Sunday, April 30, 2006

He's Too Sexy For This Contest

The people have spoken and the polls are closed after one week and we can now officially declare Pinkmonkeybird the Most Eligible Bachelor in the MOB. It was a tight race, with PMB garnering a narrow five vote margin of victory over Andy Aplikowski 61-56. Kevin Ecker finished a distant third with 19 votes and Mitch Berg garnered a mere 12.

This is indeed an upset victory as PMB actually conceded the decision to Andy early last week. Coupled with the fact that Andy won the preliminary pool over at KAR. So why did Andy lose our poll? My guess is he's just too sexy. Here is my support for this theory. A photo of Andy:

And a photo of Richard Fairbrass, the lead singer for the band Right Said Fred, a one-hit wonder from the 1990's. Their only hit: "I'm Too Sexy."

Legally Binding Disclaimer: Ladies, this contest is merely a poll for entertainment purposes and in no way represents an endorsement of any of the contestants. Date any or all of these eligible bachelors at your own risk. Nihilist in Golf Pants blog, it's members and the voters in this poll are no way responsible in the event such a date leads to an Ed Gein type consequence.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Stupid Pink

Today on Part 1 of the Northern Alliance Radio Network the boys played the new Pink song that chastises George W. Bush as an evil hate-monger. They fisked her new single called, "Mr. President." Always one up on them, we have come up with a parody of Pink's more popular "Stupid Girls."

Stupid Pink, stupid Pink, stupid Pink
Thank God I don't think like that, logic would kick my ass
whiney silly Bush hating girl, Pink is just a stupid girl

Watch her new video, there's no sense there
Make me laugh out loud her brain's so impaired
Looking for George Bush to shoulder more blame
(She's a shame)
Pink's got a bad song called "Mr. President"
She ought to take her money and buy herself some sense
Watching a Pink video is a major pain
With her not-so-hot body and her teeny-weeny brain
Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

Maybe if she sings like that, the left will have her back
Did you even finish high-school girl? Pink, you're just a stupid girl
How can she sing like that, damn her lyrics are crap
Her music's worse than rap, Pink is just a stupid girl

(Break it down now)
Her brain damage is growing, it's epidemic
I'm scared that there ain't a cure
Her lyrics show that she's going crazy
I cannot take any more
I'm so glad I don't have to listen
That will never be me
She should be an outcast, hey people with talent
That's what I wanna see
She's a disasters
Her listeners despair
She screams that George Bush
Will **** up everything everywhere

Maybe if she sings like that, the left will have her back
Did you even finish high school girl, Pink is just a stupid girl
How can she sing like that? Damn her lyrics are crap
Her music's worse than rap, Pink is just a stupid girl

Oh my god you guys, I totally listened to the Pink CD
That was so not too smart, no
This song's called Mr. President

(You can's sing, you can't sing, you can't sing)
(You're brainless, brainless, brainless)
Pink you are a real dumb girl, songs with a message girl
Man your music sucks it girl, stupid girl!
Pink you are a real dumb girl, songs with a message girl
Man your music sucks it girl, stupid girl!

Maybe if she sings like that, the left will have her back
Your music is pure crap, stupid girl!

Maybe if she sings like that, the left will have her back
Did you finish high school girl, Pink is just a stupid girl
How can she sing like that, damn her music is crap
Her music's worse than rap, Pink is just a stupid girl

Powerline Style Media Alert IV

There is a strong likelihood that I will be appearing on AM 1280's Patriot Insider with Mark Yost this morning to discuss my review of United 93. If I don't appear this week I will be there next week for sure.

United 93 is a gripping movie, difficult to watch. JB Doubtless may believe that art's purpose is merely to entertain, but this film proves otherwise. It provoked an emotional reaction with me and the rest of the audience, but I can't say I was entertained. At times I was informed, at times reminded, and at times questioned.

Hear more later today (probably).

I was indeed on the show today. Yost made me develop a ratings system that I will be using for future reference. I am using a golf-based system per my monitor. I give United 93 a birdie.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Top 11 Things That Caused Snoop Dogg & Posse To Run Riot At Heathrow Airport

11. Bitterly disappointed that flight over from US was not at all like "Soul Plane"

10. British Airways lounge ran out of Cristal.

9. Airport staff ignored his request to turn the TVs from Fox News to CNN

8. He misunderstood a British fan's request for a fag.

7. Heard that Amy Klobuchar was in town and wanted to make her feel at home.

6. Watching Arsenal-Everton match in airport bar inspired them to a bout of hooligism.

5. Brits kept asking him to sing that "It's hard Out Here For A Pimp" song for them.

4. When they left LA, they were advised by peeps to "keep it real" so they really had no choice.

3. They made the mistake of actually eating English food.

2. They got tired of Bobbies "mean muggin" them.

1. British bartenders refused to add juice to his gin.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Top 11 Things That The Nihilist In Golf Pants Did To Win The City Pages Best Right Wing Blog Award

11. Shaved Lindsey Thomas' armpits.

10. Bought Dara Moskowitz lunch at the new Eritrean place on Nicollet.

9. Launched relentlessly negative campaign against Power Line.

8. Dropped off copies of the City Pages at dangerous Block E locations for last two weeks.

7. Pretended that the cartoon "This Modern World" was funny.

6. Smoked a bowl with music critic Peter Scholtes.

5. Illegally wiretapped phone conversations between Scott Johnson and Katherine Kersten and provided transcripts to The Blotter.

4. Escorted Dan Savage to a very private screening of "Brokeback Mountain."

3. Started using crystal meth.

2. Answered the phone at one of the gay sex lines advertised in the paper.

1. Agreed with editor Steve Perry that we're living under a fascist dictatorship (but didn't mention that he's fine with that).

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Top 11 Honors As Dubious As City Pages’ Best Right Wing Blog

11) North Korea Friendship Medal

10) Miss Congeniality at the Miss Universe Pageant

9) The Pioneer Press's Rock Solid Award for hardest working journalist

8) Grammy for best Scandinavian-Turkish Folk Blues Fusion Album

7) Any of those "School Spirit" or "sportsmanship"awards at high school state tournaments

6) Pulitzer Prize for Undermining National Security

5) Most Valuable Player in the Arena Football League

4) Most Eligible Bachelor in the MOB

3) Star Tribune Letter of the Day

2) The Lady Byng Memorial Trophy

1) Being #1 on the Nihilist's Top 11 blogs list

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Top 11 Thoughts That Went Through The Minds Of Those Flag Burning Hippies When Rick Monday Snatched The Flag They Were Trying To Burn

Today is the thirtieth anniversary of Chicago Cub’s Centerfielder Rick Monday liberating an American Flag that was about to be burned by two hippies. Here we answer the question that has been nagging millions ever since: What were the top 11 thoughts that ran through the “minds” of those hippies when Monday snatched the flag?

11. Hey, he stole our flag! There’s never a cop around when you need one!

10. Next time we’ll burn it by First Base. Centerfielders are too fast.

9. At least he didn’t run off with my pot.

8. "John you can't light for crap."
"Oh like you're better Scott!"

7. That does it; I’m cutting Monday from my fantasy team

6. If I had any respect for private property, I'd be really angry right now.

5. I told him to douse the flag with lighter fluid BEFORE we ran onto the field, but no, he had to do it his way

4. Darn it, now I won't get extra credit in my public school civics class!

3. I hope this doesn’t stop Neil Young from writing a tribute song about us

2. Who would’ve thought a Cub would come through in a clutch situation?

1. More squelching of dissent! Gerald Ford is worse than Hitler!

The Blogger Who Would Be Press Secretary

What the Bush Administration needs right now is a Press Secretary who can think outside the box – someone who isn’t afraid of the Press and doesn’t feel the need to be civil. What the administration needs is a blogger to be the next Press Secretary and not just any blogger: they need me. Here is a sample of what they would get:

SISYPHUS: Good afternoon, everyone.

I have an important announcement that you should all listen to very closely. All economic information gathered by the federal government is now classified as Super-Duper Top Secret. I would respectfully ask you not to print any information on the current unemployment rate, GNP, job creation, inflation, real disposable incomes, consumer spending, new orders for durable goods, construction spending, or productivity as the release of this information would greatly hinder the war effort in Afghanistan and Iraq. The President has declassified the gas price data to bolster our case that we really didn’t go into Iraq to get their oil.

Now I would be happy to take some questions in the unlikely event that one of you has an intelligent one.

Q: Many retired Generals and Admirals have called for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. When will the President come to his senses and fire this guy we all hate?

SISYPHUS: The President doesn’t make personnel decisions based on the person’s popularity with the press. Nor does he care much about what a handful of Wesley Clark wannabes are saying to suck up to the crowd.

Q: Senator Ted Kennedy has been criticizing the President for not calling the oil company CEOs into White House to lecture them on price gouging. Why hasn’t the President asked his big oil buddies to cut the American people a break?

SISYPHUS: Was Kennedy drunk [pause for laughter that will not come]. No, Kennedy has no clue about economics drunk or sober. He seems to think that the oil executives woke up one morning and said to themselves: “Hey, I know how I could really increase our profits. Let’s charge three buck a gallon! I wish I’d thought of this sooner!” Gas prices are determined by supply and demand. If you need more information, enroll in Economics 101.

Q: I have a follow up. Then why did he order a probe into possible cheating on gasoline prices…

SISYPHUS: To placate you guys. The President realizes that this probe is a complete waste of time and money. Econ 101. Next question.

Q: Was Karl Rove fired because he is about to be indicted in Plamegate?

SISYPHUS: Ha! You wish. He’s just positioning himself to kick some Donkey in the 2006 midterms.

Q: I would like to ask about the NCAA West Hockey Regional. How do you explain the fact that the virtually unknown Holy Cross team defeated the Minneso …

SISYPHUS: Secret Service, please escort Mr. Yost off the premises. This Press Conference is over.

Monday, April 24, 2006

These Are The Days Of Our Lives

Lots of things happened last week worth noting.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 80th birthday last Friday. She has spent 54 years on the throne. And I thought Ramblin' Rhodes had some plumbing problems.

Saturday was the 36th annual Earth Day. Thanks to Earth Day we no longer have any environmental problems! Thank you pinkos!

Today was arguably the best episode of "24" this season. Chloe has some classically funny lines. Spoiler alert: Any hour where a William Devane character dies is a good hour.

Andy Alphabet is making a push to defend his Most Eligible Bachelor title. He's putting his charm on display for all to see. No wonder the ladies can't resist.

Finally, tonight Hugh Hewitt appears on the Colbert Report to plug Painting The Map Red. Let's hope Hugh understands that Stephen Colbert is doing a parody of Bill O'Reilly.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Moonbat Minute

I have been toying with the notion of giving a lefty blogger equal time on NIGP to foster an intelligent and civil debate on the issues of the day. The problem is that I haven't been able to find an intelligent and civil lefty blogger. Nor have I been able to find one who can debate the real world issues with any convincing clarity that would make someone like me (and presumably you, the readers) think twice about my assumptions.

At least that is the case with real world issues like the price of gasoline, the war in Iraq or the economy. However I have found someone who has shaken my assumptions in the fantasy world that is FOX TV's "24." As he requested anonymity, I present the words of Mr. Buck Fush:

I am sick and tired of seeing wing-nut bloggers sport wood at the thought that "24" has some sort of conservative ideological bias. Jack Bauer may have been the primary hero for the run of the show, but one of the major hero's for at least the first four seasons was Democratic President David Palmer (US senator in season 1, POTUS in seasons 2-3 and ex-President in season 4 before his assassination in the opening minutes of season 5). In one first season episode the script clearly showed that Palmer was running for the Democratic nomination. Like the Republican Party would seriously consider nominating a minority anyway (don't give me Condo-Lisa, she won't run).

Likewise, I am sick and tired of seeing posts like this suggest that current President Logan is a Democrat. Logan is a Republican. He was VP until President Keeler was critically injured in season 4. In season 3, Democratic President Palmer debated then Senator Keeler in a 2-man debate.

Further, we've now learned that President Logan, who looks just like Richard Nixon, authorized an enemy's terrorist attack on American soil so that he would have justification to start a war on peaceful Middle Eastern governments. Sound like anyone we know?

I for one am shaken. While I don't buy the last paragraph (except for the resemblance to Nixon), I do believe that a lefty writer might just make a fictional president look bad in hopes of drawing a parallel to the current real world president. Damn you "24!" You are a pinko Hollywood production after all!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Who Wants To Marry A Blogger?

The MOB is always awash with news. This year the big news is that blogging icon Brian "St. Paul" Ward is getting hitched. Apparently, Rachel Irene won the battle royal, tossing a dozen other suitors over the top rope to win Brian's coveted wedding ring. If Wally Karbo were still alive I'm sure he would comment, "There's going to be fines and suspensions!"

But seriously folks, we offer our most sincere congratulations to Rachel and Brian!

Learned Foot took it upon himself to conduct a poll in order to determine the next most eligible MOB bachelor. While we think this is a worthy goal, Foot's poll was terribly flawed. Evidence of this flaw is the fact that Andy Aplikowski won, narrowly defeating our own Sisyphus. Further evidence is the fact that Atomizer's liver finished second place despite the fact that it is indeed married.

So we are conducting a real poll to see who the most eligible bachelors are. Ladies, who is the man you love? Guys, who would you want to date your sister, or your daughter if you are Craig Westover's age? Let's meet the contenders:

Andy is fresh off of a victory in the KAR poll. He blogs at Residual Forces and Kennedy Versus the Machine.

Mitch Berg is known to all MOBsters, which probably dooms his chances of winning. Mitch blogs at Shot in the Dark and is the host of Part II of the Northern Alliance Radio Network.

Pinkmonkeybird is a bit of a mystery man. His hobbies include biking and listening to David Bowie CDs. He is a natty dresser and can occasionally be seen in lederhosen.

Kevin Ecker is unique to the rest of this bunch, in that he is the only one with more hair than my three month old. He's a bit of a heartbreaker himself as the MAWB squad gals tried to make him their love slave before they all quit blogging.

Those are our bachelors. Have at 'em ladies!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Top 11 Democratic Ideas for Lowering Gas Prices

11. Raise the gas tax

10. Don’t drill in ANWR

9. Don’t drill anywhere else either

8. More research funding for alternative fuels like anti-matter and pixie dust

7. Require that sugar be mixed with all gasoline so that none of our cars will work and everyone will have to walk

6. Give Iran an H-bomb if they promise to lower gas prices

5. Whine about Halliburton

4. Suck up to Hugo Chavez

3. Send Jimmy Carter to negotiate with OPEC

2. A new Manhattan project to build Transporters like they have in Star trek

1. Blame Bush

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Sisyphus Interview: Killer Swampee Tells (Almost) All

After years of turning down all interview requests, Killer Swampee, the rabbit that attacked President Jimmy Carter has at long last agreed to an interview. Here is the Nihilist in Golf Pants Exclusive:

SISYPHUS: So, do you remember where you were April 20, 1979?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] Yeah man, I’m not gonna forget that day anytime soon.

SISYPHUS: I’m sure you’re not the only one. What everyone wants to know is why? Where you after the Billy Beer on the boat?
KILLER SWAMPEE: No man, I can’t choke down Grain Belt let alone that swill. Billy was a good guy though.

SISYPHUS: Why then did you try to get on the Presidents’ boat?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Jimmy knows. Go ask him.

SISYPHUS: I want to hear your side of the story?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Let’s just say that Jimmy and I go way back. He knows what he did. He better stay away from me and outa my swamp. KnowwhatImean?

SISYPHUS: Jody Powell described you as “clearly in distress or perhaps berserk”. Is that accurate?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Spin, man, that be just spin. I was calm and rational, man. I just wanted to have a word. Then he come after me with that oar. That was unprovoked, man. If I was the Ayatollah, man, he wouldn’ta come after me.

SISYPHUS: True enough, but you must have really done something to get him to react with force.
KILLER SWAMPEE: Like I say, Jimmy and me have history goin’ way back. I’m savin’ the details for my memoirs. That bitch better hope I never get around to writin’ ‘em. If I went up to him on his turf, say the house in Plains or the White House, sure, I’d respect him for coming at me with an oar. But he was in my swamp, man. Don’t go disrespecting me in my own swamp like that.

SISYPHUS: You sound like you’ve had previous run-ins with the President Carter, yet he was quoted as saying that he had little experience dealing with enraged rabbits.
KILLER SWAMPEE: That be a flat out lie. We had many dealin’s when I be more enraged than I was that day. I never threatened him violence though, not ever. I’m a lover, not a fighter. He be the one who came after me with the oar.

SISYPHUS: What did you think of the Carter Administration?
KILLER SWAMPEE: I never followed politics, man, but even in the swamp everyone knew that Jimmy gone messed up the country. No one here be surprised either. We all hate all the Carters especially Jimmy and that whining Amy. Cept for Billy, we all liked Billy.

SISYPHUS: Would you describe yourself as an Angry Gray Rabbit?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] No, that’s the media’s description. I’m not angry, but it is hard out here for a swamp rabbit.

SISYPHUS: How did the events of April 20, 1979 effect your relations with the others in the swamp?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Man, I gotta admit that that day didn’t hurt my swamp-cred none. After that the ladies were a little more receptive, if you know what I mean.

SISYPHUS: Anything you’d like to say to President Carter?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Nope. He know to stay outa my swamp. If he come back he better bring more than just that oar.

SISYPHUS: One final question: Was Rove involved?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] No comment, man, no comment.

Killer Rabbit Day XXVII

It seems like only yesterday that it was Killer Rabbit Day XXVI. As you know, on April 20, 1979 President Jimmy Carter, in perhaps one of the most metaphorically rich events in American history, was attacked by a killer rabbit.

This year I've been too busy preparing for the annual Killer Swampee Gala celebration to prepare many posts, but really there have been no new developments since last year when we covered the day properly with song parodies, speculation, limericks, haiku, more haiku, nostalgia, and analysis.

So whether you are at a Killer Rabbit Gala or just at home with your loved ones, don't forget to raise a glass to Killer Swampee and to the man who inexplicably told the press about the attack, President Carter's Press Secretary, Jody Powell.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Top 11 Upcoming Star Tribune Cost Cutting Measures

The Star Tribune is trying to cut costs by no longer supplying free newspapers to their employees. Unfortunately, this has not saved the money they’d hoped because their scofflaw employees keep stealing extra copies from the newspaper boxes. Thus, the Strib will have no choice but to institute additional cost cutting measures. Her are the top 11:

11. Employees will be ordered to not write anything that might win a Pulitzer to save the expense of an office celebration

10. Lileks’ desk will be replaced with a plastic Fisher Price model

9. Money will be saved by encouraging Nick Coleman to recycle his old Pioneer Press columns

8. More female employees will be hired since statistics show that women are paid less than men

7. Employees will be charged rent to use their cubicles

6. Rather than paying a market-research firm to conduct the “Minnesota Poll” they will just poll a representative committee of Nick Coleman, Doug Grow, Jim Boyd and Kate Parry.

5. Patrick Reusse's per diem meal expenses will be capped at $150

4. Gatekeepers will be replaced with Virtual Gatekeepers

3. DFL press releases will be run as is instead of paying someone to re-write them

2. Expensive toilet paper will be replaced with unsold back issues

1. The entire editorial staff will be fired and a chimp will be trained to type “Bush Sucks" 365 days a year

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Card Carrying MSM Member Joins Blogosphere

The Great Right Hope of the Twin Cities media, Mark Yost, has parted ways with the St. Paul Pioneer Press – but the MSMs loss is the blogosphere’s gain. Mark has started not one, but two new blogs:

the home front
Including Mark’s articles on soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.

A great resource where you can read about the heroics of soldiers who have earned some of the highest decorations our military hast to offer. These include Navy Cross awardees Sgt. Anthony Viggiani, HM3 Luis Fonseca Jr., and Brian R. Chontosh. You aren’t likely to read this in Mark Yost’s former employers.

Check out these blogs now, before the College Hockey season begins and Mark Yost exposes us to his politically incorrect anti-Gopher Hockey opinions.

Top 11.5 Ways R.T. Rybak Plans to Work Harder to Reduce Crime in Minneapolis

The end of the Minneapolis crime wave is in sight! Mayor R. T. Rybak has announced that he will try harder to reduce crime in the city. Here are his top 11 (and a half) ideas:

11. When stage-diving off of Gay Pride Parade floats, he will try to land on criminals

10. Remind gun wielding gang members that gun smoke is a violation of the Kyoto Protocols

9. Brighter Bat Signal

8. All buildings in Uptown will be painted a soothing pink

7. Help Amy Klobuchar get elected to the Senate so that she can be replaced with a competent County Attorney

6. Zero tolerance for newspaper pilfering Strib employees

6.5 Bring in Jimmy Carter to mediate

5. Make smoking in bars or restaurants a felony

4. Special anti-crime brainstorming camping trip with fellow "Brokeback Mayor" Chris Coleman

3. Decree anyone arrested for murder in Minneapolis will be dressed as a female firefighter and have to share a cell with Bonnie Bleskachek

2. Appoint even more commissions to study ways to reduce crime and demand that they turn in actionable white papers no later than July 2009

1. Urge citizens of Minneapolis to move along, there's nothing to see here

Monday, April 17, 2006

Top 11 Annoying Questions Asked by Potential Buyers of the Coleman/Billings Mansion

In today’s column, Laura Billings laments the many difficulties she and hubby Nick faced in unloading their Crocus Hill mansion. Chief among the complaints was “being pestered by annoying questions” (the nerve of some people!).

Thanks to NSA wiretaps leaked to us by the Bush administration, we can now reveal the top 11 annoying questions asked by potential buyers of the Coleman/Billings Mansion:

11. Will Brian Lambert still cut the grass here after you've moved?

10. Are you going to have that mountain of White Castle wrappers removed, or will that be my responsibility?

9. Is the fountain made of empty Viagra bottles included?

8. If you miss the toilet that much, why'd you carpet the bathroom?

7. Who is Deborah Howell and why is she listed as the house's true owner?

6. How much does it cost to heat the Olympic sized hot tub?

5. Why does the entire place smell like soiled hockey equipment?

4. When will you clear up that lien that Marshall Fields has on the place so the title can be transferred?

3. Is it my imagination, or are there faint screams coming from under the basement floor?

2. Is the Grotto an exact replica of the one at the Playboy Mansion?

1. Why do all the books in the basement have stamped on them "Property of Maxfield Elementary School"?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

How Long Can This Keep Going On?

Easter is the ultimate celebration of life from death, so maybe there is hope for Minnesota Twins cleanup hitter Rondell White. At the time I hit publish, White has 4 hits and 2 RBIs in 46 at-bats. He's making a cool $3.25 million this year for that feeble production and day after day he's still in the lineup while hopefuls like Jason Kubel remain on the bench. Mr. Gardenhire, have you no shame?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Diane Sawyer Lets Him Cruise

Last night Diane Sawyer interviewed Tom Cruise and gave him a free pass. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Larry King together would have had a difficult time tossing softballs like Diane lobbed in to Tom. Examples of questions Diane didn't ask included:
  • Why do you think there are so many rumors that you are homosexul?
  • What do you say to people who think your relationship with Katie Holmes is a sham?
  • Is Scientology a cult?
  • Are you proud of your work in "Cocktail"?

Instead Diane dived into Tom's relationship with his father, allowed him to evade any questions regarding the validity of Scientology, and gave creedence to his relationship with Katie Holmes.

The second most inane moment in the interview was when Diane asked about Tom's claim that as he rose in the ranks of scientology, he had acquired mastery over disease. He responded that he used to have "sinus infections" all the time, but since he had risen in the religious ranks he doesn't have them anymore. Diane should have followed up with this question, but of course didn't:

"If that's true, then why did L. Ron Hubbard die?"

Or could it be that Cruise was talking in code and "sinus infections" really meant anal sex?

Of all the inane questions Diane asked, the best was: "What do you want to say to your baby when he/she is born."

Cruise is already a father, of two adopted children. I'm not sure how old they were when he and Nicole Kidman got them, but he should know that it isn't what you say to your baby that matters. The little buggers can't do anything for themselves, including comprehending the speach you publicist crafted detailing your love for them. What you say to them is irrelevant. It's what you do for them. They have diaper rashes you need to rub cream on. They get hungry and need to be fed. Afterwards they need to be burped. You need to check on them when they are sleeping to make sure they didn't spit up all over themselves.

All of these needs can be outsourced to an au pair, a nanny or even a wife. I'd be willing to bet that freaky Tom Cruise will use any option other than doing the work himself.

Tom Cruise is the white man's Michael Jackson.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Important Information For JB Doubtless

Some people seem to be under the mistaken impression that lent runs through Easter. In fact, lent ends at sundown on Holy Thursday. So, those of you who have nobly given up something, for example, alcohol, no need to wait until Easter for that martini.

CLARIFICATION: I am not suggesting that JB should step out of the Mass of the Lord's Supper tonight and into a Holy Week bender. I am merely pointing out that he could have a nice martini tonight without breaking his Lenten abstinence pledge.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

By Any Other Name, He'd Still Smell Like B.O. recently sent out an e-mail whining about their view that the voting machines used in presidential elections are, in their opinion, biased. Their goal was to raise money to demand paper voting records.

The letter in itself wasn't as outrageous or disturbing as most of the garbage that comes out of In fact it was completely unremarkable, save for one interesting fact. The e-mail was signed by someone named Noah T. Winer. I assume his last name is pronounced like "whiner."

The Misanthropic Frat Boy, upon seeing this asked the question, "If you were gonna make up a parody name for a guy from MoveOn could you come up with something better than Noah T. Winer?"

Here are my top 11 attempts:

11. Warren D. Rich
10. Nada Smart
9. Noah Dickens
8. George W. Hader
7. Boon Matt
6. Phil McCrackin
5. Libby Toole
4. Buck Fush
3. Lou Zehrer
2. George Soroslosoros
1. M. T. Head

Monday, April 10, 2006

Top 11 Suggested Gifts for Baby Doubtless

11. Conservative Baby Bib

10. Baby Body Armor in case the kid has to venture into downtown Minneapolis

9. Toy fire truck with action figure of Chief Bonnie Bleskachek (with kung fu grip!)

8. Legos Split Level Ranch Style House in the Suburbs Kit

7. James Lileks growth chart (goes all the way up to 40 inches)

6. CD of Barney singing “Afternoon Delight”

5. Applebee’s Kid's Menu Gift Certificate

4. My First Assault Rifle

3. Wal-mart Diapers

2. Ronald Reagan One-sie

1. Hillary Scares Me Infant Creeper

Top 11 Reasons Why The Twins Can't Hit Their Weight

When the Godfather of the Blogosphere suggests a Top 11 list, we say: “Are you sure you only want 11”. This is true no matter how repugnant the subject material (and this weekends Twins-Indians series was plenty repugnant). So, here are the top 11 reasons the Twins can’t hit their weight:

11. The Anti-Minnesota Umpiring Conspiracy

10. Not hitting was their way to protest the blatant racism of "Chief Wahoo" and stick it to The Man

9. The young Twins hitters are not yet acclimated to the smell of Lake Erie

8. In all fairness, Ted Williams in his prime couldn’t hit the weight of several of these guys

7. Distracted by fears of losing their jobs if illegal immigrants are granted amnesty

6. Fight at the bat rack over who would get to hit against "closer" Bob Wickman

5. Couldn’t get over the disappointment from when they toured the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and found no mention of The Carpenters

4. Afraid that displaying too much power will spur rumors of steroid abuse

3. Impossible to hit and at the same time ask yourself “I wonder if Hugh Hewitt will have the smart guys on this week”

2. Distracted by worries about getting shot on the way to the home opener in Minneapolis on Tuesday

1. Hitting above .250 is one of those jobs Americans won't do

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Evaluating My Oil Change

A couple of weeks ago I took in my vehicle for an oil change. A week or so later I received a call from my vehicle’s manufacturer. Here is a slightly embellished transcript of the conversation:

CALLER: Hi Mr. Sisyphus, I’m calling from [luxury automobile manufacturer]. Our records show you recently had your vehicle serviced at [luxury automobile dealer]. Is that correct?

SISYPHUS: Yes, I had my oil changed.

SURVEY TAKER: Do you have time for a brief customer satisfaction survey?

SISYPHUS: Well, I was going to write a blog post, but I guess I can do this instead.

SURVEY TAKER: Thank you. Was the work completed in a timely manner?


SURVEY TAKER: Was the work done correctly the first time?

SISYPHUS: [long pause] I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t check. Just a minute and I’ll run out to the garage and check.


SISYPHUS: It’ll just take a sec.

[3 or 4 minutes later]

SISYPHUS: Looks like the crankcase is full, but I don’t really have any way to know that they actually changed the oil. I took a sample that I can send o you for analysis.


SISYPHUS: I have a sample of oil that I can send to you so that you can confirm that the dealer actually changed my oil and didn’t just say they did.

SURVEY TAKER: [pause] I’m sure that would never happen.

SISYPHUS: Then why waste your time and mine with this survey. How do we know that they’re not just pocketing my $20? If they’re lying, my engine will wear out quicker than it should, and I’ll blame your employer and purchase a different brand next time. Where should I send the oil sample?

SURVEY TAKER: [long pause] I don’t think we do that.

SISYPHUS: I’m sure you must. Why don’t you check with your supervisor?


[4 or 5 minute wait]

SUPERVISOR: I’m [name], the supervisor. Is there a problem, sir?

SISYPHUS: That’s what I’m trying to find out. You asked me whether my oil change was performed correctly the first time. I’m trying to get an address to send my oil sample so that we can find out.

SUPERVISOR: I’m sorry sir, but we don’t do that.

SISYPHUS: Okay, fine. Put down “I don’t know” to that question.

SUPERVISOR: You don’t know?

SISYPHUS: Most likely the oil change was done correctly, but I don’t really know for sure.

SUPERVISOR: [pause] Okay. On a scale from one to five with one being unsatisfied and five being very satisfied, how would you rate your maintenance experience?

SISYPHUS: Five, very satisfied.

SUPERVISOR: And what about the experience were you very satisfied with.

SISYPHUS: What? What do you mean?

SUPERVISOR: You said you were very satisfied, why?

SISYPHUS: [pause] It was just an oil change that may or may not have been correctly performed the first time. I have to give a reason?

SUPERVISOR: [long pause] If you would, please.

SISYPHUS: Okay, I’ll level with you. I have no reason for my ranking; I just thought that saying I was very satisfied would end this interview quicker.

SUPERVISOR: Thank you, very much for your time, sir.

SISYPHUS: Sure, any time.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I Feel Great

I think this is the funniest commercial I've ever seen.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Star Tribune To Fire Reader's Rep Kate Parry*

An anonymous source reports to NIGP that the Minneapolis Star Tribune will fire "Reader's Rep" Kate Parry tomorrow. Anyone who has witnessed the job Parry has done in the past year can understand why, as expectations have clearly not been met for several seasons. Parry has done a poor job winning credibility for her newspaper by failing to properly coach StarTribune editors, reporters and columnists when they do not perform up to the standards expected by fans of quality news reporting.

One of the greatest examples of Parry's stonewalling on behalf of the paper against even the most well reasoned criticism is the story of Minnesota Gophers Basketball Coach Dan Monson. On March 22, the Strib reported (no longer available online) that Monson would be fired in the next few days. The following day, Gophers Athletic Director Joel Maturi made the announcement that Monson would not be fired.

This test for Kate Parry should have been a slam dunk. The writers and editors ran with an unreliable anonymous source, published an erroneous story and ended up with egg on their faces when it was immediately proven false. She should have lit them up. What good are editors when they allow unnamed sources to plant untruths in the paper? Clearly no better than blogs. Yet Parry threw this brick up:

I’ve checked to make sure the vetting of the anonymous sources followed the newspaper’s rigorous standards. No one made a misstep I’ve been able to detect; they were methodical and cautious.

One problem with this ridiculous statement is that the source was providing speculation, not factual information that could be vetted. A decent news organization would follow the practice of disallowing anonymous speculation and save anonymous sources for statements that can actually be verified as fact. Perhaps Parry would at least apologize:

Trouble is, it’s hard to apologize if you don’t believe you were wrong. Every reporter and editor involved in that story told me he believes the story was accurate when the presses rolled that Tuesday night.

The story said Monson would be fired in the next couple of days. He was not. Therefore the story was not accurate. She can't even admit an obvious mistake! Remember that whenever you read anything that this horrid excuse for a newspaper prints.

And that is why I hope Kate Parry and her family see this report that she will be fired tomorrow, the same way Dan Monson's family had to see a similar false report about him.

* Because this blog strives to be more credible than the Minneapolis StarTribune (I know our standards are too low), I must admit that the anonymous source was me. When pressed I admitted that I made the story of Kate Parry's firing up. Kate Parry will not be fired and the StarTribune will not become a credible news organization.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Top 11 Questions I’d Like To Ask Of The Bloggers I Read

MPR blogger Polinaut has asked the bloggers he reads to answer three questions dealing with their connections, financial and otherwise, to political parties and candidates.

We here at NIGP know our rights and flatly refuse to answer unless compelled by a subpoena. However, our refusal does not stop us from demanding that the blogs we read answer the following 11 questions:

11. Did you buy stock in Halliburton at the time of W’s second inauguration? If not, don’t you feel like a fool for missing out on an 89% return?

10. Do you feel lucky, punk?

9. Will you join my blogswarm to force McDonalds to bring back their Cobb Salad?

8. Are you an illegal allien?

7. Why do delivery drivers think they can park anywhere they want?

6. Have you ever persecuted an African-American Congresswoman?

5. Just who do you think you are?

4. Did you found the Crab Orchard, West Virginia branch of the KKK?

3. Do you know any good "Brokeback Mountain" jokes?

2. Are you a NASCAR fan? If so, why are you so racist?

1. Is your blog financed in part or in whole by the government?

Couric Approval Rating Down To 29%

It used to make me upset when I'd read a biased poll rating suggesting that a politician that I liked had hit an all-time low in terms of the magical "approval rating." However now I say, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Here is my effort at reshaping an AP article on Couric's move to CBS News that make the story read to match my biases. Note that this is an admission you will never find in the Minneapolis StarTribune, although it's a technique that is prevalent there. Note my rewrites in bold. Like the Strib my omissions are not noted - if only I had room to provide a balanced story. Drat!

Now that Katie Couric is making the move from dawn to dusk, her legacy and the future of CBS News depends on an audience that, according to a new poll, prefers not to see her there.

Asked if they would like to see Couric as the first woman to anchor a network weekday evening newscast on her own, a mere 29 percent responded favorably, according to a poll conducted this week by The Associated Press and TV Guide.

The woman who dressed in Marilyn Monroe and SpongeBob SquarePants outfits on Halloween and gave viewers a tour of her colon will take the position once held by the iconic Walter Cronkite and the ousted Dan Rather.

Couric's morning job required her to interview everyone from . . . preening celebrities to a runaway bride. Some critics have questioned whether those skills translate well to a job that primarily involves reading news headlines and presiding when big news strikes.

"If we have another (terrorist) attack or hurricane and need life-saving information, I think her image is that of more fluff than fact and that's going to have an impact," said Jeff Alan, author of "Anchoring America: The Changing Face of Network News."

She seemed far from her hard news roots last November while serving as host for NBC's Thanksgiving Day parade coverage and missing the story of a spectator hurt by a falling street lamp — a development CBS aggressively pursued.

It hasn't helped that the morning show balance has tipped to the less serious, said Charlotte Grimes, a journalism professor at Syracuse University. She said the new anchor needs to ditch the fashion consultants and crafters of the 172 hairstyles that Couric joked about on Wednesday's "Today" show.

As her "Today" tenure lengthened, Couric also gained detractors whose view was most infamously stated by Alessandra Stanley of The New York Times last year: "America's girl next door has morphed into the mercurial diva down the hall. At the first sound of her peremptory voice and clickety stiletto heels, people dart behind doors and douse the lights."

Couric is expected to stay at "Today" until the end of May.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Top 11 Birthday Gifts That Sisyphus Gave To Mary Katharine Ham

Top 11 Birthday Gifts That Sisyphus Gave To Mary Katharine Ham:

11. A case of vanilla Coke

10. A very special lap dance

9. A maroon and gold Golden Gopher g-string

8. A coupon for a free back rub or a lesson in particle physics

7. A Salmongram, 'cause everyone loves salmon.

6. His tear-stained copy of "Einstein In Love"

5. His dog-eared copy of "The Internet For Dummies"

4. Her very own traffic light

3. A very special list of the Top 11 reasons that he wuvs his wittle Hamy Whamy

2. The lower half of his left ear

1. A picture of himself wearing nothing but boxers and black socks as part of what he likes to call "the timeless art of seduction."

Top 11 Reasons Al-Zarqawi Was Fired as Head of Al-Qaeda Iraq

The Times of London has reported that Al-Zarqawi has been removed as leader of Al-Qaeda Iraq. Here are the top 11 reasons for the demotion:

11. Too many of his terrorists copped the attitude: “I’ll blow myself up when I want to blow myself up”

10. His boss found out he was moonlighting with Hamas

9. A photo came out of him with Jack Abramoff

8. He did his Osama impersonation one time too often

7. He was caught with an intern who was not wearing a burhka

6. Bush so ruined the Iraqi economy that even terrorists had to downsize

5. He just seemed to be going through the motions for his last few beheadings

4. A vast right-wing conspiracy practicing the politics of personal destruction was out to get him

3. Everyone was tired of how Zarqawi went on and on about how basketball was superior to soccer

2. He angered Halliburton by blowing up too many oil pipe lines

1. Gosh, could it be because Al-Qaeda isn’t winning the insurgency after all?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Top 11 Reasons T. Rajeevnath Wants To Cast Paris Hilton As Mother Theresa

Unbelievably, Producer T. Rajeevnath claims he is seriously considering casting Paris Hilton in the lead role in his bio-pic of Mother Theresa. Here are the top 11 reasons why

11. Confused her extensive experience in the 'missionary position' with actually being a missionary.

10. Main backer (Rick Hilton) insisted.

9. Really hates Mother Theresa.

8. Dreams of his film being featured in a 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' reunion.

7. Inspired by 'The Producers' and intends to bilk investors in the worst film ever.

6. Already has herpes, what's he got to lose?

5. He's an artist, and his intent is to define irony.

4. He's seen how Paris can empathize with the suffering of others. Once he was at a party with her where they ran out of the good beluga caviar.

3. Courtney Love already turned the role down.

2. He's also a scientist working on a 'Back To The Future' type experiment and needs to be struck by lightning.

1. Really wants to make it in Hollywood, and wants to prove he shares their values.

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men

By now, Nihilist readers were supposed to be treated with a header featuring cheesecake photos of Paris Hilton and Mary Katharine Ham (the two loves of Sisyphus' life). I'm not sure why they aren't up, but I have full confidence in Bill, so they soon should be. Until then, here's a pic of one of the two, I'm not sure which:

Monday, April 03, 2006

Split at Spawning?

Childish United States Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney and child actor Billie Thomas?

Top 11 Reasons This Blog Is Better Off Without Sisyphus

So Sisyphus is really gone? Good riddance. In recent months, his selfish, egocentric behavior was distracting the NIGP team from achieving our goals. While there are a lot of "I's" in Nihilist in Golf Pants, there's no "Me" and contributors need to understand that hot dogging and show boating have no place in our game. Sisyphus was unable to act like he'd been there before and couldn't handle the siren song of fame. His "I blog when I want to" attitude had alienated teammates and pretty much destroyed unit cohesion. Line morale at the Nihilist in Golf Pants office had hit rock bottom and I don't blame The Nihilist for shipping him off to a blog hopelessly lost in the linking wilderness.

One hopes that this might be a wake up call for Sisyphus and a last chance to salvage whatever remains of his once promising blogging career. One fears that this will merely be another stop in a series of rejections and failures till he's spit out the bottom of the porn industry. Either way, NIGP will not only survive but thrive in his absence. Here are the Top 11 reasons why:

11. Don't have to listen to Sisyphus refer to himself in the third person. "Sisyphus had a great Top 11 list today. You know...Sisyphus is pretty sweet on you."

10. The gag order on posts about the secret conspiracy of the traffic control industry can now be lifted.

9. His departure frees up a lot of room under the salary cap.

8. Without getting into a lot of personal details, let's just say that our legal expenses will be greatly reduced.

7. No more annoying "OC" chatter around the water cooler.

6. Those losers at Frat Boy Liver Sausage (good one T-Paw) are taken down a peg in the rankings.

5. No more elitist posts about artists and art that no one has ever heard of.

4. Graphics! Sweet, life-affirming graphics.

3. No more obscure, inside-baseball references to particle physics.

2. Meetings won't be interrupted by vulgar outbursts and "woo-wooing" by members of Sisyphus' posse.

1. Finally, the real comedic genius of The Nihilist will be able to emerge from the shadows.


You may have noticed that there is a new member on the contributor list, and another Nihilist. The fellow referred to as the Nihilist in Assless Chaps (his name will soon change) is none other than the former Art Director of the Kool Aid Report (aka Notorious B.I.L., aka V-Toed Bill, aka Nihilist Wannabee).

In the absence of Sisyphus, Bill will be joining the team as Art VP. And big changes are in store. Those who have been with NIGP from the early days know that the graphics ban was Sisyphus' doing. It was grudgingly lifted, but soon you will see wonderful new graphics, courtesy of Bill. The new header to be unveiled is actually a tribute to Sisyphus, as it is an exact replication of the west wall of his bedroom. Imagine waking to the morning sun hitting these images (once we get them up). He once suggested that they are what gives his life meaning.

Since Bill has dealt a blow to the despotic, yet amusing Learned Foot (yes, I am saying you amuse me like some sort of clown) by leaving KAR to provide his talent to us, I am pleased to declare our war over and restore KAR to the top spot on the Nihilist's top 11 blogs. Also, I have cleared out the deadwood of two chick blogs that basically said sayonara to posting. They will be replaced with SCSU Scholars, which has really improved its quality in the past week or so and Planet Socks, a web site dedicated to mocking reality TV, especially "The Real World". What is it about the ladies of the MOB that makes so many of them give up on their blogs? The only worse group for quitting would be funny page cartoonists. Bloom County, Calvin & Hobbs, and The Far Side all quit way before their time, yet we can't get rid of Doonesbury. But I digress.

Despite these changes, we will still bring the best in popular culture commentary, song parodies, and of course top 11 lists. In fact, here is one inspired by the title of this post:

Top 11 Rock Tunes Featuring Drugged Up Stuttering Vocals
11. Changes - David Bowie

10. You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet - Bachman Turner Overdrive

9. Birthday - The Beatles

8. Barbara Ann - The Beach Boys

7. My Sharona - The Knack

6. Bennie And The Jets - Elton John

5. Jimmy Jazz - The Clash

4. Bad To The Bone - George Thorogood

3. Back In The USSR - The Beatles

2. Psycho Killer - The Talking Heads

1. My Generation - The Who

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Treat Me Nice

Here is a list of all the stories on a Google search for "Jill Carroll" & "Treated Well." Note that ABC News mentioned in their title that Ms. Carroll said she was treated well. Virtually every media outlet included that specific statement in the body of the story.

Here is a Wikipedia summary of her captivity. Highlights include a forcible kidnapping at gunpoint that included the execution of her interpreter, more than ten weeks of captivity, and the recording of four propaganda videos featuring her as a prop including one where she was crying.

Yet the big news story is that she was treated well. I would have preferred to see these other quotes in the ABC News headline:

Carroll states that she participated in the video critical of the United States and praiseworthy of her abductors only because she feared for her life and because her captors said they would let her go if she participated to their satisfaction.

Carroll calls her captors "criminals, at best" and says she remains "deeply angry" with them.

I wonder how ABC News would have evaluated the treatment of Ms. Carroll if such activity had occurred in US custody? Say at Abu Ghurab?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

We Shall Fight Him In Cyberspace. . .

It's been a tough day or so at NIGP. This morning, the KAR guys set up an elaborite April Fool's prank mocking this site. I guess that when you're the #2 humor site in the state you target #1. Anyway, while their parody is somewhat amusing, it is a little over the top and ends up looking ridiculous. The result is that our feud has blossomed into all-out war. Meanwhile, Kevin Ecker has ignored Sisyphus' countless (well, three) snubs and is actively advising him to turn against me. Unfortunately, like the Brits in 1941, my resources are depleted and I've lost a few allies.

  • Yesterday Sisyiphus turned on me and presented the Winter Rock Solid award to Learned Foot against my wishes. I don't know if it was an attempt to make peace, but it was unsanctioned and Sisyphus has been put on administrative leave.
  • JB is attending to a rather important personal matter as we speak and cannot be expected to post.
  • The rest of the crew are attending to their major media gig and can only be counted on for perfunctory support.

In order to maintain the high quality standards of this blog, I need help quick. Unlike Kennedy Versus The Machine, I am not putting a call out to just anyone. I have contacted one of the MOB's premeire bloggers who is fully aware of Learned Foot's atrocities, and am in the process of attempting to bring him in. While I cannot name him until talks firm up, I believe I have a great chance of landing him shortly. As a sign of good faith, he presented me with this live action shot of the goings on at the KAR.

More updates later.

And That Foot Is Me

Sisyphus has been placed upon double secret probation until future notice. We at NIGP will conduct a Bud Selig-like investigation into his anti-Nihilist activities and will render judgment shortly. Penalties range from doing nothing at all up to firing. We ask for your prayers as we decide Sisyphus' fate.