Monday, October 31, 2005

Top 11 Nicknames For Judge Alito That Would Be Even Scarier Than “Scalito” To Liberals

11. Rovalito
10. Halliburtito
9. Profito
8. Onlyfiftyfivalito
7. Learned Footito
6. Bloodforalito
5. Repealroevswalito
4. Originalito
3. Pope Benedicito
2. Fillibusterproofalito
1. Thomasalito

Top 11 Nicknames For Judge Alito That Would Have Made Liberals Feel Better

11. Souterlito
9. Chiracito
8. Sopranito
7. Brennanito
6. Elito
5. Harrietito
4. Itoalito
3. Roelito
2. Noballsalito
1. Fitzito

If It's Free Then He's Not Stealing It

Sisyphus' separated at birth from Friday October 7, 2005 and Aaron McGruder's Sunday October 30, 2005 comic strip "The Boondocks." The likenesses of Harriet Miers & Emporer Palpatine are identical. Coincidence, I think not.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Wreck of the Miers Nomination

This is our third parody of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”. Does anyone know what the record is?

The legend lives on from the Founders on down
Of the high court they called ‘the SCO-TUS’
The court it was said, was a co-equal branch
Until the Warren Court stuck it to us.

That court was filled with only bad activist judges more
Than the Marshall and Jay courts together.
And now we could use an originalist
Who believes in a dead constitution.

George Bush was the pride of the Republican side
Coming off his big win over Kerry
As good judges go; Bush picked better than most
More than a few lefties went ballistic.
Making some deals for some appellate judges
The filibusters were finally broken
And later that year when Chief Rehnquist passed
Yes it’s John Roberts he’s nominatin’!

The Democrats on the committee whined
But smilin’ John gave them no ammo
And every man knew, as Pat Leahy did too,
That special circumstances was a no.
The O’Connor seat was the next to be filled
The center-right felt it had mojo.
Then Monday came and Bush put out the name
Of his personal lawyer and crony.

When the news hit the wires, everyone asked “Harriet who?”
She wasn’t on anyone’s short list.
Then conservative blogs looked at what she once said
And found that the vettin’ had missed it.
The calls came in for the withdrawal of her name
The nomination was in deep peril.
And when the Senate visits failed to turn the tide
Came the wreck of the Miers nomination.

Does anyone know where the Corner’s love goes
When the barbs turn sharper and colder?
The pundits all say she might’ve had it made
If she’d aimed for the Court of Appeals.
Bush might have picked Brown or he might have picked Jones;
Named Luttig or pegged Alito.
And if all of those judges had turned the job down
Why not a brilliant Power Line lawyer?

Confirm Them moans, Instapundit stings
Hugh Hewitt was a lonely defender.
The High Court remains an ivy league dream;
The low courts are for SMU grads.
The Texas bar is an impressive job
Running a large firm is a challenge,
And White House Council is a pretty good gig
But we want more from a High Court Justice.

During the campaign George Bush promised to name
A justice like Scalia or Thomas.
But conservatives will never forget
That his father had picked David Souter.
The legend lives on from the Founders on down
Of the high court they called ‘the SCO-TUS’
The court it was said, was a co-equal branch
Until the Warren Court stuck it to us.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Are You Ready For An Ultimatum?

About now I am 20-22 on my picks and 0-14 on parlays. If I don't get to .500 this week I'm going to give some serious thought to retiring this bit. The Irish are off this week, making it tough as they are 6-1 versus the spread this year. As always, the spread is per USA Today's Opening Line. Here goes:

Oklahoma +1 @ Nebraska
Brigham Young -5 1/2 v. Air Force
Stanford +7 1/2 v. UCLA

Titans +2 v. Raiders
Browns +2 @ Texans
Bengals -8 v. Packers

Friday, October 28, 2005

Top 11 Ways St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly Can Turn Around His Dismal Re-Election Poll Numbers Vs. Chris Coleman

11. Take out newspaper ads making it clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
10. Put up billboards that make it clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
9. Take out radio ads making it clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
8. Take out TV ads making it clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
7. Take out newspaper ads making it really super duper clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
6. Put up billboards that make it very mega-clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
5. Take out radio ads making it absolutely unequivocally crystal clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
4. Take out TV ads making it super-double-dog clear that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
3. Take out radio ads making it clearer than the nose on your face that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
2. Take out TV ads that leave no room for any possible doubt, reasonable or otherwise, that Nick Coleman and Laura Billings will NOT stop writing their columns if brother Chris is elected mayor.
1. Change your name to Paul Wellstone

Top 11 Lies (Sources Tell NIGP) that Scooter Libby Told to the Grand Jury

This morning all of the Kos Kids rushed down to the Fitzmas tree and tore open their presents – to find only the head of Scooter Libby. Thousands of little voices rose up in unison: “Is that all? I was a good Kos Kid all year. I asked for the Rove head!”

Be grateful for what you’ve gotten, you little ingrates. Sources have leaked to NIGP the top 11 lies Scooter Libby told to the grand jury:

11. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Judith Miller.”
10. “The word ‘is’ can really have multiple meanings.”
9. “I’m convinced that the nomination of Harriet Miers will unite the Republican base.”
8. “Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame are great public servants who have no political agenda whatsoever.”
7. “Sure I was on the Vikings Sex Cruise, but I was on the good boat.”
6. “ ‘Scooter’ is too a good nickname for an adult.”
5. “Congratulations on the fact that no illegal leaks have come from this grand jury investigation.”
4. “You’re damn right I could beat the crap out of Al Franken.”
3. “I’m the real brains behind the operation. Karl Rove is overrated.”
2. “I was runner-up the year JFK Jr. was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”
1. “The Vikings can still win the NFC North.”

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Top 11 People Al Franken is Convinced He Could Beat-Up if He Wanted To

11. George W. Bush
10. A. J. Pierzynski
9. Muhammad Ali
8. The Rock
7. George H. W. Bush
6. Todd Bertuzzi
5. Scooter Libby
4. Jenna Bush
3. That kid who used to pick on him in junior high
2. Rush Limbaugh
1. Batman

Das Ist Nicht Mein Siegfried

According to court TV, one of Siegfried and Roy's former bodyguards is suing for wrongful termination and talking trash about Siegfried:

Suit: Siegfried taunts, torments, humiliates his magician partner Roy
The bodyguard who once protected tiger tamer Roy Horn of the Siegfried & Roy magic duo claims that Siegfried Fischbacher is a "tyrant" who overmedicates and humiliates the ailing Horn, who is still recovering from a tiger-mauling incident.

I ask you, does Siegfried seem like the type of person who would taunt, torment and humiliate a defenseless animal?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Top 11 Innocent Explanations for that $150,000 in George Galloway’s Wife’s Account

11. Mrs. G. happens to make a very nutritious hotdish that Iraqis just couldn’t get enough of.
10. Tom DeLay asked her to hold the money “until the heat is off”.
9. All of the money came from placing bets using Learned Foot’s football picks.
8. Asked himself “What Would Wellstone Do?” and the answer he came up with was “stash money earmarked for humanitarian aid in wife’s bank account”.
7. They’ve been saving up to buy 12,254 copies of “Mommy Knows Worst: Highlights from the Golden Age of Bad Parenting Advice” by James Lileks
6. Profits from sale of Halliburton stock
6. Hillary gave some tips on cattle futures.
4. There is actually only have $150 in the account; they accidentally hired a former Enron accountant.
3. Didn’t normally believe in Blood for Oil, but was willing to make an exception if the blood was from anti-Saddam Iraqis.
2. The money was for a “Make Love, Not War” cruise on Lake Minnetonka.
1. Hey, where do you expect him to get that kind of money, out of Castro?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Why Blogs Should Not Allow Comments

11. Eva Young

10. It takes time to monitor your comments. Time that could be better spent writing about Michele Bachmann.

9. Eva Young

8. Comment spam

7. Eva Young

6. Trolls

5. Dementee

4. Most comments are nothing more than shameless plugs to try to get you to read another blog.

3. Eva Young

2. Legal liability.

1. Eva Young

RIP Rosa Parks

This is the second installment of our RIP series that began with RIP ODB. On Monday, Rosa Parks died. You have to respect someone who wasn't afraid to stand up to the injustices of power, be they from Governor George Wallace or Andre 3000. Rest in peace Rosa.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Our Position on Harriet Miers

Other blogs are stating unequivocally their position on Harriet Miers, so we at NIGP will do the same:

Although we are impressed by her bar experience, we believe that she is totally unqualified to serve on Vikings sex cruises. I know that this comes as no surprise to our regular readers, but we wanted to make our position clear.

Top 9 Actions Performed By George W. Bush that Hugh Hewitt Wouldn’t Support (Maybe)

9. Nominating Art Modell to the Supreme Court
8. Federal probe into "The Smart Guys" over deceptive advertising practices
7. Declaring "war" on crunchy orange snack foods
6. Signing into law a bill making it a federal offense to assault trees with snowmobiles.
5. FCC regulation limiting radio talk show hosts to no more than four weeks vacation a year.
4. Prescription drug benefit extended to minimum wage earning radio call screeners
3. Giving Hugh the nickname "Nip".
2. Minimum competency standards for state Hockey Commissioners and state Sommeliers.
1. National ban on BB guns because "you'll shoot your eye out"

Top 11 Quotes You Won't Hear After the Vikings Improbable Victory Over The Packers

The Vikes pulled off a spirited comeback victory against the Packers. Here's some quotes you will not see as a result:

11 - Metrodome Beer Vendors - "Sales were sure slow today. Damned puritanical Wisconsonians!"

10. George Will - "That Vikings game was far more entertaining than the World Series."

9. Paul Edinger - "I felt no pressure. I consistently make important kicks."

8. John Madden - "The Packers could have won if Brett Favre had made better second half decisions!"

7. Zygi Wilf - "What a great victory. Mike Tice, I'm extending your contract!"

6. Mike Tice - "Boy did we get lucky. We actually were able to overcome my coaching incompetence. I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground!"

5. Obnoxious Packer Guy and all other Packer fans- "Congratulations to the Vikings on a game well played!"

4. Dante Culpepper - "I only wish Randy Moss could be here to enjoy this moment."

3. Brett Favre - "Sure the loss is disappointing, but football is only one aspect of my life. What of art? What of literature? What of education? I prefer the intellectual pursuits to the pedestrian pursuit of a football victory."

2. Triumph the Comic Insult Dog and injured Packer Running Back Najeh Davenport (said coincidentally) - "That was a really great football game . . . for me to poop on!"

1. Fred Smoot - "Let's celebrate. I'll line up a boat and some hookers!"

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Great TV Wasn't Built In One Day

Say what you want about James Lileks (and we do), but the man knows his TV. From the beginning, Lileks has raved about HBO's Rome and he is quite right. The show is fabulous. It details the historical storyline of how Julius Caesar won the civil war against Pompey circa 50 B.C. Meanwhile, there is a fictionallized account of two warriors in Caesar's army, which provides insight into what life was like for the citizens outside of the ruling class.

The most interesting thing about Rome are the little 5 minute videos that HBO prepares with Executive Producer Bruno Heller and Historical Consultant Johnathan Stamp. Stamp basically explains all of the anachronisms and inaccuracies of the show, then Heller provides excuses. An example from episode 3:

Stamp points out:
  • Caesar wouldn't have ridden at the front of his army
  • Romans didn't use saddles and stirrups on their horses
  • The two soldiers actually existed but their storylines are fictional

Heller responds:

  • There wouldn't be a camera angle unless Caesar rode in front
  • The insurance risk to the production company would have been greater without stirrups and saddles
  • The fictionalized accounts of the soldiers allows insight into the everyday life of Romans

Don't take Rome as pure history, there are inaccuracies and conjecture involved. However, the history of the civil war is mostly correct and it makes for fascinating television. It is especially interesting to speculate on what the most powerful ruler in the history of the world would have been like as a teenage boy. Octavian, who later took the name Augustus Caesar, plays a prominent role as Julius Caesar's grand nephew and heir. After Caesar's death he fought a civil war, consolidated his power and ruled the western world for over forty years.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Top 11 Dead Iconoclastic Heroes of the Left

11. John Lennon

10. Rosa Luxemburg

9. Malcolm X

8. Joe Hill (they keep seeing his ghost)

7. Bob Marley

6. Leon Trotsky

5. Salvador Allende

4. Tupac Shakur

3. The Rosenbergs

2. Che Guevara

1. Paul Wellstone

Friday, October 21, 2005

Are You Ready For The Same Old Hackneyed Bit?

Well, last week I went 4-2 with one team spoiling each parlay. This brings my record to 17-19, with a stunning 0-12 in parlays. Some notable items:
  • Despite a stunning last-second loss to USC, it looks like Notre Dame is back among the football elite. The Irish covered, getting 12 points. My bold prediction: in the remainder of the Charlie Weis era, the Irish will never be twelve-point dogs again. Since the Irish will be prohibitive favorites for most of their remaining games, I will eschew including them, as I refuse to lay close to twenty points. For the record, I believe that Saturdays matchup with Brigham Young will decide once and for all which is the true religion, Catholicism or Mormonism.
  • Tyrone Willingham, the mediocre coaching protege of Dennis Green, led his team to three consecutive 31-point losses to USC in his three years as head coach at Notre Dame. Tomorrow, his Washington Huskies face USC. The line: Trojans -30 1/2.
  • My laziness in posting this bit means it's going up as the Chiefs/Dolphins game enters the fourth quarter. I would have taken the Chiefs and the 1 1/2 points, but sportsmanship dictates that I find another game to include, since the Chiefs are now up by seventeen points.
  • Learned Foot is proving to be a far better prognosticator than I am, especially since I have the luxury of choosing my own games and the Foot is stuck with whatever King Banaian tosses his way. However, he is dead wrong about Spinach Gratin, a truly yummy dish.

OK, lets go to this weeks games, courtesy of USA Today's opening line:

Wisconsin -7 1/2 v. Purdue
Louisiana State -6 1/2 v. Auburn
California -11 v. Washington State

Broncos +2 @ Giants
Rams -3 v. Saints
Titans +3 @ Cardinals

Without A Doubt The Worst Top 11 List Ever

Some insensitive anonymous commenter labeled my previous top 11 list (Top 11 Ways to Improve Minnesota’s Hooker Ranking) as the worst top 11 list ever. Needless to say, this crushed my self-esteem. I don’t think I could handle this on a regular basis, so I’ve decided to come up with a top 11 list so bad that no future top 11 list could possibly be labeled worse:

11. No, you’re Shmoopy!
10. Fairbanks, Alaska
9. Belgrave Square hooligans
8. Sun Dogs
7. Quahog-Miered
6. Babs Springsteen
5. No, that’s not how you Lewinsky a cigar
4. Guinness Light – rice brewed!
3. Finn
2. Godfather IV
1. Janeane Garafalo

You're Trying Way Too Hard

From today's Powerline:

Muddy (Waters) and the gang take it to the limit on that one, a glorious moment in the history of Western civilization.

A what? A good song. An interesting recording. A glorious moment in the history of Western civilization? God help us.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Gretzky's a Bitch

Some yahoo in Oklahoma requested that his sentence be increased from 30 to 33 years, so it would match the number that Larry Bird wore during the Boston Celtics dynasty of the 1980's.

I think that tying criminals sentences to their favorite atheletes' numbers is a great idea. Could it be that this sentencing format has been used before? Was Martha Stewart a big fan of Eddie Gaedel?

Just in case, if I am ever convicted of a crime, remember that I too am a fan of the 1980's era Celtics. Although unlike the Okie moron, I am partial to center Robert Parrish.

Top 11 Ways to Improve Minnesota’s Hooker Ranking

I think all Minnesotans were embarrassed that the Minnesota Vikings sex cruisers felt it necessary to import hookers from out of state. But we can improve our hooker ranking, here are the top 11 ways:

11. Institute a hooker exchange program with France.

10. Better pimp training in local High Schools.

9. Bribe Julia Roberts and Richard Gere to set Pretty Woman II in Minnesota.

8. Add a state run brothel to the proposed state run casino.

7. Recognize our best prostitutes through a “Sex Worker of the Month” awards program.

6. Increase global warming so that the hookers won’t get so cold in their skimpy outfits.

5. Exempt big floppy pimp hats from the state sales tax.

4. Have the Governor name Hugh Hewitt Minnesota’s Master of the Whores.

3. Convince Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant to move to Minnesota.

2. A lawn sign campaign with the slogan “Proud to Pay for Better Hookers for Minnesota”.

1. Build a new professional sports stadium.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What He Does When He Isn't Busy Saving Mitch's Life

Rumor has it that Bruce Springsteen may headline a "Rock For Change II" tour, with proceeds funding uber-liberal candidates in the 2006 mid-term elections. We at NIGP have even acquired the lyrics to the tour's theme song, a remake of "Born to Run" with new words. May I present "Cut and Run":

Our troops slug it out in the middle east 'gainst insurgents and mujahideen
Who drive by Saddam's mansions of glory in suicide machines
The war's a quagmire just like Vietnam
There's no exit strategy
And we know it was based on a lie
The Terrorists strap the bombs to their back
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap
We gotta get out with our young
Cause wimps like us, maybe ought to cut and run

Frenchie, let me in, I want to be your friend
I support the UN's corrupt vision
We'll get on our knees and we'll give in
And we'll let you make all the decisions
The sanctions, they should not have stopped
The bombs shouldn't have dropped, if only we could take them back
John Kerry's the man we should have hired
'Cause baby I'm scared of this war monger guy
Who doesn't know at all how it feels
Why won't this war mongerin' guy
Why won't he listen to Cindy Sheehan?

By Saddam's palace, shoulder fired rockets scream down the boulevard
Reporters do their hair in the beauty parlors
While the carnage makes Rumsfeld hard
The Sunny triangle is bold and stark
Freedom cannot be worth this
Our boys are dying out there on the streets tonight
And the US deserved this

The VA's jammed with broken hero's from our failed Iraq drive
Meanwhile I'm criticizing their mission
and mocking their sacrifice
In the mid-terms, baby, we can end this sadness
and stop the madness, if we get congress control
Next November, that is when
We will vote in that place
And tell George Bush to go blow
And the war will be done
That is when wimps like us
Baby we'll cut and run!

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Better America Hater Won

I can occasionally be magnanimous in defeat. Although I campaigned hard for the Nobel Prize in Literature, I must admit that the better America hater won. While I dug up dirt on some of the other candidates, there was nothing I could do about Pinter. I mean, how can I compete with a guy who helped found the International Committee for the Defense of Slobodan Milosevic? The guy’s anti-America (not to mention anti-Bosnia) cred is unassailable.

I guess there’s always next year, although Pinter’s raised the bar pretty high. Not many of us have the guts to quit writing and hate the west full-time.

Top 11 New Marketing Slogans For Planned Parenthood

11. Screw all you want, we'll abort more.
10. Have it your way--who cares about the damn kid?
09. We try harder (to get minors to kill their babies).
08. Reach out and touch no one (the child that was in your womb).
07. A little jab will do ya.
06. It's every sin you can possibly commit.
05. Death...what a beautiful choice.
04. At $247, quite possibly the best bargain in contract murder going.
03. No taste. Less filling.
02. The one place to have an abortion when you're going to be having more than one.
01. Planned Parenthood-when you absolutely, positively have to crush an infant's head and suck it's brains into a sink.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Not So Great Moments in Marketing

Last weekend was disastrous for Minnesota sports teams. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much better for the marketers plying their trade at the University of Minnesota hockey games this weekend. Here are two examples:

1. The StarTribune marketing department showed that it has no better grasp of human nature than the editorial department. Here was their promotion: two beach balls were tossed into the stands to be batted around while music played. Whoever had possession of the beach ball when the music stopped would win an iPod shuffle.

If you can’t predict what happened once the audience understood what was going on, you may be unemployable anywhere other than the StarTribune. The first person the ball came to wrapped his arms around it as if protecting a rebound. Someone yanked it away and ran up the stairs with several others giving chase (all the while deflating the beach ball to make it harder for the chasers to steal away). It was kind of amusing and no one seemed to have been hurt in the scramble, but I don’t think a scrum was what they had in mind. They didn’t run the promotion the next night; I guess they were back at the drawing board.

2. Pork is a sponsor of Gopher hockey this year. I like pork, so I kind of enjoy seeing “PORK” in big letters on the scoreboard. I also have no problem with the idea of a “Kids Cam” that shows cute kids on the scoreboard during breaks in the action. But, combining the two with a caption that says “PORK Kids Cam” just puts off too much of a Michael Jackson vibe for my taste.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Top 11 Best/Worst Hooker States

One of the most embarrassing aspects of the Vikings Sex Cruise is that the players felt it necessary to import hookers form Georgia and Texas. This has led many to wonder: “which state, in fact, has the best hookers?” Well we here at NIGP have the answer. Here are the top 11 hooker states:
11. Vermont
10. Washington
9. South Carolina
8. Alaska
7. California
6. Colorado
5. Arizona
4. Texas
3. Arkansas
2. Georgia
1. Nevada

Although Minnesota’s whores have been seriously dissed, they are not quite the worst in the nation. Here is a list of the worst 11 states for hookers:
11. Maine
10. Kansas
9. Mississippi
8. Michigan
7. Iowa
6. Minnesota
5. Oklahoma
4. Idaho
3. Wisconsin
2. West Virginia
1. Utah

UPDATE: Since there seems to be interest (Joey at least) here is the entire list.
1 Nevada
2 Georgia
3 Arkansas
4 Texas
5 Arizona
6 Colorado
7 California
8 Alaska
9 South Carolina
10 Washington
11 Vermont

12 Louisiana *
13 Florida
14 Rhode Island
15 Illinois
16 Missouri
17 Maryland
18 New York
19 Tennessee
20 Connecticut
21 Oregon
22 Virginia
23 North Carolina
24 Montana
25 Kentucky
26 Hawaii
27 Indiana
28 Delaware
29 Nebraska
30 New Hampshire
31 Massachusetts
32 Alabama
33 New Mexico
34 Ohio
35 South Dakota
36 Pennsylvania
37 North Dakota
38 Wyoming
39 New Jersey

40 Maine
41 Kansas
42 Mississippi
43 Michigan
44 Iowa
45 Minnesota
46 Oklahoma
47 Idaho
48 Wisconsin
49 West Virginia
50 Utah

* Louisiana fell to 12 from 4 in the wake of Hurricane Katrina

Friday, October 14, 2005

Are You Ready To See Notre Dame Return to Glory

OK, last week I went 2-4 to move my record to 13-17. This is a new week, and my Irish team faces the #1 ranked USC Trojans. A win this week would be the biggest moment in Notre Dame football in twelve years. That itch needs to be scratched. If the Trojans, winners of 27 straight, can't stop the Irish, then I must elevate ND Nation to the #1 spot, regardless of the loyalty pledge signed by Nihilist Wannabee Bill. Here are my picks for this weekend (from USA Today's opening line), followed by a beautiful poem:

Notre Dame + 12 v. Southern Cal
Penn State + 3 1/2 @ Michigan
Arizona -5 v. Stanford

Falcolns -4 1/2 @ Saints
Bears -2 v. Sexual Deviants
Chargers -2 @ Raiders

Finally, the poem "Trojans," by C. P. Cavafy

Our efforts are those of the unfortunate;
our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
Somewhat we succeed; somewhat
we regain confidence; and we start
to have courage and high hopes.

But something always happens and stops us.
Achilles in the trench before us
emerges and with loud cries terrifies us.--

Our efforts are like those of the Trojans.
We believe that with resolution and daring
we will alter the blows of destiny,
and we stand outside to do battle.

But when the great crisis comes,
our daring and our resolution vanish;
our soul is agitated, paralyzed;
and we run around the walls
seeking to save ourselves in flight.

Nevertheless, our fall is certain. Above,
on the walls, the mourning has already begun.
The memories and the sentiments of our days weep.
Bitterly Priam and Hecuba weep for us.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

On a Boat Where Ya Do What Ya Don't Confess

What would Gordon Lightfoot think of the exploits of our purple helmeted warriors? Here's a guess, to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

The legend lives on from the west side of town
Of the big lake they called Minnetonka
The Vikings, it's said, like to go and get head
When the bye in October comes early
Thursday at eight thirty four, twenty Vikings climbed on board
Two schooners from Al and Alma's.
That good ship's crew saw some boners in view
When the bye in October came early.

The Vikes, filled with pride from a mere one game slide
And last year's win 'gainst the team from Wisconsin
As the quarterbacks go, he was bigger than most
Though his hands were incredibly tiny
Fred Smoot came to terms, the secondary looked firm
For the first time since Griffith left for Cleveland
And Smootie that night brought some hookers to bang
What was inside his pants they'd been feelin'?

The waitress on board made a tattle-tale sound
As they offered her sex for the paying
And every man knew, as the captain did too,
That the Vikings would have no controlling.
The bartender was late and the drinks couldn't wait
So our 1-3 heroes helped themselves.
When the Vikings came it was hookers to blame.
The Falcolns didn't get such attention.

When hors d'oeuvres time came, the waitress came on deck sayin'.
Fellas, you're too rough to feed ya.
At Nine P.M. she still wouldn't cave in,
When they offered, "Let's have a go at-ya"
The captain wired in that the boat was comin' in
As the good ship and crew was in peril.
And later that night when the party lights went outta sight
Came a bunch of neighborhood urination.

Does any one know where the defense goes
Cincinnati controlled the ball for two hours
The pundits did say that the Super Bowl they'd play
And that was as recently as August.
If they had a good coach or still had Randy Moss;
They might have played ball, not sex on the water.
And all that remains of the season is shame
And their lies to their wives and their girlfriends.

The Bears suck, the Packers rejoice
In a lone victory over New Orleans.
And Detroit reeks like a big piece of sheet;
Yet with two wins they lead the division.
Indianapolis, you know, talks of the Super Bowl
Despite what's an off year for Manning
But the only way that the Vikings can score
Is if they throw a raunchy sex party.

In a musty old hall in Winter park they prayed,
As they waited for Mike Tice's firing.
The lawyers came by twenty-nine stood in line
For each Viking who behaved quite badly.
The legend lives on from the west side of town
Of the big lake they call Minnetonka.
The Vikings, it's said, like to go and get head
When the bye in October comes early.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Top 11 Reasons I Wasn’t Invited on the Vikings Cruise

11. Fred Smoot is still bitter over our Harriet Miers argument.

10. I oppose the addition of a tax-payer funded “Orgy Room” to the new stadium.

9. I tend to bogart the booze.

8. I insisted on inviting Randy Moss.

7. I did a “Najeh” in the closet during the last cruise.

6. I refused to live-blog.

5. I tend to bogart the hookers.

4. The Power Line guys have turned them against me.

3. Every time I see Daunte Culpepper I can’t resist making a “small hands” joke.

2. My deluxe version of the Original Wizzonator makes them feel inadequate.

1. They keep confusing me with the Nihilist.

Swelling With Purple Pride

The following is a joint MFB/Sisyphus project and is sung to the tune of Skol, Vikings!:

Score, Vikings! Let's nail this dame.

Score, Vikings! Sully your name.

Go get her pants down, then time to pound pound,

Bang 'em, screw 'em, tight, tight, tight, tight!

Score, Vikings! Whip out your junk; She’s passed out plastered drunk.

V-I-K-I-N-G-S! Score, Then pay the whore!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Welcome Arsenal Hooligans!

Last month, after having a bit stolen by Paul Mirengoff of Power Line, I retaliated by stealing his British Premier League Football bit. Little did I know that my first ever Soccer post would be linked by an Arsenal “The Herd” Hooligan chat site. Take that Power Line! I’ll bet you’ve never had a hooliganalanche! (Okay, you probably have.)

The line quoted was:
“Arsenal’s hooligans are known for their ability to get drunk quickly.” The Herd Hooligans correctly identified this as a compliment. Some (Australians, Canadians, Wisconsinites) see it as a virtue to be able to drink a lot without getting drunk. This is a ridiculous view. If your goal is to become inebriated, why would you want to waste time and money on the journey?

Anyway, welcome to The Herd. Look around and consider bookmarking us. While you’re visiting the American blogosphere, be sure to check out the drinking posts over at Fraters Libertas. Stay away from Power Line; they don’t know football (American or British) or drinking.

The Biggest Loser?

I watched about five minutes of NBC's "The Biggest Loser." I was surprised to see comedian Caroline Rhea on the show. Apparently she is the host, but she looks more like a contestant.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Arnie Carlson Would Be Proud

Rightie bloggers are always so rabid in their hatred of the Minneapolis StarTribune that we often forget to bash the other main bastion of local liberalism, the tax-wasting University of Minnesota. Oh sure, we're willing to get riled when the 25,000 who regularly attend Gopher football demand $350 million for a new stadium so they can see their team play Louisiana Lafayette in style. However, there just isn't enough criticism of the culture of mediocrity that makes the U an abhorrent educational institution.

However, someone is paying attention. Our local university recently won a prestigious award called the Ig Nobel Prize. Surprisingly, it wasn't the massively over-funded women's studies department, but a real science department that took the honors. The U's Chemistry department funded a study with your taxpayer dollars (Minnesota readers) worthy of an Ig Nobel. The winning entry: An experiment designed to prove whether people can swim faster or slower in syrup than in water.

Just in case you believe that this might be a real prize and not an insult, please note that the winner in the medicine category was a guy who invented fake dog testicles to improve the self-esteem of pups who had been neutered and the peace prize was granted to an experiment that monitored the brain activity of locusts as they viewed the Star Wars trilogy.

Awarding Me The Nobel Prize In Literature Would Hurt The Bush Administration

I realize that there are many fine candidates for the 2005 Nobel Prize in Literature, but there is only one whose win will send George W. Bush into hysterical fits of crying and gnashing of teeth. I am that candidate.

My controversial three part series detailing my experiences while incarcerated in Bush’s Gulag Guantanamo has been favorably compared to fellow (I hope) Nobel Laureate Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s “One day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich”. Solzhenitsyn has been credited with helping bring an end to the evil Soviet empire; my work will likely bring down the eviler Bush Empire.

I realize that I face an uphill battle going against the Bush-Blair machine. For example, I’m not even mentioned by a British gambling website that is taking action on the Literature Prize. I’m sure Blair has under his thumb.

The favorites listed on the site are all very strongly pro-Bush:

Syrian poet Adonis is currently the favorite at 6/4. You can tell that he has a huge ego just by his choice of “Adonis” as a pseudonym. It is probably this arrogance that led Paul Wolfowitz to base Bush’s Iraq policy on his poetry.

Next at 6 to 1 is Halliburton-Sweden executive Thomas Transtromer. Apparently Transtromer’s poems celebrating Texas and petroleum are quite moving, if you’re into that kind of thing.

At 7 to 1 is Joyce Carol Oates, or if you know her by her married name, Mrs. Karl Rove. Personally, I don’t believe the rumors that most of her work was actually ghost written by Bush speechwriters.

Will the Nobel Committee express its dissatisfaction with the policies of the Bush administration and award me the Prize or will it select one of the Bush toadies? We will soon find out.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Are You Ready to Hate Miami?

Last week I had my first parlay win in the bag. Two wins down and four minutes remaining , with Miami up 27-0 late in the 4th quarter. With about four minutes remaining, Central Florida scored to cut the lead to 20, a disastrous turn of events since I had Miami -20 1/2. However, the 'Caines marched down the field, into the red zone and let time expire as they held the ball on the 14 yard line! Burn in hell, Bernie Coker! The whole situation is especially maddening, since the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame easily covered despite being off my list.

Overall I am now 11-13 and a dismal 0-8 on my 3-team parlays (spread from USA Today's Opening Line). One thing I've learned, no more themes:

Michigan -8 v. Minnesota
Ohio State -3 @ Penn State
Cal + 1 1/2 @ UCLA

Titans +3 @ Texans
Ravens + 1 1/2 @ Lions
Browns -3 v. Bears

Friday, October 07, 2005

Top 11 Ways to Spell the Name Of Our Next Supreme Court Justice

11. Myers
10. Meyers
9. Meiers
8. Myerrs
7. Maeyers
6. Meyours
5. Miours
4. Myyeerrs
3. Mierrs
2. Miers
1. Learned Foot

What Must The In Laws Be Thinking?

Separated At Birth?

Suggested by a liberal friend who’s really enjoying this spectacle.
Harriet Miers and Emperor Palpatine

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Oh, Please! Oh, Please! Oh, Please!

Jimmy Carter’s son, Jack is considering running for the U. S. Senate in Nevada.

Dear God, we bloggers don’t ask you for much, please grant us this gift. Not only would a Jack Carter candidacy guarantee Ensign’s re-election, but it would give us the opportunity to recycle scores of Carter jokes.

There would be a downside, however. The temptation for me to move to Nevada so that I could vote against a Carter might become irresistible. While in Nevada I would likely lose millions betting on football. You Carters can’t help costing me money even when you lose elections!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Top 11 Qualifications That Make Harriet Miers Fit To Be A Justice On The Supreme Court

11. Founded the White House chapter of the Oprah Book Club

10. She's a good listener

9. Never wears white after Labor Day

8. Gives a great belly rub according to Barney

7. Rarely makes an unsound vulnerable preempt when playing bridge

6. Makes a mean Apple Brown Betty

5. Not burdened by high expectations or outstanding credentials

4. Once helped a Boy Scout across the street

3. Owns the entire Judge Judy DVD collection

2. Jesus is just alright with her

1. 23 pair of XX chromosomes


TO: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
FROM: You Know Who
SUBJECT: Everything is going according to plan

My Dear Neocon Minions,
Settle, my minions, settle. Things are still going according to plan. I’m beginning to think I would be better off with those meddling Kos Kids. No, no, of course not, but must I lay everything out for you? When have I ever done you wrong?

You complained about the anti-war movement gaining momentum. I gave you Cindy Sheehan to discredit it.

You complained of the blue voters in New Orleans costing us a Senate seat and Governorship in a Red state. I spread those blue voters harmlessly across the south.

You complained that Howard Dean was being quiet and that the Democrats weren’t doing anything blatantly, stupidly partisan. I gave you the great indicter, Ronnie Earle.

You complained that Halliburton did not make you enough money in the first term. I gave you a 58% increase since the beginning of the second term.

You complained of liberals on the Supreme Court. I gave you Chief Justice John Roberts.

Now you complain of Harriet Miers? Could it be that only Hugh Hewitt sees my master plan? You say she’s another Souter? I say: EXACTLY! Bwah ha ha ha! Bwah ha ha ha! Oh, don’t tell me you don’t see it! It is my true masterpiece – the culmination of years of evil conniving! Ahhh, very well, if I must, I will spell it out for you.

Heh, heh, heh, heh. The Democrats have no idea that soon the courts will be ours! We will have five votes to do our bidding. Heh, heh, heh, heh. You see, Miers will make Scalia look like Brennan. I’ve been grooming her for years – by the way, she’s 45, not 60 …Bwah, hah, hah, heh, heh.

But what is that you say? Even if Miers is a conservative, that only leaves four solid conservative votes? I beg to differ, let me count them out for you: Miers, Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and … SOUTER. That’s right, I’ve ordered Souter to vote like a lib for the last few years just to lull the Democrats into a false sense of security (we didn’t need his vote in Bush vs. Gore, but it would have been there if we had). And now, with Miers on the court it is time for Souter to “ungrow” in office. Heh, heh, heh. Good-bye Roe vs. Wade and the Warren Court precedents. Hello a living-and-breathing interpretation of the 22nd Amendment and a third term! Hello seven more years of mandatory no-bid contracts for Halliburton!

So, come in off the ledge and get with the program!

You will support Harriet Miers – and like it!


August Wilson's Got Nothing On Him

I am sad to inform you
But it must be said
The great entertainer
Nipsey Russell is dead

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

"Okay, there. Now get me my drink."

The guy will do damn near anything for a martini. He apparently didn't know the open bar was still open.

Why My Wedding Reception Cost $10k

Monday, October 03, 2005

Top 11 Songs That It's Acceptable For A Man To Well Up To

The other day, Mitch Berg listed some Bruce Springsteen songs that bring him to tears. That staff here at Nihilist In Golf Pants frowns on such displays of sentimentality, especially when they result from listening to the pseudo-populist babblings of The Boss. However, we do recognize that certain music can pack an evocative emotional punch. And so we offer The Top 11 Songs That It's Acceptable For A Man To Well Up To:

11. Copacabana (At the Copa)

10. The USMC Anthem

9. The Ballad Of The Green Berets

8. Flowers of the Forest

7. American Trilogy

6. The Star Spangled Banner

5. The Battle Hymn of the Republic (original version)

4. God Bless America

3. How Great Thou Art (at a funeral)

2. Taps

1. Amazing Grace

Top 11 TV Episodes We’ll Never See, Not in a Million Years

11. Real World: Austin
The housemates spend the entire episode in a surprisingly compelling discussion of Thomas Aquinas’ “Summa Theologica”.

10. Fox NFL Post-Game Show
Highlights of all four NFC North teams winning non-conference games.

9. Commander in Chief
President Geena Davis realizes that if it’s justifiable to go to war to save a single woman from Muslim oppression, then maybe it’s justifiable to go to war to liberate several million Islamic women.

8. Law and Order
D.A. Fred Thompson gets off his rear and tries an actual case himself.

7. The O. C.
Marissa Cooper realizes that Ryan will always be no good and decides to become the trophy wife of a mid-western blogger named Sisyphus.

6. Alias
Ben Affleck doesn’t make a guest appearance during sweeps.

5. Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry is approached by a major network to create a toned down version of his show that is clean enough to be aired on network television. He names the show “Seinfeld”.

4. According to Jim
Cheryl realizes that she’s hot enough to snag a better husband.

3. Joey
Joey takes up waterskiing and jumps over a tank containing a shark.

2. The West Wing
The public is so outraged at the election of another liberal Democrat to the fictitious presidency that millions march on the studio and install the M.A.W.B. Squad as dictators.

1. The Simpsons
Special guest voice Senator Robert Byrd convinces his childhood friend, Montgomery Burns, to open an abortion clinic in an African-American area of Springfield for the stated purpose of reducing crime in Springfield. However, their real motive is to obtain embryonic stem cells for their own personal use.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I’ve Never Been Prouder of Our Readers

I’ve had my differences with you, our readers, especially since becoming NIGP’s reader’s representative. But I must applaud your cynical reaction to the alleged Demi Moore – Ashton Kutcher marriage. Here are the results to our poll on your view of their marriage's longevity:

Less than five months – Dem & Ash are no Renee & Kenny: 43%
Less than 20 months – Dem & Ash are no Julia & Lyle: 34%
Three years – Demi will dump him when he hits the big 3-0: 14%
Five years – or about when Ash starts losing his hair: 6%
Less than 13 years – Dem & Ash are no Dem & Bruce: 0
‘Til death do they part – this is true love, you cynical SOBs: 3%

I suspect that the one person who voted ‘til death do they part was being sarcastic – kudos to you for being doubly cynical!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Top 11 Aluminum Anniversary Gifts

St. Kate, aka Cathy in the Wright asks for assistance from the blogosphere. Her tenth anniversary is coming up, and she needs a gift for her long suffering husband. The traditional tenth anniversary gift is aluminum, and St. Kate is nothing if not traditional. So, here are our top 11 aluminum anniversary gift suggestions for St. Kate:

11. A nice fence
10. A security door
9. An attaché case
8. Columns
7. An 8 oz. bottle
6. Coil
5. A gun case
4. Ingots
3. A subscription to Aluminum Now magazine
2. Commission an aluminum bust of yourself
1. A BBJ