Sunday, February 26, 2006

It's Outrageous, Egregious...Preposterous

I spent the last week on the golf course in sunny Florida. When I returned, I saw a lot of things I didn't like. First of all, Sisyphus blows the lid on the untold story of the decline of America's flushing power. What a disgrace!

Then, turning to the Kool Aid Report, I see that they took my absence as an opportunity to direct an unprovoked sneak attack against me. They have posted several Brokeback Mountain themed photoshop jobs in an attempt to discredit me. They suggest that I carried on an illicit relationship with Heath Ledger. This couldn't be further from the truth. I am not and have never been a homosexual and if I were, I would prefer the more gentle features of Jake Gyllenhaal to the more rugged Ledger.

What provoked the KAR to make this slanderous claim? That I removed them from the #1 position on my top 11 blog list. Some facts:
  • KAR has no inherent right to the #1 spot. The fact that they have held it in the past is to their credit.
  • KAR was moved to #2 on the list recently because of slippage in quality. I moved them to #2 out of fear that they were becoming HEINOs (hateful extremists in name only.)
  • Fraters Libertas achieved the #1 spot due to their own hard work, not related to any quid pro quo. The fact that I quaffed a bunch of Summit's at the Elder's casa yesterday has nothing to do with my moving their ranking. The addition of more JB Doubtless' salted earth type columns have vaulted the Fraters boys to #1.

Learned Foot has issued one demand: return KAR to the #1 spot. I have right on my side. All he can do is call me names and photoshop me into embarrassing photos. Yet I have the power in this showdown and I will act like the superpower that I am. Effective immediately, I will downgrade KAR to #3 on my top 11 blogs, pending developments.

Further, I am releasing a top 11 demands of KAR in order to achieve peace (and a return to their #1 ranking):

11. The attendance of Learned Foot and the Notorious B.I.L. at Keegans on a date to be determined for a literal Summit meeting.

10. Remove my photo from all current references to Brokeback Mountain.

9. A promise (verifiable by inspectors) not to engage in future Brokeback photoshopping. After all, what kind of person thinks Brokeback Mountain jokes are funny anyway?

8. Remove their blog header featuring Dick Cheney shooting the Kool Aid guy in the face. My four-year old saw it and screamed, "Daddy, that mean old man killed the juice box guy!" She is traumatized.

7. Significantly improve the quality of their podcasts.

6. Commitment from Learned Foot that he will do whatever it takes in the future to assist me in getting free custard from Culver's.

5. An admission from Learned Foot that hockey is a superior sport to basketball.

4. Strategic limits on Sisyphus open threads on the KAR. Specifically, Sisyphus must be limited to no more open threads than Chad the Elder receives. We need protectionism to keep the quality Sisyphus posts from being outsourced.

3. An admission from Learned Foot that the Packers suck and Brett Favre is overrated.

2. Learned Foot must nullify the Guinness I owe him from our ill-fated bet on the NFL playoffs.

1. Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

[George at Newman's apartment]

NEWMAN: You certainly are in a bind.

GEORGE: Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we could help each other out.

NEWMAN: Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives.

GEORGE: Are you going to help me or not?

NEWMAN: All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in return.


NEWMAN: Well for starters I want a calzone of my own.....

GEORGE: All right.

NEWMAN: And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canoli.

GEORGE: That's a little steep don't you think?

NEWMAN: You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry.

GEORGE: All right, all right.

NEWMAN: Do we have a deal?

GEORGE: But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his meals.

NEWMAN: I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Norwegianity said...

Extending (briefly) the hand of peace (while being fully prepared to quickly it pull it back before losing any fingers), might I recommend you steer clear of the frozen custard?

The Wege was introduced to this treat in the late '80s by a friend (now dead some ten years — yep, clogged arteries). Within a week of discovering frozen custard I had my first experience with "numb fingertips." Please note that it was July and I'm not talking frostbite.

On the other hand, maybe it's time for Norwegianity to sponsor an "All you can eat" free custard fest for all the MOB members...

9:10 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Can you gay-ron-tee you've never met Heath Ledger?

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Night Writer said...

Good grief, man, don't provoke them! Sure you may have freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and the rest of the Bill of Rights on your side, but do you really want to be responsible for the resulting violence? Do you? Let the Wookie win, for crying out loud!

Signed (bravely),

2:44 PM  
Blogger hammerswing75 said...


Be careful. We'll stuff ourselves with custard on your dime and live to tell the tale.

6:46 PM  

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