Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Top 11 Reasons Texas Governor Rick Perry Shot A Coyote While Jogging

11. Was firing at some undocumented aliens and missed

10. Typical way for a Texan to start his day

9. Was late for a meeting so he didn't have time to wrassle it down and kill it with his bare hands like he usually does

8. Couldn't find any RINOs to shoot

7. Celebrating the Detroit Red Wings' Game 7 victory over the Phoenix Coyotes in the NHL playoffs

6. Wanted to prove he's more of a badass than Arizona Governor Jan Brewer

5. Didn't want the situation to escalate into a Jimmy Carter/Killer Swamp Rabbit incident

4. Hopped up on rage from attending a TEA Party and had to kill something

3. Feds have failed to protect Texas from coyotes, so he had to take state action

2. All part of his hilarious Dick Cheney impersonation

1. The coyote drew a cartoon that offended Perry

Friday, April 09, 2010

Top 11 New Nicknames For The University of North Dakota

Because any bit that's worth doing is worth doing again.

11. Genocidal Pioneers

10. Laconic Lutherans

9. Mild-mannered Norwegians

8. Ignorant White Dirt Farmers

7. Emotionally Reserved Ranchers

6. Oil Drillers

5. Frilly Pink Panty Waists

4. Earth, Wind & Fire

3. Brokeback Mountaineers

2. Electoral College Rounding Errors

1. Fighting Humans of No Particular Ethnicity

Monday, April 05, 2010

Top 11 Reasons Kal ‘Kumar” Penn is Leaving the Obama Administration

11. Has a great movie idea: “Harold and Kumar are Called the N-word by Tea Party Protesters”

10. Ticked off that Michelle Obama removed the "special herb" he was trying to grow in the White House garden

9. White House writers came up with a story line where the associate director of public engagement commits suicide

8. Tired of Joe Biden asking him for a Big Gulp

7. No one would laugh when he said he was the associate director of pubic engagement

6. His proposal for a White House Easter Joint Roll was rejected

5. Resigned in protest over the lack of free medical marijuana in the health bill

4. Tired of being called "Spicolli" by confused White House staffers

3. Was always hungry and had difficulty concentrating on his work

3. Refused assignment to march through Tea Party rallies in hopes of being called "macaca"

2. Bigger than expected difference between overpaid government jobs and obscenely overpaid acting jobs

1. Rahm Emmanuel kept “harshing his mellow”

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Top 11 Lines Karl Rove Uses to Pick Up the Hollywood Actresses He Appears With On Talk Shows

The odd thing about Karl Rove’s recent book tour is seeing Mr. Rove on talk shows flirting with Hollywood actresses. That led us to wonder just what pick up lines would work best for him.

Top 11 Lines Karl Rove Uses to Pick Up the Hollywood Actresses He Appears With On Talk Shows

11. How would you like to be with PURE EVIL without having to sleep with Charlie Sheen?

10. Can you help me understand what all this "t*a bagg*ng" stuff is about?

9. How can I get you 51% convinced to sleep with me?

8. The UN has asked me to search you for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

7. If you come back to my place I'll show you my collection of 5000 uncounted Florida ballots for Al Gore.

6. I have an RNC expense account and I’m ready to par-tay!

5. I'd like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body

4. Any time I want to, I can have Dick Cheney shoot someone in the face

3. I could introduce you to John Hinderaker of Power Line

2. Scientists say that the only way to stop global warming is for you to sleep with me. Do you really want to take the chance that they’re wrong?

1. Having sex with me may be as close as you ever get to screwing George Bush.