Thursday, April 30, 2009

Osterholm Hits The Panic Button

The World Health Organization (WHO) on Monday raised the alert level for Dr. Michael Osterholm induced swine flu hysteria from phase 3 to 4, two levels below the declaration of a full pandemic. The elevated alert means there has been sustained human-to-human transmission of the Dr. Osterholm’s dire warnings and that scientists now believe government efforts should focus on slowing the spread of the Dr. Osterholm’s fatalistic predictions rather than containing it at its source.

"We have taken a step in that direction, but a pandemic is not considered inevitable," said Keiji Fukuda, the WHO's interim director-general for health, safety and environment (and a guy who's last name makes Learned Foot laugh). "The situation is fluid and continues to evolve." That fluidity was perhaps the only certainty of the fast-changing situation. On Monday morning, a 5 page story quoting Osterholm, a media whoring epidemiologist from the University of Minnesota, appeared in Time Magazine, adding to that country's woes. Osterholm’s media appearance count has climbed to 152 and more than 160 million people across the nation had fallen victim to the panic. So far, laboratories have confirmed only 26 cases, including seven deaths, as hysteria directly related swine flu, but blame Osterholm for panicking millions. In an effort to stem further spread of the apparently deadly panic, the US government is looking into nationalizing the health care industry.

New Osterholm induced hysteria cases were also confirmed in Canada, Scotland, Spain and Mexico, as the number of media appearances for Dr. Osterholm more than doubled in the last week. The deteriorating situation prompted the U.S. Vice President to recommend that travelers postpone "nonessential travel" on public transportation — even after Obama administration officials criticized the decent Americans for resisting the use of public transportation.

"We continue to approach this investigation and our control efforts aggressively," said Richard Besser, acting director for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). "You don't know going into a panic what it will look like in the end, and we want to be aggressive."

The WHO also announced that it would not begin the process of preparing a counter-propaganda campaign. But the agency recommended that drug companies switching immediately to the production of some sort of vaccine. That's important because drug makers are currently in the process of being taken over by the Federal government.

At the same time, public officials have been quick to pile on to unnecessary panic. "This is obviously a cause for concern," said President Barack Obama in a speech to the National Academy of Sciences on Monday morning. That message was echoed by Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, the lead federal official on the swine flu panic, as well as WHO officials and just about every other official connected to the global panic response who spoke to the public on Monday.

Indeed, so far there is very little reason for anyone outside the US to be worried about their health. There are relatively few cases of Osterholm being quoted in foreign newspapers, and none of those periodicals have taken him seriously. His panicked predictions appear to be vulnerable to common sense, and thanks to global pandemic preparations since the Lawrence Jacobs election analysis epidemic of 2008 and this year's extended Franken/Coleman Senate race in Minnesota, the U.S. and other developed countries maintain large strategies for dealing with overexposure to self-important and bloviating professors from the University of Minnesota. "We are seeing a much more clear and cogent response than in the past," said Laurie Garrett, senior fellow for global health at the Council on Foreign Relations.

Despite the fact that cases outside the US haven't been serious, the situation is far from secure. For one thing, scientists still don't know why the anyone listens to Osterholm. It could be that his predictions have simply been reported in the press too long or that people were not treated quickly enough with reasonable perspective; or it could be that a more serious epidemic is still to come in other parts of the world.

The WHO's decision to raise the pandemic alert level to phase 4 cannot be taken lightly. Although the move will not have much effect on the U.S. response, it will obligate countries that have not yet been infected to step up precautions. For poor nations, that undertaking could be expensive, and may divert resources from other threats. "The [WHO] was mindful of the fact that a phase change would have social and political implications for everyone," said Fukuda. "But we focused on what we knew about the punditry."

What is puzzling, however, is the WHO's decision to escalate the alert now, when the world has most likely missed its chance to contain the propoganda. When the WHO's pandemic alert system was first conceived, phase 4 was intended to indicate the moment when a new panic had been identified and could spread effectively from person to person (as fair media treatment of President Obama has never been able to do), but was still limited enough that health officials could launch a global effort to contain it and snuff it out with common sense.

But it's clearly too late for that now — Dr. Osterholm’s Malthusian prediction has jumped across borders, and both the WHO and CDC have acknowledged that containment is no longer an option. So, while raising the alert level, the WHO also recommended that countries do not close borders or impose travel bans. "Restricting travel would have very little effect on stopping the movement of this hysteria," said Fukuda. At this point, trying to close borders would be like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted — better to focus on community-level protections like critical thinking.

For now, there are more questions than answers. Most important among them: Exactly what is going on with Dr. Osterholm, the epidemiologist working so hard to create the swine flu panic? Uncertainty, however, is unavoidable when it comes to hysteria — a shifty, emotional issue that is harder to get a handle on than, well, a greased pig. "There is no standard picture for how this will develop," said Fukuda. "We don't know."

In the Land of Liberals

I happened to be flipping through the HBO channels and came across “In the Land of Women”, starring Seth from the O.C. and Meg Ryan. The scene I caught, between Meg Ryan’s character and her 10 or 11 year old daughter, epitomizes the Hollywood/liberal world view:

I took twenty dollars from your purse.

Meg Ryan:
Really, when?

Awhile ago. Last February.

Meg Ryan:
Are you serious?

Yeah, I’ve been wanting to tell you for awhile. I felt bad about it. Sorry.

Meg Ryan:
Well, just out of curiosity, what did you need twenty dollars for?

It’s stupid. I wanna start saving money. You know, for the future. But, I didn’t have any money, so I needed a foundation.

Meg Ryan:
Right, well, at least you’re financially responsible.

I think that the Obama administration can finally fill one of those vacant Deputy Treasury Secretary positions.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Arlen Specter Switched to the Democratic Party

11. Felt that the Democrats' donkey was a more honest logo than the elephant.

10. Robert Byrd is a very persuasive recruiter.

9. Thinks he now has a shot at Scarlet Johanssen.

8. Tired of having to pay income taxes every year.

7. Obama promised to lay hands on him and cure his Hodgkin's Disease.

6. Tired of the extremism in the Republican Party. Would rather caucus with such noted moderates as Patty Murray, Barbara Boxer, Russ Feingold, Gwen Moore & Barney Frank.

5. Hoping that Sean Penn will now introduce him to Hugo Chavez.

4. He was promised his own personal airport, like John Murtha.

3. He was promised Ted Kennedy’s scotch cache when Teddy kicks the bucket.

2. Less embarrassing to lose the Republican primary when you are a Democrat.

1. Wait... "switched"?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Top 11 Upcoming Obama Administration Photo Ops

11. Surprise gift of a gigantic mechanical lizard to the city of Tokyo

10. Sending that guy who played Kumar to the Minnesota Vikings training facility saying he has a delivery for Percy Harvin

9. Japanese vintage air force acrobatic team performance over Pearl Harbor

8. Joe Biden in an Easter Bunny suit surprising Jimmy Carter

7. Gift of ovens and shower remodeling to the local Jewish Community Center

6. Reception for Armenian diplomatic delegation at Turkish bathhouse

5. Conference call with Donald Trump to the President of Chrysler wishing him a happy birthday

4. Sending a gift of several divisions of authentic Panzer tanks to the Paris Historical Society

3. Broadway cast of Pirates of Penzance sent on USO mission to surprise Navy ships in Gulf of Aden

2. Floating the giant inflatable pig from the Pink Floyd album cover over the Mexican border

1. Unexpected U-Haul full of fertilizer sent to the new Oklahoma City Federal Building landscaping project

Monday, April 27, 2009

Now That Mary Ann Glendon Has Declined To Accept The Laetare Medal From Notre Dame, Top 11 Other "Deserving Recipients" The School is Considering

[ Background ]

11. Nancy Pelosi

10. Kathleen Sebelius

9. Betty McCollum

8. Keith Ellison

7. Monica Lewinsky

6. Margaret Sanger (posthumous)

5. Martin Luther (posthumous)

4. Perez Hilton

3. Bo

2. Joe Biden's hair implants

1. Eve Ensler

Friday, April 24, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Nihilist in Golf Pants was Screwed Out of The City Pages Best Blog in the Twin Cities Award for the Third Consecutive Year

11. Failed to provide even one post telling readers where to get kick ass Oxacan tacos

10. Wintryminx reminds CP editors of the girls who wouldn’t go out with them in High School

9. Learned Foot reminds CP editors of the guys who won’t go out with them now

8. Due to budget cuts, no one at City Pages actually has Internet access

7. Editors offended that the Nihilist refused drive downtown to pick up the 2006 award without appropriate travel reimbursement

6. The bloggers at Culture Bully bribed the CP editors with free body piercings

5. Bizarre requirement that the winning blog be updated several times a day

4. Simply not as hip as a blog that posts music videos by bands you’ve never heard of

3. Once again we split the conservative vote with Power Line

2. Afraid of gay escort advertising backlash

1. Reputation ruined by Dump the Nihilist blog

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Top 11 Things More Ridiculous Than The Uniforms The Red Sox Wore Yesterday

Sorry. I got nothin'.

King asked for it and we made it: Twins Drop Two to Green

Atlas Shrugged – The Updated Hollywood Version

Rumors have been flying that Hollywood is finally going to make a film version of Ayn Rand’s novel, “Atlas Shrugged”. Inexplicably, Rand fans have taken this as a sign that Hollywood is embracing free markets and individual liberty. Apparently, these folks don’t watch Hollywood movies. I have obtained a scene from the upcoming “Atlas Shrugged”. Be careful what you wish for, Ayn Rand fans: Hollywood Shrugged.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Top 11 Questions For Miss USA Contestants

11. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

10. What are those, D's?

9. How do you resolve the contradictions inherent in the Augustinian just war doctrine and the coronation of Charlemagne by Pope Leo III?

8. What sacrifices are you prepared to order others to make in the name of stopping man made climate change?

7. When will the producers of the Miss USA pageant get over their prudish, puritanical hang-ups and finally allow thong bikinis in competition?

6. Would you like to meet Mr. Trump?

5. If the Prime Directive is so important, how come Captain Kirk violates it in every episode of Star Trek?

4. Are you now or have you ever been a right-wing extremist?

3. Does anybody really give a flying crap what Perez Hilton thinks about anything?

2. How many innocents would you condemn to death in order to stop a terrorist attack?

1. Can you explain how everyone who doesn't blindly follow my pet liberal ideology is an unenlightened cretin?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Exposé: Infiltrating a Right-Wing Terrorist Compound

Editor’s Note: The following was leaked to us by a source in the Department of Homeland Security. I’m sure you’ll be as chilled by what they’ve discovered as we were. Hopefully, the authorities will take down this dangerous terrorist cell with extreme prejudice, er, extreme legality. May God have mercy upon our souls.

Upon infiltrating the terrorist compound, I identified four terrorists surrounding a television. I was unable to make any positive IDs on any of the terrorists as they referred to themselves in apparent code names. Their leader goes by the name “Elder” and the others were referred to as Atomizer, JB, and Saint Paul (whom appears to be their christianist spiritual leader).

Due to the necessity of maintaining a safe distance from these dangerous thugs, I could only make out bits and pieces of their conversation. However, I was able to gather two potentially significant bits of intelligence.
* The cell members denounced a “Scott Baker” with extreme vehemence. RECOMMENDATION: It is advisable to locate this person and place him in protective custody. Start with chiropractic offices, as the terrorists theorized that he “has whiplash from looking back over his shoulder so often”.
* The cell’s weapon supplier is someone named “La Planta”. The terrorist JB repeated several times that “La Planta absolutely, definitely, no doubt about it, has a piece”.

When they finally stumbled out of the compound, I conducted a search. A strong stench of evil lingered even after their departure. The source of this stench was the burning of several small cylindrical tubes of two types: one small and white, preferred by the insurgent referred to as Atomizer, and the other, a larger, brown cylinder that was tested by the other insurgents. The cell seemed to be testing these devices in preparation for some sort of chemical attack. The smell from these devices is reminiscent of the smell of bars before they were de-cancerfied. RECOMMENDATION: All public spaces should be put on high alert for a possible chemical attack consisting of potent carcinogens.

Strewed in every nook and cranny of the compound, is the vilest of vile, hate-filled propaganda. Consider an example from one of their more common sources, an underground publication I had not previously heard of, called the “Wall Street Journal”. One article from this “journal” actually denounced the use of traffic cameras. I kid you not. With their poor little minds exposed to such nonsense, it is no surprise that they’ve become such dangerous extremists.

I could find no firearms in the compound. This is an ominous sign – they’ve clearly bought into the preposterous conspiracy theory that we intend to take away their beloved guns. RECOMMENDATION: surveillance on each cell member until they lead us to their weapons cache, so that we can confiscate it. The surveillance is unlikely to be needed for long; I’m sure they need to lovingly stroke their “guns” at frequent intervals.

There were also several odd looking wooden sticks in the compound that may be used in some sort of martial arts training. I could not identify them, but they are in the shape of the global temperature graph from the Al Gore masterpiece, “An Inconvenient Truth”. RECCOMMENDATION: Notify local law enforcement to be on the look out for these global warming-shaped weapons.

I save the most worrisome room of the compound for last: the bomb making room. This room is littered with a mind-boggling array of flammable liquids and bottles for making literally billions of Molotov cocktails. I believe these terrorists may have been inspired by the attack on Mumbai of last year, as most of the explosives’ containers are labeled “Bombay Sapphire”. There is also an almost entirely full bottle labeled, “Armenian Brandy”. This liquid appears to be especially flammable and dangerous. RECOMMENDATION: Notify the Turkish consulate of an imminent threat.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Top 11 Names Considered for the New Obama Dog before they Settled on “Bo”

11. Bho

10. D'oh!

9. Cooter

8. Brokeback

7. Ho (Chi Minh)

6. Poll Fodder

5. Jon Stewart (they already have a lap dog by that name)

4. Prompter

3. Mary Jo (after all, it is a Portuguese Water Dog given to them by Ted Kennedy)

2. Canine One

1. Hairy-Backed Swamp Developer

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Top 11 Other Obama Administration Ideas for Combating Global Warming

11. Commission the creation of the worlds largest ice cube; dump it in the Pacific

10. Make all the people on earth wear white year round.

9. Send Gov. Schwarzeneggar back in time to kill John D. Rockerfeller's mother.

8. Utilize a fleet of Zambonis to create new glaciers.

7. A planet-sized gin and tonic.

6. Build a cool mist sprinkler around the circumference of the earth.

5. Husbands will be urged to ask their wives whether they have been gaining weight.

4. Throw some dirt on the sun to cool it down a bit.

3. Mandate that all future earth cities be built in the shade.

2. Ask T. Boone Pickens to build one really, really big oscillating windmill. Set it on high.

1. Tape Joe Biden's mouth shut.

Teach Your Children Well

Article in the paper today about the detriments of over-praising children. Apparently telling shnookums he's a genius every time he lights a fart is a key ingredient in a recipe for an adulthood spent on a therapist's couch. 

Now, this is something quite a few people have already known for quite some time; an underground contingency of parents who were, themselves, raised by folks with an iron but loving fist. I have noticed over the past few years, a movement on the playing fields to stop stuffing our roly-poly offspring with cookies every time there's a break in the (usually stupefyingly dull) game, followed by a trip to Dairy Queen "because you're all winners!" 

This is a very good thing. My own youngster asked me why I neglected to sign her up for soccer this spring, and I told her "Because you suck at it. Let's find something you're good at."

I didn't really say that. But she does suck at it, and the article cites the fact that constant praise leads to neediness and a thin skin, things that will prepare the next generation for nothing more challenging than texting each other and cyberporn. My point is, I wasn't praised to the skies just for breathing in and out, and it readied me for real life, able to take a dressing-down on occasion. 

Example: the other day, Mr. Foot felt it necessary to send me a message in the form of a flatulent, bikini-clad avatar (knowing his predilection for all things fecal, one could surmise that he was simply fantasizing about his dream-girl, but one won't) because he thought something I wrote was sub-par. (I did momentarily imagine he'd infused the post with meaning it didn't have, but that's the blogosphere for you. Things can be lost in translation very easily and one must take the lumps doled out, misread intentions or not. Maybe he just thought it was lazy. I should add however, that I do actually have that very same bikini. But I don't eat burritos ever, under any circumstance.)  The ability to receive the message, learn from it,  and move on has much to do with my upbringing.  I didn't just have parents who expected a lot from me, I had siblings who were (are) not the least bit shy of telling me I was little more than a functioning retard on a daily basis. And for that, I thank them.

The bottom line, lovelies, is that kids are pretty stupid. Left to their own devices they eat inappropriate things, plug the toilet on a daily basis and can't throw a ball worth a damn until someone teaches them to. Praise them when they get it right. Amen, brotha.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

She May Be Crazy, But You're Brain Dead

Oh cute. The Constipated Rage-Based community is circulating a "petition" to recall Michele Bachmann.

Two problems with this:

1. These online petitions have about as much influence on public policy and action as the Nihilist in Golf Pants has in battling Somali pirates.

2. You can't recall federal office holders.

Go ahead and sign it anyway if you are so inclined. For at least a moment it'll keep you from hurting yourself cleaning your ears out with a steak knife, mindlessly walking into walls or whatever other dangers are inherent in having the IQ of a peat moss.

Top 11 Comedy Characters Joining The Obama Administration

This week we learned that Kumar of the films, "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" and "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" will be joining the Obama Administration.

We are excited by this development, as it should increase the brainpower of the Obama Administration significantly. Hopefully the president will listen to Kumar, he is clearly a better advisor than Obama has had to date.

We believe that there are additional comedy characters that could lend sage advice to the White House. Here are the top 11:

11. Spicoli (Fast Times At Ridgemont High)

10. Flounder (Animal House)

9. Booger (Revenge of the Nerds)

8. Borat (Borat)

7. Rerun (What's Happening)

6. Meathead (All in the Family)

5. Tootie (The Facts of Life)

4. Horshak (Welcome Back Kotter)

3. Screech (Saved By The Bell)

2. Cartman (South Park)

1. Beavis and Butthead (Beavis and Butthead Do America)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Headline from AOL news: Rude Cell Phone Users Might Get Prison Time in India

What?! India? I mean I get as annoyed as anyone at the a-hole at Target who thinks I want to hear about the sloppy seconds he had at Delta House on Saturday night, but that doesn't mean I want the poor shmuck shipped off to spend the rest of his days rotting away in a Mumbai prison. 

How rude do you have to be, exactly, for this to apply?

Interior, courthouse. Judge cracks gavel on that wooden thing:

Judge: "Bob Thompson, I hearby sentence you to hard time in India for being rude with your cell phone."

Bob Thompson: "India?? What? My buddy Sully just had to pay a fine!"  

Bob's lawyer: "Bob, shhh. Don't make it worse."

Bob: "Don't make it worse? How much worse could it get? You told me this sentence was an urban myth!"

Bob's lawyer: "Bob, SHUT UP. Your honor, I don't know him. I think I'm in the wrong courtroom...yep. My apologies." 

Bob, pleading to judge: "Can't I just go to Canada?"

Judge: "Mr. Thompson, this new law was created to make an example of people like you, not to give you an all-expenses paid trip to Vancouver. Maybe the next time you feel the need to anally rape your neighbor with your Nokia 6210 Navigator, you'll think twice."

Bob, chastened: "Would it have made a difference if I'd only used the 2680 model?"

Judge: "No. Guards, take him away."

As he is being led away, Bob yells over his shoulder, "Screw you! I don't care, he deserved it! His G**-D*** dog would not stay out of my begonias! I warned him...tell my kids I love them..."

I mean come on, no way is this-- whoops. I just read the rest of the article. 

Never mind.

Moron Mail Theater

Ladies and gentlemen: meet Donna, the most dangerous woman in Minnesota:

I had hoped to read a Star Tribune condemnation of Rep. Michele Bachmann's incitements to violence. Instead, we get a puff piece ("The Messenger," April 5) calling her "colorful."

Bachmann wants Minnesotans "armed and dangerous." She wants people to "take 'our' country back." She calls for an "orderly revolution." Then Bachmann adds the disclaimer, she meant it "figuratively, not literally." Let me assure the Star Tribune that the most dangerous people out here don't know the difference between "figuratively and literally."

I just got an ice cream headache trying to wrap my brain around the positively delicious irony in that last sentence.

There is an alarming rise in hate speech and hate groups, some calling for the murder of us Obama supporters, African-Americans in general, Jewish people, gays and lesbians, and President Obama. Just a few weeks ago some maniac out here in the heartland told me killing Jewish people might solve the economic crisis.

If, God forbid, the killing starts, it won't be "orderly," and Bachmann and, now, the Star Tribune staff will have blood on their hands. Why aren't Christians speaking out against this incitement to violence?


Normally, I would give a letter as paranoid and dumb as this one a robust, insult-laden fisking. But now I just dramatize them in a robust, insult-laden cartoon.


Top 11 Languages President Obama Plans To Study After Brushing Up On His Austrian

11. Canadian

10. Mexican

9 Brazilian

8. Belgian

7. Saudi Arabian

6. United Nationian

5. Antarctican

4. Scandinavian

3. Minnesotan

2. American

1. Australian

Monday, April 06, 2009

Hooray for Winteryminx!

She finally heeded the call of her fellow nihilists and posted something!

Though, I must admit I had a hard time understanding it. Maybe if it were presented as an animated short, her post might make more sense.

Yeah, that definitely helped.

Also, our reader has elected Sisyphus to be this blog's next CEO. Admin: please change this blog's name to "Sisyphus in M-Kat's Pants." Thank you.

SISYPHUS ADDS: Great, now I will probably end up in jail on some trumped-up Sarbanes-Oxley offense.

Top Eleven Things The U.S. Is Also Not At War With

11. Chris Brown. Just because Rihanna "doesn't know when to shut up" doesn't mean he wants to punch everyone.

10. Vin Diesel's career; just because he sucks doesn't mean we won't pay 72.5 million to watch

9. So You Think You Can Dance; just because one contestant raped 4 women doesn't mean all the contestants raped 4 women 

8. Italian Earthquakes

7. Judd Apatow--though this may change if he doesn't stop releasing a movie every 7 seconds

6. Tom Brady; just because he dumped  Bridget Moynihan for forgetting to take her pill  doesn't mean he won't make a fine husband to Giselle Bundchen

5. Farrah Fawcett's impending death

4. Over-the-counter meds

3. Remaining band-member reunions, Paul and Ringo notwithstanding

2. Kelly Clarkson, despite our valiant war on obesity

1. The environment, despite all those stupid bumper-stickers

Top 11 Repercussions North Korea Will Suffer Because of its Missile Launch

11. When President Obama meets Kim Jong Il, he will only give him a half-hearted partial bow

10. Effective immediately, North Korea will be on Double Secret Probation

9. Tina Fey will portray Kim Jong Il as a total ditz in future SNL skits

8. North Korea will be the target of next petition drive

7. Obama will shake his head and tell Kim he's “very disappointed in him”

6. North Korea will be temporarily stripped of its Chairmanship of the UN Non-Nuclear Proliferation Committee

5. Total embargo of all MASH reruns

4. Obama will express disbelief that Kim is a better golfer than Tiger Woods

3. Obama won't bring extra cigarettes when he visits Pyongyang

2. The iPod given to Kim will include only Obama’s teleprompter-less speeches

1. North Korea officially uninvited to next meeting of G-200

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Top 11 Reasons A Malawi Court Rejected Madonna's Application To Adopt Chifundo "Mercy" James

11. Afraid Madonna would give the kid a really goofy name

10. Afraid that being around A-Rod would be a bad influence on the kid

9. Madonna let slip that she planned to put the kid to work in her Indonesian sweat shop

8. Her bribe to the judges consisted of an iPod loaded with Obama speeches

7. AIDS ridden Malawi is still a less perverted environment for a child than living with Madonna

6. Still holding a grudge over buying tickets for Shanghai Surprise

5. The last Malawi kid that she adopted testified that he envies Christina Crawford

4. Her book "Sex" not fully compliant with Sharia law

3. Little known Malawi law requires adoptive parents to have some sort of talent

2. Doesn't want the kid living in a country plagued by runaway debt, corruption, and incompetent government leaders

1. Angelina Jolie rumored to be preparing a better offer

Friday, April 03, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Winteryminx Hasn't Posted Lately At NIGP

11. She's been busy with extra work in the NIGP steno pool

10. Too busy stuffing the ballot box for NiGP in the City Pages "Best of" contest for Best Local Web Site and Best Villain

9a. Ever since Sisyphus started wearing shorts again, she has had trouble concentrating

9b. Ever since Sisyphus started wearing shorts again, she considers the NIGP corporate offices to be a hostile work environment

8. JB keeps making her iron his shirts during her free posting time

7. "Days of Our Lives" has been really engrossing lately

6. Gave up writing withering satire for Lent

5. In hindsight, it turns out that having JB mentor her probably wasn't such a good idea

4. She went off and popped out a couple more kids

3. Still undergoing medical procedures for the debut of her next moniker "Hairy Backed Swamp Developer"

2. She has a headache, maybe tomorrow

1. It's...uh, you know...a "woman's thing"


We here at NIGP World Headquarters have just received the following letter from the Treasury Department:


Our records indicate that you recently requested and received $9,585,164.77 from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). As you are aware, this money came with certain conditions which need to be met for your continued use of this disbursement.

It has come to the department's attention that you used approximately $0.00 of this disbursement to hire 2 new bloggers in an attempt to restructure your firm. An audit has determined that your expenditure of $0.00 dollars has not led to any appreciable improvement in your blog's performance. To wit: there has been no increase in your daily unique visitor count and, indeed, most of your business continues to come in the form of Google Image searches for "Scarlet Johansen" or "nude art".

Therefore we are requiring you to resign from your role as CEO of The Nihilist in Golf Pants Blog. Please make arrangements for resignation and the nomination of your successor immediately. You may not return any TARP money in lieu of keeping your job.

Thank you for your patronage of the Troubled Asset Relief Program, and I look forward to working with you in the future.


Timmy Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury.

P.S. We are also investigating your backdated stock options.

I think it's kind of disturbing to note that they have a form letter for this.

As Chief In House Counsel for Nihilist in Golf Pants Publishing Ltd. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Vandelay Industries), it is my sad duty to inform our reader that the Nihilist in Golf Pants has had to step down as our CEO. It also falls to me to choose his successor with a meaningless poll:

Who should be the new CEO of The Nihilist in Golf Pants?
St. Paul
Misanthropic Frat Boy
Free polls from

Top 11 Possible Explanations for Why The President of the United States Appeared to Bow Down Before the King of Saudi Arabia

11. Staff placed the teleprompter too low

10. Bowing his head in disappointment upon learning that there would be no bacon at brunch

9. Always doubles over in laughter at the sight of a man in a dress

8. Hoped that by bowing he could make up for diplomatic faux pas he committed by giving the King a special collector's edition DVD of "Yentl."

7. Apologizing for all the mean things he’s said about the King’s buddy, George Bush

6. The King just happened to be between him and Mecca

5. Not bowing, he is searching his pockets for a pack of smokes

4. Practicing his duck-and-cover drill for when North Korea and Iran have nuclear missiles

3. Looking at his shoe mirror to see if the King's wearing anything under those robes

2. King Abdullah tricked him by asking whether anyone had dropped a trillion dollar bill

1. Was actually bending over for the President of Russia behind him

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Top 11 Words or Phrases that Sound Funny When Spoken by a Computer Generated Voice

...can be found here.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

A NIGP Original Film

Bobo has just become obsolete.

UPDATE: Up the Irons!

(Unfortunately, the guy running Camera 1 apparently walked off the job half-way through the shooting.)

NIHILIST ADDS: I have made my first film! It depicts the events of the last week. In the spirit of Oliver Stone's "W" I present, "Michelle and the Queen: The Original Odd Couple"

Top 11 Reasons Newt Gingrich Recently Converted To Catholicism

11. Pretty sure he's done getting divorced now

10. Has heard good things about this heaven place

9. Inspired by the witness of ardent Catholic politicians like Nancy Pelosi

8. Wants to take a half day on Good Friday

7. Looking for a quick way to get back to being hated and reviled by the secular Left again

6. Really got a kick out of Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act

5. Converted for the jokes

4. Heard that the Church is bringing back indulgences and he has a really long list of sins that he wants forgiven

3. Looking forward to giving up taxes for Lent

2. Two words: plaid skirts

1. Thinks he's got a shot at becoming the first St. Newt