Top 11 Names Sarah Palin Almost Gave Her Children
9. Texas Ranger
5. Hudson Hawk
4. Box Elder
3. Diff EQ
Somebody Told Me This Was Supposed To Be A Political Blog
It's been forever since I made any real political commentary. So here is my take on the recent momentum related to the two major parties races for presidential nominations.
Hanging In There
Joe Biden - Who the hell cares about Joe Biden.
Top 11 Highlights of Last Night's All-Night Slumber Party in the Senate
7. The girl Senators braiding Joe Biden's hairpiece
The Presidential Candidates Comment On The Sopranos
6. Joe Biden - Some Italian Americans are clean and articulate
Biden My Time
Often, people ask me what I think of other local bloggers. It seems that a lot of folks want to know what I think of Learned Foot, who has recently been mocking my ability to pick football point spreads.
I like Learned Foot. I mean, you got the first mainstream local blogger who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.
If We Were The Right Wing Equivalent Of Democratic Underground …
Sometimes it is fun to pretend to be the right-wing equivalent of a left-wing moonbat:
What was the real reason for this seemingly self-defeating Josama Bin Biden quote?
"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
Could it be that Bin Biden was signaling his India Al-Qaeda cell to strike on 7-Eleven?
The Alito Shuffle
Boz Skaggsclassic tune, "The Lido Shuffle" is an obvious source for material on the Alito hearings:
Top 11 Reasons I Didn’t Watch the State of the Union Address
4. I didn’t really believe the rumor that Joe Biden wrote the speech, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it
Top 11 Quotes I Would Like to Hear in the Democratic Response to the State of the Union Address
1. “I could listen to Joe Biden talk all day.”
Top 11 Upcoming Selections for the Oprah Book Club
8. “Sounds of Silence: My 33 Years in the Senate” by Joe Biden
Top 11 Democratic Party/Mainstream Media Responses to the Successful Iraqi Elections
7. The only reason Iraqis showed up at the polls was the hope of catching a glimpse of Joe Biden.
A Time to Cut and Run – A Novel by Senator Joe Biden
NOTE: Not surprisingly, Barbara Boxer’s recent novel, A Time to Run, has spurred other Senators to attempt to imitate her success. We have obtained an advance copy of Senator Joe Biden’s upcoming novel, “A Time to Cut and Run” and excerpt it here:
Top 11 Names Being Considered By Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner For Their Daughter
4. Learned Biden
My Confirmation Hearing
I’ve often thought that I would enjoy being a Supreme Court Justice. After watching the John Roberts confirmation hearings I think I would also enjoy the confirmation process. If President Bush decides to nominate me for Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat, the confirmation hearings would go something like this:
Top 11 Questions I Would Ask John Roberts If I Were On The Senate Judiciary Committee
11. Keeping in mind that you are under oath, give me your best estimate of Senator Biden’s IQ.
11. Robert Byrd
10. Brokeback Mountain
9. John Hinderaker
8. Jimmy Carter
7. Tom Cruise
6. Rielle Hunter
5. George Clooney
4. Brett Favre
3. Al Franken
2. Jesse Ventura
1. Walter Mondale
For example, Carr writes:
And please remember, when they ask you at the coffee shop, “How you doing, today?” they really want to know.
Uh, no we don’t. Just say you’re fine so everyone can get on with their day.
Carr also recommends that visitors go see that big cherry on a spoon sculpture down by the Walker or somewhere. Don’t. It is just a big cherry on a spoon. This isn’t Berne; there are no cool sculptures here.
Here is the actual best way to spend 36 hours in Minneapolis-St. Paul:
On a hot summer day there is a convenient and diverting respite – your hotel room. Crank up the AC and take a well deserved nap!
The Twin Cities are a great baseball metropolitan area and the Twins are in the middle of a pennant race, so why not head down to the Metrodome and catch a game? Oh, that’s right; the Twins are in the middle of a fourteen game road trip because apparently they can’t play home games while the Republican National Convention is going on. This makes no sense. The Twins don’t play in the Xcel Center or even in St. Paul. If anything, a Twins game would balance out the traffic and give those of us deemed unworthy of blogging credentials something to do.
The Twins are in Oakland so the game is starting soon. It will be on Fox Sports North, ask the front desk for the channel. Yes, we know – that “circle me Bert” thing is annoying. Consider yourself lucky; we’ve been putting up with it for years now.
The game is probably over by now; hopefully our middle relief didn’t blow the game. If you were in LA, Chicago, or New York, I would suggest going out and sampling the night life. Unfortunately, you’re in St. Paul. You may as well just go to bed.
Sure, you could drive over to Dinkytown, try to find a parking spot and eat at Al’s Breakfast, but why bother? A pancake is a pancake and unless eating it in a covered alley does something for you, just go to a Perkins. There are 48 Perkins locations within 50 miles of the Xcel Center.
If you are an MSM journalist, you will probably want to start getting some work done. I recommend doing a story on a local homeless person’s reaction to the Republican National Convention being held in the Twin Cities (if you are a right wing blogger, you will want to do a blog post on MSM journalists interviewing homeless people).
Local journalists, like our Star Tribune’s Nick Coleman, know that the best place to find homeless interview subjects is the White Castle at University and Lexington. Get there no later than 11:30 or all of the good homeless will be taken. While you’re there, have a half dozen sliders for lunch.
If for some reason you feel the need to sample some of the Twin Cities’ cultural offerings, don’t even think about going to the Walker Art Center. All that they have is that modern crap (I mean metaphorical crap, not poop art, which could actually be worthwhile.)
Instead check out the far superior Minneapolis Institute of Art, where they have legitimate paintings by real artists (plus it is free!). Among the works you will want to check out are Lehmann’s “Calypso”, Delvaux’s “Woman with a Mirror”, and Caillebotte’s “Nude on a Couch”.
Your visit to the RNC will inevitably bring you into contact with protesters and we all know how smelly protesters can be. Now is a good time to stock up on soap and air fresheners. I recommend the St. Paul Midway Wal-Mart. (This Wal-mart isn’t far from the White Castle, so if your homeless person was especially ripe, consider squeezing in this stop before you head to the museum).
Interviewing the homeless, viewing art, and shopping are surefire ways to work up an appetite. Unless I miss my guess, you now have a hankering for a Chicken McNugget or ten. Fortunately, there is a McDonalds at Snelling and University. I recommend the value meal, which includes 10 McNuggets, fries, and a soft drink (the locals refer to it as pop). Ask for the Buffalo sauce.
As the famous Minneapolis rock band, The Replacements, said, “A person can work up a mean, mean, thirst after a hard day of nothin’ much at all”. At the corner of Snelling and University, there are a couple of liquor stores within easy walking distance. It doesn’t really matter which one you choose since they all carry 12 packs of Budweiser (as you are not from around here, you probably don’t have a Minnesotan’s finely tuned beer palate). Take the 12 pack back to your hotel room and drink yourself to sleep.
Sunday morning is, of course, church time. All of the cool Republican Catholics attend Holy Family in St. Louis Park. If you are not Catholic, you are on your own in finding a church to attend, but in the long run it won’t matter as you are going to hell anyway.
There really is only one downside to giant inflatable dog poop that is the size of a house; it can create mayhem on a windy day:
A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.
To clarify, that is an actual power line that the giant turd brought down, not Power Line blog.
11. Needed relief from the enormous pressure associated with growing up the son of a mill worker.
10. Trying to appear more sophisticated and European to get Barack Obama’s attention.
9. Newt Gingrich told him that affairs are more exciting when your wife is undergoing cancer treatment.
8. How could he be expected to resist someone who spells her name “R-i-e-l-l-e”?
7. Elizabeth wants to be a senator
6. Unlike Republicans who have affairs, he is not a hypocrite because Democrats believe affairs are a good thing
4. Kobe Bryant assured him that there really wasn't much risk
3. Wanted to have a wife from each America
2. She's the only woman he ever met with softer, more lustrous hair than his own.
1. Thought it was okay since he wasn’t cheating on his wife 99% of the time.
SISYPHUS NOTES: Our Vikings correspondent, Cynical Vikings Guy, weighs in on the Brett Favre situation:
I have long felt sorry for Brett Favre, stuck in Green Bay since 1992, with a combination of the Stockholm Syndrome and vicodin blinding him to the evil hell hole that is the Green Bay Packers franchise.
But now, the scales have fallen from his eyes and he has now come to recognize what an ungrateful and despicable bunch these Packer execs are. Indications are that Brett Favre would like to end his career with the Minnesota Vikings and I say let him do just that. It is the only humane thing to do. Playing a couple of seasons with the Vikes won’t make up for sixteen with the Pack, but it would be a start.
The Packers seem to have decided that Favre can’t play anymore, yet they don’t want him to play for the team he really wants to play for. If they really feel that Favre is so terrible, they should be happy to see him play for the Vikings.
Packer vindictiveness, like Pakcer suckitude, knows no bounds.