Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Top 11 Quotes I Would Like to Hear in the Democratic Response to the State of the Union Address

11. “I’m Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine and I’m giving the Democratic response because all of the Democrats you might have heard of are big embarrassments.”

10. “My theory is that Jack Abramoff and George W. Bush are the same person – unless someone can prove otherwise by sending me photos of them together.”

9. “I mall at the Galleria in Edina and the Mall of America.”

8. “The only way we can hope counter the Bush administration is to veer further to the left. We need to embrace the values of MoveOn.org, Cindy Sheehan, and Michael Moore.”

7. “America needs to become more like Australia er no, Germany, uh I mean Canada, no, no Venezuela, yeah Venezuela!”

6. “The President should not allow Jack Bauer to go around threatening to cut peoples eyes out.”

5. “Having once been a member of Concerned Alumni of Princeton is much worse than having once been Exalted Cyclops of the KKK, so leave Senator Byrd alone.”

4. “Ayman al-Zawahiri is right!”

3. “We will not be giving up the fight just because Alito has been confirmed – articles of impeachment will be introduced in the morning.”

2. “2008 will be the perfect time to return Jimmy Carter to the White House.”

1. “I could listen to Joe Biden talk all day.”

Monday, January 30, 2006

Top 11 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Reading About Wire Tapping Case Law

11. Googling obscure academics referenced in the Claremont Review of Books

10. Drinking Liberally with a bunch of angry, dirty hippies and fat guys

09. Cleaning a highway with a bunch of bitter butch lesbians and SNAGS

08. Malling with the Mpls. St. Paul Magazine hipsters

07. Removing mold from Wendy Wilde's lungs

06. Reading through the Nihilist in Golf Pants' Top 11 List Archive or Song Parody Archive

05. Jamming with Mitch Berg

04. Wondering why Learned Foot--a purported "lawyer" himself--has not posted what cases HE thinks are important

03. Attending an insurance seminar

02. Listening to a Prarie Home Companion

01. Donating one of my livers to a Mexican orphan

Top 11 Quotes I’d Like to Hear in the State of the Union Address

11. “I demand the President of Iran step down because his name is too hard to pronounce.”

10. “I have instructed the Justice Department to launch a full investigation into why referees always screw over Minnesota sports teams.”

9. “Let us never forget how we felt after the Reichstag fire....I mean 9/11”

8. “Because of her impressive record and the fact that she is beloved by millions, I will pardon Oprah for recommending that fraudulent book by James Frey.”

7. “I will request immediate UN Sanctions on Air America Minnesota for producing weapons of mass destruction in their basement.”

6. “There will be an increase in Halliburton's dividend payment.”

5. “I hereby announce that I am suspending the Bill of Rights until further notice.” (Pause) “Just kiddin'.”

4. “The Patriot Act will be amended to make rooting for the Everton football club a crime punishable by torture at Guantanamo”

3. “I do question the patriotism (to the United States of America, anyway) of any Democrat opposing the war in Iraq.”

2. “I am troubled that the Senate Democratic caucus includes former KKK Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd.”

1. “Hey Democrats...how's it feel to keep getting your ass kicked by a ‘dummy’?”

Sunday, January 29, 2006

More Gangsta Than Hipster

The Blogosphere is ripe with the new meme related to Mpls. St. Paul Magazine's hipster quiz. I thought it would be fun to run the quiz by our old friend and reader Leon, to see how much of a hipster he is. Here are the results:

Where do you live? Behind a KFC dumpster in the St. Paul Midway area
With whom? A few rats and some crows
What's your coffeehouse/coffeeshop? KFC
What's your Sunday breakfast spot? KFC
What Do You Drive? Whatever's easiest to hotwire
What sites do you surf for news? Nihilist In Golf Pants & Powerline!
What's the first thing you read in the Strib? The ads for phone sex lines found in the sports page
What's on your morning drive dial? Depends upon whose car I stole, most are tuned to NPR
When not in town, where are you? Ramsey County Jail or a treatment facility
Who's your local band/musician? Don't like local music; a homeless guy with a guitar on University cuts into my take while begging
Where do you have season tickets? I get a ticket almost every season for public urination
What's your apparel store(s)? A pair of what?
Where's your favorite "go to" place that always seems to have just the right thing? Goodwill
Where do you get take-out? KFC
What's your bakery? KFC, their day old biscuits are delicious
Where do you mall? I am homeless and even I know mall is not a verb
Where are you on a Friday night? Searching outside the bars on University for cigarette butts that have a little life left in them, or avoiding baby mammas
Where's your gallery(s)? What the f*** are you talking about?
Who cuts your hair? I knew you'd be impressed with my style; one baby mamma cut it for me
What are you really uptight about? I ain't gonna pay no child support
What's your substance of choice? Lysol strained through white bread
What subjects are you a total geek over? Don't disrespect me or I'll cut you
Where do you refuel? (recharge? feed your soul?) I ain't giving up the address of my dealer!
What's your date night? Any night I see a fine piece
What's the most you've paid for a concert ticket? $120 to see U2
When you're at your naughtiest, you. . . Beat the hell out of a hater
What's your beauty/grooming thing? Hosed off in the drunk tank
What's your workout? Where? Running from the cops, wherever
Who (or what's) the service provider you can't live without? Half-eaten KFC meals
What's your favorite night? Any summer night; it's cold living on the street
What's the next performance you'll attend? St. Paul has some great experimental theater, it's hard to decide
What's an arts organization you support? The local public library; I don't really support it, I just go there every day because it's warm and ain't nothing anyone can go to keep me from loitering there
What's your nightcap? Mad Dog, Ripple, whatever's available
Where's the afterparty? Wherever I am
What's your favorite restaurant for:
food?
KFC
quality?
KFC
late night?
KFC
scene?
KFC
impress your date?
Her place
impress your client?
Don't matter, no matter where they are, my er . . . clients are impressed when I show them a five inch blade
Who's your favorite Twin Citian? Chris Coleman
Hear me now: X will be Y in 6 months. . .Mitch Berg's lawn will be my toilet!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Song Parody Archive

Here is a comprehensive listing of song parodies from NIGP:

Spirit of Right Wing Talk Radio - The Spirit of Radio - Rush - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Previously libertarian thinking power trio Rush had to change their stripes to become inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

I Shot Bin Laden - I Shot The Sherrif - Bob Marley, Eric Clapton - Nihilist In Golf Pants - President Obama's song bragging about how "he" shot Osama bin Laden

Old Shep, the Obama Version - Old Shep - Elvis Presley & many others - Nihilist In Golf Pants - President Obama's song about how he had to kill and eat his beloved pet

Travon - Rave On - Buddy Holly - Nihilist in Golf Pants - George Zimmerman sang this song as he shot Travon Martin

There's No Government Like No Government - There's No Business Like Show Business - Ethel Merman - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Ethel Merman's take on libertarianism

The Teach- The Trees - Rush - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Rock band Rush's comment on the illegal Wisconsin teacher strike

Bad Healthcare Plan For You (Doctor Doctor) - Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor Doctor) - Robert Palmer - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Obama explains his healthcare plan

Purple Favre- Purple Rain - Prince - Sisyphus - Commentary on the imminent Vikings acquisition of the famous QB

Eric Holder's Bright Blue Scrotum - Wynona's Big Brown Beaver - Primus - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Mocks the Huffington Post hoax that a Fox News anchor compared Attorney General Eric Holder to a monkey

Stalin is the Word - Cherish is the Word - The Association - Saint Paul - Chronicles the fact that the left created a ridiculous new talking point: McCain and Palin use Stalinist tactics.

Where Have All The Workers Gone? - Where Have All The Flowers Gone? - Pete Seeger - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Update of the classic protest song

Hope To The World - Joy To The World - Three Dog Night - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Musings about Barak Obama's troubles due to his association with his racist Pastor Jerimiah Wright

Client 9 - Revolution Number 9 - The Beatles - Sisyphus - Psychodelic interpritation of the scandal that forced New York Governor Elliot Spitzer (Client #9 of the Emporer's Club Prostitution ring) out of office

Romney Rising - Stargazer - Rainbow - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Explains how Hugh Hewitt must have felt seeing Mitt Romney withdraw from the presidential campaign

The Man On The Brokeback Mountain - The Man on the Silver Mountain - Rainbow - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Speculates on how the late Heath Ledger will be remembered

My Blog - Rehab - Amy Winehouse - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Explains why the Nihilist says 'no, no, no!" to posting

It's Hard Out Here For A Climate Pimp - It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp - Three-6 Mafia - Sisyphus - Al Gore will garner yet another award, this time a grammy, for this heartfelt rap explaining how tough it is to become a media darling hypocritically lecturing against man made global warming

Gimme Appletini - Gimme Some Water - Eddie Money - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Tells the tale of Paris Hilton's arrest and jailing

Whole Lotta Rosie - Whole Lotta Rosie - AC/DC - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Song mocking the TV show "The View"

Franken - Cocaine - JJ Cale (a popular version performed by Eric Clapton) - Sisyphus - Ridicule of Al Franken's candidacy for US Senate

Bitch, Fade to Black - The Bitch Is Back - Elton John - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of an Elton John tribute for Anna Nicole Smith's funeral

Sadr City - Surf City - Jan & Dean - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Insurgent song detailing their glee at impending US pullout in Iraq after Democratic election sweep

We're Trivia Champions - We Are The Champions - Queen - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Song celebrating Team Fraters trivia challenge victory

We Are Gonna Take It - We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Potential protest song representing liberal organization "Growth and Justice" requesting an increase to Minnesota's state income taxes

Zarqawi:Dust In The Wind - Dust In The Wind - Kansas - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Wonders what wuss-rockers Kansas would think of the media coverage of Zarqawi's death

Stupid Pink - Stupid Girls - Pink - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Mocking of Pink's idiotic political leanings

Leaving On A Jet Plane (Coach Class) - Leaving On A Jet Plane - Peter, Paul & Mary - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Complaint about having to sit in coach class for a long flight

F The Police 2006 - F*** The Police - NWA - JB - Parody of overreaching public intoxication and drunk driving laws

It's Hard Out Here For The Rich - It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp - Three 6 Mafia - Sisyphus - Parody of the acadamy award winning song detailing the trouble that pimps face

Mama Go Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gay Cowboys - Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys - Willie Nelson - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of Willie Nelson's new gay cowboy song

Lyin' Frey - Lyin' Eyes - The Eagles - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of Oprah Winfrey's support for disgraced author James Frey

The Alito Shuffle - The Lido Shuffle - Boz Skaggs - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of Democrat obstructionism related to Samuel Alito's Supreme Court nomination

Brokebackabana - Copacabana (At The Copa) - Barry Manilow - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of the gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain"

Broke Back - Get Back - The Beatles - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain"

The Birth of the Kool Aid Report Blog - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot - Sisyphus - Parody celebrating the birth of the "Kool Aid Report" Blog

The Wreck of the Miers Nomination - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot - Sisyphus - Parody of Bush's disastrous nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court

Cut 'n Run - Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of John Kerry's "cut & run" strategy for Iraq

The Wreck of the Cruise of the Vikings - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of the Minnesota Vikings sex cruise

When the News Cycle Breaks - When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of liberal criticism of George Bush in the wake of hurricane Katrina

Why We Wear Black - The Man In Black - Johnny Cash - Nihilist In Golf Pants and JB - Parody of why this web site looks the way it does

I'm Mainstream Media, Man - Understand Your Man - Johnny Cash - Nihilist In Golf Pants (as told by Hannah Allam) - Parody of the media bias against our troops in Iraq

This Bud's For You, Mrs. Robinson - Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel - Sisyphus - Parody of a Budweiser ad using classic rock

Dio Is Too Old To Rock - Rainbow In The Dark - Ronnie James Dio - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of Ronnie James Dio's advanced age

Bald Headed Paper Boy - Long Haired Country Boy - Charlie Daniels Band - Nihilist In Golf Pants - Parody of Nick Coleman

The Wreck of the President Carter - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot - Sisyphus - parody of Jimmy Carter's rabbit attack

In The Ghetto (The Vicious Coleman) - In The Ghetto (The Vicious Circle) - Elvis Presley - Nihilist In Golf Pants - parody of Nick Coleman columns

Friday, January 27, 2006

Top 11 Reasons John Kerry Wants to Filibuster Samuel Alito’s Nomination to the Supreme Court

11. Is jealous that Alito had better than a C average in college

10. Everyone he talks to at Davos wants a filibuster

9. Worries that Alito will turn back the clock when daylight savings time ends

8. Wasn’t amused that Alito wore flip-flops to their meeting

7. Feels he doesn’t look sufficiently French

6. Believes that the founding fathers meant for the runner-up to have veto power over the President’s Supreme Court nominees

5. Alito looks suspiciously like the C.I.A agent he ran into Cambodia

4. Felt that Alito should have been more forthcoming in his answers to the “American Idol” questions

3. Senator Kerry has been in favor filibusters ever since he learned that they mean he gets to talk a lot

2. Alito showed him up by correctly stating that the Packers play at Lambeau Field

1. Is troubled that his name is so similar to “Scalia”

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Top 11 Other Ways Oprah Was Duped

So Oprah is now saying she was duped by James Frey. Here are the top 11 other ways Oprah has been duped over the years.

11. When Stedman told her "That's never happened to me before"

10. When Stedman told her that those pants didn't make her look fat

09. Actually believed that Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman

08. Thought Mitch Berg could actually play 17 instruments

07. Believed Hugh Hewitt to be the Jack Bauer of the Internet

06. Really believed that she may already be a winner, when in fact she was not

05. Was lead to think that Brokeback Mountain was about gay cowboys when it is actually about gay shepherds

04. The e-mail form PayPal asking her to update her account information

03. Confused all you care to eat with all you CAN eat at local Sizzler

02. "Richard Simmons is gay?"

01. Was convinced that reading about Canadian politics was actually interesting

Top 11 Reasons That Phil Kessel Chose Minnesota Over Wisconsin

11. Better bar scene for underage drinking

10. The Gophers don't play the neutral zone trap

9. Wanted to escape the shadow of Bret Favre

8. He would rather have his winning streak in March/April than November/December

7. Light rail

6. Didn't want to be booed (as much) by Sisyphus

5. Better riots

4. He grew up in Madison, so he knows what it's like

3. The newspaper in Madison is too liberal

2. MPLS/St. Paul Magazine publishes the photos of local hipsters making them easier to avoid

1. Coach Lucia's hair

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Top 11 Worst Bits In The History of Radio

11. The Elder's Baseball Hot Stove League on the Hugh Hewitt Show

10. Mitch Berg laying an egg at the Minnesota State Fair on the Northern Alliance Radio Network

9. Nick Coleman's Wing-nut of the Week

8. KSTP AM1500's Turi Ryder offering to drive to listeners houses that call to complain and turn their radios off

7. Anything from the Common and the family Cole show

6. Eddie Schultz pretending to challenge Dennis Prager to a debate

5. Al Franken naming his show the O'Franken Factor

4. Dan Barierro stealing Soucheray's "End of the World" bit and repackaging it as "We're Done as a Society"

3. Santa's appearance on the Northern Alliance Radio Network

2. Randi Rhodes pretending to assassinate President Bush

1. The interview with Jack Bauer on last night's Hugh Hewitt Show

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Top 11 Explanations for George Galloway’s New Wardrobe

Far left British politician, George Galloway, recently had his picture taken in a red bodysuit. Here are the top 11 explanations for this seemingly inexplicable event:

11. Saddam threw in a case of red bodysuits as part of the last oil-for-food deal

10. Desperately wants a roll in “Brokeback Mountain 2: Old Corrupt Commie Bodysuited Cowboys”

9. Felt that this was the best way to show up Senator Coleman once and for all

8. Asked himself: WWRSW (What Would Richard Simmons Wear?)

7. Appearing in an updated version of Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” video

6. The Star-Tribune hadn’t written a glowing editorial about him for quite awhile and he wanted to get their attention

5. Was convinced by Christopher Hitchens that chicks love a guy in a red bodysuit

4. Auditioning for a spot on “Survivor: Greenwich Village”

3. Wearing the turquoise bodysuit would have been beneath his dignity

2. Liked what the look did for John Kerry

1. With the possible exception of green, red is his color

Billings Watch

It's been a long time since I've taken advantage of one of the most generous benefactors the Twin Cities mainstream media has to offer to aspiring bloggers. I speak of Laura Billings, who actually gets paid by the Saint Paul Pioneer Press to comment on the minutia of her personal life. Whether it's her poor dental hygeine, her penchant for clipping her kids pictures, or her underwear preference, you can always count on her to provide unsolicited insight into her private life.

Could Laura be brain damaged? This is a question that should be taken seriously. Evidince in favor of this theory abounds. She married Nick Coleman, who literally is old enough to be her father and who posesses charm and warmth of a catfish. Even stronger evidence comes from her own words:

It is not often that I feel much kinship with Ariel Sharon. . .

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that Billings didn't write this as an admission that she's severely brain damaged. Instead, she wrote it in a December 29 column, before his massive stroke. The subject of the column? She's depressed because she is fat.

Some quotes:

This year, after the birth of a baby and way too much Halloween candy, that number includes me. The diet starts officially in January, and while I could get a jump-start on it by bringing that telltale bag of carrots to my desk, instead I am following the Ariel Sharon plan and eating just as much as I possibly can before the cease-fire at midnight Dec. 31. And I'm not the only one drinking half-and-half out of the carton this week.

She goes on to detail the disgusting gluttinous habits of some of her friends and possibly her husband before returning to more of her own indiscretions.

I myself made a complicated heavy cream sauce recipe for the bread pudding that I never could get to thicken properly. Fortunately, the many imperfect versions that preceded it proved to be excellent for dipping doughnuts, pouring into my coffee and sipping straight from the pan.

Pan or trough?

If she's not brain damaged, maybe she has a mental disorder. Overeating can be related to serious mental disorders. Let's check some other columns for evidence of more mental problems. On a January 15 column on disgraced author James Frey she defends him by admitting she's a compulsive liar herself. The title of the column:

The truth is that we all tell lies

This column reveals much related to her mental state and it isn't what one would call healthy. More excerpts:

The truth is, human beings love to lie, particularly if it will improve our chances of looking good in a group, finding love, ending up on television or making money. (See also: your resume.)

Of course, when your husband's step-mother is running your newspaper, one may not need to embellish your resume to get hired, but we get the point: Laura can't stop lying (or eating as we just learned).

What's more, Laura can't handle the truth:

What's more, we love to be lied to — just a little.

Laura doesn't specify what lies she considers to be little. I'm only ten years older than you? I'm not married? I had to go to the strip club to get fodder for my column?

In any event, it looks like Laura needs help. As do the powers that keep this drek in the capital city's newspaper.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Top 11 Countries Disgruntled Liberals will Now Emptily Threaten to Move to Now that Canada has Elected a Conservative Government

11. Spain
10. Zimbabwe
9. Belarus
8. Antarctica
7. Cuba (not Guantanamo Bay)
6. China (not Taiwan)
5. Cambodia
4. Nigeria
3. Qatar
2. Venezuela
1. France

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Arsenal Lets Me Down

When I became a fan of the Premier League Football team Arsenal a few months ago, I circled the date “January 21” on my calendar – the day we played hated Everton. It should have been an easy win, but Arsenal lost by the rare score of 1-0. Now Paul Mirengoff is crowing about it over at Power Line and I’ll never be able to use the haiku I had composed to celebrate Arsenal’s anticipated victory:

Arsenal wins big!
Now relegate Everton!
Take that Mirengoff!

Top 11 Celebrity Breakup Predictions For 2006

11. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

10. Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger - maybe he'll run off with Jake Gyllenhall

9. Courtney Cox Arquette & David Arquette - that guy is soooo annoying

8. Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson

7. Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillipe

6. Jennifer Antison &Vince Vaughan

5. Ben Afflick & Jennifer Garner

4. Kate Beckinsale & Ken Wiseman

3. Sienna Miller & Jude Law - yes, they are currently on again

2. Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Are You Ready To Watch Learned Foot Mock Me?

The agonizing season is almost over. With only the conference championships and the Super Bowl left, I am stuck with a dismal record. 1-3 last week left me at 48-61-1 and I lost a pint of Guinness to Learned Foot. That was a week where I was pretty confident. This week will be more difficult. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line. Here goes:

Broncos -3 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +5 1/2 @ Seahawks

Friday, January 20, 2006

Top 11 Ideas for Beefing up the Ratings of Geena Davis’ TV Show “Commander in Chief”

Our good friend, John Podhoretz, notes in the Corner that Geena Davis’ TV show “Commander in Chief” is struggling in the ratings. We here at Nihilist in Golf Pants would hate to see it get cancelled, so we offer (free of charge) our top 11 ideas for beefing up the show’s ratings:

11. President Geena is kidnapped by radical Republican terrorists, but the Speaker of the House calls in his son, Jack Bauer, to rescue her.

10. The President accidentally makes two dates for the State of the Union speech. Not wanting to hurt either's feelings, she tries to bring them both without the other finding out.

9. President Geena is talked into wearing a thong bikini for an entire week to help promote America’s thong bikini industry.

8. Controversy ensues when the President nominates Paris Hilton to the Supreme Court.

7. While on a fishing trip in Georgia, President Geena is attacked by a killer swamp rabbit.

6. President Geena takes a second job at a candy manufacturing plant, but the production line moves too fast for her.

5. After winning a professional cheerleading competition, the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders are invited to the White House – only there is a controversial disruption in the restroom.

4. Natalie Portman is appointed to a new cabinet position: Secretary of Thongs

3. Controversy embroils the White House when a television network broadcasts a series about a female President and chooses a washed up, B-movie grade actress to play the lead.

2. President Geena's nose is broken by a wayward football thrown by the Attorney General on the eve of a big press conference.

1. The First Man leaves President Geena for a gay cowboy.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Top 11 Highlights of the New Osama Bin Laden Tape

11. Outraged that Bush would wiretap him without a warrant

10. Is “troubled’ by the Alito nomination

9. Issued a fatwa banning Chad the Elder from playing hockey

8. Wholeheartedly endorses the McCain anti-Torture Amendment

7. Wants to know where he can get his hands on a Brokeback Mountain bootleg DVD

6. Denied ever being a member of ZZ Top

5. Regrets that Bush made him kill Cindy Sheehan’s son

4. Warns the producers of “24” not to portray Muslims as terrorists

3. Upset that people keep saying that he’s dead

2. Threatened more terrorist attacks unless Fox agrees to broadcast another season of “The Simple Life”

1. Wants Jimmy Carter to negotiate a truce

Top 11 Replacements for Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America

It’s the end of an era for the Mall of America. After being unable to reach a deal with United Media, the indoor amusement park at the MOA is no longer known as Camp Snoopy and gone are any references to Peanuts characters, including the landmark giant inflatable Snoopy. But we view this not as a loss, but as an opportunity. Here are the top 11 replacements candidates for Camp Snoopy:

11. Camp Brokeback Mountain with giant inflatable sheep

10. Camp Gitmo North with a giant inflatable toilet for flushing giant inflatable Korans
9. Camp Camp – featuring the B-52s, 60's TV show style Batman and Robin, etc...

8. Camp Bill Clinton with a giant inflatable [sorry, if you want the rest, you will have to subscribe to the uncensored version of Nihilist in Golf Pants available on Sirius Satellite Radio]

7. Concentration Camp – based on the classic TV game show!

6. Camp Taxpayers League with a giant inflatable David Strom

5. Refugee Camp – with a giant inflatable Tom Petty

4. Camp Minnesota Vikings (must be 18 or older to take the boat ride)

3. Camp Mayor Rybak with a giant inflatable gay men's chorus float suitable for stage diving

2. Camp Mayor Chris Coleman with a giant inflatable hob-nailed boot crushing a small businessman

1. Camp Kennedy with a giant inflatable bottle of scotch and featuring the world famous Chappaquiddick flume ride where you're guaranteed to get wet

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Top 11 Chapters of “Hugh Hewitt’s Guide to Hockey, Modern Music, and Wine”

Chapter 1: Hey he can’t hit that guy with his stick like that, can he?

Chapter 2: Why did they blow the whistle again?

Chapter 3: Does anyone know where the puck is?

Chapter 4: Going to the movie “Miracle”

Chapter 5: Canned Heat – Part I

Chapter 6: Canned heat – Part II

Chapter 7: Canned Heat – Part III (the “Goin’ Up the Country” years)

Chapter 8: Boxed Wines

Chapter 9: Fortified Wines

Chapter 10: Screw Top Wines: Taste meets Convenience

Chapter 11: You’re crazy if you ever pay more than $5 a bottle

Top 11 Upcoming Selections for the Oprah Book Club

11. “Getting the Partisanship Out of Confirmation Hearings” by Ted Kennedy

10. “Fundamentals of Disaster Management” by Ray Nagin, Kathleen Blanco and Mike Brown

9. “How I Doubled My Income Betting on Football” by Nihilist in Golf Pants

8. “Sounds of Silence: My 33 Years in the Senate” by Joe Biden

7. “Truth and Duty: The Press, the President, and the Privilege of Power” by Mary Mapes

6. “Semiconductor Fabrication with Vertical Cavity Surface Emitting Lasers” by Paris Hilton

5. “Jokes Guaranteed To Make People Laugh” by Margaret Cho with a foreword by Garrison Keillor

4. “Hugh Hewitt’s Guide to Hockey, Modern Music, and Wine

3. “Minnesota Vikings Championship Moments” by Mike Tice, Dennis Green, Jerry Burns, and Bud Grant

2. “On Winning Elections” by Walter Mondale

1. “How To Pick Up Clueless Chicks” by James Frey

Monday, January 16, 2006

That Lyin' Frey

The whole scandal behind the James Frey's debunked book, "A Million Little Pieces," has even tainted Oprah Winfrey. Since Frey has been proven a liar, a parody of the Eagle's "Lying Eyes" seems appropriate. I present for your pleasure:

That Lyin' Frey

A city girl just seemed to find out early
How to become the queen of daytime TV
She became rich and she don’t have to worry
This is the story of Oprah Winfrey

After many years trash TV gets tiresome
Even though her ratings bring such a high price
And it breaks her heart to think her show is only
Just like Jerry Springer with household advice

So she tells her audience they should do some readin'
She brings out books and passes them around
She starts out with some classics, then a deceivin'
Book called "A Million Little Pieces" came around

You can’t hide thet lyin' Frey
His whole story is just a guise
Her viewers don't want to realize
There ain’t no way to hide that lyin’ Frey

On the other side of the dial Larry King is waiting
He's also invited James Frey on TV
His show goes on all hour anticipatin'
What will be the reaction of Oprah Winfrey?

She rushes to the phone, they talk together
She whispers that it’s not such a big deal
She swears that Frey has helped people forever
She tells him that lies have the power to heal

You can’t hide that lyin’ Frey
His whole story is just a guise
Her viewers don't want to realize
There ain’t no way to hide that lyin’ Frey

She knows that her defense must be strong one
She knows she must not lose her power base
America's attention span is not a long one
If she keeps on lying, she might just save face

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about when Bush & Gore kissed her ass
Her production staff probably just got lazy
She’s so far gone she thinks she still has class

My, Oprah, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain’t it funny how your weight is all that changes
You’re still doing the same old trash TV

You can’t hide that lyin’ Frey
His whole story is just a guise
Her viewers don't want to realize
There ain’t no way to hide that lyin’ Frey

There ain’t no way to hide that lyin’ Frey
Wake up! Oprah's no better than this guy!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Alito Hearing Wrap-Up

One final post on my obsessive analysis of the Alito hearing transcripts. Below is a list of a few selected people, cases, and concepts mentioned during the Alito hearing, with the number of mentions in parentheses. These are not necessarily unique mentions, and I’ve probably missed a few major topics, but the list gives a good general idea of the course of the hearings.

Roe v. Wade (202) … Stare Decisis (140) … Justice Sandra Day O'Connor (135) … Vanguard (126) … Princeton (102) … Chief Justice John Roberts (103) … CAP (Concerned Alumni of Princeton) (69) … Casey v. Planned Parenthood (68) … Unitary Executive (67) … Commerce Clause/Interstate Commerce (65) … Fourth Amendment (54) … Ronald Reagan (52) … William Rehnquist (42) … Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (39) … Rybar v. U.S. (36) … Justice Antonin Scalia (34) … Justice Clarence Thomas (33) … Earl Warren (or Warren court) (33) … Plessy v. Ferguson (33) … Death Penalty (31) … Hamdi Decision (31) … First Amendment (31) … Robert Bork (29) … Reapportionment (29) … Griswold v. Connecticut (25) … Fourteenth Amendment (25) … Immigration Law (22) … ROTC (20) … Justice David Souter (20) … Brown v. Board of Education (20) … Justice Stephen Breyer (18) … Federalist Society (17) … Establishment Clause (17) … Harriet Miers (14) … Fifth Amendment (14) … ACLU (13) … Iran (13) … Bill Clinton (12) … Marbury v. Madison (11) … Kelo v. City of New London (10) … Justice John Paul Stephens (10) … Doe v. Groody (10) … Geneva Convention (10) … McCain Torture Amendment (10) … Article III (10) … Richard Nixon (10) … Justice Anthony Kennedy (9) … Miranda v. Arizona (9) … Reeves v. Sanderson Plumbing (9) … Bill of Rights (9) … Article II (9) … Judge Michael Luttig (8) … 9/11 (8) … Iraq (8) … William Rusher (7) … Bush v. Gore (7) … Eighth Amendment (7) … Antitrust law (7) … U.S. v. Kithcart (6) … Jimmy Carter (6) … Harry Blackmun (6) … Thurgood Marshall (6) … Sixth Amendment (6) … Impeachment (6) … Alexander Hamilton (5) … Benjamin Cardozo (5) … International Law (5) … Tax Law (5) … Willima Brennan (5) … Brinson v. Vaughn (4) … John Marshall (4) … 11th Amendment (4) … Afghanistan (4) … Lemon v. Kurtzman (4) … Federalist Papers (3) … Harlow v. Fitzgerald (3) … Baker v. Monroe Township (3) … Zubi v. AT&T Corporation (3) … Goosby v. Johnson & Johnson (3) … Dia v. Ashcroft (3) … Bruce Springsteen (3) … Bible (3) … Knight-Ridder (3) … Catholic (3) … Article I (3) … Scalito (2) … Grutter v. Bollinger (2) … Stenberg v. Carhart (2) … Williams v. Price (2) … Smith v. Davis (2) … Baker v. Carr (2) … Rosa Parks (2) … Ninth Amendment (2) … Tenth Amendment (2) … Guantanamo Bay (2) … Blogs (2) … Civil Rights Act (2) … Learned Hand (1) … Louis Brandeis (1) … Lochner v. New York (1) … Bowers v. Hardwick (1) … Lawrence v. Texas (1) … Buckley v. Valeo (1) .. Bakke Decision (1) … Al Qaida (1) … 27th Amendment (1) … 10 Commandments (1) … France (1) … Monkeys (1) … Watergate (1)

NOT MENTIONED:
Dred Scott … Brokeback Mountain … International Criminal Court … Chappaquiddick … Paris Hilton … KKK (Ku Kulx Klan) … James Madison … Learned Foot … John Jay … Koran … Natural Law … Halliburton … McCulloch v. Maryland … New York Times v. Sullivan … Patents or Copyrights

The Following Constitutional Amendments weren’t mentioned by name (or number):
2, 3, 7, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Remember the Laughter

The final gavel has fallen on the Alito hearings and the laughter has faded away. Here is the final laugh tote board. Senator Specter led the from post to post, but he had the major advantage of being the committee chairman with all of the comedic opportunities that that position brings. The Senators who didn’t elicit any laughs throughout the hearings (known as the Hugh Hewitt’s of the Judiciary Committee) were: Kyl (R-AZ), Kohl (D-WI), DeWine (R-OH), Durbin (D-IL), Brownback (R-TX), and Coburn (R-OK).

1. Chairman Specter (R-PA)....... 36
2. Judge Alito .................. 20
3. Senator Graham (R-SC) ........ 17
4. Senator Leahy (D-VT) ......... 10
5. Senator Hatch (R-UT) ......... 8
6. Senator Kennedy (D-MA) ....... 5
6. Senator Grassley (R-IA) ...... 5
8. Senator Biden (D-DE) ......... 4
8. Senator Schumer (D-NY) ....... 4
8. Unknown quipsters ............ 4
11. Senator Sessions (R-AL) ..... 3
11. Judge Aldisert .............. 3
11. Judge Garth ................. 3
14. Senator Feinstein (D=CA) .... 2
14. Senator Cornyn (R-TX) ....... 2
14. Tober (of the ABA) .......... 2
17. Senator Feingold (D-WI) ..... 1
17. Senator Lautenberg (D-NJ) ... 1
17. Judge Lewis ................. 1
17. Judge Gibbons ............... 1

There were a total of 132 laugh producing lines throughout the hearings, according to the transcripts in the Washington Post.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Alito Shuffle

Boz Skaggsclassic tune, "The Lido Shuffle" is an obvious source for material on the Alito hearings:

Teddy sailed his boat that day he left the crash
But because of his name he ain't taking flack
At the Iowa state fair, Joe Biden's plagiarism wouldn't stop
Although it caused his presidential hopes to flop
Chuck Schumer's aids illegally got credit reports of his foe
Yet they're taking shots from where they sit
At the Judiciary committee they don't get it, taking shots at Alito

Alito, no-o-o-o,
Ted Kennedy cares about women's rights, except for Mary Jo
Alito, no-o-o-o, they've got concerns, they don't get it
Push too hard, they won't quit it, Alito's got to go

Alito got slandered, it wasn't much fun as the bloviaters blow
Until his wife broke down, and then she had to go
She be makin' like a beeline headin' for the door as those morally broke
Said that one more hit oughta do it,
slander, ain't nothin' to it
Alito's got to go!

Alito, no-o-o-o,
Biden loves to hear himself talk, but don't say nothing, no
Alito, no-o-o-o, A lifetime job, he can't get it
Wish he'd be like Miers and quit it, Alito's got to go!

Are You Ready For The Divisional Playoffs?

I'm depressed, at 1-3 my record now stands at 47-58-1. This week a few hot teams visit favorites with limited playoff experience. Let's see if the dogs can cover. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line. Here goes:

Redskins +8 1/2 @ Seahawks
Patriots +3 @ Broncos
Colts -9 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +3 @ Bears

Friday, January 13, 2006

Alito Hearing Verbosity Index (final)

The questioning of Judge Alito has now come to an end and I can now return to doing something other than counting words in transcripts. Here are the final standings based on the total words spoken by the Senator. The percentage is, once again, the percent of the words spoken by the Senator.

1. Kennedy (D-MA) ..... 8083 ... 66.5%
2. Biden (D-DE) ....... 7535 ... 70.8%
3. Schumer (D-NY) ..... 7231 ... 72.1%
4. Feingold (D-WI) .... 6593 ... 53.6%
5. Leahy (D-VT) ....... 6475 ... 54.6%
6. Hatch (R-UT) ....... 5762 ... 62.6%
7. Sessions (R-AL) .... 5609 ... 65.7%
8. Cornyn (R-TX) ...... 5594 ... 79.8%
9. Grassley (R-IA) .... 5413 ... 63.4%
10. Durbin (D-IL) ..... 5401 ... 49.8%
11. Graham (R-SC) ..... 5019 ... 71.3%
12. DeWine (R-OH) ..... 4901 ... 62.1%
13. Kyl (R-AZ) ........ 4386 ... 61.2%
14. Feinstein (D-CA) .. 4382 ... 44.8%
15. Kohl (D-WI) ....... 4357 ... 40.9%
16. Specter (R-PA) .... 4061 ... 57.4%
17. Coburn (R-OK) ..... 3416 ... 64.0%
18. Brownback (R-KS) .. 3319 ... 68.1%

(Compiled from the transcripts in the Washington Post, day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Alito Hearing Verbosity Index (through two rounds)

The judiciary committee has now completed two full rounds of “questioning” Judge Alito. Shockingly, Joe Biden has lost his lead in the verbosity index standings. However, the Senator is not going down without a fight, he has requested an additional 20 minutes, more than any other committee member. Here are the standings through two rounds (once again, the percentage indicates the percent of the words spoken by the Senator during the first two rounds of questioning):

Senator Cornyn 79.8% (Cornyn 5594 words, Alito 1419)
Senator Schumer 73.8% (Schumer 6025, Alito 2139)
Senator Biden 73.2% (Biden 5635, Alito 2062)
Senator Graham 71.3% (Graham 5019, Alito 2021)
Senator Brownback 68.1% (Brownback 3319, Alito 1552)
Senator Kennedy 66.4% (Kennedy 5422, Alito 2746)
Senator Sessions 66.0% (Sessions 4718, Alito 2435)
Senator Coburn 64.0% (Coburn 3416, Alito 1924)
Senator DeWine 62.1% (DeWine 4901, Alito 2989)
Senator Kyl 61.2% (Kyl 4386, Alito 2782)
Senator Grassley 59.0% (Grassley 4398, Alito 3061)
Senator Hatch 58.8% (Hatch 4829, Alito 3384)
Senator Specter 57.4% (Specter 4061, Alito 3014)
Senator Feingold 55.6% (Feingold 4925, Alito 3934)
Senator Leahy 53.9% (Leahy 4032, Alito 3450)
Senator Durbin 48.4% (Durbin 4079, Alito 4348)
Senator Feinstein 42.8% (Feinstein 3060, Alito 4092)
Senator Kohl 42.7% (Kohl 3440, Alito 4622)

(Compiled from the Wahington Post’s day three transcript)

UPDATE: Final statistics through the end of Judge Alito’s testimony here.


Alito Hearing Laugh Tote Board (through day three)

Day three of the Alito confirmation hearing saw the tension rise and the humor fade -- laughter interruptions decreased by more than 50%. Arlen “The Card” Specter maintained his large lead, but he better keep an eye on the up and coming “Goober” Lindsey Graham. Here is the updated tote board through day three:

Chairman Specter 25
Senator Graham 17
Judge Alito 16
Senator Kennedy 5
Senator Leahy 4
Senator Biden 4
Senator Schumer 4
Senator Hatch 3
Senator Grassley 3
Senator Feinstein 2
Senator Cornyn 2
Senator Lautenberg 1
Unknown 1

(Compiled from the Wahington Post’s day three transcript)

Top 11 Better Names than "Splash" For Ted Kennedy's Dog

11. Lapdance

10. Finn

9. Alioto

8. Jowls

7. Cirrhosis

6. Bootlegger

5. Obama

4. Kerry

3. Fetch Me the Scotch

2. Annulment

1. Fetus

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I Am Senator, Hear Me Talk

If you had the impression that the Senators did most of the talking in the second day of Judge Alito’s confirmation hearings, you were right. Of the 15 Senators who participated in the questioning today, 13 talked more than Alito. Not surprisingly, Senator Biden was the most verbose, but he was not without some close competitors.

I analyzed the Washington Post transcript to determine which Senators talked the most in their allotted 30 minutes. The percentage listed is the percent of the words in the Senator’s questions and Alito’s responses that are spoken by the Senator.

Senator Biden 78.6% (Biden 3744 words, Alito 1021)
Senator Cornyn 76.8% (Cornyn 3262, Alito 984)
Senator Schumer 74.9% (Schumer 3472, Alito 1165)
Senator DeWine 72.0% (DeWine 3370, Alito 1310)
Senator Kennedy 67.1% (Kennedy 3271, Alito 1605)
Senator Graham 61.6% (Graham 2796, Alito 1745)
Senator Leahy 58.0% (Leahy 2622, Alito 1900)
Senator Sessions 57.3% (Sessions 2591, Alito 1934)
Senator Feingold 55.7% (Feingold 2947, Alito 2342)
Senator Hatch 54.0% (Hatch 2616, Alito 2227)
Senator Kyl 52.9% (Kyl 2517, Alito 2244)
Senator Grassley 51.3% (Grassley 2275, Alito 2160)
Senator Specter 50.7% (Specter 2229, Alito 2164)
Senator Feinstein 41.8% (Feinstein 1823, Alito 2541)
Senator Kohl 37.1% (Kohl 1812, Alito 3076)

Alito Hearing Laugh Toteboard (through day two)

Day two of the Alito confirmation hearing was another laugh riot, with no fewer than 49 laugh inducing lines according to the Washington Post transcript. Here are the laugh leaders through day two:

Chairman Specter 19
Judge Alito 12
Senator Graham 11
Senator Leahy 4
Senator Biden 4
Senator Kennedy 3
Senator Grassley 3
Senator Schumer 3
Senator Cornyn 2
Senator Hatch 1
Senator Lautenberg 1

Another Reason He's History's Greatest Monster

One doesn't expect to see scathing criticism of liberals from the Skyway News, but this weeks edition provides just that in an article titled The Decline of the Three Martini Lunch.

And who do they blame for the decline? None other than our favorite failed President and his penchant for increasing taxes:

Many blame the death of the three-martini lunch on former President Jimmy Carter, who condemned the practice during his 1976 campaign as part of the broad inequities in the nation’s tax laws.

Carter said the working class was subsidizing the “$50 martini lunch,” which a rich businessman could write off as a business expense. (His opponent, Gerald Ford, defended the practice, calling it “the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?” Ford said.)


Atta boy Gerry. Way to stick up for American values! (Hat tip to MNspeak.)

Monday, January 09, 2006

In Search of LAUGHTER at the Alito Hearing: Day One

According to the Washington Post transcript of the Alito confirmation hearing, the proceedings were interrupted by laughter 14 times. Were these Senatorial quips actually funny or were the observers so bored that they jumped on anything remotely resembling a witticism with robust laughter (known to students of comedy as the Prairie Home Companion Effect)? Let’s take a closer look at today’s 14 laugh lines:

ALITO: And when I had my confirmation hearing for the Court of Appeals, Philip was 3 years old. And when I was called up to the chair he took it upon himself to run up and sit next to me in case any hard questions came up.
(LAUGHTER)

Not a bad quip, but he did have a couple of months to come up with something witty for his opening statement.

GRASSLEY (Speaking immediately after Senator Kennedy’s opening statement): I have a much more positive view of Judge Alito.
(LAUGHTER)

Grassley shows good instincts by taking a jab at Kennedy, but it could have used more zing. Next time try something like this:
I have a much more positive view of Judge Alito – what’s your problem Teddy? Couldn’t you find a case where he gave the defendant a slap on the wrist after he drove his secretary off a bridge?

SPECTER: And then we're going to take a 15-minute break. We will have concluded the opening statements of 12 of our 18 Judiciary Committee members. That will leave us four more.
And then Senator Lautenberg and Governor Whitman to make the formal presentation of Judge Alito. And then Judge Alito's opening statement. So, at this time, we will adjourn and we will reconvene at 2:10.
Pardon me. We're going to proceed with you, Senator Feingold.

(LAUGHTER)
FEINGOLD: Thank you, Mr. Chairman, I think.
SPECTER: This is called the potted plant routine, Russ.

(LAUGHTER)
FEINGOLD: Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
SPECTER: I was so anxious for the recess, I jumped the gun a little.

(LAUGHTER)

Definitely an example of low expectations laughter. I half expected Specter to go into a Powdermilk Biscuits commercial.

GRAHAM: Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
And welcome back, Judge. I'd hate for you to miss my opening statement.

(LAUGHTER)

GRAHAM: The question is: Are you a mainstream conservative?
Well, the question I have for my colleagues is: Who would you ask to find out? Would you ask Senator Kennedy? Probably not.
If you asked me who a mainstream liberal is, I would be the worst person to pick, because I do not hang out over there.

(LAUGHTER)

I think it’s great that Republican Senators are taking shots at Senator Kennedy, but it looks like they need a remedial course:
Ted Kennedy Humor 101 – Work in a reference to one or more of the following:
1) Chappaquiddick (or his driving/swimming skills)
2) Ted’s heavy drinking
3) Ted’s philandering
4) Ted’s Weight

LAUTENBERG: Judge Alito's accomplishments in life are the embodiment of the American dream. I'm honored today to introduce him to the committee.
He's a young man. If the Senate confirms him for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, he could serve for three decades or even longer, especially judging it from my point of view.

(LAUGHTER)

I think Lautenberg is taking a self-deprecating jab at his advanced age, but I’m not sure.

SPECTER: Senator Lautenberg, do you care to make a recommendation on the nominee?
(LAUGHTER)

You probably had to be there.

SPECTER: Thank you very much, Governor Whitman. Without objection, the statement of Senator Corzine will be made a part of the record.
We appreciate your coming, Senator Lautenberg.
We appreciate your coming, Governor Whitman.
And now, Judge Alito, if you will resume center stage.
We now come to the -- you can remain standing. We've come to the formal swearing in of a nominee. I count 41 cameras in the well.

(LAUGHTER)
And, just behind you, a grouping of cameras of seven in number. And I see three more, so you're well up to 50, which exceeds the number present, only 28 for Chief Justice Roberts, so that may be an omen.
I'm stalling for time a little bit here to allow the photographers to position themselves.

(LAUGHTER)
SPECTER: They have sat patiently -- impatiently all day.
We may move the swearing in to the beginning of the ceremony in the future so they can all go out and do something productive.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be chairing the committee all week. Don’t forget to tip your Senators and Senatorettes.

ALITO: And, of course, I have been shaped for the last 15 years by my experiences as a judge of the court of appeals.
During that time, I have sat on thousands of cases -- somebody mentioned the exact figure this morning; I don't know what the exact figure is, but it is way up into the thousands -- and I have written hundreds of opinions.
And the members of this committee and the members of their staff, who have had the job of reviewing all of those opinions, really have my sympathy.

(LAUGHTER)
I think that may have constituted cruel and unusual punishment.
(LAUGHTER)

Clearly Alito held his own day one. Will he be able to keep the laughs coming all week?

Laugh Toteboard (after day one)
Chairman Specter 7
Judge Alito 3
Senator Graham 2
Senator Grassley 1
Senator Lautenberg 1

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Which Founding Father Would Make The Best Vikings Coach?

I’m sure Brad Childress will do a fine job as the new head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. I even pledge to hold back on criticizing him until at least halftime of the first pre-season game (except of course, I reserve the right to criticize any and all draft day decisions). But while contemplating the qualities I would like to see in our new coach, I couldn’t help but lament that we will never know what one our founding fathers could have done leading the Vikings.

You might think that an 18th century statesmen, no matter how brilliant, wouldn’t be able to relate to modern professional athletes, but nothing could be further from the truth. James Madison, for example would have been a perfect fit. Consider this excerpt from Paul Johnson’s “A History of the American People” (p. 258)

“When as Secretary of State, he [James Madison] had to entertain the Tunisian envoy, come to Washington to negotiate on behalf of the Barbary pirates, and granted the Arab’s request for concubines for his eleven-strong party, he put down the cost as ‘appropriations for foreign intercourse’ (Jefferson was not amused).”

No word on whether Madison imported the concubines from Georgia.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Are You Ready For A Last Ditch Attempt At Respectability

Bad news last week as I went 2-4 to go to a year-to-date mark of 46-55-1 and finish 2-32 on parlays. In order to try to salvage a little respectability, I will pick each playoff game this year. No parlays here. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line. Here goes:

Buccaneers -2 1/2 v. Redskins
Jaguars +7 1/2 @ Patriots
Panthers +2 1/2 @ Giants
Bengals +3 1/2 v. Steelers

Can We Hate Her Now?

I was in high school when I first saw Kelly LeBrock. She was on a commercial for Pantene shampoo where she spouted the well known 1980's catch phrase, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." By the mid-80's she had starred in films including the title role of "The Woman in Red" and teen geek fantasy girl in "Weird Science." In 1990 she married martial arts star Steven Seagal after starring opposite him in "Hard to Kill" at age 30. I don't remember seeing her in the last fifteen years, until last night.

Imagine my surprise to see one of the most beautiful starlets from my teenage years on the VH1 show, "Celebrity Fit Club." CFC is one of my favorite shows. It is a celebrity reality TV show that features eight washed-up C-list celebrities who are so desperate to recapture a tiny bit of limelight that they will parade their disgustingly bloated bodies in front of the camera to show how fat they've gotten since their career fell on hard times. Examples of the lame list of former celebs include former Cosby kid Tempestt Bledsoe, Sonny & Cher's daughter Chastity Bono, former Taxi supporting player Jeff Conway (he played the one unfunny character - Bobby Wheeler), and rapper Bizarre.

Say it ain't so Kelly! You've let yourself go and now you're casting your lot with these losers.

Some statistics:

Age: 45
Height: 5' 8"
Weight: 175 lbs.
Body Fat %: 30%

We at NIGP will keep you posted on Kelly's progress.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Top 11 New Items on the Vikings Themed Restaurant Menu

Yesterday, the Star Tribune reviewed the Purple People Eatery, a new Vikings-themed restaurant in Woodbury. Anonymous inside sources have leaked the top 11 items soon to be featured the menu:

11. Onterrio Smith's Original Wienerator

10. Fred Smoot's Double Bratwurst Combo

9. Bryant McKinnie's New York Stripper Sandwich

8. Randy Moss's I'm Sweet or Sour When I Want To Be Pork

7. Kelly Campbell's Pot Stickers

6. Tommy Kramer's Pickled Liver and Onions

5. Warren Moon's Battered Wife

4. Todd Steussie's Off Side Salad

3. Mike Tice's Scalped Potatoes

2. Esera Tuaolo's Brokeback Mountain Oysters

1. Joe Senser's Overpriced Hamburger

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Lying Low

Light blogging until this Jack Abramoff scandal thing blows over.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Top 11 Real Reasons Garrison Keillor is Not Moving “A Prairie Home Companion” from St. Paul

11. Natural reaction to cornpone humor in St. Paul: courtesy laugher. In Manhattan: the F-word.

10. Some irreverent New York wiseacre might refer to the show as “A Prairie Ho Companion”.

9. New York women don’t fall for his favorite line: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the tits of an angel?”

8. New York women don’t fall for his back-up line: “Hey baby, how would you like me to powdermilk your biscuits?”

7. Since few people outside of Minnesota know who he is, it would be harder for him to play the put-upon celebrity.

6. “The News from Lake Brooklyn” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

5. The New York Times delivers to St. Paul, but the Star Tribune does NOT deliver to Manhattan.

4. New York has a Republican mayor.

3. Waking up in a city that never sleeps is not as glamorous when you're already waking up to go to the bathroom 3 times a night

2. If he ever threatened to leave New York, no one would beg him to stay.

1. Millions in tax subsidized revenues not sufficient to feed his children on the Upper West side

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Report Card: A Look Back At My Predictions for 2005

We are probably the last place anyone would go to for accurate predictions, but at least we’re up-front about our ineptitude.

In that spirit, here is my review of my Predictions for 2005:

Minnesota Sports
The Vikings will lose their first playoff game.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I failed to predict that the Packers would be their first playoff opponent.

The Twins will finish third in the AL Central.
RESULT: CORRECT

The Timberwolves will go back to losing in the first round of the playoffs.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – Timberwolves didn’t make the playoffs, but I had the right idea.

At least one of Latrell Sprewell’s children will be hospitalized for malnutrition. A contrite Glen Taylor will grant Spre his raise.
RESULT: INCORRECT – Spre’s children are alive and well.

The NHL strike will not be settled.
RESULT: INCORRECT

The good news: The Gopher Hockey team will win their third National Championship in four years.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I was off by a year.

Politics
George W. Bush will be accused of being a tool of Halliburton.
RESULT: CORRECT

Howard Dean will be named DNC Chairman. Karl Rove will officially have no comment, but will privately let out a Howard Dean yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaagggghhhh.
RESULT: CORRECT

Nick Coleman’s brother Chris will defeat Randy Kelly in the St. Paul mayoral election. Nick Coleman and Laura Billings resign their columns to avoid any appearance of conflict of interest and join the blogosphere.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – Chris Coleman was elected mayor, but his relatives were allowed to continue their columns in the Pioneer Press and Star Tribune.

There will be a major scandal in a Minnesota Soil and Water Conservation District.
RESULT: INCORRECT

Blogosphere
Nihilist in Golf Pants will become the most read blog in America’s prisons.
RESULT: CORRECT – If you include Guantanamo and the secret CIA prisons.

John Hinderaker and Scott Johnson will take over William Safire’s New York Times column; Nick Coleman’s suicide attempt will be unsuccessful.
RESULT: INCORRECT – A blessing in disguise for Hinderaker and Johnson in that they can continue to have their writing read.

The new Nick Coleman/Laura Billings blog will take off like a shot and be named Time magazine’s blog of the year for 2005.
RESULT: INCORRECT – They opted to continue to collect outrageous salaries for meager output.

The entire Fraters Libertas crew will go on the wagon. Keegan’s will be forced to layoff two bartenders.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – The Keegan’s layoffs were caused by the smoking ban.

Craig Westover will receive a lucrative endorsement deal from a major hat manufacturer.
RESULT: INCORRECT – But only because hat industry doesn’t understand marketing.

Mitch Berg will have a successful date.
RESULT: PROBABLY INCORRECT

Whiskey will post an item at Captain’s Quarters.
RESULT: CORRECT

Wonkette will make a joke referencing sodomy.
RESULT: CORRECT – Yeah, this one was a gimme.

King Banaian of SCSU Scholars will expose an incident of political correctness run amok at Saint Cloud State University.
RESULT: CORRECT

Margaret of Our House will plant one or more tulips.
RESULT: CORRECT – At least they’re tulips in my book.

Sisyphus from Nihilist in Golf Pants will make a killing in the stock market.
RESULT: CORRECT

Pop Culture
Michael Jackson will be convicted, no one will riot.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I once again overestimate the intelligence of American jurors.

An all new Paris Hilton sex video will surface on the internet.
RESULT: PROBABLY CORRECT – This one has to be correct, but I’m not about to go looking for proof.

A new reality series on Fox will be criticized for being crass and vulgar.
RESULT: CORRECT – See above.

Michelle Pfeiffer will continue to age gracefully.
RESULT: CORRECT

FINAL GRADE: 13.5 out of 25 – An F even with grade inflation.

You’d think that these dismal results would make me think twice about attempting further predictions, but you’d be wrong. Over on Kennedy vs. the Machine, you will find my Top 11 Minnesota political predictions for 2006.