Sunday, November 30, 2008

Top 11 Minnesota Arts Grant Applications by Nihilist in Golf Pants Contributors

Now that the state of Minnesota has voted to give free money to artists, we here at Nihilist in Golf Pants have decided to explore our artistic sides. Here are our top 11 Minnesota arts grant applications:

11. $10,000 or $110,000: For a documentary entitled “No Ugly Chicks”, that explores the bodies of a diverse group of women from around the world. (Filmed behind the scenes at the Miss Universe pageant. If we get the larger grant, we will try to hire John Hinderaker to narrate.)

10. $10,000: To purchase a state of the art high definition, surround sound entertainment system with 52" hi-def plasma screen and Bose wireless speakers in order to view hockey games and test the theory that material possessions cannot buy happiness.

9. $6,000: To finish a documentary exploring Atomizer’s aesthetic on mixing and drinking the ideal Bombay Sapphire martini.

8. $3000: For a short film called "Happy To Pay More" that consists of nothing more than shots of the facial expressions of Minnesota taxpayers as they open their property tax statements.

7. $4,000: For finishing the choreography and purchasing the props for “The Fridge to Couch Beer Dance”, a cross-cultural project that will reach a new level of sophistication in the transport of foreign beer from storage (the fridge) to point of consumption (the couch).

6. $12,000: To photograph Hawaiian shirts originally purchased in Minnesota on actual Hawaiian beaches.

5. $6,000: For a series of photographs of top shelf single malt scotch bottles in various states of emptiness.

4. $2,000: To compose a series of poems exploring the alienation and angst brought on by the tragic loss of back-dated stock options.

3. $6,000: To develop two new styles of music: poopumentary and Latin Baconbeat (joint application with Kool-Aid Report)

2. $10,000 - to fund continuing performance art exhibition, called "the Northern Alliance Radio Network," parodying the insecurity, ignorance, and hate of the xenophobic white male in modern American society.

1. $3,000 to purchase extra large glass basin and cases of light beer for composition of art work in which an entire year's worth of Nick Coleman columns are submerged in the collective artists' urine.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Money Well Spent?

Last election day, Minnesotans renewed their love affair with taxing and spending. Minnesotans voted 56% in favor of enshrining a sales tax increase in the state constitution with the proceeds earmarked for the environment and the arts.

To get an idea of how the new art windfall will be spent, Nihilist in Golf Pants looks at a sampling of the artists receiving 2008 grants from the Minnesota State Art Board:

Peter B. Becker Nelson, Minneapolis
$6,000 — to purchase video equipment and create a new video work that explores themes of relationships, empathy, sexuality, and gender

Wonderful. The taxpayers of Minnesota are buying this guy video equipment to explore themes of relationships, empathy, sexuality, and gender – themes that would never be artistically explored without our tax dollars. Once Mr. Nelson is done with that, perhaps he will do a video version of his mustache series (a previous work where he drew mustaches on photographs of people).

Amber Ellison Walker, Minneapolis
$2,000 — to increase the post-production quality of her video work and the overall quality of her publicity materials, and to have her work seen by a broader audience

What is this work that we are paying to help bring to a broader audience? It is likely related to the Wilderness dance organization, which is co-directed by Ms. Walker. The website describes the company thusly: “Wilderness is a contemporary dance company interested in human freedom.” A video sample of there performance of “up” is here. They use the same tilted camera effect used by the old Batman TV show to create the illusion that Batman and Robin were scaling a building. They also put multi-colored balls in their mouth while squirming around. At least the grant doesn’t include money for blue body makeup.

Jeffrey M. Krueger, Saint Paul
$6,000 — to photograph and research trees that have witnessed important events or have a connection with notable figures in American history, and to produce a book that pairs his photographs with each tree's historical narrative

I only hope that Mr. Krueger doesn’t pretend to interview the trees.

Heather R. Johnson, Minneapolis
$5,000 — for a documentary film, titled, “No Ugly Trees,” that explores women's body and self-esteem issues

I recommend that Ms. Johnson team with Mr. Krueger to produce a documentary exploring the self-esteem issues of trees.

John S. Jodzio, Minneapolis
$5,700 — to finish his short story collection, If You Lived Here, You'd Already Be Home

Finally, someone has written a short story collection based on the popular apartment rental sign!

Marcia H. Peck, Minnetonka
$6,000 — to visit Milan and nearby Bergavio for present-day setting research and background information on an important school of Italian violin-making for her novel, The Unattended Moment, and to work with an editor on the final draft

Why do a feel like I’m paying for Marcia H. Peck’s vacation?

Andrew A. Turpening, Minneapolis
$6,000 — for funds to support a five-month plan to develop two new styles of music: Latin breakbeat and popumentary

For 6 grand, I better be hearing this next year: “And the Grammy for best Latin breakbeat record goes to …”

Then there are those who want money from Minnesota taxpayers to work in New York:
Edie Hill, Minneapolis
$6,000 — to expand her network by collaborating with musicians in the New York City area and to expand her music vocabulary by working in the instrumental and electro-acoustic genres

Maud N. Hixson, Mendota Heights
$6,000 — to seek national experience as a vocalist by creating a cabaret show to be performed in New York City, aided by many of the top cabaret professionals who have offered their services in direction, coaching, arrangements, booking, and publicity

Richard F. Copley, Minneapolis
$6,000 — for the continuation of work photographing life on the streets of big cities, primarily New York City

Jacqueline White, Minneapolis
$2,000 — to prepare a thorough revision of her book-length memoir, My Transgender Husband: A Love Story; prepare a book proposal; and meet with potential agents in New York City

Finally, there are some Grants that aren’t all bad.

Timothy A. Fort, Inver Grove Heights
$6,000 — for the creation of a professional broadcast-quality video of his kinetic art for Internet and television distribution

What is kinetic art, you ask? It is, basically, setting up dominos and letting them tumble. But Mr. Fort moves behind mere dominos and raises kinetic art to the next level. You know that he must be good because he has made a commercial for Microsoft.

Now that is art I’m happy to pay for.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Top 11 Jobs For Mark Ritchie After His Stint As Minnesota Secretary of State

11. Consultant to Cuban Elections Bureau

10. Olympic figure skating judge

9. Three Card Monte dealer

8. Board of Directors, Growth & Justice think tank

7. Carnival game operator

6. Host of new TV series "America's Funniest Vote Counting Bloopers"

5. Journalist for Minnesota Independent

4. Chief of Staff, Senator Al Franken

3. WWE referee

2. Author of self help book "Voting for Dummies"

1. Director of Voter Registration, ACORN

Friday, November 14, 2008

Top 11 Events on the Power Line Cruise

Power Line's Scott Johnson is aboard the National Review cruise in the Caribbean and had this idea to report:

At the conference we talked about the possibility of sponsoring a Power Line cruise of the kind that our friends at National Review and the Weekly Standard undertake.

If any of the following are included on the itinerary, you can sign me up now:

11) Rollicking poolside game of Dunk the Big Trunk

10) Staged readings of back issues of the Claremont Review of Books

9) Three hour pre-game blow out in advance of Everton-West Ham match

8) Nightly singing of Dartmouth fight song

7) White bread tasting event on the Promenade Deck

6) Fattest wallet contest

5) Dan Rather Piñata Party

4) Seminar on how to maintain a blog on a measly $100,000 per year in advertising revenue

3) Panel discussion: "The Strategic Use of Humor to Add Levity to Your Post on The Limits of Wilsonian Democracy Vis A Vis The Platt Amendment

2) Key note speech from John Hinderaker on how the elites are out of touch with the common people

1) Skeet shooting with kittens instead of clay pigeons

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Other Than Discovering They Were Simply Paid Shills For The Democrats, Top 11 Revelations That Have Shocked Minnesota Independent Reporters This Week

11. There is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

10. The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides

9. Bears crap in the woods

8. You can't earn a living through blogging

7. It's hard to attract advertisers while advocating for socialist revolution

6. The Pope wears a funny hat

5. Ramen noodles make a cheap meal

4. People won't buy milk if the cow is giving it away for free

3. Brad Childress' offense is not "kick ass"

2. Billionaire currency manipulators sometimes lie

1. Being unemployed sucks

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Top 11 Changes At The White House Once the Obama's Move In

11. Kneelers installed in the press briefing room

10. Basketball court replaces squash court

9. Cigarette machines and ash trays added

8. White House thermostat now controlled by UN bureaucrat

7. The portrait of George Washington replaced with a Scarlett Johansson poster

6. Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt renamed "White House Spring Equinox Egg Redistribution"

5. The Green Room converted into the ACORN room

4. The press briefing room turned into Obama souvenir store

3. All visitors forced to give half the wealth in their wallets to person standing behind them.

2. Scale model of Mt. Rushmore in hallway showing plans for adding Obama's face

1. Due to some minor quid pro quo that really isn't worth examining, Tony Rezko now owns half of the White House

Monday, November 10, 2008

Top 11 Possible Explanations for why ALL of the Corrections to the Coleman-Franken Vote Totals Favor Franken

11. Election officials are afraid Franken will throw a chair at them if they change tally to favor Coleman

10. Minnesota uses old Diebold machines that thought Coleman was still a Democrat

9. Hard to completely fill in a little circle when you’re high on cocaine

8. Write in votes for "Stuart Smalley" now being counted for Franken

7. Statistically, election judges in heavily Democratic precincts are far more likely to “accidentally” leave uncounted ballots in their car for three days

6. Ballots using invisible ink are just now being counted by Mark Ritchie's staff.

5. Democrats are just not very good at menial skills like plumbing and adding up columns of votes

4. Votes are being counted by the same accountant who “forgot” to file Franken’s taxes in several states

3. Liberal bloggers convinced Secretary of State Ritchie that all votes cast by Coleman’s family were faked in photoshop

2. It was discovered that Republican poll challengers had unconstitutionally disenfranchised Mickey Mouse 179 times

1. It would look bad if Mark Ritchie just dumped all the votes necessary for Franken to win at once

Thursday, November 06, 2008

President Obama’s Cabinet

Since the Nihilist has spiked all of my posts calling on the Joint Chiefs to stage a military coup, I’ve decided to join him in welcoming our new celebrity-socialist overlords. In the spirit of cooperation, I offer President-elect Obama my insight into whom he should be considering for his cabinet:

Secretary of State – Scarlet Johansson

Ms. Johansson would be extremely popular with foreign dignitaries. One problem is that she refuses to sleep with those she doesn’t agree with politically. However, I’m sure Obama could convince her to seduce a Sarkozy, Berlusconi, or Merkel, if it came down to that.

Secretary of the Treasury – Oprah
There will be a lot of people pushing Oprah for Secretary of State, but those people will be wrong. Where we need Oprah right now is Treasury. She could drastically increase tax revenue overnight simply by renaming the IRS: “Oprah’s Investment in America Club”.

Secretary of Peace – Stephen Spielberg
If aliens do invade, no one will be better prepared to make peace with the invaders than Stephen “E.T.” Spielberg.

Attorney General – George Clooney
I never saw it, but I hear he played a lawyer in “Michael Clayton”. Plus, he would never replace a U.S. Attorney for partisan reasons.

Secretary of the Interior – Ben Affleck
Obama will have to find a position for Affleck where he can do minimal damage. The outdoors is pretty big and hard to screw up.

Secretary of Agriculture – Bruce Springsteen
The boss once came out with an album titled, “Nebraska”. Nebraska is a big farm state.

Secretary of Commerce – Oprah
I know I already have her at Treasury, but we’re talking Oprah – she could cover the Commerce Department on the weekends.

Secretary of Labor – Chris Rock
Chris Rock has got to be the hardest working man in show business.

Secretary of Heath and Human Services – Ted Danson
Remember, Ted Danson was not just Sam Malone, he was also Dr. Becker.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Barry Manilow
Not so much for the Housing, but for the Urban Development.

Secretary of Transportation – Larry David
Early Prius owner Larry David will be the perfect one to make us laugh while telling us what car we have to drive.

Secretary of Energy – Leonard Nimoy
I can think of no better preparation for heading the Energy Department than serving as the Enterprise’s science officer.

Secretary of Education – Robin Williams or Richard Dreyfuss
This may be Obama’s toughest decision. Should he go with Mr. Holland’s Opus or the Dead Poet’s Society? I say he can’t go wrong either way.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs – Oliver Stone
Stone has to be rewarded for his “W Chronicles” movie and he has always shown an interest in veterans.

Secretary of Homeland Security – P. Diddy
Diddy has managed to survive many years as a prominent rapper. He and his posse must know a thing or two about security.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Show Me A Good Loser . . .

After yesterday's moment of reflection, I can't help but tweak my Democrat friends with the following thought:

If you all had nominated someone with more charisma than dryer lint in 2000 or 2004, this celebration could have been yours far sooner.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


Over the last four years, the left in America has gone insane in their criticism of George W. Bush. I am speaking specifically of, the Daily Kos crowd, Keith Olberman, and many other internet crazies. Always class warriors, they started by proclaiming his tax cuts for all American taxpayers as favoring the rich at the expense of the poor.

The real insanity, however, was in regard to the war in Iraq. Proclaimed a quagmire before it had begun, the war was unlike any America had ever seen. It featured slow progress which frustrated the impatient American people, who are used to their fries with that NOW!

So as the war drew on, the left began throwing out their claims: "we're just going over there to take their oil", "Bush lied about the evidence", and the most ridiculous "he said Saddam was behind 9/11."

Speaking of 9/11, it took a little while, but the completely batshit insane have finally convinced a not so small subset of the American people (and a larger subset of the world) that Bush, rather than the obvious culprits, was the real mastermind of the attacks of that day.

It seemed like smearing Bush was more important to these people than constructing an agenda to improve America. It seemed like insulting and angering those that they disagree with was more important than enacting legislation with a President who clearly demonstrated a willingness to work in a bipartisan fashion (see the clearly bipartisan support for the Iraq war, Medicare modernization and the financial bailout as examples).

And now the GW Bush era is over. In January, Barak Obama will take over as President of the United States and he will have an overwhelming majority of Congress available to advance his agenda, which I do not believe is that of the insane Bush haters.

Now we conservatives are free to adapt the tactics of the left, to abandon reason and make inflammatory proclamations with regard to our new chief executive.

I want to be first. I want to say something so antithetical to the beliefs of the MoveOn, Kos, Olberman nuts that it will give them a taste of what they put us through for eight years. Here goes.

Tonight I say a PRAYER for our new President-elect, Barak Obama. I hope GOD will guide his decisions and give him the strength and wisdom to lead America forward. I also PRAY for our leaders in Congress, that GOD may watch over them too. I realize that this may be too much for the nuts to bear, but tonight I PRAY for them too. To paraphrase Jeramiah Wright (sort of):

GOD bless America? Yeah, what the heck! GOD bless America!

Top 11 Things Barack Obama Supporters Did After Voting Today

11. Felt proud of America for the first time in their lives

10. E-mailed friends in Europe to seek their approval

9. Picked up their cigarettes from ACORN

8. Proposed to their same sex partner

7. Went to the next polling place to vote again

6. Changed their sexual habits based on an expected abortion rich, consequences free environment

5. Patted selves on back saying "Mother was right, I am a good person!"

4. Hit Best Buy to spend some of that wealth spreading coming their way

3. Bought some lottery tickets

2. Planned for career change to new growth industries like government censor or union thug

1. Started drinking

Top 11 Things John McCain Supporters Did After Voting Today

11. Said a prayer

10. Called their favorite talk radio host to tell them how much they're going to miss them

9. Bought a gun to cling to

8. Stocked up on canned goods for the coming apocalypse

7. Pulled all of their money out of the markets and hid it in under their mattress

6. Turned their thermostat as high or low as they wanted to

5. Put their tax attorneys on speed dial

4. Wistfully mused about how a Michael Dukakis administration really wouldn't have been so bad after all

3. Showered, rinsed with Scope

2. Bought copy of Making Sense Out of Suffering by Peter Kreeft

1. Started drinking