Monday, December 29, 2014

Too Hot For HWX?

This was a fake ad that I wrote that was not included on a recent HWX podcast. Since the NFL regular season ended yesterday, I thought I'd share it.


Are you an NFL player with children all over the country? Would you like to condense a year's worth of parental responsibilities into one week? Then Adrian Peterson's Family Camp is for you.

Adrian Peterson's Family Camp offers NFL players an intense parenting experience that NFL Players, their kids, and county prosecutors won't soon forget.

Adrian Peterson's family camp features activities for the kids including:
- "Build your own switch" crafts activities
- "Damn, you mama's lookin' fine" unstructured free play
and family games, such as
- "Fetch me my pipe and that baggie" and
- "Take it like a man!"

Attendees of Adrian Peterson's Family Camp learn the names and ages of most of their children. Listen to this testimonial from Antonio Cromartie of the New York Jets:

Attendees of Adrian Peterson's Family Camp aren't guaranteed to set any rushing records, but they will definitely set the rules in their household for the up to one week each year that they see their children.

Disclaimer: Adrian Peterson's Family Camp is a registered trademark of the Adrian Peterson Legal Defense Fund. Adrian Peterson's Family Camp does not immunity from prosecution for camp activities. NFL players should consult their lawyers and public relations firms before undertaking activities offered by Adrian Peterson's Family Camp.

Friday, December 26, 2014

The Minnesota State High School League and Lola

The Minnesota State High School League recently announced a transgender policy that allows transgendered males to play girls sports. It is obvious that this will lead to problems with girls losing to opponents who are, in fact, male. What will happen when a transgendered athlete defeats a girl for a championship or breaks a state record? The confusion that will occur reminds me of a Kinks classic:

I met her on the court down in Orono
Where our tennis team plays in the high school league of Minnesota
S-O-T-A sota
She walked up to me and said you’ve got no chance
I asked her her name and in a deep fay voice she said Lola
El-oh-el-aye Lola la-la-la-la Lola

Well she looked physically a lot like like a guy
And when she served that ball, it really did fly
Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
She’s made up like a woman but played like a man
Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

Well we played a quick tennis game that night
It wasn’t really much of a fight
She knocked me down and beat the hell out of me
And said “I’m the world’s best tennis tranny”
Well it really made sense that she was a guy
And tears filled my eyes cause I lost the state title to Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

Last year I won state
Awards rained and poured
I’m champion no more
I got knocked to my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me

That's not the way that I wanted to play
And I don’t think it’s fair I lost to a gay guy named Lola
La-la-la-la Lola
It’s not fair for boys to play sports with girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world with freaks like Lola
La-la-la-la Lola

This year I won all my matches before
And I'd never lost to a woman before
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said girl, you got to shower with a man

Well I don’t want to play sports against a man
Even if they’re a sexual tran
Just like Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Top 11 Demands Of Hollywood From Kim Jong Un

Now that Kim has been successful in bullying Hollywood as the Obama administration impotently stands by, his demands are getting bolder. Here are his top 11 new demands and the threats backing them up:

11. The truth that your average North Korean is taller than Tom Cruise must be exposed or Beverly Hills will be radiated
10. George Clooney must admit that he's spent his entire life dating Kim's cast-offs or cities will turn to ash

9. A Kim biopic must star Brad Pitt (after eye surgery) and include scenes of Kim dominating Kobe Bryant in basketball and Tiger Woods in golf (both athletes to play themselves) or else clouds of gas will choke your imperialist air

8.  Food Network executives must publicly admit that all food on the network is created with CGI or your kitchens will run deep in McDonalds wrappers
7.  Anne Hathaway must return to her long hair style or the sky will rain fire (Ginnifer Goodwin too)

6.  Star Wars sequels must end or the Ebola virus will infect your water supply
5.  Whoever green lighted "Sex Tape" must be publicly executed or missiles will be launched
4.  All “Fifty Shades of Gray” films must be shot in Pyongyang and star Dennis Rodman or 9/11 times a thousand will be rained down on America’s S&M clubs
3.  The ending of  the remake of “Red Dawn” must be re-edited to feature a victorious Kim Jung Un being rapturously welcomed by a joyous newly liberated American public or your capitalist running dogs will be butchered and served up to loyal North Korean subjects
2.  Michael Moore must direct a propaganda documentary on the glories of socialism or the streets of Hollywood will run red with the blood of .... wait a minute, he already did that, several times, never mind

1.  “Real Housewives of Pyongyang” must become number 1 American TV show, or prepare to be exposed to hacked nude selfies of Roseanne Barr

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Rotten Tomatoes

The United States Department of Homeland Security released a statement dismissing threatened attacks on American movie theaters showing the new Sony film, "The Interview," starring inept morons James Franco and Seth Rogan:

We are still analyzing the credibility of these statements, but at this time there is no credible intelligence to indicate an active plot against movie theaters within the United States.

Threats from an unknown source evoked scenarios of September 11, 2001 in and around movie theaters showing the film. While the warning alluded to threats of violence, there was a ring of truth within (emphasis mine):

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)

Sony is trying to spin the cancellation of theatres scheduled to screen "The Interview" as being out of concern for the safety of patrons and employees. However, it's far more likely that these chains decisions are based on the quality of the film.

Millions are theater-goers are likely to suffer if this film is shown. While violence is a remote possibility, wooden acting, a nonsensical plot, and clichéd jokes are a near certainty.


Saturday, December 13, 2014

Real Talk

Intro music blares: Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes

Jimbo: It's 2 pm on Sunday; welcome to "Real Talk With Jimbo" on WOBC, the student radio station at Oberlin College. As usual, I'm your host Jimbo and I'm here to discuss current events on campus. This week looks to be a little different from most. We've been doing this show for about a year and a half, and my usually reliable sidekick Barry has always been here to produce the show. Today, though, I have no idea where he is. Barry, if you can hear me, you are in big trouble. Folks will have to bear with me, as I'm used to Barry pulling up all the calls. I guess I'll be doing that myself today. Nonetheless, we have a great show planned. Wait a second, here he is. Barry, you look like crap!

Barry: I'm sorry Jimbo, I'm really sorry.

Jimbo: Barry, are you ok?

Barry: I . . . I don't know. My head feels like it's going to split open.

Jimbo: Were you drinking last night Barry? You look hung over.

Barry: You know I don't drink.

Jimbo: Well it looks like you are having a major hangover. You smell too. Is that vomit in your ridiculous moustache? You must have been drinking.

Barry: I was at a party at a friend's apartment last night. I had a soda.

Jimbo: A likely story. What happened at the party?

Barry: The last thing I remember is that troll girl. You know the one, I think she's a sophomore. Always taking her top off in public, as if people want to see fat rolls; built like a weeble. She kind of cornered me, started talking about how she liked my purple cowboy boots. Then she started yelling and swearing at me, accusing me of voting for President Bush.

Jimbo: You voted for Bush? That's a joke. She is nasty, you should have run. What happened next?

Barry: She kept calling me a F@#$ing Republican, and I tried to explain that I've never voted. Then she pulled out a vial of cocaine. I joked that the only Coke I did was diet. She got really aggressive, but I wouldn't try it. Finally she made a joke about finding some way to get me high, and she got me a glass of Diet Coke. It must have been generic, because it tasted funny. That's the last thing I remember.

Anyway, I woke up about twenty minutes ago in a different apartment. My pants were off and I was in a different apartment building. I was scared. I found my pants and ran out of the building as fast as I could. I never even found my coat. I just kept running. Eventually I realized that I was late for the show and I made my way over here. I'm still shivering, and not just from the cold.

Jimbo: We need to take a break for a word from our sponsors.

Outro Music Blares: Clocks by Coldplay