Top 11 Star Tribune Headlines If Coleman Would Have Won the Disputed Recount

The Minnesota Supreme Court ends the Minnesota election contest, effectively naming Al Franken the winner. The Star Tribune's front page headline reaction:

At last, a second senator for Minnesota

The exasperation is palpable. That pesky legal process and getting a fair hearing for disputes is sooooo annoying. At last, we get to add a hyper partisan ultra-liberal Democrat politician to a governing body already crawling with them. What a relief!

The slow motion nightmare of this election, which miraculously evolved from a 700+ vote lead for Coleman on election night to a 300+ loss is indeed over. There were enough intriguing subplots (including missing ballots, found ballots, double counted ballots, uncounted ballots, a series of uni-directional clerical errors, lax standards, moving standards, unequal standards, etc.) to merit a best selling political thriller. Or a horror movie screenplay, if you are a Republican. (In fact, I'm working on a treatment of it for the next sequel in the Saw franchise).

The lack of journalistic curiosity and ginned up outrage over the high strangeness of some of the procedures and outcomes were constant themes. That Star Tribune headline is a perfect ending to their role in the process. But I wonder, if the election played out in the exact same way, except Franken and Coleman's roles were switched, what would the headline be?

Here are the Top 11 likely suspects:

11) Coleman's Victory A Hollow One As Doubts Linger

10) Coleman Wins, Minnesota Voters Lose

9) Court Imposes Verdict On Voters

8) Coleman's Coup Complete

7) Senator George W. Coleman

6) Disenfranchisement: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit

5) Laurie Coleman Out of Sight As Norm Declares Victory: Senator to Visit Argentina?

4) Secretary of State Ritchie Fails to Live Up to His Potential

3) Supreme Court and Coleman to Minnesota Voters: Drop Dead

2) There Goes Our Bailout

1) Our Democracy Is Burning

Top 11 Reasons Mark Sanford Didn't Really Want To Be President Anyway

11. Much easier to slip away from South Carolina state patrol for romantic rendezvous than the Secret Service

10. Got his eye on a zesty Chilean widow

9. Wasn't looking forward to endless SNL skits on how he can see Argentina from his house

8. It's actually unconstitutional for the President to have an affair with a foreign national

7. Presidential mistress selection is pretty much limited to un-exotic interns

6. Couldn't bear giving David Letterman any more easy jokes

5. Date of the 2013 State of the Union Address clashes with a planned hike along Appalachian Trail

4. Calculated his odds of ever getting together with a Argentinean divorcee. Mathematically, he had to do it.

3. Would rather spend time hiking in Anothervagina State Park

2. Afraid wife would keep White House in divorce proceedings

1. As President, couldn't participate in his new reality show "Mark and Kate + twelve"

Top 11 Potential Problems Leading to Fourth of July Embassy Party Invitations to the Iranians Being Rescinded

11) Long beards constantly dangling in the potato salad

10) After watching fireworks, Iranians begin long range bottle rocket development program

9) Singing of "America the Beautiful" interrupted with chants of "Death to America"

8) Horseshoes tournament ends with fatwa being declared against winning team

7) Flags meant for waving used for burning

6) Everyone drinking from the keg would be stoned (literally)

5) Ted Kennedy shows up drunk; feels up mullah's wife

4) Embassy cake decorators having a difficult time fitting "We're sorry for the many sins of our evil imperialist government" on an 11" X 15" cake

3) Worried about Iranians being exposed to the anti-American views of Obama appointees

2) Taliban crash the party sarcastically asking if their invitation got lost in the mail

1) All Americans present taken hostage for 444 days

Top 11 Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Went To Argentina Instead Of Hiking

11. Research for his upcoming role in the National Governor's Association presentation of Evita

10. Wanted to see for himself what it looks like when a government REALLY intervenes and screws up the economy

9. He's a big Malbec guy

8. Conducting fundraising events among "unique" refugee community in Argentina

7. Thought that apprehending a Nazi war criminal would boost his Presidential chances

6. Wants to wear his Speedo in public without feeling self-conscious

5. Was going to just go out for ice cream, but feared the press would blow it out of proportion

4. Wanted to see if Argentina would cry for him

3. Brushing up on his tango moves before appearing on upcoming season of "So You Think You Can Dance?"

2. Hookers there less likely to know how to contact cable news organizations or hire literary agents

1. Thought it would be hilarious to see what kind of explanation his staff would come up with

Top 11 Real Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Mysteriously Disappeared To Hike The Appalachian Trail

11. Looking for Bigfoot

10. Publicity stunt for his cameo appearance on next season's premiere episode of Lost

9. He's got four boys at home, can you blame him for wanting to get away?

8. Got a killer pair of boots on sale at REI and just had to try them out

7. Trying to prove his presidential timbre by taking on the most feared of all wilderness creatures: the Georgia swamp rabbit

6. Trying to develop a taut buttocks to compete with Tim Pawlenty in 2012

5. Reenacting his favorite scene from "Deliverance"

4. Desperately trying to get in shape before Obama health care plan hits

3. Like Sean Penn, really admired Christopher McCandless and wanted to imitate him after a viewing of Into the Wild

2. South Carolina legislature passed a resolution to send him on a snipe hunt

1. Fleeing from Federal officials who are chasing him down with stimulus $s

Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune Plan to Exit Bankruptcy

According to the Star Tribune, the Star Tribune has filed plans to exit bankruptcy in the fall. Since we don't trust bankrupt organizations, we didn't bother to read the article. So here is our guess on the Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune plan to exit bankruptcy.

11) From now on, report only good news

10) Start a new section devoted exclusively to news about Brett Favre joining the Vikings

9) Get James Lileks to exploit even more exciting new media platforms; next up, CB radio broadcasts

8) Continuing to work really hard to get DFL supermajority, then press for a taxpayer bailout

7) Aggressively pursue City Pages' lucrative S&M escort advertising market

6) Replace the old and tired "Blog House" with the fresh, new "Twitter Condo"

5) Follow new Obama-era legal precedent of screwing debtholders and transferring financial assets to union employees

4) Sunday paper to become nothing but coupons

3) Adopt local conservative radio business model and get people to work for free (oops, already trying that)

2) Put a large photo of Obama on the front page of every edition

1) Start presenting both sides of every issue, DFL and Green Party

Top 11 Bipartisan Resolutions Ron Paul Would Vote Against

Ron Paul holds the distinction of being the only member of the House of Representatives to vote against a measure expressing support for democracy in Iraq. Here are some other bipartisan measures Ron Paul would have trouble supporting:

11. Resolved: puppies are cute
10. Resolved: ice cream tastes good
9. Resolved: Abraham Lincoln was a good President
8. Resolved: parliamentary procedure is boring
7. Resolved: the Federal Reserve is a legitimate organization
6. Resolved: the sun rises in the east and set in the west
5. Resolved: Barbara Boxer should not ask generals to refer to her as “Her Royal Senator Smarty-Smart”
4. Resolved: Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer
3. Resolved: the US Constitution is not unconstitutional
2. Resolved: the sale of nuclear arms to private citizens should be restricted by the government
1. Resolved: Ron Paul is an attention whoring whack-job

SAB: Barack Obama and Bud Selig

What could Barack and Bud have in common? Well, they are both ultimately responsible a new type of transportation.

Our President now runs Chrysler, which is introducing the 2010 "GEM Peapod," a car that may save the environment, but would certainly kill you in a crash. Not the mocking smile on the front.

And Baseball's commissioner was responsible for the early 2000's "Bullpen Car," (this model is from 2004) a golf cart decked out in team logo that could kill your pennant hopes if it contained LaTroy Hawkins as a passenger.


Hat tip to NDNation

One Threw Over The Cuckoo's Nest

We give up. So far we've resisted getting baited into the controversy that seems to have already dragged on forever. But our resistance has its limits and we've reached the point where we can hold out no longer.

Since the talk in these parts is pretty much all-Favre all the time these days, we're going to break our boycott and add our two cents to a matter that's garnered attention and interest far beyond reasonable expectations. It is a phenomenon that defies rational explanation and borders on mass delusion. The reaction of many Viking fans is almost a textbook definition of the madness of crowds.

So we offer a voice of sanity calling out in the wilderness of hysteria with a simple message: Yes Favre, yes way, yes how. Yes super star, yes Super Bowl, yes super-sized expectations. T-Jack is a train wreck and Sage is probably going to end up being the little quarterback that couldn't (I think I can, I think I can...). I'd rather not suffer these tools when I can see number four wearing purple (tingle). Some things are just meant to be and this is clearly one of them.

Please start the madness. And vote in our special Favre poll on the left sidebar.