Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Top 11 Things I’m Looking For In My Next Trophy Wife

This being Valentine’s Day, my thoughts naturally turned to my ongoing search for my next trophy wife. Here are the top 11 things I look for in a trophy wife:

11. Her birthday must be on Valentine’s Day and she must agree to get married on Valentine’s Day so that I only have to remember one date.

10. Must be good looking

9. She should not have a problem with signing documents without reading them

8. Must never have taken a class in “Women’s Studies”

7. Must not be a lawyer or like consulting with lawyers

6. She must never have dated Donald Trump, Mick Jaeger, Kevin Federline, Nick Coleman, Sean Penn, or Dennis Rodman

5. She must never have appeared on a TV show with Nichole Ritchie

4. She must not have thick ankles

3. She should be more concerned with how much money a guy has than what he looks like

2. When people see us together, their first thought should be: “Wow, he must be mega-rich to have a chick that hot”

1. Must enjoy “Brokeback Mountain” jokes and Dick Cheney hunting jokes (or at least be able to laugh convincingly at them)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahahahaha!!!!! Nick Coleman!!!

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, pretty sure this post was intended to be funny . . . and then I realized that the joke is probably on me cuz I definitely meet the majority of those standards . . . .

7:33 AM  
Anonymous spurringirl said...

Ten out of eleven isn't too bad is it?

11. My birthday is not on V-day, but since I boycott Valentines day, let’s just get married on my b-day and call it good.

10. Check.

9. This one will be an issue.

8. Check.

7. Check (unless it’s a rich lawyer who wants to be my sugar daddy, then I might “consult” with him)

6. Check (but I would date Tim Pawlenty if he ever returns my call)

5. Check (but do get called Paris sometimes by my asshole co-workers)

4. Check (I like to call them chicken legs)



1. Check (however, I prefer Cheney penis jokes)

7:48 AM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Using the blog in a shameless attempt to pick up chicks, Sisyphus? Again?

8:11 AM  
Blogger pinkmonkeybird said...

This set of Top 11 sort of write themselves, don't they? I mean, how could any red-blooded man argue with any of these valid and necessary qualities?
I've been searching for such a babe for years now with no luck.
Almost settled on the one with thick ankles but changed my mind.

12:42 PM  

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