Thursday, January 31, 2008

Democrat Presidential Debate Drinking Game Live Blog

Welcome to my live blog of the Democrat’s Presidential Debate! I hate debates and haven’t watched a single minute of one this election cycle. However, the Nihilist has put his foot down (and more importantly allowed me to expense some booze) and I am thus going to live blog the Hillary vs. Obama showdown. To ease the pain and perhaps counteract the spinning, I will also be participating in a debate drinking game. If you would like to follow along at home, the drinking game guidelines are outlined in the previous post.

6:56 PM: What channel is CNN on, again? This live blog may be over before it starts. Its got to be somewhere near Fox News. Oh, never mind, there it is.

6:58 PM: CNN has a lame countdown to the debate graphic on it’s screen. Does anyone really need to know when the debate will start to the second? (don’t answer that, Captain Ed). This isn’t the Super Bowl, folks.

7:01 PM: Wolf Blitzer says this debate is the hottest ticket in town. Really Wolf? Hotter than a Long Beach State vs. UC-Riverside basketball ticket? I think not.

7:04 PM: Did Wolf just say the debate would be 90 minutes?!?!? The Nihilist said nothing about that! WARNING: I may bail out early.

7:05 PM: Wolf said that the only rule is that there are no rules. How about what happens at debate club stays at debate club.

7:06 PM: Break into the booze with the first sentence by a candidate! Obama panders to Edwards right off the bat! Mmmmmm tasty Appletini.

7:07 PM: Obama says that he and Hillary were friends before this campaign and will be friends after. Really? Did they hang out in the Senate cloakroom watching the Cubs game or something?

7:09 PM: Hillary says that the current administration is failed. I should have added that to the drinking game. Where is the Edwards pander, Hil? Oh, wait, there it is! Another Appletini for me!

7:12 PM: Another Hillary suck-up to Edwards on health care. Appletini number three! And a “change” from Hil – rum shot.

7:14 PM: First question was about policy differences between the two, apparently health care and the mortgage crisis are differences, but I’m still unclear on what the differences are.

7:17 PM: Another pander to Edwards from Obama on how he and Edwards both hate lobbyists while Hillary loves them. Appletini four.

7:20 PM: Question two is on Health Care. Sounds like Obama’s health plan really is less commie than HillaryCare.

7:23 PM: I’m zoning out on Hillary’s discussion of her health care plan. Checking out Captain’s Quarters, I see that Captain Ed is not live blogging the debate. I guess the torch has passed. Ed has abandoned political coverage just when it has started to get interesting. You should have paced yourself Captain Ed. We at Nihilist in Golf Pants are tanned and rested and ready to offer the finest political coverage on the web.

7:26 PM: Nice shot by Barack on the secrecy of Hillary’s original health care commission.

7:27 PM: CNN is showing celebrities in the audience; I think that was Rob Reiner they just showed! This is a lot like a super bowl!

7:29 PM: Where is the “change” talk? I am starting to get parched. Don’t the Democrats want change? I’m getting sick of Edwards inspired Appletinis. How about a nice attack on the rich?

7:32 PM: Obama attacks tax cuts on the rich!!!!! He says that the rich don’t want tax cuts, but speaking on behalf of the rich, YES WE DO WANT TAX CUTS!! But, I get my first taste of 25 year Macallan.

7:34 PM: Celebrity sighting! A shot of that guy who played George on Seinfeld, I think.

7:35 PM: Hillary twists the tax and spend question back to health care. Hil baby, you’re starting to become a health care boor.

7:37 PM: Obama bashes the rich! More scotch for moi!

7:38 PM: I am getting annoyed by the audience applause. Why do we need debate audiences? Do candidates really need an applause track? True, we would miss out on audience shots of sitcom supporting characters, but I could live with that.

7:40 PM: An immigration question! Time to break into the tequila! Da dot da dot dot dant ta TEQUILA!

7:49 PM: I completely missed the immigration answers because I was preoccupied with my tequila. I’m going to guess at least one of them said “change” so I’ll be having a shot of rum.

7:53 PM: A commercial? Since when do they have commercial breaks in the middle of debates? This did give them a chance to show more celebrities in the audience. I think I saw Stevie Wonder and George Costanza again. Plus, some woman sitting in front of George who looked kinda familiar.

DRINKING GAME RULE CHANGE: Gin when a celebrity is shown in the audience.

Drink update:
Appletinis: 4
Macallan: 2 deep sips
Rum: 2 shots
Tequila: 2 shots
Gin: 2 shots

I won’t lie to ya, I’m startin to feel them.

7:59 PM: Obama talks about “change” when he’s asked about his lack of experience. You know what that means, RUM yum yum.

8:00 PM: Wow, apparently not joining a big law firm means you are practically Mother Theresa.

8:01 PM: I feel like I’m missing some drinking opportunities while typing. You really need a drinking game spotter if you’re gonna do this.

8:02 PM: They just showed Chelsea in the audience. Is she a celebrity? I say for drinking purposes, YES! GIN! Woooot WOooooot

8:04 PM: Ted Kennedy mentioned, Hil mentions her endorsements from other Kennedy’s. She says “change” about a million times! You go girl!!!!!!! Jameson and lots o’ rum!!!!

8:06 P<: ya know what? Hillary is not really that bad a looker. That necklace is aqua and quite fetching.

8:08 PM: Hillary is writing something, I hope it is her phone number. Ask her what her digits r Wolfie.

8:10 PM: Mary Kat Who? We conservative should admit that Hillary has a darn nice smile. Lovely and caprtivating. Wait, there’s Pierce brosnan, James Bond and Remington Steal! I bet he is goin to try to go home with Hil. Hands off bond.

8:12 PM: celebs! They showed Meathead again and Diane Keaton going out to another commericail b reak! Gin, Gin and Gin! I would like to propose at tost: To the blue in H`illary’s eyes111111

8:17PM I love it when Hil baby has a serious look. Those aqua earring are lovely they bring out the aqua in your hair.

8L:19: I think I just saw ugly betty sitting next to Peta Sellers. Two gins. Stop taliking Barack, your have big ears and no one wants to look at yo. At least show hilly when hes talk.

8:22PM: Lay off on the swips at hilly, Osama/ T-Wolf called you on it, Ha ha ha. Hilly was nice and gracious and cute about it. More then you deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeseeeerve.

8:26 PM: Me likey how hill grasps amnd ungrasps her hands. Very sexy!!!

8:31 PM: shut it Obie wan bananana. We wanta see hill.

8:33 PM: Careful ther hill don’t say mean things about bad actors when you have so many of them in watching th edebate there in Hollywood. They will forgive you because everyone loves yor.

8:35 PNMM: Hil you look cuty when you talk about surrenderinggg. You can surrenter to me baby,

8:38 PM: What is Hilllllllllllllllls best side? [I say left, right ANDD center)

8:41 PM:You know what would be cool? If Hil were to debatge in a bikini.

Lrry Sanders!! Where did I put that gin?

Spielberg shown. He should make a hillary movie. Like when hillary leafs her no good 2 timimig husband an runs off with a sexy consrvatib blogger. Like odd cupple meets some chick flick

Ohhh sexy laff

Hands off barak! No touchy.

Wait done already? What? No! More@ Moe More!@

Ah well, room spinning spinning good night Hil.

Debate Prep

I have completed my debate prep.

With John Edwards out of the race, Hillary and Obama will no doubt be sucking up to him in hopes of winning his voters. When that happens I’ll be ready with the perfect John Edwards metrosexual drink: the Appletini.

Also out of the race is Dennis Kucinich. I guess it is possible that with the race so close, someone will go after his voter. If so, I will be chugging a fine selection from The Flat Earth Brewery.

Immigration isn’t really much of an issue with the Democrats, but if it comes up, I will be ready with a properly documented shot of tequila.

Obama will find it hard to resist bringing up his endorsement by Ted Kennedy. I’m not sure Teddy is Irisih anymore than he is Catholic these days, but nevertheless, I will down a shot of Irish Whiskey if he comes up.

Of course, no Democrat debate drinking game would be complete without downing a shot on any mention of “change”. I rarely drink rum straight-up, so I figure that will be a good “change” shot. I will no doubt tire of rum after a few shots. When that happens, I will “change” back to Bombay Sapphire.

Finally, no Democrat can resist class-warfare bashing of the rich. I will celebrate it with a deep sip of 25 year old Macallan scotch. Needless to say, I’m pulling for a lot of rich-bashing.

Called on the Carpet

SISYPHUS: [poking head through door of the Nihilist in Golf Pants’ office]
So, you wanted to see me?

Nice of you to make it in today. We need to talk about how you have been slacking off in your blogging lately.

What are you talking about, dude? In the past two weeks alone I’ve done that internet meme about privilege and a top 11 list on the reasons Kennedy endorsed Obama.

NIGP: [hurling stapler at Sisyphus]

SISYPHUS: [deftly dodging stapler]
Chill dude, chill. I know my production has been down a bit, but I’m sure it will pick up now that I’ve finished Halo 3. On legendary.

NIGP: [hurling a copy of Corporate Board Member Magazine at Sisyphus]

[NIGP shows off expensive looking watch]

Uh, no, I suppose not.

You’ve got that right. There are going to have to be some changes around here. It looks like I’m going to have to give you a blogging assignment. You will live blog the Democrat debate tonight.

Whooooooooa Dude. I haven’t watched a single debate all season and I’m not about to start with a stomach churning Democrat debate. No way, no how.

Do you realize that even St. Paul has been blogging more than you have lately?

Yeah well, I guess that is pretty bad, but live blogging a Democrat debate with Hillary and Obama …

I’ll tell you what. You can ease the pain by doing one of those debate drinking games while live blogging. A drink every time someone says “change” or mentions Ted Kennedy or tries to pander to John Edwards supporters.

I think someone is already doing the drunk live blogging bit.

So what, everyone steals from everyone on the internet. Besides, you can expense the alcohol.

Brilliant idea!

Developing …

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Top 11 Reasons The Minnesota Twins Traded Johan Santana

11. Their AA affiliate was desperate for pitching

10. Since they already got a publicly financed stadium, they felt no need to field a good team anymore

9. Afraid Hugo Chavez would nationalize him

8. Santana pitched in too many boring low scoring games

7. No space left in team trophy case to hold any more Cy Young Awards or World Series trophies

6. Didn't make enough money on $15 Joe Mauer autographs at Twins Fest

5. Got caught up in Barack Obama's hype about change

4. Felt peer pressured to give up the best player in the league by their buddies in the Vikings (Randy Moss) and Timberwolves (Kevin Garnett) back offices

3. Massive cost overruns from their architectural firms bar tab

2. Wanted to rehash the "Get To Know 'Em" ad campaign and needed some new unknowns

1. Carl Pohlad is a cheap bastard

Monday, January 28, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Ted Kennedy Endorsed Barack Obama

11. Thought he was endorsing Oban Scotch

10. Barack promised to name his jowls a National Landmark

9. Obama promised him a position in his liquor cabinet

8. Barack Obama easier to pronounce than Hillary Clinton when you're drunk

7. Obama expanded his horizons by introducing him to the tasty Appletini

6. Thought an Obama administration would give the country more reasons to drink

5. With Obama out of the Senate, Teddy is convinced he will once again be considered the sexiest Senator

4. Feels that Osama is less likely to attack a nation led by someone with only one letter different in his name

3. Obama’s book gave Ted the audacity to hope that he could bag Scarlett Johansson

2. Wanted to endorse John McCain, but he declined saying he already had enough trouble with the New York Times endorsement (included in hopes of getting a link from Hugh Hewitt)

1. Thinks that Obama will attract hotter interns to Washington than Hillary

Sunday, January 27, 2008

He's Kind of a Big Deal

Mitt Romney can rest easy with the knowledge that he has Captain Ed's endorsement. What could possibly stop him now? Naturally, Hugh Hewitt approves. One wonders how Obama, Clinton, Edwards, McCain, Guiliani and Huckabee can go on in the wake of this news.

This couldn't come at a worse time for this blog, as we were just about to make an endorsement of our own. But Captain Ed pretty much overshadows anything we can do. His endorsement will literally influence dozens of voters in Republican primaries over the next few weeks. Given his nod to Romney, we will have to re-evaluate our position. I wonder who Gnat will endorse.

Inside sources that prefer not to be named say that Gnat likes Romney too. They have a quote from her suggesting that although his style is a bit dry, he is fresh and new and will provide needed change.

Sources retract the last update about Gnat's endorsement of Romney. It turns out that after playing in the wet snow, she just wanted to change into fresh new dry mittens.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

RIP Heath Ledger

After giving consideration to Heath Ledger's all-too brief career, I wonder how people will remember him. I have put my speculation into a parody of the greatest heavy metal song of all time, Rainbow's "The Man on the Silver Mountain":

Heath is dead, Heath is dead
It’s tragic, we have said
His star, once high has fallen

Such a bright young career
Over now, shed a tear
But how will we recall him?

He hit it big it’s true
In “Ten Things I Hate About You”
“The Patriot” secured his fame
But only one film will go with his name

He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain
He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain

He played gay, he played gay
He showed us it’s ok
To watch man on man boppin

Oscar night, Oscar night
Because Hollywood leans right
Best Actor went to P.S. Hoffman

He played an English knight,
and the Joker in “The Dark Knight,”
But when we all recall his name
He’s a gay cowboy again and again

He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain
He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain

In real life he had the hots
For tasty Naomi Watts
Michelle Williams had his kid
But Jake Gyllenhaal’s who we thought he did

He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain
He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain

Well, he could take it right from a man

He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain
He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain

We won’t remember his list of films
‘cept the one where that man reaches ‘round with his hand
He’s the man on the Brokeback Mountain

His role in “Monsters Ball”
We won’t seem to recall
He’s the man on the mountain
The man on the Brokeback Mountain
He played one of "The Brothers Grimm”
But we’ll only remember him
As the man on the Brokeback Mountain

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

He Wished He Knew How To Quit Us

Tragic that a 28-year old father should die in such a fashion. Absolutely tragic, I'm classless and our blog is classless for posting a joke here. Still, I'd think Heath Ledger would have wanted us to make one final Brokeback Mountain joke in his memory. So here are the top 11 reasons Heath Ledger OD'd:

11. Jake Gyllenhall rejected his advances

10. Huge Packer fan and feared a world where Brett Favre retires

9. Global warming

8. Jealous that the AP has already written a Brittany Spears obit

7. Couldn't bear to live without the red carpet at the Oscars during the writer's strike

6. Vowed Batman would never take him alive

5. Thought he was dating Ashley Olsen; found out it was Mary Kate

4. Couldn’t go on when he learned that Fred Thompson dropped out of the Presidential race

3. Heard that Tom Cruise was on the way over to talk Scientology

2. Found out that studios had passed on Brokeback 2: Revenge of the Sheep

1. Pissed Dick Cheney off a little too much

Monday, January 21, 2008

Top 11 Reasons The Packers Lost The NFC Championship Game At Home

11. Several players got lost on the way to the stadium because they couldn't find New York Avenue

10. Didn't want to become the answer to the trivia question, "What team lost the Super Bowl by the largest margin in history?"

9. Overconfident in playing a team that lost to the Minnesota Vikings

8. Green Bay's not really much of a football town

7. Elite media bias in favor of East Coast teams

6. Packers not well suited to cold weather play, Green Bay could use a domed stadium

5. Al Harris was too busy braiding his hair and talking trash to actually bother covering any Giant receivers

4. It turns out watching Saturday evening Seinfeld reruns is an essential part of the Packers pre-game preparation

3. Al Gore assured them that global warming would make long underwear unnecessary

2. Packer players wanted to bring Packer and Viking fans together with the common experience of their team choking away the NFC Championship in overtime against an inferior opponent

1. Favre felt strange having all those guys in the stands with man crushes watching his every move

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Why DVD of Original Sesame Street Episodes Carries an "Adults Only" Warning

It's true. The first episodes are out on DVD, but contain a parental warning. Here are some of the reasons why:

11. Episode where Gordon explains that he was a "sissie" during his time in prison

10. The Count counts the number of discarded needles on Sesame Street

9. Big Bird sees Snuffalufagus after experimenting with psychedelic mushrooms

8. Symbianese Liberation Army operatives attempt to place a bomb under a police car parked on Sesame Street

7. Maria celebrates the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court ruling, which came just in time to solve her "problem"

6. Grover delivers an impassioned speech on how Sesame Street would have less crime if George Wallace had been elected President

5. The Cookie Monster's munchies a direct result of his extensive marijuana use

4. Guest Keith Richards explain the "S is for smack"

3. Ernie moves in with Bert after a long struggle with his sexuality

2. Oscar's grouchiness explained by syphilis

1. Mr. Hooper kneecaps a shoplifter

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Fabulously Wealthy but not Privileged

I had always assumed that being born into an extremely wealthy family meant that I was privileged. But that was before the finest minds at Illinois State, Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka came up with this privilege quiz.

I scored a one out of thirty-three. You would have to be practically homeless to be less privileged than me. No longer will I feel a responsibility to society, because I am one of the underprivileged!

Original source: The list is based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. The exercise developers ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright. [Uh, okay, since it means so much to you]

The one that applies to me is in bold.

Father went to college – nope
Father finished college – nope
Mother went to college – nope
Mother finished college – College is for people who need a trade.

Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor – How embarrassing would that be? These are people you hire; no trade folk in my family.

Were the same or higher class than your high school teachersBesides the homeless, who isn’t?

Had more than 50 books in your childhood home – We threw the out all of our books after reading them.

Had more than 500 books in your childhood home

Were read children’s books by a parent – That’s a laugh; one word: Nanny.

Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 – Lessons in what?

Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18

The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively – Hah! People like us are despised in the media.

Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 – Credit is for poor people who can’t pay cash.

Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs – Again, why would I go to college? To learn to write quizzes like this?

Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs

Went to a private high school – Nope, Malibu public schools.

Went to summer camp – We mostly summered in the South of France, not really a camp.

Had a private tutor before you turned 18 – Tutors are for stupid people.

Family vacations involved staying at hotels – No, we vacationed in one of our vacation homes, duh!

Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 – I’ve bought plenty of new clothes since I turned 18.

There was original art in your house when you were a child – It was always on loan to museums for tax purposes.

Had a phone in your room before you turned 18 – If I needed a phone, it was brought in on a silver tray by the butler.

You and your family lived in a single family house – Our houses were large enough for several families.

Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home – No, the homes were owned by an offshore shell corporation.

You had your own room as a child from age twelve on – My branch of the house was also owned by an offshore shell corporation.

Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course – Aced them without prep courses, thank you very much.

Had your own TV in your room in High School – No, a separate home theater room.

Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College – Most of my money was in Cayman island bank accounts.

Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 – Fly commercial? Perish the thought! Private jets only (the BBJ).

Went on a cruise with your family – We preferred the Alps.

Went on more than one cruise with your family

Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up – Once again, the Nannies.

You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family – You have to monitor these things, or the accountants will rob you blind.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Chad and Learned Foot have been trading insults around the Packers success this year. It's kind of like a rhetorical version of that episode of South Park where Timmy and Jimmy fight.

Can't we stop arguing and enjoy football for football's sake? And can't we enjoy it even more with a little action on the line? I haven't done this in a while, but here are my picks for this weekend (opening line courtesy of USA Today):

Green Bay -7 over NY Giants
There is no way the Packers can possibly fail to cover the spread, much less lose this game. They have the weather, the fans and they have Brett Favre. Let me repeat, the Packers cannot possibly fail to cover.

New England -14 over San Diego
New England is so close they can taste it. Fourteen points is a lot, but this is a team that can make once in a lifetime history. Their opponent is unfortunate enough to have their three best offensive weapons dinged up. While all might play, they all may be somewhat hampered. They don't have enough offensive firepower to hang with the Pats.

Good luck and happy betting. Just to reiterate, my shoe in game of the season is the Packers -7.

The syndicated show, "According to Jim," weighs in on the controversy last night. The following plot summary is 100% true: Jim's doctor tells him that he needs to get his blood pressure down, so he has to cut out annoyances. Jim decides that a client of his, Matt (played by Tom Arnold) annoys the hell out of him, so he will drop him, despite a big financial loss. Before he can tell him, Matt barges into Jim's house and offers to take Jim, a huge Chicago Bears fan, to Lambeau field via booze-laden motorcoach to sit at the 50 yard line and watch the Bears/Packers tilt. He also informs Jim that he is increasing his financial commitment to him. Jim is excited and plans on taking his Ned Beatty-in-Deliverance look-a-like brother in law.

When the motor-coach arrives Matt shows up at Jim's door wearing a Brett Favre Jersey and everyone is in Packers gear. The bus is a booze laden orgy complete with Cheeseheads and transvestites (100% true). The Ned Beatty character hits on one transvestite. When they get out, Jim asks why a bid group of Packers fans would invite two Bears fans to watch the game with them. Matt essentially responds that Packers fans are dicks who can't be happy unless they are making someone else miserable. Ned Beatty defaces their bus with a can of spraypaint and the show ends.

Who knew such wisdom regarding the human condition could exist on "According to Jim?"

Monday, January 14, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Gopher Goalie Jeff Frazee Let In A Goal From 120 Feet Out At St. Cloud State On Saturday Night

11. Actually enjoys hearing the "Sieve!" chant

10. Distracted by bearded economics professor in stands who kept baring his chest

9. Distracted by concern that racist graffiti on SCSU campus hasn't attracted enough media attention

8. Angry that Doug Woog is no longer coach, he could really use $500 under his hat

7. Wanted to see if he could get Coach Lucia to give him "the look"

6. His thoughts were consumed by his upcoming midterms in biochemistry and Elizabethan poetry

5. Was busy admiring the architecture of the National Concrete Center

4. Was busy daydreaming about how super-awesome Barak Obama is

3. Distracted by his new girlfriend in the stands, Ashlee Simpson

2. Distracted by concern that maybe Garth Snowe was right: his development is being retarded

1. He just sucks

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Cynical Vikings Guy: The Seahawks Were Robbed

SISYPHUS NOTES: I have received the following from our favorite Green Bay Packers fan, Cynical Vikings Guy:

As I have noted before in this blog, I have been a fan of the storied Green Bay Packers franchise my entire life. That is why it saddens me that my team has made a mockery of the NFL playoffs at the expense of the Seattle Seahawks.

The NFL entrusted us with hosting an NFC playoff game, trusting that we would provide a playable field, and we failed them. The only sports meant to be played on snow are skiing, biathlon, and snowmobiling. If Football were meant to be played in the snow, it would be played in Canada and not played in Florida and Texas. We Packer fans deserve some of the blame for not insisting long ago that Lambeau Field be dynamited and replaced with a dome. When we made the playoffs, the front office should have made a few calls to Ford Field or the Metrodome so the playoff could be played under fair conditions.

Sadly, we were unable to provide a playable field and thus the only fair thing to do is to forfeit the game. The Seahawks were forced to wear white uniforms that were nearly invisible in the snow, giving them an unfair disadvantage in the passing game. I ask all honorable Packer fans to join me in asking the league to award the Seahawks our spot in the NFC Championship game, especially now that the Giant’s have defeated the Cowboys.

Please NFL; stop us before we destroy the integrity of the game again!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Ron Paul Only Won Ten Percent Of The Vote In New Hampshire

11. Bad name association: most people know at least one "Paul" they don't like

10. Fluoridated drinking water impaired judgment of most New Hampshire voters

9. Reports of black helicopters circling polling places kept many of his supporters away

8. Vox Day endorsement not as influential as RT Rybak's

7. Not enough of his core base of Jewish and African-American voters in New Hampshire

6. Scared voters by vowing to hold them to their state motto "Live Free or Die"

5. His supporters were too busy hording their gold

4. His supporters didn't stalk and harass the media enough

3. Last minute disclosure of old letters from John Cheever where they discussed a relationship

2. Lost the cranky old coot vote to John McCain

1. Most of his supporters stayed home because there is nothing in the Constitution about primary elections

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Top 11 Barack Obama Excuses for Losing the New Hampshire Primary

11. Hillary cast a spell over the voters

10. Obama didn't cry enough; plans emotional breakdown in South Carolina this weekend

9. The Nihilist’s mean spirited post calling Hillary a “Mean Old Bitch” generated sympathy for her

8. Voters were tired of Obama and wanted a change

7. New Hampshire has always been the most racist state in the union

6. Success of Clinton’s last minute telephone campaign: “Go ahead and vote for Obama – if you want to wind up like Vince Foster”

5. New Hampshire isn't gritty and urban, like Iowa

4. The media was too tough on him

3. Losing to a girl will help him with feminist voters later

2. In hindsight, concentrating on winning the junior high vote probably not such a good idea

1. Obama discovered that a man can never win an argument or a primary once the tears start flowing

Monday, January 07, 2008

Just When You Thought The University of Minnesota Was The Most Liberal Place In The World

The University of Michigan slaps them down with a limp wrist.

Section 002 — How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation.

Credits: (3; 2 in the half-term).

Instructor(s): David M Halperin (

Course Description:

Just because you happen to be a gay man doesn't mean that you don't have to learn how to become one. Gay men do some of that learning on their own, but often we learn how to be gay from others, either because we look to them for instruction or because they simply tell us what they think we need to know, whether we ask for their advice or not.

Step 1: Drop your drawers and bend over.

This course will examine the general topic of the role that initiation plays in the formation of gay male identity. We will approach it from three angles: (1) as a sub-cultural practice — subtle, complex, and difficult to theorize — which a small but significant body of work in queer studies has begun to explore; (2) as a theme in gay male writing; and (3) as a class project, since the course itself will constitute an experiment in the very process of initiation that it hopes to understand.

In particular, we will examine a number of cultural artifacts and activities that seem to play a prominent role in learning how to be gay: Hollywood movies, grand opera, Broadway musicals, and other works of classical and popular music, as well as camp, diva-worship, drag, muscle culture, taste, style, and political activism. Are there a number of classically 'gay' works such that, despite changing tastes and generations, all gay men, of whatever class, race, or ethnicity, need to know them, in order to be gay? What is there about gay identity that explains the gay appropriation of these works? What do we learn about gay male identity by asking not who gay men are but what it is that gay men do or like? One aim of exploring these questions is to approach gay identity from the perspective of social practices and cultural identifications rather than from the perspective of gay sexuality itself. What can such an approach tell us about the sentimental, affective, or subjective dimensions of gay identity, including gay sexuality, that an exclusive focus on gay sexuality cannot?

At the core of gay experience there is not only identification but disidentification. Almost as soon as I learn how to be gay, or perhaps even before, I also learn how not to be gay. I say to myself, 'Well, I may be gay, but at least I'm not like that!' Rather than attempting to promote one version of gay identity at the expense of others, this course will investigate the stakes in gay identifications and disidentifications, seeking ultimately to create the basis for a wider acceptance of the plurality of ways in which people determine how to be gay.

Additional note. This course is not a basic introduction to gay male culture, but an exploration of certain issues arising from it. It assumes some background knowledge. Students wishing to inform themselves about gay men and gay culture in a preliminary way should enroll in an introductory course in lesbian/gay studies.

English 317 info page >

This course falls under the Nihilist's rule of identity politics in the classroom: If a course sounds like political correct BS, try replacing the protected minority name with a majority group. If the new class would never be taught, you've found a BS class. I sincerely doubt they would teach a class anywhere on "How to be heterosexual." This makes "How to be gay" a class unlike something that sounds PC, but might be legitamite such as "Poverty in Sub-saharan Africa." "Poverty in Western Europe and North America" could be real per the Nihilist's rule.

Anyway, I thought people were born gay. Weren't people born gay? Isn't that the liberal orthodoxy? If you are born gay, why do you need a class on how to be gay?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Top 11 Indications You Live Next Door to a “Pot Palace”

The Star Tribune entitles an article on suburban homes being used as indoor pot greenhouses, “Do you live next door to a pot palace?” You never know, you just might. Here are the top 11 clues to look for:

11. Pink Floyd pig balloon tethered to the garage

10. Al Franken for Senate sign in front yard

9. Doritos delivery truck visits weekly

8. A half-pipe installed in the backyard

7. Neighbor's host annual Cheech & Chong film festival

6. Their brownies are especially popular at the neighborhood block party

5. They participate in your political caucus only to propose a resolution endorsing the many industrial uses of hemp

4. Regularly petition the city council to rename your street “Jerry Garcia Boulevard”

3. Instead of putting up Christmas lights, they move their lava lamps to the window

2. You run into a co-worker coming out of the house and he mumbles something about his aunt having glaucoma

1. You see your neighbor's house on Snoop Dogg's reality show

Friday, January 04, 2008

Top 11 Headlines That Should Have Been Written After The Iowa Caucuses

11. Iowa Is Big Obama's House

10. Huckin' A Right!

9. Barack Around The Clock

8. Hucka, Hucka, Burnin' Love

7. Barack and Roll!

6. Someone Named "Christopher Dodd" Was Apparently Running for President Too

5. Obama Rama!

4. Fred Not Quite Dead

3. Rudy Stays on the Bench

2. Gravel Pulverized

1. Iowans Check Out the Hill and Come Down for Obama

Top 11 Predicted Hugh Hewitt Interpretations for Romney Coming in Second in Iowa

11) Anti-religious bigots voting for Huckabee

10) Mormon vote suppressed by ESPN Classic's showing of 1979 Holiday Bowl

9) Exactly as predicted, Romney emphatically defeated Duncan Hunter

8) Romney now ideally positioned to run as the comeback candidate

7) People of Iowa don't really represent the values of America anyway

6) Until now, Hugh has been too subtle in expressing his support for Romney on his radio show

5) "A Mormon in the Whitehouse?" was banned in many Iowa libraries.

4) Romney following in Reagan's footsteps, finish second in Iowa and New Hampshire, then win the nomination four years later

3) Due to miscommunication, Romney accidently spent too much time campaigning in the Caucasus Mountains region

2) Counting on the old saying: "America loves a second place finisher"

1) It was another very bad day for Mike Huckabee

We kid Hugh, but he's always got a great show. The added bonus of hearing him try to reconcile months of shameless Romney promotion with this result will be must hear radio.

Tune in tonight, starting at 5 PM Central, on AM1280 The Patriot

Top 11 Hillary Clinton Excuses For Coming In Third At The Iowa Caucuses

11. That bitch, Oprah

10. Iowa farmers were intimidated by her superior knowledge of cattle futures

9. Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich drew off too much of the kook vote

8. Iowans prefer more genuine and experienced candidates like Edwards and Obama

7. What do you expect in a patriarchal society where women only earn 53% of the vote that men do?

6. Hillary’s Iowa supporters were disproportionately Kansas Jayhawk fans who stayed home to watch the Orange Bowl

5. You can't plant voters like you can questioners

4. Attractive female campaign workers spent all day with Bill in a closed-door strategy session and didn't get out the vote

3. Edwards siphoned off too much of the “pretty hair” vote

2. She failed to secure the powerful RT Rybak endorsement

1. Iowa isn’t really much of a caucus state, anyway

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Top 11 Rhymes in Nick Coleman’s Year End Rhyming Column

11. jiggy / Zygi

10. Kluwe / screwy

9. absconded / Wisconsin

8. Metrodome / home

7. glad / Pohlad

6. adieu / Veilleux

5. adieu / Sioux

4. Viso / Kahlo

3. hilarious / Dontarrious

2. wire / Nelson-Pallmeyer

1. bitter / Ridder

(link to column)