Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Oh, Where Have You Been, My Brown-eyed Son?

I recently realized that I had abdicated comedy gold by failing to comment on the going's on of President Obama's imaginary son. You may remember that we first met him when the President was practicing racial divisiveness after the death of Trayvon Martin. Obama, implying that Martin was killed because of the color of his skin, noted, "If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon."

We met his imaginary son later in a comment about big-time sports, a topic Obama seems to enjoy opining on, as opposed to public policy. Concerned about the NFL's record on concussions, Obama stated, "if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football." This statement is ridiculous on its face. If President Obama had a son, I think it's obvious that the First Lady would make the decision regarding whether he would play football.

I believe the American public deserves to know more about the President's imaginary son. One of the great benefits of having an imaginary member of the First Family is that the President isn't the only one who can fabricate stories about his exploits. I can make them up as well as anyone. The following story details the recent exploits of the fictional, though still very real in terms of ability to set a political narrative, Herb Obama.

I was shocked to see Herb Obama snuck out of the White House last Saturday . It is incredibly easy for him to elude the Secret Service, being imaginary and all. Where did he turn up? At the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight. I was more surprised to find the first ever photo of Herb Obama:

Image result for bieber mayweather burger king
Yes, that is Herb Obama in the Burger King suit. There is a lot wrong with this picture. Does he not care about Mayweather's history of domestic violence? Why is he disguised as the Burger King? And why did he appear with Justin Beiber?

The report gets worse. It seems that ol' Herb made out with none other than Miley Cyrus at the after party. Fortunately, the Secret Service soon caught up to him. After a thorough delousing, he was sent back to the confines of the President's imagination.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

This Clip From "Married With Children" Is Even More Relevant Today

I don't normally post the work of others without comment, but this is just too good.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Top 11 Obama Plans to Diffuse the Situation In Baltimore

11. Have Michelle visit the city to encourage more Whole Foods to open so rioters have healthier looting options

10. Point out to rioters that their actions are only creating more racist murdering police

9.  Offer to cave in to all demonstrators' demands while getting nothing in return (the Cuba/Iran playbook) 

8.  Send Amy Klobuchar back to the corn field to come up with some fresh ideas
7.  Send Tweet:  #FundmentallyTransformAmerica  Wait, you thought I was serious about that?

6.  Issue a statement: Sure the rioting in Baltimore was disturbing, but we shouldn't get on a high horse & ignore the far more horrific sacking of Jerusalem during the First Crusade

5.  Pledge to drive out legacy of racism left over from last Republican Mayor Theodore McKeldin in 1967

4.  Send Al Sharpton in to calm the situation

3.  Have his economic advisors explain how riots actually act as Keynesian stimulators and thus are good for the economy

2.  Appear at event with local sports heroes Ray Rice and Ray Lewis to condemn violence
1.  Go off to play golf and hope everything somehow works itself out (the Obama Doctrine)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

HWX: Head Like a Hole

It’s a very special midweek edition of HWX, with Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihlist in Golf Pants reconvening to discuss the critical issues of our times.  Topics addressed include:

*  Spring has finally sprung in Minnesota,  info on pre-emergent crabgrass herbicide, a poetry reading, and questions about where the new leaves on the trees come from.

*  Positive evidence of global warming, and we feel fine about it.

* Hillary Clinton officially announces her Presidential run, and we offer our advice and demos for campaign theme song (with strategic appearances by Tammy Wynette, the Smiths, and Nine Inch Nails).

*  This Week in Gate Keeping – featuring PBS and the cover up of Ben Affleck’s notorious relatives and the New York Times blows an obituary.

*  A celebrity salute to Earth Day, with Mike Nelson.               

All feedback from Ricochet members welcome in the comments section.   Did you love the show?  Did you hate it?  Did it inspire boundless waves of apathy?  We want to know!  Hope you enjoy (but we can’t be sure).

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Top 11 Iranian Concessions In Obama's Nuclear Deal

11. Replace future references to "Death to America" with calls to "fundamentally transform America"

10. Reduce carbon footprint associated with the stoning of infidels by half by 2050

9.  Lots of pistachios

8.  Iran agrees to allow one nuclear inspector (provided it is Joe Wilson)

7.  Massive donation to The Clinton Global Initiative

6.  Will relative US of burden of military leadership on middle east

5.  Will force all Iranian pizza parlors to cater all Iranian gay weddings 

4.  John Kerry granted windsurfing rights in Iranian territorial waters

3.  Will help hold Russia in check by buying up much of their advanced military hardware

2.  Agrees to behead two Christians for every homosexual executed

1.  Will wait until a Republican is President before nuking Israel

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Top 11 Suggested Tweets for Hillary's Presidential Candidacy Announcement

According to reports, sometime tomorrow @HillaryClinton will announce her candidacy for President of the United States via Twitter.  As a gesture of bipartisan cooperation, here are our suggested Tweets for the occasion.

11)  Ready for Hillary, or are you some sort of misogynist?  #noh8in2016

10)  Stick it to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, one more time  #VoteHillary2016

9)  My husband was blown by an intern so I deserve this.

8)  If I have to spend time in Iowa for nothing again, there will be hell to pay. #NotAThreatAPromise

7)  Vote Hillary. At least you’ve heard of me.

6)  Give yourself over to the dark side. Use your anger as a weapon. #Vote Hillary!

5) My Republican opponent [FILL IN NAME] is an ignorant, hateful threat to our children.  #VoteHillary2016

4)  Time to #RESET the nation.

3)  It’s my turn, dammit!

2)  Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

1)  Vote for me for President.  At this point, what difference does it make?

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Spring Fever With Clark Griffith

It’s a special midweek edition of HWX, with Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihilist in Golf Pants reconvening to discuss the critical issues of the day. Topics addressed include:
  • The looming tax deadline and the odds that we got our returns correct.
  • The looming announcement of Hillary Clinton’s presidential candidacy and our attempt to play by the Hillary rules of appropriate discourse.
  • the Indiana religious freedom imbroglio and the rapidly changing, and quickening pace of societal change.
  • The return of This Week in Gate Keeping with the Rolling Stone correction and lack of contrition.
We also talked some baseball with Minnesota’s grand man of the game, former Twins co-owner Clark Griffith. He opines on the current state of the game and reminisces about the old days with the Washington Senators and stealing items from Harry Truman’s desk
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