Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Top 11+ Ways President Obama Plans to Insult the British During his State Visit

11. Before meeting with the Queen, insist that she produce her birth certificate

10. Demand that the state dinner meet Michelle's nutritional guidelines

9. When signing the guest book, put down July 4, 1776 for the date

8. Insist that his motorcade drive on the right side of the road.

7g. Make snide references that the Brits might want to think about national dental care

7f. Congratulate them as the nation that brought the world Benny Hill

7e. Urinate on Nelson's Column

7d. When quoting Churchill, "accidentally" refer to him as Winston Bin Laden

7c. Knock the tall hats off the heads of Buckingham Palace guards

7b. Snicker like Beavis and Butthead every time someone mentions the crown jewels

7a. Complain about the weather

6. When spotting Kate Middleton, point and say, "hey, what's Snooki doing here"?

5. Express disappointment that seeing Big Ben turned out to have nothing to do with Ben Roethlisberger

4. In every interview, insist that the American version of "The Office" is superior to the British version

3. Every time a Brit says something, repeat it back in a mocking Cockney accent

2. Always refer to David Cameron as David The Congo

1. Loudly sing lyrics to "My Country Tis of Thee" when "God Save the Queen" starts playing


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Top 11 Reasons to Donate to the Atomizer for Heart Walk 2011

11) Other than trips to the bar fridge to get more ice for his gin, it's likely to be the only exercise he gets all year

10) All of the money Atomizer raises will be earmarked for heart health programs that DO NOT involve curtailing smoking or drinking

9) He's not just a fundraiser for the charity, he's a future customer

8) He refuses to blog anymore until he raises $1,000

7) If you don’t sponsor him, he will move to LA to build a stadium for the Vikings

6) Because the image of a guy smoking two packs of Camels during a Heart Walk is priceless

5) It will excuse you from getting invitations for his Anus Run 2012

4) Someone needs to make up for the fact that the Nihilist is too cheap to pledge

3) Because all the money raised by Atomizer will go toward trying to instill some heart into the Twins

2) Because if you don't, you're a hateful extremist bigot (according to the DFL)

1) He'd pledge for you; that is, if he didn't hate people

But seriously, he's really walking for a charity and you can help. Please donate here.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Top 11 New Names For Lake Calhoun

The Minneapolis Parks Board, in a fit of political correctness is considering renaming lake Calhoun. The lake is currently named after Vice President John C. Calhoun, a supporter of slavery. In an attempt to come up with a more politically correct name, we propose:

11. Lake Wellstone

10. Target Lake (it may not be politically correct, but the naming rights may help solve the city's budget woes)

9. Lake Lenin

8. Two Americas Lake

7. Lake Oppression

6. Mauer Lake

5. Lesbian Lake

4. Sharia Lake

3. Diversity Lake

2. Lake Choice

1. Happy To Pay More For A Better Lake


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Top 11 Reasons Donald Trump Decided Not to Run For President

11. Going to devote his time to investigating this faked moon landing thing President Obama mentioned at the White House correspondent's dinner

10. FEC wouldn't let him choose his running-mate via a reality TV show

9. Found out the President makes a lousy 400 grand – and that’s per year, not per episode

8. Didn't think he could compete with the T-Paw campaign juggernaut

7. Didn't want to subject his hair to the intense media scrutiny of a campaign

6. NBC told him that if he ran he would be replaced with Charlie Sheen on Celebrity Apprentice

5. No one at SNL worthy of doing President Trump

4. Was told he wouldn't be able to change name of the White House to the Trump House

3. Afraid Snooki would enter the race and steal the support of his base

2. Just accepted job offer to become Chief Archivist at Hawaii's Bureau of Birth Certificates instead

1. Wanted to spend more time with his ego


Monday, May 16, 2011

Top 11+ Americans Ahead Of Joe Biden on bin Laden's Assasination List

11. Ron Gardenhire, in an attempt to further demoralize New York

10. Hillary Clinton

9. Hillary Swank

8. Donald Trump

7. Donald Duck

6k. Charlie Sheen

6j. The Old Spice commercial guy

6i. Ron Jeremy

6h. Jerry Falwell

6g. Rebecca Black

6f. Pippa Middleton

6e. Neil Kinnock

6d. Beau Biden

6c. Bo, Obama's Portuguese Water Dog

6b. Socks, Bill Clinton's already deceased cat

6a. The guy who hoarked his copy of Big Jugs

5. Joe Pesci

4. Joe Mayo

3. Joe Camel

2. Joe Dirt

1. Joe the Plumber

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Nihilist Administration Hypothetical: The bin Laden Takedown

One of the frustrating things about the bin Laden killing was watching the Obama administration's gaffes in describing the actual takedown operation. Early accounts placed him with a weapon and using a woman for a shield. Later accounts went back and forth about weather the woman was one of his wifes, then it came out that she wasn't being used as a shield. Next we learned that he wasn't armed, but appeared to be resisting. As if anyone cares why US forces killed the man that any decent American wanted killed (decent Americans obviously excluding Rashard Mendenhal and Rosie O'Donnell).

This situation made me daydream about how the corrections would have gone in a Nihilist administration.

Release 1: Navy seals swarmed the bin Laden compound; he was armed, used a woman as a shield, but the US forces shot him in the face

Release 2: It turns out bin Laden wasn't armed. And he wasn't using the woman as a shield. No big deal, he didn't give any of the people in the world trade center any mercy, so he got what he deserved.

Release 3: US forces broke into the bin Laden compound and found him watching kiddie porn. He begged for his life, denouncing Allah while crying and screaming like a girl. Ultimately he offered to perform fellacio on the US servicemen who shot him in the face in a fit of disgust.