Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Just A Friend Of Chris Hitchens

The incomparable Christopher Hitchens writes about his visit to an inaugural party featuring a performance by none other than Biz Markie. I always assumed Biz was a member of the Whig party rather than a Democrat. Here is Biz's most recognizable hit from the late 1980's (worth watching, if only for the "Yo Mama" jokes at the beginning):

Dare I hope that we'll see Sir Mix-a-Lot at later tonight? It would be appropriate, given our new first lady's measurements. BTW, what happened to rap videos with funny introductions? It seems like they fell out of style around 1993.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Now Don't Be Sad, 'Cause 3 Out Of 4 Ain't Bad

I didn't hit my four team parlay, but I made 3 of 4. Counting my advice to Learned Foot earlier this year, this puts me at 12-7 (9-5 when Learned Foot asked for my picks in week 5 and 0-1 last week). That's a hit rate of over 63%, which would break the bank in Las Vegas. Since I'm on a bit of a roll, I will prognosticate the conference championships. Thanks again to USA Today:

My themes this week is teams that have been there before defeating hot young (except for Kurt Warner) teams:

Philly -3 1/2 over Arizona: Remember how Arizona was considered a joke two weeks ago? They put together a nice run agaist teams with ok defenses and now they are considered legit. There is a reason people didn't give them respect in the past and it will show up sooner or later. I'm betting sooner, as the Eagles defense is smothering, though somewhat better against the run than the pass. They may give up a few big plays to Larry Fitzgerald, but he won't absolutely destroy them the way he did the Panthers and Falcons.

Pittsburgh -5 1/2 over Baltimore. 5 1/2 points in this game is like 7 1/2 in a game with regular defenses. Still, you have an overachieving team with a rookie quarterback on the road in potentially bad weather. The Steelers are playing their best football of the year and the Ravens know they were lucky to win last week.

Good gambling!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Top 11 Best Names For The New King Banaian Radio Show

Michael Brodkorb (of Minnesota Democrats Exposed fame) has announced that he is leaving the Northern Alliance Radio Network Final Word show after this weekend. King Banaian will continue in the same time slot solo and is looking for a new moniker for the show. Here are our Top 11 Best Names For The New Solo Banaian Radio Experience:

11. The Last Gasp

10. Worship Me, Peasants

9. Dismal Science

8. Lagging Indicators

7. Irrational Exuberance

6. An Excess of Supply With Little Demand

5. The Laff-A-Minute Curve

4. Depression Talk

3. The Shaggy Ph.D.

2. Vegetarian Tales

1. King's Biscuit & Flour Hours

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Hey you’re just as fat as me man! Maybe fatter!

In this clip, Jerry Seinfeld suggests that 95% of the population is undateable. Undateable!

Seinfeld is, of course, correct. However, he doesn't mention the main reason why. Americans are fat slobs. According to this study by the National Center for Health Statistics, 34% of Americans are obese and 33% more are overweight. Another 6% are extremely obese. That means 73% of Americans are overweight or worse.

What the hell is wrong with you people! Three out of four of you are fat asses who probably voted for an expansion of the liberal welfare state. You people make me sick!

Friday, January 09, 2009

It's Never 'Nuff Until Your Heart Stops Beating

Learned Foot takes time from drumming up gay support for ROTC at Columbia to ask for help with some NFL picks. Here's your four team parlay (hat tip to USA today for odds):

Ravens +2 1/2 at Titans - I believe Baltimore will win outright.

Panthers -9 1/2 vs. Cardinals - This won't be close.

Eagles + 4 1/2 at Giants - The Eagles are playing their best football lately, the Giants aren't. This has the makings of a very close game.

Steelers -6 vs. Chargers - The Chargers already defeated one superior opponent as LT sat on the sidelines. Lightning (pun intended) doesn't strike twice.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Well, The Names Have All Changed Since You Hung Around

Tonight is the premier of the 21st season of "The Real World" (9 pm CST on MTV).

While they didn't take my advice and make "The Real World: Gaza," featuring an IDF sergeant, a Hammas terrorist, and some chick who does both of them and a bunch of kids who alternately fight and then pair off, they did the next best thing.

"The Real World: Brooklyn" features a cast of characters that probably won't stand out much from their new neighbors (thanks to Wikipedia for the bio's):

- Scott is an personal trainer, model and actor who has been working out since the age of 14. He recently received the designation of having the "best abs on the East Coast", and was featured in Men's Health magazine. A beefy jerk who works out all day? Who'd of thought you'd find that in Brooklyn?

- Katelynn is an Italian-American transwoman who had a rough childhood. She first realized her gender dysphoria in high school, and began living as a woman at 17. Something tells me that Brooklyn is awash in Italian-Americans with gender dysphoria.

- Chet has been described as a "punk rock Mormon", a "hipster" and "straight as an arrow", who eschews alcohol and premarital sex. He is a conservative Republican. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our villain.

- Ryan was in the Army for three and a half years, having enlisted at the age of 17. He spent a year in Iraq, guarded Saddam Hussein at his trial, and suffered a number of near-death experiences. I'm betting that Ryan is either another bad guy, or his wartime experience has completely changed him and he has become like the Tom Cruise character from "Born on the Fourth of July."

- J.D. is a gay man who ran away from an abusive home at thirteen, and now works as a dolphin trainer. This guy reminds me of Lou Gosset's quote from "An Officer and a Gentleman": Only two things come from Brooklyn: aquatic mammals and queers. I don't see no dorsal fin on you!

- Baya has been described as "the token cute white female" and "laid back", though she suffers from panic attacks. Raised by hippie parents, she is a dedicated hip-hop DJ who aspires to be a dancer, and She is active in social and environmental causes. Last season, MTV began using Real World to preach environmentalism. Who better to learn from than a bunch of layabouts.

- Sarah is an artist who suffered a traumatic upbringing that included sexual abuse. Another Real World staple.

- Devyn was Miss American Teen in 2005, and a Miss Missouri Teen. She has been described as a flirtatious diva who likes attention at clubs and on stage, and a sexual person who likes to tease men, and juggle multiple suitors. A slut? Yawn.

Happy TV viewing!

Top 11 Reasons Nick Coleman Rejected the Star Tribune Buyout

Material starved right wing bloggers all over the Twin Cities have heaved a collective sigh of relief: Nick Coleman has refused to accept the Star Tribunes buy out. Here are the top 11 reasons why:

11. The rightwing nuts at the NTSB turned down his application to be a bridge collapse engineer.

10. He feels that he’s the only person standing between Tim Pawlenty and a right-wing dictatorship in Minnesota.

9. He expects to be be rich once the Obama administration approves a newspaper industry bailout.

8. It would be beneath his dignity as a professional journalist to share a going away party with Katherine Kersten.

7. Still hasn't received the Pulitzer he feels he's entitled to

6. Wants to be spared the embarrassment of working for one of those George Soros websites.

5. Newsroom is great hunting grounds for next younger wife.

4. He is extremely angry with the Star Tribune and feels that the best way to make them suffer is to continue writing for them

3. COBRA payments for hip replacement surgery not cheap

2. He is intrigued by management's offer to give him the Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor meetings beat

1. Cannot quit while schools continue to burn across Twin Cities

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Vikings - Eagles Live Blog

Earlier, I predicted a Vikings playoff run. I think I'll live blog the first step.

4:26 pm - Moronic Troy Aikman just insinuates that most coaches "wouldn't tolerate Adrian Peterson's fumbling. What a tool.

4:29 - As if we needed him to prove that Troy Aikman is an idiot, Adrian Peterson busts a 40 yard touchdown run. Vikings 7 Eagles 6.

4:40 - Unlike Troy Aikman, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons is insightful and often funny. I don't think he has much respect for this coaching matchup:

Philly's Andy Reid will be battling former assistant Brad Childress on Sunday in a matchup Peter King described as "teacher vs. pupil." Teacher versus pupil???? That explains everything! Do you think Reid tutored Childress in classes like "Screwing Up a Two-Minute Drill," "Hanging Your QB Out to Dry," "Dumb and Possibly Damaging Field-Goal Attempts," "Idiotic Short-Yardage Calls," "Special Teams Collapses," "How To Blow Your Challenges," "Leaving Yourself With No Timeouts" and "How To Remain Calm As You're Getting Booed By Your Own Fans"?

4:44 - I just checked on Hot Air to see if Cap'n Ed is liveblogging too. He isn't, but he does have an open thread here. Since the master seems to have this covered, my updates will be scarce. Also, I do not feel the need to update for every field goal.

4:48 - I may be in trouble as the Eagles D just picked off a T-Jac pass for a TD. Eagles 16 Vikings 7.

5:00 - A nice Vikings drive makes it Eagles 16 - Vikings 14

5:32 - After considerable thought, I have confirmed that liveblogging is stupid. The fact that it has inhibited my drinking has confirmed this. If the Eagles win, I apologize for my bluster about the Vikings. If not, then I'll probably have to apologize next week. Either way this liveblog is over!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Viking Funeral?

Mr. Positive over at Fraters is spouting the conventional wisdom on the Minnesota Vikings playoff chances. I see things differently.

This is the first time in eight years that the Vikings have the tools to make a long playoff run. Unlike 2000, where they embarrassed themselves in the NFC championship, this team is led by a superstar who seems to step up his game when the chips are down (see the last Packers game).

I predict a nice playoff run. I don't necessarily predict a Super Bowl victory, but I do expect the results to be something like the 1987-88 season, with dominating victories as underdogs before exiting in a nail-biter.

So yes, feel free to take the Vikes and the three points. Adrian Peterson tells me they will win outright.

Friday, January 02, 2009

SAB: Segregationist Style