Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Top 11 Tunes That Just Missed Inclusion In John J. Miller's Lists of Conservative Rock

John J. Miller has now posted two lists of his top 50 "conservative rock songs." The problem is many of the songs aren't conservative. Here are the top 11 entries that just missed the list.

11. Paradise By the Dashboard Light - Meat Loaf - It has a pro-abstinence message

10. Gimme Back My Bullets - Lynyrd Skynyrd - An anti-gun control anthem

9. Money - Pink Floyd - 'Cause all good conservatives love money

8. Heaven and Hell - Black Sabbath - Conservatives see things in absolutes

7. Brown Sugar - Pro-slavery or anti-drug? Either works for conservatives

6. Stairway to Heaven - A song about how to get to heaven? F*** yeah!

5. I'm All Right - Kenny Loggins - A positive, Reaganite Message

4. I Think I'm Going Bald - Rush - It may seem a stretch, but nearly every other Rush song is on the list and a possible inspiration for Mitch Berg's conservatism, could it have saved his life?

3. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple - Years ahead of its time, a protest of the smoking bans

2. Rock and Roll All Night - Kiss - It poses an alternative to crime for at-risk youth

1. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen - Just because it's a gay anthem doesn't mean it isn't conservative

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Incrementalism and Obesity

This might be a posting that's a bit too late, since the Twins stadium is a done deal.

One bit of logic presented in favor of the stadium was the small incremental nature of the tax. At 0.15% of sales, proponents like Star Tribune sports columnist Patrick Reusse were fond of arguing that the tax only amounted to three cents on $20. In essence, the tax was so small that no one would notice it.

Craig Westover correctly countered that it's the principle that matters, not the size of the tax. A government that imposes a small tax on its constituents for an unnecessary project will likely impose more and more taxes for questionable ends. Sure 3 cents on $20 is small, but the stadium tax will raise half a billion dollars, and that is not small. And next time government comes a-knocking, wanting more for something else, those proponents will remember that we financed "fun stuff" like stadiums.

A little tax here, a little tax there. The lack of government self-control reminds one of a gourmand. It's just a few french fries, just a scoop of ice cream, just another hot dog. However continuing this habit day after day, year after year, produces a slovenly obese government that eats up the productivity of its citizenry. A government that looks like . . . Patrick Reusse.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Top 11 Names Considered by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Before They Named Their Daughter “Shiloh”

11. Antietam

10. Tet

9. Battle of the Bulge

8. Pusan

7. Verdun

6. Vicksburg

5. Spotsylvania

4. Bull Run

3. Stalingrad

2. Iwo Jima

1. Paris

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Went to Namibia For The Birth Of Their Daughter, Shiloh Noeuvel Jolie-Pitt

11. Wanted their offspring to have all the advantages of an illegal alien in the United States

10. They were going to have the kid in Minneapolis, but were afraid of the rising crime rate

9. Thought most of the paparazzi would get confused and end up in Nairobi

8. Didn’t want the kid to have to wait to see the cool Namibian sand dunes

7. Since the life expectancy at birth in Namibia is 42.29 years, their daughter won't have to endure the slow deterioration of her looks for very long

6. The high incidence of AIDs in Namibia makes it less likely that Brad will cheat on Angelina while she’s giving birth

5. There wasn’t much they could do about Namibia’s lack of natural fresh water, but they could do something about their lack of celebrities

4. For some odd reason, Namibians seem to have actually enjoyed “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”

3. Wanted their child born in a country that had English as its official language

2. Namibians less likely to realize that they’ve named their kid after a bloody U. S. Civil War battle

1. They’re just nuts

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Electric Boogalo?

Youtube has previews for the movie "Clerks II." I have mixed feelings about the July release of this movie. The original "Clerks" is one of my favorite movies. It captured, albeit in a ridiculous way, the essence of a bad day for a kid in his early 20's. Dante, the hero, was working his dead end job as a clerk, had just had a fight with his girlfriend, just wanted to play hockey with his buddies.

Kevin Smith has done some good and some bad films since then, but "Clerks" was lightning in a bottle. I can only hope that this doesn't ruin the charm of the original for me.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Minneapolis is a Better Choice Than Cleveland For The 2008 Republican National Convention

11. All that confetti near the Cuyahoga River would create a serious fire hazard

10. The poor quality of Twin Cities hookers will help keep attendees on the straight and narrow

9. It just might push Al Franken and Garrison Keillor over the edge to have all those Republicans in town

8. The nominee will be attending the Minnesota State Fair anyway. Does Ohio even have a State Fair?

7. If the convention were held in Cleveland, the delegates would have to travel all the way to Pittsburg[h] to see a professional sports championship trophy

6. The Twin Cities has a statue of Mary Tyler Moore

5. In Cleveland, the delegates might accidentally blunder into that so-called Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

4. The Twin Cities has a bigger mall

3. Just think of the field day the press would have if the nominee got lost on the way to the stage like happened to Spinal Tap in Cleveland

2. Hennepin County Attorney Amy Klobuchar would likely botch Hugh Hewitt’s inevitable criminal damage to a tree prosecution

1. There is no way that the American people would put their faith in the judgment of a party that would hold its convention in Cleveland

Top 11 Things That Jesse Macbeth Also Claims To Have Done*

*In addition to slaughtering women and children in Iraq as a US Army Ranger

11. Taught Jack Bauer how to cut throats

10. Had a beer bought for him by the NIGP

9. Ate 50 eggs in one sitting

8. Humiliated and dumped Alanis Morissette about 10 years ago

7. Took Paris Hilton's virginity

6. Gave Howard Hughes a ride to Vegas in his pickup truck

5. Wrote "How Opah Metha Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life"

4. Invented the Internet

3. Killed Duncan to become king of Scotland

2. Foiled Hitler's attempt to steal the Ark of the Covenant

1. Received a lucky hat from a CIA guy when he went on a special mission in Cambodia

Moron Mail

So, Learned Foot has retired from blogging. This will be difficult time for all of us, but we will survive. The plus side is that all of his bits are now up for grabs.

Here is today’s moron mail from somebody named Ken Avidor of Minneapolis:

I've long enjoyed reading Lori Sturdevant.
I’ve never read her column myself. I’ll have to check it out sometime.

However, I did not enjoy reading her May 16 column, "DFLers in Sixth also back a 'family values' woman."
Uh oh, I guess maybe I should wait for her next column.

There are other issues in the Sixth District that voters care about -- it's just that the major media prefer to cover the right-wing "social agenda" instead of covering down-to-earth subjects like transportation, health care and education.
You are a moron. The voters who are uninterested in social issues can just disregard that information.

Michele Bachmann is a candidate with a legislative record that includes a lot more than "social issues." Why did she sponsor a bill to spend millions of taxpayers' dollars for "Personal Rapid Transit," which turned out to be a phony boondoggle?
Well, I guess I’m against spending millions of taxpayer dollars on phony boondoggles too.

Ask how she would vote in Congress on foreign policy, health care, housing and transportation.
I’ve got to admit that those are some good questions to ask a candidate for Congress.

The major media need to do a better job reporting on elections.
Hmmm, you make a good point about the media needing to do a better job reporting on elections. Maybe you’re not a complete moron after all, Mr. Avidor.

See, Learned Foot can enjoy his retirement knowing that moron mail is in good hands.

Top 11 Statements As Contradictory As Calling Oprah A "Hip And Materialistic Mother Theresa"

11. An honest and ethical politician from Louisiana

10. A helpful and patriotic Jimmy Carter

9. A cautious and motherly Britney Spears

8. A Rondell White who hits for average and power

7. A calm and rational Nick Coleman e-mail exchange

6. A sultry and sexy Helen Thomas

5. A thoughtful and well-reasoned Minneapolis StarTribune editorial

4. An uncharismatic and chaste Bill Clinton

3. A clutch, Super Bowl Champion Minnesota Vikings team

2. A wise and sober Ted Kennedy

1. A brief and frugal legislative session

Monday, May 22, 2006

Top 11 Explanations For the $90,000 Found In Democratic Congressman William Jefferson’s Freezer

The FBI has recovered $90,000 from the freezer of Democratic Congressman William Jefferson. Congressman Jefferson, who represents New Orleans, was allegedly to use the money to bribe a high-ranking Nigerian official. Since the “Culture of Corruption” applies only to Republicans, there must be an innocent explanation; here are the top 11:

11. Karl Rove planted it

10. Always heard about people having their assets frozen and wanted see what it was like

9. Was just holding it for Duke Cunningham

8. Had to keep his money in his freezer ever since Bush sent hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to destroy his wall safe

7. The Congressman hasn’t trusted the banking system ever since the Neil Bush S & L scandal

6. There were no WMDs in Iraq

5. All the cool Congressmen take bribes

4. Republicans like to persecute anyone with “William Jefferson” in their name

3. The cash was to be used in his own sting to expose a Nigerian official who had e-mailed the Congressman asking his help in illegally smuggling money out of Nigeria

2. Laundering money may be illegal, but there is no law against cooling it down a little

1. The money was perfectly legal – he made it smuggling not-yet-documented citizens across the border

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Top 11 Descriptions of Oprah

Ann Oldenburg recently wrote an article for USA Today questioning the divinity of Oprah Winfrey. Here are the top 11 descriptions of Oprah from people in this article:

11. "I am not God," - Oprah Winfrey

10. "Our culture is changing," he says, "as churches are in decline and the bulk of a new generation is growing up outside of religion." Instead, they're turning to the Church of Oprah. - Chris Altrock, minister of Highland Street Church of Christ in Memphis

9. "I wonder, has Oprah become America's pastor?" - Cathleen Falsani, religion writer for the Chicago Sun-Times

8. "What you have is something nobody can describe," - actor Jamie Foxx

7. "No one person should have that kind of power to affect markets, politics or anything else," -Debbie Schlussel, a lawyer, conservative columnist and blogger

6. "A sanctimonious bully," -media critic Robert Thompson on the PBS NewsHour with Jim Lehrer

5. "A self-righteous attack dog," - arts and culture critic Steven Winn in the San Francisco Chronicle

4. People who have no religion relate to her," - Marcia Nelson, author of The Gospel According to Oprah

3. "I think that if this were the equivalent of the Middle Ages and we were to fast-forward 1,200 years, scholars would definitely think that this Oprah person was a deity, if not a canonized being." - Claire Zulkey, 26, an Oprah follower who has written about Winfrey in her online blog at zulkey .com

2. "She puts the cult in pop culture," - media critic Mark Jurkowitz

1. "She's a really hip and materialistic Mother Teresa," - Kathryn Lofton, a professor at Reed College in Portland, Ore., who has written two papers analyzing the religious aspects of Winfrey

Saturday, May 20, 2006

You're In The Jungle, Baby

Verna Dobnik reports about the fistfight between Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose, but fails to tell us who won. I guess I'll have to pick up next week's issue of US Weekly.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Preakness Pick

Barbaro will be an even money favorite to win the Preakness Stakes tomorrow and may very well come out with a victory in the second leg of the Triple Crown.

However, I won't be on the bandwagon of people betting on Barbaro to win. My money is on Brother Derek, a solid champion that finished a disappointing fourth in the Kentucky Derby two weeks ago.

Why? Because Barbaro was too good in the Derby. He ran the race of his life and won easily. Many horses have a great race and take a step backward. Many bettors only remember the last race. I'm betting Barbaro takes a step backward.

Brother Derek, meanwhile is a consistent horse who finished poorly in the derby. Consider this, though. He had a terrible post position, fought traffic, lost a shoe and still finished fourth. With a narrowed field, he should make this a two horse race.

Sweetnorthernsaint was my derby pick and has the tools to compete at this level. However, he tired down the stretch of the derby and I have soured on him.

Exacta and trifecta bettors should give some consideration to Like Now. This horse could surprise and at an expected payout of 12-1 could turn a tiny exacta or trifecta bet into a whole lot of cash. I would remind you that my longshot special for the derby, Steppenwolfer finished third.

Bet with your head, not over it!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Another Place Sisyphus Might Be

My how time flies. It's been a year since the "Sex and So Much More" show opened up at the Minneapolis Convention center. Remember the minor stir when billboards sprung up around town?

This year I haven't seen any billboards, but the neighbor's 4th grader brought home a flyer from public school it in her backpack advertising it. Just kidding, she's really a 6th grader! It appears to be the same old show with a new name: "Sexpo International '06". I guess that means we're now importing our sex professionals. Must be Latin Americans, Africans and Asians, as I'm told Europe is having trouble keeping its population up. Featured speakers include several starters from the Minnesota Vikings, Paris Hilton and Bill Clinton. Damn, I already used that joke this week!

The show runs today through Sunday at the convention center. See all you perverts there.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

ESPN Ocho SportsCenter?

Sisyphus is still missing, so I guess it's up to me to update the blogosphere on the European football (soccer) championship, featuring NIGP's adopted team, Arsenal. Since most of our readers don't follow European football, I will translate using a metaphor that most of our local Minneapolis readers would understand. I have my metaphor in italics and what really happened in parentheses. Forgive me for using some dated references, but you should get the gist of the story.

In the Superbowl (European Champions League Finals) today, the Minnesota Vikings (Arsenal) faced the San Diego Chargers (Barcelona).

With the game tied 7-7 (0-0) in the first quarter (minute 18), Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper (Arsenal Goaltender Jens Lehmann) was ejected from the game (given a red card) for a viscous facemask (slapping the ankle) of an opponent who had just recovered his fumble deep in Vikings territory (deked him out in front of the goal).

With backup quarterback Brad Johnson (goalie Manuel Almunia) in, the Vikings (Gunners) were at a distinct disadvantage. Still, they were able to take a 14 point (1 goal) lead on two touchdown catches (a goal) by Travis Taylor (Sol Campbell).

In the second half Minnesota (Arsenal) tried to run out the clock with several series of two runs and an incomplete pass (typical soccer action). The lead held until midway through the fourth quarter (minute 76) when LaDanian Tomlinson (Samuel Ito) scored two touchdowns (a goal)to tie the game.

With two minutes (ten minutes) remaining, Keenan McCardell (Juliano Belletti) scored the game winning touchdown (goal), running past blown coverage.

The Vikings (Arsenal) couldn't muster any offense, and Fred Smoot (Henrik Larsson) took a cheap unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (yellow card) as the game drew near an end.

The final score was San Diego (Barcelona) 35 (2), Minnesota (Arsenal) 28 (1).

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Top 11 Things Preventing Sisyphus From Blogging

11. Stalking Phil Kessel

10. Followed Mary Katharine Ham to the Personal Democracy Forum

9. Vowed not to return until Rondell White's batting average is above .200

8. Burnt out from all the KAR open threads

7. Sleeping off a superhuman bender

6. Lobbying at Capitol for taxpayer rebuild of Mariucci arena

5. Resting on his laurels after getting award from City Pages

4. Fixing a traffic light in China

3. Ran off with commenter Michele Joy

2. Converted to Islam and has gone underground as member of a sleeper cell

1. Vowed his next post would be a joke about Patty Wetterling's take on an issue; unfortunately, he has to wait for her to develop one

Monday, May 15, 2006

Top 11 People Who Find It Impossible To Practice Abstinence

Today actress Naomi Watts was named to some UN AIDS position. She had a great quote in her introductory press conference:

Asked about the Bush administration's emphasis on abstinence rather than contraceptives in foreign aid, she said, "While it (abstinence) is probably the safest way to avoid it, it is impossible for certain people to practice it."

She's absolutely right. Here are the top 11 people who find it impossible to practice abstinence:

11. Snoop Dogg
10. Atomizer's 10th grade girlfriend (except when she was with Atomizer)
9. Ron Jeremy
8. Pamela Anderson
7. Wilmer Valderama
6. Tommy Lee
5. Sean Kemp
4. Kevin Federline
3. Hugh Heffner
2. Paris Hilton
1. Bill Clinton

Sunday, May 14, 2006

White Man's Burden

On Easter, I posted about the disappointment that was Rondell White. Today is Mother's day and White has turned things around somewhat. He is in the midst of a ten game hitting streak. It's quite a feat to have a ten game hitting streak in mid-May and still have an average well below the Mendoza line.

White is now hitting a robust .185.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Vox to JB: Grow A Pair

Vox Day chastises metrosexual JB Doubtless for watching American Idol.

I think the criticism is slightly harsh, although as someone who's argued for hours trying to convince JB of the lack of merit of the 98 Degrees or Mariah Caray, I can see how he needs to hear it.

It was over a year ago that I declared American Idol had jumped the shark. While it's still fun to watch the awful goofballs who think they can sing get put in their place, the show has little merit after the first couple of weeks. Consequently, I have only caught about 90 minutes of it over the last two months. However I have followed enough to construct a possible scenario on how things could play out. If the girl, Katharine McPhee, goes home this week, I predict she will grace the pages of Playboy Magazine within a year. If not she will make the final two and will attempt a music career.

The runners up on this show have a nasty habit of attempting to make it in the music business. Some meet success (Clay Aiken and possibly Bo Bice) and some don't (Justin Guarini and Diana DeGarmo). However, third place and deeper finishers are relegated to the ash heap of history, or to posing in Playboy in an attempt to extend their fifteen minutes of fame.

That prospect should give every guy something to cheer for this week and also probably explains the concern of so many when the mini-Vin Diesel guy got sent home last week.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Please Mr. President

We all know that George W. Bush had a machine at his disposal that allowed him to destroy New Orleans on a whim by controlling hurricane Katrina.

Please, Mr. President, make it stop raining on weekends here in Minnesota. I know you're probably bitter that we are continually liberal in our national voting, but we're getting better. Our governor and half of our congressional delegation is currently Republican.

And this rich, white Republican has had his golf game rained out too many times this year. So please turn the machine to the setting that will make the rain stop.

UPDATE: At 8 am this morning there was a light drizzle and the temperature was 40 degrees Fahrenheit. This proves that Bush is indeed worse than Hitler.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Top 11 Liberal Complaints About The Economy

11. Record level Dow Jones Index makes it hard to buy low

10. Low unemployment could trigger inflation

9. Teachers make less than NBA players

8. Gas taxes should be higher and gas prices should be lower

7. Not everyone is willing to pay for a better Minnesota

6. Women on maternity leave don't get equal pay for no work

5. President Bush probably doesn't know what a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread costs

4. Someone out there is still making more money than me

3. Although he's less scary than Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke is still pretty scary

2. Modern art is too expensive

1. The free market doesn't price all goods and services at exactly the level I think they should be, so we need to invoke government power to correct that error

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Top 11 Names For A New Gopher Football Stadium Acceptable To The DFL

11. The Brokeback Bowl

10. The Hallowed Ground of Wellstone (with dirt for the field shipped in from Eveleth)

9. The PogeDome

8. No Guns Allowed In This Stadium

7. AFSME Field

6. Tax 'n Spend Stadium

5. Unviable Tissue Mass Memorial Field

4. We Hate Lawyers In Paneled Offices Field

3. Sandy Stevens Stadium (sic)

2. Water Mondale's Political Career Memorial Field

1. Dangerous Lifestyle Memorial Stadium

Top 11 Other "Fun" Things The Minnesota Senate Can Buy With Taxpayer's Money

Now that the Minnesota Senate has voted that three new stadiums are more important than the children, here are some ideas of other "fun" things to toss taxpayer money at.

11. Tear down the new Guthrie Theater and rebuild it just for the hell of it

10. Lap dance for Larry Pogemiller

9. Provide signs for everyone in the state saying, "Willing to Pay for a Better Minnesota"

8. Purchase jack-boots for local law enforcement who enforce smoking bans

7. Rename every school in the state for Paul and Sheila Wellstone

6. Balloon bouquets for laid off Ford plant workers

5. Hire bloggers to write nice things about them ('cause you know we will if the price is right)

4. Bail out Air America

3. Day of beauty for Phyllis Kahn

2. Provide the entire City Pages staff with a week worth of Crystal Meth

1. Build a bonfire out of money big enough to get into the Guinness Book of World Records

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A Touch of Class VII – $1,000,000 For That?

Readers of my previous fine arts posts (for example, here) have no doubt noticed a pattern: all of the art I’ve highlighted has been quite old. The reason being that modern art tends to be over-priced crap. To prove my point, let’s take a look at some of the offerings from Christie’s Post War & Contemporary Art Evening Sale tonight at Rockefeller Center in New York.

For example, consider this untitled piece by Christopher Wool that is estimated to sell for between $1,000,000 and $1,500,000:

If my name happened to be Rund Ogea Tdog, I might consider paying $50 for it and hanging it on my front gate. (For $1,000,000 you could have at least come up with a name for it – I suggest Rund Ogea Tdog)

No modern art auction would be complete without a Warhol painting of a Campbell’s soup can and Christie’s has “Small Torn Campbell’s Soup Can (Pepper Pot)” estimated at $10,000,000 to $15,000,000:

The total value of all of Warhol’s Campbell’s soup can paintings has got to be astronomical. Whoever came up with the Campbell’s soup can design must have gone nuts. I assume it is the work of some anonymous graphic designer who maybe got a bonus of a couple hundred bucks and then had to sit and watch Warhol make millions off the design.

At least Warhol’s paintings look like something. Most modern art doesn’t even reach that level. For example, Basquiat’s “M” ($1,500,000 to $2,500,000) looks like the doodlimg of a troubled teenager:

And then there is “Tornado Warning” by Myles ($1,200,000 to $1,500,000) that looks like the work of a talented five year old:

Finally, there’s the genre of geometric shapes, like “Elements V” by Marden ($1,500,000 to $2,000,000):

New York City has got to be full of struggling artists going around saying: “My rectangles are just as rectangular as Marden’s. He makes millions a painting and I can’t sell a single one at $29.95”. Is it any wonder that contemporary artists are all a bunch of commies with no faith in the free market?

Christopher Wool’s Untitled sold for $1,080,000.
Andy Warhol’s “Torn Campbell’s Soup Can (Pepper Pot)” sold for $11,776,000.
Jean-Michel Basquiat’s “M” sold for $2,928,000.
Brice Marden’s “Elements V” sold for $2,984,000.
Myles’ “Tornado Warning” is still available and has been marked down to $999,999.99.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Top 11 Ways Rochester is Preparing for Patrick Kennedy’s Rehab Stint At the Mayo Clinic

Have you heard that Patrick Kennedy is going into rehab at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota’s own Rochester? That means that various Kennedys could descend upon the berg to lend Patrick support. Unlike New Orleans, Rochester knows how to prepare for a disaster. Here are the top 11 ways Rochester’s city fathers are readying for the onslaught:

11. Gin deliveries will be diverted from Atomizer’s house to Rochester area bars

10. A wing will be added to John Hardy’s Barbecue

9. Shipment of hookers from Atlanta

8. Police will be briefed on where to drop off the various Kennedys

7. Bridge abutments will be reinforced

6. All women under 50 will be evacuated to Graham Arena

5. “Do Not Feed the Kennedys” signs will be posted around town

4. Public Service Announcements reminding residents not to ride with Kennedys

3. Since no Rochester native will do the job, illegal immigrants will be brought in to groom Teddy

2. Apache Mall’s name will be changed to less offensive “Tax and Spend Mall”

1. City ordinance prohibiting too-easy Kennedy jokes

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Derby Prediction

On the Patriot Insider today I discussed the Kentucky Derby with Mark Yost. My predictions in the form you would see if I published a Big Nihilist's Tip Sheet:

1. Sweetnorthernsaint
2. Steppenwolfer
3. Brother Derek

Bet only what you can afford!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Top 11 Things That Zarqawi Did After Making His Latest Video

11. Facial, herbal wrap, and pedicure at Spa Fallujah.

10. Ordered a new Prius.

9. Went to spinning class at Club Jihad.

8. Made sure explosive vests matched suicide bombers' shoes.

7. Sent "Thinking of You" Hallmark card to Osama.

6. Painted toenails the colors of the Palestinian flag.

5. Curled up in cave with a chai latte to read How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life.

4. Watched Will & Grace marathon on Lifetime.

3. Gossiped that Osama's beard makes his hips look big.

2. Backed his SUV into garage door. Again.

1. Declared fatwa on members of Mr. Blackwell's "Worst Dressed" list.

Top 11 Headlines Even Less Surprising Than "Kennedy In Car Crash: Alcohol Believed To Be Involved"

11. Murder in Minneapolis

10. Bear Craps In Woods

9. Bonnie Bleskachek Hits On Subordinate

8. Pope Wears Funny Hat

7. Minneapolis City Council Person Indicted

6. Twins Stadium Deal Hits Snag

4. Schools Say They Need More Money

3. Vikings Lose Big Game

2. Moviegoer Falls Asleep At “A Prairie Home Companion” Premier

1. Democrats Dispute Election Results

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

An Apology To Commenter Michelle Joy

In the comment thread to this post, I took commenter Michelle Joy to task for suggesting that Windows 98 could run on a computer from 1992. I assumed that Windows 98 required the Pentium processor which was not released until 1993. However, further investigation reveals that Windows 98 can run on the 486/DX processor which was indeed available in 1992. I apologize for questioning Michelle's credibility.

I am somewhat puzzled as to why Michelle did not correct me herself; especially since her other comments show that she is not shy about criticizing us. I can think of only one possible explanation - Michelle assumed that I had the superior technological knowledge because I'm a boy and she's a girl.

Despite what JB Doubtless or Larry Summers may say, girls are every bit as capable as men when it comes to understanding and using computers (in this case, perhaps more capable). Michelle, just because you are a girl, you do not need to defer to boys on all matters technological. Math may be hard, but you can handle it!

Perhaps a Women's Studies class would help your self-esteem.

NOTE: This is an example of how blogs handle corrections differently than the Mainstream Media. This correction actually appears MORE prominently than the original error.

NIHILIST ADDS: I also owe Michelle Joy an apology. After seeing her challenge to Sisyphus, I immediately dispatched an e-mail to Uncle Karl advising that we had a dissent situation that needed crushing. Later, upon seeing that she was indeed correct, I tried to contact the team of jack-booted thugs that he dispatched to sweep her off tp Guantanamo Bay for re-education. However I was unable to make contact. Coincidentally we have not heard from Michelle Joy in some time. File that under oops!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Top 11 Snippets Overheard from the Ludacris – Antonin Scalia Conversation

The lovely and talented Mary Katherine Ham notes that rapper Ludacris and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia were spotted chatting after the White House Correspondents Dinner. Here are the top 11 snippets overheard from their conversation:

11. Thanks dawg, I will check out that Verdi dude

10. Don't feel bad, Scott Johnson generally pans all rap singles.

9. Yes, that does sound like a clear cut case of entrapment to me

8. That’s another thing we have in common – I also enjoy Chicken and Beer

7. Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter!

6. I can git you Shawnna’s phone number, but only if you come through with Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s digits

5. Have your people call my people about that cop buddy movie idea.

4. I can relate bro, I hate it when liberals ignore the original intent of my songs

3. Actually, Diana Ross wasn't on the Supreme Court.

2. Yes, Anna Nicole Smith is one rich 'ho.

1. Sure I have the guts to go to one of your concerts. After all, I have hunted with Cheney.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Top 11 Things That Wendy Wilde Will Do If She Is Elected To Congress

11. Launch an investigation of the Big Mold industry

10. Propose a non-binding resolution that the cause of Hell's freezing over was in fact due to global warming.

9. Decriminalize payola

8. Decriminalize peyote

7. Grab a bib and try to find out where all that free pork is

6. Expose her children a great diversity of people, and all of the cultural benefits that they would gain from that by living in inner-city Washington D.C.

5. Get a Congressional aid to summarize that "Constitution" thing she's been hearing so much about

4. Have Congress pass a resolution affirming that "mean people suck."

3. Sign law that lets every citizen adopt a porn de plume as she did

2. Raise the minimum wage to $1 million an hour so that everyone will be a millionaire

1. Demand equal rights for Beige Americans

Top 11 Things That Will Be Not Different During The "Day Without Immigrants"

Today is the "Day Without Immigrants." Some things will be noticeably different today. Here are the top 11 things that won't.

11. Shakira will still shake her butt

10. Comedy Central will air the same episode of "The Mind Of Mencia" that they have been showing every day for the last month

9. No one will pull the weeds out of my garden

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger will continue to butcher the pronunciation of "California"

7. Illegal aliens will continue to receive government services

6. Taco Bell restaurants will remain open (we're not sure about Chipotle)

5. The Minnesota Twins still will hit worse than any other team in baseball

4. Carona will still require lime to cover up the lack of taste

3. Cock fights will continue to take place in seedier neighborhoods of Los Angeles

2. Eva Longoria will remain overexposed (unfortunately that's merely from a publicity standpoint)

1. The southern US border will remain porous