Sunday, August 31, 2008

Top 11 Names Sarah Palin Almost Gave Her Children

We at NIGP love John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin for running mate. Her conservative bona fides are excellent, as is her reputation as a reformer. There is only one issue that concerns us regarding her judgement. She gave her children the following goofy names: Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow and Trig. We're not sure what that says about her judgement, but it is a cause for concern. Here is a list of other goofy names that she considered, but ultimately rejected:

11. Muckluck
10. Walker
9. Texas Ranger
8. Hoop
7. Matrix
6. Rink
5. Hudson Hawk
4. Box Elder
3. Diff EQ
2. Talladega
1. Barak

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Top 11 Actual Victims Mentioned By Barack Obama in his Acceptance Speech

Barack Obama did not take our advice on potential victims of America to name check during his DNC acceptance speech. But he didn't disappoint coming up with his own candidates. Following are excerpts from his speech, in chronological order:

11) a woman in Ohio, on the brink of retirement, finds herself one illness away from disaster after a lifetime of hard work

10) a man in Indiana has to pack up the equipment he's worked on for twenty years and watch it shipped off to China, and then chokes up as he explains how he felt like a failure when he went home to tell his family the news

9) veterans sleep on our streets and families slide into poverty

8) the proud auto workers at a Michigan plant who, after they found out it was closing, kept showing up every day and working as hard as ever, because they knew there were people who counted on the brakes that they made

7) the military families who shoulder their burdens silently as they watch their loved ones leave for their third or fourth or fifth tour of duty

6) that young student who sleeps just three hours before working the night shift

5) my mom, who raised my sister and me on her own while she worked and earned her degree; who once turned to food stamps but was still able to send us to the best schools in the country with the help of student loans and scholarships

4) another worker tell me that his factory has shut down

3) all those men and women on the South Side of Chicago who I stood by and fought for two decades ago after the local steel plant closed

2) my grandmother, who worked her way up from the secretarial pool to middle-management, despite years of being passed over for promotions because she was a woman

1) my mother argue with insurance companies while she lay in bed dying of cancer

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Top 11 Predicted Americans Barack Obama Will Reference He Met with While on the Campaign Trail

Chad the Elder notes the litany of misery trotted out by Hillary Clinton during her DNC speech yesterday:

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism. She didn't have any health insurance, and she discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head, painted with my name on it, and asked me to fight for health care for her and her children.


I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps T-shirt who waited months for medical care. And he said to me, "Take care of my buddies. A lot of them are still over there. And then will you please take care of me?"

And I will always remember the young boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage, that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn't know what his family was going to do.

Wallowing in this kind of melodrama is common in the rhetoric of Democrats running for office. And Hillary certainly set a high standard with her speech on Tuesday.

Barack Obama comes on stage for his acceptance speech tomorrow night. I'm certain he'll also painstakingly recount the suffering he encountered among the American people on the campaign trail. If he wants to outdo Hillary, he better have anecdotes of meeting with at least some of the following people:

11) undocumented worker and community college student who is lactose intolerant

10) a homeless school teacher with no health insurance and a bad case of scurvy

9) a hunchback carnie with a three-legged dog

8) Lobster Boy

7) a Tuvan throat singer with no elbow joints

6) an angry White male clinging to his guns and his religion

5) a depressed but brilliant artist without health insurance who cut off his own ear and eventually killed himself before his genius was recognized

4) a senior citizen and avid outdoorsman who was shot in the face by a deranged puppet master for an evil administration

3) an African-American lesbian from New Orleans who because of Katrina and high gas prices can't afford to travel to Walter Reed to visit her disabled partner who was wounded in Iraq because of a lack of sufficient body armor

2) a Hispanic man who was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning he breaks his legs, and every afternoon he breaks his arms. At night, he lies awake in agony until his heart attacks put him to sleep

1) Al Franken

UPDATE: another candidate emerges, a delegate no less from New Jersey:

Maysoon Abdelhady says she is the perfect Democratic National Convention delegate.

"I was recruited because I'm a woman. I'm a Palestinian. I'm a Muslim. I'm disabled and, because I'm 30 and still not married, people think I’m gay."

The Nihilist adds a bonus (13th) to the list:
A painter, who was a veteran of the Great War, who excitedly read to me a manuscript detailing "his struggle." He told me of how he was disturbed at seeing his once great country sink so low under such failed leadership. He asked me to help establish a new National Socialism.

Top 11 Laugh Lines In Hillary's Speech Last Night

Hillary's Clinton address at the DNC last night has been widely hailed by the media. One aspect that I haven't heard much comment on was how damn funny it was. Here are the lines that had me laughing out loud while watching it last night.

11. I will always be grateful to everyone from all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the territories...

10. Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

9. And I cannot wait to watch Barack Obama sign into law a health care plan that covers every single American.

8. You allowed me to become part of your lives, and you became part of mine...

7. For me, it's been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities.

6. And together we made history.

5. Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hangs in the balance.

4. And Americans are fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama's side...

3. Barack Obama is my candidate...

2. ...and a proud supporter of Barack Obama

1. We are on the same team...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Top 11 Things Joe Biden Contributes To Obama Campaign

11. Avoids alienating the 0.7% of Democratic primary voters who voted Biden for President

10. Brings pro-choice cafeteria Catholic vote with him

9. Brings pro-hair plug blathering blowhard vote with him

8. Able to boost sales of "Audacity of Hope" by pairing it with Promises to Keep on Amazon

7. Putting a pro-plagiarism candidate on the ticket guarantees an endorsement from Steve Berg at MinnPost

6. In case McCain chooses Lieberman, ensures the Republicans won't have a monopoly on the use of the highly persuasive term "Joe-mentum"

5. Makes Obama's speeches seem short

4. Focus groups watching Biden on TV report that he makes them think CHANGE--change the channel

3. Can fake an East Indian accent well enough to get the candidates into any Delaware 7-11

2. For a white guy he's very clean and articulate

1. Will add gravitas, especially when Biden replaces hair plugs with George Washington style wig

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Biden Bashing Bonanza!!!

Oh yes! There is an Obama! Sure, there were other running mates Barack Obama could have chosen whom would have made us even happier (eleven, to be exact). But Joe Biden has long been one of our favorite easy targets. Here is a walk through the Joe Biden mentions in the Nihilist in Golf Pants archives:

Top 11 Arguments In Favor Of Term Limits
9. Joe Biden

Somebody Told Me This Was Supposed To Be A Political Blog
It's been forever since I made any real political commentary. So here is my take on the recent momentum related to the two major parties races for presidential nominations.

Hanging In There

Joe Biden - Who the hell cares about Joe Biden.

Top 11 Highlights of Last Night's All-Night Slumber Party in the Senate
7. The girl Senators braiding Joe Biden's hairpiece

The Presidential Candidates Comment On The Sopranos
6. Joe Biden - Some Italian Americans are clean and articulate

Biden My Time
Often, people ask me what I think of other local bloggers. It seems that a lot of folks want to know what I think of Learned Foot, who has recently been mocking my ability to pick football point spreads.

I like Learned Foot. I mean, you got the first mainstream local blogger who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.

If We Were The Right Wing Equivalent Of Democratic Underground …
Sometimes it is fun to pretend to be the right-wing equivalent of a left-wing moonbat:
What was the real reason for this seemingly self-defeating Josama Bin Biden quote?

"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."

Could it be that Bin Biden was signaling his India Al-Qaeda cell to strike on 7-Eleven?

The Alito Shuffle
Boz Skaggsclassic tune, "The Lido Shuffle" is an obvious source for material on the Alito hearings:


Top 11 Reasons I Didn’t Watch the State of the Union Address
4. I didn’t really believe the rumor that Joe Biden wrote the speech, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it

Top 11 Quotes I Would Like to Hear in the Democratic Response to the State of the Union Address
1. “I could listen to Joe Biden talk all day.”

Top 11 Upcoming Selections for the Oprah Book Club
8. “Sounds of Silence: My 33 Years in the Senate” by Joe Biden

Top 11 Democratic Party/Mainstream Media Responses to the Successful Iraqi Elections
7. The only reason Iraqis showed up at the polls was the hope of catching a glimpse of Joe Biden.

A Time to Cut and Run – A Novel by Senator Joe Biden
Not surprisingly, Barbara Boxer’s recent novel, A Time to Run, has spurred other Senators to attempt to imitate her success. We have obtained an advance copy of Senator Joe Biden’s upcoming novel, “A Time to Cut and Run” and excerpt it here:


Top 11 Names Being Considered By Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner For Their Daughter
4. Learned Biden

My Confirmation Hearing
I’ve often thought that I would enjoy being a Supreme Court Justice. After watching the John Roberts confirmation hearings I think I would also enjoy the confirmation process. If President Bush decides to nominate me for Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat, the confirmation hearings would go something like this:


Top 11 Questions I Would Ask John Roberts If I Were On The Senate Judiciary Committee
11. Keeping in mind that you are under oath, give me your best estimate of Senator Biden’s IQ.

Only 11 Barack Obama Running Mates that Would Have Made the Contributors to This Blog Even More Ecstatic

11. Robert Byrd

10. Brokeback Mountain

9. John Hinderaker

8. Jimmy Carter

7. Tom Cruise

6. Rielle Hunter

5. George Clooney

4. Brett Favre

3. Al Franken

2. Jesse Ventura

1. Walter Mondale

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Top 11 Suggested Replacements for Snot

Tragically, the Renaissance Festival lost one if its venerable favorites this past week, Snot of the comedy team Puke and Snot. Apparently the act will continue with a new Snot. But in our hearts, Snot can never truly be replaced. So we suggest the following new members of the troop instead:

11) Puss

10) Bile

9) Marrow

8) Lymph

7) Synovial Fluid

6) Goober

5) Breast Milk

4) Aqueous Humor

3) Piss

2) Ear Wax

1) Al Franken


Barak Obama's brother, George Hussein Onyango Obama

and crack addict Tyrone Biggums as portrayed by Dave Chappelle

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Top 11 Reasons The Nihilist In Golf Pants Was Denied Access to the Republican National Convention

11. Convention quotient of a-holes was high enough as it is

10. RNC only wanted "safe" wussy bloggers like Swiftee on hand

9. RNC didn't want to be a party to violating Mary Katherine Ham's restraining order against Sisyphus

8. RNC wanted to avoid connections to country club Republicans

7. RNC wanted to avoid connections to corporate, back-dated stock option Republicans

6. The RNC strongly suspected he'd sell his credential on e-bay

5. The RNC couldn't trust any blog that won a major award from the City Pages

4. McCain didn't want any competition to his Elvis impersonation

3. Nihilist was too cheap to pay the bribe required for access

2. After RNC gave access to Power Line, they didn't feel the need for another humor based blog

1. The Nihilist's uncanny ability to identify closeted homosexuals made certain people nervous

Monday, August 18, 2008

Top 11 Other Things That Are Above Barack Obama's Pay Grade

11. Knowing how many states there are

10. Knowing what Senate committees he serves on

9. Being able to bowl

8. Approving of Michelle's public statements

7. Actually listening when Reverend Wright is delivering a sermon

6. Making value judgements about slumlords who offer bribes

5. Understanding how capital gains tax rates impact revenues

4. Stopping his surrogates from playing the race card

3. Wearing a flag pin

2. Making a moral judgment between Russia and Georgia

1. Being President of the United States

Sunday, August 17, 2008

36 Hours in Minneapolis-St. Paul

The David Carr of the New York Times has come up with a travel column that purports to give RNC visitors some tips on things to do here in the Twin Cities. It is crap.

For example, Carr writes:
And please remember, when they ask you at the coffee shop, “How you doing, today?” they really want to know.

Uh, no we don’t. Just say you’re fine so everyone can get on with their day.

Carr also recommends that visitors go see that big cherry on a spoon sculpture down by the Walker or somewhere. Don’t. It is just a big cherry on a spoon. This isn’t Berne; there are no cool sculptures here.

Here is the actual best way to spend 36 hours in Minneapolis-St. Paul:


5 p.m.
On a hot summer day there is a convenient and diverting respite – your hotel room. Crank up the AC and take a well deserved nap!

7 p.m.
The Twin Cities are a great baseball metropolitan area and the Twins are in the middle of a pennant race, so why not head down to the Metrodome and catch a game? Oh, that’s right; the Twins are in the middle of a fourteen game road trip because apparently they can’t play home games while the Republican National Convention is going on. This makes no sense. The Twins don’t play in the Xcel Center or even in St. Paul. If anything, a Twins game would balance out the traffic and give those of us deemed unworthy of blogging credentials something to do.

9 p.m.
The Twins are in Oakland so the game is starting soon. It will be on Fox Sports North, ask the front desk for the channel. Yes, we know – that “circle me Bert” thing is annoying. Consider yourself lucky; we’ve been putting up with it for years now.

11:30 p.m.
The game is probably over by now; hopefully our middle relief didn’t blow the game. If you were in LA, Chicago, or New York, I would suggest going out and sampling the night life. Unfortunately, you’re in St. Paul. You may as well just go to bed.


10 a.m.
Sure, you could drive over to Dinkytown, try to find a parking spot and eat at Al’s Breakfast, but why bother? A pancake is a pancake and unless eating it in a covered alley does something for you, just go to a Perkins. There are 48 Perkins locations within 50 miles of the Xcel Center.

11:30 a.m.
If you are an MSM journalist, you will probably want to start getting some work done. I recommend doing a story on a local homeless person’s reaction to the Republican National Convention being held in the Twin Cities (if you are a right wing blogger, you will want to do a blog post on MSM journalists interviewing homeless people).

Local journalists, like our Star Tribune’s Nick Coleman, know that the best place to find homeless interview subjects is the White Castle at University and Lexington. Get there no later than 11:30 or all of the good homeless will be taken. While you’re there, have a half dozen sliders for lunch.

2 p.m.
If for some reason you feel the need to sample some of the Twin Cities’ cultural offerings, don’t even think about going to the Walker Art Center. All that they have is that modern crap (I mean metaphorical crap, not poop art, which could actually be worthwhile.)

Instead check out the far superior Minneapolis Institute of Art, where they have legitimate paintings by real artists (plus it is free!). Among the works you will want to check out are Lehmann’s “Calypso”, Delvaux’s “Woman with a Mirror”, and Caillebotte’s “Nude on a Couch”.

5 p.m.
Your visit to the RNC will inevitably bring you into contact with protesters and we all know how smelly protesters can be. Now is a good time to stock up on soap and air fresheners. I recommend the St. Paul Midway Wal-Mart. (This Wal-mart isn’t far from the White Castle, so if your homeless person was especially ripe, consider squeezing in this stop before you head to the museum).

6 p.m.
Interviewing the homeless, viewing art, and shopping are surefire ways to work up an appetite. Unless I miss my guess, you now have a hankering for a Chicken McNugget or ten. Fortunately, there is a McDonalds at Snelling and University. I recommend the value meal, which includes 10 McNuggets, fries, and a soft drink (the locals refer to it as pop). Ask for the Buffalo sauce.

7 p.m.
As the famous Minneapolis rock band, The Replacements, said, “A person can work up a mean, mean, thirst after a hard day of nothin’ much at all”. At the corner of Snelling and University, there are a couple of liquor stores within easy walking distance. It doesn’t really matter which one you choose since they all carry 12 packs of Budweiser (as you are not from around here, you probably don’t have a Minnesotan’s finely tuned beer palate). Take the 12 pack back to your hotel room and drink yourself to sleep.


11 a.m.
Sunday morning is, of course, church time. All of the cool Republican Catholics attend Holy Family in St. Louis Park. If you are not Catholic, you are on your own in finding a church to attend, but in the long run it won’t matter as you are going to hell anyway.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Top 11 Things That The Minnesota Independent's Molly Priesmeyer Will Be Covering Next In Her Role As Consumer Affairs Reporter


11. Why having smelly employees keeps prices down at The Wedge

10. Which local dentists can keep you from looking like John McCain

9. The suction power at local abortion providers

8. The effectiveness of local resume writing and job placement services

7. The softness of the mattresses at area homeless shelters

6. Whether local convenience stores accept food stamps for cigarettes

5. Rating the Ramen Noodles flavors

4. How much a "consumer affair" will run a guy down on Larpenter

3. The greenest jails in the Twin Cities

2. The aromatic quality of the urine that RNC protesters are stockpiling to throw at the police

1. The awesomeness of local puppetry

Friday, August 15, 2008

Top 11 Other Insensitive Things Spanish Olympic Basketball Players Did In Photos

11. Walked around saying "Ah so"

10. Made faux-kung fu moves

9. Pretended to be eating dogs

8. Pretended they had small penises

7. Pretended to be doing laundry

6. Pretended to be really bad drivers

5. Pretended that they were really good students

4. Pretended people would be hungry again two hours after eating at a Spanish restaurant

3. Pretended to bribe members of the Clinton administration for access to US defense department secrets

2. Pretended to be building railroads

1. Replaced all of the ugly kids watching their games

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Mind Your Elders

Our friend Chad the Elder has been hard at work, regaling us with tales of his recent beer consumption. Upon reading his latest post, I realized that I'd have a lot more posts myself if I quickly tossed up something about every brand of beer I tried. So here goes:

While traveling to Central Wisconsin this week (wait a minute, The Elder also gets a lot of posting mileage detailing his travels to exotic places; next week I should do a travel log of Wisconsin Dells) I had the task of picking up a six pack at a local gas station.

I chose Sand Creek Brewery's Wild Ride IPA. It's been my experience that few breweries screw up IPAs and I'm happy to say that Sand Creek's product was a solid effort. Wild Ride has a strong, hoppy flavor and the high alcohol content that one would expect from a good IPA. I'd give this beer my Nihilist In Golf Pants rating of birdie (a 500 yard par 5 version). That means above average in a category where above average isn't totally unexpected.

The best part about my purchase was my conversation with the sales clerk:

Clerk: Is that beer any good?

NIGP: I don't know. I've never had it but it's local and I can't get it where I live (to my knowledge), so I thought I'd give it a try.

Clerk: Local? It says it's made in India.

NIGP: (rolls eyes) It's an India style Pale Ale. It's brewed in Black River Falls.

Clerk: Oh.

Wisconsin is truly the land of the intelligentsia.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Poop Art Blogging

I had planned on doing a top 11 list on the Al Franken event that only one person showed up for, but some other blogger stole my bit (albeit lazily). Well, two can play that game. I will poop blog.

I think we are all aware of poop artist Paul McCarthy’s sculpture, “Complex Shit”, on display at the Paul Klee Centre in Bern, Switzerland:

There really is only one downside to giant inflatable dog poop that is the size of a house; it can create mayhem on a windy day:

A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

To clarify, that is an actual power line that the giant turd brought down, not Power Line blog.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Top 11 John Edwards Explanations for his Affair with Rielle Hunter

11. Needed relief from the enormous pressure associated with growing up the son of a mill worker.

10. Trying to appear more sophisticated and European to get Barack Obama’s attention.

9. Newt Gingrich told him that affairs are more exciting when your wife is undergoing cancer treatment.

8. How could he be expected to resist someone who spells her name “R-i-e-l-l-e”?

7. Elizabeth wants to be a senator

6. Unlike Republicans who have affairs, he is not a hypocrite because Democrats believe affairs are a good thing

5. A babe this hot is worth any risk:

4. Kobe Bryant assured him that there really wasn't much risk

3. Wanted to have a wife from each America

2. She's the only woman he ever met with softer, more lustrous hair than his own.

1. Thought it was okay since he wasn’t cheating on his wife 99% of the time.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Top 11 Barack Obama Comments During His Breakfast Stop at the Copper Dome in St. Paul

According to reports, on his way out of town from a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser in Minneapolis, Barack Obama stopped by the Copper Dome restaurant in St. Paul for a few minutes to mix with the common folk. Some comments we suspect we would have overheard him say:

11) You want waffles? Let me show you my most recent policy positions.

10) If all American restaurants had their toasters properly tuned we wouldn't need any more nuclear power plants.

9) That man ordering "hash browns" is playing the race card.

8) How do I want my eggs? You must be a proxy for the McCain campaign.

7) I'd prefer a Danish or an English muffin to the American fries,

6) You ran out of bread? Bring that basket over here and let me see what I can do.

5) Tell Franken we'll leave him some leftovers out by the dumpster.

4) What do you mean by asking if I want my coffee "black"?

3) If Americans would harness the power of the breakfast burrito, we wouldn't have a gas crisis in this country.

2) We are the Eggs Benedict we've been waiting for.

1) Wait a minute, I thought this place was a mosque!?

Top 11 Reasons Favre Would Rather Play In New York Than Green Bay

11. Jets fans don't walk around pretending they're team owners because the team sold them a piece of paper

10. Doesn't have to look at cheesehead-wearing rubes in stands anymore

9. No Jet is stupid enough to leap into the stands at the Meadowlands

8. Not as many obsessive stalkers in New York

7. Wants to be the next Rick Mirer

6. Blaze orange not a popular fashion statement in New York

5. Less urine smell in the streets than in Green Bay

4. Secretly has always preferred Coneys to brats

3. Less stench coming from the East River than from the average Packer fan

2. Street dealers offer cheaper Vicodin prices

1. It's more convenient for John Madden to fawn over him in New York

Pawlenty: Obama's Great; We Suck

On Wednesday, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty called on Republicans to abandon their traditional values:

The party needs to update its message to appeal to voters who want new ideas and government results and to counter the perception that Republicans are "not for the working person."

Anyone familiar with Pawlenty knows his idea of "new ideas" include government subsidy of inefficient types of fuels and public transportation. Making the "working person" buy this crap won't make them believe you are looking out for them. The only government result many "working people" want is to be left alone.

Pawlenty said Republicans should embrace and try to emulate Barak Obama:

Say what you will about Barack Obama, people gravitate when you have something positive to say. People want to follow hopeful, optimistic, civil, decent leaders. They don't want to follow some negative, scornful person.

I wonder who he's referring to as negative and scornful. I don't think George Bush is negative and scornful. John McCain? I thought he was Tim's buddy. Hey Tim, name some names.

Finally, Pawlenty suggested that although Republican stalwart Ronald Reagan was a great leader, his era is now ancient history:

He actually had some ideas... If you're under 40, that was a long time ago, man.

When Pawlenty says stuff like this it drives me crazy. Republican failings in recent years are because they strayed from the ideas that made America and their party great: light tax and regulatory burdens, aggressive foreign policy in pursuit of American interests, and the moral courage and conviction to face down totalitarian regimes with little respect for human rights. Those old ideas beat the crap out of ideas about new light bulbs and e-85 fuel.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Top 11 Obama Celebrity Fundraisers After the George Clooney Fundraiser in Geneva, Switzerland

George Clooney is holding an Obama fundraiser in Geneva Switzerland (presumably for people who left the country because George Bush was elected President). If this is a success, Obama can unleash an almost unending string of celebrity fundraisers. Here are the top 11:

11. David Hasselhoff in Berlin

10. Steven Spielberg in Havana

9. Scarlett Johansson in Tokyo

8. John Edwards in the Playboy Mansion

7. Oliver Stone in Ho Chi Minh City

6. Robert Byrd in Pretoria, South Africa

5. Brett Favre in Tampa Bay

4. The National Tire Gauge Manufacturers Association in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

3. Nicole Richie in Paris, France

2. Fidel Castro in Caracas, Venezuela

1. Mary Kate Olson In Cannes, France

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Cynical Vikings Guy: Free Brett Favre

SISYPHUS NOTES: Our Vikings correspondent, Cynical Vikings Guy, weighs in on the Brett Favre situation:

I have long felt sorry for Brett Favre, stuck in Green Bay since 1992, with a combination of the Stockholm Syndrome and vicodin blinding him to the evil hell hole that is the Green Bay Packers franchise.

But now, the scales have fallen from his eyes and he has now come to recognize what an ungrateful and despicable bunch these Packer execs are. Indications are that Brett Favre would like to end his career with the Minnesota Vikings and I say let him do just that. It is the only humane thing to do. Playing a couple of seasons with the Vikes won’t make up for sixteen with the Pack, but it would be a start.

The Packers seem to have decided that Favre can’t play anymore, yet they don’t want him to play for the team he really wants to play for. If they really feel that Favre is so terrible, they should be happy to see him play for the Vikings.

Packer vindictiveness, like Pakcer suckitude, knows no bounds.

Top 11 Reasons For Morgan Freeman's Auto Accident

11. Distracted by Miss Daisy yapping in his ear

10. Shocked when he found a severed head in box on car seat

9. Fell asleep while listening to audio version of Hugh Hewitt's Letter to a Young Obama Supporter

8. Knew too many of Batman's secrets

7. Pissed off Dick Cheney

6. Didn't want to go back to Shawshank

5. Lost control because he followed Barak Obama's advice and overinflated his tires

4. Had finished his bucket list and didn't have anything to live for

3. He started to narrate the driving of his car instead of actually driving it

2. Doing research for his upcoming role in Crash 2

1. Global warming

Monday, August 04, 2008

Top 11 Real Reasons The GOP Chose The Twin Cities For The 2008 National Convention

11. Republicans from all over the country wanted to come to Minnesota to laugh at the spectacle of the Al Franken campaign

10. Heard good things about the wonders of a diverse fire department

9. Mayo Clinic and Hazelden both within easy driving distance.

8. The area's awesome light rail system makes getting to the convention so much easier

7. Wanted an area where the major newspaper had an editorial voice friendly to Republicans

6. Thought the anarchists would get lost in the St. Paul streets that were laid out by drunken Irishmen

5. Bosses from the South Side of Chicago paid them off in order to screw the Twins

4. Heard about the fun, family atmosphere at Valley Fair.

3. Karl Rove insisted that he be in town for this year's NARN Scotch Egg eating contest at the State Fair

2. Wanted to ensure the back rooms where the real decisions are made would be smoke free

1. Felt safe knowing that traditionally, Minnesotans riot over hockey not politics.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Top 11 Arguments In Favor Of Term Limits

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Sylly Hate Songs

In the business of blogging, one often comes upon characters who are less than above board. Recently I received an envelope without a return address. It contained something extremely personal that likely was stolen from the home of one Syl Jones. It is a draft of a column for the Minneapolis StarTribune.

I turned the item in question over to the appropriate authorities, who informed me that I was not under investigation. However, they informed me that the contents of the envelope were in no way relevant to the investigation and that I was free to discuss them with whomever I choose. Therefore, I present a draft of the Syl Jones column dated Wednesday November 5, 2008.

Nothing Has Changed: America Still Racist

Millions celebrated into the early hours of the morning. Barak Obama had broken the 230 year grip of the ice people. Now things would be different.

If only that were true. America threw a crumb to the starving masses, and they are acting like they got a feast. The ice media says this is a new day in the history of the US of KKKA. Is it?

Only (enter % here)of ice people voted for Obama. Over 90% of sun people voted for Obama. If nearly everyone in that segment of the population chose Obama, it proves that the other group indeed has cold hard racism in their hearts.

In the south, still a bastion of racism, the numbers were worse. Here was a mainstream Democratic candidate and millions of Democrats did not vote for him only because of the color of his skin. They voted for an ice man so old he may have come from the ice age.

The irony is that though they voted against Obama because of his skin tone, he really isn't a sun person. Obama is not a product of the history of slavery. For all we know his mother's family may have owned slaves. His father's family can be definitively proven not to have felt the burden of victimhood that the sun people share.

When true sun people rushed to support Obama, he tossed them aside. Reverend Wright? Too likely to speak the truth to stay near. And he made his wife smile and wave instead of speak, for fear she would be called uppity.

How will Obama govern? Like an ice person. Just listen to him. He came out against reparations for slavery, the original sin of this nation. On affirmative action, hate crimes and discrimination laws he promises more of the same old platitudes. He's even gone so far as to suggest that poor ice children should receive the help once promised to the victims of slavery. As if their fair skin and cold hearts aren't enough to lift them up to their positions of privilege.

Not convinced? Just wait a few months. President Obama's actions will be put under a microscope in a way that no one has before. Does anyone really think that the ice occupants of the appropriately named White House ever faced real criticism the way a dark-skinned man would?

This election does not mean that race relations are healing. In fact it may put them in the worst shape ever.