Friday, October 29, 2010

Top 11 Explanations for Mark Dayton's Facial Gestures

11) He saw a spider!

10) He feels spiders crawling all over his body!

9) Advisors just told him what he'll have to do to taxpayers in order to close the billion dollar hole in his budget.

8) Just read the latest dividend report from his South Dakota based trust fund.

7) Even he can't believe the extent to which the local media is covering for him.

6) Coming to terms with the fact that a candidate as bad as himself is leading in the polls.

5) Heard that Judi Dutcher would like to give press conference endorsing him.

4) He can't believe that's not butter!

3) Campaign manager suggested he return for a photo shoot at the NYC school he "taught" at for two years.

2) Just got the latest terrorist threat briefing from the voices inside his head.

1) Just received a text message and photo attachment from Brett Favre.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

NARN Nursery Rhymes

Here are the nursery rhymes about the 2010 election that I read on NARN today:

Hickory Dickory Dock
Pelosi is on the clock
On November 2
His congress is through
Too bad the economy's shot

Little Tom Horner Ran for Governor
Another futile 3rd party try
Says he'll raise taxes some
He's like Dayton but less dumb
He says, "what a centrist am I!"

Twinkle Twinkle Oberstar
Money for bike paths not for car
Piles of cash from outsiders so high
Your the best that money can buy
Twinkle Twinkle Oberstar
Money for bike paths not for car

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Top 11 Experiments When President Obama Appears on "Mythbusters"

President Barack Obama is scheduled to appear on the December 8 episode of the Discovery Channel's popular show "Mythbusters." The show conducts experiments to determine the truth or falsehood of widely held beliefs, movie and TV representations of science and whatever fun stuff they want to test. Here are the top 11 experiments the President will help conduct:

11. A desperate attempt to prove that Keynesian stimulus works

10. The annoying a-hole with the mustache will hand Obama a bucket of water and then set fire to a Koran to determine his true religion

9. Testing just how badly the Democrats can get spanked in a midterm election

8. Documenting the dangers of lighting farts

7. Investigating whether or not there are in fact 57 states in the United States

6. Proving that since his inauguration the rise of the oceans has slowed and the planet began to heal

5. Explaining how George Bush could have been behind 9/11

4. Investigating just how difficult it is to forge a convincing Hawaiian birth certificate

3. Bringing Joe Biden to test whether Hair Club For Men members can really swim without looking ridiculous (spoiler alert: myth to be busted!)

2. Test how many times Obama has to announce he is against gay marriage before the gays believe him

1. Test whether a guy can be an effective President when he spends all of his time taking vacations, going to ballgames, golfing, visiting burger joints, drinking beer with people who acted stupidly, taking his kids out for ice cream and appearing on a bunch of bad television shows

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Top 11 Reasons President Obama Asked Joe Biden to be his Running Mate Again

11. Believes Joe Biden is the only reason he has not been assassinated by the tea party

10. Just loves annoying Hillary

9. Deep down he doesn't want to be President anymore

8. Michelle doesn't want to have to remove her "Obama + Biden Forever" tattoo

7. Understands that every tragedy needs some comic relief

6. Delaware's 3 electoral votes considered critical for new Democrat 2012 goal of at least doing better than Walter Mondale in 1984

5. Biggest fear: Joe Biden primary challenge

4. Can't afford to alienate the plagiarists with hair plugs community

3. Big misunderstanding, was actually asking him to share his Coffee Mate again

2. Joe knows where to get the best burgers

1. First 173 guys he asked to do it turned him down