Saturday, August 29, 2009

Top 11 Words For Which Brett Favre Doesn't Know The Meaning

In the linked clip, Brett Favre says that no one on the Vikings would use the word schism to describe the team's QB situation. Defensive lineman Jared Allen suggested that no one on the Vikings knows the meaning of that word.

Therefore, we present the top 11 words for which Brett Favre doesn't know the meaning:

11. Retired
10. Dignified
9. Prudent
8. Threepeat
7. Discretion
6. Narcissism
5. Opioid-addicted
4. Humility
3. Antidisestablishmentarianism
2. Triple-covered
1. Loyalty

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Stick Her Face In Some Dough And Make Gorilla Cookies

Earlier this week, I had the displeasure of trying to participate in our democratic process. Easily, the worst part of trying to join Senator Amy Klobuchar's Health Care Town Hall was surfing over to the Senator's official web site only to be greeted by this photo of Senator Klobuchar.

I'll be frank, looking at the Senator's photo is an unpleasant experience. I know I can't be alone in thinking this. Since Senator Klobuchar is a big time liberal, I'd guess she could drum up some Hollywood support to appropriate a photo of someone much more attractive. Maybe this:

I can see right now that some people will call me sexist for holding this opinion. However, I am not sexist at all. To prove it, I will be the first to admit that Minnesota's junior senator looks like an ugly old shoe.

If we can replace the likeness of Amy Klobuchar with Jennifer Antison, maybe we could take the likeness of a leading man who's considered attractive enough to be paired with her to replace Al Franken. Here's her co-star in the awful looking film, Love Happens: Aaron Eckhart.

The world would be a much better place if politics weren't "show business for ugly people."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Top Eleven Changes To The Health Care Reform Bill That Democrats Are Planning To Make It More Palatable To The American People

11. Doctors required to perform mandatory reach arounds with all rectal exams

10. IRS agents will heretofore be prohibited from performing colonoscopies

9. Drug company executives who run erectile dysfunction ads during sporting events to be water-boarded and sent to Guantanamo Bay

8. Promise to recruit only med students who resemble the cast of Grey's Anatomy

7. Free breast examinations provided by Bill Clinton

6. Free hernia screenings provided by Barney Frank

5. Cash for Honkers program allows women to trade in old breast implants for larger models

4. New magazines in all doctor's office waiting rooms

3. Death panels to be televised and include judges from American Idol

2. 100% coverage for hair plugs

1. Cash for Clunkers program instituted for old, useless relatives

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Welcome To The Country Club

Joe Klein reports at Time that The GOP Has Become a Party of Nihilists. No word on their choice of leg wear. Party on Joe.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Viking Fans' Status Alert Level (With Bonus Flow Chart)

Because the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog strives to be fair and balanced, we have also created a Viking Fan Status Alert. Though, I'm not sure of what use it is, since it hasn't changed in the last 40 years:

If you're wondering how I, a mere blogger, was able to create such a hyper-accurate and timely early warning system, it's because I was the first to accurately map the typical Viking fan's psyche. Here now, for the first time, I reveal a complete and exhaustive diagram illustrating the typical Viking fan thought process, in a handy flow chart format:

Packer Fans’ Status Alert Level

The last few days have been trying for our friends in the green and gold. Their former QB, Brett Favre, has joined the Vikings to win a Super Bowl for his ten year old daughter. To help us understand what Packer fans are going through as we progress through the season, we present this handy color-coded chart:

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Let the Drubbings Begin

No, I’m not referring to the Vikings’ pre-season domination of the Indianapolis Colts. I’m referring to our favorite English Premier League football team, Arsenal. Not only did we win our opener, but we crushed – on the road, against our most hated rival. Power Line-backed Everton was routed by a 6-1 margin (this corresponds to a 67-3 pouniding in American Football, a 157-72 rout in the NBA, an 18-1 massacre in baseball, or a 14-1 dismantling in hockey).

In your face, Mirengoff.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Separated At Birth

The Democrats push to get a health care bill signed this fall. Sure, it would be nice to have debate on the subject and craft a carefully thought out plan. On the other hand, the President says it has to be done now, so we don't really have time to read the bill, we need to get it done now.


Mattress Giant, who has the mattress thay you like on sale. Unfortunately, the sale price expires today so you don't have time to shop around. Unfortunately, we can't write the sale up if you call on your cell after investigating the pricing at Slumberland. Let's just write this up now!

Guidelines For Your Town Hall Meeting

Congresspersons and Senators have begun holding "town hall" meetings to discuss the Obama Healthcare bills that they will be voting on this fall. Conservatives have attended many of these so far. However, it concerns me that conservative activists might not be employing the proper tactics to make sure their voices are heard. Here are a few pointers to get your point across at your town hall meeting:

1) Threaten the speaker before hand. Your goal should be shutting down their event. If they aren't able to speak, you will have proved your moral superiority.

2) If the speaker does dare speak, be sure to make your voice heard. Shout and scream. When the speaker tries to speak, shout him or her down. That will surely make your point in a way that coherent reasoning cannot.

3) Physically intimidate those who disagree with you. They don't really deserve the right of free speech anyway.

4) Dress in costumes and bring vulgar signs.

5) Most importantly, be sure to bring swastikas and other Nazi propaganda. Nothing encourages reasoned debate like comparisons to Hitler.

If you do all of these things, you can be as effective as any Democratic party thug.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Here, Have Some of My Useless Crap

They're spreading the wealth at Drinking Liberally tonight!

Tomorrow night, August 6th, there will be a special VHS videotape giveaway sponsored by one of DL’s frequent attendees. He’s got about 250 videotape movies for which he now has DVDs and wants to give the tapes to his DL friends. He’s quite a movie aficionado, so there is sure to be some good stuff.

Those DLers are a generous bunch, and this is hardly the first time they've tried to foist off their surplus detritus on each other. In fact, the Nihilist in Golf Pants presents:


11. A broken Betamax player

10. A brand new HD-DVD player (still in box)

9. Back issues of “Screw” magazine

8. Humanities degrees

7. A box of oily rags.

6. Adlai Stevenson Commemorative Plates

5. Several tattered, well-read and copiously highlighted copies of Mein Kampf

4. A plastic jug filled with urine

3. Full collection of Conway Twitty 8 track tapes

2. Wellstone! bumper sticker that was peeled off of a car that was traded in under the Cash for Clunkers program

1. Pride

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Top 11 Offers/Demands By Bill Clinton In Negotiation Freedom For The Two Female Journalists Held Hostage By North Korea

11. Offered to print up some of those cool "socialism" posters, but with Kim Jong Il as the Joker

10. Offered to send Al Gore for next round of talks if negotiations weren't quickly concluded

9. Demanded to verify the women's identities by seeing them naked

8. Offered Kim a cigar from his "special" humidor

7. Offered invitation to Obama’s next beer bust

6. Demanded that Kim begin intensive negotiations with US that require Hillary to come to North Korea for an extended period of time

5. Offered to convince Sean Penn to visit Pyongyang and say that Kim Jong Il is his favorite left-wing dictator

4. Offered to negotiate during a round of golf, where Clinton would cheat slightly less than Kim Jong Il

3. Offered to participate in a propaganda broadcast assuring North Koreans that Kim Jong Il "feels your pain"

2. Offered free carbon offsets for their nuclear weapons development program

1. Demanded that the women will "ride home on his jet"

Top 11 Reasons for the Resignation of Acting White House Cybersecurity Czar, Melissa Hathaway

11. Hillary berates her for hours every time Bill finds a new way around the porn firewall

10. Got tired of spending all of her time photoshopping Hawaiian birth certificates

9. Every time she brings up prosecuting e-mail scammers, Obama insists on diplomatic talks with the Nigerian Ministers

8. Inundated with spam from

7. Just saw The Terminator and suspects Joe Biden is a cyborg from the future sent back to kill her

6. Doesn't really need money until next years Comicon

5. The only guys who hit on a Cybersecurity Czars are total geeks

4. Needs time off to read the 1,000 page health reform bill

3. Bill Clinton kept stopping by and asking her to scan his hard drive

2. Busted for blogging at work

1. Panicked when she found out what communists have historically done to czars