Friday, June 30, 2006

The Ukraine Is Weak

I don't care that much about the World Cup, I just wanted to post that header. Actually, I am developing a World Cup theory. Soccer proficiency is inversely proportional to a country's military strength. Therefore, the country with the worse army is likely to win the soccer match.

Witness world cup victories by France, Brazil and Argentina recently as a test of this theory. With England, Portugal, Brazil and France in the quarterfinals and Italy and Germany in the semis, the race is wide open. Only England appears to have no chance under my system.

Drink Endangerment

JB Doubtless has finally crossed the line. No right thinking person could possibly defend his mixing a drink while holding his son in one hand. For God’s sake, set the kid down for two minutes and concentrate on mixing the drink. The kid will survive just fine with two minutes less father-son bonding time. If he must participate in the process, put him in one of those jumpy things with the shaker.

Notice that first JB’s right hand is over the diaper and then the left. Perhaps the real reason chicks dig “JB’s Dame Drink” is not the frou-frou ingredients, but the slight insouciance of diaper which appeals to their maternal instincts.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Top 11 Subjects For The Nihilist When He Hosts The Patriot Insider This Saturday From 9am-11am

11. His greatest fantasy football team ever

10. How to get your own radio show with zero experience or training in broadcasting

9. Two-for-one dining: only saps pay for each entrée

8. The merits of abandoning team loyalty for money

7. His wife's grocery list for the week

6. How to use your radio show to personally enrich yourself

5. Tipping: The hidden tax that you don't have to pay

4. Why City Pages is the best publication in the Twin Cities

3. Hole by hole recap of his last four golf outings

2. Rousing discussion of maximizing short-term shareholder value through accounting techniques with very special guest Ken Lay (live from Leevenworth)

1. Have you ever notice how much Ruthie from the Real World Hawaii looks like Tiger Woods?

Judge for yourself:

Monday, June 26, 2006

Top 11 Aaron Spelling Productions (A Serious and Scholarly List)

One of the pioneering geniuses of television, producer Aaron Spelling, has passed away. Although he didn’t produce the greatest series in television history (The O.C.) it is hard to imagine it without his pioneering efforts. Scholars (okay, one scholar, me) have described “The O. C.” as taking the adults from Melrose Place, giving them more money and making them the parents of the kids in Beverly Hills 90210.

But 90210 and Melrose Place are far from Spellings only contributions to television history. Here are his top 11 best and most influential shows:

11. Hart to Hart – Finally a show about rich people solving crimes instead of committing them.

10. T.J. Hooker – Proved that William Shatner can play more than just a starship captain.

9. Dynasty – An inferior imitation of Dallas, but it did pioneer the poolside party cat-fight that was later to become a staple on “The O.C”.

8. Vega$ – Once again Spelling shows how far ahead of his time he was by setting a show in Las Vegas in 1978. Also pioneered the use of the dollar sign in place of the “s” in Vegas.

7. Fantasy Island – The precursor to all of those angel, ghost, and witch shows now on the air.

6. Love Boat – Run the love boat into an iceberg and you have a 600 million dollar movie.

5. Starsky and Hutch – Contributed Huggy Bear, the good criminal who informs on the really bad criminals.

4. Models Inc. – A surprisingly short run spin-off of Melrose Place centering on a modeling agency and its models. May have been too far ahead of its time. Don’t be surprised to see a future hit based on the same premise.

3. Beverly Hills 90210 – The quintessential teen-oriented soap. Stop whining about how Spelling used the show as a vehicle for thrusting his daughter onto the American public. That’s a small price to pay for all that Aaron has done for us.

2. Charlie’s Angels – If you’re going to have detectives, why not make them hot chicks? Brilliant!

1. Melrose Place – Second only to “The O.C.” in overall greatness.

A Very Special Message From A Bunch of Twisted Bastards

Last week, a bunch of guilty rich people took out an ad in the StarTribune decrying the fact that they don't pay enough taxes. Of course by they, they meant you, me and any productive citizen of Minnesota. The group sponsoring this ad was called Growth and Justice. That may be their aim, but I see a contradiction. Where is the justice in reaching into someone's wallet and taking their money? How does this promote growth?

Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe if they had a catchy theme song I would understand how the government robbing citizens of our hard earned cash would be a morally correct path to prosperity. Perhaps they could come up with an anthem, one that has a refrain so catchy that it makes you shout it out.

Fortunately, there is a web site that can help; is a web site that turns the classic Twisted Sister song into your very own protest song. All you have to do is rewrite the words, call the phone number, and sing the song karaoke style. When finished, you can e-mail this song to Canadian politicians that you want to hear it.

Since I am a uniter, not a divider, I will help our friends at Growth and Justice by providing potential lyrics (note that the word ask should be pronounced in its urban vernacular):

We Are Gonna Take It
We are gonna take it
Don't care how you make it
We will take your money, and want more

We want the power to tax you
How dare you make us ask you?
In Minnesota freedom's wrong

We're rich and claim to be just
Help us find public TV 'cause
You'd waste your money, and that's wrong

Oh we are gonna take it
Don't care how you make it
We will take your money, and want more

We might act condescending
But needs are never ending
We will be funding everything from you

The free market, we hate it
Your money, we'll confiscate it
And start gubmint programs anew

Healthcare, for free; you pay, for me!

We are gonna take it
Don't care how you make it
We will take your money, and want more

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Stuck In The Middle With You

Poor Joe Lieberman. He has followed his conscience and been his own man and what does he have to show for it? A severe test from some nutball isolationist liberal in his primary.

Wouldn't he prefer the fortunes of John McCain? Every time McCain tweaks Republican leadership he is rewarded with kudos from the media for being his independent thinking. I guess the media might hold a slight double standard.

Here is a compare and contrast of the two moderate Senators in top 11 format:

11. Both men support the Iraq war effort but have questioned the Bush administration execution

10. Lieberman was the VP nominee of his party in 2000

9. McCain was soundly defeated for the Presidential nomination of his party in 2000

8. Both were in the "Gang of 14" Senators that prevented a Senate confrontation on the use of filibuster related to judicial nominees

7. The mainstream media often uses the positive term "Maverick" for John McCain

6. McCain was rumored to be considered running mate for 2004 Democrat nominee John Kerry

5. Lieberman is accused of being a Democrat In Name Only, and sounding like a Republican

4. Lieberman looks and sounds like the Dad from Alf

3. McCain looks and sounds like Statler from The Muppet Show, or is it Waldorf?

2. McCain spent over five years in a North Vietnamese prison camp where he was forcibly tortured, receiving severe beatings.

1. Lieberman spent a year campaigning with Al Gore, where he was forced to listen to lengthy Gore speeches.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

White Ain't Right

On Easter and Mother's Day I lamented the fact that not even Rondell White's mother could love him as a Minnesota Twin. At that time he was sporting a batting average well below the Mendoza line (.200, or the lowest level allowable for someone collecting a major league check to non-baseball fans).

Finally, on May 28, manager Ron Gardenhier began the habit of benching White in favor of Jason Kubel, as I suggested. Since May 28, White has only appeared in 10 games and has a mere 25 at-bats (resulting in three whole hits, two whole RBIs and no home runs). His average has plateaued at .182, not statistically any different from where it was on Mother's Day. He still has not hit a home run. Meanwhile, Kubel has prospered. His average since May 28 is a robust .329 with 17 RBI and 6 home runs. Also remember that Kubel makes a fraction of White's salary, as in 1/8.

But how has the team done since Gardy made the switch? How does 13-2 over the last fifteen games grab you? Over that time period, he made other changes like cutting dead weight Tony Batista and trading weak-hitting Luis Castro. Remember that by any measure of success both were better this year than White. Sure, the pitching has been better recently. However replacing a multi-million dollar piece of garbage with a hungry young spark plug cannot be underrated.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Top 11 Reasons That Sisyphus Is Heartbroken

11. Global warming is not proceeding rapidly enough to allow him to wear shorts and Hawaiian shirts all winter

10. Dan Rather's retirement

9. Team USA knocked out of World Cup

8. Mitch didn’t invite him to guest blog at Shot In the Dark during his vacation

7. Learned that Tera Patrick is married to Evan Seinfeld

6. The OC is in reruns

5. The Nihilist killed his post exposing the forged two-for-one dining card scam the Nihilist runs

4. Has prior commitment on day of gay pride parade and won't get chance to catch RT Rybak leaping off float

3. Gets down every time he hears Hendrix song, "The Wind Cries Mary"

2. Learned that the rumors of The Nihilist's unfortunate demise in a freak golfing accident were unfounded

1. M-Kat taking week off from blogging

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Top 11 Annoying TV Child Stars/DFL US Congressional Hopefuls

For those outside the state of Minnesota, we don't have a Democratic Party here. More than half a century ago, Hubert Humphrey merged the Democratic Party with a communist party that had had considerable electoral success in Minnesota called the Farmer-Labor Party. (Learn about the Farmer-Labor Party from the Marxist internet archive). Since then, the merged party has been known as the DFL.

Anyway, the DFL is running 5 endorsed candidates who hope to become first term congresswomen (or men in two cases) representing Minnesota this year. The amazing thing is the similarity between the candidates and the annoying kids.

11. Frank Bank - Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford - Leave It To Beaver

10. Tim Walz - 1st District

9. Dawn Lyn - Dodie Douglas - My Three Sons

8. Colleen Rowley- 2nd District

7. Mindy Cohn - Natalie Green - The Facts of Life

6. Wendy Wilde - 3rd District

5. Jaleel White - Steven Urkel - Family Matters

4. Keith Ellison - 5th District

3. Gary Coleman - Arnold Jackson- Diff'rent Strokes

2. Tina Yothers - Jennifer Keaton - Family Ties

1. Patty Wetterling - 6th District

Top 11 New Nicknames For The University Of North Dakota Fighting Sioux

King Banaian notes that Nick Coleman has come out with a column calling on the North Dakota Fighting Sioux to change their nickname. I don’t normally agree with Nick, but UND is a hated rival of my Gopher hockey team and as a rule I favor anything that inconveniences them. Thus, I demand that they change their nickname to one of these:

11. Brokenbacks

10. Casino Magnates

9. Hairy-Backed Swamp Developers

8. Bobbyknights

7. Hacking Divers

6. Fighting Nazis (Hey, if naming your team after a group is offensive to that group, who better to offend than the Nazis?)

5. Impotent Bureaucrats Who Exercise Their Petty Power In Such A Way As To Create The Self-Delusion That They Are Actually Doing Something To Benefit Society

4. Gopher Rejects

3. Gopher Biotches

2. Nikes

1. Seminoles

Memo To Angelina Jolie: Not All African Nations Are The Same

Angelina Jolie has revealed that one of the reasons she chose to give birth in Namibia, is that she wanted to take the daughter she adopted from Ethiopia back to Africa. This would be an admirable thought except for one thing: NAMIBIA IS NOTHING LIKE ETHIOPIA. Ethiopia is a mountainous plateau with lakes and rivers. Namibia is a desert. This makes about as much sense as adopting a kid from Nova Scotia and taking her to Mexico because you want to take her back to North America.

The American educational system is clearly failing our future celebrities.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Drag Him From His Home Kicking And Screeching

In a just world, anyone over the age of 35 would hate Jimmy Carter with the white hot passion of 1000 suns. Whether it was the Iran Hostage Crisis, stagflation, the 55 MPH speed limit or any of his other failures, everyone should remember Carter for his incredible incompetence that made America a grim place in the late 1970's.

But what of those under 35? They were at most ten years old when Carter left office. What American symbolizes annoying ineptitude to them the way smiling goofball Carter does to us elder citizens? I would suggest that actor Dustin Diamond fits the bill.

Diamond is better known as Screech, the nerd from the inane Saturday morning TV show "Saved By The Bell." His acting credits include a regular appearance in the following series:

Good Morning, Miss Bliss... aka Saved by the Bell: The Junior High Years
Saved By The Bell
Saved by the Bell: The New Class
Saved by the Bell: The College Years

But these aren't Dustin Diamonds only credits. He's also appeared in two made for TV movies:

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style
Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas

From 1987 to 1994 this doufus made a living by playing Screech. Mercifully, his television career ended and he moved to Milwaukee, never to be heard from again, until now that is.

It seems that Screech has as much financial acumen as he has acting talent. He has decided to launch a career as a stand-up comedian and the results are not surprising. He's been so successful that the bank has begun foreclosure proceedings on his house. From his web site:

My shitty credit meant that getting a loan for a house would be tough. I began looking and finally purchased one on a land contract. I was thrilled! Now I call Wisconsin my home.
During the past years the land around me has developed for the better and my property value went way up. Now that the house is worth a lot more they want it back. Knowing my credit is bad, getting a straight mortgage would take some time. I received a letter stating that I had 30 days to pay $250,000.00 or get out. I was not thrilled.

Screech then goes into a long harangue against some mortgage broker who supposedly was supposed to save his house but left him high and dry. What would he do now?

Perhaps he would follow the advice of his comrade Jimmy Carter and "stop crying and start sweating." No, instead he has made a crappy tee shirt that you can buy for $15 (a $20 version is also available with an additional message that includes an f-word slur against the mortgage broker).

If you are a business owner you can help out by buying an ad on his web site. Each ad is represented by a brick in this diagram. Hurry! Two have been sold already. Actually, one is an ad for his tee shirt, so it looks like only Discount Office Supplies has stepped up.

If you are a celebrity, you can record an audio message supporting Screech. Again, we've got one taker so far, the almost equally faded celebrity Jeff Foxworthy. You would think Zach or Slater would at least record a message for him.

Let's all hope Screech doesn't hear how Minneapolis has generous public assistance programs for the indigent or he might move a few hundred miles west to rekindle his stand-up comedy career.

Keep Hockey Out Of China

According to this story at, three deaths in China have been attributed to over-excitement during World Cup soccer games. If hockey were to ever become popular in China that would extrapolate to 1.7 million over-excitement deaths.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Top 11 Explanations For That Video Of Connie Chung Attempting to Sing

Our good friend JPod at the Corner points us to this inexplicable video from the last episode of MSNBC’s Maury and Connie show where Connie Chung attempts to perform a variation of “Thanks for the Memories”. Here are our top11 attempts to explain the inexplicable:

11. Was tired of doing TV and didn’t want anyone to try to lure her out of retirement

10. Was jealous of the attention Shatner and Nimoy were getting

9. Wants to be the next American Idol

8. Maury has been embarrassing her for years and it was time for some payback

7. Watched “The Fabulous Baker Boys” the night before

6. Gave all of her medication to Howard Dean because she felt he needed it more

5. Wanted to see if she could get Bob Hope to roll over in his grave

4. Everyone assured her that she sounded great in rehearsal

3. Heard that the Dixie Chicks were looking for a new singer

2. Since she was on MSNBC, she didn’t think anyone would be watching anyway

1. Some people will do anything for a Corner link

Monday, June 19, 2006

Top 11 Clichés That You'll Hear During Tonight's NBC Telecast of Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals

11. In this situation, you can't afford to take a dumb penalty

10. Games like this are where legends are born

9. This is why they play the game

8. You hate to see the referees determine the outcome

7. It's all about who wants it more

6. Growing up playing shinny on the ponds of ______(insert Canadian province) this is the moment he dreamed about

5. At this point, the bumps and bruises don't matter anymore

4. The referees have put away their whistles

3. Every faceoff is critical

2. The next goal will be crucial (bonus points if uttered with less than five minutes remaining in the 3rd period of a tied game)

1. It's a shame that one of these teams has to lose (especially if it goes into overtime)

Top 11 Highlights Of The House Democrats' Plan: “A New Direction For America”

11. America will officially become a tri-lingual country: English, Spanish, and French

10. In order to keep voters from being disenfranchised, election results will be certified by

9. An escalator will be built over the Mexican border fence

8. To reduce global warming by .0000017%, only liberal politicians and celebrities will be allowed to drive SUVs

7. A woman's right to choose will be extended to 3 months after birth (heretofore known as first post-utero trimester)

6. Under no circumstances may Congressional ice boxes be searched

5. Subsidized sand will be provided to allow all Americans to bury their heads and pretend that we're not at war

4. A Constitutional Amendment will make it a felony to question the patriotism of any Member of Congress

3. A resolution will authorize the use of force against the Capitol Police

2. Education will be fully funded and military spending will be restricted to the amount of money that can be raised at a bake sale

1. The rich will be taxed to give you free stuff!

Sunday, June 18, 2006


At some point this summer, I will take a vacation. Certain local bloggers have adopted a practice of inviting a guest blogger to post while they take theirs. This makes me wonder who I should get to post here when I take my vacation. Here are the top 11:

11. Learned Foot - nah, it's been done

10. Atomizer - he can't even post to his own blog

9. Swiftee - see above

8. Scott Johnson - NIGP is notoriously light on posts about Muddy Waters saving civilization

7. AAA - What's one more blog to the guy who has half a dozen

6. Commenter Michelle Joy - on second thought, Mark Yost tried having a substitute liberal on The Patriot Insider and it didn't work too well

5. Which reminds me, I could ask Mark Yost

4. Margaret Martin -too much gardening news?

3. Sisyphus could do extra, under the name Jerktown Romeo

2. The ideal guest blogger is the lovely and talented Mary Katharine Ham, who appears to be looking to make a positive change

1. Of course, I would probably just get over myself and go on vacation without hiring a guest blogger

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Goin' Down To Yasgur's (Spiritual) Farm

As someone born after Vatican II, I have never been to a Latin Mass. However, as a Roman Catholic, I can appreciate the American Bishops attempt to create a mass that more closely matches the Latin translation.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops voted 173-29 at its biannual meeting Thursday for a new translation after a debate over several small changes in wording. Bishops had long been divided over the English version, both because of the timing of the change and the phrasing of some passages, but in the end the translation got more than the 168 votes it needed to move forward. The vote on the Order of the Mass was aimed at satisfying Vatican calls for a translation that's closer to the Latin version.

Despite the landslide vote, some bishops think this is a big mistake (emphasis mine).

Before the meeting, the Rev. Thomas Reese, a senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University and a Jesuit priest, said the new Mass would "cause chaos and real problems and the people who are going to be at the brunt end of it are the poor priests in the parishes."

I knew that Georgetown was a liberal institution, but a Woodstock Theological Center? Perhaps Rev. Moonbeam might take a break from his hooka to consider that anything that makes the experience of mass more consistent between all Roman Catholics, regardless of their language would be . . . groovy.

Now, if the rest of the non-hippie freak bishops might consider intervening in my parish to prevent travesties like the song Awesome God, sung at our 5 pm evening mass today. It contains this line, in reference to our Almighty:

When He rolls up his sleeves He ain't just putting on the ritz.

I brought the program from mass home tonight so I have evidence to this inanity. Later, in a song where the words weren't listed I thought I caught a reference to "singing like the Black Eyed Peas."

Every day I pray for an end to the guitar mass.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Call Mué

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Top 11 Shocking Revelations From Tonight's "Exclusive" Matt Lauer Interview With Britney Spears

11. She will follow the celebrity trend and give birth to the next kid in an impoverished, Third World place: Kentwood, Louisiana

10. You can get a great deal on cartons of Salem Lights at Wal-Mart

9. Those "Whoops I Did It Again" jokes are starting, just starting, to get a little old

8. K-Fed is not real good at Trivial Pursuit

7. Those car seats instructions are so complicated

6. Babies are cute and tiny

5. It's a lot more fun eating every day at the Waffle House buffet than it is dieting and exercising

4. Madonna's breath smells like bacon

3. K-Fed's breath smells like vodka, cigarettes, and Cool Ranch Doritos

2. Yes, you can nurse through implants

1. Global warming is the biggest threat to planet earth, followed by those illegal aliens from Mars

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Harvard: Not So Selective At Graduation Time

Harvard University is known for its high degree of selectivity when it comes to enrolling students. Unfortunately, it is much less selective at graduation time when it brings in an embarrassing list of speakers to address graduating seniors at Commencement and Class Day festivities. Here is a partial list of (mostly) recent speakers:

11. Seth Macfarlane - 2006 Class Day - Creator of dull and unfunny TV Show "Family Guy," who spent a portion of his speech ripping "South Park" for not being funny.

10. Bono - 2001 Class Day - Overrated rock singer who fancies himself an intellectual.

9. Henry Aaron - 1995 Class Day - Baseball's home run king, who provided the Ivy Leaguers valuable advice on how to hit a curve ball.

8. Kofi Annan - 2004 Commencement - Secretary General of the United Nations, who advised graduates on how to funnel money from their new employers to personal accounts.

7. Derek Bok - 1991 Commencement - Where else would these graduates have had the opportunity to hear the President of Harvard speak? Pathetic.

6. Fr. Theodore Hesburgh - 1973 Commencement - Inviting the president of the University of Notre Dame is basically an admission that Harvard is not as good.

5. Will Farrell - 2003 Class Day - Farrell taunted the Harvard kids with the fact that they never would go to a decent college party like the one depicted in his film "Old School."

4. Al Gore - 1994 Commencement - I wouldn't wish an Al Gore speech on the students of Harvard, or al-Qaida for that matter.

3. John Lithgow - 2005 Commencement - This was the year they called shenanigans and switched the star of possibly the most unfunny TV sitcom ever with Tim Russert, who inexplicably was the Class Day speaker.

2. Ali G - 2004 Class Day - Unfortunately, the Harvard administration thought he would bring much needed diversity to the ceremony.

1. Al Franken - 2002 Class Day - Classy Al included a smear of Mother Theresa in his speech.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Top 11 Ways Karl Rove Celebrated His Non-Indictment

11. Went down to C.I.A. Headquarters and asked people their names just to see their reactions

10. A round of golf with Bill Clinton

9. Invented a victory frog-walk dance and performed it in front of Joe Wilson

8. Demanded an explanation for why Charles Schumer wasn’t charged with illegally obtaining Michael Steele’s credit report

7. A bracing trip to Iraq

6. Dropped hints around Cheney about his “heart-to-heart talks” with Fitzgerald

5. Called up reporters and told them (not for attribution) that Tipper Gore is C.I.A

4. Bought more Halliburton stock

3. Went down to the NSA and listened in on Brad and Angelina’s phone calls from Namibia

2. Sent a case of tin foil party hats to

1. Taunting phone call to Scooter Libby

Monday, June 12, 2006

Sometimes You Just Have to Do As You're Told

I rarely succumb to meme requests. However, when Hugh Hewitt orders you to do something, I've found it's best to just do it. Let's just say he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

I am, of course, talking about his meme of asking the question, "Which sitcom character would you like to be (when you grow up)?" Since we at NIGP are overachievers, I present the top 11 sitcom characters I would like to be (when I grow up).

11. Murray Slaughter - The Mary Tyler Moore Show - Hugh suggested this for me, so I'd better put it on the list. Murray isn't a bad choice either. Sure, he's a bit of a yutz, but he has a ton of good lines and constantly pokes fun at Ted Baxter. Could Ted be an allegory for the mainstream media in general?

10. Colonel Flagg - M*A*S*H - While he was completely psychotic, paranoid and delusional, Flagg stopped at nothing to get the job done. And he hated communists.

9. Chris Peterson - Get A Life - A 30 year-old paperboy who lived with his parents. I would love to attend Handsome Boy Modeling School as Chris did.

8. Jamie Coleman - Men Behaving Badly - He sat around all day drinking and plotting ways to score with the ladies.

7. Alan Brady - The Dick Van Dyke Show - He's a big star, he knows it, and he demands the reverence that comes with it.

6. Elliot Carlin - The Bob Newhart Show - A bitter, sarcastic millionaire, albeit one who needed a regular appointment with his psychologist.

5. Jethro Bodine - The Beverly Hillbillies - Jethro was a millionaire heir with the dream of being a big-time Hollywood producer. He wasn't afraid to show off his 6th grade education.

4. Sledge Hammer - Sledge Hammer - The cop who believed in shooting first and asking questions later. He made Dirty Harry look like Michael Dukakis.

3. Arthur Deitrich - Barney Miller - The wise cracking detective with the dry wit.

2. Norm Peterson - Cheers - The funny barfly.

1. Montgomery Burns - The Simpsons - A filthy rich symbol of corporate America.

I will tag Learned Foot, Katie from Yucky Salad, and Swiftee. Remember, you guys have it easy. You only need to pick one character.

World Cup Live Blog: U.S.A. vs Czech Republic

10:59 AM: For the first time in years (first time ever?) analysts are giving Team U.S.A. a shot at advancing out of the first round. They're in Group E with Ghana, Italy, and the Czech Republic, a tough draw but certainly doable.

11:01 AM: Are you ready for some Football! America's World Cup '06 run has officially begun!

11:03 AM: Holding ... Holding .... Holding ...

11:05 AM: GGGGOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL for Czech Republic. No need to panic, it is still early.

11:10 AM: Holding ... Holding ... Holding ...

11:27 AM: Shots are even at one per team. Team U.S.A. has the edge in ball possession.

11:36 AM: Another GGGGOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL for the Czechs. They have an insurmountable 2-0 lead.

This live blog is OVER.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Top 11 Seminars At The Yearly Kos Convention In Las Vegas

11. The Latest in Tin Foil Hat Technology

10. Genghis Khan, Ivan the Terrible, Nero, and Attila the Hun – Bush Isn’t Just Worse Than Hitler

9. Endorsing Republicans: A New Strategy for Electoral Success

8. How to Win At Blackjack in the Age of Bush/Cheney

7. Panel Discussion: Which Unelectable Candidate Should We Support for President In ‘08

6. Pig Latin: The Key to Foiling NSA Surveillance

5. How To Explain To Your Cocktail Waitress That Your Tireless Blogging In Support Of An Increased Minimum Wage and Universal Health Care Is Actually More Valuable To Them Than A Tip

4. The Nude Protest and Other Methods of Enticing Bill Clinton to Attend Your Event For Free

3. How to Fool People into Thinking You’re Not Nuts

2. Fuck: The Magical Word That Wins All Arguments

1. Americans Are Stupid: Why Our Intelligence, Charm, and Good Looks Are Not Recognized By the American Public

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Top 11 Things Overheard In The Audience Of The Prairie Home Companion Movie

11. When is he going to tell us about how we’re all going to die from global warming?

10. Wow, this is a rare career misstep by Woody Harrelson

9. I still can’t believe that Cars, The Omen, The Break-Up, The X-Men, Over The Hedge, The Da Vinci Code, MI-3, Poseidon, and RV were all sold out

8. I would listen to the show, but I don’t know how to change my radio from WCCO

7. Excuse me sir, but could you keep your snoring down, oh, never mind

6. It’s a pity that the snack bar doesn’t have Powdermilk biscuits

5. Is that blond woman Paris Hilton?

4. I really think the government should have paid for all of our tickets

3. I hope the guy sitting behind us gets another call on his cell – his ring tone is very amusing

2. Do you think the repairman is done fixing our air conditioner yet?

1. This movie is terrible – I blame Bush

Friday, June 09, 2006

Tick. Tick. Tick.

With apologies to Hugh Hewitt, there appears to be an epidemic that is far closer to terrorizing our shores than the avian flu: the return of the moustache.

People are beginning to panic, according to 26-year-old documentary filmmaker Jay Della Vale, who created "The Glorious Moustache Challenge":

For the first month, everybody is against it, especially the women," he said. "They say, 'Please don't do that, you remind me of my father ... or a 70s porn star'."

Like smallpox, humanity has successfully defeated this crisis in the past:

. . . the moustache's fortunes took a dive in the popularity stakes -- it's fall from grace best summed up by the makeover forced on the "Brawny Man."

A brand icon whose lumberjack shirt and heavy moustache had promoted Brawny kitchen towels for decades, the Brawny Man was replaced in 2003 by a clean-shaven hunk who was seen as more in tune with the times.

Can we stop the moustache? Experts disagree:

Della Vale optimistically predict an "epidemic" of moustaches spreading across the country, while other fashion arbiters are more cautious.

One of the more cautious experts is James Bassil, editor-in-chief of the male lifestyle website,

"The general impression that women have of moustaches is either they love them or they are absolutely repulsed by them, and there's no real middle ground," Bassil said.

"And there needs to be a middle ground for a fashion or a facial hair trend to be adopted en masse permanently," he added.

Dr. Michael Osterholm, the state epidemiologist for the Minnesota Department of Health could not be reached for comment, but I would guess he'd suggest that it's time to panic.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Zarqawi:Dust In The Wind

We've heard a lot of how big stars in the music industry hate George W. Bush and think the war in Iraq is _______ (fill in the blank with one of the following adjectives: illegal, unwinnable, unnecessary, unjust, etc.)

Unlike some who suggest that they shut up and sing, I encourage these so-called artists to speak their minds and get involved in the political process. I'm sure that while getting baked on dope, Neil Young and Bruce Springsteen learned a lot about geopolitical realities from their roadies and groupies. I'm sure that before they dropped out, the Dixie Chicks and Pink's high school classes offered them keen insight that Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld could never achieve in their years serving Presidents in the National Security Agency or the Defense and State Departments.

In fact, I want to go expand the free speech for musicians idea to more genres. I demand to know how wuss rockers from the 1980's feel about the Iraq war. Styx, what say Mr. Roboto? REO Speedwagon, should we have fought this (war mongering) feeling anymore?

Perhaps if one asked the horrible band Kansas about the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, they would surprise us and decry the biased media coverage of the war in general. Maybe they would have said this:

Zarqawi dies,
Media gives a moment,
Now the moment's gone

All their dreams,
Cries about Bush lies, what animosity
"War we can't win,
Iraq is a war we can't win"

Media song,
Insurgents are like water
In an endless sea

Says all we do,
Crumbles to the ground, thanks a lot Dick Cheney!
"War we can't win
Iraq is a war we can't win"

We'll hang on,
Nothing lasts forever,
Not even your bias

Days like today,
Are wins to celebrate, we killed a real bad guy!
We're gonna win!
F*** you, media, we're gonna win

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Top 11 Most Pretentiously Titled Books/Movies By or About Liberals

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Top 11 Things That Anti-War Protesters Would Have Said At the Normandy Invasion on D-Day (Had There Been Anti-War Protesters At Normandy)

11. No blood for French Wine!

10. It’s been two and a half years since Pearl Harbor and they still haven’t brought Admiral Nagumo to justice

9. In 62 years, the date will be 6/6/6. A coincidence? I think not.

8. All this death and destruction is because the neo-cons are in the pocket of Israel

7. The soldiers are still on the beach, this invasion is a quagmire

6. Sure the holocaust is evil, but so was slavery

5. We are attacked by Japan and then attack France? Roosevelt is worse than the Kaiser!

4. Why bring democracy to Europe by force and not to Korea or Vietnam? I blame racism

3. This war doesn’t attack the root causes of Nazism

2. I support the troops, but invading Germany does not guarantee that in 56 years we won't have a President who's worse than Hitler

1. I don't see Roosevelt or Churchill storming the beaches -- they're Chicken Hawks

Monday, June 05, 2006

Top 11 Channels Where I Looked For The NHL Finals

The NHL has the most ridiculous TV contract in the world. I admit that I haven't watched much of the playoffs. However, tonight I wanted to watch the first game of the championship series between the Edmonton Oilers and the Carolina Hurricanes. I knew it wasn't on broadcast TV, so I restricted my search to cable. Here are the 11 channels I searched in order to find the game:

11. ESPN's entire family of channels

10. Fox Sports North

9. The Weather Channel (Hurricanes?)

8. The History Channel

7. The Discovery Channel

6. Spike TV (TV for men)

5. MTV

4. Oxygen (Does Oprah like hockey?)

3. The Cartoon Network

2. Speed TV (Hockey is a fast game)

1. Outdoor Life Network - Bingo! Go Oilers!

Note to our Canadian readers: my cable does not have CBC.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Founding Blogger?

Generally I steer clear of the trap other bloggers often fall into, that of posting book reviews in an attempt to pass myself off as well-read. That's because I'd much rather watch an episode of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge than read a book. Damn you Real World Austin's Wes! Your new Mohawk haircut makes you even more unlikeable, a feat I once considered impossible. Fortunately, even the Real World and Road Rules media whores hate you as much as I do and you are sure to be voted off the show soon.

But I digress.

The point of this post was supposed to be that to commemorate his 300th birthday, I've been reading Walter Isaacson's excellent biography of Benjamin Franklin. Now the folks at NIGP are all big fans of Franklin. What's not to like? He was an important founding father of our country. He was an influential scientist whose discoveries related to electricity went on to contribute to the industrial revolution of the 19th century. He was an inventor of note (bifocals, the Franklin stove). These are all things we learned in grade school, at least for those of us who went to school before the 1980's when the chapter on him in the history texts was removed to make room to add one on Paul Robeson.

However, I never knew until now that Ben Franklin was a blogger. Sure, Al Gore hadn't invented the internet yet, so Franklin had to publish on dead trees, but his 18th century methods are very familiar to those who study the 21st century medium known as the blogosphere.

In his first job, Franklin worked for a printer who published a newspaper. Knowing that the publisher would be jealous of his superior writing skills, he often submitted editorial letters using pseudonyms. Later in his career, Franklin would post a series of attacks on a rival newspaper writer with whom he disagreed. An excerpt from Isaacson:

The first two pieces were attacks on poor (Samuel) Keimer, who was serializing entries from an encyclopedia. His initial installment included, innocently enough, an entry on abortion. Franklin pounced. Using the pen names "Martha Careful" and "Celia Shortface," he wrote letters to Bradford's paper feigning shock and indignation at Keimer's offense.

In summary, Franklin published pseudonymously, made vicious attacks on newspaper writers that he didn't like, and used wedge issues to stir up sentiment against his enemies. For shame!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Da Vinci Code Movie Review

On The Patriot Insider today, I reviewed "The Da Vinci Code." As a Catholic, I really wasn't bothered by the story line. After all the book is a work of fiction. Anyone who gives it any credence is very misinformed.

I read the book and did not enjoy it. While I thought the concept was somewhat original, I thought the writing style and use of language was deficient. I also thought that the story, which referenced art and architecture was far too visual and did not work well within the novel format.

The movie solved the visual problem and the screenplay was adequate. Ron Howard is an excellent filmmaker and Tom Hanks is a wonderful actor. However, the story is still fairly boring. While it wasn't a terrible movie, it certainly wasn't great.

My rating for the movie would be a bogey. I'd liken it to missing a three foot putt on an easy par 3.

Previous ratings:
United 93 - Birdie

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Powerline Style Media Alert V

It's time for the right to take back The Patriot Insider. After a three week absence, Mark Yost returns to try to restore control and brings me along for the ride Saturday at 9-11 am in AM 1280 the Patriot.

We will be broadcasting from the state Republican convention in downtown Minneapolis. We will have oodles of guests including candidates. As Yostie put it, it will be like the Jerry Lewis telethon.

Also, I will be preparing a better late than never review of The Da Vinci Code. Here is a top 11 list of things you won't hear:

11. Talk about the need for raising taxes

10. Talk about socialized medicine

9. An "expert" on blogs that recommends Daily Kos

8. Talk about campaign finance reform

7. Negative comments on gridlock

6. Anyone asking who Thomas Sowell is

5. A review of the 11 best movies about used cars

4. A review of Al Gore's movie (I refused to go)

3. Representatives of any goofball third parties

2. Discussion of one of Patty Wetterling's policy ideas ('cause she has none)

1. A dramatic reading of Jim Klobuchar's column calling citizens to vandalize Met Stadium

Al Gore’s Top 11 Duties As A Senior Advisor To Google

11. Make a documentary for Google employees proving that the pilfering of office supplies will hasten the heat death of the universe

10. Hang around Google executive headquarters, so the president of Google looks smarter

9. Give tips on customizing the Google private jet

8. Enlist Tipper's help in determining which Google searches need to be censored

7. Consult with Google engineers who may have questions about the way the internet is designed

6. Advise the legal department on controlling legal authorities

5. Serve as a recruiting tool for the Google Employees Weight Watcher's group

4. Negotiate with former campaign contributors the conditions under which Google can do business in China

3. Recommend ways to reduce the greenhouse gasses emitted by the search engine

2. Give lectures to Google employees on Sartre and Camus in French

1. Create a special Google homepage for Memorial Day