Top 11 Proposed New Product Warnings On Cigarettes

New Warnings Proposed For Cigarettes

Tobacco companies should say in product warnings that they deceived the public about the dangers of smoking and manipulated their products to increase addiction, the Justice Department said Wednesday.

The department, in the final phase of a long-running court case against leading tobacco companies, released a series of statements that it wants cigarette makers to publish about the dangers of their products.

"We manipulated cigarettes to make them more addictive," one proposed statement would say. Another would say: "We control nicotine delivery to create and sustain smokers' addiction, because that's how we keep customers coming back."

Top 11 Proposed New Product Warnings On Cigarettes

11. Oh, about that lung cancer thing? Our bad.

10. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

9. In addition to killing people, we hate puppies and sunshine.

8. Instead of cigarettes, you should be spending your money on government approved virtues like gambling and alcohol and medical marijuana.

7. If it makes you feel any better, we all have a really hard time sleeping at night.

6. We designed Joe Camel's nose to look like a penis. So if you are a man who has ever smoked a Camel, you are now officially gay.

5. "Today is a good day to die." -- Crazy Horse.

4. Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly. Think! How many times do we have to tell you not to buy cigarettes?

3. Not only are we trying to kill you, we think you're fat and stupid too.

2. We have manipulated cigarettes to make them so addictive that you can't stop. Now you are going to die. BWAHAAAAHA

1. What, did you think you were going to live forever?