Saturday, February 26, 2011

Rush To Judgement

What is it about the name Rush that drives people to become right-wing extremists? Rush Limbaugh is the most popular purveyor of right wing "hate speech" on AM talk radio. Rock band Rush is one of the few bands on the FM side of the dial that adopts a conservative/libertarian world view.

One of the band Rush's most conservative songs is "The Trees," a parable against the evil of political correctness. Here's how they might update it today, "The Teach":

There is unrest in Wisconsin,
With the teachers and their greed,
For they want big cushy pensions,
And medical benefits without fees.

The trouble with the teachers,
(And they're quite convinced they're right)
Taxpayers must fully fund their benefits,
And their wallets should be light.
But the taxpayers can't help it
If they'd like to save their pay.
And they wonder why the teachers
Can't contribute to a 401k.

There is trouble in the forest,
Democrat Senators all have fled,
From Illinois they scream "Oppression!"
As taxpayers just shake their heads.

So the Wisconsin teachers union
they began an illegal strike.
The taxpayers are just too greedy;
They will fund our years twilight.
Now the budget isn't balanced,
For the new law did not pass,
And the the taxpayers keep paying!
Keep paying, out the ass!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Top 11+ Plots For The New Gaddafi Sitcom

A couple of days ago, Chad made the following seemingly unremarkable Tweet:

A gem from the MSNBC piece on the "Flamboyant" Gadhafi: "Visionary or dictator, Gadhafi's quirky style is unique." Oh that quirky Moammar.

A tweetstorm followed that included most of the Fraters/Nihilist crew. To make a long story short, we decided that like Charlie Sheen, Moammar Gaddafi's bad boy persona would draw a lot of viewers to a television sitcom. And since CBS is currently looking for a replacement for Sheen's hit "Two And A Half Men," we thought we'd pitch them a show based on the life of Gaddafi. Our working title is "Oh, That Mo!"

Here are the top eleven+ plots for our new Gaddafi sitcom:

11. Mo must hide the evidence of his torturing of revolutionaries from a visiting UN diplomat or face eviction from the UN Human Rights council

10. It's the wedding anniversary for one of Mo's four wives but he can't remember which one.

9. Revolutionary assassins are after Mo and his wacky neighbor Larry, so they dress as burqa clad chicks and move into a women-only apartment building.

8. Mo must convince a visiting Imam that he and his busty nurse Svetlana are married or face a fatwa.

7. Mo decides to put on a show to raise money for his "charity" (actually a front organization to fund the counter-revolution). After Hosni Mubarack brags that he met Justin Bieber, Mo tries to one-up him by announcing a performance by Rhianna at his charity event -- without first getting her to agree to appear. Mo schemes his way into meeting Rhianna when she just happens to visit Tripoli and she saves the day by agreeing to perform at his show. Rhianna performs "Umbrella" while Mo re-enacts his famous umbrella speech, much to the delight of the audience. Meanwhile, Mo's busty nurse Svetlana is surprised to find herself jealous of the attention Mo is receiving from Rhianna. (guest starring Rihanna).

6f. The Mubarack family challenges the Gaddafi family to a bowling match, with embarrassing consequences for the losers.

6e. Mo prepares to have Svetlana stoned after he overhears a conversation about getting a wart and mistakenly assumes she is pregnant.

6d. Mo dreams up a get-rich quick scheme to fund the counter-revolution.

6c. Mo complains to a neighbor about his barking dog. After the dog goes missing, Mo is falsely accused of being involved. (guest starring Michael Vick).

6b. Mo's assistant creates an international incident when he misunderstands Mo's command for "lunch" as "launch."

6a. When the Obama's come over for dinner, Mo fears the meal won't conform to the nutritional guidelines being promoted by Michelle.

5. Mo attempts to put his foot down when his son Saif announces his intention of auditioning to join the cast of "Jersey Shore". (Guest starring Snooki and The Situation).

4. Mo hits the roof when he mistakenly believes that Saif's new girlfriend is Jewish. (guest starring Kim Khardasian).

3. At an OPEC convention, Mo has trouble with the shower rod in his hotel room. Mahmoud Ahmadinjead attempts to assist. Unfortunately, Grand Ayatollah Khamenei walks into adjoining room and overhears their conversation without knowing the context. With the many references to such things as pulling rods and plugging holes, Khamenei assumes they are having gay sex and sentences them to be stoned.

2. A very special episode as a Taliban-backed drug lord who's financing the counter-revolution pressures Mo to try opium.

1. Mo's son Saif and Gamal Mubarak decide to create a support group for the sons of despotic leaders. (guest starring Ron Reagan Jr.)
-- This would be the pilot so as to increase our chances of getting picked up

We know that this is likely to be a hot commodity as the industry trades have made suggestions that NBC is looking to rip us off by signing deposed Tunisian despot Ben Ali to a buddy comedy based on "The Odd Couple." Their tentative title is "Ali versus Frazier."

Top 11 Proposed New Product Warnings On Cigarettes

New Warnings Proposed For Cigarettes

Tobacco companies should say in product warnings that they deceived the public about the dangers of smoking and manipulated their products to increase addiction, the Justice Department said Wednesday.

The department, in the final phase of a long-running court case against leading tobacco companies, released a series of statements that it wants cigarette makers to publish about the dangers of their products.

"We manipulated cigarettes to make them more addictive," one proposed statement would say. Another would say: "We control nicotine delivery to create and sustain smokers' addiction, because that's how we keep customers coming back."

Top 11 Proposed New Product Warnings On Cigarettes

11. Oh, about that lung cancer thing? Our bad.

10. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

9. In addition to killing people, we hate puppies and sunshine.

8. Instead of cigarettes, you should be spending your money on government approved virtues like gambling and alcohol and medical marijuana.

7. If it makes you feel any better, we all have a really hard time sleeping at night.

6. We designed Joe Camel's nose to look like a penis. So if you are a man who has ever smoked a Camel, you are now officially gay.

5. "Today is a good day to die." -- Crazy Horse.

4. Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly. Think! How many times do we have to tell you not to buy cigarettes?

3. Not only are we trying to kill you, we think you're fat and stupid too.

2. We have manipulated cigarettes to make them so addictive that you can't stop. Now you are going to die. BWAHAAAAHA

1. What, did you think you were going to live forever?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Top 11 Reasons Harry Reid Wants to Outlaw Prostitution in Nevada

11. Wants Nevadans to focus on more wholesome activities like gambling and storing nuclear waste

10. Part of his personal vendetta against Charlie Sheen

9. Sick and tired of that "Cathouse" HBO series

8. Obama asked him to make Nevada compliant with Sharia law

7. Too many girls pointed at him and laughed

6. Doesn't want competition for screwing the voters

5. Hoping to get big campaign contributions from lobbyists looking to repeal the ban

4. Afraid that all of the fleeing Democrat legislators will end up in Nevada

3. Easier to get freebies if he can threaten to have them arrested

2. Wants to make sure the NBA All Star Game is never held in Las Vegas again

1. He just saw Godfather Part 2

Friday, February 18, 2011

Top 11 Ways To Get Wisconsin Democrat Senators To Return For A Vote

11. By executive order, rescind the shareholder rights of any Packer stockholder in Illinois

10. Agree to hold all future votes via card check

9. Cut off the pay-per-view adult movies at the Rockford, IL Best Western

8. Allow one day in-person registration for doe permits at the capitol tomorrow

7. Declare tomorrow "Packer's Day" in Madison and announce that Aaron Rodgers will be appearing at the capitol

6. Convince Illinois legislature to pass a law subjecting visitors from Wisconsin to their new income tax rates

5. Hire "Dog" the bounty hunter

4. Free showing of "Norma Rae" in the Senate chambers

3. Allow them to drive back by raising the legal blood alcohol limit to .25

2. Free deep-fried cheese in the Senate cafeteria

1. Impersonate George Soros' voice and order them to return

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Time Of The Season

The posting on this blog has been sporadic lately, and our daily visits are way down. In order to bring them up, we could really use a link from a big-time source. I've seen how Time Magazine will link to anyone that makes up a disparaging story about Sarah Palin, so here goes:


In an exclusive interview with political blog Nihilist In Golf Pants (editors note, if I'm going to make up an interview I'm not giving the traffic to Sean Hannity), former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin criticized Cee Lo Green and Gwyneth Paltrow for using the f-word during a performance at the 2011 Grammys:

They actually performed a song titled "F*** You." When I overthrow the government and enforce Martial Law, they will be summarily executed for that behavior. Think of the children! What would my grandkids Tripp, Stumble and Fumble grow up to become if they hear this lewd and disgusting language at America's celebration of music?

Palin went on to suggest that lyrics in music are the devil's tool and that the Ventures didn't need them, so no one else should use them.

Top 11 Reasons the World Series is Better Than the Super Bowl

11. Doesn't conflict with viewing the Lingerie Bowl

10. Terry Bradshaw played football and not baseball

9. The pre-game show for the World Series is only 2 hours long

8. Teams don't wear yellow pants in the World Series (at least since 1979)

7. Baseball players aren't roided up anymore

6. They don't show an episode of Glee after the game

5. No halftime show in the World Series

4. People care more about the game than the commercials

3. Tim Lincecum's hair slightly less gay than Clay Matthews

2. 1969 Vikings would have definitely have won a best of seven game series over Chiefs

1. The Brewers NEVER win the World Series

Monday, February 07, 2011

Top 11 Ways Packer Fans are Celebrating their Super Bowl Victory

11. Forgetting the Miller Lite for a night and celebrating with that case of Milwaukee's Best put away for special occasions

10. Living up to promise to release Ben Roethlisberger's dog unharmed

9. Totally ignoring the far more significant fact that pitchers and catchers report in ten days

8. Calling in sick with a hangover from their shifts at Burger King

7. Forcing wife to wear Clay Matthews wig to bed

6e. Buying a ticket to Egypt to join in with the rioting Egyptian Packer fans

6d. Gloating by telling Vikings fans how they're not gloating

6c. Renouncing their atheism, first proclaimed after Brett Favre left town

6b. Flooding the Franklin Mint with calls about getting a Frank Zombo commemorative plate

6a. Filing papers to legally change their names to Jordy

5. Sending updated mailing address to the Packers so they will know where to send their Co-owner's Super Bowl ring

4. Flooding the Vatican with demands that Aaron Rodgers be canonized immediately

3. Convincing themselves that a bunch of out of town millionaires winning a football game somehow provides meaning and validation in their lives

2. Buying all the Super Bowl XLV crap that the Home Shopping Network can produce

1. Just generally being insufferable

Christina Aguilera's Star Mangled Banner Transcript

Ohhhhohoho whoaaaohh, say can you seeeeeeeeee
By oh by oh baby bye bye the dawn's early light
What so proudly, so prouououdly we watched
At the twilight's last, it's last, it's layihayahaidiast?
Whose broad stripes and bright, so briiigidiyight, and stars
Thru the really bad fight,
At the twilight's last, it's last, it's layihayahaidiast
And if you wanna be with me, baby there's a price to pay,
Goin' proof through the night, you gotta rub me the right way.
Oh, say say saiaiaiay does that star-spangled banner yet wave
Whatever makes me happy sets you free
and the home of the brave,
And it keeps gettin better!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Top 11+ Ways Vikings Fans Are Preparing for the Super Bowl

11. Buying bait.

10. Issuing white papers that assert that even though the Packers beat the Vikings twice in 2010 and beat the 1, 2 and 3 seeds on the road in the playoffs to advance to the Super Bowl, they still suck.

9. Contacting dealer to see if he has anything more potent than meth.

8. Soaking rotting herring in lye for some damn reason.


6d. Predrafting letters to the editor calling for the firing of Leslie Frasier.

6c. Convincing selves that hockey is a much more popular sport than football and nobody cares about the Super Bowl.

6b. Cheering themselves up with a good book like Sum of All Fears or Black Sunday.

6a. Continuing to hold out hope that they will get a text message from Brett Favre.

6. Taking their mind off the Super Bowl by booking a trip to New York to see the most successful Broadway play of the 2010 seas- Ah crap!

5. Dropping $100 on a Steelers jersey they will only wear once. Well, maybe twice.

4. Super Bowl? What's a Super Bowl?

3. Limbering up so they don't pull a muscle when they curl up in the fetal position on Sunday.

2. Gloating abut how there were no Packers in the Pro Bowl to anyone who'll listen.

1. Being insufferable in the face of futility, as usual.