WE R IN UR BASE KILLIN' ALL UR CEOs
We here at NIGP World Headquarters have just received the following letter from the Treasury Department:
Dear MR. PANTS:
Our records indicate that you recently requested and received $9,585,164.77 from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). As you are aware, this money came with certain conditions which need to be met for your continued use of this disbursement.
It has come to the department's attention that you used approximately $0.00 of this disbursement to hire 2 new bloggers in an attempt to restructure your firm. An audit has determined that your expenditure of $0.00 dollars has not led to any appreciable improvement in your blog's performance. To wit: there has been no increase in your daily unique visitor count and, indeed, most of your business continues to come in the form of Google Image searches for "Scarlet Johansen" or "nude art".
Therefore we are requiring you to resign from your role as CEO of The Nihilist in Golf Pants Blog. Please make arrangements for resignation and the nomination of your successor immediately. You may not return any TARP money in lieu of keeping your job.
Thank you for your patronage of the Troubled Asset Relief Program, and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Cordially,
Timmy Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury.
P.S. We are also investigating your backdated stock options.
I think it's kind of disturbing to note that they have a form letter for this.
As Chief In House Counsel for Nihilist in Golf Pants Publishing Ltd. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Vandelay Industries), it is my sad duty to inform our reader that the Nihilist in Golf Pants has had to step down as our CEO. It also falls to me to choose his successor with a meaningless poll:
Dear MR. PANTS:
Our records indicate that you recently requested and received $9,585,164.77 from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). As you are aware, this money came with certain conditions which need to be met for your continued use of this disbursement.
It has come to the department's attention that you used approximately $0.00 of this disbursement to hire 2 new bloggers in an attempt to restructure your firm. An audit has determined that your expenditure of $0.00 dollars has not led to any appreciable improvement in your blog's performance. To wit: there has been no increase in your daily unique visitor count and, indeed, most of your business continues to come in the form of Google Image searches for "Scarlet Johansen" or "nude art".
Therefore we are requiring you to resign from your role as CEO of The Nihilist in Golf Pants Blog. Please make arrangements for resignation and the nomination of your successor immediately. You may not return any TARP money in lieu of keeping your job.
Thank you for your patronage of the Troubled Asset Relief Program, and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Cordially,
Timmy Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury.
P.S. We are also investigating your backdated stock options.
I think it's kind of disturbing to note that they have a form letter for this.
As Chief In House Counsel for Nihilist in Golf Pants Publishing Ltd. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Vandelay Industries), it is my sad duty to inform our reader that the Nihilist in Golf Pants has had to step down as our CEO. It also falls to me to choose his successor with a meaningless poll:
posted by LearnedFoot at 4/03/2009 12:23:00 PM
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