Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Exposé: Infiltrating a Right-Wing Terrorist Compound

Editor’s Note: The following was leaked to us by a source in the Department of Homeland Security. I’m sure you’ll be as chilled by what they’ve discovered as we were. Hopefully, the authorities will take down this dangerous terrorist cell with extreme prejudice, er, extreme legality. May God have mercy upon our souls.

Upon infiltrating the terrorist compound, I identified four terrorists surrounding a television. I was unable to make any positive IDs on any of the terrorists as they referred to themselves in apparent code names. Their leader goes by the name “Elder” and the others were referred to as Atomizer, JB, and Saint Paul (whom appears to be their christianist spiritual leader).

Due to the necessity of maintaining a safe distance from these dangerous thugs, I could only make out bits and pieces of their conversation. However, I was able to gather two potentially significant bits of intelligence.
* The cell members denounced a “Scott Baker” with extreme vehemence. RECOMMENDATION: It is advisable to locate this person and place him in protective custody. Start with chiropractic offices, as the terrorists theorized that he “has whiplash from looking back over his shoulder so often”.
* The cell’s weapon supplier is someone named “La Planta”. The terrorist JB repeated several times that “La Planta absolutely, definitely, no doubt about it, has a piece”.

When they finally stumbled out of the compound, I conducted a search. A strong stench of evil lingered even after their departure. The source of this stench was the burning of several small cylindrical tubes of two types: one small and white, preferred by the insurgent referred to as Atomizer, and the other, a larger, brown cylinder that was tested by the other insurgents. The cell seemed to be testing these devices in preparation for some sort of chemical attack. The smell from these devices is reminiscent of the smell of bars before they were de-cancerfied. RECOMMENDATION: All public spaces should be put on high alert for a possible chemical attack consisting of potent carcinogens.

Strewed in every nook and cranny of the compound, is the vilest of vile, hate-filled propaganda. Consider an example from one of their more common sources, an underground publication I had not previously heard of, called the “Wall Street Journal”. One article from this “journal” actually denounced the use of traffic cameras. I kid you not. With their poor little minds exposed to such nonsense, it is no surprise that they’ve become such dangerous extremists.

I could find no firearms in the compound. This is an ominous sign – they’ve clearly bought into the preposterous conspiracy theory that we intend to take away their beloved guns. RECOMMENDATION: surveillance on each cell member until they lead us to their weapons cache, so that we can confiscate it. The surveillance is unlikely to be needed for long; I’m sure they need to lovingly stroke their “guns” at frequent intervals.

There were also several odd looking wooden sticks in the compound that may be used in some sort of martial arts training. I could not identify them, but they are in the shape of the global temperature graph from the Al Gore masterpiece, “An Inconvenient Truth”. RECCOMMENDATION: Notify local law enforcement to be on the look out for these global warming-shaped weapons.

I save the most worrisome room of the compound for last: the bomb making room. This room is littered with a mind-boggling array of flammable liquids and bottles for making literally billions of Molotov cocktails. I believe these terrorists may have been inspired by the attack on Mumbai of last year, as most of the explosives’ containers are labeled “Bombay Sapphire”. There is also an almost entirely full bottle labeled, “Armenian Brandy”. This liquid appears to be especially flammable and dangerous. RECOMMENDATION: Notify the Turkish consulate of an imminent threat.



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Blogger Sisyphus said...

I knew that if this post were left on top long enough, someone would leave a comment -- and I was right!

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Blogger W.B. Picklesworth said...

Well I for one thought it was very well written. Good job Sisyphus!

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