Saturday, April 21, 2012

Old Shep: The Obama Version

The story of how our president used to eat dogs makes me wonder how the classic song "Old Shep" would go as sung by Barack Obama:

When I was a lad and old Shep was a pup
O'er hills and meadows we'd strayed
Just a boy and his dog we were both full of fun
But I wondered just how Shep would taste

I was living that time in that Indonesian hole
When many have starved beyond doubt
Shep was unsuspecting and gentle and tame
He had no clue how this would turn out

So the years sped along and at he grew big and plump
While our cupboards were empty and thin

Then one day the cook looked at me and said
We could feast for a week just on him

With a hand that was trembling I picked up my gun
I aimed it at Shep's faithful head
I'd serve him up good with a sauce made from plum
And maybe some zucchini bread

Old Shep never knew he was going to go
He'd reached out and nipped at my hand
At the very last second, he seemed to say
Are you a barbarian, man?

He was a little bit chewy, much more than beef round
I served him with a side of peas
 ate the best pal that a man ever found
I even had seconds and threes

Now old Shep is gone in my tummy and so

No more with old Shep will I roam
But telling this story made my appetite grow!!

C'mere now, c'mere doggie! Bo!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Top 11 Reasons Obama Eats Dog

11. Michelle limits the amount of beef he's allowed to eat

10. Rabbit reminds people of Jimmy Carter

9. Wants to be able to relate to what American families will be reduced to doing in his second term

8. If he had a son, it wouldn't look like Rover

7. Cat tastes too gamey

6. That's the last time he lets Joe Biden order when he's in Chinatown

5. Not eating dogs is xenophobic and narrow minded

4. Taste testing for future dietary mandates under ObamaCare

3. Unlike G Gordon Liddy, he's not man enough to eat rat

2. Ordered it for lunch in the hope that his co-workers would nickname him “Dog”

1. Chinese made it a condition for lending him another trillion dollars

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Top 11 Reasons Joe Biden Called Senator Al Franken a Leading Legal Scholar

11. Absolutely destroyed Chevy Chase in a debate about the commerce clause

10. Franken was the only Senator who agreed with Biden’s suggestion that Justin Bieber be appointed to the Supreme Court

9. Can quote multiple lines from “Legally Blonde”

8. Compared to Eric Holder or Sonya Sotomayor, Franken is indeed a genius

7. Biden’s spokesman clarified that he meant to call Franken “a leading beagle scholar”

6. Made the all too common mistake of confusing Al Franken with Alan Page

5. Every “Coneheads” sketch was actually a learned commentary on immigration law

4. Franken has a unique understanding of the intricacies of the drug possession laws.

3. Anyone who can understand the script for "Stuart Saves His Family" should have no problem interpreting arcane legal statutes.

2. He never missed an episode of The People's Court

1. Unlike the President of the United States, he has heard of Marbury vs. Madison


Wednesday, April 04, 2012

George Zimmerman Raves On

The biggest story in America today is the shooting of Travon Martin by neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman. Some say Zimmerman is a racist murderer, others a vigilante looking for trouble, and still others a concerned citizen. Yet no one knows for sure. If only we had some idea what was going through Zimmerman's mind at the time of the confrontation with Martin. Perhaps he was singing a little Buddy Holly:

Well . . .
The hoodie you wear and your skin's dark hue
Make me suspicious of you
Travon, it's a crazy feelin'
I think that you've been stealin'
From my gated commuuuuunity, Travon

The way your inside my gate tonight
The way your skin's not very light
Travon, it's a crazy feeling
Vigilante justice I'm dealin'
When on my watch, I confront you, Travon

Travon, it's a crazy feeling
If I'm convicted, I'll be appealin'
I'm so glad that you're revealing an excuse for me to shoot
Travon, tell me, tell me, "please don't, please don't shoot me"
News cycle now will be only you, Travon and me