Saturday, March 29, 2008

This Situation Absolutely Requires a Really Futile and Stupid Gesture Be Done On Somebody's Part

Millions of fuzzy headed liberals congratulated themselves today on their effort to turn their lights off for an hour. The smug sense of satisfaction was the longest lasting effect of their effort. They plan to follow up this effort with a massive self-satisfied condemnation of productive people worldwide.

I know it's wrong to hope drivers plunged to their deaths off of the Golden Gate Bridge, but in an idiotic dereliction of responsibility to public safety at 8 pm PDT:

the Golden Gate Bridge, Coit Tower and other landmarks extinguished lights for an hour.

Meanwhile, search engine Google admitted their envy of the Nihilist in Golf Pants by turning their background to Nihilist black.

Most citizens of the world ignored this mindless feel-good gesture, including people who actually operate businesses that need to survive by fulfilling a public demand:

Ireland's more than 7,000 pubs elected not to take part — in part because of the risk that Saturday night revelers could end up smashing glasses, falling down stairs, or setting themselves on fire with candles.

Unfortunately, the entire energy savings from "Earth Hour" will be offset by the extra energy used to fly Al Gore around America on his "A Bigger Scolding" 2008 speaking tour.

Meanwhile, there was no comment from the Wetterling Foundation regarding "Earth Hour", though previous statements blamed the lack of proper lighting with endangering the safety of children everywhere:

It is also a safety issue to have lights on when kids are walking home at night from various activities in their neighborhood.

Al Gore why do you support the child abductors?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Breaking Down the Brackets

It is once again time for the best sporting event of the year: the NCAA Hockey Tournament. Ironically, despite my well-known hockey expertise, my track record at picking the tourney is almost on the level of the Nihilist in Golf Pants’ football handicapping (even more ironic is the fact that I regularly dominate my NCAA basketball pools despite my ignorance of that sport).

The St. Cloud Times has brought back their excellent interactive bracket. If you need an ego boost, fill it out and compare your results to mine. Here is my bracket and analysis.

East Regional (Albany, NY)
No. 1 Michigan vs. No. 4 Niagara
Michigan is the number one team in the country right now. Michigan 4, Niagara 1

No. 2 St. Cloud State vs No. 3 Clarkson
One of my favorite NCAA tournament traditions is the yearly first round loss by St. Cloud State. We traditionalists will not be disappointed. Clarkson 2, St. Cloud State 1

The East Regional final will, I predict, pit Michigan against the Clarkson Skating Engineers. Clarkson started the season strong, but has been fading (losing to Colgate in the EZ-AC quarterfinals? You have got to be kidding me). Michigan will make short work of them. Michigan 5, Clarkson 2

West Regional (Colorado Springs)
No. 1 New Hampshire vs No 4 Notre Dame
I was really hoping that Notre Dame wouldn’t make the field because I enjoy the Nihilist’s rants on how NCAA selection committees always screw over Notre Dame. They may have sneaked into the tourney, but their stay will be short. UNH 6, Notre “if you have a lousy hockey team, we would be happy to add you to our schedule” Dame 2

No. 2 Colorado College vs No. 3 Michigan State
Colorado College is the host of the west regional, and regional hosts have dominated. Expect Colorado College to knock off the defending champs. CoCo 2, Michigan State 0

UNH will face host Colorado College in the region final. There is a reason that UNH is the University of No Hardware and CoCo will expose it once again. CoCo 3, UNH 1

Midwest Regional (Madison)
No 1. North Dakota vs No. 4 Princeton
Princeton is making its second ever NCAA tournament appearance, but unfortunately, Hobey Baker is out of eligibility. North Dakota 4, Princeton 0

No. 2 Denver vs No. 3 Wisconsin
This is a tough one. The conventional wisdom would say to go with host team Wisconsin here, but I disagree. Wisconsin backed into the tourney on a fluke in the pairwise rankings. They deserve to be watching on TV. Denver on the other hand is peaking at the right time. They have played in Madison many times and will not be intimidated (not to mention, they won the WCHA tournament in front of a larger, more intimidating, and better looking pro-Gopher crowd at Xcel Arena last weekend). Denver 3, Wisconsin 0

The Midwest regional is definitely the toughest, with two good WCHA teams plus host Wisconsin. The region final match-up between North Dakota and Denver should be a good one. I will reluctantly go with the Fighting Sioux. North Dakota 3, Denver 2

Northeast Regional (Worcester)
No. 1 Miami vs No. 4 Air Force
The Falcons have a scrappy team and would be the patriotic pick, but a number one seed has never lost to a number four seed. Miami 6, Air Force 4

No. 2 Boston College vs No. 3 Minnesota
Needless to say, I would love to pick the Gophers here, but I just can’t justify it. Sure, freshman goalie Alex Kangas has been outstanding down the stretch, but the Gophers just don’t have the scoring punch to make a run to the Frozen Four. Especially since their top scorer, Kyle “I spell team: t-e-I-m” Okposo, abandoned them mid-season for the NHL. Boston College 2, Minnesota 1 in the third overtime

That would make the region final Boston College vs Miami. I know they are located in Ohio, but I can’t bring myself to pick a team named “Miami” to make the Frozen Four (come to think of it, I can’t bring myself to pick a team from Ohio for the Frozen Four). BC 4, Miami 2

Frozen Four
Michigan vs Colorado College
Once out of the friendly confines of their home ice, CoCo will find the going harder. Michigan 3, CoCo 1

Boston College vs North Dakota
Boston College will give them a battle, but North Dakota’s superior talent will win out. North Dakota 6, BC 4

National Championship
Michigan vs North Dakota
North Dakota has the most talented team in the country. Unfortunately for them, their aptly named coach, Dave Hakstol, would rather have them play like a bunch of cheap hacks than win games. This will finally come back to haunt them and they will lose to the better team. Michigan 4, North Dakota 3

UPDATE: One beloved tradition continues, but another is in jeopardy. Final score in the East Regional: Clarkson 2, SCSU 1. Exactly as I predicted -- my NCAA hockey bracket draught may be over.

UPDATE #2: Could the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame be a bracket buster? They absolutely destroyed UNH 7-3!

UPDATE #3: Notre Dame upsets defending champion Michigan State Spartans 3-1 to advance to the Final Four! Congratulations to the Irish Icers and Coach Jackson.

The CCHA will have 2 or 3 of the final four teams this year, Michigan, ND, and possibly Miami (OH), depending on the outcome of their game versus Boston College. The once-dominant but still powerful WCHA, which dominated the Pairwise rankings for no discernable reason will have one team, the winner of North Dakota versus Wisconsin. And as expected, East Coast hockey sucks.

Papa Was A Rolling Stone

Every so often you come upon a story where everyone in it comes off bad. In this case it is the story of Chelsea Clinton avoiding sniper fire long enough to speak to students at Butler University in Indianapolis.

Chelsea was being "pimped out," at least to David Schuster of MSNBC News, at a campus event on behalf of her mother. As she took questions from the audience, some guy asked if her father's affair with Monica Lewinski hurt her mother's credibility.

Chelsea's reaction was clearly shocked and angered. She claimed that, "You are the first person, actually that's ever asked me that question." I am calling BS. Yeah, her dad getting a hummer in the Oval Office wasn't that newsworthy. I guess people just didn't care. I am guessing that her answer was coached, if her indignation wasn't.

I'm going to go on record as saying the questioner was classless. Nobody likes Hillary less than me, but it is downright cruel to rub their adult child's face in the fact that her parents marriage is a sham.

The best part of the story, though, is the questioner claims he was a Hillary supporter:

"I'm a supporter of Hillary. I love Hillary," Strange said Wednesday on CBS' "The Early Show." "He said he asked the question because his friends 'always bring up that scandal. It's not something I asked to cause trouble but to show those people what makes Hillary so strong.' He said that by brushing him off, Chelsea Clinton missed an opportunity to show her mother's strength.

Your mama's so strong she let your daddy cheat on her and stood right by him. You go girl!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Top 11 Distant Relatives of Hillary Clinton

11. Alanis Morsette
10. Madonna
9. Angelina Jolie
8. Celine Dionne
7. Merideth Brooks
6. "Squeaky" Fromme
5. Uga
4. Betty Broderick
3. Irene Ryan
2. Mae Young
1. Margaret Hamilton

Friday, March 21, 2008

Barak's Campaign Goes Up In Smoke

Hillary released the photo of Obama dressed in Muslim garb, but it didn't do much damage. I predict this photo will prove that he is worse than Hitler:

UPDATE: To the best of my knowledge Bob Moffitt, the Communications Director of the American Lung Association of Minnesota, has not repudiated Barak Obama. Since Moffitt has asserted that second hand smoke injures the health of innocent bystanders and even kills, I would expect a statement branding Obama as a genocidal maniac, or at least an abusive father.

Smoking by parents is also associated with a wide range of adverse effects in their children, including exacerbation of asthma, increased frequency of colds and ear infections, and sudden infant death syndrome. An estimated 150,000 to 300,000 cases of lower respiratory tract infections in children less than 18 months of age, resulting in 7,500 to 15,000 annual hospitalizations, are caused by secondhand smoke.
California Environmental Protection Agency. Health Effects of Exposure to Environmental Tobacco Smoke. September 1997.

Sure, Obama claims that he has quit smoking about a year ago, but that claim coincided with his launching of his presidential campaign. How convenient.

March Of The Presidentials

Last year I took self proclaimed "Maverick" John McCain to task for his spineless stance on an issue of the day. The Bush tax cuts, immigration, and campaign finance are all issues where I disagree with McCain, but this issue was more timely: the NCAA basketball tournament.

Finally, let's take a look at his final four: Kansas, Florida, North Carolina and Ohio State. I do believe those are all #1 seeds. I would have thought a maverick would have a couple of wild picks that no one else would dare take. Southern Illinois anyone? For Pete's sake, take a flier on someone.

Well, McCain is back at it. His final four this year is a bit more daring. And by a bit, I mean barely: North Carolina, Kansas, Memphis and Connecticut. This time the "Maverick" has chosen one team that isn't a #1 seed: the Connecticut Huskies. If he can change on this issue, maybe there's hope for him toughening on immigration.

Since I'm bashing McCain for his picks, it only makes sense that I take a swing at the self-proclaimed (at least his wife did) savior of our souls, Barak Obama. He too released his NCAA picks. He even had the audacity to admit to tossing $10 into an illegal gambling pool. I guess he was busy listening to sermons about how the US government developed the AIDS virus while the news reported on Rick Neuhisle losing his coaching job at the University of Washington for participating in an NCAA pool.

Anyway, Obama must have the audacity to hope that some less priviledged schools make it to the final four. Let's see: North Carolina, Kansas, UCLA, all #1 seeds plus Big East Tournament Champion Pittsburgh. Interestingly enough, both McCain and Obama picked #1 ranked North Carolina to win the entire tournament; not exactly a call for change.

What can we make of this? I'd like to think it proves my point that politicians are weenies. I will award one point to Hillary Clinton. She hasn't come out and announced her NCAA picks. She's probably too busy trying to find a way to steal this election.

UPDATE: And down goes Connecticut in a thrilling first round upset! Senator McCain, you are no Jimmy the Greek!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Joy, Hope, What's The Difference

The Obama campaign, once red hot, is cooling off. Three Dog Night has commentary on the state of the Obama campaign.

Jeremiah was a reverand
A good friend of Barak's
He never heard a racist sermon that he said
But the association put him in a box
And Barak's now in a box that looks locked

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

When Barak is the king of the world
Or at least the USA
He's gonna save our souls and he can make us proud
Of America for the first time today
Sing it now...

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

[electric piano]

Bill Clinton loves the ladies
Loves to scratch that itch
But he's no Ronald Reagan
And you know what I'm sayin'
His wife is a mean old bitch

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
Hope for the world
Tax on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

You might be racist
Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword
He'll meet with the leaders of our enemy
And raise taxes on you and me

Hope for the world
Change, Barak's buzzword

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Top 11 Highlights of Barak Obama's Speech On "Race In America"

11. Some of my best friends are white people.

10. Like most Americans, I sleep through the Sunday sermon.

9. Honky!

8. The "Amityville Horror" could never have happened to a black family.

7. We are the future of the change in audacity if we hope for unity in the children.

6. We all know that people are the same where ever we go
There is good and bad in everyone,
We learn to live, we learn to give
Each other what we need to survive together alive.

5. Can't we all just get along?

4. The Clintons are like school in summertime. . .

3. Whatchou talkin' 'bout, Reverend Wright?

2. Chelsey's momma is so fat. . .

1. White people ain't got no butts!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Top 11 Reasons The Jack Pine Community Center Is Closing Down

11. Despite "countless hours of ping pong" at the center, for some reason the spark of revolution never caught fire

10. The name "Jack Pine" comes off as too male-centric

9. Being replaced by an expensive space that is specifically "pro-oppression"

8. Threatening to move to North Carolina unless they get lucrative tax subsidy

7. Difficult collecting dues from anarchists

6. Draconian "No shirt, no shoes, no service" policy alienated most of the community

5. Landlord is an evil capitalist who insists on being paid "rent"

4. Crowded out by the other 1,000 Marxist "community groups" within the city of Minneapolis

3. With Obama on the verge of being elected, no further change is needed

2. Landlord refused to accept "energy" in lieu of rent money

1. Losing too many customers to the neighboring Jack Ass Community Center

Friday, March 14, 2008

It's 3 am, The Fear Is Gone

Last week I filled in for Ed Morrisey on the Northern Alliance Radio Network, opposite Mitch Berg. One bit that received rave reviews was the our review of a new (fake) Hillary Clinton ad. I thought I would provide it to the readers of this web site who couldn't hear the show and don't want to listen to the entire podcast (what's wrong with you people?). Here is the setup:

Hillary's campaign really received a boost with her recent victories in Texas and Ohio. Her "3 am" ad received a lot of credit for casting doubts among voters about whether Barak Obama is ready for the presidency. After the success of the first "3 am" ad, the Clinton team has created a new ad that returns to that theme. However, this one may go to far. Let's take a listen.

Click here to go to the ad, then click on play.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Barak Obama's Pastor's Top 11 Songs

Barak Obama's good friend and pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, gave a sermon in September 2001 that blamed the US for the 9/11 attacks, saying "America's chickens are coming home to roost." In that sermon, he also commented on his musical preferences, suggesting that he didn't like "God Bless America," but preferred "God Damn America."

In a NIGP exclusive, we have learned the reverand's favorite 11 songs:

11. You're a Honkey Doodle Dandy
10. Stars and Stripes, For Never
9. Happy Days Have Never Been Here, So They Can’t Be Here Again
8. God Damn the USA
7. Those Star Spangled Bastards
6. Uncle Sam God Damn
5. America, the Bootylicious
4. This Land is Your Land, You Took Me From My Land
3. Onward, Muslim Soldiers
2. The Battle Hymn of the People's Republic
1. You're a Grand Old Racist Flag

Client 9

(To the tune of Revolution 9 by the Beatles)

[Not enough cash on deposit for you if I had realised…

Well, do it next time.

I forgot about it, Kristen, I'm sorry.
Will you forgive me?


Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client

Then there's this Emperor wearing some brown underpants
About the shortage of hookers in Washington
Everyone of them knew that as time went by
They'd get a little bit older and a litter slower but
It's all the same thing, in this case manufactured by someone who's always
Umpteen my father's bucks allow me to diddly-i-dee
District attorney was leaving, intended to pay for

Client 9, client 9

Who's to know?
Who was to know?

Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9

I sustained nothing worse than
Also for example
Whatever you're doing
A business deal almost falls through
I will leave an extra two grand for next time
When fortune gives

Client 9, client 9, client 9

People ride, rich people ride
Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride
Ride! Ride!

9, client 9, client 9, client 9

I'll miss the governorship
It makes me a few days horny
Compared with, like, wow!
And weird stuff like that
Taking our sides sometimes
Sheriff of wall street
Rouge doctors have brought this specimen

I have nobody's short-cuts, aha…

9, client 9

With the situation
They are standing still
The plan, the moneygram

Ooh ooh

Client 9, client


Anonymous man without terrors from beard to false
As the hooker booker reported to me
Kristen is an American, petite, very pretty brunette,
5 feet 5 inches, and 105 pounds
Mayflower 851 ajar


I don’t think he’s difficult.
I mean it’s just kind of like …
Whatever …
I’m here for a purpose
I know what my purpose is.
I am not a … moron

Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9

So the wife caught me and we'd better go to see a surgeon
Or whatever to cut it off… yellow underclothes
So, any road, we went to see the dentist instead
Who gave me a new pair of teeth which wasn't any good at all
So I said I'd resign, join the navy and went to sea

In my broken chair, my wings are broken and so is my hair
I'm not in the mood for whirling

Um da

Dogs for dogging, hands for clapping
Birds for birding and shtoop for shtooping
Them for themming and when for whimming

Only to find the FBI-watchman
Unaware of his presence in the wire

Onion soup

Client 9, client 9, client 9,
Client 9, client 9, client 9

Industrial output
Financial imbalance

Thrusting it between his shoulder blades

The Watusi
The twist

Dirty sanchez

Take this Patterson, may it serve you well

Maybe it's nothing
Maybe it's nothing
What? What? Oh

Ho no!
Pay for luv guv!
Impervious in Albany
Could be difficult thing
Mann act, shmann act
Because it's so much
It was like being naked

If you became naked

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I'm Getting Too Old For This

Recently, I've talked to several people who felt disgusted with the political process. They felt that democracy has failed, that there are no candidates worthy of their support, that voting has become a futile exercise. To those people I say you are probably right, at least about the political process today. But there is one place where the beauty of the democratic process is still apparent.

"The Real World" on MTV is about to begin their twentieth season of telling the story of seven strangers chosen to live together and have their lives videotaped. To celebrate, MTV is inviting all Americans to participate in an election to determine the highlights (and low lights) of the grandaddy of reality television.

For those who haven't watched from start to finish, "The Real World" went through three phases: Phase 1 was the shortest, lasting only one season. That era was highlighted by randomly throwing strangers together without screening for any drama. This proved to be very boring as fairly normal people quickly learned to peacefully coexist. Fortunately, MTV corrected this for the next era, beginning with season 2.

This era featured roommates predisposed to hate each other. This script had several permutations. One plot involved finding the most obnoxious person they could get and letting him terrorize the house. Another involved pair someone from the deep south with black people. My favorite plot was taking one person who began the season with decent morals and values(in one case a student from Brigham Young) and putting them in a house with a bunch of deviants. This was the most entertaining era of the show.

Alas, after ten years, the show had to change things up. Beginning in season 12, MTV began choosing to pair very attractive people, especially bisexual women, and let the hormones fly.

Now that you are up on the history, more about the election, which culminates in a special airing March 29 at 1 pm EDT. There are 13 categories to choose from. Since I have no interest in categories such as "Dance Off" or "Hottest Male," I will feature a few 'must vote' categories.

"Best Brush With The Law" is a fun category, since the young adults are often drunk and stupid. Should I vote for Tyree's public urination in Denver in season 18? Perhaps meat head Brad in San Diego's drunk and disorderly arrest in season 14? Nope, the winner is floozy Robin in San Diego's drunken assault of a bar patron in the same season (and according to MTV - take with a grain of salt) on the same night.

"Best Fight" is my favorite category. There is a runaway winner here: Puck versus Pedro. In season 3, Puck is the uber-obnoxious jerk. Pedro is a gay activist who is literally dying of AIDS. Puck would also win "Roommate You Love To Hate." In the clip for this category, Pedro got angry that Puck stuck his finger in Pedro's jar of peanut butter, after Pedro saw Puck picking his nose earlier. I can see how Pedro would get upset. He had just worked up a big appetite by giving a rusty trombone (warning: probably NSFW) to his boyfriend Sean. Yet he's worried about getting a little booger in his peanut butter. Puck was an ass, but it is funny watching him reign anarchy all over Pedro's politically correct world. It's antics like this that make Season 3: San Francisco the runaway favorite for "Favorite Season."

As Diddy would say, "Vote or die!"

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Truth: The Anti-Nick

The six Republicans who helped the DFL override Governor Pawlenty's transportation bill veto have been pretty vocal lately. Almost all of them have complained that they are being targeted by purists who want to kick them out of their own party. They have got the attention of the local media and they have complained to their caucus. Their story is well known.

We've also seen plenty of utterly predictable responses from the liberal and self labeled centrist noise machines, the disingenuous basement dwellers who may or may not write in their underwear but definitely believe that adhering to a coherent political philosophy somehow makes one an intolerant simpleton.

Yes, it seems like we've heard from the vocal minority, whether we want to or not. But on the other hand, I've yet to see reporting on the quieter constituents of the override six. Not a newspaper article, not a news report by a station that claims to care. I guess if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

I set out toward Ron Erhardt's home district to find a local watering hole. I hunkered down at Al's Bar, next to Minikahda Golf Club. Al's would be about a three-wood from Erhardt's district, that is if one can afford it. Most people in Erhardt's district can't vote themselves a $96 per diem like the one Ron Erhardt and his fat cat buddies gave themselves last year.

It was at Al's that I met Bill. Bill is a retiree living in Erhardt's district. A working man his entire life, he prides himself on making an honest living and saving for his retirement. But now a much larger portion of his savings will go to paying the taxes that Ron Erhardt decided to raise. He'll be paying those taxes for the rest of his life. We all will, until we die or move away from our Minnesota homes. Minnesotans will be forced to places like Alabama.

Bill didn't approve of Erhardt's vote. "Republicans are supposed to oppose tax increases. It's in their party platform. When Erhardt ran, he said he was a Republican," he said quietly. "Now he wants to add a clothing tax."

Sure enough, not satisfied with raising taxes by $6.6 billion already, Ron Erhardt is leading the charge to increase taxes on clothes. One doesn't ask a proud working man such as this if he could afford to pay an ever-increasing tax burden. One got the feeling that the extra money wasn't the worst part, it was the fact that Erhardt lied to him. There are a lot of people like Bill in Ron Erhardt's district. Men and women, honest people, young people and retirees who worked hard all their lives. These people deserve to be told them the truth by their elected representatives. And maybe, just maybe, they will make Ron Erhardt a retiree.

Top 11 Reasons Mike Ciresi Dropped Out of the Senate Race

11. Try as he might, he couldn’t dig up any dirt on Al Franken

10. He heard RT Rybak was about to endorse him

9. Didn't want to stand in the way of a visionary like Jack Nelson-Palmeyer

8. While he was still enthusiastic about taxing, spending no longer brought the joy it once did

7. Franken offered him a role in his next film “Stuart Sues his Family”

6. Figures he can make more money off a class action lawsuit against Franken for worker's comp violations

5. He is starting a new comedy team with Tom Davis

4. Realized he would have to spend a couple of hours with Franken every time they debated

3. If he lost a primary to that clown, his friends would never let him hear the end of it

2. Franken promised him that if he dropped out, he wouldn’t publish his next book, “Mike Ciresi is a Big Fat Lying Liar who is Against Change”

1. Realized that he can't compete with someone funded by Ben Stein

Monday, March 10, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Elliot Spitzer Patronized High-End Prostitutes

11. Was under the mistaken impression he could pardon himself

10. Doing his part to stimulate the economy

9. The manuscript for his autobiography was universally rejected for being "really dull"

8. His wife wants to run for President

7. Trying to live up to Bill Richardson's description of him as "the future of the (Democratic) party"

6. After winning title "Crusader of the Year" from Time magazine, was gunning for coveted "John of the Year" award from COYOTE

5. Already had every street hooker in NYC

4. Screwing the taxpayers of New York gets boring after a while

3. Wanted to try to win another "Businessperson of the Year" award for helping out small businesses like the Emperors Club

2. Was not visiting the prostitutes for sex--he was just checking that their worker's comp insurance was up to date

1. No woman would voluntarily sleep with a guy named Elliot

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Because The Kool Aid Report Takes Sundays off: Obnoxious Packer Moron Mail

Learned Foot should appreciate this moron as well as the morons in the Strib who publish this crap today:

I nominate Brett Favre for president.


The pundits tell us that "toughness" is the critical characteristic a president needs- much more than judgement and certainly more than wisdom.

What pundit said that utter bullshit? Anyone? Beuller? I believe the reader is setting us up for the logical fallacy known as begging the question. Since he is likely a Packer fan with a man-crush on Favre and an IQ approaching 70, it isn't a surprise to see a logical fallacy coming up.

Brett is tougher than Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama and John McCain. Any doubt can be removed by a simple test: Have two 300-plus pound linemen fall on each of them, then see who emerges from the pile in the best shape.

And there's the logical fallacy: by claiming that pundits think toughness is the most important characteristic of a president, Mr. Moron attempts to prove his point by asserting that his football hero would be the best candidate. This idiot can't even get his logical fallacy right. Let's suspend disbelief for a minute and assume that physical toughness is indeed a characteristic required for the presidency (don't tell FDR). Is Favre really the toughest? Let's rewrite that last sentence and see:

Any doubt can be removed by a simple test: Imprison each of them for more than five years in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Break both their arms and a leg. Starve them so they lose 50 lbs. Tie them up and beat them every two hours until they are literally at the brink of death, then see who emerges from the prison in the best shape.

Let's see if tough-guy Brett signs up for that. John McCain did. To further back up McCain's tough guy credentials, the NVA offered him his freedom ahead of others and he refused unless those captured before him were released first.

Any tendency of Brett to throw errant passes can be corrected by installing "smart bomb" technology. Run Brett, run.

John LaBoner, Fridley

Yes, I understand that this boob is trying to make a joke and probably (you never know with Packer fans) doesn't really think Favre is qualified to be president. So what is the point of writing this moronic piece of tripe? To see how much readers time the Strib is willing to waste? Did Scott Gillespe run out of letters praising the Republicans who voted for the tax increase? Why????????????

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Live Blogging Learned Foot’s Live Blog of the New and Improved NARN

I will be Live Blogging Learned Foot’s Live Blog of the Nihilist in Golf Pants' NARN audition.

1:05 PM: Learned “Packer-Fascist” Foot believes that it should be illegal for Chad the Elder to utter Brett Favre’s name. Osama bin Foot will no doubt behead anyone who draws a blasphemous Favre cartoon.

1:07 PM: Foot accuses the Nihilist of siphoning gas out of a neighbor’s car. I must admit, it is conceivable.

1:10 PM: Learned Foot informs us when the TV show “Top Chef” will premiere. “Top Chef” is a gay show.

1:11 PM: Hypocrisy by Foot! He declares “Project Runway” to be gay while presumably endorsing “Top Chef” for heterosexuals. Hah! They’re both gay.

1:13 PM: Foot is growing impatient and is thinking of Live Blogging the Gophers vs. Illinois game. I don’t know what Foot is smoking. The Gophers aren’t playing until tonight vs. UMD.

1:13 PM: Foot hallucinates: Illinois 33, Gophers 29 – early 2nd half. Uh Foot, they’re called periods. And if you are going to make up score, make it realistic – no hockey score has ever been 33 to 29.

1:15 PM: Foot mocks Patriot sponsor Andy Willoughby. Well played, Foot.

1:20 PM: Foot blames the Nihilist for the Patriot’s production errors. This must be the first time Foot has ever listened to the Patriot.

1:21 PM: Foot takes another shot at Chad. When Foot stages his coup and installs Packeria law, Chad will be the first inmate in the Lambeau re-education camp.

1:22 PM: Foot is not just a law talking guy, he can also diagnose strokes over the air!

1:23 PM: False alarm! Foot just mis-diagnosed the Nihilist’s voice.

1:23 PM: Wow. Now Chad is compared to Paula Abdul.

1:24 PM: Mitch acknowledges Foot’s live blog, but what about this ground breaking live blog of Foot’s live blog?

1:26 PM: Foot mocks the Nihilist’s mention of Ayn Rand – but he neglects to acknowledge that it is in the context of Angelina Jolie.

1:27 PM: Bravo Foot, for denouncing Springsteen. But the Iron Maiden shout-out is a little forced.

1:28 PM: Foot has the audacity to fact check the Nihilist? He states that Geldoff praised Bush for helping fight AIDs in Africa and not hunger as the Nihilist said. I propose a compromise: let’s praise Bush for fighting both AIDs and hunger.

1:33 PM: Foot calls on them to play some Iron Maiden. Uh Foot, this is the NARN, why don’t you go listen to some pirate junior high radio station?

1:35 PM: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

1:37 PM: Foot smells a future Lori Sturdevant multifisk this week. All that means is that Lori isn’t on vacation.

1:40 PM: The mayor of the MOB is calling for riots?

1:41 PM: Just a reminder, this live blog of a live blog will be less meaningless if you read Foot's live blog here.

1:42 PM: Foot marks the Nihilist’s first P-Diddy reference at 1:42. P-Diddy has sure dropped off the map. I remember back when the Nihilist mentioned him every five minutes without fail.

1:43 PM: Foot comes out against spam, viruses, AND racy banner ads.

1:46 PM: What about the FOO FIGHTERS! At least he isn’t occasionally posting OBAMA!

1:47 PM: Foot acknowledges another shout out for his live blog. Still no shout out for the live blog of the live blog.

1:48 PM: First the Ron Erhardt supporters try to convince people that Downey is running for Hennepin County Commissioner (and not challenging Ron Erhardt for the legislature endorsement) and now Erhardt supporter Learned Foot is starting the despicable rumor that Downey is auditioning for the NARN (and not challenging Erhardt). Shame, Foot, Shame!!

1:49 PM: Foot calls for a plug of the MiLF. But plug what? There has been no date set for the MiLF, so far as I know.

1:50 PM: Foot is unwilling to interrupt his live blog to answer his phone. Telemarketers will be disappointed.

1:51 PM: Props to Mitch and the Nihilist on the wazzup bit.

1:52 PM: “Inver Grove bites is a dump.” Uh, what?

1:53 PM: FINALLY! A shout out to this live blog by Foot. Yes, you have arrived!

1:56 PM: Foot asks me a physics question: “Do you think that if the Nihilist bumped into Lileks in the studio, there would a violent explosion like when matter collides with anti-matter.” No, of course not. But if they both said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, their voices would cancel out and you would hear nothing.

1:58 PM: This liveblog of Foot’s liveblog is over!

3:06 PM:
A shout-out to this liveblog of the liveblog by King Banaiaian on NARN “The Final Word”!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Al Franken Failed to Pay Workers Comp for his Campaign Employees

11. When he beats his employees, he intends for them to stay beaten

10. Believes that laughter is the best medicine and provided them free "Best of SNL" DVDs

9. Thought everyone understood that his campaign is just a comedy bit

8. Instead of money, insisted on paying premiums with Air America Radio merchandise

7. Franken planned to ship any injured worker to Cuba where they can get better health care for free

6. Warming up to screw over the taxpayers of America by first screwing his employees

5. His success in show business has led him to believe people like to suffer

4. Didn’t know illegal aliens were even eligible for workers comp

3. Couldn’t find a charity for disadvantaged children to borrow money from interest free

2. Read Michael Moore's "Cold-hearted Business Practices For Leftist Dummies"

1. He asked himself, What Would Wellstone Do?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Top 11 Reasons That Bret Favre Retired

11. Hopes to take advantage of government's prescription drug benefit plan

10. Finally realizes he was scammed when he took all of that worthless Green Bay Packer stock in lieu of a signing bonus

9. No longer wants to stand in the way of a great talent like Aaron Rogers

8. Recently diagnosed with severe cheese allergy

7. Sees the fruits of Brad Childress' master plan coming together and realizes the Packers can't compete next year

6. Wants to spend less time with his stalkers

5. Believes there's more money to be made selling his old game worn jock straps on eBay

4. Wanted an excuse to cry on TV like Hillary Clinton

3. Hurt because he didn't feel that John Madden appreciated him enough

2. Tired of pretending he likes people from Wisconsin

1. Has nothing left to shoot for after shattering the NFL career interception record

Monday, March 03, 2008

Purple Pain

It has to hurt for Vikings management to see Randy Moss signing a three year contract for a mere $27 million ($15 million guaranteed). It has to hurt worse knowing they just signed significantly less talented Bernard Berrian to a six year deal for $42 million with even more guaranteed cash.

This isn't exactly like losing Johan Santana because you couldn't afford $20+ million per year.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Tipping Point

It's not often that you would find The Nihilist in Golf Pants agreeing with editorials from the New York Times and Washington Post. But in the cases highlighted in the Wall Street Journal, he would wholeheartedly concur with their views:

When tipping first caught on in the U.S., late in the 19th century, it was the old-world, aristocratic overtones of the practice that drew the most ire. An 1897 editorial in the New York Times declared tipping to be the "vilest of imported vices." The paper lamented not only that "we have men among us servile enough to accept their earnings in this form" but that others were willing "to reward the servility." Joining the chorus against "flunkyism," the Washington Post denounced tipping as "one of the most insidious and one of the most malignant evils" of modern life. Tipping was seen to foster a lord-and-vassal relationship that the prouder professions resisted. Well into the 1910s many bartenders refused gratuities as an insult to their status.

Ah yes, I can imagine the Nihilist is pining for the good ol' days now.

Speaking of the NIGP, I'm surprised he hasn't been whining about this yet: PairWiseSM Rankings (PWR)

Rk Team PWR Rk W-L-T Win % Rk RPI
1 Michigan 24 2 27-5-4 .8056 1 .5896*
2t New Hampshire 22 3 22-7-3 .7344 5 .5781
2t North Dakota 22 5 22-8-2 .7188 2 .5882
4t Colorado College 21 4 24-9-1 .7206 3 .5852
4t Miami 21 1 29-6-1 .8194 4 .5813*
6 Denver 19 7 22-11-1 .6618 6 .5657
7 Clarkson 17 9 20-10-4 .6471 8 .5429
8t Michigan State 16 6 23-9-5 .6892 7 .5581
8t Boston College 16 11t 16-10-8 .5882 9 .5401
8t St. Cloud State 16 20 17-14-3 .5441 10 .5376
11 Minnesota State 13 15t 17-13-4 .5588 12 .5362
12 Minnesota 12 28t 14-13-9 .5139 14 .5281
13t Wisconsin 11 28t 15-14-7 .5139 13 .5323
13t Minnesota-Duluth 11 35 12-13-6 .4839 15 .5252
15 Providence 10 24t 14-13-5 .5156 18 .5180
16t Notre Dame 9 10 22-12-4 .6316 11 .5363
16t Princeton 9 14 17-12-0 .5862 16 .5220

The Irish on the bubble with eight WCHA teams in front of them, including five with worse records? Sounds about right to me.

Gone In Sixty Seconds

In this post, I we informed readers that Angelina Jolie committed the thought crime of approving of the continued US military presence in Iraq. After doing a little research, this blog has learned that Jolie has agreed to play the lead role, Dagney Taggart, in the upcoming film adaptation of Ayn Rand's classic book, "Atlas Shrugged." Rand's philosophy is about as opposed to the Hollywood collective belief system as is possible. Rand even had the nerve to escape the worker's paradise (USSR) to come to the land of discrimination (USA). Becasue of this, Rand's philosophy is not seriously taught at Ivy League Universities. Only the star power of Jolie and husband Brad Pitt got the film green lighted.

It took little time for Hollywood to denounce Jolie as a non-person. This site gives an excellent denunciation of Angelina. Some examples:

- Today I Weep. With a heavy heart I denounce Angelina Jolie. For non-person J has brought much happiness to my life. Hetero-men and lesbian comrades around the world have admired her beauty and activism.

- In spite of all the kinkiness in her younger days and nude scenes in her earlier films, in spite of her Progressive, Hollywood-style domestic situation, in spite of her work with the fecking UN, it is obvious that the regressive evil within is coming to the surface.

- Who is she to say things are going well in the quagmire that is Iraq and who gave her permission to think for herself in the first place? And why am I asking questions when I can simply make my own assumptions on the matter and have everyone tell me that my assumptions are indeed the truth?

However, the denunciation of Angelina leaves a question. Who will replace her? Her replacement must have Hollywood success, look gorgeous, and most importantly trumpet the orthodox Hollywood dogma. I have a very strong candidate:

2007 Academy Award Winner for Best Actress Marion Cotillard should replace Angelina Jolie. The Academy Award speaks to her success as an actress. This picture shows that she's has the requisite looks.

But what of her political viewpoint. Does she hate America enough to survive in a community where Michael Moore is considered a serious thinker? From the London Telegraph:

"I think we’re lied to about a number of things," she said, singling out September 11.

Referring to the two passenger jets flown into the World Trade Centre, Miss Cotillard said: "We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes, are they burned? There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours.

It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed."

Miss Cotillard suggested that the towers, planned in the early 1960s, were an outdated "money sucker" which would have cost so much to modernise that it was easier to destroy them.

Turning to America’s space programme, she said: "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don’t believe all they tell me, that’s for sure."

Marion Cotillard, welcome to Hollywood. I'm sure you'll have a long and productive career here.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Hillary On Obama: The Sherrif is a . . .

The Hillary Clinton campaign has taken some heat for this ad, as many find it laughable that people would want her answering the phone in a national emergency. But I'd ask you to put on your conspiracy colored glasses and look again. Freeze the screen eleven seconds into the commercial, right after the announcer says, "there's a phone in the White House and it's ringing . Somethings happening in the world. Your vote will decide who answers that call." Now look at the child's pajamas at the left edge of the screen. The letters N-I-G are prominently displayed.

I'm sure that Hillary's operatives will suggest that the pajamas merely say "Good Night." That the lettering is an unfortunate coincidence. But haven't we learned that anytime anything could possibly be explained by racism, then racism must be the answer. I think the Democratic Party has pretty clearly taught us that.

Shame on you Hillary. A thousand times shame!

UPDATE: An e-mailer suggests that Hillary's prominently displaying NIG in her ad could be construed a different way. Perhaps she is endorsing her favorite blog. Hillary needs to learn that Golfpants is two words, not one.