Saturday, March 31, 2007

Literally Too Good To Be True

My first pseudo-podcast is in the works and I have lined up President Jimmy Carter. Like my fake interview with soul singer James Brown just minutes before his death, this is a coup for me. Here is an excerpt:

NIGP: Now let’s get to the first major issue of the day, which is Iran. President Carter, if the United Kingdom feels obliged to use force, if diplomacy fails to get their people back, will you applaud?

Carter: I think there are two very simple steps that should be taken. The first is to use a understand what the Iranians want. That is the only way you can negotiate with them. In my non-ironically titled book, “Negotiation: The Alternative to Hostility,” I lay out the successful steps I took in dealing with Iran. The second step is an ultimatum.

NIGP: I didn’t know you believed in ultimatums. Would you do, would you urge them…

Carter: And say to the Iranians, you know, you can keep the sailors as long as you want. However, everyone in your country will need to fear a strongly worded UN sanction.

NIGP: So how long would you give them, to give them an ultimatum, the Iranians?

Carter: I would literally give them enough time for them to do the right thing, and say to them within the next two years, your UN parking passes will no longer work. And within the following year, we will draw up a resolution. Now if you would like to avoid being humiliated publicly, we recommend you calmly and quietly give them back now. But frankly, if you’d prefer to show the planet that you’re tiny and we’re not, we’re prepared to simply cut off diplomatic ties with you. Except, of course for export of fissionable nuclear materials. We wouldn’t want to inhumanely deprive them of electricity or atom bombs.

NIGP: I agree with that 0%. Would your recommendation to the United States President be the same if Iran seized our forces?

Carter: Absolutely. I mean, the reason I say that, it is the least violent, least direct thing you can do. It uses our greatest strength…you know, the mismatch in diplomatic speech-making power is absolute. And so you don’t have to send troops into Iran. Trust me. I have dealt with this before.

NIGP: Thank you President Carter. I believe you are the one man that we should not listen to in this situation.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Top 11 Reasons This Blog Opposes Making the Tilt-A-Whirl the Official Amusement Ride of Minnesota

11. The Flume ride better represents Minnesota’s logging history

10. Afraid special accommodations will have to be made for Tilt-A-Whirling imams

9. Tilt-A-Whirls unfairly discriminate against people with weak stomachs

8. The Ferris Wheel is much more dignified and inclusive

7. We’d hate to see the purity of the Tilt-A-Whirl corrupted by government involvement

6. Slippery slope could lead to vomiting becoming the official state bodily function

5. It’s about time someone stood up to the powerful Faribault Tilt-a-Whirl lobby

4. The Nihilist opposes all forms of amusement on general principle

3. Tilt-A-Whirl debate is distracting attention from dire need to pump billions of dollars into education

2. If the Tilt-A-Whirl Industrial Complex wants our support, they can pay us off like they’ve paid off Lileks

1. Taking light rail from the Mall of America to Minneapolis is the real state amusement ride

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Minneapolis Water Smells "Funky"

11. Minneapolis smoking ban too lenient

10. Gangs are throwing too many bodies in the Mississippi

9. That's what happens when you appoint Steve Greenberg as Water Commissioner

8. Secret UN-sponsored mind-control fluoridation program

7. A Powdermilk Biscuit spill

6. City government stockpile of manure to shovel at taxpayers in search of accountability has seeped into water table

5. Soil and Water Conservation District bureaucracy ploy for more funding

4. Don Shelby caused a massive ammonia spill while polishing his ego

3. Global warming melting all the stinking glaciers

2. Banned from Minneapolis Fire Department hot tubs, Bonnie Bleskachek now skinny dipping in the river

1. City officials have begun the process of gradually acclimating us to the smell of the protesters who will be arriving for the 2008 Republican National Convention

Monday, March 26, 2007

Top 11 Reasons That The Gopher Hockey Team Lost To North Dakota

11. Minnesota has a lousy hockey commissioner

10. Jeff Frazee thought Eric Johnson was talking about post-game meal when he was yelling "Wrap!"

9. Don Lucia's lost the magic ever since he let his hair go gray

8. Lucia's pregame inspirational speech quoted liberally from RT Rybak's state of the city address

7. North Dakota stole the Arc of the Covenant from a government warehouse and used its powers to generate quick whistles from the refs

6. Engelstad's heirs own a lot of Halliburton stock

5. Several Gopher players suffering from effects of peroxide poisoning

4. Gopher's still reeling from news that Dean Johnson was named new U of M Regent

3. Global warming hasn't impacted youth hockey player development as much in Canada as it has in Minnesota

2. Minnesota at a considerable disadvantage, due to lack of state government funding for higher education

1. North Dakota fans destroyed Frazee's confidence by calling him a sieve, leading him to give up a goal on a play that usually only works in high school

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Top 11 Changes Being Considered At St. Louis Park High School To Avoid Exposing Students To The N-Word

11. "Huckleberry Finn" to be removed from required reading list

10. Music appreciation class will remove Ol' Dirty Bastard from play list

9. Economics class will not be allowed to use the term "niggardly," just in case

8. School plans to actually enforce anti-gang policy

7. Robert Byrd's speech transcripts will not be discussed in social studies

6. Conservative and/or Republicans will not be allowed to speak at school, because we all know they are thinking it even if they don't say it

5. When a teacher is sick, school will no longer follow policy of showing a video of "Blazing Saddles"

4. Michael Richards appearance at assembly cancelled

3. When they play the Al Gore movie, discussion afterward will be limited to exclude any discussion about his dad and any alternate viewpoints on global climate change

2. American History deemed offensive (certainly through 1865, and probably until today) and will be replaced by Womyn's Studies

1. School district could solve this problem if they only could get a property tax levy passed

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Question For Al Gore

Al, if you really think that the planet has a fever, why are you removing zinc from it?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Top 11 Things I'd Rather Listen To Than Someone Updating Me On Their NCAA Brackets

11. Carol Platt Liebeau filling in for Hugh Hewitt

10. Mitch Berg doing a financial planning infomercial

9. Replay of the 2006 Holy Cross-Gophers hockey game

8. Andy Williams giving an eight-hour time share pitch for Branson, Missouri

7. Rose O'Donnell and Clay Aiken Love Duets

6. The sound of the dentist's drill working on my teeth sans Novocain

5. Babs and the Boys Reunion Special

4. Garrison Keillor reading the complete, unabridged version of the Federal registry

3. Soundtrack to "An Inconvenient Truth"

2. A female cat dragging its claws across a blackboard while mating

1. RT Rybak State of the City Address

Monday, March 19, 2007

Breaking Down the NCAA Hockey Tournament

Once again it is time to start filling those NCAA Hockey Tournament brackets. Here is everything you need to know to dominate your office pool.

West Regional
Let’s start with the only regional that matters – the West.

(1) Minnesota vs. (4) Air Force
All of you Gopher haters out there will be well advised to skip watching this game and just pop in your DVD of last year’s Holy Cross upset – because that is not gonna happen again, not in a million years. Gophers 7, Falcons 0

(2) Michigan vs. (3) North Dakota
North Dakota will beat a lousy Wolverines team as badly as they want to. Sioux 8, Wolverines 3

West Final:
At first I was bitter that the Gophers, the top overall seed, were placed in the same region as the nation’s hottest team (at least they were the hottest until the Gophers spanked them Saturday). But, it really doesn’t matter that much whether the Gophers beat the Sioux in the National Championship game or here in the regional final.

If this game were to be played on an Olympic sized sheet of ice, instead of a smaller NHL-sized rink, I might give the edge to the Sioux. The Gophers proved last Saturday that their size is too much for the Sioux on a small rink.
Minnesota 5, North Dakota 3

Northeast Regional
(1) New Hampshire vs. (4) Miami
New Hampshire has been fading, but they should be able to hold off a questionable Miami team. Wildcats 4, RedHawks 2

(2) Boston College vs. (3) St. Lawrence
Boston College is the hottest team in the East and St. Lawrence couldn’t even score a goal against Quinnipiac in the E-Z-AC tournament. Eagles 6, Saints 1

Northeast final:
A rematch of the Hockey (L)East final, with the same result. Boston College 4, University of No Hardware 1

East Regional
(1) Clarkson vs. (4) Massachusetts
Clarkson won the E-Z-AC, for what that’s worth (not much). Nevertheless, they should be able to hold off UMass.
Golden Knights 3, Minutemen 2

(2) St. Cloud State vs. (3) Maine
St. Cloud State needs goalie Bobby Goepfert to carry them like he was a month ago, but he won’t. The Huskies will continue their NCAA tourney tradition of losing in the first round. Black Bears 5, Huskies 4

East Final
Clarkson is no great shakes, but Maine has lost six of their last eight. Clarkson 5, Maine 4

Midwest Regional
The Midwest is the consensus weakest regional.

(1) Notre Dame vs. (4) Alabama-Huntsville
This won’t be as big an upset as it seems. Alabama-Huntsville is about the caliber of team that Notre Dame has been playing all year in a weak CCHA. Chargers 2, Fighting Irish 1

(2) Boston University vs. (3) Michigan State
One of these lousy teams has to win; I don’t see it being Michigan State. Terriers 3, Spartans 0

Midwest Final
BU advances almost by default. Boston University 2, Alabama-Huntsville 1

Frozen Four
The two best teams remaining meet in the first semi-final. The Gophers will handle the Eagles, but it will be tight. Minnesota 3, Boston College 2

Who cares who wins the other semi, they will lose in the final. Boston University 4, Clarkson 2

The easiest game since the first round for the Gophers. Minnesota 6, Boston University 2

UPDATE: The St. Cloud Times (the newspaper with the best college hockey coverage in Minnesota) has a cool interactive bracket for makng your NCAA Hockey picks.

Nihilist Adds:
I know Sisyphus is just trying to bait me, but I'll wager any amount that the Irish send the Alabama-Huntsville team back home with a banjo on their knee.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Goal Separated At Birth?

The 5 Stages of Blogging

Maybe it was the alcohol from St. Patrick's Day. Maybe it was the fact that I spent half of the day in airports. But somehow, it struck me. The 5 stages of grief apply 100% to blogging.

Now, I'm not making light of the people who have been given the worst news. But I've noticed a definite parallel between those who take to blogging and those diagnosed as terminal. Let's take a look at the steps:

Stage 1: Denial
The would be blogger ignores the fact that there literally are millions of blogs that no one actually reads and sets up a new blog. Beware! Even award winning blogs like this one get a paltry hit count of 300 unique visitors per day. Yet the would-be blogger is in full fledged denial:

I'll be the next PowerLine.

Sure you will, kiddo.

The initial blogging euphoria wears off quickly and leads to the second stage.

Stage 2: Anger
The neophyte blogger lashes out from frustration that no one reads the work that they spend several hours or more on each week. Meanwhile, their boss, their wife, their kids all notice that the blogger is focusing his energy elsewhere. They protest, making the blogger's life unpleasant. The blogger has no choice than to lash out, generally at other bloggers who have exponentially more hits:

F*** those PowerLine guys. I'm just as smart as John Hinderacker. And who did Cap'n Ed blow to get all those hits?

The second stage may last for years. Some blogs dedicate their entire existence to anger. Anger is a more productive stage than denial. Eventually, it leads to stage three.

Stage 3: Bargaining
The third stage is a pathetic cry for help:

Maybe if I link to Hinderacker's post, he will throw me a link.

Unfortunately, this strategy seldom works. It is a sad state which precedes the fourth stage.

Stage 4: Depression
This is the stage where the blogger actually begins to get it:

I am not sure this is worth it. Does anyone even take me seriously?

Once a blogger has advanced to stage four, there is a good chance they will advance quickly to stage 5.

Stage 5: Acceptance
This is the point where the blogger finally achieves their final desiny:

This will be my final post. Thanks to all of my readers. I'll miss you

The last line was not meant to be a statement of my intentions. I apologize for writing in a way that could be misinterpreted as such. I want to be clear that I am not leaving anytime soon. The statement was meant to accurately depict stage 5 of a typical blogging career. I am still vacilating between the stages of anger and bargaining.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Who Is The Angry Old Stranger There?

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000. definition number 2 for "maverick" is:

One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.

Today, whenever anyone who has paid any attention to national politics hears the word "maverick," they are likely to think of John McCain. The mainstream media has crowned him a Maverick for various reasons, mostly because he has been the most prominent Republican leader to publicly criticize President Bush. Those criticisms have been biting and numerous, hence the love from the Bush-hating press.

But is John McCain really a maverick? Let's weigh the facts. Well known fact #1: He has rebelled against the leader of his party. Lesser known fact #2: I just read that he recently got in trouble for using the racially offensive term "tar baby". The article didn't say whether he used the slur against fellow presidential hopeful Barak Obama. Anyway, that's not enough information for me to make a judgement on whether McCain is really a maverick. So I decided to investigate at his web site,

I believe that little things tell you a lot about a person. This fascinating page tells me a lot of little things about John McCain. It contains his NCAA tournament bracket. I found it a few days before the tournament started. There are several things about this that fascinate me.

First of all, McCain has a history of introducing anti-gambling legislation specifically related to college sports. Now I know that picking a bracket is not necessarily gambling, but let's be realistic. Millions of Americans pick brackets to gamble on the NCAA tournament. If you really wanted to stop gambling on college sports, you would discourage picking brackets. A maverick might make a speach saying, "I know NCAA tournament pools are immensely popular. But I believe they are immoral and if I am president, I will enact policy to put an end to them."

Score: Hypocrite 1, Maverick 0.

Secondly, let's look at the Arizona Senator's bracket. Let's see, he has his home team, Arizona beating Purdue. I do believe Purdue beat Arizona by 9.

Score: Shameless Homer 1, Maverick 0.

Finally, let's take a look at his final four: Kansas, Florida, North Carolina and Ohio State. I do believe those are all #1 seeds. I would have thought a maverick would have a couple of wild picks that no one else would dare take. Southern Illinois anyone? For Pete's sake, take a flier on someone.

Score: Front Runner 1, Maverick 0.

In fact, it looks as if his bracket is constructed in order to avoid offending anyone. Hey, Michigan voters, North Carolina was a #1 seed. I love the Spartans, but #8's just don't beat #1's very often. Maverick, indeed. The facts say no.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Open Thread for Congratulating the Nihilist On Winning the Keegan's Pub Trip To Boston

Top 11 Revelations in Hugh Hewitt's New Book, "A Mormon in the White House?"

11) Mormons can no longer practice polygamy, but are allowed to bring 11 items through the 10 items or less line.

10) First ten songs on Mitt Romney's i-Pod shuffle are by the Osmond Brothers

9) Mormons are good at basketball, so be sure to pick BYU in your NCAA pool

8) Friday nights at the Romney house are kind of dull

7) Mitt was rooting for the dad in "Footloose"

6) In order to become more electable, Mitt considered changing his name to Matt Cougar

5) Mitt likes being photographed with Tom Cruise because it makes his beliefs appear mainstream by comparison

4) The fact that Mitt refused to let Hugh drive his snowmobile demonstrates good judgment

3) You can disprove any charges of being a biased, self-promoter by putting a question mark after your main thesis

2) Hugh Hewitt's next book is to be called "A Syndicated Radio Show Host from Southern California as Presidential Press Secretary?"

1) Free copies of "A Mormon in the White House?" will only be distributed to really lame bloggers who need help finding material

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Top 11 Other Stories the Washington Post has “broken” Recently

A guest top 11 list:
Dan Henninger writes in today's Wall Street Journal that everything the Washington Post has "reported" in its "breaking" coverage of the Walter Reed scandal was revealed two years ago in hearings held by GOP Rep. Tom Davis. Here are the top-11 other stories the Post has "broken" recently.

11. The Lindberg baby was kidnapped
10. The arctic can get cold
9. Watching the NCAA Basketball Tournament at work can cut into productivity
8. Winters are worse in North Dakota
7. Powerline is the best blog -- EVER!!!
6. James Lipton is a pretentious sycophant
5. Brooklyn would be the fourth-largest city in America had it not merged with the rest of New York in 1898
4. Ted Kennedy likes his scotch
3. Tom Cruise likes his Scientology
2. Paris Hilton is not chaste
1. Valerie Plame wasn't "covert"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Top 11 Things Rudy Giuliani "Hates" As Much As He "Hates" Abortion

According to Rich Lowry's column in NRO yesterday, Rudy has publicly stated that he "hates" abortion, even though he gave the opening remarks at NARAL's "Champions of Choice" lunch in April 2001.

Here are the other things he "hates" just as much.

11. The Yankees
10. Brooklyn
09. Garlic
08. Mozzarella
07. Divorcing
06. Marrying
05. Dressing in drag
04. Linguini
03. Playing golf
02. Flip-flopping
01. Fat-free frozen yogurt

Monday, March 12, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Anne Bancroft and Liv Arneson Abandoned Their North Pole Expedition To Raise Awareness Of Global Warming

11. After watching “An Inconvenient Truth”, they packed only Hawaiian shirts and shorts

10. Learned that Santa Claus was on vacation

9. Ran out of make-up

8. Their Prius didn’t get sufficient traction on the arctic ice

7. In retrospect, it wasn’t such a great idea to invite along Bonnie Bleskachek

6. Progress blocked by all the polar bears floating by on ice bergs

5. Completely forgot that they would miss the NCAA Basketball tournament if they scheduled the trip in mid-March

4. They were needed as stunt doubles for Rosie O'Donnell on the View.

3. Karl Rove and the oil industry used their weather machine to make it cold in order to discredit the expedition

2. Consensus of scientists threatened to kill them if they sent any pictures back of ice and snow

1. Temperatures dropped to -50 because of all those carbon offsets purchased by Al Gore

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Top 11 Real Reasons the Democrats Are Boycotting Fox News

11. Afraid that Jack Bauer will cut off their fingers if they don’t answer debate questions to his satisfaction

10. Fox is owned by Rupert Murdoch, and he’s one of those, you know, Australians

9. According to William Jefferson, John Murtha, and Alcee Hastings, Fox News just doesn’t know how to play ball

8. Retaliation for Laurie Dhue’s policy of not dating Kennedys

7. Convinced that Bill O’Reilly is behind all of the obscene crank calls to Nancy Pelosi

6. Fox producers were insisting that one of the candidates be voted out of the race after each debate

5. Want to help out the lower rated news channels

4. Pandering to PETA by boycotting networks with animal nicknames

3. Sean Hannity doesn’t let Allan Colmes talk enough

2. Refuse to recognize the legitimacy of any media outlet that is not financed by George Soros

1. They are protesting the premature cancellation of “The O.C.”

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Keeping Up With The Wellstones

Believe it or not, it must be difficult to be a politically correct lefty in the Twin Cities these days. Not because spirited conservatives are taking the battle to you, but because you really have to get creative to outdo your own brethren.

Right now, everyone stands in awe of the city of Minneapolis. The Star Tribune might shill the liberal party line day in day out, but there's nothing new or creative in that. The city of St. Paul can raise property taxes to pay for more government waste, but Minneapolis has been doing that for years. The DFL controlled state legislature might pass ridiculous, impractical laws that impose on the rights of businesses, but again, that's nothing the liberals in Minneapolis haven't been doing for decades. The city of Minneapolis continues its old anti-business agenda and increasing crime rate, but additionally has one-upped everyone on the political correctness scale by hiring and refusing to fire an inept and possibly criminal fire chief who happens to be (read was given the job solely because she is) a lesbian.

No one is more jealous of Minneapolis' PC posturing than the Marxists at the University of Minnesota. Their political correctness just doesn't measure up. The women's studies department hasn't been news in decades. The university has been relegated to attracting PC kudos by giving Al Gore an honarary degree. As if honoring another dead white male could score real PC points with those who keep track of that sort of thing.

I however, have an idea so radical that it would put the U of M on the front page of every newspaper in the country.

It is an unfortunate fact that the athletic departments of major universities garner more headlines than any of the academic departments. Late in 2006, the University of Minnesota was forced to fire the coaches of its two money programs (men's basketball and football) due to gross incompetence.

After the firings occurred, sports experts suggested that the university could end accusations of aspiring to atheletic mediocrity by hiring a "big name" coach in one of the two sports. Examples of "big name"coaches included Tony Dungy in football and Flip Saunders or Rick Majerus in basketball.

People who understood the aspirations of mediocrity of the U of M suggested that there would be no "big name" coach hired in either sport and instead suggested that the U would hire such non-big names as one or both of the "big time" coaches from non-rival North Dakota State.

The U of M responded by hiring a nobody named Tim Brewster for the football coach position. Brewster is certain to field a team no better than that of his predicessor Glenn Mason.

However, the U can still make history. They could hire basketball coaching legend Pat Summitt. Summitt would be the first ever woman to coach NCAA men's basketball. However, she would be more than an atheletic Bonnie Bleskachek. Summitt's overall record stands at 913-177, with 6 NCAA women's titles. Compare that to Mike Kryzewski or Bob Knight, with respective records of 771 wins and 3 NCAA Titles and 887 wins and 3 NCAA Titles.

Unlike Bonnie Bleskachek, Pat Summitt is a qualified coach. Her record is second to none. The NCAA is currently wringing its hands that it doesn't have enough minority football coaches. Yet they have more than one for decades. There has never been a woman coach of an NCAA men's basketball team. This is an obvious display of sexism. Many men have coached NCAA women's teams.

The University of Minnesota can once and for all claim PC supremacy by naming Pat Summitt its men's basketball coach. To do anything else would reinforce the existing patriarchy and make Wellstone followers everywhere cry.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Top 11 Things Good Ol' Gal Hillary Likes To Do When She's In The South

11. Marry her cousin

10. Noodle for catfish

9. Hunt swamp rabbits

8. Wrassle gators

7. Run 'shine

6. Visit repaired "dikes" in New Orleans

5. Sing Tammy Wynette songs at karaoke bar

4. Describe Reconstruction as a quagmire

3. Torment Rosco and Boss Hogg in the General Lee

2. Visit Crossroads where Robert Johnson sold his soul hoping to meet the devil

1. Make city folk who wander onto her Whitewater property squeal like a pig

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Top 11 Digitally Enhanced Baseball Cards

This is the 2007 Derek Jeter baseball card published by Topps. Upon close inspection, you can see that a George W. Bush has been digitally added into the crowd and Yankee legend Mickey Mantle has likewise been added in the dugout. It turns out this was the doing of some trickster at Topps, and the additions made it past the editors and into print. Here are the top 11 other digital enhancements to Topps 2007 set of baseball cards:

11. Sid Hartman literally kissing Joe Mauer's ass

10. Cy Young spinning in his grave as Carlos Silva throws a fat pitch

9. Kevin Costner sneaking out of the stadium with Cal Ripkin's wife on the Cal Ripkin Hall of Fame card

8. Atomizer's beet red face in background as Rondell White meekly grounds out to first (may not actually be an enhancement)

7. Dan Gladden beating the tar out of Steve Lombardozzi in the Minnesota Twins 20th Anniversary Wolrd Series Champions card

6. Cast of TV's "ER" waiting for Mark Prior's next injury

5. Colonel Sanders waving a bucket of fried chicken at Matt LeCroy as he takes a called third strike

4. The Hillside Strangler grabbing Alex Rodriguez's throat during a playoff at bat

3. George Steinbrenner yapping at Joe Torre

2. The Villiage People staring disapprovingly at Ozzie Guillen

1. A syringe sticking out of Barry Bonds butt

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Sisyphus Industries Presents: Blogosphere Profanity Offsets™ !

Are you a blogger who is a virtual Mozart when it comes to deploying the Effenheimer? Do your friends marvel at how you can modify swear words to be adjectives, adverbs, nouns, verbs, gerunds, pronouns and other parts of speech that only exist in French? Would curtailing your cussing devastate the word count on your blog and make it completely impossible to express yourself? Yet, are you tired of being constantly nagged that you are contributing to the coarsening of discourse?

If you answered yes to those questions, Sisyphus Industries has the exciting solution you’ve been looking for: Blogosphere Profanity Offsets™!

Here is how Profanity Offsets™ work. Say you are a left-wing blogger who thinks there is too much profanity on the internet, but can’t bring yourself to give it up (statistics show that left-wing blogs are the primary users of profanity). You would contact Sisyphus Industries and purchase a reasonably priced Profanity Offset™ for every page on which you would like to use profanity. We will, in turn, pay* high traffic blogs like Hugh Hewitt, Instapundit, Michelle Malkin, and Power Line to refrain from using profanity on a certain number of their blog pages. The result: You have free reign to express yourself with all seven of the words you can’t say on television without increasing the overall profanity level of the internet!

The next time your mother calls you on the profanity in your blog, you can say, “Hey, Mom, my blog is profanity neutral, thanks to Sisyphus Industries’ Profanity Offsets™!”

Sisyphus Industries’ Blogosphere Profanity Offsets™: We take out the guilt, when you take out the f*cking asterisk!

* We will not actually pay these blogs to stop using profanity unless they start using more than their allotted share.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Hillary Clinton Had her 1965 Senior Thesis Suppressed

11. Thesis details complicated scheme to get rich in cattle futures trading

10. She declared that her favorite Beatle was “Wingo” [sic]

9. Entire thesis essentially boils down to the question, "Do my calves look fat?"

8. Predicted that the Twins would sweep the Dodgers in the ’65 World Series because
“Sandy Koufax is an overrated neo-con”

7. She serial plagiarized Henrik Hertzberg columns

6. Ranted on for three pages on how Richard Feynman didn’t deserve to win a
share of the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics

5. The chapter entitled “Machiavelli Was A Big Wussy Girly-Man Wimp”

4. Contains the statement that any woman who doesn't leave a cheating spouse does lasting and permanent damage to the women's movement.

3. In intro, she declares her unqualified support for Vietnam War effort

2. Denounced anyone who didn’t believe the self-evident truth of Global Cooling
as the equivalent of a holocaust denier

1. Made the case why any Democrat must vote for a black man over a white woman

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Students For A Democratic Society Make More Sense

Paul Douglas is in all his glory today. What a great day to attempt to incite mass hysteria.

I loved his TV forecasts a few weeks ago that basically said, "I know you are all a stupid bunch of little babies, so I'll talk very slowly for you. When temperatures are in the neighborhood of -20 Fahrenheit it is dangerously cold. That means you must wear a hat and gloves and pack a friggin' winter survival kit if you dare go out of your house, which you shouldn't, because I say so."

This week he's back to his snowstorm of the millennium routine. My favorite lie:

And I don’t toss around the B-word lightly.

The b-word he is referring to is blizzard, not bitch, which is what he is.