Monday, February 20, 2006

Top 11 Annoying Things About Mass

11. Parents who bring cheerios for their bratty kids

10. Extra collections. You're lucky you got the first one. I'm sorry that there was a typhoon in Bora Bora but I can't fund every tragedy in the world

09. Parents who won't beat their bratty kids to get them to behave

08. People who give you that look when you want to sit in their row because they have to move their feet 6 inches

07. When cantors outstretch their arms in that "Everybody now" move

06. Hand holding for any reason at any time

05. Extra peace offerings like before mass. No! We're gonna shake at the appointed time and that's it

04. Greeters. Ahh! Get away from me!

03. Singing the Our Father. Worst melody ever

02. People who stand up before everyone else. Yes, good for you--you know the routine. Everyone is soo impressed.

01. Having to go


Blogger Nicko McDave said...

Here's an inspiring example for you:

A few years back, my friend Steve told me of a strange altercation he had during a mass. (I knew this guy well enough to realize that all of the strangeness would turn out to be generated on his end.) He was walking the aisle during collection, when he extended the plate towards a man sitting with arms folded. The man didn't respond, so Steve kept moving the plate in front of him. "GET THAT THING OUT OF MY FACE!" growled his fellow parishioner. So Steve moved on.

He just couldn't leave well enough alone. After mass, outside of the church, he strolled over to the man and asked, "Excuse me, sir, but was there something you wanted to say to me back there?" The man brusquely replied that he gave one large donation each month and didn't need to drop money in the plate every week. Not that it was any of Steve's business in the first place...

Steve wouldn't last ten minutes in a church with JB Doubtless, I'm afraid. Poor guy.

12:35 PM  
Blogger The Zwicker said...

As an Orthodox Jew who attends synagogue every day, I had to laugh at how similar many of your top eleven were to our services.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

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4:56 PM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

12. The Responsorial Psalms. That's four minutes every week that we're not getting back. A good time to catch up on the church bulletin.

13. People who refuse to take their kids into the cry room or refuse to leave when they're acting up. I know that little Johnny never does this at home and if you just give him another minute he'll be fine and that Jesus said to bring the children unto me, but is it really asking that much to either cork 'em up or move 'em out? Especially during the homily, where I'm hoping to find a pearl or two of wisdom to help keep my soul from burning in eternal damnation? Throw me a bone here people.

14. People who insist on reciting the communal prayers a beat ahead of everyone else. Again, we're oh so impressed that you know the routine, but can you just stay in time with the rest of us?

4:58 PM  
Blogger hammerswing75 said...

Point 14 well taken, but have you ever noticed how people pause at weird moments? It has nothing to do with the sentence structure. It's more like, "we've said eleven words and must now pause". Maybe that's just a Lutheran thing.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Tom said...

I didn't go to church, other than Christmas and Easter for about ten years after high school even though I went to a Catholic university (well Jesuit, anyway). I was filled with the "they're all hypocrites" and "they're all filled with the Holy Spirit in church, but wait til they hit the parking lot" that passes as deep thought for a twenty something. (I also drank a lot back then and didn't get up until 1-2 PM - that was the hungover thinking for not going.) Then I moved to a part of town that had a very old church (100 years or so). Instead of the theatre in the round style suburban churches I went to when I was growing up, this was old school - 40 pews, one wide aisle up the middle and two narrow aisles on the sides. I started sitting all the way up front in the first three or four rows. In a short while I found that I wasn't distracted by others and became much more involved in the Mass itself. Today, when my wife and I go to Mass together - a rarity because we generally go at different times due to Church commitments each of us and/or our children have - she'll remark to me about how someone was dressed or how some kid acted. My answer in general is that I hadn't noticed as I was busy - praying. PS - Chad: Don't knock the Cheerios in a bag until you've tried it. Although we went seperately when the kids were younger so they wouldn't disrupt the, er, deep thoughts of someone like your brother - there were times when we had to bring the kids along. A kid with a mouthful of oats is a quiet kid.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

I think you forgot "fast pray-ers". Not prayers, but pray-ers. You know the type, those people who for some unknown reason have to say the prayer a good five seconds faster than everyone else. They also tend to have the loudest voices.

9:22 AM  
Blogger katie mc said...

That usher who insists on making a huuuuge show of glug-glug-glugging whatever floaty-filled-wine is leftover. I know you have to do it, but do you really have to lick the chalis like that and enjoy it so much?

Story: A friend of mine's dad fell asleep and missed his cue, woke up and started poking people with the collection-basket-on-a-stick AT THE WRONG TIME.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Chunk said...

Two weekends in a row I've caught myself in the office either missing mass or noticing I'm going to be conspicuously late. My reaction, both times, an involuntary, "Shit! Damn it!" as I looked at my watch and realized the time.

Had the priest been standing there he wouldn't have said a thing ... just pointed the way to the confessional (were there one in our office -- I guess there should be).

Working 7 days a week, 12+ hours a day, in a war zone -- I guess that's what it takes for optimal appreciation of mass!

The fact we don't take up collection is just trimming.

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Tim said...

When one of my friends was serving as altarboy he'd always smack me under the chin with the communion plate.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Socal Bill said...

Remember once as an altar boy I was serving Mass with another kid in my class who just happened to be the class clown. Just as we started to walk out onto the altar to start Mass the Priest let go with one good fart! I mean to us that was like God farting! Needless to say, I have never prayed harder during a Mass not to laugh. But the class clown tried. Somehow I made it through, but about died just after.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Laura(southernxyl) said...

How about - Hearing one of the ministers quote Jimmy Carter, earnestly describing him as "one of our greatest Presidents".

But that wasn't at mass; we're not Catholic.

I do remember going to mass on Friday mornings occasionally when my daughter was in parochial school. Even the pre-K kids were well-behaved because there is so much to look at in that sanctuary. Statues and all kinds of things. The ceiling has very large pictures of the symbols of the four Apostles. (I guess that's what they are.) Once a toddler looked at whichever one is pictured as a ram and said "Moo" quietly to himself.

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"That's four minutes every week that we're not getting back."

That's my number one!

Why do we have to sing every prayer now?

8:44 AM  
Blogger Joseph said...

I like best the comments re the psalms. So true.

You could do a great service for us all if you would actually go to a Council meeting and say exactly what you feel.

Liturgists are an over-educated bunch with a small job description. You know what happens then… an ever increasing mandate pushing the envelope to absurdity… little kingdoms and queendoms. They become real “church people” that most folks try to avoid.

Liturgists that are making people unhappy will change. But it will not be easy! If there is enough noisy rebellion, they will be fired, which is the last thing they want. They actually fantasize that they are weekly creating heaven on earth for you poor unwashed.

If you voice your opinion, they will shut you up based on your lack of liturgical “training”.

If you bring it up again, bring a friend along, because they will accuse you of being a fringe nut, and cite many rules and procedures that the liturgically untrained, such as you, are unaware of. Ignore this, since most rules they are following are really suggestions which the liturgists selectively miss-read, while ignoring the real intent of the instructions they should be following.

I am an organist who agrees with you completely. The instructions liturgists should be following would make the liturgy a thing of respect and devotion. Unfortunately, liturgists have become their own deaf and feminized clique.

Vatican II gives you the voice to raise in correcting these irritating things that you plainly see.

Now I know this is more discomfort and effort than folks in the pew ever think of putting forth. But if you have the guts and the vigor, they may name a stained glass window after you. If nothing else, make it your Lenten duty.

If you decide to pursue the corrections you are entitled to, contact me. I’ll give you the “rules and regulations” that will give you at least a fighting chance.

3:38 PM  

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