Thursday, September 27, 2007

Top 11 Reasons That Bombed Bensonhurst (please Benson, don't hurst us!) Guy Needs To Move Back To New York

We here at NIGP have about had it with a certain Canadian political blogger who hails from the dank and depressing borough of Brooklyn, or as Spike Lee would call it "Crooklyn" (I've always admired how clever that was) New York and have come up with the reasons he should move back there.

11. To live among people who know what good Sri Lankan food really tastes like

10. Dressing like Tony Soprano in Lake Elmo only draws concerned stares

09. The opportunity to pay a municipal income tax

08. The chance to tell his future grandchildren what it was like to be a constituent of Sen. Hillary Clinton

07. A new Olive Garden will soon open on Ocean Avenue

06. Brooklyn may soon get a CFL franchise

05. Looking down your nose at Minnesotans too easy

04. Misses living in a 300 square foot cold-water, fourth floor walk up with Pakistani neighbors for 2 grand a month

03. John Leguisamo lives in Brooklyn

02. To begin work as an architect to build something in Brooklyn that is actually worthy of a terrorist attack

01. Can't wait to be part of the bridge-and-tunnel crowd again

Top 11 Reasons Mike Vick Failed His Drug Test

11. In retrospect, having that sleepover with Snoop Dogg was probably a bad idea

10. Not sure if dog fighting was going to be enough to ensure that he pisses (so to speak) away NFL career

09. It's a cultural thing that you people just don't understand!

08. Easier to play Madden '08 when stoned

07. Easier to execute dogs when baked

06. Wasn’t able to score himself a proper Wizzinator

05. All that infernal barking from tortured dogs hard on nerves

04. Needed something to pass the time now that he has no job and no hobbies

03. Trying to forget the memories of watching the Vikings - Chiefs game

02. His glaucoma was acting up

01. He's a stupid, stupid man!

Top 11 Things For Green Bay Fans To Do In The Twin Cities This Weekend

11. Fall out of hotel window

10. Bitch about how the beer is less expensive in Menomonee Falls

9. Join Minnesotans in chanting "Vikings suck"

8. Visit the Walker Art Center, take in a play at the Guthrie, roller blade around the Chain of Lakes, and attend Mass at the St. Paul Cathedral

8. Drink all of the Lysol at the local Walgreens

7. Try to hypnotize Zygi Wilf into giving Brad Childress a lifetime contract

6. Delude themselves into thinking the Packers could beat the Steelers, Colts, or Patriots

5. Wear Brett Favre jerseys for forty-eight hours straight

4. Take personal credit for Brett Favre's records (except for most interceptions in NFL history)

3. Tell everyone they see what great fans they are

2. Shower

1. Assume wide stances in airport bathroom stalls

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Top 11 Reasons There Are No Homosexuals in Iran

11. Iranian women are so hot, they convert all potential gays

10. Incredible success of “scared straight” program featuring posters of Andy Dick and Rosie O'Donnell

9. The sorry state of musical theater in Tehran

8. All the young people want to emulate their favorite heterosexual movie star, Tom Cruise

7. Since no one cuts their hair in Iran, no need for hairdressers

6. All of the gays are in the San Francisco of the Middle East – Afghanistan

5. Turbans and baggy robes are so not what to wear

4. Iranian shepherds find their sexual gratification … ummmm, elsewhere

3. There are only so many ways you can redecorate the interior of a tent before you get fed up and leave the country

2. Last Iranian homosexual recently died in a tragic float diving accident at a gay pride parade

1. Public restrooms at Tehran International don't accommodate those with a wide stance

Monday, September 24, 2007

Canadians Know Nothing About Good BBQ

I have mostly ignored Captain Ed’s new group blog about Canadian politics, True North, for two reasons: 1) I don’t care much about Canadian politics and 2) I’m still bitter that I wasn’t invited to contribute posts on U. S. College Hockey. Those Canadians think they’re the only ones who know hockey.

Now I can add a third reason to ignore True North: They don’t know good BBQ when they eat it. At least that is true for The Bensonhurst Bomber, who wrote a hate-filled review of John Hardy’s BBQ, one of the greatest restaurants in the BBQ capitol of North America, Rochester, Minnesota. This is especially sad for Dave Aeikens (who despite living in St. Cloud, knows more about hockey and BBQ than all of the contributors to True North combined) and myself, because of the efforts we have put in to educate the Bomber on the finer points of BBQ. (For those of you wondering about his moniker, Bensonhurst is, I think, his home borough in Winnipeg. The Bombers refer to his favorite Canadian Football League team, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.)

I don’t do many fiskings here, I think they’re mean, but this review merits one:

As a transplant, it didn’t take me long to learn that Minnesotans know absolutely nothing about good food. All you have to do is drive by an Olive Garden, where the ignorant sheep line up in droves for “good Italian.”

The Bomber has obviously not tried the all you can eat soup and salad special. Not only is it tasty, but it is a great bargain.

Or try getting a table during “Lobsterfest” at Red Lobster, where the allegedly above average residents of the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” go for “fresh” fish. In short, I should have known better than to take seriously a restaurant recommendation from a native Minnesotan.

Uh Bomber, Minnesota may have 10,000 lakes, but zero of them are good for lobstering. The fact that we are over 1000 miles from an ocean explains why we don’t have terribly fresh seafood.

But I found myself in Rochester this past weekend. For years, Sisyphus, the real brains behind the Nihlist in Golf Pants’ Top-11 lists, and Dave Aeikens, perhaps the last man on the planet to naively believe in the viability and – more incredulously – the efficacy of the dead-tree media, have been telling me about a little BBQ place called John Hardy’s.

The Bomber recovers a bit here from his very shaky start with some indisputably correct statements.

According to Sisyphus, it’s as good as any BBQ you’ll get in Kansas City, Memphis or any of the BBQ shrines south of the Mason-Dixon Line. So I had to stop.

FALSE. I said John Hardy’s was BETTER THAN, not as good as, any BBQ you’ll get in Kansas City, Memphis, or anywhere else.

What a mistake.

Let me start by saying that John Hardy’s isn’t horrible. In fact, if you’ve never had good BBQ, you’ll probably love it.

Thanks for the condescension. Minnesotans couldn’t possibly know good BBQ.

Like many of the great BBQ emporiums in Texas, North Carolina and Alabama, John Hardy’s is basically a shack by the side of the road (in this case, on the western service road of State Road 52, just north of downtown).

The Bomber clearly went into the restaurant with a set of preconceived notions that destroyed his ability to fairly judge John Hardy’s. His first preconceived notion, common among Canadians, is that good BBQ is impossible unless it is served in a shack in Texas, North Carolina, or Alabama.

Unfortunately, they’ve ruined the original décor of the place because they got greedy. They added more seating by building an ugly, modern, glassed-in patio area with a sloping glass roof. It’s clear walking in that the place had much more character – and the BBQ may have even been better – when the place was about 15 feet wide.

It’s called capitalism, you commie.

It was also too clean to be an authentic BBQ joint. You could actually see out the windows. There’s wasn’t a thin layer of smoke and grease on everything. The filters above the smoker had obviously been cleaned or – GASP!!! – changed recently. They were almost spotless.

PRECONCEIVED BBQ STEROTYPE 2: BBQ joints must be unhygienic. Besides being the BBQ capitol of North America, Rochester is also a Medical City. Most don’t like germs. However, you can request a side order of dirt and rat droppings.

There were also no black people behind the counter or in the kitchen. They were all good Scandinavians and Germans. What the hell could they possibly know about BBQ?!?!? I don’t care if John Hardy left them the recipe, they had no business serving what they thought was good BBQ.

Now it’s OK if the patrons are all white. That’s pretty normal in places like Arthur Bryant’s in Kansas City or the myriad – and wonderful – BBQ joints that are in gas stations on the service road along I-10 from Houston to San Antonio. But you gotta have some moolinyans in the kitchen.

PRECONCEIVED BBQ STEROTYPE 3: Good BBQ can only be made by African Americans. The late great John Hardy is indeed African American, but since his death, his restaurant has gone on and proven that white people can indeed make BBQ.

To get a good sampling of the fare, I ordered the lunch combo, which included a healthy order of chopped pork, two spare ribs, and my choice of side. I chose the cole slaw [sic] and the JoJo potatoes.

Coleslaw? With BBQ? You’ve got to be kidding me. The second side should be either Okra or Baked Beans. I didn’t even know they had Coleslaw – it must be for Canadians who are going through the Mayo Clinic for taste bud problems.

Another red flag went up when the waitress (again, a fat Scandinavian who talked like an extra in “Fargo,” not Ouisee on Good Times) asked me if I wanted the sauce on the meat or on the side.

PRECONCEIVED BBQ STEROTYPE 4: Good BBQ cannot be served by Scandinavians with Minnesota accents.

It’s been my experience that the best BBQ places don’t offer you a choice of sauce or “on the side.” Basically, they have the confidence to say “This is what we’re serving, this is how we’re serving it, and if you don’t like it don’t come back.”
The food came quickly and the portions were large.

PRECONCEIVED BBQ STEROTYPE 5: Good BBQ joints must be rude, slow and unresponsive to their customers.

(This reminds me of a comment made by my good friend, Chris Economaki, himself and world-renowned gourmand and oenophile. “When it comes to food, most Americans are interested in quantity, not quality.”)

PRECONCEIVED BBQ STEROTYPE 6: Quality food can only be served in over-priced miniscule portions.

The pork was tasteless without the sauce. It had none of the oakey or woody flavor that most good BBQ had before you season it.

If you want an oakey flavor, eat oak.

I started with the mild sauce, but that didn’t have enough of a kick. So I went to the hot sauce and it was passable. A solid B-minus.

I will grant this point – in Minnesota the hot sauces generally are not. The mild sauce isn’t much hotter than ketchup.

Next came [sic] the ribs. They didn’t fall off the bone, but stuck to it rather tenaciously. Even with the sauce (the hot again), they left a lot to be desired.

The highlight of the meal, I have to say, was the cole slaw[sic] and the JoJos. The cole slaw [sic] was good and creamy. A nice contrast to the tangy BBQ sauce. But the best thing John Hardy’s served were the JoJos, which are nothing more than fried potato wedges. They were crisp on the outside, but still slightly chewy on the inside. Moreover, they weren’t dripping in oil. They were just right. With a little salt and a side of ketchup, they were almost perfect.

The JoJos are indeed a John Hardy’s highlight, but you are eating them wrong. Salt and ketchup? What a waste. The JoJos should be smothered in BBQ sauce – incredibly delicious.

Wish I could say the same for the rest of the meal. Again, it was a solid B-minus. I wouldn’t drive to Rochester just to go to John Hardy’s (like I’d drive to K.C. for Arthur Bryant’s for the burnt ends or to Tuscaloosa to go to Dreamland).

I believe I told the Bomber that as good as John Hardy’s is, it is not worth a three-hour round trip drive. If you think Arthur Bryant’s is worth a sixteen-hour (or whatever) round trip drive, you are insane.

So, I’d encourage Sisyphus to keep writing those Top-11 lists. But he doesn’t have much of a future as a restaurant critic.

And I will advise the Bomber to stick to reviewing tailgate bratwurst at Winnipeg Blue Bomber games. If you enjoy good BBQ and find yourself in Rochester, do yourself a favor and stop by John Hardy’s.

You missed the most glaring error in the bomber's statement. Esther Rolle played Florida Evans in "Good Times." I don't know who "Ouisee" is, but Isabelle Sanford played a character affectionately called "Weezie" by her husband on "The Jeffersons." Perhaps Canadians don't have reruns of late-70s American sitcoms on their governmnet run TV stations.

Top 11 Things (Besides the $70 Million) Dan Rather Is Asking For In His Lawsuit

11. John Hinderaker has to be his butler

10. Kenneth ordered by the court to reveal the frequency

9. Allowed to walk off the witness stand if trial coverage is delayed by a tennis match

8. All hurricanes henceforth referred to as dannicanes

7. Katie Couric may never, ever wear a safari jacket on the air

6. Les Moonves must read a prepared statement admitting he’s “lower than a snake's belly”

5. An admission from CBS that no one has ever proved that George W. Bush is not literally the anti-Christ

4. If they ever bring back "In Search Of", Lucy Ramirez must be the first subject

3. More liberals in TV newsrooms

2. Shutdown of this dangerous internet thingy

1. He gets a royalty every time CBS News commits journalistic fraud in the future

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Top 11 Reasons the Sex Pistols are Reuniting

11. Comforted by the fact that no matter how bad their show is, they will still look more dignified than Britney Spears

10. Disgusted with the sorry state of today’s anarchists

9. Finally hope to stop all those pleading e-mails from JB Doubtless

8. Mitch Berg agreed to sit in on bag pipes

7. Jealous that the Led Zeppelin reunion inspired a rare Nihilist post

6. People were starting to mind the Bullocks again

5. It's the only way they can satisfy their urge to spit on people without being arrested

4. Staging the reunion to raise awareness of their friend Barry Manillow's fight against Elisabeth Hasselbeck

3. Aged fans hearing is now be so bad, they won't catch on to the fact the band can't play

2. Wanted to set a record for how long a band could milk one decent album

1. Anarchy is great, money is better

Monday, September 17, 2007

Top 11 Reasons OJ Allegedly Robbed Sports Collectors

11. Didn't think anyone would suspect that a football player would do something illegal

10. Trying to fill void in Hillary's fundraising efforts left by arrest of Norman Hsu

9. After Katrina, realized that it was only way he could get ahead in George Bush's Amerika

8. Getting a head start on claiming his share of reparations for slavery

7. His dog-fighting business no longer profitable

6. If he can get away with a double murder, he can certainly get away with a simple robbery

5. Needs money to continue his quest to find the real killers

4. Needs money to continue his quest to prove that the moon landings were fake

3. Didn't realize they have security cameras in Vegas hotel/casinos

2. Was reasonably certain that laws didn't apply to him

1. Has already written his next book: "If I Robbed That Sports Memorabilia Guy"

Sunday, September 16, 2007


Now they’ve given Al Gore an Emmy?!? You’ve got to be kidding me. This is getting seriously out of hand. First an Oscar for best fictional documentary and now an Emmy for best interactive internet thing? (If they’re going to give an award for best internet video, it should go to this one). I suppose next they’ll make up a category for him to win in the Adult Movie Awards so all the porn stars can declare him to be the real president, too.

And another thing, when is San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding going to score more than two damn points in a game? My fantasy football team is good enough that I’ll probably win my second in a row anyway, but it would be nice to get more than a couple of points out of the kicker position.

Anyway, back to the Emmies. At least they cut away from Sally Field when she started going into an anti-war rant. I love to see Hollywood stars get their dissent crushed.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Sisyphus Interview: Alexis Debat

The Sisyphus Interview is a series of insightful, fake but accurate, interviews with newsmakers. Here, Sisyphus pretends to interview journalist Alexis Debat, a former consultant for ABC News who now works for the Nixon Center. Debat has recently been accused of making up phony interviews with real newsmakers.

Thanks for agreeing to this interview Mr. Debat, it took a great deal of courage for you to agree to talk with such a vicious interviewer as myself.

I feel that a no-holds-barred interview with the smartest and toughest interviewer in the blogosphere is the best way to prove to everyone my complete innocence. I thank you for this opportunity.

We’ll see if you’re still singing that tune after the interview. You say that you interviewed Barrack Obama, but he denies that the interview ever took place. How do you explain that?

Obama is a politician. Perhaps you’ve never heard this before, but politicians lie. They lie all the time – it is their job. On the other hand, it is the job of journalists to tell the truth.

Okay, good point. ABC actually fired you over your resume. You said you had a Ph.D. from the Sorbonne, but the Sorbonne has denied granting you one.

That was a screw up by the Sorbonne. Look, if I were to make up a phony Ph.D., why would I say it was from the Sorbonne? I would claim it was from Oxford or Appalachia State, or somewhere good like that.

Hmmmmmmm. You do seem to have a good answer for everything. Almost too good. How do I know that you’re not just a big fat smooth liar?

Look where I’m currently working. Would the Nixon Center hire a big fat smooth liar? The Clinton Center, maybe, but not the Nixon Center.

Okay, okay, I have to ask these tough questions, but I believe you. Tell me about some of your favorite interviews.

I would say that my favorite interview was with Clint Eastwood. He introduced me to his daughter, and she and I did it afterwards.

That reminds me of the time I interviewed Miss Venezuela 2007. We did it afterwards, too. I never posted the interview because I’m a gentleman. Of course, that was before my boycott of doing Miss Venezuela’s in protest of the Hugo Chavez regime. Who have you interviewed, non-sexually?

Oh, all the big ones. Barrack Obama, Kofi Annan, Obnoxious Packer Guy.

Is that all? I thought you were big time. I myself have interviewed James Webb, Killer Swampee (the rabbit who attacked Jimmy Carter), and Cynical Vikings Guy. Maybe I should work at ABC News!

You should, I’ll give you ABC’s number.

Sweet! This interview is over! On to the big time!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Top 11 Best Named Cities in North Dakota

North Dakota has to be the most boring state in the union, but that doesn’t mean that their towns have boring names. Here are the top 11 city names in North Dakota:

11. Reynolds – The town founders were blatantly pandering for an Instapundit link

10. Beach – The most fraudulent name since MoveOn

9. Hoople – Believe it or not, there is also a Mott, North Dakota

8. Gwinner – A town full of Glosers?

7. Fargo – It is a real city, not just a movie.

6. Flasher – Larry Craig can safely use their public restrooms.

5. Napoleon – Everyone’s favorite Brandy

4. Hope – If a North Dakotan is ever elected President, they will probably claim to be from here.

3. Buxton – Heh, heh, Buxton

2. New Town – “What shall we name our new town? Hey wait a minute …”

1. Zap

Top 11 Reasons Twins GM Terry Ryan Decided To Step Aside

11. Needs to start training now if he hopes to be the Twins DH next year

10. To continue his search for the real Ramon Ortiz

9. Took a new position with the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners

8. Bert Blyleven's hair plug guy told him he'd need at least a year off for recovery

7. He saw an x-ray of Joe Mauer's knees

6. He saw an estimate of Johan Santana's next salary demand

5. He got a look at Nick Punto's batting average

4. Wants to devote all his attention to scouting for more weak-hitting utility players

3. Could no longer tolerate the fact Wally the Beerman earns more than he does

2. Had to quit because doing donuts in the parking lot with the ‘87 World Series trophy tied to the back of his car wasn’t enough to get fired

1. After winning all those division titles, what more was there to accomplish?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Silence is Deafening

The nicknames for getting ignored by Mitch posted yesterday are starting to catch on. From the highly influential "Anti-Strib" blog:

The shot to the nuts of one of the "protesters" in the accompanying picture looks especially nasty.

Yes, that is number 10 on the hit parade. I don't know what blog this Belgian agitator writes for, but he seems like he's got some real talent. And I don't know why Mitch Berg is withholding a deserved link to him. But I know how he feels. My post from yesterday got a total Ice Berg.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Top 11 Nicknames for Having a Deserved Link Withheld by Mitch Berg.

I see Mitch has chosen to ignore my salute to him earlier. In honor of this, Top 11 Nicknames for Having a Deserved Link Withheld by Mitch Berg.

11) Left in the Dark

10) Shot in the Nuts

9) Slit in the Throat

8) Ice Berg

7) Hertz Berg

6) Mitch Slapped

5) Berg-nored

4) Life's A Mitch

3) The Mitch You Can't Scratch

2) That Not So Fresh Feeling


Top 11 Nicknames for Traffic Earned from a Mitch Berg Link

Welcome SITD readers! (And, on an unrelated note, welcome STD sufferers). Thanks for coming, feel free to look around and make yourself at home!

In honor of this link, here are the Top 11 Nicknames for Traffic Earned from a Mitch Berg Link:

11) Shot in the Arm

10) Shot in the Site Meter

9) Bergalanch

8) Mitch-a-slide

7) Bergacane

6) Tsunamitch

5) Berg-orgy

4) Bergasm

3) Bergquake

2) Mitch-tastic Beruption

1) Bergalicious

Top 11 Features of Led Zeppelin's Reunion Tour

11. They're as sick of playing "Stairway to Heaven" as we are of hearing it

10. Opening act: Brian May of Queen presenting his PHD thesis

9. Still haven't found that confounded bridge

8. More insufferable baby boomers than you can possibly imagine

7. Surprisingly, the band won't be getting their healthcare from the superior Cuban government-run system

6. Band members agree that selling their dignity today is more shameful than selling their souls to the devil in the '70s

5. Reworded version of "Trampled Underfoot" to become a tribute to Lady Di

4. Skin-tight jeans replaced by elastic-waist slacks

3. Band members destitute enough to pretend they can stand one another

2. Angry rant warning audience to stay off band members' lawns

1. They still have 20 minute solos, this time it's to allow Robert Plant enough time to urinate

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Top 11 Other Names For Generals

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Top 11 Most Shocking Revelations In Latest Bin Laden Tape

11. Larry Craig is gay

10. Condemned Michael Vick for his cruelty to animals

9. When he endorsed Muslims "dying" for a cause, he was referring to his beard

8. It's real and it's spectacular!

7. Bin Laden admits he has hair plugs, just like Bert Blyleven and Chuck Schumer.

6. He's in relatively good health, at least compared to Joe Mauer

5. He's giving "two thumbs up" to Leonardo DiCaprio's 11th Hour

4. Felt that “Sicko” wasn’t quite as good as “Fahrenheit 9-11”

3. Revealed that Zawahiri also has a “wide stance”

2. When your life consists of living in a cave and reading Noam Chomsky, becoming a suicide bomber doesn't sound so bad.

1. Said he wouldn’t have ordered 9-11 had America spent more on infrastructure

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Breaking News

Brian DePalma has won the Best Director award for his anti-Iraq war movie “Redacted”. He edged out the heavy favorite – the guy who directed the latest Osama Bin Laden video.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Larry Craig is "Reconsidering" his Decision to Resign

11. Heard about a great new bathroom cruising spot in the Hart Senate Office Building

10. Wants to have several extra-marital affairs with DC hotties to prove once and for all he's not gay

9. Vows to stay until he can ensure all bathrooms in America have doors that go all the way to the floor

8. Realized that Ted Kennedy was able to hang around the Senate for forty years after killing someone, so in hindsight resigning for cruising for gay sex was an overreaction

7. Ted Haggard agreed to help him overcome his problems with 1 on 1 "prayer" sessions

6. Barney Frank offered to hook him up with his former roommate

5. Tom Cruise told him he believes his story

4. Can't quit now that he finally has some name recognition

3. Bet his entire Senate pension on Michigan last Saturday

2. Lucrative deal for Larry Craig Tap Dancing School fell through

1. Honestly believes that he really is THAT important

Monday, September 03, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Michigan Lost to Appalachian State on Saturday

11. Michigan players looked past Appalachian State to October 27th showdown with Minnesota

10. Global warming

9. Michigan players disgruntled that their under the table payments weren't made in a timely fashion

8. Michigan players distracted by coach Carr's man-breasts

7. Gay helmet design finally caught up with Michigan

6. Coach Carr called Brad Childress in to consult on the game plan

5. Wolverine players misunderstood 1-AA to mean the players would be bigger and stronger (kind of like eggs) and psyched themselves into thinking they couldn't compete

4. Pact with Satan expired

3. All the pre-game talk of "cupcakes" made Michigan players too hunger to concentrate on the game

2. Michigan players couldn’t get the “Appalachian State is HOT! HOT! HOT!” song out of their head

1. Mountaineer players were stoked after they learned that Miss South Carolina had committed to their school

Sunday, September 02, 2007

The Alarming Decline of American Smart-Assedness

“Why can’t one fifth of Americans locate the United States on a map?” Miss Teen South Carolina famously botched the answer to this question, but what are we to make of this survey result? Most people seem to consider it a stinging indictment on the American educational system and evidence of America’s inevitable decline that 20% of us can’t find the United States on a map. I agree that this is evidence of America’s decline, but not for the reason most think.

I find it disturbing that when some condescending academic researcher pulls out a map of the world and asks Americans to point out the United States that 80% give a straight answer. Back in my day, if someone asked such a thing, well over 80% of us would have worked up some drool and pointed to Brazil (that is, once we had established that there was no free beer for a correct answer).

What is really alarming here is not that Americans are ignorant of extremely basic geography (they’re not), but that so few Americans know how to answer even the stupidest of stupid questions in a smart-assed manner. If you were to ask this question in say, North Korea, 99% would probably answer correctly – because they know that if they give a smart-assed answer they could end up in some re-education camp. Our smart-assedness is an indicator of our freedom.

I fear that that the consequence of this survey will be more teachers spending more time in front of their classrooms pointing to the United States on world maps. This inevitably will lead to more students who are too mind-numbingly bored to come up with properly flippant answers to insulting survey questions.

I weep for my country.