Saturday, December 31, 2005

Are You Ready For The End?

Here we are at the last week of the NFL's regular season, with the good college bowl games taking place too. One last chance for redemption. Especially after a 2-4 week that left me at 44-51-1, with a dismal 2-30 on parlays. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line. Here goes:

Colts -6 1/2 v. Cardinals
Seahawks +3 @ Packers
Patriots -6 v. Dolphins

Notre Dame +4 1/2 v. Ohio State (Fiesta Bowl)
Florida State +9 v. Penn State (Orange Bowl)
Texas +7 1/2 v. Southern Cal (Rose Bowl)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Top 11 Phony Reasons Given to the StarTribune for Canceling My Subscription

I finally cancelled my Star Tribune subscription last week. When they asked me why, I told them, but then regretted it. Why should I help those who hold me in such contempt? If I had to do it all over again, here are the top 11 fake reasons I would give for canceling my subscription:

11. You haven’t won a Pulitzer this millennium.

10. The Isaac Asimov super quiz is too hard.

9. Nick Coleman’s column does not run seven days a week.

8. As a boss, I’m offended by the “Dilbert” cartoon.

7. The guy who does the Saturday blog review article quotes the Flavor Aid Report too much.

6. Paul Douglas is clearly wearing a toupee in his weather page photo.

5. Need more award winning non-partisan commentary by Jim Boyd.

4. Not enough Paris Hilton stories.

3. I’m not insulted enough on the sports pages.

2. You’re completely ignoring “Brokeback Mountain”.

1. Too much dwelling on Minneapolis’ rising crime rate.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Top 11 Stories That Really Aren't True Even Though They "Sound Authentic"

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

My Grocery List

Dozen Eggs
Baking Soda
10 Frozen Tombstone Pizzas
450 boxes of Sudafed
Sour cream
Cheddar cheese
Lots of ham

Top 11 Romantic Nicknames from Garrison Keillor

If you’re like me, you read this post by Saint Paul and asked yourself: “Why can’t I come up with awesome endearing nicknames like Garrison Keillor?” The answer is that you, like me, are not an ultra-smooth wordsmith like Garrison.

Saint Paul quotes the City Pages:
... the troupe's new CD, Oh My! (self-released), recorded at Jason Keillor's Angel Tits studio in Wisconsin. (According to the press release, "Angel Tits" was how Jason's father, Garrison Keillor, addressed Jason's mother in his early love letters.)

I guess I can’t use “Angel Tits” now that Jason Keillor has used it as the name for his recording studio (not that I can blame him). But, I did scour Garrison Keillor’s love letters for his top 11 other romantic nicknames:

11. Holy Hooters

10. Nihil-breasts in Golf Bras

9. Pretty Good Poontang

8. Noam Cha Chas

7. Hairy Backed Swamp Developer

6. Angle Tits (possibly a typo)

5. Brokeback Buns

4. Silicone Satans

3. George W. Bush

2. Above Average Ass

1. Powdermilk Biscuits

UPDATE FOR THE LOS ANGELES TIMES: This post is satire. I did not get any of the above eleven items from Garrison Keillor’s love letters. I would not read Garrison Keillor’s love letters under any circumstances (or for any amount of money).

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Barry Manilow's Take On Brokeback Mountain

Warning - this post contains spoilers. If you want to see Brokeback Mountain and don't want to find out the ending, please skip.

Brokebacabana (At The Brokeback) by Barry Manilow

His name was Ennis
He was a Shepard
With cowboy hat and assless chaps
He should have kept it under wraps
He would merengue and do the cha-cha
And when he'd drink and fall asleep
Jack Twist tended to the sheep
Across the mountain heights
They worked the summer nights
They were young and they had each other
And had rough sex fights

Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
Those gay cowboys, they did some mounting
Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
They felt the passion as they discussed fashion
Up at Brokeback

.... they fell in love
Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain

He was the boss man
He did some firing
When he went to the mountain top
And he saw Ennis getting bopped
And when they finished, he fired them pronto
Later Jack went a bit too far
Gay bashers saw him at a bar
And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was blood and a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
Those gay cowboys, they did some mounting
Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
They felt the passion as they discussed fashion
Up at Brokeback

.... he lost his love

His name was Ennis, he was a shepherd
But that was a long time ago, when closets hid more than clothes
Now gays have pride days, but not our Ennis
Still in the chaps he used to wear, faded feathers in his hair
He sits there so refined, and drinks himself half-blind
He lost his Jack and he lost his family
Taking it from behind!

Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
Those gay cowboys, they did some mounting
Up at Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain
They felt the passion as they discussed fashion
Up at Brokeback

.... don't fall in love
Don't fall in love

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Beatles Weigh In On Brokeback Mountain

One of my favorite Beatles songs is "Get Back," from the album "Let It Be" (also my favorite Beatles album). If Lennon & McCartney had been asked to write a song for Brokeback Mountain, perhaps the lyrics would have been different:


Ennis was a man who claimed that “I’m no homo,”
But we knew it wouldn't last.
Ennis left his home to go up to Wyoming,
where perversion came to pass.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Cowboy no-no! Don‘t go!
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Gay rodeo.

Gyllenhall’s Jack Twist, he thought he was a woman,
but he was another man.
Hot Anne Hathaway would love to give it to him,
'stead, he’ll take it in the can.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Lip smackin' fellas. Wrong zone!
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.
Are you forgetting?
Anne Hathaway's waiting for you.
Wearing her high-heel shoes,
And her low-neck sweater.
Dump her for Heath Ledger?
Brokeback, Brokeback,
Brokeback Mountain’s where you belong.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas From The Crew At NIGP

Here's wishing all of our readers a very Merry Christmas. May you all remember the true meaning of the season: making cheap jokes about Brokeback Mountain.

But seriously, from the entire gang at Nihilist In Golf Pants, have a Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Top 11 Gifts I DON'T Want To Find Under My Tree This Christmas

Time is running out for those last minute Christmas shoppers (you know who you are), but there's still a chance to find that perfect gift. In case anyone is still on the hunt for a present for yours truly, I thought I'd help your search by eliminating a few possible gift ideas.

11. The sheep from the Brokeback Mountain action figure set

10. The Brokeback Mountain "Happy Meal" from McDonalds

9. The Brokeback Mountain Christmas album

8. Fruitcake made from the Brokeback Mountain recipe book

7. Officially licensed Brokeback Mountain union suit with button-up rear access hatch

6. The Brokeback Mountain video game for Xbox with graphics so good that "you almost feel that you're there"

5. Bootleg DVD of quickly made sequel "Brokeback Mountain 2: Electric Boogaloo"

4. Bootleg of special edition "Brokeback Mountain Raw and Uncut" DVD with extra scenes "too hot for the big screen"

3. The "Making of Brokeback Mountain" coffee table book

2. Tickets to the Brokeback Mountain interactive experience at Universal Studios

1. Brokeback Mountain camping set with pup tent and sleeping bag "big enough for two"

Are You Ready To Ignore Your Family And Watch Some Football

Last week I had my heart broken worse than Anne Hathaway's character in Brokeback Mountain, as the Mormons failed to cover by half a point, causing me to post a 4-2 record and lose both parlays. My record now stands at 42-47-1, with a dismal 2-28 parlay record. At least now I am in striking distance of .500. With the halfway decent bowl games this week, I should have some good choices, including an NFL slate chock full of Christmas Eve gamery. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line:

Jaguars -6 @ Texans
Eagles +1 @ Cardinals
Patriots -4 1/2 @ Jets

Arizona State -11 1/2 v. Rutgers (Insight Bowl)
Michigan -12 v. Nebraska (Alamo Bowl)
Oregon -3 v. Oklahoma (Holiday Bowl)

Friday, December 23, 2005

Top 11 Lyrics from the Brokeback Mountain Christmas Album

11. Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la la la la la! (Tis the Season to Be Jolly)

10. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay! (Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas)

9. Christmas Eve is coming soon; now, you dear old man
Whisper what you'll bring to me; tell me if you can!
(Jolly Old St. Nicholas)

8. Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap, let's go! (Sleigh Ride)

7. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire;
Jack Frost nipping at your nose! (The Christmas Song)

6. And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie 's a hand o' thine! (Auld Lang Syne)

5. On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
Ten lords a leaping! (12 Days of Christmas)

4. Down thru' the chimney with good Saint Nick!
(Up on the Housetop)

3. We want some figgy pudding,
Please bring it right here! (We Wish you a Merry Christmas)

2. Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night! (Must Be Santa)

1. Thumpetty thump thump, thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go! (Frosty the Snowman)

Top 11 Children’s Christmas Presents that Might Offend Conservative Parents (in red) or Liberal Parents (in blue)

11. Dora the ANWR Oil Explorer

10. Sponge Bob War Protester

9. NSA Li’l’ wiretapper kit

8. EZ-Bake Meth lab

7. Rush Limbaugh Junior pharmacy kit

6. New York Times Li’l’ leaker diapers

5. Fisher Price electric chair

4. Anatomically correct Brokeback Mountain action figures

3. G.I. Joe torture kit complete with Ashlee Simpson CD

2. Junior eco-terrorist Lego tree spike

1. Bob the Wal-Mart Builder


I hereby declare a moratorium on any Powerline writer using the headline "Meet The New Boss". Since PL's inception a few years back, Scott himself has probably used this title 23 times in various ways and it's about enough.

Yes, The Who, rock and roll music. We get it. We grew up on the classic rock and I cringe every time I see this phrase. Why not pull some other boomer-era lyrics out of the mothballs once in a while?

Which is why I have come up with a nice Top 11 list for Scott and the boys to use in future posts.

Top 11 Classic Rock Lyrics For Use In Powerline Headlines:

11. "Some stupid with a flare gun" Smoke On The Water--Deep Purple
10. "I like smokin' lightnin'" Born To Be Wild--Steppenwolf
09. "Can't you smell that smell?" The Smell--Lynyrd Skynyrd
08. "Boogie tonight just keep on tokin'" Smokin'--Boston
07. "Give to me your leather" Leather and Lace--Stevie Nicks
06. "You aint seen nothin' til you're down on a muffin" Walk This Way--Aerosmith
05. "You can't catch me, cause the rabbit gone and died" Walk This Way--Aerosmith
04. "Here I come again now baby like a dog in heat" Stranglehold--Ted Nugent
03. "Squeeze my lemon" The Lemon Song--Led Zeppelin
02. "Cause there aint no one for to give you no pain" Horse With No Name--America
01. "I'm goin' up the country baby don't you wanna go?" Goin' Up The Country--Canned Heat

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Top 11 New Titles For Gay Westerns

We all know how Hollywood jumps on the bandwagon of a hit with their own copycat version and considering how well Brokeback Mountain has done, here are some suggested titles for new Gay Westerns:

11. The Wild Butt
10 The Magnificient Seven (Year-old-boy)
09. Bath Home On The Range
08. Jeremiah's Johnson
07. The Ox-Man Incident
06. The Man Who Blew Liberty Valance
05. My Darling Clem
04. Once Upon a Time In My Pants
03. A Fistful of Back Hair
02. Pale Rump Rider
01. The Great Train Buggery

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Top 11 Legitimate Quotes (And Illegitimate Snarky Comments) From Brokeback Mountain

Ladies and gentlemen, all of these are legitimate. Also of note, one of the lovers is named Jack Twist, the other is named Ennis (not sure if it's a hard or soft E sound - pun intended) Del Mar. Quotes to left, snarky comments in parentheses:

11. If you're looking for work, I suggest you get in here pronto! (Boss man points to his rear pocket)

10. Well, since we're going to be working together, I reckon it's time we start drinkin' together. (The date rape drug's not just for chicks)

9. It's nobody's business but ours. (Then why make a movie about it?)

8. Gonna do this again next summer? (Or are you rushing out to the bath houses right away?)

7. You know it could be like this, always. (If enough Dems get elected)

6. I wish I knew how to quit you. (We agree)

5. Girls don't fall in love with fun. (If destroying the cowboy movie isn't enough, now Ang Lee's attacking the wisdom of Cindy Lauper)

4. You don't go up there to fish. (Although you play with your rods)

3. You boys sure found a way to make time pass up there. (Maybe they should have brought a deck of cards)

2. You have no idea how bad it gets. (This doubles as a movie review)

1. I ain't no queer. (Apparently you are)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Top 11 Most Obsequious Things I Said to Suck Up to John Hinderaker at Saturday's MOB Event

11. You could kick Jim Boyd’s ass any day of the week.

10. Do you ever get tired of carrying Mirengoff and Johnson?

9. When's your next media appearance?

8. Will you sign this copy of Time magazine for me?

7. That's such a great picture of you on the PowerLine info page.

6. You were right all along on the Kelo decision.

5. You're by far the funniest host on the NARN show.

4. I'll only consider seeing Brokeback Mountain if the main characters are named Hindrocket and the Big Trunk.

3. Buckhead gets way too much credit – in my book it was all Power Line.

2. I still believe the Democrats wrote the Terry Schiavo memo

1. I'm better than all the rest of these people too!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Top 11 Answers I would Like to Hear George W. Bush Give to the “What is Your Worst Mistake as President?” Question

In today’s George W. Bush press conference, John Roberts of CBS once again asked the Mainstream Media’s favorite question for President Bush: “What is your biggest mistake as President?” Here are the top 11 responses I would like to see W give:

11. Failing to have WMDs planted in Iraq after the invasion.

10. Not secretly buying more Halliburton stock at the start of the second term.

9. Meeting with Cindy Sheehan the first time.

8. Listening to the secret wiretaps of Garrison Keillor – that guy is just as boring in real life as he is on his show.

7. Clearing brush while wearing assless chaps.

6. Eating that extra burrito last night.

5. Not pushing hard enough for the Sisyphus tax credit.

4. Failing to use our secret Hurricane Deflection Machine to send Katrina into Cuba.

3. Complimenting John Hinderaker on a Power Line post that was actually written by Scott Johnson.

2. Mispronouncing the word “nuclear”.

1. Being an evil smirking McChimp Hitler wannabe.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Are You Ready For Minor Tier Bowl Games?

Last week was close. I posted a 3-2-1 record and was one game away from winning either parlay. I'm now sitting at 38-45-1, with a parlay record of 2-26. This week I've got college football back, as the minor tier bowls begin. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line:

Chargers +7 1/2 v. Colts
Dolphins -7 1/2 v. Jets
Eagles +3 @ Rams

BYU +6 1/2 v. California (Las Vegas Bowl)
Southern Mississippi +16 1/2 v. Arkansas State (New Orleans Bowl)
Navy -2 v. Colorado State (Poinsettia Bowl)

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Top 11 Reasons the Minneapolis City Council Refuses to Rescind the Smoking Ban

We do sometimes do top 11 list requests. This list was requested by Marcus Aurelius of Clearing the Air.

11. The council members wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that someone might be being forced into a smoky bar at gunpoint.

10. Manhattan doesn’t allow smoking in bars and New York has more tourism and less crime than Minneapolis.

9. Bob Moffitt has videotape of key council members endorsing George W. Bush.

8. Brokeback Mountain (This has nothing to do with the smoking ban – we’re just emulating the Mainstream Media by mentioning it as often as possible.)

7. Don’t want to do anything that might upset the StarTribune editorial board.

6. Don’t want to dilute “the right to choose” by allowing choices that merely have a small chance of killing someone.

5. They’ve been afraid of cigars ever since they got Bill Clinton into trouble.

4. Studies show that it is healthier to live in a smoke-free homeless shelter than work in a smoky bar.

3. The council believes that the smoking ban will reduce crime in Minneapolis by shunting off the degenerate smokers on St. Paul.

2. Hitler smoked, didn’t he?

1. Slippery Slope: If smoking is allowed in bars the next thing you know we’ll be allowing people to bicycle while wearing headphones and before you know it Minneapolis will have the same freedoms as communist China – BUT EVERYONE WILL BE DEAD!!!

Friday, December 16, 2005

PowerLine Style Media Alert

The Nihilist In Golf Pants will be appearing on the Taxpayer's League Live from 9 am - 12 noon tomorrow at AM 1280 The Patriot. The 9-10 am slot is the most likely place to find me as I will be reinacting a scene from Brokeback Mountain with David Strom.

Top 11 Democratic Party/Mainstream Media Responses to the Successful Iraqi Elections

11. Iraqis were tricked into thinking that they were going to see a free advance screening of “Brokeback Mountain”.

10. This election thing is all well and good, but what does it have to do with the Viking’s Sex Boat Scandal?

9. Iraqis were assured that if they elected enough Democrats they could impeach Bush.

8. It was their way of showing support for the insurgents – by providing them targets.

7. The only reason Iraqis showed up at the polls was the hope of catching a glimpse of Joe Biden.

6. Bush lied about WMDs.

5. The polling stations were the only place they could get their thumbs dyed a fashionable purple.

4. Hitler was also democratically elected.

3. Bruce Springsteen music was piped in to all polling stations.

2. They’re living in Iraq, what else do they have to do?

1. Election? What election?

Top 11 Upcoming Hugh Hewitt Libels

On his Thursday show, Hugh Hewitt was forgiving enough to ask Governor Tim Pawlenty to pardon us (and Fraters Libertas) for allegedly libeling him. Although T-Paw didn’t immediately grant the pardon, we’re sure it’s just a matter of filing the proper paperwork. In the mean time, we’ll take advantage of our clean slate to come up with a fresh set of Hugh Hewitt libels:

11. We have documents (authenticated by Mary Mapes) proving that Hugh Hewitt and Art Modell are the same person.

10. The Fetching Mrs. Hewitt is none other than Paris Hilton.

9. He gave Lileks his first few Hummels for free to get him hooked. Now Hugh makes ten grand a month off his habit.

8. There is no Chapman University Law School – Hugh just made it up when he decided to pretend to be a law professor.

7. Hugh turned down the opportunity to play one of the gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain – but only because the studio refused to cast Al Franken as his co-star.

6. In every Presidential election since 1976, Hugh has written in Richard Nixon.

5. Generalissimo Duane keeps hidden, as an insurance policy, tape of Hugh asking: “Who’s this Shakes-whatever guy David Allen White keeps yapping about?”

4. The real reason Hugh misses so many shows: He’s following Canned Heat around on tour.

3. The Hugh Hewitt show interns are actually Al Qaeda detainees supplied by the CIA. All have cracked in less than a day.

2. The only reason he went to Harvard is that he lacked the hockey knowledge to get into the University of Minnesota.

1. Hugh is from Warren, Ohio.

Apprentice Finale

The interesting thing about the show "The Apprentice," is it bucks the trend of reality TV where being a loser makes you a star. The Real World set the standard, casting the drunkest, most immature and most flamboyantly gay people they could possibly find as entertainment. Other reality shows follow suit by having their contestants eat bugs or touch Paris Hilton.

While the Apprentice doesn't entirely shy away from losers in ridiculous situations, by the time you get to the final two you end up with a pair of young professionals with intelligence and drive. So tonight it boiled down to Randall and Minnesota's own Rebecca. Either appears to have much to contribute to a successful organization.

The ads for the finale all mentioned a big surprise. So when no surprise had been unveiled 100 minutes into the two-hour finale, it was an easy call to see that Trump would offer both of them a job. At least that's what one veteran reality TV watcher thought.

At the end, Trump offered a job to Randall. This came as little surprise. Randall is an entrepreneur and Rhodes Scholar with a degree from MIT, as well as other top colleges.

Then Trump asked Randall whether he should hire Rebecca as well. Randall, who exhibits a calm demeanor, showed that he is one cold blooded SOB, saying "NO"!

Actually, I think Rebecca might be the big winner here. She comes out looking highly marketable, and doesn't get the booby prize of having to see the Donald's hair (or ego) at work every day.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Top 11 Reasons To Attend Saturday's MOB Event At Keegan's Pub

On the off chance you haven't heard, Keegan's Pub is hosting the semi-annual MOB event this Saturday from 5 pm to the wee hours of the night. Keegan's is located on University Avenue, just west of Hennepin. There is no charge to attend, although the food and drink will be at Keegan's affordable prices. Here are the top 11 things you could see or do when you stop by:

11. Tell the Nihilist and Sisyphus how wonderful they are.

10. Enjoy a delicious Keegan's Cobb Salad, washed down with a Guinness Stout.

9. Possibly see Sisyphus and Deacon fight over British Premier League Soccer (if Deacon has the guts to show up.

8. Check out the admiring harem around Brian "St. Paul" Ward (not recommended for fans of Brokeback Mountain).

7. Meet the US Congressional District 6 Republican hopefuls that stop by to suck up to the bloggers.

6. Possibly see an old-school pose-down between JB Doubtless and Mitch Berg.

5. Guess who's older: Cap'n Fishsticks or Terry Keegan.

4. Dispel yourself of the notion that Learned Foot is "a very good-looking guy!" .

3. See Atomizer out-drink men three times his size (unfortunately, that means men over 250 lbs).

2. Lileks has agreed to buy a free drink to any adult male shorter than him.

1. Find out which experimental theater production Mitch recommends for the family this Christmas!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Halliburton Update

On George Bush’s Inauguration Day, January 20, 2005, I purchased 100,000 shares of Halliburton at $41.62 in an attempt to cash in on the war. That investment has been a major success with Halliburton closing at 65.94 on Tuesday.

But how does Halliburton’s return compare to other possible investments? Let’s compare it to two common benchmarks: The S&P 500 and the Nihilist’s football picks.

First Halliburton:
My initial investment of $4,160,000 is now worth $6,594,000, a profit of $2,434,000 or 58%.

An equal investment in an S&P 500 Index fund would now be worth $4,487,832.89, a profit of $327,832.89 or 7.8%.

An investor betting $37,160.71 on each of the Nihilist’s weekly football picks, plus the same amount on each parlay, would have bet a total of $4,160,000. That investment would now be worth $3,050,556.82, a loss of $1,111,433.18 or -27%.

The chart below demonstrates just how brilliant I was to invest in Halliburton as opposed to the other options. (Although, note that an investment in the Nihilist’s football picks does break even before the football season starts.)

Always 95 And Sunny In His Neck Of The Woods

James is pictured here with his new invention (and soon to appear in the new J. Peterman catalog), The Crime? What crime? Urban Blinders. City dwellers can now go about their safe, stylized lives without having to worry about nagging social problems like crime.

Brokebutt Mountain: An Early Review

Warning: This post contains spoilers.

First of all, this reviewer is biased against gay cowboy movies. For a more fair review, you may want to look somewhere else. OK, here goes:

It's the 1960's, and two cowboys are out on a sheep drive in the mountains of Wyoming. They talk of their love of Liberace and Little Richard around the nightly campfire. One night, they find each other getting familiar with the sheep when they each thought the other was sleeping. As the sheep don't like this and often kick and bite them, they decide to take their energies out on each other. They pretend that it was a mistake, but of course they are sick perverts and give it to each other for the first half of the movie, despite the fact that they are married to the decent looking Michelle Williams and the smoking hot Anne Hathaway.

The men cope with their forbidden desire, and one of the men leaves ranching to pursue other professional interests (I'm not sure, but I think he becomes a cop or construction worker). After a few years they reunite and decide to be true to themselves. They then found the Village People.

Overall, one is left wondering if there is any entertainment out there for anyone who isn't one sick bastard. Maybe next week I'll go to Transamerica. It sounds like some sort of racing movie.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

How To Win A Major Award

Nobel Prize (Physics, Chemistry, Medicine) – Make a major contribution to expanding knowledge in Physics, Chemistry or Medicine.

Nobel Prize (Peace, Literature) – Hate America.

Golden Globe/Academy Award – Make or star in a movie about gay cowboys.

Pulitzer Prize – Don’t work for the StarTribune

Rock Solid In The Blogosphere – Produce consistently excellent blog posts and occasionally suck up to Sisyphus.

Grammy – Who cares?

Arthur Ross media award by the American Academy of Diplomacy – produce commentary that is critical, perceptive and non-partisan commentary on the policies of governments and international organizations, reflecting exhaustive research, a willingness to tell truth to power and a consistent appreciation for the importance of cooperation among nations.

As Long As They Get Their Bananas

Mitch Berg, Lileks and Minneapolis mayor RT Rybak discuss crime in the city.

Monday, December 12, 2005

SAB Finally settled

Learned "Rock and Roll Saved My Soul" Foot over at the KAR thinks the Elder was mistaken
in his noting that local media celebrity James Lileks looks like actor John Fielder. He sees more Bob Balaban in the talented scribe.

Being the go-along-to-get-along kind of guy that I am, I see it as a FOUR way tie. Lileks, the two above mentioned actors and...

But that's just me.

Where James Wasn't Last Night

It was apparently a quiet night in the lavish, well-heeled (or is that healed?) Lakes Area of MPLS last night. Butlers were sent out to fetch pizza. Chaffeurs transported their patrons to the hardware store for hinges. Chambermaids scrubbed the solariums. A child prodigy practiced Keith Jarret compositions on the family grand.

But in a less-desirable part of the city, there was yet another shooting:

Police investigate triple shooting on I-94
Star Tribune
December 12, 2005

An early morning shooting on Interstate Hwy. 94 left three people wounded and their car riddled with bullets. Minneapolis police are searching for suspects from a second car from which the shots were fired.

The driver of the bullet-riddled car managed to exit I-94 near Hiawatha Avenue and drive to the Rainbow Foods on 26th Av. S. KSTP-TV reported that the car was hit 15 times.

The initial call for help shortly before 1 a.m., mentioned that a person was shot. What police found were two women and a man who needed medical attention, police said. Their injuries were not life-threatening.

Minneapolis police said two vehicles were involved in the shooting. They are searching for a motive as well as suspects, they said. Minnesota State Patrol authorities are assisting with the investigation.

The shooting did not appear to be random, according to police spokesman Officer Ron Reier.

It brings up a philosphical question...if a poor person (or three) is gunned down near Lake Street, does anyone hear it?

Top 11 Changes Disney Has In Store for “Winnie the Pooh”

Disney is “updating” Winnie the Pooh by replacing Christopher Robin with “a six-year old tomboyish girl.” This change is only the tip of the iceberg. Here are the top 11 changes that Disney has in store for Pooh:

11. Global warming will force Pooh and the gang to move from Hundred Acre Wood to ANWR where they will be constantly menaced by Halliburton oil exploration engineers.

10. Piglet will join PETA

9. Pooh and Tigger will marry and become gay cowboys.

8. Eeyore will convert to Islam and teach the gang tolerance towards the Religion of Peace.

7. Rabbit will apologize to Jimmy Carter for attacking him back in 1979.

6. Roo will die of second hand smoke.

5. Pooh and Tigger will get into a big debate over whether they should live in the city or suburbs.

4. Pooh will discover that he is a wizard and enroll in Hogwarts school.

3. Instead of honey, Pooh will become obsessed with tofu.

2. Tigger will go on Ritalin.

1. The six year old tomboyish girl’s single mother will be voiced by Paris Hilton.

Beating Rush Limbaugh To The Punch

On Sunday, the Minneapolis StarTribune published this editorial cartoon by Walt Handelsman, suggesting that Hillary Rodham Clinton had "drifted too far to the right." To illustrate that fact, the cartoonist drew Hillary with an elephant's trunk for a nose.

First of all, the assertion that Hillary is too far to the right is absurd. Unlike our local deity Wellstone, her voting record reflects some understanding of compromises required to get stuff done. Nevertheless, it is still plenty liberal.

However, most laughable is the idea that if Hillary had elephantine features, that her nose would be the most prominent one. I'd suggest Mr. Handelsman should look at the other end of the elephant to find a match.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Are You Ready To Double Up On The Pros?

Last week was bad, I went 2-4 to extend my record to 35-43 with a 2-24 parlay record. Since there are no college games this weekend I'm stuck with only the pros to handicap. Let's turn things around. Lots of road dogs are getting lots of points this week. Some will win outright, many will cover. Here's a double dip of parlays. The line as always is from USA Today's Opening Line:

Bears +4 1/2 @ Steelers
Texans +6 1/2 @ Titans
Ravens +14 @ Broncos

Chiefs +3 @ Cowboys
Dolphins 13 1/2 @ Chargers
Saints +10 @ Falcons

Nihilist In Golf Pants Christmas Greeting

After writing about President Bush's "Holiday" greeting card, I thought I would show him how a proper Christmas greeting should be done:

The entire Nihilist In Golf Pants family wishes you a joyous and healthy Christmas season!

Take time to remember the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, who established his one true church nearly 2,000 years ago.

If you are an Evangelical Christian or member of any protestant denomination, you understand the importance of this season. You just missed being correct by a very small margin, but peace and goodwill to you anyway.

If you are Mormon, we don't really understand what makes you different from protestant Christians. Anyway, good luck to BYU in their minor tier bowl game.

If you are Jewish, we at NIGP disapprove of those who hold a grudge because you killed Jesus. We understand none of you were alive at that time. So enjoy spinning your tops and lighting your candles!

If you are an atheist, you will die and it's over, so good luck with that.

If you are agnostic, get some balls and choose a side.

If you are Buddhist, Hindu, or Shinto, we don't know anything at all about you and like it that way. That's not a bad thing, it's just the way it is. Enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate.

If you are a Muslim, listen up. We understand that 99+ percent of you aren't terrorists. But we'd just like to see a little more condemnation of terroristic activities committed by the minority of Muslims. Help us out here!

If you are a Wicca or worship some sort of Klingon deity, lets face it. Your religion is dumb.

If you are a Scientologist or some other cult, you are being ripped off! Get deprogrammed immediately!

If you didn't see your religion listed here, I'm guessing you belong in the cult category. Either that or your religion doesn't really resonate in America. Sorry!

But seriously, Merry Christmas to all from all of us at Nihilist In Golf Pants!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Top 11 Holiday Greetings From President Bush

There was a minor kerfuffle over the fact that President and Mrs. Bush sent out cards this year wishing constituents a happy "Holiday Season" rather than a "Merry Christmas." I personally don't understand what all the fuss is about. Obviously, not everyone to whom Bush sends these cards observes Christmas. Even if the vast majority do, what's wrong with using a more inclusive generic message?

Perhaps the fuss is over the hypocrisy of the Bush administration claiming that they don't want to send out specific messages to every religious group in America. However, the fact is the Bush administration has bent over backwards to issue a holiday greetings for nearly every religious holiday out there. Here are the top eleven holidays for which Bush has issued a greeting:

11. Thanksgiving
10. Christmas
9. Hanukkah
8. Ramadan
7. Passover
6. Eid al-Adha
5. Rash Hashanah
4. Holodomor Observance
3. Nowruz
2. Eid al-Fitr
1. Kwanzaa

I guess that the good news is that Bush has not yet issued a proclamation in honor of any Klingon Holidays. Yet being the key word.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Top 11 Excuses Rich MPLS Conservatives Make For High Crime In The City

11. Better access to postcard collections of deceased victims
10. Blood splatter in the snow resembles Mondrian's early work
09. Rapist's wit can disarm even the most ferocious criminals
08. Ability to run really really fast if necessary
07. Situation no worse than Mogadishu circa 1993
06. Floating a few bodies in moat keeps out riff-raff
05. Fun to peek over mansion wall and cry "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"
04. Keeping head in sand good for complexion
03. Pizza delivery man takes threats more seriously when
improperly-sauced pizzas arrive
02. Criminals are known to be avid newspaper readers
01. Crime? Who the hell cares? Beats living in North Dakota

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Top 11 Ways to Bring Mitch and JB Together

Mitch and JB are at it again. It pains me to see two of the top conservatives in Minnesota at such loggerheads. Here are the top 11 ways the two can be brought together:

11. A SHeDAISY concert at Qwest
10. Mitch could invite JB over to target shoot drug dealers from his kitchen window.
9. A Shopping excursion to the Midway Wal-Mart.
8. JB could demonstrate to Mitch that suburban bars also receive liquor shipments.
7. Both could move to a first ring suburb where the ennui is merely soul-denting.
6. JB could put on body armor and then walk across Midway after sundown. If he survived the trek he would probably be more understanding of Mitch.
5. They could open a Korean-Somalian Bar and Grill in Stillwater together.
4. JB could come over to help Mitch paint his house purple with green polka-dots and orange trim.
3. Perhaps there is a good country band with bagpipes that they would both find listenable.
2. Bring in Learned Foot to moderate.
1. A couple of rounds of JB’s Holiday Bracers.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Top 11 People or Groups Angry About The Kalamazoo Promise

Last week I posted on a wonderful philanthropic activity called the Kalamazoo Promise, where private donors promised to pay for 65% to 100% or more of the college tuition for qualified graduates of local Kalamazoo high schools.

However, one of the great truths of life is that those who do good will upset a lot of people. Here are the top 11 people or groups angry about the Kalamazoo Promise:

11. Students and parents who live in adjacent school districts

10. Dumb kids who can't meet the college requirements

9. Kalamazoo kids who dreamed of attending private or out-of-state colleges

8. Families that recently moved out of the school district

7. Charities who thought they might get a shot at the largesse

6. Student Loan companies that will lose business

5. Parents of kids at local private schools who've already shelled out a lot of money

4. The local teachers' union who will claim they didn't have enough resources, and now will face more classroom overcrowding due to decreasing drop-out rates

3. The heirs to the anonymous donors

2. Really rich people in nearby towns, who will get nagged about why they didn't establish a similar fund

1. Kalamazoo high schools class of 2005, the last class that didn't qualify for the scholorships

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Light Blogging

Was just recovering from Repeal of Prohibition Day when I discovered JB’s Holiday Bracer.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Top 11 Democratic Strategies For The War In Iraq

Last week, President Bush unveiled his strategic plan for the war in Iraq. In the interests of fairness and equal time, we believe that the Democrats should have a chance to present their plans as well. And so we offer, The Top 11 Democratic Strategies For The War In Iraq:

11. Bravely run away

10. Beat it

9. Redeploy

8. Skedaddle

7. Hightail it

6. Bail out

5. Head for the hills

4. Skonker off

3. Leave the scene

2. Surrender (sorry that's the French strategy for the war in Iraq)

1. Bug out

It's unfortunate that Joe Lieberman's strategy of stickin' and winnin' did not make the list.

Never Again

Today marks the 72nd anniversary of the ratification of the 21st amendment repealing prohibition. We now take our constitutional right to booze it up for granted, but are we sure that prohibition could never happen again? Thanks to Al Capone and the other Roaring 20’s gangsters, prohibition is generally regarded as a failure (Capone et. al. have never gotten their due for this) but our society is once again trending in the direction of prohibition. Consider the blind eye turned towards the smoking ban induced bar closures in Hennepin County.

What are we to do if the trend continues and the health-Nazis succeed in repealing the 21st amendment? Here is what H. L. Mencken did at the onset of the first prohibition according to Terry Teachout’s excellent biography, "The Skeptic: A Life of H. L. Mencken".

Mencken responded to Prohibition by selling his car and using the proceeds to purchase a large stock of “the best wines and liquors I could find,” stored in a homemade basement vault whose door bore a custom-painted sign emblazoned with a skull and crossbones: “This vault is protected by a device releasing Chlorine Gas under 200 pounds pressure. Enter it at your own risk.”

If the worst happens, my sign won’t be a bluff.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Memo To Best Buy

1. No, I don’t want a magazine subscription.
2. No, you can’t have my phone number.
3. I will not be filling out your online survey so don’t give me that three mile long receipt.

Q & A for the Reader’s Rep

I realize that I haven’t been doing much in my roll as Reader’s Rep lately, but the truth is, this blog receives very few complaints and those that we do receive are baseless. Nevertheless, I suppose I should justify my title, so here is my response to some lame reader questions:

Q: Should you be posting the communiqués from Karl Rove? They seem like they should be kept from the liberals.
Hugh H. – Yorba Linda, CA
A: Don’t worry, liberals don’t read this blog.

Q: I don’t read you guys anymore. I only read the Wall Street Journal.
Jordan M. – Watertown, NY
A: It’s because we started occasionally posting photos, isn’t it? I told the Nihilist we should continue to follow the WSJ’s example and shun this new-fangled photography.

Q: Why do you still have Jennifer Garner’s name misspelled as “Jennifer Gardner [sic]” in this post, even though I’ve repeatedly brought the error to your attention. Fix it now!
Jay B. – Rochester, NY
A: I was going to make the correction until I saw how many hits we got from people googling “Jennifer Gardner”. I think that these may be from Ben Affleck, himself. Hi, Ben!

Q: The Nihilist in Golf Pants printed an e-mail from homeless man Leon. How did Leon get the Nihilist’s e-mail address given that you don’t publish your e-mail addresses? The Nihilist in Golf Pants could be the next Jayson Blair!
Fuzzy N. – Woodbury, MN
A: Not at all. Leon knows the Nihilists’s e-mail address because he is an old college friend.

Q: What was da source for dose state by state hooker rankings?
Jesse V. – Cambridge, MA
A: Don't worry Governor, the Nihilist will go to jail to protect our source.

Q: That song “You’re So Vain” is not about you. You were only five when it came out and back then parents kept their children away from pop stars.”
Mom – Tahiti
A: We never make any mistakes here. We stand by our story.

Q: Isn’t this just a blatant rip-off of the Kool-Aid Report’s Frequently Asked Questions bit?
Learned F. – Apple Valley, CA
A: No

Promises, Promises

Pioneer Press Columnist Mark Yost stirred up a hornet's nest when he suggested that the mainstream media was delinquent on their coverage of good news in Iraq. But Yost's accusation doesn't go far enough. The MSM doesn't want to report any good news. This isn't just a criticism that they are biased against the Republican administration and are therefore deep-sixing good economic data. I'm suggesting that journalists are primarily a bunch of whiners who seek to complain, belittle and afflict others with their opinions, rather than to report events or, God forbid, highlight possible solutions to problems.

Case in point: how many of you have heard of a program called the Kalamazoo Promise? Probably very few. I Googled the term and the only major media outlet to cover it was MSNBC.
For those who haven't heard of the program here is their summary:

Basically, a group of very rich people in the Kalamazoo area wanted to do something to improve the college opportunities for kids who attended K-zoo public schools. So they chipped in a few hundred million dollars and created a program where any Kalamazoo high school graduate who spent at least four consecutive years in the school district would receive a scholarship paying between 65% and 100% of tuition to any Michigan public or community college over the four years following high-school graduation (with deferment for those who join the military - not sure how they coordinate this with the GI Bill, but that's incidental). The payment would work on a sliding scale, depending on how many years the student attended the district. There are also some eligibility criteria, including taking at least 12 credit hours with a 2.0 GPA each semester in college.

Since Michigan's state college system is debatably the best in America, this scholorship would provide students with tremendous value.

Anyone can sit back and pontificate on the importance of education or the shortcomings of public schools. However, few who do this complaining do what these anonymous donors did. A program like this will revitalize a mediocre school district and provide hundreds of kids with an opportunity the would not have had otherwise.

This is truly commendable. To everyone but the mainstream media.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Are You Ready For The Last Week Of College Football

Last week I was 4-2 and won my NFL turkey-day based parlay to improve my dismal record to 33-39, with a 2-22 parlay record. Let's try to get another win. As usual, lines per USA Today's opening line:

Navy -7 v. Army in Philadelphia
UCLA +22 @ Southern Cal
West Virginia -8 @ South Florida

Packers +7 @ Bears
Lions +3 v. Vikings
Broncos pick @ Chiefs

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Day in the Life

I see prolific local blogger Mitch Berg expects a light posting day today due to a busy schedule. Senior officials within his house have leaked his to-do list for today.

1) 6 AM - attend an experimental breakfast theater presentation of Bertold Brecht's "Caucasian Chalk Circle" done in pig Latin in the basement of the local artist co-op

2) 9:30 AM - return home, patch bullet holes in house from previous nights' drive-by

3) 11:00 AM - basouki practice

4) 12:30 PM - lunch buffet at the Nepalese Yak Shack.

5) 1:30 - return home, chase drug dealers out of alley

6) 2:00 - write thank you letter to Johnny Rotten for saving my life in 1978.

7) 3:00 - attend organizational meeting for "Republican Victory in St. Paul 2046"

8) 4:30 - return home, chase thieves out of basement

9) 5:00 - listen to the Hugh Hewitt show, hosted by Jed Babbin

10) 8:00 - dinner at Eritrea's Original Sports Bar

11) 10:00 - Return home, chase local gang bangers down street. Fall asleep to Bruce Springsteen's "Ghost of Tom Joad" album.

Top 11 Things That Should Be Renamed For Paul & Sheila Wellstone

I may be alone among rightie bloggers in thinking that we actually haven't renamed enough things after the late Senator and Mrs. Wellstone. A couple of measly schools don't do justice to their legacy. Some have gone so far as to argue that Sheila Wellstone shouldn't get her name on anything at all, as Paul was the senator and his exploits won fame and notoriety for the Wellstone name. I disagree heartily, after all both were equally effective in passing meaningful legislation to improve America. Here are the top 11 things that should be renamed in their honor:

11. Carleton College should become "Wellstone College".

10. Duluth International Airport should become "Wellstone International Airport".

9. The Olson Memorial Highway should become the "Wellstone Memorial Highway" - first of all, this would piss off David Strom. Secondly, compared to the Wellstones, Floyd Olson is Sean Hannity.
8. Lake Calhoun should become "Lake Wellstone" (this has really been proposed).

7. The new light rail line is still yet to be named. The "Wellstone Line" would reflect their support of public transportation.

6. The Minnesota Vikings have a championship tradition of success similar to the senator's legislative track record. How appropriate it would be to call them the "Minnesota Wellstones".

5. Teachers Union Educate Minnesota would be more truthfully dubbed "Wellstonize Minnesota".

4. A Brother's Touch Bookstore could be renamed "Wellstone's Touch Bookstore," to reflect their appeal to those of alternative lifestyles.

3. I'm sure that Planned Parenthood could rename one of their clinics the "Sheila Wellstone Abortion Clinic." After all, the Wellstones were staunch supporters of a woman's right to choose and fought hard to prevent any husband's right to input on such momentous decisions.

2. Minnesota State Income Tax Form M1 would appropriately reflect the state's tax levels if it were called "Minnesota State Income Tax Form Wellstone1".

1. If the Minneapolis StarTribune changed it's name to the Minneapolis Daily Wellstone, it would more accurately reflect the content of its coverage.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Am Not So Vain

In the Sisyphus Open Thread™ over at the Kool-Aid Report, I asserted my deeply held belief that the song “You’re So Vain” is about me. I think it’s about time I responded to the charges made in the song:

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht

What she “forgot” to mention was that the party was, in fact, on a yacht.

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

That really is a good look on me, isn’t it?

Your scarf it was apricot

So sue me, apricot just happens to be my color.

You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte

Gavotte? Is that French? Now who’s being pretentious?

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and
You know it babe.

You're so vain
Am not.

You probably think this song is about you

Well it is, isn’t it?

You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you

Even if this song weren’t about me (which it is) wrongly thinking that it was about me would be more paranoia than vanity. Someone should buy you a dictionary (an English dictionary).

Don't you? Don't you?
Well, yes. Well, yes.

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Who’s the naïve one. I’m the one who had a singer-songwriter who then went on to libel me in a hit song.

Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave

Okay, I admit I was just trying to get into your pants. And, I wasn’t exactly under oath at the time. I bet you defend Clinton for lying about “only sex”. Don’t you? Don’t you? Hypocrite.

But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me

Would you rather I traded you for a carton of cigarettes?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and
How many times did I tell you to clean your coffee maker?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and
Again about the coffee.

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won


Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia

Actually it’s a BBJ, which is a far superior aircraft.

To see the total eclipse of the sun

Oh, I get it; you’re upset that I didn’t invite you along to see the eclipse. Well, the BBJ only seats 50.

Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy

Who told you about Valerie Plame? Expect a subpoena.

Or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and
I wouldn’t call Michael Douglas a close friend.

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Yada, yada, yada. Get over it.

Top 11 People Who Had The Worst Thanksgiving Week

11. George W. Bush, who received the following endorsement from 50 Cent:

He's is incredible. . . A gangster. I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him.

10. Oregon Ducks fans, whose team will probably be left out of the BCS, despite a 10-1 season

9. Orlando Wal*Mart shoppers, who missed out on deeply discounted computers in a near riot.

8. The Minnesota Golden Gopher basketball team, who lost an early season tune-up game to would-be patsy Gardner-Webb.

7. Priest wannabees with homosexual tendencies, who the Vatican shut out with a restrictive new policy.

6. Illegal immigrants, who won't get amnesty under the President's new plan.

5. Steve Mariucci, who was fired after never being able to outsmart Mike Tice.

4. Paul Martin, whose Canuck government got a no confidence vote.

3. Nick Lachey, whose smokin' hot wife left him on Thanksgiving.

2. Rachel of The Real World: Austin, who admits she wets the bed when drunk in the previews to next weeks outtakes episode.

1. Johanna of the Real World: Austin, who admits she is dating ugly and uncouth Wes during last night's reunion show.