Friday, February 26, 2010

CSI - SeaWorld

In the wake of the tragic death of the SeaWorld trainer at the hands flippers of one of her orcas, the New York Times wonders what the killer killer whale's "intentions" might have been.

The revelation that sea mammals could have motivations and "intentions" on par with higher orders of self-aware mammals (such as Dave Grohl), made the staff here at the Nihilist in Golf Pants sit up and take notice. After consulting with the NIGP's crack Sea Mammal Forensic Crimes Unit and examining what evil might lie in the depraved heart of a trained orca, we brainstormed the top 11 possible motives for the killer whale's murder of its trainer:

11. It's called a *killer* whale. Duh.

10. Bush’s fault for eight years of ignoring the economic plight of killer whales.

9. Angry at discontinuation of "Free Willie" movie series.

8. Trainer made one too many “you’re as fat as a whale” jokes.

7. Publicity hungry whale wanted to see his name in the New York Times.

6. Too many Twinkies.

5. Had to prove itself to the other killer whales.

4. Was overcome with apoplectic rage when its Twitter account (@TheRealShamu) got suspended.

3. Frustrated that the Twins haven't signed Joe Mauer to a new contract yet.

2. Lack of midnight Balance Ball on Nose League left whale with nothing to do but get into trouble.

1. Regarded the trainer as his chum.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Of That You Can't Deny

Top 11 topics during the Healthcare summit that everyone agreed on:

11. We support the US Olympic Team

10. At least I got on TV

9. American Idol just isn't as fun as it used to be

8. I'd feel a lot better about this bill if I were to receive a substantial bribe

7. We will continue to pretend that the US treasury isn't already broke

6. Lines were way too long at the buffet during lunch

5. This job would be great if it weren't for the damn voters

4. I think Joe Biden is flatulent

3. I could be a lot more honest if these damn cameras weren't here

2. We should have had beer like Henry Gates and James Crowley

1. Scoring political points is far more important than solving the country's problems

Monday, February 22, 2010

Top 11 Reasons That Canada Lost To The United States In Olympic Hockey Last Night

11. In retrospect, pre-game team meal at Tim Horton's probably not a great idea

10. In retrospect, having Viktor Tikhonov deliver the pre-game pep talk probably not a great idea

9. In retrospect, listening to mix tape of Anne Murray, Gordon Lightfoot, and KD Lang to get pumped up for the game probably not a great idea

8. Gave it away over lingering guilt about winning the "54-40 or Fight" dispute

7. The mandate under Canadian law that Coach Babcock explain the game plan both in English and French created confusion among the players

6. Players hoping they'd get cast as extras in the movie "Miracle on Ice 2"

5. Canadian players upset and distracted after reading Mark Steyn's latest negative comments about Islam

4. Having to wait tens weeks for an MRI under Canadian health care system limited team's ability to treat minor injuries

3. Pre-game locker room visit from Elisha Cuthbert exhausted half the team

2. Spooked by reports that Johnny Weir was planning on visiting locker room of winning team

1. Who cares? The Canadian national sport is curling

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Top 11 Reasons Why KSTP Went to an All Sports Format

11) Since Obama unified the country, nobody cares about politics anymore

10) Ratings failure of creative geniuses like Willie Clark and Prebil & Murphy proved the political talk format is dead

9) Desperate attempt to get Reusse to shut up about politics

8) Desperate attempt to get Soucheray to quit playing engine noises on the air

7) Recent contract extensions for Tim Brewster and Brad Childress guarantee long term success and high local interest in sports

6) Attempting to lure Hugh Hewitt to the station to do a show on the Cleveland Browns

5) Tapping into enormous market of sports fans who think Dan Barreiro and the Common Man suck

4) Hoping that with more sports talk radio, the Twin Cities will finally be able to land an NFL franchise

3) Hoping a format change might cause Barbara Carlson to stop calling and demanding to get her show back

2) Couldn't compete with the AM1280 the Patriot on labor costs

1) Thought that it was about time the Twin Cities had a sports talk station

Friday, February 12, 2010

Feeling Thankful For The Small Things Today

Today has been designated "Nick Punto Day" by the powers that be. In that spirit I offer the Top 11 Nick Punto Career Highlights:

11. The several hundred times that Dick and Bert mentioned that Punto was one of those guys who always gave 100% and how you needed guys like that on the team

10. The irony that Atomizer was forced to spend years of his life working in the “Nick Punto” trailer; (imagine if Al Franken had to work in the “Rush Limbaugh Building”)

9. Before striking out, working the count, thus fatiguing the opposing pitcher and theoretically decreasing his effectiveness in future innings

8. His Olympic heroics, leading the vaunted Italian national team

7. Hitting a weak infield grounder and busting his butt getting down the line before getting thrown by 10 feet out at first

6. The joy each year, when Punto hits his annual home run

5. The fact that he’s always the first guy off the bench to high-five guys who hit home runs

4. His baserunning blunder in the 2009 playoffs that effectively ended the Twins' postseason chances

3. Setting an example for more valuable teammates of sliding head first into first base and thus 1) getting there slower and 2) increasing the risk of a hand injury

2. His financial contribution to the Twins by keeping the bases clear in front of Joe Mauer and holding down his RBI numbers

1. The day at spring training in 2005 that Punto and his digital camera catch Ron Gardenhire in a very compromising position, leading to Punto's installation as a fixture in the Twins lineup

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Top 11 Iranian Plans to Stun the West on February 11

Breaking news out of Tehran:

Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said on Monday that Iran is set to deliver a "punch" that will stun world powers during this week's 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution.

The Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance (Western powers) on the 22nd of Bahman (February 11) in a way that will leave them stunned," Khamenei, who is also Iran's commander-in-chief, told a gathering of air force personnel.

Sounds ominous. Then again, the Muslim world has a history of overblown rhetoric (see Mother of All Battles, Great Satan, etc.). We sure hope this doesn't imply a nuclear detonation over some city the Iranians view as infidel. Especially Chad, who lives in Golden Valley, aka 'Sodom and Gomorrah on the Prairie'. Instead, we're looking for things more of this nature, the Top 11 Iranian Plans to Stun the West on February 11.

11) Change their official reference for the United States to "An Even Greater Satan than We Previously Realized"

10) Declare long overdue fatwa against Ray Stevens for "A-hab the A-rab"

9) Pull Iran's 2-man luge team out of the Winter Olympics

8) Blame Israel for the Vikings' 12 men in the huddle penalty in the NFC championship game

7) Demand that all Persian cats in the West be immediately repatriated to their homeland

6) Announce that during all summit meetings with Secretary of State Clinton, Iranian representatives will wear X-Ray specs.

5) Announce the signing of Joe Mauer to a $50 million a year contract to play for the Tehran Yankee Imperialist Pigs

4) Begin a pistachio embargo designed to bring the West to its snack-loving knees

3) Inflame the Obama administration's greatest fear, threaten to increase their carbon footprint

2) Deliver an extra, extra long and boring speech at the UN

1) Return President Obama's Valentine's Day card without even opening it

Sunday, February 07, 2010

You Simply Must Give Me The Recipe

There are some things that are so funny on their face that they don't require a setup. So I'm just going to post this link to Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes.

Perhaps some of these recipes will be featured at Andrew Zimmern's Super Bowl Party.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Rewriting The Rewrite

At Fraters, I posted about how Cheap Trick changed their song, "Dream Police," to "Green Police" in order to make an Audi commercial for the Super Bowl:

Cheap Trick took the lazy way out when re-recording their hit. They changed the name of the song to "Green Police," and merely changed the word "Dream" to "Green" throughout the song, leaving all other lyrics intact.

Since we have extensive experience re-writing songs for parody purposes here, I thought I'd help Cheap Trick out with a more appropriate (and less lazy) rewrite:

The green police watch you wherever you are.
The green police, they want you out of your car.
The green police, they're coming to arrest you, oh no.

You know that talk is cheap, unless you are Al Gore.
And when gub-mint says no, it means you get no more, oil, oil.

'Cause they're watching for you.
Taxing what you do.
Ev'ry single night they'll drive you quite insane.
Those carbon counting pains.

The green police watch you wherever you are.
(watch you wherever you are.)
The green police, they want you out of your car.
(want you out of your car.)
The green police, they're coming to arrest you, oh no.

Well, you can not drive, 'cause they're watching you.
And they won't let you turn the heat up, wear a sweater you fool, fool.

'Cause they're watching for you.
Taxing what you do.
Ev'ry single night they're drive you quite insane.
Those carbon counting pains.

You want to drive, they say car pool, how dare you go alone.
They tell you take a "staycation", how dare you leave your home.
They spy on you, don't try to hide, they won't let you alone.
They'll persecute you, they're the judge and jury all in one.

'Cause they're watching for you.
Taxing what you do.
Ev'ry single night they'll drive you quite insane.
Those carbon counting pains.

The green police watch you wherever you are.
The green police, they want you out of your car.
The green police, they're coming to arrest you, oh no.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Top 11 Places To Watch The Super Bowl

11. White House Party featuring the comedy of Amy Klobuchar
10. Protesting outside of healthcare executive's home, in front of the window with a view of the 102" plasma screen
9. All Minnesota depression treatment facilities' annual Super Bowl Parties
8. Briant McKinney's Super Bowl Strip Club Tour
7. At the Bellagio Sports Book with Barrack Obama
6. Party Like The Wealthy at The Fairmont Turnberry Isle Resort and Club featuring an IRS shake of down party-goers
5. Sitting in the E! box watching the Kendra/Kim Kardashian cat fight; reer!
4. Party Like a Banker at Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant, funded by US taxpayers
3. On a Minnetonka boat cruise with Fred Smoot, Dante Culpepper, and Dwight Smith
2. Hipster Football Week at Bardot, featuring $4 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Coldplay and Radiohead tunes instead of game audio
1. At Brad Childress' new sports bar "Twelve Men In The Huddle"

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Top 11 Real Reasons Fraters Libertas Was Off Line for the Past 10 Days

11) Its federal funding was slashed under Obama's new austere $3.69 trillion budget

10) Chad was arrested attempting to bug Sen. Mary Landrieu's telephone system

9) Pre-emptively shut down by FCC over Atomizer's expected contribution to Blog About Nick Punto Day

8) General staff agreement that our silence spoke volumes

7) In hindsight, having Adrian Peterson help move our servers to a new location wasn't a great idea

6) Act of sabatoge by Captain Ed to prevent JB Doubtless from being named CPAC Blogger of the Year

5) Part of our threat to move to LA if we don't get a new state funded Fraters Libertas world headquarters

4) Hostile takeover bid by the Doughty 500 blog

3) Wanted to be like 95% of the other blogs in the MOB

2) Last 10 days dedicated to recognizing all the good decisions made by the Obama administration

1) Post-Avatar Depression Syndrome

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Throwing A Cost Curve

Thomas Sowell on the reality of costs:

Whatever position people take on health care reform, there seems to be a bipartisan consensus--usually a sign of mushy thinking--that it is a good idea for the government to force insurance companies to insure people whom politicians want them to insure, and to insure them for things that politicians think should be insured.

Contrary to what politicians expect us to do, let's stop and think.

Why aren't insurance companies already insuring the people and the conditions that they are now going to be forced to cover? Because that means additional costs--and because the insurance companies don't think their customers are willing to pay those particular costs for those particular coverages.

It costs politicians nothing to mandate more insurance coverage for more people. But that doesn't mean that the costs vanish into thin air. It simply means that both buyers and sellers of insurance are forced to pay costs that neither of them wants to pay. But, because soaring political rhetoric leaves out such grubby things as costs, it sounds like a great deal.

When it comes to health care--and almost anything else--the reality is that the government really isn't capable of (or really interested in) reducing costs. What it can do is take actions that obscure the costs and pass them on to others. As Sowell notes, the costs don't simply disappear. Just because the person with a pre-existing condition who now receives mandated coverage isn't paying them, doesn't mean that someone else isn't.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Cost More Than Speed

Wendall Cox breaks through the happy talk and reveals the true appeal of high speed rail in a piece in today's WSJ:

On Thursday the Obama administration awarded $8 billion in stimulus funds to plan and build high-speed rail projects in California and Florida, and for other routine passenger-rail projects masquerading as high-speed rail. This is a political plum to the states that will receive the money.

It is also a dream come true for fans of bullet trains in Japan and Europe and the faster, greenhouse gas-belching Mag-Lev (magnetic levitation) lines. But this is not money well spent.

Supporters say high-speed rail is a cost-effective, "green" solution to airport and highway congestion. In reality, it is costly to build and operate and has a negligible impact on highway and airport traffic. High-speed rail is driven by little more than a romantic notion to confer a European ambiance on American cities.

Now I love a little European ambiance as much as the next guy. And I've had good experiences with high speed rail in Europe. If it made sense to do it in the U.S., I'd be more than happy to support it. However, when you look at the costs involved in most of the proposed American routes compared to the benefits you realize from them, it simply doesn't work out.

Hosted On Our Own Petard

After a week of not being able to update Fraters Libertas because of an upgrade transition with our hosting company, now no one can access the site because the IPs for Fraters and a family site that I also host there have been screwed up. We are trying to resolve these issues and return to a state of normalcy as soon as possible. In the meantime, we will contine to post anything that otherwise would have gone up on Fraters here.