Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Top 11 Ideas For The KAR Header

It is no secret that I have had a falling out with the guys from the Kool Aid Report blog. We are now engaged in constructive peace talks. One of my demands that the Kool Aid Report guys agreed to was to replace their blog header. It currently features a scene of Vice President Cheney, moments after shooting the Kool Aid guy in the face. This image frightened my pre-school child, and I am pleased that the KAR guys have agreed to remove it. They even were so gracious as to allow me to provide input regarding the image they will use to replace it. Here are my top 11 ideas. Hopefully they won't scare any pre-schoolers:

11. Kool Aid Guy pulling Mike Modano's sweater over his head as he pummels him at center ice

10. Kool Aid Guy pitching a baseball to Joe Mauer

9. Kool Aid Guy caddying for Tiger Woods

8. Kool Aid Guy providing legal counsel to a weeping Nick Lachey

7. Kool Aid Guy (and Elisha Cuthbert) cornered by a mountain lion as FOX news look on

6. Kool Aid Guy, in cowboy hat, accepting an Academy Award

5. Kool Aid Guy (as member of the Sex Pistols) refusing to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

4. Kool Aid Guy with anguished look as he files his taxes

3. Kool Aid Guy surrounded by lawyers as he is hit in the face by a basketball that Kevin Garnett throws

2. Britney Spears driving with the Kool Aid Guy in her arms

1. Kool Aid Guy with look of horror as he discovers his blind date is Maureen Dowd

Monday, February 27, 2006

Willie Nelson's New Gay Cowboy Song

Willie Nelson just released a song celebrating the lifestyle of the gay cowboy. It has made quite a stir, but since it's only available on iTunes, not everyone knows the lyrics. It turns out it's only a remake of his classic tune, "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys:"

Mama Go Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gay Cowboys
Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
Let them play grabass while out on the range
Doing things normal men consider strange
Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
They'll never stay home and they'll toss out a bone
With some guy that they want to love

A cowboy loves boppin' his pal on a clear Brokeback morning
He'll do warm puppies and children and guys any night
Lone Star belt buckles and new assless chaps
And each night begins a new day
Now my legal counsel has told me to disclaim
That child molesters aren't necessarily gay

Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
Let 'em share a pup tent while tending the sheep
Boppin' each other when they're supposed to sleep
Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
They'll get drunk at the bar and make out in their car
With some guy that they want to love

Cowboys ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
And they'd rather get their salad tossed than find diamonds or gold
Them that don't know him won't like him and them that do
Sometimes will bend over to take him
He's not wrong he's just different and his pride paradin'
Makes him do things normal folks don't consider right

Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
Let them find strange guys to jump in their bed
Or let them be hairdressers or flight attendants instead
Mama go let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
They'll enjoy their pride parade and they'll go and get laid
With some guy that they want to love

Sunday, February 26, 2006

It's Outrageous, Egregious...Preposterous

I spent the last week on the golf course in sunny Florida. When I returned, I saw a lot of things I didn't like. First of all, Sisyphus blows the lid on the untold story of the decline of America's flushing power. What a disgrace!

Then, turning to the Kool Aid Report, I see that they took my absence as an opportunity to direct an unprovoked sneak attack against me. They have posted several Brokeback Mountain themed photoshop jobs in an attempt to discredit me. They suggest that I carried on an illicit relationship with Heath Ledger. This couldn't be further from the truth. I am not and have never been a homosexual and if I were, I would prefer the more gentle features of Jake Gyllenhaal to the more rugged Ledger.

What provoked the KAR to make this slanderous claim? That I removed them from the #1 position on my top 11 blog list. Some facts:
  • KAR has no inherent right to the #1 spot. The fact that they have held it in the past is to their credit.
  • KAR was moved to #2 on the list recently because of slippage in quality. I moved them to #2 out of fear that they were becoming HEINOs (hateful extremists in name only.)
  • Fraters Libertas achieved the #1 spot due to their own hard work, not related to any quid pro quo. The fact that I quaffed a bunch of Summit's at the Elder's casa yesterday has nothing to do with my moving their ranking. The addition of more JB Doubtless' salted earth type columns have vaulted the Fraters boys to #1.

Learned Foot has issued one demand: return KAR to the #1 spot. I have right on my side. All he can do is call me names and photoshop me into embarrassing photos. Yet I have the power in this showdown and I will act like the superpower that I am. Effective immediately, I will downgrade KAR to #3 on my top 11 blogs, pending developments.

Further, I am releasing a top 11 demands of KAR in order to achieve peace (and a return to their #1 ranking):

11. The attendance of Learned Foot and the Notorious B.I.L. at Keegans on a date to be determined for a literal Summit meeting.

10. Remove my photo from all current references to Brokeback Mountain.

9. A promise (verifiable by inspectors) not to engage in future Brokeback photoshopping. After all, what kind of person thinks Brokeback Mountain jokes are funny anyway?

8. Remove their blog header featuring Dick Cheney shooting the Kool Aid guy in the face. My four-year old saw it and screamed, "Daddy, that mean old man killed the juice box guy!" She is traumatized.

7. Significantly improve the quality of their podcasts.

6. Commitment from Learned Foot that he will do whatever it takes in the future to assist me in getting free custard from Culver's.

5. An admission from Learned Foot that hockey is a superior sport to basketball.

4. Strategic limits on Sisyphus open threads on the KAR. Specifically, Sisyphus must be limited to no more open threads than Chad the Elder receives. We need protectionism to keep the quality Sisyphus posts from being outsourced.

3. An admission from Learned Foot that the Packers suck and Brett Favre is overrated.

2. Learned Foot must nullify the Guinness I owe him from our ill-fated bet on the NFL playoffs.

1. Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Decline of the American Flush

While thumbing through the February issue of Plumbing Engineer magazine, I came across an article on Low-Consumption Water Closets by R. Bruce Martin (sadly, not available online, you really should subscribe).

I think we’ve all noticed that modern American toilets do not have the flush power we remember from when we were growing up, but I hadn’t realized the magnitude of the decline until I saw this chart accompanying the article:

In 1960, the average toilet used a robust 7.5 gallons per flush. By 2005 that figure had plunged to an anemic 1.0 gallons per flush. The article attributes much of the decline to improved technology, but performance has also declined, thanks to the heavy hand of government:

“EPAct92 [Federal Energy Efficiency Act] resulted in the most massive retooling ever experienced in the U.S. plumbing fixture industry. In one swoop, 70 years of gravity-flow technology was scrapped in favor of an unproven (1.6 gpf gravity flow) concept. As one might expect, the result of all this turmoil and change was that unsatisfactorily-performing toilets were sold into the U.S. market for several years.”

I’m not in favor of unnecessarily wasting water (actually wasting the energy required to treat the water as the amount of water on Earth is a constant) but I’m also in favor of indoor plumbing. Outhouses use zero gallons per flush – is that where big brother wants us to go?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Why Daddy is a Republican

To the best of our knowledge, no one has yet written a sequel to “Why Mommy Is A Democrat” (summarized for you here). But if there did exist a book “Why Daddy Is A Republican”, here would be the top 11 reasons:

11. Daddy is sick of mommy's liberal BS.

10. When Daddy goes on fishing trips with his buddies, the only thing theydo besides fish is drink

9. Because Mommy doesn't feel "fulfilled" just raising children and daycare is expensive

8. Daddy likes to shoot real guns, not just play guns like you have

7. Daddy wants to brutalize your criminals, lower your taxes and rule you like a King

6. The government withholds nearly half of daddy's paycheck for taxes.

5. Daddy deals with grown-ups all day, not simple little children.

4. Daddy likes oil and oil-based products

3. Daddy believes there is a supreme being higher than Orpah Winfrey

2. Daddy understands that free trade allows him good imported booze, cheap electronics and fast sports cars.

1. Daddy is a mean SOB

Top 11 Groups George W. Bush Wouldn't Allow To Run US Ports

George W. Bush is taking some heat for his support of a company from the United Arab Emirates' bid to take over the operations of several key US seaports. However, Bush won't let just anybody run our ports. He opposes takeover of seaports by the following groups:

11. Iranians
10. Al-Qaeda
9. The French
8. The Sith
7. Mongol Hordes
6. Hamas
5. S.P.E.C.T.R.E.
3. The Manson Family
1. MoveOn.org

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Top 11 Real Reasons Lawrence Summers Resigned As President of Harvard

11. He was too slow in starting a Gay Shepherd Studies Program

10. Harvard hasn’t won an NCAA Men’s Hockey title since 1989

9. Kept telling people he would rather be President of Cornell

8. Harvard had to get rid of President Summers before they could hire President Oprah

7. Hasn’t been able to recruit Michael Moore to the faculty

6. Didn’t display the arrogance expected of a Harvard President

5. Faculty didn’t like the way he handled a killer swamp rabbit attack

4. His previous job as Secretary of the Treasury sounded kind of capitalistic

3. He actually allowed Jesse Ventura to teach on campus

2. He sided with Paris Hilton in her feud with Mischa Barton

1. Harvard has had a men’s football team for years, but still has no women’s football team

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Why Mommy Is A Democrat

A new book has just been published called "Why Mommy Is a Democrat." According to the Lizz Winstead blurb, it's a "sweet, children's tale that reminds us why we are all Democrats."

As a service to the children of America who haven't read it yet, we remind them of the Top 11 Reasons Why Mommy Is a Democrat.

11. She only wants to take this "mommy" thing so far and would like abort all her future children

10. Mommy is tired of daddy and would like to marry another woman

9. Mommy considers Bush to be Hitler, because of that time his press conference interrupted Days of Our Lives

8. Mommy would give the White House Press Corps 24 hour advance notice before shooting Harry Whittington in the face

7. Mommy is a member of Oprah’s Book Club

6. Mommy is a public employee union representative

5. Daddy enjoyed Brokeback Mountain more than mommy did

4. Mommy used to be a Green until she helped give the election to George W. Bush

3. Mommy always wanted to be like Barbra Streisand

2. Mommy can't find a husband and considers the government to be daddy

1. Mommy is nice, Republicans are mean

Monday, February 20, 2006

Top 11 Annoying Things About Mass

11. Parents who bring cheerios for their bratty kids

10. Extra collections. You're lucky you got the first one. I'm sorry that there was a typhoon in Bora Bora but I can't fund every tragedy in the world

09. Parents who won't beat their bratty kids to get them to behave

08. People who give you that look when you want to sit in their row because they have to move their feet 6 inches

07. When cantors outstretch their arms in that "Everybody now" move

06. Hand holding for any reason at any time

05. Extra peace offerings like before mass. No! We're gonna shake at the appointed time and that's it

04. Greeters. Ahh! Get away from me!

03. Singing the Our Father. Worst melody ever

02. People who stand up before everyone else. Yes, good for you--you know the routine. Everyone is soo impressed.

01. Having to go

Nick Coleman's Top 11 Rules For Step Mothers

In Nick Coleman's latest column, he takes to task the latest Midwest heroes ad. His salient point is that one of the gold star parents (parents who lost a child in the war effort) who appears in the ad is really a step mother of the hero. Nick, using his usual leaps of logic, takes this unimportant factoid and extrapolates that the entire ad is a lie.

It is too easy for me to dismiss anything the bitter liberal crank Coleman says. After all, his columns are generally nothing more than partisan hackery. However, Coleman does happen to be an expert in the field of step mothers. His own step mother helped procure him his first professional newspaper job as well as a feature columnist job. He also married a woman who became step mother to his oldest children. Therefore, I present Nick Coleman's top 11 rules for Step Mothers:

11. Cannot actually raise a step child

10. Cannot be proud of step child's accomplishments (especially if child joins military)

9. Cannot use her step child's service in Iraq to justify her support for the war effort

8. Can use her step child's service in Iraq to justify her criticism of the war effort

7. Cannot use her name in a commercial honoring step child's sacrifice

6. Cannot grieve if step child is killed in a war that she and child both support

5. Can lure a father of six to abandon his family (also ok for father of three)

4. Can become pregnant with three children to replace the three that the father left when he abandoned his first family

3. Can defy the American Dental Association's rules for dental hygiene; who does she need to impress anyway

2. Can line up unqualified step child with no professional experience for a cushy job at her newspaper's sister paper

1. Can line up step child for a even cushier job at newspaper where she is editor

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Top 11 Accidents It Would Be An Honor To Be The Victim Of

One thing we’ve learned from the Dick Cheney hunting incident is that there are some accidents that it is almost an honor to be the victim of (assuming, unlike Harry Whittington, you don’t have health complications). Here are the top 11 (injury-free) accidents it would be an honor to be a victim of:

11. Burnt by an ash from Winston Churchill’s cigar

10. Doused with a martini spilled by Dean Martin

9. Collateral spittle from General Patton chewing out a goldbricker (assuming you are not that goldbricker)

8. In the line of sight of a Scarlett Johansson wardrobe malfunction

7. Machete injury while clearing brush with Ronald Reagan

6. Bumped into by a daydreaming Albert Einstein

5. Nudged on the freeway by Dale Earnhardt

4. Hit by debris from James Lileks’ garage door.

3. Crushed beneath Bill Gates’ wallet

2. Toes run over by FDR’s wheelchair

1. Step in rabbit droppings left by Carter’s killer swamp rabbit

Saturday, February 18, 2006

A Niggardly Gourmand Meets Discrimination In Maple Grove

This week your humble correspondent faced discrimination and it was ugly. Here is my story. On Friday, I agreed to meet a friend for lunch at Culver's in Maple Grove. While I will not name the principal here, he would not be unfamiliar to readers of this blog. I will call him L. As I waited for him, I spied a Valentine's day promotion hung on the wall. I am paraphrasing, but it read something like:

Bring your sweetheart to Culver's during Valentine's week. When you and your sweetheart each order a value meal, you will each receive a free scoop of Culver's famous custard.

The wheels in my mind turned. I knew L would refuse to claim to be homosexual in order to procure $0.99 worth of delicious Culver's custard. So I quickly devised a cunning plan. We would order our burger baskets and as L would leave to get a table, I would loiter, then mention to the server that he should add the free Custard. Then I would tell L that I had added two scoops of custard to my order and I would get them both!

We ordered and it all appeared to be going smoothly. L left to find a table and I said, "Excuse me! You forgot to add our two free custards."

The server looked askance. "It's a Valentine's special."

"That's right," I said, "We're sweethearts."

"You don't look like sweethearts," the server commented.

"Well we are. Haven't you seen Brokeback Mountain?" I replied.

"Haven't I seen you here with your wife and kids nearly every week? How do you explain that?" the server accused.

"Hey, Heath Ledger's character Ennis had a wife and kids. It didn't make him any less Jake Gyllenhall's sweetheart."

By this time the line behind me was getting restless. The server relented and asked what kind of custard I wanted.

"Two chocolate," I said, pleased with my victory.

I wolfed down both custards before eating my burger, just in case L got any ideas that one was meant for him. It was delicious. Then it dawned on me that I had suffered greatly from the hateful discrimination I had just endured. I shall overcome!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Top 11 Questions That Hugh Hewitt Will Ask Joe Sakic If He Interviews Him

Rumor has it that shock jock Hugh Hewitt is planning to interview Joe Sakic as part of his on-going campaign to prove that he actually knows who Joe Sakic is. We have obtained an exclusive copy of the list of questions that Hugh plans on asking Sakic and present the Top 11 here:

11. What do you do for a living?

10. Do you read the Los Angeles Times?

9. How does it feel to play for an organization with such a long standing tradition?

8. What was it like playing with a legend like John Elway?

7. Tell us how important it is in NHL hockey to get off to a good start in the first quarter.

6. Admit it, you have no idea where the puck is most of the time either, do you?

5. Have you seen those Mighty Ducks movies?

4. What's the deal with this whole "icing" thing anyway?

3. Is it called the Stanley Cup because it’s sponsored by Sears?

2. Does it really do anything to sweep the ice in front of the puck with those little brooms?

1. Can I have the title: “Superintendent of Joe Sakic’s Cup”?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Why Cheney's Hunting Accident Was Not Like Chappaquiddick

11. Cheney wasn't drunk (despite what Lawrence O'Donnell and his imaginary lawyer friends say)

10. Cheney didn't kill his victim

9. Whittington was armed and could have fought back if he felt it wasn't an accident

8. Cheney actually had to pay a fine

7. Cheney didn't go sailing on his boat later that day

6. Cheney got medical aid for Whittington

5. Cheney felt remorse

4. Cheney never forced Whittington to abort a love child in an alley with a coat hanger

3. Cheney accepted full responsibility for his actions

2. Cheney wasn't diddling Whittington

1. Years later, Cheney won't write a children's book about a dog named Birdshot

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Someone Has To Ask The Question

Was Jimmy Carter drunk when he delivered his eulogy for Coretta Scott King? I know of no other explanation for the fact that he didn’t turn himself over to the authorities for a breathalyzer after the funeral.

(I want full credit for being the first to raise this very important question.)
(NOTE: I'm not saying Carter was drunk, I'm just asking.)

Top 11 Things Harry Whittman Said After Being Shot By Dick Cheney

Since Harry Whittington seems to be improving again, and since he strikes me as a tough old bird that will require more than a chestful of birdshot to bring down, I declare it acceptable to resume the Dick Cheney hunting jokes. Here are the top 11 things Harry Whittington said after being shot by Dick Cheney:

11. “It's just a flesh wound.”

10. “'Tis but a scratch.”

9. “I've had worse.”

8. “Come on ya pansy”

7. “Okay, we'll call it a draw.”

6. “Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!”

5. “I was just joshing – I have no photos of you with Abramoff”

4. “Maybe if the quail were 6 feet 4 and 200 pounds, you could hit them too.”

3. “Who taught you how to hunt? John Kerry?”

2. “Is there anyway you could hold off reporting this, if only for 24 hours?”

1. “No, I said I wanted to be filled with BOURBON shots.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Top 11 Things I’m Looking For In My Next Trophy Wife

This being Valentine’s Day, my thoughts naturally turned to my ongoing search for my next trophy wife. Here are the top 11 things I look for in a trophy wife:

11. Her birthday must be on Valentine’s Day and she must agree to get married on Valentine’s Day so that I only have to remember one date.

10. Must be good looking

9. She should not have a problem with signing documents without reading them

8. Must never have taken a class in “Women’s Studies”

7. Must not be a lawyer or like consulting with lawyers

6. She must never have dated Donald Trump, Mick Jaeger, Kevin Federline, Nick Coleman, Sean Penn, or Dennis Rodman

5. She must never have appeared on a TV show with Nichole Ritchie

4. She must not have thick ankles

3. She should be more concerned with how much money a guy has than what he looks like

2. When people see us together, their first thought should be: “Wow, he must be mega-rich to have a chick that hot”

1. Must enjoy “Brokeback Mountain” jokes and Dick Cheney hunting jokes (or at least be able to laugh convincingly at them)

Monday, February 13, 2006

Top 11 Reasons for the 24 Hour Delay in Reporting Dick Cheney’s Hunting Accident

11. It took a while for The Wolf to arrange the cleanup

10. Thought Federal law mandating 24 hour cool down period for firearms was for AFTER they were fired.

9. Didn’t want to be distracted by a lot of questions until after the Men’s 20km biathalon

8. Cheney wanted to make sure he hadn't taken Whittington out of season.

7. Didn’t want the press to immediately declare the hunting trip a quagmire

6. Mistakenly thought that the Nihilist in Golf Pants wouldn’t be able to come up with a top 11 list on a Sunday

5. Wanted to arrange a couple more hunting trips before the word got out

4. Had a tough time tying Whittington to the hood to bring him into town

3. Ted Kennedy always saying that you should wait 24 hours before reporting an accident

2. Had to debrief the Halliburton board first

1. Needed time to falsify intelligence showing that Whittington had WMDs

Sunday, February 12, 2006

NIGP Readers Rep: Our Courageous Decision

Dressing up as a prairie dog and digging holes in Kevin Ecker’s lawn. Getting between Dementee and a heaping plate of sautéed moonbat. Riding in a snowmobile driven by a Hugh Hewitt or a car driven by Ted Kennedy. Hunting with Dick Cheney. All of these are actions that could have been performed by contributors to this blog; none of them were performed by contributors to this blog.

This leads to the question of the week in the blogosphere: Should we post certain offensive cartoons of a certain prophet that is leading certain people to riot? We at Nihilist in Golf Pants address issues such as this by asking ourselves this question: WWMDD? (What Would Mark Dayton Do?) The answer is clear: we will not post cartoons or anything else that might make people want to kill us.

We realize that this is not a fashionable position to take these days. We will no doubt be ridiculed by those in the blogosphere who enjoy doing the equivalent of falsely shouting fire in a crowded theater and causing a panic. We have the courage to stand up to the jeers and taunts of those who have no sensitivity to those who have different views on what warrants a killing than we do.

Many readers have pointed out that we have no scruples about attacking Garrison Keillor, Laura Billings, Jimmy Carter and the French. The fact of the matter is that none of those are going to try to saw our heads off (especially the last two). It is not that we are concerned with our own safety so much as that we are concerned for our readers. We cannot continue to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted if our heads are not firmly connected to our bodies.

I am proud to be the reader’s rep of a blog that has the moral courage to do what it takes to be there for its readers.

Top 11 Reasons Dick Cheney Shot Harry Whittington

11. Whittington bears a remarkable resemblance to a quail

10. Just to watch him die

9. Whittington had just filled his SUV and Cheney wanted the oil

8. Cheney tired of Jesse Ventura's taunts about him for never having hunted man

7. Cheney thought Wittington was a major league a-hole, big time

6. Iraq war bloodlust no longer satisfies the Vice President

5. Cheney missed his own foot in a failed attempt to avoid military service

4. Wittington was putting the moves on Lynne

3. Flight path of the bird shot somehow altered by global warming

2. Wittington suggested to Cheney that they make the hunting trip "Brokeback Mountan" style

1. Cheney was offended by a cartoon Whittington drew

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Are You Not Milking This?

Every era in popular music consists primarily of crap. If you look back on the Billboard Charts from 20, 40 or 50 years ago, you realize that for every great song that is still relevant today, there are a whole bunch that have fallen by the wayside and are seldom heard, with good reason. If you don't believe me, just check out the top 10 albums from as recently as this day in 1991. Vanilla Ice was #1, but my favorite was #4 The Simpsons Sing The Blues. Few people realize it, but Homer is a regular John Lee Hooker.

With a long history of awful music, it's hard to pick the most unlikely success story in pop music. However, I would have to vote for Devo. Their music took all the heart out of rock, eschewing back beat and vocal harmonies for a sterile synthesizer fueled feel. Further, they had a gimmicky back story. They claimed to support the theory of Devolution, or the idea that man was de-evolving back into apes. They dressed in haz-met suits and had robot style choreography.

In many ways, Devo ushered in the New Wave of overproduction and oversynthesized music that made the 1980's an awful period for popular music. Thankfully, they stopped recording and touring around 1990 (with the rare exception of a few reunion shows since then).

Until now that is. Corporate behemoth Disney has collaborated with the original members of Devo to create Devo 2.0, a pre-teen band that performs old Devo songs. Performs is a stretch. While the kids sing the old Devo standards, the old Devo band members provide musical backing.

Disney recently began advertising the new Devo 2.0 album on the many children's cable TV stations they control.

It's enough to make this curmudgeonly, laissez-faire capitalist commentator call for government intervention: won't someone please think of the children and stop this?

Friday, February 10, 2006

Top 1 DFL Plans for Improving Minnesota’s Tax Burden Ranking

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Minnesota had the fourth highest per capita tax burden in 2004. Here are the top 1 DFL plans for improving Minnesota’s ranking:

1. Convince Delaware, Vermont, Massachusetts, New Jersey, California, Michigan, New York, Wisconsin, Washington, Rhode Island, Maryland, Maine, New Mexico, Nebraska, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Alaska, Nevada, Arkansas, Illinois, North Carolina, Ohio, Kansas, North Dakota, Indiana, Virginia, Idaho, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, Montana, Iowa, Utah, Oregon, Arizona, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Alabama, New Hampshire, Colorado, South Dakota, and Texas to massively raise their taxes.

Top 11 Problems James Lileks Has Had With Workmen At Jasperwood

Living in a mansion is not easy. Especially when you are not terribly handy and need guys to come over to fix stuff. With that in mind, we have collected the Top 11 problems that Lileks has had with workmen at his Jasperwood estate.

11. Collateral damage to Hummel collection

10. Their stubborn refusal to remove their workboots and organize them in alphabetical order by brand name on the plastic mat in the North Pantry

09. They were not impressed by his threat to tell his "friend" Hugh Hewitt about their shoddy workmanship

08. Wanted them to don biohazard suits when working inside so he wouldn't get a cold

07. They didn't understand his direction to make proposed deck "More 1930's film noir"

06. New Mission-style Lunchables armoir for the kitchen was a supposed to be mahogany, not ovangol!

05. Smalltalk stalled when James referenced the "Minnesota North Stars" in a failed attempt at male bonding

04. Workmen were uncomfortable seeing a grown man do that much "Pledge"-ing

03. Angered him by laughing at his heavily damaged garage door

02. James was annoyed when they failed to get his reference about Mr. Atoz

01. Workmen scared to show up for fear of crime in his neighborhood

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Top 11 Things Likely to be Overheard on the Upcoming Prairie Home Companion Alaska Cruise

MN Speak reveals the existence of an Alaskan cruise with Garrison Keillor and “A Prairie Home Companion”. I was going to do a top 11 list of the vacations I would find less enticing, but I couldn’t come up with any. So instead here are the top 11 conversations likely to be overheard on the PHC cruise:

11. “Damn! I thought this was the Prairie Ho Companion cruise!”

10. “Wow, I thought ‘dying of boredom’ was just an expression; I didn’t think it could literally happen.”

9. “No, I didn’t just pass wind. I blame Bush.”

8. "Is the workshop on 'The Feminization of America: Faster Please!' taking place on the lido or the promenade deck?"

7. I was kind of hoping that the Powdermilk Biscuits bit would seem funnier if I heard it on a ship near a glacier.”

6. “This would be a good place for a bridge.”

5. "It's so nice to be in the company of people who care about nature and are curious about the world unlike the hairy backed swamp developers and nihilists in golf pants from the red states."

4. “Okay wise guy, prove that I DIDN’T bang Lindsay Lohan.”

3. "Seven and I cried every time. How many times have you seen 'Brokeback Mountain'?"

2. "You're working on a novel about growing up in a dysfunctional family in the Midwest? What a coincidence, so am I."

1. “Most people would consider it a compliment to be told that they have the tits of an angel.”

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Top 11 Pieces of Political Advice That Jimmy Carter Offered His Son

11. Instead of sinning in your heart, sin for real. It's much more pleasurable.

10. No one knows what "Inordinate" means.

9. A sh!t-eating grin is more effective than coherent policy statements.

8. Promise to raise taxes to pay for a better Nevada (actually advice passed on from Walter Mondale).

7. Don't quote your sister Amy's foreign policy advice in a debate.

6. Never use the word "malaise" in a major policy speech.

5. Remind the voters that even if you nearly destroy the country, you will make a great ex-Senator.

4. Plaid does not photograph well.

3. Stay away from rabbits.

2. Don't be surprised if you lose due to cheating by the Republicans. American elections don't have the legitimacy of those held in Venezuela or Zimbabwe.

1. Funerals are great forums for viciously attacking your opponents.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top 8 Events Democrats (Might) Consider too Solemn to Politicize

We now know that Democrats consider funerals to be an ideal venue for their lame partisan vitriol, but there may be some events that even they consider too solemn for such behavior:

8. The performance of a partial-birth abortion

7. The burning of a Danish embassy

6. The Gay Men's Chorus Float in the Pride Parade

5. Al Franken's radio show

4. The gay marriage of two long oppressed gay shepherds

3. The swearing in of a 15 year old boy as the Fire Chief of MPLS.

2. The eventual razing of First Avenue to build an Applebee's

1. The opening of a new light rail transit station

Top 11 Things Hugh Hewitt and Jack Bauer Have in Common

For the past few weeks, Hugh Hewitt has had in the upper left corner of his blog, a quote from Chad the Elder that compares Hugh to Jack Bauer. I thought the quote preposterous at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to come around to Chad’s viewpoint. Here are just the top 11 things Hugh Hewitt and Jack Bauer have in common:

11. When either wields a screwdriver, someone is likely to lose an eye

10. Jack tortures people who are about to release nerve gas; Hugh tortures tress that are about to release oxygen.

9. Both worked for Nixon or a Nixon-like President

8. Neither has ever displayed any knowledge of hockey or wine

7. Both can go 24 hours without using the bathroom

6. Both spend a lot of time talking on the phone to maniacs

5. Both can finish a marathon in less than 8 hours

4. Both work in a fortified bunker in Los Angeles

3. Not afraid to torture terrorists, traitors, or listeners

2. Both are addicted: Bauer to heroin, Hugh to Cheetos

1. All the men want to be them, all the women want to be with them

Monday, February 06, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Mike Holmgren Didn’t Shake Bill Cowher’s Hand After the Super Bowl

11. Was too busy using his hands to choke Matt Hassleback

10. He had it on good authority that Cowher has cooties

9. Wanted to get back to the hotel in time for “Grey’s Anatomy”

8. The McDonald’s drive thru closes at 10

7. You can’t tell it by looking at him, but Cowher has wicked-bad breath

6. Insulted that Cowher mistook him for a member of the Rolling Stones before the game

5. It’s awfully difficult to break the bad manners that one develops after years of living in Green Bay

4. Believed the post he saw on the Daily Kos claiming that Cowher convinced Bush/Cheney/Rove to get Halliburton to bribe the referees to throw the game to Pittsburgh to help Lynn Swan’s campaign for Governor of Pennsylvania

3. Didn’t want to get too close to Cowher after he drew that insulting cartoon of Muhammad

2. Saw Cowher ignore sign in the Ford Field restroom advising employees to wash hands before returning to work

1. Afraid that getting too close to Cowher would bring back memories from last year's NFL coaches retreat at that sheep ranch in Wyoming

Top 11 Reasons That The Rolling Stones Agreed To Perform At Super Bowl XL

11. The Stones are now near-destitute after a season of betting heavily on the Nihilist's football picks

10. They're saving up to buy Canada and just need a couple million dollars more

9. They've spent their whole lives being just behind Paul McCartney, why change?

8. Thought it was the perfect place to test Mick's new malfunction-proof wardrobe

7. Appreciated the irony of plan to only let under-40 folks into the dance area

6. Keith was recently the victim of a telemarketing scam

5. They hoped to boost sales for their single Sweet NeoCon

4. Contractually obligated to promote their new tour sponsor with the song Nutra Sweet NeoCon

3. Keith thought he was there to get some Super Blow

2. Have you looked at the price of Viagra lately?

1. Hoped to follow in the footsteps of Muddy Waters and have Scott Johnson describe their performance as "a glorious moment in the history of Western civilization."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Powerline Style Media Alert II

I (The Nihilist In Golf Pants) will be appearing on the The Patriot Insider from 9 am - 11 am Saturday, February 11 tomorrow at AM 1280 The Patriot. Mark Yost and Patrick Campion host. In the brief history of this show it has featured some nice debate between local liberal leaders and conservative thinkers. I will hope to continue this growing tradition by facing off with the ACLU's Chuck Samuelson, most likely during the 9 am segment.

Catch me while you can. The last time I appeared during that time slot, the show I appeared on disappeared from the Patriot's lineup within a month.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Before You Call Your Bookie

The Nihilist has released his Super Bowl pick, meaning that those who believe that he is about due to get one right are taking the points and putting $5 dollars on Seattle. Adherents to Learned Foot’s Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System™ (NABS) are hopping on a flight to Vegas and placing the deed to their house on Pittsburgh.

Over the entire football season, the Nihilist’s picks have returned a disappointing -31.1% while Learned Foot’s NABS™ returned a respectable 8.4%. Although past performance doesn’t guarantee future results, the choice seems clear. However, before calling your bookie, consider calling your broker instead – Halliburton returned 19.5% over the same period.

Modern Mythology As Told By The Nihilist

Mythology is the method that the ancients used in order to create an explanation for the truths of the world that they didn't understand. Here is a cute little Chinese story explaining how the tiger got his stripes.

Today however, with advances in science, we have explanations for most of the things that the ancients explained using their quaint mythological stories. Therefore, one would think that there is no need for mythology anymore. That assertion would be wrong. There are many things that cannot be known to man that could use mythological explanations. Some modern myths are true and others are merely urban legends. This web site explains which "urban myths" are factually based ans which are fictional.

We at NIGP are aware of many modern myths and plan to enlighten our audience on several of them. Today's myth provides a possible explanation for one of the most unique names in television today.

How Oprah Got Her Name
Once upon a time a little girl was born in Mississippi to two poor unmarried parents. They shipped her around to live with various relatives. As a pre-teen she was severely abused by an older relative's boyfriend. At that point, the previously normal girl completely quit speaking. She went years without uttering a word. Her grandmother, a Marx Brothers fan, nicknamed her Harpo, after the Marx Brother who never spoke in films. The nickname caught on and she became known as Harpo.

Several years later as a teenager, Harpo received the extensive counseling she needed and began speaking again, although sever weight issues continued to plague her. Eventually she spoke so much that her family decided she had become the opposite of the silent character upon which her nickname was based. Someone eventually turned her nickname backwards and Harpo became Oprah. She has been known as Oprah ever since, and grew up to become one of televisions most powerful forces. In memory of her old nickname, she named her television production company Harpo Productions. Today, nearly everyone in the America recognizes Oprah.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Top 11 Discussion Topics Between Lileks and Medved

Whilst Michael Medved was in town this week, he reportedly inhaled some of the rarified air of Tangletown and visited local blogging celebrity James Lileks. Here are the top 11 discussion topics during their meal of salad and light beers:

11. Made plans for building a treehouse for future meetings of the "No Hughs Club" with Dennis Prager

10. How wonderful it was that that their wives recently gave them both Backtrackers

09. Why cilantro is superior to dill weed

08. Which scent is more relaxing: Jasmine or Sandalwood?

07. I'm afraid I might be getting another head cold

06. How many old movies can we name that featured Mr. Atoz?

05. Who makes the best size 29 khakis

04. How much do you pay YOUR lawn guy?

03. Does the Aveda cucumber moisterizer seem greasy to you?

02. Healthy choice cookies are delicious, but I tend to eat more of them

01. Insensitive, insulting, and presumptuous people who refer to you as Jim or Mike when your name is actually James or Michael

Top 11 Mary Katherine Ham Insights

As found on Hugh's site, "Rising star of the blogosphere" Mary Katherine (the) Ham writes a piece saying how the internet is good, for... getting stuff you can't get elsewhere.

Who knew?

Top 11 Mary Katherine Ham Insights Soon To Appear On HH's Site:

11. The Beatles were a pretty good rock band

10. Dunking Oreos in milk makes them taste better

09. Gone With The Wind was a very entertaining motion picture

08. Wayne Gretzky may have been one of the best hockey players ever--I don't care what anybody says

07. CNN is biased to the left a bit

06. Democrats are so stupid

05. If you hit shift on your keyboard, you can type in capital letters

04. That email from the crown prince of Nigeria offering to transfer his fortune to you if you give him your checking account number might be a scam

03. Showers can be very refreshing

02. Puppies are cute

01. That Fred Barnes sure can talk

Top 11 Most Obsequious Things I Will Say To Bill Gates Should We Ever Meet

A few weeks ago, the Nihilist met John Hinderaker and shamelessly sucked up to him. Personally, I wouldn’t have debased myself before a mere blogger, no matter how successful. On the other hand, if I were to ever meet my hero and role model, Bill Gates …
Here are the top 11 most obsequious things I will say to Bill Gates should we ever meet:

11. Linux smacks of communism to me

10. When is Steve Jobs going to stop ripping you off?

9. In my opinion, you and Melinda shouldn’t have had to share the Person of the Year award with that Bono.

8. MS-DOS changed my life

7. Thanks for making it fashionable to be a computer geek

6. You sure showed that you don’t need Paul Allen

5. I would rather fly commercial than use a PlayStation 2

4. Do you ever squash people like a bug just because you can?

3. Warren Buffett isn’t fit to carry your coin purse

2. I would rank terrorism as the number one threat to our society, but software piracy is right up there

1. You have much better hair than Donald Trump

Are You Ready For My Super Bowl Prediction

After a dismal season in which I went 48-63-1, I am left with the Super Bowl. Surprisingly, the Steelers are favored by 3 1/2. This is entirely due to an impressive playoff run, as they were an AFC wild card team. Meanwhile, the Seahawks were the best team in the NFC. When a line comes like this it means there is some serious money expected on Pittsburgh.

No mind, I'll take the Seahawks and the points.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Top 11 Reasons I Didn’t Watch the State of the Union Address

11. Why bother when you can just read Captain Ed’s live blog

10. I knew Hugh Hewitt would replay most of it on his show the next day

9. Too many bad words

8. TNT was showing a Law & Order rerun at the same time

7. The arrest of Cindy Sheehan took all of the drama out of it

6. I like to keep informed, but come on, that speech takes like an hour

5. There hasn’t been a funny State of the Union Address since the Coolidge administration

4. I didn’t really believe the rumor that Joe Biden wrote the speech, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it

3. Couldn’t stand to see the pained look on Hillary’s face whenever McChimp Bushitler said something she found stupid and/or evil

2. I needed to devote my full attention to my game of Spider Solitaire

1. WWPHD? – What Would Paris Hilton Do?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Top 11 Words I Don't Ever Want To Hear In A State of the Union Speech Again

11. Fund

10. Resources

9. Providing

8. Add

7. Expand

6. Increase

5. Double

4. Legislate

3. Senate

2. Commission

1. Initiatives

Top 11 Things Cindy Sheehan Said When She Was Arrested

11. There's a "right" to remain silent? More Bushitler censorship!

10. Let me go and I'll tell you anything you want to know about Hugo Chavez

09. I hope they haven't freed Mumia yet, I'd love to meet him

08. I AM NOT a sir!

07. I demand to see my lawyer – John Hinderaker

06. I don't care what Jack Bauer does to me, I'm not spilling the location of the nerve gas!

05. There's a rule against banners during the state of the union? What is this, Mariucci Arena?

04. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

03. My arms are more powerful than your guns!

02. They haven't built the detention center that can hold me, copper.

01. I SOOOO do not look like Kathleen Soliah!