Monday, November 30, 2009

Top 11 Candidates for Notre Dame Head Football Coach

11. Lou Holtz

10. Tim Brewster

9. Jerry Faust

8. Kate Moss (to get someone as dissimilar to Charlie Weis as possible)

7. Tom Cruise

6. The guy who played the coach in "Rudy"

5. Kate Michelman

4. The dude who snuck his wife into the state dinner

3. Khalid Sheik Mohamed

2. The Nihilist in Golf Pants

1. Barrack Obama

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

There's A Rumor Going 'Round; Someone's Underground

Nihilist In Golf Pants editors are investigating reports that Attorney General Eric Holder replaced the documentation for the presidential pardon of Courage, the Thanksgiving Day turkey with paperwork pardoning 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Muhammad.

At this point, we just don't know whether or not the pardon switch happened or whether it was intentional or a typical result of Obama administration incompetence. We promise to get to the bottom of the situation after the Thanksgiving Day nap that follows our feast on unpardoned bird.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Iron World Is Closing

Sad news out of Chisholm, MN. The theme park formerly known as Iron World is shutting its doors.

I guess I can tear up that lifetime pass the Nihilist bought me for my birthday last year. Ah well, here are the top 11 reaons why we suspect it's closing.

11) Kids aren't as interested in smelting as they used to be

10) Imax movie about the Bessemer Process didn't attract crowds like they had hoped

9) Lost huge copyright infringement case over mascot Porky the Pig Iron

8) In retrospect, molten iron flume ride was a really bad idea

7) Mounting medical expenses from injuries suffered in Toddler Iron Ball Crawl

6) Inventory of souvenir shop consisted entirely of rusty ingots

5) Most Minnesotans now outsource their iron museum vacations to China

4) Due to global warming concerns, attending Iron World now considered to be a hate crime

3) Disappointed Iron Maiden fans kept trashing the place

2) Strip mining demonstration was inappropriate for children

1) Wait. Iron World opened?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Top 11 Suggested Titles for Levi Johnston's Upcoming Autobiography

11) Going Commando: An American Life Without Underwear

10) Going Condomless

9) The Audacity of Knocking Up Sarah Palin’s Daughter

8) Yes I Can Reproduce!

7) 100 Girls I'd Like to Pork

6) Son in Law (with foreword by Paulie Shore)

5) Mommie-in-Law Dearest

4) She Burned the Turkey Tetrazzini and Other True Stories of Sarah Palin

3) My Collected, Published Letters to Penthouse Forum

2) Stay in the Lines: My Life As A Children's Coloring Book

1) Douchebag: An American Life

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Top 11 Alternate Titles Suggested by Marketing for Sarah Palin's new book, "Going Rogue: An American Life"

11) Going Rouge: Hot Make Up Tips to Look Like Me

10) Going Toga: Tales From My Sorority Days

9) The Life and Times of Levi Johnston's Mother-in-Law

8) Joe Biden is a Big Bald Idiot

7) Katie Couric Can Kiss My Ass!

6) The Big Book of Alaskan Humor

5) A MILF in the White House?

4) The Dummies Guide to Theocracy and Stalinism

3) The Real Housewives of Wasilla

2) My Collected, Unpublished Letters to Penthouse Forum

1) Lipstick on a Pig? Pork This Obama!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Damn Liberal Yankees

If you need another reason to hate the Democrats, here it is. Union workers, welfare queens and and illegal aliens thrive under Democratic administrations, but not as much as the New York Yankees.

In this, the first year of the Obama Administration, the Yankees won their first World Series since . . . the last year of the Clinton Administration. You can blame George W. Bush for a lot, but you can't blame him for a Yankee World Championship. While Clinton was having relations with Monica Lewinski, Derek Jeter was adding four rings and an untold number of venereal diseases.

Under GHW Bush and Reagan, the Yankees won no world titles and only one American League Pennant, in 1981 as America was still suffering from Jimmy Carter malaise. In Carter's four years, inflation, unemployment, and Reggie Jackson's # of rings rose exponentially (2 titles in four years).

During the Ford/Nixon era, the Yankees added no World Championships and no pennants. The Yanks must have thought LBJ was a war mongering Republican; during his term they added two pennants but no championships.

JFK saw 2 Yankee World Championships in his two years as President, until a Red Sox fan named Lee Harvey Oswald could stand it no more.

You have to go back to Ike in 1958 to find the last Republican President to see a Yankee world title. Ike saw six pennants and three world titles. Then he waxed on about the military/industrial complex and gave birth to the modern left.

Truman and FDR held the White House for two decades. During that time the Yankees won eleven titles and and twelve pennants.

The first four Yankee titles took place under two Republicans. 1932 under Hoover, 1923, 1927 and 1928 under Coolidge. They won seven pennants in that time. However, that's ancient history.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

You Go Girl

There's been a lot of talk about the importance of positive body images for women. US Magazine recently ran a positive story about normal, everyday women who love their bodies. Or do they? Here are the top 11 body image quotes from the article, from the woman who said it:

11. Fergie - If I don't do situps, my stomach sticks out

10. Cameron Diaz - I enjoy my body a lot more now than I did in my 20's

9. Jennifer Lopez - In every movie, you want to look as thin as you can look

8. Eva Longoria - I know many women with big boobs who feel overweight or end up with back problems

7. Kate Winslett - I don't know a single woman who doesn't stand up and check the tushie before she walks out the door

6. Carrie Underwood - I haven't worn jeans in years

5. Scarlett Johansson - I don't need to be skinny to be sexy

4. Eva Mendes - If your body's a certain way, things can get distasteful in a second

3. Angelina Jolie - I know other women would kill for my lips, but I feel they take over my face

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt - There are days when I'm like, Ugh, Really? Why is it so hard to fit into my jeans?

1. Kate Hudson - I have no boobs

Thank God these typical women are able to maintain healthy body images. They are an inspiration for other women everywhere!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Foot And Mouth Disease

Our good friend LearnedFoot is officially a missing person. His whereabouts have been unknown since 3 pm last Sunday. While no one seems to know where he is, we have a top 11 list of likely speculations regarding his whereabouts:

11. Naked in the fetal position in his basement muttering, "how bout dem Badgers?"

10. Alcohol induced coma

9. Stockpiling ammo and listening to “Sons of Liberty” podcasts

8. Jail

7. Cloistered at a monastery in Tibet trying to find meaning in life

6. Preparing a class action lawsuit against Brett Favre for alienation of affection against the residents of the state of Wisconsin

5. After losing faith in God, joined the Democrat party and was last seen door knocking for RT Rybak in south Minneapolis

4. Ranting accusations that his wife is leaving him for Jeff Fecke

3. Reenacting the penultimate scene of "The Deer Hunter"

2. In his bathroom, secretly experiencing a tender moment in his new purple #4 jersey

1. Now blogging under the name Barthélemy Barbancourt at Anti Strib

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Packer Fans' Status Alert Update: on to Bargaining