Top 11 Next Events to Cause Doomsday Clock to Move Closer to Midnight

11. Paris Hilton elected Pope

10. Gopher football team plays in Rose Bowl

9. DNA tests prove that Tom Cruise is Suri's biological father

8. Barak Obama names Michael Richards his running mate

7. RT Rybak opposes a tax increase

6. Star Tribune circulation increases

5. Hugh Hewitt goes entire day without shamlessly promoting Mitt Romney

4. Nihilist in Golf Pants buys a round at Keegans

3. No Minnesota Vikings are arrested for sexual misconduct for one calendar year

2. People begin to respect Walter Mondale's opinion

1. Kool Aid Report wins City Pages Right Wing Blog of the Year Award