Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Case of the Insulted Intern

Editors note: the quotes in this story are fictional. They represent the author's interpretation of what may have occured (but probably did not) behind the scenes at Air America Minnesota over the internship of Kubhi (sp?) and provide context for the general story. The moral of which is, if you go Swimming With Sharks like Nick Coleman, these things can happen.

Friday, April 22 was Kubhi's last day as an intern on The Nick Coleman Show on AM 950 - Air America Minnesota. During that show it was not announced that it would be his last day and he did not get an opportunity to bid listeners a fond farewell. Instead, on Monday, April 25, Nick Coleman made the announcement that Kubhi's internship had ended. This period was proceeded by a diminished role for Kubhi on the show which was acknowledged by the host, but never fully explained.

I have yet to have the chance to interview Kubhi (if your out there and would like to give the Nihilist an exclusive, drop me a comment). However, here is my interpretation of key events of the Kubhi/Coleman era.

Day 1:
Nick: What I am concerned with is detail. I asked you go get me a packet of Sweet-N-Low. You bring me back Equal. That isn't what I asked for. That isn't what I wanted. That isn't what I needed and that shit isn't going to work around here.

Kubhi: I, I just thought...

Nick: You thought. Do me a f***ing favor. Shut up, listen, and learn. Look, I know that this is your first day and you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a packet of Sweet-N-Low, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want.

Day 35
Kubhi: That's a bagel stain.
Dawn: Bagel stain?
Kubhi: I put too much cream cheese on Nick's bagel and he threw it at me. But I learned a very valuable lesson... never put too much cream cheese on Nick's bagel.

Day 42
Nick: You are nothing! If you were in my toilet I wouldn't bother flushing it. My bathmat means more to me than you!

April 22
Nick: Say this one time with me: "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?" ...Good. Now memorize it, because starting tomorrow, the only job that you're going to be able to get is selling SHOES!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Why Bush Is Worse Than Hitler

Our friends on the Left are fond of comparing President Bush to Adolph Hitler. But if you really take a close look at the analogy, especially from a Lefty point of view, it becomes apparent just how unfair it Hitler. And so I give you the Top Eleven Reasons Bush Is Worse Than Hitler:

11. The roads got better under Hitler, they've gotten worse under Bush.

10. Bush has encouraged American corporations to offshore and outsource jobs to foreign countries. Hitler actually brought foreign workers to Germany.

9. The trains ran on time under Hitler. Under Bush they may not run at all.

8. Hitler was a better public speaker.

7. Hitler was the driving force behind a fuel efficient, environmentally friendly, "people's car". Bush prefers gas guzzling SUVs.

6. Hitler liked to listen to classical music. Bush's iPod is heavy on country and western.

5. Hitler was an artist before he got into politics. Bush was a businessman.

4. Hitler had a much better alternative energy policy (designed to decrease dependence on foreign oil) than Bush does.

3. Hitler had real allies unlike Bush's "coalition of the bribed".

2. Hitler honorably served his country in a combat zone during war time (and was wounded in action) unlike Bush who was in the Texas Air National Guard.

and finally the number reason that Bush is worse than Hitler...

1. The French collaborated much better with Hitler than they do with Bush.

Become a Better Conservative in May

Most of our readers are already good conservatives, but there is always room for improvement. Here is a calendar of things you can do throughout the month of May that will help you become a better conservative.

Sunday May 1:
May Day: The international workers day as celebrated by commies and socialists. Celebrate by submitting the names of anyone you suspect of being a commie or socialist to the Justice Department.
Monday May 2:
May2 is H2 day. Test drive a new Hummer.
Tuesday May 3:
Deliver the news. Seek out a car with a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker; politely inform the owner that the election is over and that they ought to consider moving on. If they tell you they can’t remove the bumper sticker because it is holding their car together, kindly offer them a “Support Our Troops” sticker to place over it.
Wednesday May 4:
South Park Republican Day. Show your support for “South Park Republicans” by watching tonight’s episode.
Thursday May 5:
The Great American Smoke-In. If you’ve never smoked, today’s the day to give it a try. If you’re a former smoker, give yourself a taste of what you’ve been missing.
Friday May 6:
Help beautify your community: tell a hippy to get a haircut.
Saturday May 7:
Family Movie Day: Gather up the family for a rousing showing of Patton.

Fossil Fuels Appreciation Week:
Sunday May 8:
Grill a steak. The beauty is it doesn’t matter whether you prefer charcoal or gas grilling. Both are fossil fuels!
Monday May 9:
How about a good old fashioned gasoline fight, like in the movie Zoolander?
Tuesday May 10:
Anyone who drives a Prius, or any other of those hybrid cars is highly likely to be a smug environmentalist who hands out “environmental waste” tickets to SUV owners. Today turn the tables by handing out your own “anti-smugness” tickets:
“You are a pretentious arrogant jerk. You owe society $1,000,000 in punitive damages for the annoyance caused by your condescending attitude.”
Wednesday May 11:
Take the long way into work. If you are part of a carpool, drive in to work separately and savor your independence.
Thursday May 12:
Picket a nuclear plant. Here we can form common cause with our liberal friends. Nuclear power is taking money out of the pockets of the coal and gas companies.
Friday May 13:
Take a one hour shower. Fire up that hot water heater and enjoy a nice long relaxing shower, courtesy of fossil fuels. And don’t worry about wasting water. The earth has a nearly constant supply of water that is constantly recycled.
Saturday May 14:
Chevy American Revolution 400 – Even if you don’t care for NASCAR, show your support for those who know how to enjoy fossil fuels by tuning in to the Chevy American Revolution 400 on the FX network.

Sunday May 15:
Taunt a vegan. Buy a cheeseburger (preferably from McDonald’s) and wave it under the nose of patrons going into your local vegan restaurant.
Monday May 16:
Be rude (or ruder) to your servants today. You know they’re complaining about you behind your back anyway, so today, really give them something to whine about.
Tuesday May 17:
Team America: World Police is released on DVD today. Root on your favorite Special Forces puppets as they take on the evil Film Actors Guild.
Wednesday May 18:
Stimulate the economy: find a homeless person and tell him or her to get a job.
Thursday May 19:
Sisyphus’s birthday is next Saturday. Even though he can afford to buy his own beer, buy him one anyway.
Friday May 20:
Violate the spirit but not the letter of your local smoking ban. Buy a couple of packs of cigars or cigarettes and one of those battery operated mini-fans. Light up three or four of them in front of (but outside of) a building that is subject to a government mandated smoking ban. Use your fan to blow smoke into the building. If possible, choose a pub frequented by politicians responsible for implementing the ban.
Saturday May 21:
Ronald Reagan Appreciation Day. Have you named something after Ronald Reagan lately? Name a spare bedroom “The Gipper Room” and fill it with Reagan memorabilia.

Support America’s Major Corporations Week:
Sunday May 22:
Wal-Mart: Don’t just shop there. Write your city, county, or met council and insist they do what it takes to bring another Wal-Mart store to your area.
Monday May 23:
Microsoft: You must know someone who’s pirating Microsoft software. Today is the day to turn them in.
Tuesday May 24:
Halliburton: Write your Senator and Congressman to demand more no bid contracts!
Wednesday May 25:
Starbucks: Walk right on by that locally owned, independent coffee shop and into your nearest Starbucks. After all, if they didn’t have great coffee, there wouldn’t be one on every corner.
Thursday May 26:
McDonald’s: Don’t forget to Super Size that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal!
Friday May 27:
CitiGroup: You probably have a CitiGroup credit card. Use it on today’s shopping spree!
Saturday May 28:
Pfizer: Whether you need it or not, pop a Viagra today.

Sunday May 29:
Fisk Nick. Read Nick’s column and fisk it. If Nick doesn’t write one today, or it is a rare sane column, fisk one from his archives.
Monday May 30:
Lecture a slacker. They’re easy to find working as clerks at co-ops, independent book stores, and coffee shops. Inform them that if they had any gumption they’d be taking the Real Estate exam or finding out how to make a living in plastics. This is also a good learning opportunity for the kids. Show them how they’ll end up if they major in something worthless like Peace and Conflict Studies.
Tuesday May 31:
Reflect on the improvements you’ve made in your life over the last month and resolve to continue becoming a better conservative throughout the year.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The World Is Upside Down

Listeners to Nick Coleman's awful radio show this week were treated to a small showing of fiscal restraint. It seems that the man who knows stuff doesn't want to tax Hennepin County purchases to fund a new Twins stadium. Sure, he'd tax them for mo' betta welfare, but this is a baby step in the right direction.

Meanwhile, the fiscal conservative Elder from Fraters is all in favor of government confiscation of wealth to provide payola for favored members of the private sector. WTF?

War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.

Top 11 Unfinished Top 11 Lists

Things have been a little slow around here since our big Killer Rabbit Day blow out. That doesn’t mean we haven’t been trying to come up with something, we’ve just been unsuccessful. Here are the Top 11 Top 11 lists we’ve failed to complete for one reason or another. I think you’ll agree, they’re all better left on the cutting room floor.

11. Pamela Anderson Lee’s Top 11 Breast Sizes
10. Top 11 Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Work On Molly Ivins
9. Top 11 French Deodorants
8. Benedict XVI’s Top 11 Breakdance Moves
7. Top 11 Air America Advertisers
6. Top 11 Politicians it would be Funny to Pretend to Assassinate
5. Barbara Boxer’s Top 11 Favorite Shiny Objects
4. Top 11 Nick Coleman e-mails to Jay Rosen
3. Deacon’s Top 11 Soccer Posts
2. Top 11 Reasons to [Heart] My Colon
1. Kofi Annan’s Top 11 Favorite Swiss Banks

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Blaming Karl

The final results to our poll assigning blame for the killer rabbit attack are in. The majority of those polled blame (or credit) our favorite evil genius, Karl Rove, for orchestrating the rabbit attack. Another substantial portion blames society for fostering an environment where rabbit’s feel so disenfranchised they feel they have no choice but to attack the President. Despite being the man with the oar, only 5% chose to hold President Carter responsible. And everyone exonerated the rabbit and blabber-mouthed Press Secretary Jody Powell.

The final results:
Karl Rove: 48%
Society: 40%
Ayatollah Khomeni: 7%
President Carter: 5%
The Rabbit: 0%
Jody Powell: 0%

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The Draft is Here!

Ever since the election, I’ve been closely monitoring the draft situation. The left was widely assuring us that the re-election of George W. Bush would make the return of the draft inevitable. Now I see that they were 110% right. Silly me, I assumed they were talking about a Military draft. It is now clear that they were talking about the return of the NFL draft. Hopefully, the Vikings will use the draft pick they received in the horrendous Randy Moss trade to draft a player with at least half his ability.

NIHILIST ADDS: The Vikings selected WR Troy Williamson from South Carolina with the seventh pick of the first round, which they received in the Moss trade. CBS Sportsline draft analyst Pete Prisco is impressed, giving the pick an A+ rating:

This is the right pick. Not Mike Williams. Troy Williamson can fly. The Vikings needed to replace their deep threat in Randy Moss, and Williamson can do that. The Vikings did the right thing drafting the speed, not the possession receiver. A terrific pick of a player I love.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Top 11 Things I Learned Running For Pope

It's been a tough week, as Benedict XVI defeated me in my quest for the papacy. However, unlike Al Gore and John Kerry, I responded not with whining and lawyers, but by rededicating myself to blogging. Still, I'd like to reflect on some things I learned in my quest for the keys:

11. Karl Rove is nowhere near as effective as some of the Vatican power brokers
10. The Pope has e-mail:
9. Campaigning for the papacy is a sure way not to win
8. Nick Coleman is a jackass (ok, I didn't exactly just learn that, but it needs to be said yet again)
7. CNN and the NY Times don't carry a lot of weight at the Vatican
6. I need to brush up on my Latin
5. The bigger the job, the dirtier the tricks need to be
4. Doing an Elvis impersonation on the hymns at mass is not always appreciated
3. Time spent researching Jimmy Carter's confrontation with the killer rabbit is time that could be spent campaigning
2. If you know your opponent was in the Hitler Youth, get that information out to the public before the vote
1. Even a billionaire like Sisyphus can't bribe the Holy Spirit

Since the vote was secret, we'll never know how many cardinals supported me. I will have to assume 30 or so. More importantly, it is the official position of the NIGP staff that we congratulate Pope Benedict XVI and wish him a long and successful tenure. Our souls may depend on it!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

In Name Only

Once again the Catholic Church has missed an opportunity to enter the modern age. Instead of electing a progressive, inclusive Pope with an understanding of the complexities and diversity of our society, they have installed another stern, authoritarian figure sure to drive more worshippers from the ranks by imposing his narrow- minded views of morality on the rest of us good Catholics. When will the dogma driven patriarchy in Rome realize that they need to stop desperately clinging to outdated traditions and quaint beliefs more suited to a less enlightened era? It's time to drop the nostalgia act boys and join the real world.

It begins with their simplistic Manichean view of "good" and "evil". Come on. We don't live in a black and white world. Reality is much more subtle than that and the Church hierarchy needs to begin seeing the world in its true shades of gray

Then there's the whole "forgiveness of sins" thing. So judgmental. Who are they to decide that what I did was wrong? Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my sandals Padre.

We all know that you can't legislate morality. When is the Church going to get off its high horse and understand that you can't preach it either? Nothing drives people away from their faith faster than when the Church tries to tell them how they should act. We're all adults here. And the choices that we make on our own time shouldn't be anyone's business but our own. I don't need some Probing Priest in my bedroom, my doctor's office, or my hospital room lecturing me on what I have to do to be a "good Catholic."

The Catholic Church would be great it wasn't for the religion.

Killer Rabbit Day Hangover

Pounding, pounding headache. I feel like Jimmy brained me with an oar. It’s about time I realized that I’m not a kid anymore and I can’t just go out and get totally wasted on Killer Rabbit Day without any adverse affects. Next year: Moderation.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Wreck of the President Carter

(Sung to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”)

The legend lives on from the Reaganites on down
Of the rabbit they called ‘Killer Swampee’
The rabbit, it’s said never gives up her quest
When the killer swamp bunny turns thirsty

With a load of Billy Beer twenty-six cases of cans more
Than the President could drink by his ownself.
That good man and true was a bone to be chewed
When the killer swamp bunny turns thirsty.

The Prez was the pride of the Democratic side
Coming off a big win over Jerry.
As election wins go, it was bigger than most
With a Senate and House of his party
After brokering some peace in the middle east
Jimmy left for some fishing in Georgia
And later that night when swampee came by
Could it be a bunny he’d been seein’?

The rabbit in the swamp made a hissing sound
And tried to get over the railing
And every man knew, as Prez Jimmy did too,
T’was the killer swamp rabbit come drinkin’.
The oar was raised and the fishin’ had to wait
’Cause the killer swamp rabbit was gnashin’.
When swampee came Jimmy’s oar brought pain
With a solid smack on his noggin’.

Consciousness re-gained, old Swampee lunged in for the
Billy Beer, in the good old cooler.
At that Jimmy sealed both of their fates, he said
Rabbit, you asked for some more oar.
Prez Carter rowed in and he let Powell in
On the story of killer rabbit swampee.
And later that night when Powel talked to the press
Came the wreck of the President Carter.

Does any one know where the love of God goes
When the Press swarms on a big story?
The pundits all say he’d have made it a race
If Jody had not blabbed out the story.
They might have backed down or they might have trashed Ron;
May have spun hard and ignored it.
And all that remains is the face and the name
Of another failed wimpy one-termer.

Inflation soars, Unemployment stings
In a nation one step from depression.
Ayatollah rants a terrorist’s dream;
The evil empires are all empowered.
And deep within our scarred civic pride
Malaise is the reigning emotion,
And the voters all know Jimmy’s got to go
With killer rabbit swampee remembered.

In a musty old hall in Boston they cheered,
At the ‘04 Democratic Convention.
Michael Moore stood near ‘til Jimmy waved him in
To his box at the Convention Center.
The legend lives on from the Reaganites on down
Of the rabbit they called ‘Killer Swampee’
The rabbit, it’s said never gives up her quest
When the killer swamp bunny turns thirsty

How Others May Have Handled the Killer Rabbit Attack

[Editors Note: April 20 is the 26th anniversary of the Killer Rabbit attack on Jimmy Carter]

Gerald Ford Would have beaned the rabbit with an errant tee shot.
Robert Byrd Would have burnt a cross in the rabbit’s front yard.
Gandhi Would have staged a non-violent sit-in on the boat until the rabbit left peacefully.
Ronald Reagan Would have given the rabbit some jelly beans, told it a couple of jokes, and the rabbit would have ended up working on his campaign.
Dan Rather Would have gotten revenge by forging documents showing that the rabbit used its influence to get its son into the Air National Guard.
John Kerry “While fishing near the Cambodian border, I was attacked by Pol Pot disguised as a rabbit. I whacked him with my fishing pole and just as I was about to capture him, Nixon called me on my cell phone and ordered me to release Pot and run a C.I.A. agent into Cambodia.”
Bill Clinton Would have offered the rabbit a cigar.
Saddam Hussein Would have killed the rabbit and hunted down its entire family.
Jacques Chirac Would have sneered condescendingly at the rabbit before surrendering to it.
St. Kate That rabbit’s head would be hanging from a stick in her yard. (Remember, St. Kate is only non-evil to humans.)
Dementee Would have eaten the rabbit raw.
Kevin Ecker Would have brought the rabbit home for a play date with his puppy.
Learned Foot A mushroom cloud would have appeared over the swamp.
Nick Coleman Would have hit the rabbit with his hockey stick and then ordered Cubby to follow it around to various hotel banquets and Irish pubs.
Andrew Sullivan Would have first discerned the rabbit’s position on gay marriage. If the rabbit were anti-gay marriage, he would rip it on his blog. Otherwise he would ignore it.
Captain Fishsticks Would ask himself: “What would Ayn Rand do?”
SisyphusCertainly wouldn’t have told his big-mouthed press secretary about the incident.

Killer Rabbit Day Limericks

There once was a rabbit called killer
Who wanted to avoid the griller.
He went to the swamp
But Jimmy gave him a whomp
And now he’s blog filler.

On a warm April day,
Just ten days from May:
It was a rabbit attack,
But Jimmy fought back
And then the press made hay.

Killer Rabbit Day Haiku - Part II

Jimmy Carter - Liar!
Weapons of mass destruction?
That rabbit had none!

A man of peace? No!
In a rage he beats tiny
bunny with an oar!

I am Russia's bitch!
Iranians rule me, but
Bunnies I will fight!

Sit by me, Michael!
I only harm defenseless
bunnies, not fat pigs!

On Hitler's birthday
Jimmy Carter celebrates
by beating bunny!

A Salute to President Carter

We've had a little bit of fun with President Carter today. However, I would like to take a positive look at him, especially in regard to the rabbit incident. For those who don't know what we are talking about, 26 years ago today, President Carter took a brief fishing trip to help him relax. It was a tough time for this country and this president. The Russians had invaded Afghanistan. The Iranians were holding American hostages. Inflation was at double digit levels. The prime interest rate was in the high teens. Disco music was on the airbag's. America as we know it faced a crossroads.

So Carter took a fishing trip. Maybe a little time in the great outdoors could help give him the perspective he needed to do the toughest job in America in one of America's toughest hours. While fishing, Carter claimed he was attacked by a killer rabbit. A struggle ensued, with Carter claiming that he shooed the rabbit away to end the confrontation. However, an unsubstantiated rumor has circulated that Carter beat the tiny animal to death with an oar. When word of this episode got out, Carter became even more of a laughingstock than he had been before.

But should we mock our president for this melee? I think not. Consider the following examples of others in Carter's shoes and their track records. I suggest this will show Carter in a more favorable light:

Example 1 - Elmer Fudd, a character with a record of accomplishment similar to Carter's had several confrontations with one Bugs Bunny. Not only was Fudd unable to defeat his nemesis, he often ended up engaging in homoerotic interspeciel foreplay with the crossdressing Bugs. Carter may have lusted in his heart as he engaged the bunny, but there are no reports on any intimacy with the rabbit. And unlike multiple time loser Fudd, Carter won his battle with the rabbit, securing either retreat or death of his foe. Unfortunately he was far less successful with the Iranians.

Example 2 - According to "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" a rabbit killed several of the Knights of the Round Table before King Arthur was able to defeat it by using the "holy hand grenade." Not only did Carter lead an attack with no friendly casualties (again unfortunately unlike his record against the Iranians,) he was able to win without escalating the conflict in the manner of King Arthur.

So think again before you castigate Jimmy Carter for his battle with the killer rabbit.

Killer Rabbit Day Haiku

A rabbit attacks.
Carter hit it with an oar.

Oh, killer rabbit,
What were you thinking that day?
Was Karl Rove involved?

Is Carter a wimp?
I know one rabbit that says:
I am Jimmy’s bitch.

The media storm
Made Carter look quite silly.
I wish I blogged then.

Whatever happened,
You should not have told Powell.
He blabbed to the press.

Top 11 Explanations for the Killer Rabbit Attack on Jimmy Carter

[Editors Note: April 20 is the 26th anniversary of the Killer Rabbit attack on Jimmy Carter]

11. The rabbit was fed up with double-digit inflation and unemployment.

10. Rabbit was only going after the six-pack of Billy Beer on the boat; Carter over-reacted.

9. Moonbat Theory: Karl Rove spent years genetically engineering and then brainwashing the rabbit to attack Carter and precipitate the media storm that he knew would lead to the election of George W. Bush’s father as Vice-President.

8. Alternate Moonbat Theory: It was Rove in a rabbit suit.

7. Carter would often come out to the swamp and recite his poetry; the rabbit couldn’t take it anymore.

6. After following Carter’s presidency, the rabbit hadn’t expected Carter to respond to the attack with force.

5. Rabbit was a PETA member protesting Carter’s torture of fish.

4. It was God’s gift to future bloggers.

3. Rabbit really, really wanted to see Walter Mondale in the Oval Office.

2. Something like this is bound to happen when a rabbit spends twelve hours a day eating Twinkies, playing “Pong”, and watching Bugs Bunny cartoons.

1. Did it to impress Jessica Rabbit.

Happy Killer Rabbit Day!

Today is the twenty-sixth anniversary of one of the great metaphorical events in history. On April 20, 1979 President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a killer rabbit.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Pope is Still Catholic

The mood is somber here at the Nihilist for Pope Headquarters, but not as somber as one might expect. The Nihilist is still in his thirties, making him quite young by Papal standards. After the long reign of John Paul II, the Cardinals seem to have wanted a transitional figure before choosing another long-serving Pope.

We’ve learned a lot and vow to be better prepared for the next conclave (which we hope is many years off). For one thing, we've learned that you really need someone inside the conclave, and to that end Learned Foot has started the campaign to get me my Cardinal’s hat.

We are glad to see that the College of Cardinals has indeed chosen a Catholic for the job, and an anti-sin Catholic at that. Sure, it’s a disappointment to the main stream media, but they’ve got to be getting used to disappointment by now. For most of us, the only downside to Pope Benedict is that we’ll have to continue wiping our hands with those little towelettes to avoid catching the plague during the sign of peace.

Monday, April 18, 2005

A Good Sign for Pizzope Nihilist

I know many of you are disappointed that the Nihilist in Golf Pants wasn’t elected Pope on the first ballot (and thus missing his chance to join the prestigious first-ballot Pope club). But this is actually a good sign. The Nihilist is more of a dark horse candidate and thus benefits from the fact that none of the better known contenders have received sufficient support on day one. As the deadlock continues, expect more and more Cardinals to take a long look at the Nihilist’s platform.

In other Papal election news, according to Drudge, Michael Moore is in Rome campaigning to be Pope. I say bring it on, loser (but to be fair, I must admit that Moore’s proposal to change the hosts from unleavened bread to Krisp Kreme’s is not without merit). Oh, and please make a documentary designed to deny the Nihilist the Papacy.

A Nation Turns Its Lonely Ears To You

Just when you thought that the daily Nick Coleman Experience on local Air America affiliate AM 950 couldn't get any worse, they go ahead and raise the bar of unlistenableness to a new height. For some reason Nick's on air sidekick Cubhi has been relegated to the background and his voice is rarely heard these days. Which means that we're pretty much subjected to all Coleman all the time.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm missing Cubhi. Not that he ever added anything of substance or insight to the conversation. Nor were his juvenile attempts at humor in the least bit funny. But he did give the listener an occasional respite from the droning nasal banality of Coleman. And damn, is that respite a welcome one when you're trying to listen to the show.

I don't know why Cubhi has been muzzled. I do know that we need him back in the saddle.

Listen Nick. Cubhi's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation. His time has come.

Free Cubhi!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Another Power Line Scoop

You can’t keep the Power Line guys in dark forever; maybe for fifty-odd years, but not forever. Hindrocket has discovered Elvis:

I never really did listen to him. Now I've started, and he is, as my son would say, insanely good. A couple of nights ago I was playing Elvis when my eight-year-old daughter walked into the room, just in time to hear "Blue Suede Shoes." She said, "Wow! What's that?" and started dancing.

Now that Hindrocket has discovered the King, next is the Elvis impersonator, especially our own Nihlist in Golf Pants.

Wine Blogging

I'm not really into wine blogging, but it works for Doug, so I thought I'd give it a try. The Atomizer of Fraters Libertas has graciously agreed to help me since I am a novice and he is wise in the ways of alcohol. My wine for today is Fetzer 2003 Valley Oaks Merlot.

On first impression, Valley Oaks has a lovely dark color, like the Vikings home jerseys look when my upstairs TV is on the fritz. Mild flavor of cherry and vanilla and other additives that taste better in Coca-Cola. The finish lingers nicely.

A second taste reveals the strong flavor of potash. Very unusual and none too pleasant. Dammit Atomizer! You ashed your cigarette in my wine! This review is over.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

That's Using Your Noggin!

I like television. I would have the digital cable package just out of hedonistic desire, but there's an added benefit. The digital package also has a handful of extra channels of children's programming.

One of the best channels is called Noggin. It is targeted at pre-schoolers and the best thing about it is there are no commercials. It is a mix of cartoons, muppet shows and short clips. The worst part about it is every hour they feature a segment called "Move to the Music," where they play a children's song. Most of the time it is an insufferable trio led by overly perky Laurie Berkner. Laurie's overly happy/hyper attitude makes Paige Davis look like Eeyore.

Anyway, today I began to cringe as the Noggin announcer stated that it was time to "Move to the Music." However the first note knocked me down like a ton of bricks. It wasn't Laurie's voice, but that of Jonathan Richman. Noggin was showing a music video of his classic Modern Lovers tune, "I'm a Little Airplane." It was a cheesy Noggin-produced video, complete with little kids running around with their arms out, but nonetheless it was awesome! Although they have to watch their editing. I swear one brief clip was from a World at War feature from the Battle of Britain. But maybe it was my imagination. After all, kids TV does drive me to drink pretty early on Saturdays.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Halliburton Update

As most of you know, I purchased 100,000 shares of Halliburton stock on inauguration day (at $41.62) in hopes of cashing in on the special relationship that the moonbats assure us exists between Halliburton and the Bush-Cheney administration. Well, today Halliburton dropped more than 4% and closed at 40.60, meaning I’ve lost a total of $102,000 – enough to finance 10 Randy Moss pretend moonings.

Come on, Bush-Cheney, you’re going to be accused of giving sweetheart deals to Halliburton whether you actually do it or not, so why not help a homey out?

The Best Commencement Address Ever

The best commencement address ever given (at least the best I’m aware of, but it’s hard to imagine a better one) was delivered at Caltech in 1974 by physicist Richard Feynman.

The speech, “Cargo Cult Science”, is addressed to recently graduated scientists and engineers and is a wise and witty examination of the scientific method and scientific integrity. He examines some of the ways scientists can fool themselves and their responsibility to be honest in presenting their work to the general public. Unfortunately, his precepts are often broken these days, especially regarding highly politicized issues such as climate change.

The entire speech is available online here. It really is one of the rare pieces of writing that everyone should read.

“Cargo Cult Science” also makes up the last chapter of Feynman’s highly entertaining collection of anecdotes “Surely You’re Joking Mr. Feynman”. You don’t have to know or care anything about physics to enjoy this book, especially his hilarious (yes, hilarious) account of working on the Manhattan Project during World War II.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Top 11 Songs that Saved My Life

Anti-hipster JB Doubtless mocks the notion that a song can save your life. While it may be a stretch to say that these songs saved my life, I hate to contemplate where I might be without them.

11. Revolution, Beatles – Showed me that Nike shoes were Important.
10. Zamboni, Gear Daddies – Until this song, I had no desire to ever drive a Zamboni.
9. The Gambler, Kenny Rogers – Taught me the importance of knowin’ when to hold ‘em and knowin’ when to fold ‘em, knowin’ when to walk away and knowin’ when to run – not just in cards, but in life.
8. Gilligan’s Island Theme – Thanks to this catchy tune, I will never forget the premise and cast of characters of a television classic.
7. Copacabana, Barry Manilow – When the world moves on from the merengue and the cha-cha to disco, it’s best move along with it.
6. Sk8er Boi, Avril Lavigne – Just because a kid is a baggy-pantsed skateboarder doesn’t mean he can’t become an MTV star.
5. Waitress in the Sky, The Replacements – Made me realize that flight attendants had no right to look down on me just because I don’t wear a tie.
4. Take It Easy, The Eagles – Thanks to this song, I now occasionally stop and smell the roses.
3. Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffet – Convinced me that there’s much to be said for drinking all day on a tropical island.
2. Gin and Juice, Snoop Dogg – Like Dr. Dre, I prefer Tanqueray.
1. Folsom Prison Blues, Johnny Cash – Inspired me to keep on top of this Sarbanes-Oxley stuff (and to not shoot a man just to watch him die).

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The Dollar Store

While driving in St. Paul I noticed a business establishment called “The Dollar Store”. Inquiries revealed that this store carries only merchandise priced at one dollar or less. Does anyone patronize such a place? For the life of me, I cannot imagine anything I’d ever want that cost less than a dollar.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

A Touch of Class, Part V – Tahitian Treats

As long time readers know, I own a Tahitian island. As a result, I’ve always been partial to the work of the great post-impressionist Paul Gauguin. Much of his best work was painted in Tahiti where he lived all but two of the years between 1891 and his death in 1904. Gauguin was adept at capturing primitive yet exotic Tahitian scenes, such as Nevermore, O Tahiti painted in 1897 (note the exotic bird in the window).

Gauguin greatly admired the impressionists, and Camille Pissarro was one of his early mentors. But like his friend, Vincent Van Gogh, he gradually moved beyond the impressionist’s slavish devotion to naturalism. This can be seen in the use of unnatural looking oranges, reds, greens, and yellows in The Bathers, also painted in 1897 and now residing in the National Gallery of Art.

And of course, there is Gauguin’s masterpiece from 1892, Spirit of the Dead Watching, one of the featured paintings in Roger Kimball’s The Rape of the Masters: How Political Correctness Sabotages Art. It is almost worth the trip to Buffalo to visit it at the Albright-Knox Art Gallery.

Things have changed considerably in Tahiti since Gauguin’s day. I don’t subscribe much to the evils of globalization, but it cannot be denied that the westernization of the native dress in Tahiti has been a negative. Still, spending time with Gauguin’s work does make one want to fire up the Boeing Business Jet and make for the island.

(Click here for the previous installment of A Touch of Class.)

UPDATE: For those like commenter Chad who prefer fruit punch to great art, go here.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Bad Physics

Terry Teachout quotes Saul Bellow:
“Why does it happen so quickly? You throw a stone into the air and it has to overcome gravity, so its rise is slow, and that is why the days of childhood are so long and leisurely. But as the stone falls, it goes faster and faster, with a velocity of thirty-two feet per second, so that your sense of time finally is that of a rush into death. As the Book of Job puts it, ‘My days fly faster than the weaver’s shuttle.’ Towards the end you rush towards the earth, towards death. What does this acceleration signify?”

Clearly Saul Bellow’s Nobel Prize was not in physics. In fact, he seems not to have been paying very close attention in his high school physics class. The highlighted portion of the quote should have been “acceleration of thirty-two feet per second squared”. Acceleration is defined as the rate at which velocity changes. He contradicts his entire point by implying that the stone has a constant velocity of thirty-two feet per second. Then in the last sentence quoted here, he uses the term “acceleration” properly. Does he or does he not know the difference between acceleration and velocity? I don’t care how impressive your writing credentials are, if you’re going to use basic physics as a metaphor, at least get the physics right.

JBs Triumphant Return

It's great to see one of my favorite bloggers, JB Doubtless has returned to the scene. His latest is a fisking of Bruce Springsteen's "Johnny 99." Whether or not you love or hate Springsteen as an artist, one must admit that he is a simpleton. Hailed as a common man rock star, he is beloved by millions, but no one pretends there is any great intellectual firepower behind his story-laden music.

However, this common-man persona is also false. In an interview at least a decade ago he told the story of his attempted meeting with Elvis Presley. I believe this story appeared in Time Magazine, however this link will allow you to see it without ponying up for a Time subscription.

The story goes like this: Bruce and a member of his band jumped the fence at Graceland and knocked right on the front door at 3:30 am. Bruce bragged about how he was a big star and wanted to meet Elvis before the King's staff told him Elvis wasn't there and politely escorted him to the curb. In Bruce's own words:

"Yeah, I play the guitar, too, you know. And I got a band. I made some records." I told them I was on the cover of Time and Newsweek. They said, "Oh sure you are. Oh? Oh? Great, great." I don’t think they believed me. But it was all right. They were pretty nice about it. They took me by the arm and put me back out on the street.I don’t know what I would have said if he’d come to the door. I figure, somebody comes to my door around 3:30, I usually like to beat them with a stick or something.

What an ass. He expects the greatest star of all time to get up in the middle of the night to greet him. However, in the same situation, he'd smack another aspiring musician with a weapon. Mitch, is this man still your idol?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Canada Safe Blog Roll

We are pleased to announce that our new and improved blogroll is now 100% safe for our Canadian readers. We’ve temporarily re-directed our Captain’s Quarters link to take our readers to a more appropriate website. We are aware that Justice Gomery has lifted at least part of the publication ban, but Captain Ed continues to write mean things about some in the Canadian government. We will be happy to restore Captain Ed’s link if and when he starts treating the leaders of our neighbor to the north with more respect.

Friday, April 08, 2005

They, Sir, Have The Boorish Manners of A Yale Man

USA Today ran a cover story Thursday about how companies these days are less likely than they used to be to hire CEOs with Ivy League educations.

A study by executive search firm Spence Stuart found that the percentage of CEOs at Fortune 500 companies who were educated at Ivy League schools declined from 16% in 1998 to 11% in 2004. . . In 2005 there have been 24 new CEOs named to run Fortune 1000 companies according to public relations firm Burston-Marsteller. USA Today found only one, Corning’s soon-to-be-CEO Wellington Weekes with an Ivy League degree, a Harvard MBA (’87).

My favorite quote in the article comes from Weeks, commenting on the value Harvard provides to the economy in general:

I’ve yet to see the study that proves that Harvard creates value.

So why would companies be less likely to bring in Ivy Leaguers to their top spots? USA today lists the following reasons throughout the article:

- A “sense of entitlement” of Ivy Leaguers
- A strong focus on ethics at non-Ivy League schools
- The ability of non-Ivy Leaguers to relate to people of different backgrounds
- Ivy League graduates focus on higher starting paychecks outside of industry in areas such as investment banking

Entitlement, lack of ethics, aloofness, and greed? That certainly doesn’t sound like the Ivy League guys that I’ve met.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Handicapping the Papal Election

According to the good folks at Fiskwa!! (they listen to the Nick Coleman radio show so we don’t have to) Nick Coleman is claiming that he was once a Deacon of the Catholic Church. This announcement can only mean one thing: Nick is preparing to challenge our own Nihlist in Golf Pants for the papacy. Most commentators have been wary of handicapping the papal election, but not me. Here is how I see the Nick-Nihilist match up.

The Pope should be Roman Catholic
Although the New York Times and CNN may think this requirement antiquated, the Pope really should be a Roman Catholic, if only to preserve the traditional saying “Is the Pope Catholic?”
Nick Coleman described himself as “a lapsed Catholic and imperfect Presbyterian” in his May 7, 2004 Star Tribune column. The Nihilist is a Notre Dame graduate. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

The Pope should not be from a super power
In order to avoid the appearance that a super power is manipulating the Pope, the Pope should not be from a super power nation. The Nihilist is an American, the world’s only super power. Nick Coleman is an Irishman. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should know stuff
No explanation needed. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should take a traditional view of marriage
The Nihilist is still married to his first wife, a woman. Nick believes that it is all right to divorce your wife and re-marry if your new wife is a young hottie. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

Homeless – the Pope should know where to find the homeless
The Nihilist lives in the suburbs while Ncik Coleman often interviews the homeless for his column. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should be well-connected and influential
Nick has a Star Tribune column and an Air America Minnesota radio show. The Nihilist has a blog that averages 44 visitors a day. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

The new Pope should address the needs of hypochondriac Catholics
The Nihilist has pledged to curtail the handshake. Nick has been silent on this issue. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

There you have it; a 4-3 lead for the Nihilist. But don’t count Nick out just yet, his step-mother, Deborah Howell, may have more influence with College of Cardinals than we know.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Couple More Pope Comments

First, the pope is not a "Rock Star." I don't think being a rock star means much these days. Comparing the pope's popularity to that of Elvis is one thing, but these days new rock stars are from relatively obscure new bands like Maroon 5 or are moldy old singers without much talent like John Hoosier Mellonhead.

Second, while it's nice to hear moral religious leaders like Billy Graham or the Dali Lama praise the pope, no one cares what the wicca or the atheists think. I don't believe atheists exist anyway.

Third, to all those who say I cannot be pope, you are wrong. It is not against the rules. Any Catholic male can be pope. If you just say my chances are ridiculously small, you are probably right. It's been over 600 years since a non-cardinal has become pope. But am I a non-cardinal? Even I don't know for sure. Before he died, the pope named one man a cardinal in secret. The term is "In Pectore." Even the In Pectore Cardinal doesn't know he is a cardinal. The pope sometimes does this in regions of the world where totalitarian governments want to stomp out religion and might harm the new cardinal. And I do live in Minnesota.

If I am named pope, I will not go by the name "Nihilist I." I would look to support and complement the work of John Paul II, never would I think of trying to overshadow him. Thereby, I would choose the name "George Ringo I." Come to think of it, maybe the pope is a bit of a rock star.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A Pope About Nothing?

Pope John Paul II on nihilism:

As a result of the crisis of rationalism, what has appeared finally is nihilism. As a philosophy of nothingness, it has a certain attraction for people of our time. Its adherents claim that the search is an end in itself, without any hope or possibility of ever attaining the goal of truth. In the nihilist interpretation, life is no more than an occasion for sensations and experiences in which the ephemeral has pride of place. Nihilism is at the root of the widespread mentality which claims that a definitive commitment should no longer be made, because everything is fleeting and provisional.


I am referring to the nihilist interpretation, which is at once the denial of all foundations and the negation of all objective truth. Quite apart from the fact that it conflicts with the demands and the content of the word of God, nihilism is a denial of the humanity and of the very identity of the human being. It should never be forgotten that the neglect of being inevitably leads to losing touch with objective truth and therefore with the very ground of human dignity. This in turn makes it possible to erase from the countenance of man and woman the marks of their likeness to God, and thus to lead them little by little either to a destructive will to power or to a solitude without hope. Once the truth is denied to human beings, it is pure illusion to try to set them free. Truth and freedom either go together hand in hand or together they perish in misery.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement for Pope Nihilist I, is it?

Monday, April 04, 2005

Quiet the Riot

Tonight either the University of Illinois or the University of North Carolina will be crowned the NCAA men’s basketball champion. If history is any guide, fans on the winning campus will celebrate by smashing windows, building bonfires in the middle of intersections, and destroying the cars of under-insured minimum wage earners who were unfortunate enough to park in a riot zone.

I certainly don’t approve of such actions, but at least the post-championship rioters have tradition behind them. What I strongly disapprove of is the more recent trend of rioting by the runners-up. After losing a championship game, a true fan is too morose to riot.

There was rioting after the University of Minnesota’s hockey championships in 2002 and 2003. But after the 2003 championship there was also rioting by the losing University of New Hampshire fans. Now it’s getting even more ridiculous: Michigan State fans rioted Saturday after losing in the semi-finals. How pathetic do you have to be to riot after losing a semi-final game?

I compare these rioters to the wannabe-Vietnam War protesters I remember from college in the late 1980’s. You could almost feel their disappointment at being born twenty years too late with only arms sales to the contras to protest. Let’s hope that the fans of tonight’s losing team have enough self-respect to limit themselves to the time honored tradition of drowning their sorrows in alcohol.

Kudos to the University of Illinois fans who accepted their loss with dignity and not much rioting. It seems that the University of North Carolina fans limited their rioting to a few bonfires. Perhaps Margaret was right in her comment that rioting at the drop of a hat is a Michigan thing.

At Least J-Lo Seems Happy

Lost in the big events of this week is the silent crisis impacting many American women. It is surprising that this crisis isn’t more prominently on everyone’s minds. Especially since the mainstream media has not ignored it. In fact I visited the local news stand and saw ample evidence that it is being covered.

This crisis that is rocking the foundations of our society is the inability of Hollywood’s golden girls to maintain their relationships. Examples of the covers of several influential magazines include:

People Magazine focused on Jennifer Antison’s split with husband Brad Pitt.
– Jen Files For Divorce
Why She Gave Up
No chance for reunion: what’s behind her sudden move?
PLUS: Brad & Angelina’s shocking photo shoot

Us Magazine offered the scoop on Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillipe’s loveless marriage.
– Reese’s Lonely Marriage
Ryan is flirting with other women and leaves Reese alone on her birthday

In Touch Magazine looked at the marital troubles of both Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey as well as the divorce of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen.
– Should Jessica leave him?
Exclusive: Nick asks Jessica to pretend nothing is wrong – how much more can she take?
– It’s getting nasty! – Now Charlie wants custody

Life & Style Magazine featured how pregnancy may have ruined the marriage of Britney Spears & Kevin Federline and also had a piece on Denise and Charlie’s divorce.
– Britney: Pregnant & Alone?
Kevin says Britney’s expecting but he doesn’t want the baby
Will this tear apart their marriage?
– Denise’s anguish – He wants the kids

Finally, Star Magazine takes a different tack, looking at a more mature woman, one who isn’t a blond bombshell like the others. One who is older and more mature, and is even more materially successful than these big stars. Their subject is Oprah Winfrey.
– Oprah & Stedman: Are they finished?
She’s flirting with other men while he’s gone missing

Perhaps the MAWB Squad might be able to provide some woman to woman advice from the tragic victims of this growing crisis.

A Touch of Class, Part V – Tahitian Treats

As long time readers know, I own a Tahitian island. As a result, I’ve always been partial to the work of the great post-impressionist Paul Gauguin. Much of his best work was painted in Tahiti where he lived all but two of the years between 1891 and his death in 1904. Gauguin was adept at capturing primitive yet exotic Tahitian scenes, such as Nevermore, O Tahiti painted in 1897 (note the exotic bird in the window).

Gauguin greatly admired the impressionists, and Camille Pissarro was one of his early mentors. But like his friend, Vincent Van Gogh, he gradually moved beyond the impressionist’s slavish devotion to naturalism. This can be seen in the use of unnatural looking oranges, reds, greens, and yellows in The Bathers, also painted in 1897 and now residing in the National Gallery of Art.

And of course, there is Gauguin’s masterpiece from 1892, Spirit of the Dead Watching, one of the featured paintings in Roger Kimball’s The Rape of the Masters: How Political Correctness Sabotages Art. It is almost worth the trip to Buffalo to visit it at the Albright-Knox Art Gallery.

Things have changed considerably in Tahiti since Gauguin’s day. I don’t subscribe much to the evils of globalization, but it cannot be denied that the westernization of the native dress in Tahiti has been a negative. Still, spending time with Gauguin’s work does make one want to fire up the Boeing Business Jet and make for the island.

(Click here for the previous installment of A Touch of Class.)

Saturday, April 02, 2005

RIP Pope John Paul II

We live in amazing times. John Paul II may be the most amazing man of our time. He is being hailed as a spiritual leader who touched the lives of billions. His influence was not limited just to Catholics, but to all peoples of the world.

John Paul II will enter the kingdom of heavan, but we on earth are left with the loss of a man who left his imprint on the world. I am not fit to capture his legacy, however, I do hope that we can all follow his example of faith in God and goodwill toward all people.

Friday, April 01, 2005

I've Been Everywhere, Man

Yesterday I took a long overdue break from the work project that consumed March to poke my head in at the Gestapo-mandated smoke-free Keegan's Irish Pub. The crowd reaction was a unanimous, "Where've you been?"

I admit my posting here has been light. But I've been active at other sites, helping improve the internet experience of MOB readers outside the reach of this blog.

Here I am helping the Fraters with a song parody called "The Smoking Ban Can;" think "The Candy Man Can." See if you can guess which verse is mine. Answer: I offered the second bridge, but I really think it's the best part.

Here I am correcting Doug on the finer points of Catholic doctrine regarding euthenasia.

I have been here a little bit, though. Here I am adding a personal insight to Sisyphus' panning of the American version of "The Office."

And finally, here I am giving praise to our leader, the humble and unpretentious John Hinderocker and the rest of his hospitable crew at Powerline. Hurry, I think they might delete this tomorrow.

So if you don't see me here, just look around.

Left Turns

Rumor has it that George Soros has purchased the Kool Aid Report. I guess the sale became final today. What a bunch of sell outs.