Top 11 Answers To The Question: Where Are The Women

As the Obama Administration has trampled on religious freedom, Planned Parenthood and Emily's list have both tried to characterize resistance to the HHS dictate as anti-woman. Recently Planned Parenthood's Facebook page (I refuse to link) and an e-mail from Emily's list published this photo of the congressional testimony on religious freedom with the caption: where are the women?

Here are the top 11 answers to the question: where are the women?

11. Still out in the street attempting to parallel park

10. It's a long walk of shame from Bill Clinton foundation's DC office to congress for female contraception advocates

9. Justin Bieber testifying on music piracy down the hall

8. Testimony conflicted with Susan G Komen race for the abortion

7. Testimony scheduled during "The View"

6. Rumor that there was a spider under the witness table

5. Impact of global warming disproportionately impacts women

4. Congress provided a perfectly good map to several women's rights organizations

3. DC Macy's shoe department had a sale yesterday

2. Photo was taken at the opening of testimony, not 40 minutes late

1. Everyone in the picture technically a female member of GLAAD

Top 11 Reasons President Obama Is Smarter That The Guy Who Runs The @4More Twitter Account

The guy behind the Twitter account @4More tweeted yesterday, "I can honestly look at President Barack Obama and say, 'that man is smarter than me'."

While I agree with his assessment, I'd caution that he's setting a pretty low bar for the president to clear. Here are the top 11 pieces of evidence 4More isn't as smart as Obama:

11. 4More invested his own money in General Motors and Solyndra

10. 4More is a Packers fan

9. 4More married an ugly woman who wasn't a rich lawyer

8. 4More's autobiography is titled "Dreams of My Hamster"

7. 4More thinks there are 58 states

6. 4More had the idea to send guns AND hookers and booze to Mexican drug cartels

5. 4More has a public school education, while Obama was educated in Indonesia

4. 4More still thinks Joe Biden was as an excellent pick as Vice President

3. 4More can't organize his sock drawer, let alone a community

2. 4More's checkbook routinely off by several trillion $

1. 4More actually believes the stuff Obama says

Ethel Merman Meets Ron Paul

This morning I saw a snarky article titled "Sh#t Libertarians Say." It featured many unfunny comments like: the Fed is the root of all evil or do you accept gold?

However, there was one comment that made me smile: there's no government like no government. That classis Ether Merman standard could and should be updated to feature libertarian ideals:

There's No Government Like No Government

There's no goverment like no government
I like no government I know
Nearly every law deserves repealing
Don't dare tell me what you will allow
Oh how you would get that happy feeling
Ending the stealing of taxes now

There's no need for government people
They're lowest of the low
Every one's a turkey both evil and bold
They leave you stranded out in the cold
US dollars stink, you need a sack of gold
Government has got to go!

The butcher, the baker, the grocer, the clerk
Are secretly unhappy men becau-ause
The butcher, the baker, the grocer and the clerk
Pay too much taxes due to unjust laws
They'd gladly bid their dreary jobs goodbye
For the welfare train and and why, why-y?

There's no goverment like no government
I like no government I know
Think of all the wars that they have started
On poverty and drugs and on and on
On April 15, money and you'll be parted
Totalitarianis keep dropping bombs

There's no need for government people
They're lowest of the low
Government teachers told you you would not go far
Policemen hastle and stop your car
Like Nazi's they'll require us
To wear a star
Government has got to go!

Nihilist Football Picks: Super Bowl Prediction

Here's my final prediction of the year:

Patriots -3 over Giants

I'll either end up 32-27-1 or 31-28-1 for the pros. I'd remind folks that I went 30-21 in College.

Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Newt That Will End His Presidential Campaign

Nancy Pelosi appeared on CNN yesterday with some disturbing revelations. And I'm not just talking about her new hair cut. She also had some salacious innuendo to pass along about Newt Gingrich:

Nancy Pelosi told CNN last night that Newt Gingrich would definitely not become president, whether he was the GOP nominee or not.

"He’s not going to be president of the United States,” Pelosi said. “That’s not going to happen. Let me just make my prediction and stand by it. It isn’t going to happen.” Asked why she was so certain by CNN host John King, Pelosi said, “There’s something I know,” but did not elaborate on what she was referring to.

That has the unmistakeable air of a Eugene Joe McCarthy boast about having a list of 205 known Communists in his pocket. Of course, Tail Gunner Joe never shared that list with the public. Time will tell if Pelosi ever does. Until then, we'll have to settle for our speculation on the Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Newt That Will End His Presidential Campaign.

11) attended a church for 20 years led by an America-hating preacher

10) is friends with 60's radicals who once bombed US government buildings

9) has several relatives who are illegal aliens

8) wants to bankrupt energy companies that use coal

7) is a proven ideological zealot

6) doesn't believe gays have the right to get married

5) used as a fundraiser a felon convicted of corruption, fraud, and money laundering

4) sold guns to Mexican drug cartels

3) believes Americans are bitter and cling to guns, religion, and antipathy toward people not like them

2) once claimed there are 57 states in the United States

1) believes he has the power to slow the rise of the oceans

Oops, mistake there. Those are the Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Barack Obama But Makes Her Want to Re-Elect Him Anyway. I shudder to think what she has on Newt that will beat this impressive record!

UPDATE: My editor, the Nihilist himself, phoned in from somewhere on the Vegas strip with a correction. The communist baiter referenced above was Joe McCarthy, NOT Eugene McCarthy. We regret the error and will submit this for consideration on the next This Week in Gatekeeping for HWX.

The Nihilist also averred that if Eugene McCarthy were carrying a list of communists in his pocket, his own name would be on it.

Top 11 Shocking Revelations From Newt Gingrich's Ex-Wife

11. Habitually left toilet seat up

10. Real name is Willard

9. Found "The Three Stooges" highly entertaining

8. Driven by his intense hatred of the people of South Carolina

7. Wanted to sleep rather than snuggle after sex

6. Insisted on taking all vacations at swingers resorts in the Cayman Islands

5. Would have done Monica Lewinski

4. Would have done Hillary Clinton

3. Was named after singer Juice Newton

2. Planned follow-up for "Contract with America" was "Open Marriage with America"

1. Prefers young, hot women to bitter old hags

Top 11 Reasons the Obama Administration Killed the Keystone XL Pipeline

11. Was under the impression it was for sending really crappy beer

10. Michelle doesn't like the idea of him laying pipe

9. When people have jobs and oil they start voting Republican

8. Thinks there is an ironclad rule about having to trade blood for oil,
squeamish about implications

7a. America isn't really much of an oil using country, anyway

7b. Worried that if there is a spill, EPA regulators will be mocked as "Keystone Cops"

7c. Concerned that letting private sector create jobs will set a bad precedent

6. Pipelines sometimes leak whereas shipping oil has a 100% environmental
safety record

5. Still believes in 54, 40 or fight

4. Let the Canadians build an oil pipeline and the next thing you know
they'll want to build a maple syrup pipeline

3. Insisting the Canadians send us more wind instead

2. Republicans in Congress panicked him into cancelling the Pipeline by setting a deadline for a decision.

1. It is way cooler to import oil via high-speed rail

Nihilist Football Picks: Pro Conference Championships

Last week I went 1-2 in the pros to bring my season total to 29-27-1, after going 30-21 with college picks. There are only two games this week, and I'll take the points in both:

Ravens +9 at Patriots
Giants +3 at 49ers

Top 11 Reasons the Packers Lost to the Giants on Sunday

11. Negative ads by the Giants Super PAC destroyed their self-confidence

10. Packers stayed up late past curfew Saturday night celebrating Miss Wisconsin being crowned Miss America

9. In hindsight, copying the Badgers Hail Mary pass defense probably a mistake

8. Thought Giants was just a nickname, but those guys were HUGE

7. Mistakenly assumed game was just an exhibition, as national media had already crowned them Super Bowl champions

6. Global warming induced thawing of the frozen tundra took away home field advantage

5. Couldn't overcome the unusual circumstance where referees only favored Packers on 99% of the calls

4. Big Madonna fans, they didn't want to miss watching her Super Bowl half time show by having to be in the locker room at the game

3. Clay Matthews hair got in his eyes on key plays

2. Aaron Rodgers started believing those State Farm commercials that he wasn't really an NFL quarterback

1. New York teams less nauseated by the urine and vomit at Lambeau than most other visiting teams