Thursday, June 25, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Mark Sanford Didn't Really Want To Be President Anyway

11. Much easier to slip away from South Carolina state patrol for romantic rendezvous than the Secret Service

10. Got his eye on a zesty Chilean widow

9. Wasn't looking forward to endless SNL skits on how he can see Argentina from his house

8. It's actually unconstitutional for the President to have an affair with a foreign national

7. Presidential mistress selection is pretty much limited to un-exotic interns

6. Couldn't bear giving David Letterman any more easy jokes

5. Date of the 2013 State of the Union Address clashes with a planned hike along Appalachian Trail

4. Calculated his odds of ever getting together with a Argentinean divorcee. Mathematically, he had to do it.

3. Would rather spend time hiking in Anothervagina State Park

2. Afraid wife would keep White House in divorce proceedings

1. As President, couldn't participate in his new reality show "Mark and Kate + twelve"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Top 11 Potential Problems Leading to Fourth of July Embassy Party Invitations to the Iranians Being Rescinded

11) Long beards constantly dangling in the potato salad

10) After watching fireworks, Iranians begin long range bottle rocket development program

9) Singing of "America the Beautiful" interrupted with chants of "Death to America"

8) Horseshoes tournament ends with fatwa being declared against winning team

7) Flags meant for waving used for burning

6) Everyone drinking from the keg would be stoned (literally)

5) Ted Kennedy shows up drunk; feels up mullah's wife

4) Embassy cake decorators having a difficult time fitting "We're sorry for the many sins of our evil imperialist government" on an 11" X 15" cake

3) Worried about Iranians being exposed to the anti-American views of Obama appointees

2) Taliban crash the party sarcastically asking if their invitation got lost in the mail

1) All Americans present taken hostage for 444 days

Top 11 Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Went To Argentina Instead Of Hiking

11. Research for his upcoming role in the National Governor's Association presentation of Evita

10. Wanted to see for himself what it looks like when a government REALLY intervenes and screws up the economy

9. He's a big Malbec guy

8. Conducting fundraising events among "unique" refugee community in Argentina

7. Thought that apprehending a Nazi war criminal would boost his Presidential chances

6. Wants to wear his Speedo in public without feeling self-conscious

5. Was going to just go out for ice cream, but feared the press would blow it out of proportion

4. Wanted to see if Argentina would cry for him

3. Brushing up on his tango moves before appearing on upcoming season of "So You Think You Can Dance?"

2. Hookers there less likely to know how to contact cable news organizations or hire literary agents

1. Thought it would be hilarious to see what kind of explanation his staff would come up with

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Top 11 Real Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Mysteriously Disappeared To Hike The Appalachian Trail

11. Looking for Bigfoot

10. Publicity stunt for his cameo appearance on next season's premiere episode of Lost

9. He's got four boys at home, can you blame him for wanting to get away?

8. Got a killer pair of boots on sale at REI and just had to try them out

7. Trying to prove his presidential timbre by taking on the most feared of all wilderness creatures: the Georgia swamp rabbit

6. Trying to develop a taut buttocks to compete with Tim Pawlenty in 2012

5. Reenacting his favorite scene from "Deliverance"

4. Desperately trying to get in shape before Obama health care plan hits

3. Like Sean Penn, really admired Christopher McCandless and wanted to imitate him after a viewing of Into the Wild

2. South Carolina legislature passed a resolution to send him on a snipe hunt

1. Fleeing from Federal officials who are chasing him down with stimulus $s

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune Plan to Exit Bankruptcy

According to the Star Tribune, the Star Tribune has filed plans to exit bankruptcy in the fall. Since we don't trust bankrupt organizations, we didn't bother to read the article. So here is our guess on the Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune plan to exit bankruptcy.

11) From now on, report only good news

10) Start a new section devoted exclusively to news about Brett Favre joining the Vikings

9) Get James Lileks to exploit even more exciting new media platforms; next up, CB radio broadcasts

8) Continuing to work really hard to get DFL supermajority, then press for a taxpayer bailout

7) Aggressively pursue City Pages' lucrative S&M escort advertising market

6) Replace the old and tired "Blog House" with the fresh, new "Twitter Condo"

5) Follow new Obama-era legal precedent of screwing debtholders and transferring financial assets to union employees

4) Sunday paper to become nothing but coupons

3) Adopt local conservative radio business model and get people to work for free (oops, already trying that)

2) Put a large photo of Obama on the front page of every edition

1) Start presenting both sides of every issue, DFL and Green Party

Friday, June 19, 2009

Top 11 Bipartisan Resolutions Ron Paul Would Vote Against

Ron Paul holds the distinction of being the only member of the House of Representatives to vote against a measure expressing support for democracy in Iraq. Here are some other bipartisan measures Ron Paul would have trouble supporting:

11. Resolved: puppies are cute
10. Resolved: ice cream tastes good
9. Resolved: Abraham Lincoln was a good President
8. Resolved: parliamentary procedure is boring
7. Resolved: the Federal Reserve is a legitimate organization
6. Resolved: the sun rises in the east and set in the west
5. Resolved: Barbara Boxer should not ask generals to refer to her as “Her Royal Senator Smarty-Smart”
4. Resolved: Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer
3. Resolved: the US Constitution is not unconstitutional
2. Resolved: the sale of nuclear arms to private citizens should be restricted by the government
1. Resolved: Ron Paul is an attention whoring whack-job

Thursday, June 18, 2009

SAB: Barack Obama and Bud Selig

What could Barack and Bud have in common? Well, they are both ultimately responsible a new type of transportation.

Our President now runs Chrysler, which is introducing the 2010 "GEM Peapod," a car that may save the environment, but would certainly kill you in a crash. Not the mocking smile on the front.

And Baseball's commissioner was responsible for the early 2000's "Bullpen Car," (this model is from 2004) a golf cart decked out in team logo that could kill your pennant hopes if it contained LaTroy Hawkins as a passenger.

Hat tip to NDNation

One Threw Over The Cuckoo's Nest

We give up. So far we've resisted getting baited into the controversy that seems to have already dragged on forever. But our resistance has its limits and we've reached the point where we can hold out no longer.

Since the talk in these parts is pretty much all-Favre all the time these days, we're going to break our boycott and add our two cents to a matter that's garnered attention and interest far beyond reasonable expectations. It is a phenomenon that defies rational explanation and borders on mass delusion. The reaction of many Viking fans is almost a textbook definition of the madness of crowds.

So we offer a voice of sanity calling out in the wilderness of hysteria with a simple message: Yes Favre, yes way, yes how. Yes super star, yes Super Bowl, yes super-sized expectations. T-Jack is a train wreck and Sage is probably going to end up being the little quarterback that couldn't (I think I can, I think I can...). I'd rather not suffer these tools when I can see number four wearing purple (tingle). Some things are just meant to be and this is clearly one of them.

Please start the madness. And vote in our special Favre poll on the left sidebar.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Top 11 Predicted Announcements at Timberwolves Press Conference This Afternoon

11) Glen Taylor has removed himself as one of Kevin Love's followers on Twitter

10) Kevin McHale is leaving to become chief negotiator for GM in dealings with the UAW

9) During games next season, unused seats at Target Center will be made available to house former Guantanamo detainees

8) Vowing to rebuild a championship play-off roster like they had in 2003-04, announcing the re-signing Ndudi Ebi

7) It's all a set-up for Glen Taylor to deliver hilarious joke about Al Jefferson impregnating Sarah Palin's daughter

6) Michael Williams' plantar fascitis has finally healed and he's been cleared to play this year

5) Announcement that Target has rescinded their naming rights and the arena will now be known as Cash-N-Pawn Center

4) Blaming their recent failures on lack of a taxpayer funded "green" roof on Target Center

3) Announcing a food drive to feed Latrell Sprewell's starving family

2) Kevin McHale is leaving as coach so he can compete in Dancing with the Stars

1) Reminding Minnesotans that we still have an NBA team

Friday, June 12, 2009

Top 11 Places The Obama Administration Plans To Release Gitmo Detainees In Next

11. Disney World

10. Temptation Island

9. Las Vegas

8. Napa Valley

7. The International House of Pancakes

6. Aspen

5. Tijuana

4. Wisconsin Dells

3. The Hamptons

2. The Playboy Mansion

1. Crawford, Texas

Thursday, June 11, 2009

CBS Mailbag


To: The Nihilist In Golf Pants

From: Executive Production Team, The Late Show With David Letterman

Mr. Pants:

The legal team at The Late Show With David Letterman recently became aware that you and your co-bloggers have blatantly stolen the idea for our trademarked Late Show Top Ten List on your blog. After significant legal research, we have determined that while your Top 11 Lists are undoubtedly derivative of our trademarked property, they are just different enough where we have no legal recourse against you.

The ability to completely rip off someone else’s joke and pass it as your own is just the type of thinking that makes for a great network television comedy writer. Since most of David’s writing staff is approaching mandatory retirement age, so we are looking for new writers who understand the importance of repetitive bits that don’t challenge audiences too much. After reviewing your blog, we have determined that you may be one such writer. Therefore, we request that you submit a formal application to us so we can proceed with a formal evaluation of you.

Thank you and good luck!

Section 1: Repetitive sketches
Prepare a suggestion for a repetitive bit. This bit does not need to be funny, it simply needs to take up 5-10 minutes of show time each week (example: “Will It Float?”). The ideal bit will allow David to reinforce his superiority to lower paid staff members, possibly including yourself.

Section 2: Questions for guests
a. Prepare a series of questions for a typical guest promoting a movie from a studio that purchases advertising on CBS. Note: be sure that these questions are sycophantic enough to keep the revenue flowing.

b. Prepare a series of questions for a typical actor/actress starring in a CBS television show. Note: make sure these questions cast the CBS show in a positive light.

c. Prepare a series of questions for a contestant from a CBS reality TV show. Note: make sure the questions belittle the guest, but still cast the show in a favorable light.

Section 3: Monologue jokes
a. Prepare a series of jokes about CBS shows that network executives already plan to cancel. Note: these jokes must be scathing enough to make David appear rebellious.

b. Prepare a series of political jokes about Republican office-holders, candidates, or Rush Limbaugh. Note: as this is network television, please refrain from using the following words: c*ck sucker, a$$hole, f%ckwad or c^nt. Feel free to use the words: whore, tramp, jackass, and ass.

c. As we make fun of both sides, prepare a series of jokes about the current administration. Note: we have found it especially humorous to point out President Obama’s trouble cleaning up the mess that he inherited.

Section 4: Other writing duties
Prepare a list of excuses for the executive production team to provide to CBS executives when they point out the fact that The Late Show ratings trail The Tonight Show, Nightline, and syndicated reruns of According to Jim.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Top 11 Predicted Announcements During Pawlenty's Surprise 2:00 PM Press Conference

11) Based on positive focus group feedback, changing his name to Tim Good N' Pawlenty

10) In advance of MN State Supreme Court ruling, signing an executive order to immediately deport Al Franken to Nigeria

9) Rolling out his new executive branch paperless office initiative: "No New Faxes".

8) He'll be suiting up for the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight as they desperately try to add some scoring punch to lineup

7) He will be unallotting operating funds for the Minnesota Senate and House of Representatives in 2010.

6) He will not run for reelection in 2010 because nobody could possibly hope to beat the John Marty for Governor juggernaut

5) He's converted to Islam and will soon be joining fellow Minnesotans waging jihad in Somalia

4) He's suddenly taken an interest in all things Iowan and will be spending the next three years in the state so he can study the culture more closely

3) Official protest that Carol Molnau was not included on Playboy's recent Top 10 Conservative women list

2) Resigning as Governor in favor of a wise Latina woman to be named later

1) Just wants to remind everyone that Wisconsin sucks