Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year’s Eve Live Blog

Welcome to the Rockin’ Nihilist in Golf Pants New Year’s Eve Live Blog!

11:59:50 PM: 10!

11:59:51 PM: 9!

11:59:52 PM: 8!

11:59:53 PM: 7!

11:59:54 PM: 6!

11:59:55 PM: 5!

11:59:56 PM: 4!

11:59:57 PM: 3!

11:59:58 PM: 2!

11:59:59 PM: 1!

12:00:00 AM: Happy New Year!

12:00:01 AM: Good night everybody! 2008 is over and so is this live blog.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I'd rather have it eighty, ninety, one hundred degrees!


It's not often that mainstream entertainment makes light of global warming. However, I recently found one example in a very unlikely place.

In 1974, stop action animation experts Rankin and Bass released "The Year Without A Santa Claus." Previous Rankin and Bass efforts included, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," "Frosty the Snowman," and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." By this time, the animators had run out of stories easily adaptable from Christmas songs, so they had to pick a lesser-known story.

While the story left much to be desired, there was an incredible musical interlude that introduced supporting characters Heat Miser and Snow Miser, two sons of Mother Nature who fought over their ability to control the weather. Here are the famous introductory scenes:

Since Heat Miser and Snow Miser were the best part of "The Year Without a Santa Claus," it wasn't surprising that Warner Brothers, who bought the rights to Rankin and Bass' later works would resurrect them. Thirty four years after their initial appearance, the Miser Brothers (actually step-brothers, Mother Nature must have slept around a lot) became headliners in their own special, "A Miser Brothers' Christmas, airing on the ABC Family Channel."

While the reappearance of the battling Misers may not have been surprising, this series of dialog from one of their many fights certainly surprised me (Edited to provide pretty much the correct quote):

Heat Miser: My dear brother has been running a campaign of pure propaganda to give Global Warming a bad name!

Snow Miser: Oh yeah? Well how long have you been trying to scare people with reports of another ice age!

The liberal orthodoxy about global warming is that it is truly the worst thing that can happen. The fact that a title character who is one of the heroes of the story advocates it is surprising. The fact that his line is followed up by his co-star mocking the scientific community for their inconsistency also appears to violate the politically correct approach to climate change.

It's worth noting that the Heat Miser character is rotund, argumentative, and strident on his views on the environment. In this way, he could be Al Gore's brother.

Edit: The original "The Year Without a Santa Claus," will air on Christmas Eve at 5 pm CST on the ABC Family Channel. It will be followed up with "A Miser Brothers' Christmas" at 6 pm CST. This makes for some great TV for the kids before midnight mass.

Update: In 2006, NBC aired a live action version of "The Year Without A Santa Claus." Michael McKean plays a David St. Hubbins style Snow Miser. Harvey Fierstein plays opposite as Heat Miser. Appropriately enough, at the end of this clip, Fierstein has something stuck up his ass.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Congress Gave Itself A Raise

11. All of a sudden, it has become much harder for Members of Congress to get sweet mortgage deals.

10. Congressional pay raise lobbyists are extremely persuasive

9. All plan to buy new cars in order to help the Big 3

8. Have you seen the tuition costs at private schools in DC lately?

7. Felt they should get a cut of the bailout money; after all, they worked hard to make the bailouts necessary.

6. If you were being lead by Reid and Pelosi you'd want a raise too

5. Blago has raised the cost of obtaining a Senate seat.

4. Hope that voters will forget about the raise by the time the next election rolls around.

3. Wanted to get the raise through before their approval rating dropped to single digits

2. Need to provide enough to maintain the level of luxury Al Franken has become accustomed to

1. Figured if they did it now it could still be blamed on Bush

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Nihilist in Golf Pants Person Of The Year For 2008: The Sun

It’s big and hot and yellow and without it there would be no Barack Obama and now, once again, it is the Nihilist in Golf Pants Person of the Year. It is the Sun. The Sun started out four and half billion years ago as several million tons of hydrogen. Over the years it has converted about a fourth of that to helium and in the process provided the heat and light necessary to sustain the evolution that has culminated in Barack Obama.

Some may criticize our decision to name the Sun our person of the year over Barack Obama. This award is meant to encourage and not end the debate. But only a moron would fail to recognize that without the Sun and its life-giving nuclear fusion, there would be no Barack Obama.

Barack Obama flocks to beaches to sit out in the Sun. He is sad when it is hidden behind clouds. He breathes the oxygen it helps to produce via photosynthesis. Barack Obama loves the Sun and so do we here at Nihilist in Golf Pants, and that is why we name the Sun our person of the year for 2008.

Previous NIGP Persons of the Year:
2007: The Sun
2006: The Sun
2005: The Sun
2004: The Sun
2003: The Sun
2002: Grant Potulny
2001: The Sun
2000: The Sun
1999: The Sun
1998: The Sun
1997: The Sun
1996: The Sun
1995: The Sun
1994: The Sun
1993: The Sun
1992: The Sun
1991: The Sun
1990: The Sun
1989: The Sun
1988: The Sun
1987: The Sun
1986: The Sun
1985: The Sun
1984: The Sun
1983: The Sun
1982: The Sun
1981: The Sun
1980: The Sun
1979: Killer Swampee
1978: The Sun
1977: The Sun
1976: The Sun
1975: The Sun
1974: The Sun
1973: The Sun
1972: The Sun
1971: The Sun
1970: The Sun
1969: The Sun
1968: The Sun
1967: The Sun

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Top 11 Career Opportunities for Nick Coleman After Losing His Column

11. Fertility counselor

10. Sparring partner for Derek Boogaard

9. Co-author of The Blog House

8. Counter help at White Castle

7. Member of the St. Paul K-9 narcotics unit (while this job technically is supposed to go to a dog, Nick's bragging about his "big sniffer" makes us think he'd be perfect for the job)

6. Before model for the Hair Club for Men

5. World's worst Santa Claus

4. New Member of the Withering Glance team

3. John Hinderaker's pool cleaner

2. His brother, the mayor of the City of St. Paul could give him a high-paid lackey job

1. His step-mom could get him a column in the Washington Post

Monday, December 15, 2008

Top 11 Things American Journalists Would Throw At President Bush If Given The Opportunity

11. The weighty manuscript of their Obama hagiography

10. Their feces (like monkeys in the zoo)

9. The worthless stock options from the papers they work for

8. The pick slips they just received

7. Somebody else's shoes

6. DNC press releases

5. Their personal copies of Das Kapital

4. Their J-school diplomas

3. Their commemorative Barack Obama plates

2. Keys to their used Prius

1. Their Pulitzer Prizes (not applicable for Star Tribune journalists)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

You Got Your Top 11 List In My Separated At Birth

Top 11 Reasons Governor Rod Blagojevich is separated at birth from George Costanza:

11. Both are bald and try wearing ridiculous toupees; unfortunately Blago didn't have someone like Elaine throw his out the window

10. Both were engaged to women from more successful backgrounds

9. Both are short, stocky, and slow-witted

8. Both lived by the motto "It's not a lie... if you believe it"

7. Neither found the success they were looking for with regard to charitable foundations (George spent too much of his free time stuck working time on the Susan Ross foundation and Blago was unsuccessful, as far as we know, at extortion of several charitable foundations)

6. Two of "the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of their time"

5. Both wanted to grant favors so that people would "owe me big time"

4. Both pretended they were friends with black people (Blago - Barak Obama & George - the family that rented 'Breakfast at Tiffany's')

3. When busted for an enormous, career killing ethical lapse, both essentially responded, "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."

2. After essentially killing their career, both showed up at work the next day and acted as if nothing had happened

1. Both would have been better off following the opposite of their natural instincts

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Top 11 Organizations Impacted By Employees Calling In "Gay" Yesterday

11. The Holidazzle Parade

10. Softball teams

9. Bath houses

8. Schools (especially those with PE programs)

7. Meat packers

6. The Minneapolis mayor's office

5. The WNBA

4. Fudge shoppes


2. United Artists film studio

1. The Kool Aid Report

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Top 11 Conditions Congress Has Attached to the Bail Out Of the Big Three Automakers

11. Each automaker must name a new model after Robert Byrd

10. The CEOs must wash Nancy Pelosi’s plane every weekend

9. Ignition lock on all new cars that will prevent people with body odor from driving to DC (included at behest of Harry Reid).

8. Trunks of all 2009 models to be searched for missing Al Franken ballots

7. Must agree to stop conspiring with the oil industry to suppress the engine that runs on gravel

6. Must spend a portion of the bailout money to research John Kerry’s idea for a wind-powered bus

5. All makers required to manufacture at least one floating car with liter sized cupholders at behest of Ted Kennedy.

4. Automakers required to produce "mobile voter" buses to be donated to ACORN for use in getting people to the polls (all of them).

3. Must appoint Rod Blagojevich to their Board of Directors (this requirement now withdrawn)

2. Must eliminate cigarette lighters in cars, except for Obama's Escalade limo

1. All car horns to be programmed to play Happy Days Are Here Again

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Top 11 Reasons That Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Considered Appointing Himself To Fill Obama's US Senate Seat

11. He was frustrated at being "stuck" as governor*

10. Wanted to consult with experts on how to commit fraud without being caught

9. He thought that it would be easier to fight an indictment as a sitting Senator as opposed to a sitting governor*

8. Figured if they let Ted Kennedy stay, the Senate would never kick him out

7. He thought he could remake his image as a Senator in consideration of a possible run for President in 2016*

6. Needed more clout to shake down the American Cancer Society

5. He thought he could make lucrative corporate contacts that he could cash in after leaving public office*

4. Tired of taking the same old bribes from the same old cronies

3. Having a Senate seat would facilitate his wife's employment as a lobbyist*

2. Junket opportunities as Governor of Illinois severely limited

1. He could generate higher speaking fees as a former Senator should he decide to leave public office*

* These reasons were actually given by Blagojevich in intercepted communications

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Obama: Yes We Can Destroy The Economy

President-elect Barack Obama braced the country for more tough times Sunday, saying twice in an interview that the nation’s already dismal economy would continue to worsen after he moves into the White House.

Obama, speaking to Tom Brokaw on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” used some of his starkest language yet to underscore his plans for America's future.

If you look at the unemployment numbers that came out yesterday, if you think about almost 2 million jobs lost so far, if you think about the fragility of the financial system and the fact that it is now a global financial system so that what happens in Thailand or Russia can have an impact here, and obviously what happens on Wall Street has an impact worldwide, when you think about the structural problems that we already had in the economy before the financial crisis, this is a big problem, and it's going to get worse,

Obama said this in reference to the fact that his economic plans involve destroying capital through higher taxes and regulation.

Later in the interview Obama reiterated his downbeat projection that an Obama Administration would underperform that of George W. Bush, saying:

Things are going to get worse before they get better.

On a brighter note, he began to outline a diverse array of cultural activities to be hosted by he and his wife, Michelle, in the White House, saying they would especially focus on the arts and sciences with a hope of having kids involved.

We want to invite kids from local schools into the White House.

He also promised jazz, classical music and poetry at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. so “once again we appreciate this incredible tapestry that's America."

So at least we've got that going for us.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Top 11 Things That Governor Pawlenty Will Bring Up When He Meets With Barack Obama Today

11. Ask for a federal bailout of the struggling Minnesota hotdish industry

10. Ask Obama to issue an executive order rescinding all the honorary titles that Hugh Hewitt has badgered the Governor into giving him over the years

9. Let Obama in on the secret of raising "fees" instead of taxes

8. Invite him to try out for “The Amazing Race” together

7. Ask Obama if he's willing to lay his hands on Marian Gaborik to heal his chronic groin injury

6. Present the President-elect with Charles Tillman's jock which was left on the Metrodome field Sunday night

5. Inquire on making the Larry Craig bathroom stall at MSP Airport a National Monument

4. Find out what Oprah’s really like

3. Check on Jeremiah Wright's availability for singing national anthem at a future Wild game

2. Request additional federal assistance in securing Minnesota's southern border to limit the influx of rutting Iowans

1. Ask for pardon for taking David Strom's No New Tax Pledge in 2002