Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp

Note: NIGP is proud to offer an opportunity for a very special guest to post on the diminishing opportunities offered to members of the main stream media. Here goes, with our blessing:

We here at the Nihilist in Golf Pants are not totally unsympathetic to the plight of our brethren in the MSM. After all, this is “the Bush economy.”

It’s especially tough here in the Twin Cities. The Pioneer Press has had to lay off full-time reporters in favor $75 a week hobby columnists, and the Star-Tribune has been bought by an investment banking firm, one of those unenlightened businesses where people are actually expected to work for their paycheck.

Things got a little easier for out-of-work dead-tree media types with this posting from

Description:Al Jazeera English, a 24 hour international television network, has immediate opening in Washington DC for the following freelance position(s):
News Writer/Producers - Freelance.

Al Jazeera English is looking for an aggressive, energetic and creative people to join our freelance pool of Writers/Producers. These positions require excellent writing skills and someone who will go beyond just re-typing wire copy to make stories compelling and accurate must be a strong writer and producer, have sharp news judgment, excellent technical skills and the ability to work well with others. Knowledge of current and international events and the desire to help craft the newscast is a must.

A minimum of three years of professional writing experience is required. U.S. applicants only, please. Flexibility is a must. Daily rates vary, depending on experience and assignments. Please e-mail your resume and two writing samples to No phone calls please.

Many reporters were already working indirectly for Al Qaeda – and against U.S. interests – in Iraq. This just makes it more transparent.

Here’s our list of the top-11 other jobs that are suitable for out-of-work Pioneer Press and Twin Cities reporters, as listed on

11. Writer, Oceana.
10. Managing Editor, WireTap Magazine.
9. Associate Editor, National Public Radio.
8. Deputy Editorial Director, Media Matters.
7. Employee Communications Specialist, SONY. (Requires that you don’t mind working for a company that actually makes a profit.)
6. Documentarian, Corporation for a Skilled Work Force.
5. Speechwriter, West Wing Writers, LLC.
4. Executive Director, National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association.
3. Associate Editor, PBS Interactive.
2. Writer/Editor, Rainforest Alliance.
1. Communications Director, Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America.

Nihisist Adds: I'd have put replacement for Molly Ivins at #1.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Lights Out

Those crazy Californians are at it again. In an effort to combat global warming (as I write this it is 7 degrees Fahrenheit in Minneapolis) they are seriously considering banning light bulbs. Here is a list of the top eleven things they are considering banning and their stated reason:

11. Light bulbs (global warming)
10. SUVs (global warming)
9. Guns (violent crime)
8. The Term "illegal immigrant" (offends liberal do-gooders)
7. Smoking (second hand smoke contributes to lung cancer)
6. Manger Scenes (offends atheists)
5. Beef (mad cow disease)
4. Crucifixes (offends Muslims)
3. The Free Market (offends a majority of the California population)
2. The 5 Day Work Week (offends Hugh Hewitt)
1. The American Flag (offends illegal immigrants)

Monday, January 29, 2007

Top 11 Highlights Of the Big Washington D.C. Anti-War Protest

11. Jane Fonda pretending to hijack a plane and crash it into the White House

10. Danny Glover performing a series of anti-war vignettes from Lethal Weapon 4

9. Chuck Schumer revealing the pain and suffering to Iraqis caused by the war as reported to him by his imaginary Iraqi friends

8. The drafting of the Senate's next non-binding resolution decrying America as a nation of imperialist running dogs

7. John Kerry previewing his stand-up act about the troops in Iraq

6. Chuck Hagel and Garrison Keillor singing a duet of Joan Baez songs in French

5. Cindy Sheehan's announcement of the dates for her 2007 world tour of anti-American dictatorships

4. The HUGE coffin

3. Keith Olbermann’s Super Bowl preview

2. Extra-scary giant sock puppets of Bush and Cheney

1. Jesse Jackson’s all new rhyming chants

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Top 11 Phoniest Names on the NRSC Pledge

I think Hugh Hewitt's heart is in the right place with his NRSC pledge. Those wobbly weather vane Republican Senators need to be reminded that getting reelected will be based on more than pandering to the opposite base. But the hammer being utilized, threatened withholding of financial contributions to the NRSC or specific candidates, seems a little flimsy. My observations tell me that bloggers and blog readers aren't exactly the financial lifeline of the party. These folks in particular seem even less likely to put their money where they mouths are:

11. Mike Hunt (14446)

10. Mike Hunt Hurtz (9898)

9. IP Freely (13753)

8. Buttley Fuquer (5346)

7. Ima Buttsnorkel (13301)

6. Dean Barnett

5. Offal Discharge (15626)

4. Dick Pinch (8379)

3. Heywood Jebuzzoff (16328)

2. Anita Cock and Dick Hurtz (16321)

1. Huckleberry Buttsizer (6420)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Top 11 Other Personal Goals of Mitch Berg

Mitch Berg recently stated that it was one of his personal goals to "Try nordic biathalon".

Stop laughing.

Here are the Top 11 other personal goals of Mitch:

11. Master another 12 instruments

10. Stop hyberbolating about 80's sports prognostication

09. Really zing that smug Angry Clown

08. Keep employment for more than 6 months

07. Less buffets, more salads

06. Try running a mile

05. Try a layup

04. Try that game "bowling" I've been hearing about

03. Stop obsessing over "less talented" radio hosts that actually have paid shows

02. 20% reduction in restraining orders initiated by internet dates

01. 20% increase in use of the word "chundering" to describe my holidays

Top 11 Worst Named Sports Arenas in North America

11. Taco Bell Arena - Boise St. University. A place where hot air emissions from Al Gore seem entirely appropriate.

10. Dunkin' Donuts Center - Providence, RI. Next month featuring Smuckers Stars on Ice. My teeth hurt already.

9. Papa John's Cardinal Stadium - University of Louisville. Where every diploma comes with a side of garlic dipping sauce.

8. Value City Arena - The Ohio State University. Former arena was named St. John Arena. Which makes this the worst name change since Cat Stevens converted to Islam.

7. PETCO Park - San Diego Padres. The dog jokes have been writing themselves since it broke ground in 2000.

6. Save Mart Center - Fresno State University. Because K-Mart was considered too elitist.

5. Paul Tsongas Arena - Lowell, MA. No doubt funded by an exorbitant tax on gas.

4. Save-on-Foods Memorial Centre - Victoria, BC. Home arena of the Victoria Salmon Kings. Now on special in Aisle 6.

3. Nutter Center - Wright State University. Where you'd have to be CRAZY not to enroll.

2. YRT2 Arena - Coastal Carolina University. Naming rights apparently owned by a consortium of eye chart manufacturers.

1. Hooker Field - Martinsville, VA. Fan Appreciation Night always draws a crowd.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Top 11 Interesting Facts About Uranus

Learned Foot is not the first person who comes to mind when I think of astronomy, therefore I was surprised when he called on everyone to blog for Uranus today, in commemoration of the 21st anniversary of Voyager 2's closest pass to the planet. To encourage Learned Foot’s newfound interest in science, I hereby join in with the top 11 interesting facts about Uranus (Sources: NASA and Wikipedia).

11. Discoverer of Uranus: Sir William Herschel

10. Escape velocity from Uranus: 47,620 mph

9. Orbital Eccentricity of Uranus: 0.047168

8. Number of moons orbiting Uranus: 27

7. Best name of a moon orbiting Uranus: Sycorax

6. Oblateness of Uranus: 0.0229

5. Average Surface Temperature of Uranus: 68K

4. Surface pressure of Uranus: 120 kPa

3. Longitude of ascending node of Uranus: 74.22988 degrees

2. Polar radius of Uranus: 24,973 km

1. Percent of Methane in the atmosphere of Uranus: 1.99%

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tony Dungy On Theology

A lot of people have commented on Tony Dungy's invoking the name of "The Lord" in his postgame comments after his Indianapolis Colts won the AFC Championship last Sunday. Here is what he said:

I just have to thank the Lord. He did it in such a way that nobody would believe it. We got to give the Lord a lot of credit for giving us the strength to do it.


I think the Lord really tested us a lot from last year.

This led to classy internet comments like this:

Tony Dungy is an idiot.

Generally speaking, Jesus freaks love publicity.

and my favorite:

Do these guys really believe that God was tuned in on His new 56" big screen and cared who won a sporting contest in an endeavor consisting of controlled mayhem,beer commercials and pickup truck ads?

I am certain that someone able to coach a team to the Super Bowl cannot be an idiot. I don't know if he is a Jesus "freak" or if his comments are sincere. I don't even know if God cares who wins a football game.

But is it so ridiculous? God isn't like you or me. He doesn't have a to-do list where He hopes to cross off two or three chores. He isn't bounded by time. He is all seeing, all knowing, all powerful. The first two mean that he is aware of every event of the Patriots versus Colts game Sunday evening.

As a Catholic, I believe He gave us free will. That means, in football terms, he gave the Patriots and the Colts the independence to make their own decisions on how hard they would practice, on what plays they would call, on what substitutions they would make. Catholics and most other Christian denominations believe that free will means God doesn't intervene in human affairs. Yet Catholics pray in petition. They ask God to heal the sick, feed the poor, intercept a Tom Brady pass.

God definitely doesn't answer all prayers. For everyone praying for a Brady interception, there may be another praying for a Brady touchdown pass. Yet only the sickest individual would pray asking for natural disasters, disease or poverty. Yet God allows those conditions to occur.

God answers some prayers and leaves others unanswered. He doesn't owe us or offer us an explanation.

So who are we to criticize Tony Dungy? And more importantly, why would a loving God allow the Bears to win the Super Bowl?

Monday, January 22, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Bill Parcells Has Retired as Coach of the Dallas Cowboys

11. Wants to devote full time to his trademark infringement lawsuit against Nancy Pelosi over the “Big Tuna” nickname

10. After being outed in this photograph, could never face his players again

9. Honoring vow: “The day Rex Grossman makes the Super Bowl as a starting quarterback is the day I retire from football.”

8. Honoring vow: “The day Peyton Manning doesn’t choke in an AFC title game is the day I retire from football.”

7. Won his soul back in a fiddling contest with Jerry Jones

6. Every time he asked Tony Romo to bring him some ribs, he refused

5. The Cowboys have a rule prohibiting coaches from dating the cheerleaders

4. Saw the Al Gore movie on global warming and decided to move somewhere colder than Dallas

3. After working with Terrell Owens he has all the experience necessary to start a chain of daycares

2. Going to concentrate on his hobby - receiving heart bypass operations

1. Starring in new reality series, “Dancing with the Retired NFL Coaches”

Friday, January 19, 2007

Top 11 Next Events to Cause Doomsday Clock to Move Closer to Midnight

11. Paris Hilton elected Pope

10. Gopher football team plays in Rose Bowl

9. DNA tests prove that Tom Cruise is Suri's biological father

8. Barak Obama names Michael Richards his running mate

7. RT Rybak opposes a tax increase

6. Star Tribune circulation increases

5. Hugh Hewitt goes entire day without shamlessly promoting Mitt Romney

4. Nihilist in Golf Pants buys a round at Keegans

3. No Minnesota Vikings are arrested for sexual misconduct for one calendar year

2. People begin to respect Walter Mondale's opinion

1. Kool Aid Report wins City Pages Right Wing Blog of the Year Award

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Anti-Heresy Separated At Birth: Heidi Cullen and Pope Urban VIII

Weather Channel Climatologist Heidi Cullen:
“Meteorologists are among the few people trained in the sciences who are permitted regular access to our living rooms. And in that sense, they owe it to their audience to distinguish between solid, peer-reviewed science and junk political controversy. If a meteorologist can't speak to the fundamental science of climate change, then maybe the AMS shouldn't give them a Seal of Approval. Clearly, the AMS doesn't agree that global warming can be blamed on cyclical weather patterns. It's like allowing a meteorologist to go on-air and say that hurricanes rotate clockwise and tsunamis are caused by the weather. It's not a political's just an incorrect statement.”

Pope Urban VIII:
“That the sun is the center of the world and motionless is a proposition which is philosophically absurd and false, and formally heretical, for being explicitly contrary to Holy Scripture;

That the earth is neither the center of the world nor motionless but moves even with diurnal motion is philosophically equally absurd and false, and theologically at least erroneous in the Faith.
Furthermore, in order to completely eliminate such a pernicious doctrine, and not let it creep any further to the great detriment of Catholic truth, the Holy Congregation of the Index issued a decree which prohibited books treating of sucy a doctrine and declared it false and wholly contrary to the divine and Holy Scripture.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Top 11 Reasons US Cancer Rates Are Dropping

11. Societies most vulnerable are being sent to Iraq

10. New Democratic congressional majority has made everything better overnight

9. It couldn't possibly be that the American health care system is the most innovative and progressive in the world; must just be luck

8. The grim reaper joined a union and is slacking off

7. Increasing murder rate in Democratic controlled inner cities killing more people before they can get cancer

6. Global warming killing everyone first

5. Thanks to Taco John's and Olive Garden, more people are dying of e-coli and heart disease

4. Someone must be illegally using embryonic stem cells to cure cancer

3. Dick Cheney continues to hunt with cancer-prone old guys

2. Smoking bans saving lives - take that Westover!

1. Wal-Mart arranged it because they want more customers

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Nickname Separated At Birth

A nickname separated at birth:
Dallas Cowboys coach Bill “Big Tuna” Parcells, Dunder-Mifflin paper salesman Jim “Big Tuna” Halpert, and Culture of Corruption ender Nancy “Big Tuna” Pelosi.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Top 11 Team Names In Next Weekend's U.S. Pond Hockey Tournament

11. Capitalist Pigs

10. The Federal League All-Stars

9. Pulled Hammies

8. Tea Time With Ms. McGill

7. The Dino Ciccarellis

6. Ogiltorpe

5. Fighting Amish

4. The Skating Elvi

3. Smell The Glove

2. Kari Takko

1. Snakes on the Pond

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Pop Up SP

If you’re like me, you love the blogging excellence that is Brian “St. Paul” Ward, but are often puzzled by his classical references.

This is part of our continuing saga to make St. Paul’s classical references more user-friendly.

From the great man’s Wednesday blog entry on the Minnesota Wild’s Derek Boogaard getting his clock cleaned in a fight with Eric Godard of the Calgary Flames:

For those preferring to shield their eyes from the video record of Boogeyman's Hector-like slaying at the hands of Godard, the Calgary Flames blog provides the blow-by-blow coverage.

What does he mean by Hector-like slaying? I consulted Encyclopedia Mythica for more information:

Hector was the mightiest warrior on the side of Troy during the Trojan War, and he led many of the attacks against the Greek troops. He and Ajax fought to a draw in single combat, and he killed Patroclus, the close friend and companion of Achilles. He was eventually killed by Achilles, who was eager to avenge Patroclus' death. Achilles then desecrated Hector's corpse by dragging it behind his chariot before the walls of Troy, and refused to give up the body for burial. Achilles only allowed the body to receive funeral rites after King Priam came to his tent to plead for its return in person.

Wow, I hope Godard is fined and suspended. The NHL has got to crack down on this corpse desecration thing.

90% of Success Is Just Showing Up

Cal Ripkin, Jr. and Tony Gwynn will be the 2007 inductees to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Gwynn was elected as an eight time National League Batting Champion. Ripkin's entry is based more upon the fact that he played more consecutive games than any other player, rather than what he did in those games. Ripkin played in 2,632 straight games for the Baltimore Orioles, an incredible feat that speaks more to his will and desire than his baseball prowess. Sure, Ripkin's 431 home runs and 3,184 hits certainly make him a likely Hall of Fame candidate. However, he was a lifetime .276 hitter. Therefore, it is my opinion that Ripkin, while a great player, is clearly overrated.

However, there is one area where Ripkin is clearly among the greatest of all time. That area is urban legends. One of the greatest urban legends of all time is that Ripkin had the Orioles preserve his streak by calling a game off after Ripkin found actor Kevin Costner in bed with his wife. From

Upon arriving at his home, he found Kevin Costner in bed with his wife, Kelly. Cal then proceeded to beat the crap out of Costner, to the point that Costner was unable to make any publicity opportunities for a time. Cal then called the Orioles, and told them he wouldn't be coming in to play that day. Upon hearing this, the owner reminded Cal about his streak, telling him The Streak would end if he didn't play that day. Cal told him it was impossible for him to come in, so there went the streak. Reportedly, the owner told him not to worry, because he would take care of it. That night, the game was cancelled due to "electrical failure" with some lights on the field.

Clearly a Hall of Fame caliber rumor. Unfortunately, goes on to say that it is completely false:

A scheduled 14 August 1997 game between the Orioles and the Seattle Mariners was cancelled due to lighting problems, but there was nothing "mysterious" about it. A ground fault interrupt kept tripping the circuit breaker each time the lights in the right-field bank were turned on, and the game's 7:35 P.M. starting time was pushed back as a crew worked on the problem.

The game was later cancelled.

Whether the electrical outage was "mysterious" or not, it wasn't concocted to keep Ripken's streak alive by forcing the cancellation of a game he would otherwise have missed. News reports of the day's events prove Ripken was present at the ballpark, suited up and ready to play; both fans and reporters noted him sitting in the dugout and playing catch along the sidelines that evening.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Top 11 Reasons That The Ohio State Lost To Florida Last Night

11. Buckeyes overconfident after listening to Hugh Hewitt's radio show all last week

10. Maurice Clarett should still be eligible to play, but he's in prison

9. The Art Schlichter money was on the Gators

8. Concerned that if they play too well they may be drafted by the Vikings

7. Jim Tressel has been distracted and looking over his shoulder ever since he heard Glen Mason was on the market again

6. Buckeye players worried that extended bowl season would cause them to miss too much class

5. Buckeyes finally realized just how gay Jim Tressel's vest really is

4. Buckeyes thought they might get more national TV games next season if they played like Notre Dame

3. At coin flip, John McCain made a last minute deal with refs to screw the Buckeyes

2. Inspirational pre-game speech given by Dennis Kucinich

1. Troy Smith thought that showing he could choke in the big game would help get him drafted by the Cleveland Browns

Monday, January 08, 2007

Top 11 Taunts We Would Have Made Had We Been Present at Saddam’s Hanging

11. You should have campaigned harder for Al Gore!

10. Ashton Kutcher went all out to punk you!

9. Maybe the Star Tribune editorial board will storm through that door and save you

8. You’re about to drop like a pass thrown to Troy Williamson!

7. Don’t you wish you’d accepted that offer of exile you received before the war?

6. At least you won't have to face the consequences of global warming!

5. Who do you like, Florida or Ohio State – Oh, that’s right, you won’t live to see the game

4. Relax, hanging is more painless than being killed by poison gas

3. Saaaaaaaaddam Saaaaaaaaaaaddam Saaaaaaaaaaaddam Saaaaaaaaaaaddam

2. Glenn Mason lasted longer than you!

1. Shalom!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Rock Solid in the Blogosphere for Fall 2007

Once again, the Rock Solid in the Blogosphere award has sewn controversy and contention behind the scenes here at Nihilist in Golf Pants. The controversy: whether to allow repeat winners of the Rock Solid.

Without a doubt, the best thing going on the internet these days is the HamNation videos by Mary Katharine Ham (Note to Why no Ham Nation archive?). The problem is that Mary Katharine Ham has already won a Rock Solid for her blog, before she even started doing Ham Nation. If we allow M-Kat to win again and again, no matter how deserving, the Rock Solid will run the risk of becoming like our Person of the Year Award (won by the Sun thirty-eight of the last forty years) – all suspense will be lost. Thus, as the Awards Editor at Nihilist in Golf Pants, I have made the difficult decision that the Rock Solid award can only be won by a person once.

That means we are down to two nominees for Fall 2006, Kevin Ecker of Eckernet and Mitch Berg from Shot in the Dark. Without further ado, the Rock Solid goes to Kev … Wait a minute, wait a minute, we have a last minute nominee … Craig Westover! The Rock Solid in the Blogosphere award for Fall 2006 goes to St. Paul Pioneer Press hobby columnist and blogger Craig “Captain Fishsticks” Westover. And since Captain Fishsticks is old, he is eligible for the Rock Solid in the Blogosphere Lifetime Achievement Award!

Although we are jealous that he makes $75 more for each column than this blog has made in its entire existence, we must acknowledge his excellence. Whether he is giving us a guided tour of the liberal mind, destroying arguments in favor of smoking bans, or exposing the possible links between vaccines, mercury and autism, Captain Fishsticks is the MOBs go to guy for Gravitas (but he is no stranger to satire). Congratulations to Rock Solid in the Blogosphere for Fall 2006 (lifetime achievement), Craig Westover!

Top 11 Changes in Store Now That Nancy Pelosi has Given Power to “The Children”

11. Nationwide minimum allowance of $100 per week

10. All Halliburton contracts awarded to Bob the Builder

9. Repeal of sales tax on candy

8. No timeouts without conviction by a jury of peers

7. School day cut to two hours, an hour and a half of which must be recess

6. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Elmo all awarded the Medal of Freedom

5. Removal of draconian prohibitions against porn, tobacco, and alcohol during Saturday morning cartoons

4. Forced eating of vegetables considered a violation of the Geneva Convention

3. Thomas the Tank Engine given control of Amtrak

2. Soda pop in all of the nation’s drinking fountains

1. Our new national anthem: The Barney song

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Top 11 Changes in Store for Minnesota Now That We Have A Communist Endorsed Secretary Of State

11. New Twins stadium to be named "Glorious Field of the Peoples' Revolution"

10. Minnesota will soon become dominant in “women’s” weightlifting

9. Statues of Paul Wellstone will be erected in all public parks.

8. Garrison Keillor given lavish stipend to broadcast propaganda on government radio

7. All elections in Minnesota will have only one candidate

6. Will change the name of his office from Secretary of State to Administrative Assistant of State

5. David Strom's show trial to open shortly

4. Puppet governments to be established in North and South Dakota

3. Official state drink changed from milk to white Russian

2. All residents required to put up lawn signs saying "Another Comrade Happy To Pay More For A Better Minnesota"

1. An evil empire with a touch of Minnesota nice

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Why Glen Mason Thinks He Was Fired

11. Minnesota fans don't appreciate how difficult it is to get a bowl invitation

10. He was too open and affable with media and fans

9. That coach for Boise State ruined the curve by going undefeated and winning the Fiesta Bowl in his first season (anyone can win at a football school like Boise State)

8. He was the victim of negative and biased media coverage, especially from WCCO

7. The "Fire Mason" chants, even at hockey games, crushed his self-esteem making it hard to come up with a decent prevent-defense

6. Academic standards at the U of M are too high

5. He didn't toot his own horn often enough

4. New outdoor stadium scared away potential recruits from warm weather climates

3. Spiraling Minneapolis crime rate scared away potential recruits from all other states

2. Tough non-conference schedule against teams like Kent State and Temple wore down the team for the Big Ten season

1. No one could follow a football legend like Jim Wacker