Friday, September 30, 2005

Top 11 Names Being Considered By Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner For Their Daughter

The word is out: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are going to have a daughter! Our source has leaked us the top 11 names that they’re considering:

11. Damona
10. Kumquat
9. Jenben
8. Gigli
7. Pear
6. Cucumber
5. Hallibertha
4. Learned Biden
3. Paris
2. Fargo
1. Flop

The Second 11 Names Being Considered by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner For Their Daughter

We’ve also been able to obtain the second 11 names that are being considered:

11. Parsley
10. Gwyneth
9. Des Monies
8. Pan
7. Fighting Sioux
6. Dead Money
5. Oops
4. Ollie
3. Larry Bird
2. Geza
1. Perth

Top 11 Names Eliminated For Consideration By Ben Affleck And Jennifer Gardner For Their Daughter

At great personal risk, our source has provided us with the top 11 names that Ben and Jen have eliminated from consideration:

11. Amy
10. Emily
9. Michelle
8. Laura
7. Jane
6. Sarah
5. J-Lo
4. Margaret
3. Katherine
2. Jordan
1. Mary

Far Left Lefties On the Pioneer Press Editorial Board Are Right – But For The Wrong Reason

I found myself nodding in agreement while reading this Pioneer Press editorial calling on the NCAA to move the NCAA Men’s Hockey West Regional to St. Paul. As a Gopher hockey fan, I’m strongly in favor of playing as many tournament games as possible in the Gopher’s own backyard.

Unfortunately the Pioneer Press was not basing their argument on pragmatic homerism, but on whacked-out moonbattery.

How do they find people who’ll write lines like this:
“It doesn't matter if a logo and nickname are offensive to one tribal member or 1 million. The fact is they're offensive and they're wrong.”

So the Pioneer Press has the right to declare a logo and nickname offensive so long as they can find one tribal member who agrees?

Okay, I’m a pioneer in the new media, and I declare their use of the nickname “Pioneer Press” offensive. I also declare the use of the bulldog mascot offensive (I’m sure there is at least one bulldog that’s offended by being caricatured by the PP – although if they switch their mascot to a poodle, they may find unanimous support).

Sigh. I suppose it is better to be right for the wrong reason than wrong for the wrong reason. Their concluding line is 100% correct:

“Finally, the NCAA should consider taking whatever legal and contractual steps are necessary to move the hockey tournament out of Grand Forks. How about moving it to St. Paul?”

Correct. Now, let’s see some better justifications.

Are You Ready For Some Parlays - Flirting With .500

Last week I was 2-1 on both my pro and college picks. Ohio University screwed me, winning by 3 while favored by 4 over Kent State. Likewise, the Philadelphia Eagles also won but failed to cover. Notre Dame covered easily, and my understanding of my favorite college football team continues to be a strength. Overall, after starting out 1-5, I am now 8-10, although 0-6 in parlay terms. I've got no theme this week except that the big favorites in college football should cover against lesser schools, so here goes (line is opening line from USA Today):

Texas - 14 1/2 @ Missouri
Virginia Tech -11 @ West Virginia
Miami (Fl.) -20 1/2 v. Southern Florida

Seahawks +2 @ Redskins
Bills pick @ New Orleans
Falcolns - 5 1/2 v. Vikings

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Top 11 Upcoming Ronnie Earle Indictments

11. Karl Rove – Conspiracy to be Evil
10. Cathy in the Wright – Conspiracy to be Nice
9. Melinda from “Real World: Austin” – Conspiracy to Commit Breast Fraud
8. Hugh Hewitt – Conspiring to Impersonate a Journalist
7. Halliburton – Conspiracy to be Halliburton
6. John McCain – Conspiring to Warmonger
5. Lady Bird Johnson – Conspiracy to Assassinate JFK
4. John Roberts – Conspiracy to Conspire with Conspirators
3. Sisyphus – Conspiracy to Publicize Senator Byrd’s KKK Past
2. Ken Starr – Conspiracy to Enforce Perjury Laws
1. A Ham Sandwich – Conspiracy to Commit Murder by Artery Clogging

The Cocks Are Alright - The Skanks Less So

In Tuesday's episode of the above average medical drama House, there was a scene involving a cock fight. Following the show, there was the obligatory disclaimer that no animals were harmed in the filming of the show.

I'm surprised there wasn't another disclaimer saying that the scene, which depicted many Mexicans, was not representative of Mexican or Hispanic people and that many Mexicans do not enjoy cock fighting. Get on that ACLU!

If House didn't prejudice you against immigrants from south of the border, "The Real World: Austin" foregoes a sub-plot to focus on Peruvian skank Johanna. Danny, Melinda, Rachel and Nehimiah are reduced to bit parts in an episode detailing Johanna's romantic problems related to a bartender named Leo.

Johanna's been alternately flirting with/ignoring Leo for the entire run of the show, but now she's decided to take it to the next level, despite the fact that Leo has a steady girlfriend. She brings him home for a make-out session. Meanwhile, freaky virgin Lacy channels Peter Sellers as Chauncey Gardner as she discovers all the rooms are wired with closed-circuit cameras.

The next evening, Johanna brings Leo back for full blown sex. This time our freaky virgin voyeur watches in person. In the morning, Johanna freaks out and leaves the house. Leo, now satisfied, goes back to his other girlfriend. Johanna spends the rest of the show crying about what a mistake she has made.

Meanwhile, big smelly Wes (you know it's true) uses his camera time to gleefully cheer the fact that since Johanna is emotionally spent from making a tramp of herself that the time is just right for him to befriend, then hit on her. I wouldn't wish that fate on Hitler.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Top 11 Reasons the Supreme Court Agreed to Hear Anna Nicole Smith's Lawsuit

Without even waiting for John Roberts to take the Chief Justice spot, the Supremes agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's case in her attempt to get a half-billion dollar chunk of her late husband's estate. Here are their reasons for agreeing to hear the case:

11. Thought it would help them prepare for a future case involving liability issues related to silicone breast implants

10. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has a crush on Anna

9. Anthony Kennedy jealous that Ted is the Kennedy who gets all the tail

8. Antonin Scalia wonders if Trimspa could help him too

7. Stephen Breyer was really embarrassed by the movie "The 40 Year-old Virgin," and thinks Anna might just be able to change his luck

6. John Paul Stevens notes that he's almost old enough to be in Anna's prime husband range

5. All justices agree that Anna is more interesting than listening to John Hinderacker

4. Clarence Thomas wants to compare movie reviews with her

3. David Souter has dreamed all his life of seeing a boobie

2. Sandra O'Connor is tired of all the male court members leering at her all day

1. The liberals on the bench wanted to make sure David Boise and Alan Dershowitz aren't the two biggest boobs ever to appear in front of the Supreme Court

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Former Klansman Robert Byrd (D-WV) Is Running For Re-Election To The United States Senate

The founder of the Crab Orchard, WV chapter of the Ku Klux Klan has announced his intention to run for re-election to the United States Senate. Here are his top 11 reasons for running:

11. So many crosses yet to burn

10. So many Federal buildings in West Virginia not yet named after him

9. If he leaves the Senate, who will represent the interests of former Klansmen?

8. Pork! Pork! Pork!

7. Trying to organize the Democratic caucus into a new KKK branch.

6. Still hoping to succeed in repealing the thirteenth amendment.

5. His Klan past diverts attention from his good friend Ted Kennedy’s past

4. Gets a kick out of making the race baiters in the Democratic Party look like hypocrites for supporting him.

3. No one else can get billions in federal hurricane relief money spent in West Virginia.

2. Wants another term so he can devote it to convincing the world that the KKK was never anything more than a peaceful, non-racist, social organization.

1. Karl Rove offered him 500,000 shares of Halliburton if he would run again.

Breaking Down the TV

JB takes some time off from his criticism of Bruce Springsteen to chastise me for a glaring omission in my TV roundup from last week:

The best new show is without a doubt the new documentary about Danny Bonaduce on VH1 (Tuesdays at 7 and 7:30 I think). He's totally insane and has no problem letting the entire world know about it. . . Good stuff.

The show is called "Breaking Bonaduce" and JB is correct in his estimate. With the flood of reality shows, it is hard sorting through the crap, but this is a real jewel.

To understand why I like this show, you must first understand why I love good reality TV. At its essence, reality TV is a desperate cry for help from losers who would do anything to become famous. While the desperation of these people is interesting, it is far less so than the desperation of the once famous to regain the love and affection of an audience. That's why I love shows featuring has-beens. "Celebrity Fit Club" is the perfect example. Here you have 8 tubs of lard who want to recapture their glory days. They never had much talent, so now they parade in front of the camera humiliating themselves as they try to lose weight. It's as if they are screaming, "Look at me! Please! I'll let you see my rolls of fat if only you'll look at me!"

BB is a great show along this vein. It stars Danny, his wife and his counselor (possibly a psychologist - they never get too specific). Each week they discuss one of Danny's many problems. The first week it was the fact that he has cheated on his wife. His wife is visibly pissed. Danny blames his cheating on being drugged up and drunk and claims that since he has sobered out, it will stop. Then he takes off for a week alone in Las Vegas. Intense stuff.

In the second show, we learn that he has shifted his obsessive behavior from drugs and booze to working out. In fact he is has become a personal trainer. One look at him shows that this story line has not been falsified. The best part is he's training a bunch of young women, and at least one of them is a porn star. The wife tells him (in front of the shrink) that he better dump the porn star and he agrees. The next week he sees the shrink alone. Shrink asks how the dumping went. Danny is incredulous. He explains that he just told his wife that he would dump the porn star to get said wife off his back. This way everybody wins. Then they show him shooting up on some steroids.

Truly must-see TV.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Stormy Weather – An Historical Analysis

Babs Streisand has declared a global warming emergency. Her evidence seems to be that two strong hurricanes have hit the United States in close succession. Drudge lists some of the other major hurricanes that have pummeled the United States without panicking our pop stars into calling for draconian environmental regulation, but how does this hurricane season compare to previous years?

The National Weather Service’s National Hurricane Center has compiled a list of all hurricanes that have made landfall on the United States since 1851. To quantify the hurricane severity of each year, I’ve summed up the category of each hurricane at the time it made landfall. For example, so far in 2005, we’ve had two category 3 hurricanes (Dennis and Rita) and one category 4 hurricane (Katrina) make landfall on the U. S. for a total score of 3+3+4=10. Here are the top 10 hurricane years based on this scale:

1. 1886 – 15 (2 cat 1; 3 cat 2; 1 cat 3; 1 cat 4)
2. 2004 – 14 (2 cat 1; 1 cat 2; 2 cat 3; 1 cat 4)
3. 1933 – 13 (2 cat 2; 3 cat 3)
1893 – 13 (1 cat 1; 1 cat 2; 2 cat 3; 1 cat 4)
5. 1909 – 12 (1 cat 1; 1 cat 2; 3 cat 3)
6. 1985 – 11 (3 cat 1; 1 cat 2; 2 cat 3)
1916 – 11 (3 cat 1; 1 cat 2; 2 cat 3)
8. 2005 – 10 (2 cat 3; 1 cat 4) so far, through Rita
1954 – 10 (2 cat 3; 1 cat 4)
10. 1964 – 9 (3 cat 2; 1 cat 3)
1926 – 9 (1 cat 2; 1 cat 3; 1 cat 4)
1915 – 9 (1 cat 1; 2 cat 4)

The last two years have indeed been active hurricane years. However, most climatologists attribute this to a normal hurricane cycle. This cycle can be observed in the following chart, where I add up the hurricane scores for each decade. The 2000’s are on pace to be the third most hurricaney decade, with a projected score of 47, behind the 1880’s (49) and the 1940’s (48). The least hurricaney decade was the (I assume) fossil fuel-free 1970’s (22).

Interesting aside: The longest period without a hurricane making landfall on the United States was during the Civil War, from November of 1861 to September 1865.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Are You Ready For Some Parlays - Mailing It In

Letters aplenty coming in around here. Tom refers to the 44-41 loss of my beloved Fightin' Irish to the Michigan State Spartans asks:

Any truth to the rumor that subject blog will be renamed "Nihilist on the Phone with the Suicide Hotline"?

In short, no. I am not suicidal, and certainly am not renaming the blog. While I am a Notre Dame partisan, I am also rational and understood all too well the weaknesses of my favorite team. I submit as evidence the fact that I recommended them as a preferred pick the week before the loss and do so again this week, but refrained from recommending them against Michigan State because of fear that this game might not go the right way. In short, I will go on a limb and suggest the Irish will finish the regular season with a record of 7-4. Any better and the program will be ahead of schedule.

I also recognize that my parlay record is 0-4 and my cumulative record is 4-8. If I can't turn things around soon, this bit will be relegated to the ash heap of history. Perhaps I am a pretender. So, like the Pretenders, my theme for the week will be "Back to Ohio," as lots of teams from Ohio should cover this week.

Now here are my picks for this week:

Notre Dame -13 @ Washington
Ohio State -7 v. Iowa
Ohio University -4 v. Kent State

Bengals -1 1/2 @ Bears
Browns +16 @ Colts
Eagles -7 1/2 v. Raiders

Friday, September 23, 2005

Top 11 Lyrics That Prove Bruce Springsteen Is A Leftist Scumbag (like Bruce Dickinson)

11. The question of honor you must decide
The soul of the nation has been denied
Our dreams have been stolen before our eyes
How do you say there's no tomorrow to a child?--"Native American"

10. Well the city supplied a public defender but the judge was Mean John Brown
He came into the courtroom and stared young Johnny down--"Johnny 99"

09. She slipped me out of her mouth, "You're ready," she said.
She took off her bra and panties, wet her finger, slipped it inside her--"Reno"

08. It ain't no secret
No secret my friend
You can get killed just for living
In your American skin--"American Skin"

07. Down from the mountain roads where the highway rolls to dark
'Neath Allah's blessed rain, we remain worlds apart--"Worlds Apart"

06. When you hear the children screaming whose brothers have died
You can murder in the name of freedom but you just can't hide--"The War Is Over"

05. Highway patrol choppers comin' up over the ridge
Hot soup on a campfire under the bridge
Shelter line stretchin' round the corner
Welcome to the new world order--"The Ghost of Tom Joad"

04. Now Tom said "Mom, wherever there's a cop beatin' a guy
Wherever a hungry newborn baby cries
Where there's a fight 'gainst the blood and hatred in the air
Look for me Mom I'll be there--"The Ghost of Tom Joad"

03. Now Raphael Rodriguez was just seven years old
Shot down in a schoolyard by some East Compton Cholos
His mamma cried "My beautiful boy is dead"
In the hills the self-made men just sighed and shook their heads--"Souls of the Departed"

02. Then came the shutdowns
And our whole world went black
Man said, "These jobs are goin' boys
And they ain't comin' back."

Me and Sill, we robbed a Stop and Shop
On a cold and windy night
I had my pistol
And I shot a boy in flight--"James Lincoln Deere"

01. Got in a little hometown jam
So they put a rifle in my hand
Sent me off to a foreign land
To go and kill the yellow man --"Born In The USA"

I rest my case.

Announcement: Nihilist In Golf Pants Appoints New Reader’s Rep

Editors Note: Nihilist in Golf Pants is proud to announce the appointment of our new reader’s rep, Sisyphus, who replaces some old guy.

Nihilist in Golf Pants continues to be the only blog that cares enough about its readers to appoint a Reader’s Rep. Sisyphus comes to the job with months of blogging experience and is relatively young. “I consider myself lucky to write for the only blog that cares about its readers. I look forward to addressing the concerns of our readers and helping to make the blog reading experience more enjoyable for all,” said Sisyphus.

(Because he doesn’t want to be excessively bothered by a bunch of whiney complainers, Sisyphus will continue his practice of not publishing his phone number or e-mail address. If you would like to contact the reader’s rep, leave a comment and maybe he will see it.)

Here is Sisyphus’ first reader’s rep post:

Pulling together football picks has got to be the most thankless job in the blogosphere, especially when attempting to pick games against a point spread. I am very proud of the football prognostication picks that have appeared in this blog, although it is true that the Nihilist’s recent picks have produced more angry reader reaction than a JB post on Lileks.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants is one of the hardest working football prognosticators in the blogosphere. It is a shame that he has to suffer the slings and arrows from outraged readers who took his advice. It may be true that his 1-5 performance week one was less than stellar, but even when he rebounded to a very respectable 3-3 many of you complained that you could no longer make money by betting the opposite of his picks. Some of you are intent on criticizing the Nihilist no matter how well he picks!

Hopefully, you will help restore the Nihilist’s self-esteem by nominating him for this Fall’s Rock Solid in the Blogosphere award.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's Been a Long Time Since I Mocked The Real World

Frankly, this class of Real Worlders has been pretty boring. Tonight's episode is slightly above average as it features a Real World staple: the arrest of a housemate. Here's a summary to get you caught up on the happenings by character:

Johanna - Drunken Peruvian bimbo - Tonight her part of the show is most entertaining as she gets arrested for stealing a carnation from a street vendor and being drunk and disorderly. Surprisingly, this will not be her most shameful episode of the season. A couple weeks ago, in a drunken stupor, she kissed roommate Big Ugly Wes.
Melinda - Star crossed lover of Danny - She is attractive, but as clingy as a burr on a wool sock. Therefore, she digs her paws in to loser Danny and demands a serious commitment from him, despite the fact that they've known each other for a month. Tonight, for the fifth straight episode she spends the entire show crying because Danny wanted to go out to the bars without her.

Danny - Kid who got his face punched in during episode 1; has affinity for wearing Elmer Fudd style caps and has no butt, but to Melinda he is Prince Charming - He is freaked out by Melinda's rush toward relationship. He obviously wants to break up with her, but fears her psychotic reaction. Spends much of the show reciting meaningless platitudes such as: I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I got that girl's phone number for another roommate.

Big Ugly Wes - Technically he's just called Wes - He doesn't do much tonight, except down 3 shots on the way out of the bar at 2 am and then decides to try to bail Johanna out of jail. Unfortunately he doesn't get what he deserves.

Lacey - Freaky goth virgin - Goes to the jail with a guy Johanna dates and bails her out the morning after her arrest.

Rachel - Chunky Iraq war vet with incredibly low self esteem and the desire to make out with every bar bouncer in town - Mostly hugs Melinda as she blubbers about Danny.

Nehimiah - Angry black kid- This isn't the episode where we explore his anger, so he is pretty much absent.

In other TV news:
- As expected the Emmys were a self-indulgent crapfest
- The second season of Arrested Development kicked off with a decent episode
- Medical drama House attempts to shed the predictable pattern (patient admitted/doctors misdiagnose making patient worse/doctors appear to solve problem/solution backfires patient about to die/Dr. House a breaks rule & saves the day) that each episode followed last year
- The Pilot episode of My Name Is Earl was unspectacular, but could improve
- In a big surprise, the premiere of The Office was moderately funny

Monday, September 19, 2005

My Confirmation Hearing

I’ve often thought that I would enjoy being a Supreme Court Justice. After watching the John Roberts confirmation hearings I think I would also enjoy the confirmation process. If President Bush decides to nominate me for Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat, the confirmation hearings would go something like this:

You admit that you never went to law school and are not a member of the bar. Your ABA rating is: Never Heard of the Guy. What makes you qualified to sit on the highest court in the land.

I can’t believe I have to defend my qualifications to the likes of you, Leahy. Sure, maybe I didn’t go to law school, but I did take the LSAT and scored very well. I don’t remember my exact score, but it was pretty good. And, I can name all of the dissenters in Roe vs. Wade. A lot of real lawyers can’t do that; I bet you can’t either, can you? Huh, can you? Didn't think so.

How dare you not kiss my ass. Can you at least give me an idea on what your judicial philosophy will be?

Sure, I will examine each case from the perspective of Halliburton. I will support whichever outcome I believe will most enhance the value of Halliburton’s stock.

How dare you not kiss my ass. No more questions until you agree to kiss my ass.

Okay, let’s turn the questioning over to Senator Kennedy.

ZZZZZzzzzz snnnnnnnnnoorkk guuuuurrrrrrrglle

Ted, hey Ted, you’re up.

Snnorkkk, huh? Oh, right. Eh, good morning, er judge, or whatever you are. I would like to ask you about some of your writings.

On May 2, 2005 you had a post, the Top 11 Skanks of All Time. All of the chicks listed are hot little numbers and I’ve done a lot of them.

That’s what makes them skanks. I hope they were at least sensible enough to avoid riding in a car with you.

What? What did you say?

*cough* *Chappaquiddick* *cough*

I have no moral authority to ask anymore questions.

Right, Senator Durbin.

I will put and end to this charade right here and now. Let’s cut right to the chase. How do you explain these documents? Staff, please show these two documents to the witness.

This is my baptismal certificate and this is my confirmation certificate.

So you admit it! What church were they issued by?

St. Pius X church.

And, what denomination is that church?

Roman Catholic.

Aha! Consider yourself Borked! No further questions, I rest my case!

Uh, okay, next is Senator Biden.

Hey, is that Fred Thompson sitting behind you? He used to be here in the Senate but now he’s on TV, on that show CSP: New York. I think that’s great; some days I wish I could be on TV, ha, ha. I mean TV that people actually watch, ha, ha. Hey, Fred, could you get me the autograph of ADA Southerlyn? Hey, I have a great story idea for the show. It involves a distinguished Senator who has a hot romance with ADA Southerlyn, and then solves the crime. It would be one of the times where you get a conviction. Hey, I could be both the detective who solved the crime, and the Senator who argued the case and got the conviction. I’m sure you can work out all of the other details.

Hey, is that a Hawaiian shirt you’re wearing? I love Hawaii. Remember those old Elvis movies set in Hawaii, like
Clambake? I’d like to meet Elvis sometime, because I have a great idea for a movie. He would play a crooning race car driver who happened to be a United States Senator. Anyway, back to Clambake, I think clams are very tasty, especially those clam tails. I’ve never been to a clam bake, but I bet it would be fun. Especially if Elvis was there, and that hot chick from the movie. You know, the one who played Coach’s wife on “Coach”. Can you believe she married that wimpy guy from MASH, you know, Hawkeye. Do you know Elvis?

Could you repeat the question please, Senator?

Sure, but if you want to be on the Supreme Court you should pay closer attention to what the Senators are saying. I’m a Senator, and have been for a long time, although a lot of people think I would make an even better President. One of the other branches of our government is the Supreme Court, and that’s an important branch. You want to be on the Supreme Court. Someone said you were from Minnesota. What’s wrong with those Vikings? I wouldn’t have traded Moss if I were the Vikings, they can’t score at all now. Of course, Moss only plays when he wants to play, but those 150 yard touchdown catches look pretty good now don’t they. Did you know that in Europe, they call soccer football? I think we should start calling football, soccer and soccer, football. Those Europeans are pretty sharp, I hope you listen to them when you are on the Supreme Court. In soccer they’re only allowed to use their feet, so it makes sense to call it football. (Why don’t they call it feetball? They can use both feet.) And it makes sense to call football, soccer because in football you hit people. You know, like you sock them. Now that Mia Hamm is one great role model for young women, she’s a feetballer. Too bad she married that hockey player. You know hockey, they have those strange rules like …

Your time is up Senator Biden. Senator Schumer?

So, are you a wise guy?

Why yes I am, Senator.

Damn, you got us again. Since none of us have been able to lay a glove on you, what could we ask you about that would trip you up?

Well, it was a long time ago, but you could ask me about the time I founded a branch of the KKK.

(Schumer does a touchdown-celebration dance)
I knew it! You’re a racist, anti-Semite! That’s it for you! All of you Republicans are racist klansmen! It doesn’t matter how long ago, you’re out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Now we can filibuster!

Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t me who founded the KKK chapter, that was Senator Robert Byrd.

Uh, I’m sure that was a long time ago and he’s proven that he’s not a racist by being a Democrat.

Well, I guess it’s time to vote.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Top 11 Worst Coaches in Minnesota Sports History

Everyone is calling for Mike Tice's head after the Vikings latest disgraceful loss. But just where does Iron Mike rank in the pantheon of all-time Minnesota sports futility? Here is my list:

11. Scott Ulger- Twins hitting coach '00s - lower rank because of assistant status. He's really got the boys banging the ball around the park.
10. Frank Quilicy - Twins manager '70's - he took a division winner and made them also ran's.
9. Dan Monson - Gopher basketball '00s - Gopher hoops has become irrelevant under his watch.
8. Sid Lowe - Timberwolves '90s - No players and no clue.
7. Bob Schnelker - Vikings offensive coordinator '80s - Remember when coach Burnsie got mad at the fans because they made Schnelker cry? This guy may have been the all-time worst assistant coach.
6. Jimmy Rodgers - Timberwolves '90s - Main reason for rating this high was his Robert Reid hairdoo, but he consistently lost tons of games too.
5. Cheryl Littlejohn - Gopher women's basketball '90s - Rates low because women's basketball is boring. She took a team that made the NCAA tournament down to one Big 10 win a year. As soon as she was gone they were back in the NCAAs.
4. Joe Salem - Gopher Football '80s - He came in promising Rose Bowls, instead 70 point losses marked the Salem regime.
3. Mike Tice - Vikings '00s - Fortunately, he won't be here much longer than the nice weather.
2. Jim Wacker - Gopher Football '90s - He had all of Lou Holtz's enthusiasm and a defense that gave up 50 points again.
1. Les Steckel - Vikings '85 - A would-be tough guy who knew less about coaching than anyone ever associated with Minnesota sports.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Paul Mirengoff Is Stealing My Bit – And Turnabout Is Fair Play

Paul Mirengoff of Power Line has written a top 10 list on the differences between Hugh Hewitt and Sid Blumenthal. Clearly he is stealing my bit (although he was too lazy to come up with eleven). Out of professional courtesy, I had refrained from soccer blogging. Well, that’s out the window now.

This Monday, my Everton Football Club takes on hated Arsenal at hated Arsenal Stadium. The question is how many of our top hooligans will be able to make the trip. Those who didn’t end up in jail after Thursday’s 5-1 loss at Dinamo Bucharest are still incredibly hung over. Arsenal’s hooligan’s are known for their ability to get drunk quickly. I fear that the Everton lads may have built up too much alcohol resistance. How many more pints will it take for our lads to get inebriated? Without some heroic drinking, I fear that the Everton hooligans face the real possibility of being relegated from the premier pubs.

Top 11 Real Reasons All Of Those Minneapolis Bars Went Out Of Business

Our good friend Marcus Aurelius at Clearing the Air lists the 19 bars that have gone out of business since the Hennepin County smoking ban has gone into effect. Unfortunately, Marcus has a one-track anti-smoking ban mind and is unwilling to consider other possible causes. So, here are the top 11 real reasons all of those Minneapolis bars have gone out of business:

11. Global Warming
10. Now that Randy Moss has been traded to Oakland, no one wants to go to a bar to watch the Vikings.
9. Karl Rove must have wanted them out of business
8. We haven’t expanded light rail to bring customers to the bars.
7. These bar bankruptcies occur every time Atomizer goes out of town for a couple of weekends.
6. Bar patrons were afraid that the radon levels in the bars would give them lung cancer.
5. If there were an outdoor Twins stadium in Minneapolis, those bars would still be in business.
4. Insurance costs have skyrocketed now that the Hatch daughters are back in town.
3. Not enough illegal aliens to work in the kitchen.
2. An unexplained increase in the number of yuppies ordering bottled water drove out the drinking patrons.
1. Who cares, alcohol is evil too.

Are You Ready For Some Parlays? - Week 2

OK, last week was not stellar. Here are my parlays for this week (odds again courtesy of USA Today's Opening Line). This week I like the dogs:

Jaguars +9 1/2 @ Colts
49ers + 13 1/2 @ Eagles
Browns +7 1/2 @ Packers

Air Force -2 v. Wyoming
Army +5 v. Baylor
Florida State +1 1/2 @ Boston College

Friday, September 16, 2005

Top 11 Reasons the Renee Zellweger – Kenny Chesney Marriage Failed After Only Five Months

11. Renee was thought she was marrying Garth Brooks.

10. Kenny finally got around to seeing “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”.

9. Renee just didn’t find Kenny’s tractor sexy anymore.

8. Renee didn’t realize there would be so much country music involved.

7. Surpassing the 20 months that Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett were married just seemed too daunting.

6. They were carried away by the romance of the tsunami relief effort.

5. Renee threw out Kenny’s old blue chair.

4. Kenny couldn’t get over the fact that Renee used to date Jim Carrey.

3. You can’t expect a big star like Renee Zellweger to stay with someone who got four fewer CMA Award nominations than Brad Paisley.

2. Two words: Angelina Jolie

1. It turns out he didn’t have her at “hello”.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Hurricane Rescue of Movie Star Sean Penn

Listen, my children, and I’ll tell you again
Of the rescue mission of movie star Sean Penn,
On the fifth of September, in Aught-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who’s failed to enjoy this moment of Zen.

Sean said to his agent, “Leaks have sprung in the levee;
I’ll make ‘em forget I ever played Spicoli.
Find me a strong and sturdy boat,
And don’t forget to call the press,
Maybe I’ll even give them a quote” .

Oh to hear what Madonna will say,
When she hears of the hero she let slip away!
He’ll troll the streets of the Big Easy
Not even feeling the least bit queasy,
As he saves those caught in the hurricane sea.

Deep in his heart dwelt a contempt for Bush,
Sean knew the shrub would move too slow.
But instead of waiting to I-told-you-so,
Movie Star Sean Penn got off his tush.
With his posse at his side,
His wife no doubt bursting with pride,
Filling the FEMA breach was his goal,
Little did he know – the boat had a hole.

“Oh dear God, how could it be?
Why do these things always happen to me?”
But it was not in Sean to despair,
Not when he’s needed for the repair.
In the boat was a noble red cup,
Things were starting to brighten up:
With it the water he did bail out,
But what is that Mr. Penn does spy?
A man with a camera, damn that lout,
Sean should punch him in the eye!
But it’s much too late to defuse,
That picture will make tomorrow’s news.
The bloggers will laugh at his gaff,
As they sit at home on their ass.

Through all our history, to the last,
In the hour of darkness and peril and need,
The people will flip to the news at ten
Where they’ll find a chuckle in the lead:
The heroic antics of the Mighty Penn.

Hail to the Victor

The poll regarding the feud between JB Doubtless and Learned Foot was closer than anyone could have imagined. In fact, it brought back memories of the most hotly contested election of my lifetime, which took place just a few years ago.

Of course, I am speaking of the titanic struggle between good and evil: Reuben Studdard's controversial defeat of Clay Aiken in the second season of American Idol. It is a strange coincidence indeed, especially since JB is a dead ringer for Clay, if he ever tried to grow a beard. To this day, people still dispute Reuben's narrow victory.

In our poll, neither combatant ever led by more than a handful of votes. The lead changed hands as each posted their argument and linked their website in an attempt to drive their suporters to the polls. I am sure there will be claims of voter fraud and intimidation.

Finally a supreme authority, namely me, ruled that the election is over, putting a stop to the hopes of one of our contestants. I am here to announce that the winner is JB Doubtless, by a score of 75-73. If I had allowed the polling to go on, there is little reason to doubt that the lead may have changed hands again and again. However, America needs a result and we cannot allow this vote to go on indefinitely. Besides, I am awarding JB a victory in lieu of a wedding gift.

However, the prize of the #1 spot on my top 11 list of favorite blogs will not go to Fraters as a result of JB's victory. In my original post I clearly spelled out the stakes:

To sweeten the pot, the winner's blog, either Fraters Libertas or The Kool Aid Report (currently ranked #2 and #1, respectively), will receive the #1 ranking on the Nihilist's list of top 11 blogs. That is unless the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team begins the year with a couple of wins, then it will be ND Nation, baby!

Unlike JB, the Irish have posted decisive victories over the past two weeks and are therefore ascending to the coveted #1 spot. They will remain there either until the point of a Notre Dame gridiron loss or until V-Toed Bill changes his handle to "Nihilist Wannabee."

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Why Captain Ed Is Featured in Playboy Magazine

11. They were doing a feature on Call Center Managers of the Midwest.

10. Hef trying to wrangle an invitation to the Captain's Quarters Mansion.

9. David Strom turned them down for moral reasons.

8. The writer wanted to feature Saint Paul, but Hef nixed that out of jealousy.

7. A live blogger is needed for the next Playboy Mansion party.

6. Hindrocket and the Big Trunk were thought more appropriate for a Playgirl article.

5. If Playboy is ever banned in Canada they want to be able to use Captain's Quarters to reach their Canadian customers.

4. Dafydd ab Hugh is actually Hugh Heffner's nom de blog.

3. Word leaked out that People Magazine was about to name Ed "Sexiest Man Alive" and they wanted to get on the bandwagon first.

2. It was the best forum to announce Ed's promotion to Rear Admiral.

1. They were just using Ed to get to Michelle Malkin.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Top 11 Questions I Would Ask John Roberts If I Were On The Senate Judiciary Committee

11. Keeping in mind that you are under oath, give me your best estimate of Senator Biden’s IQ.
10. Give me three examples each where you were sexist, racist, or mean to puppies – and don’t try to dodge the question.
9. Hypothetically, if someone bet on a college football team and honestly didn’t know that said team had recently hired David Wannstedt as head coach, should the naïve bettor be given a refund by the casino?
8. Do you side with, JB Doubtless and Sharon Osbourne or Learned Foot and Iron Maiden?
7. Would you allow your kids to visit the Neverland Ranch while Michael Jackson was present?
6. Is it just me or does Schumer look just like Tony Soprano?
5. Which do you prefer, comforting the comfortable or afflicting the afflicted?
4. Should the Randy Moss trade be nullified on the grounds that it is unconscionable?
3. Quien es mas macho, Senador Kohl o Senador Feinstein?
2. As Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, what will you do to pump up Halliburton’s stock price?
1. You’re not going to pull a Souter, are you?

Top 11 Michael Brown Resume Pads

11. Inspired Mick Jaeger to write “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
10. Cured cancer
9. Nobel Prize in Coolness
8. Captain, USS Jimmy Carter
7. Sex worker of the year, Berlin Legal Brothel Association
6. Field Marshall, Delta Force
5. Gave David Letterman the idea for the Top 10 list
4. Was Hugh Hewitt’s law school roommate
3. Was the Fifth Beatle and Fourth Power Line contributor
2. Foiled David Strom’s plan to blow up the Treasury Building
1. Once successfully managed an emergency

Monday, September 12, 2005

Top 11 Reasons The Vikings Are Better Without Randy Moss

11. Fans at the Metrodome able to remain seated throughout entire game.

10. The kids in wheelchairs in the end zone were running out of space to store the balls Moss gave them after scoring.

9. Television viewers no longer subjected to clichés from announcers on all the "weapons in the Vikings arsenal."

8. Radio listeners no longer subjected to PA's histrionic calls on Moss touchdowns.

7. Defense gets more rest with lengthy "ball control" drives resulting in field goals rather than those annoying quick strike touchdowns.

6. Dante's arm doesn't get sore from throwing deep balls.

5. Room on roster to sign less-talented, more-troubled wide receiver Koren Robinson.

4. Vikings new strategy of losing as a team rather than winning with individual talent is inspiration for Pop Warner teams everywhere.

3. Vikings finally able to focus offensive attack on the vaunted "Kleinsasser Option."

2. Anemic Moss-less offense lowers fans expectations early in season thus reducing level of disappointment when team fails to win Super Bowl yet again.

1. After going 6-10 this season, head coach Mike Tice certain to be canned and Vikings can begin rebuilding process.

Are You Ready For Some Excuses?

My first week of parlay advice was less than stellar. I went 1-5. However, the one win was a big win! Notre Dame not only covered, they beat Michigan outright, proving that I am not just a shameless homer. Serious game analysis shows the Fightin' Irish are back. They may not be contenders for the national title yet, but things are definitely heading in the right direction.

On the other hand, the Minnesota Vikings laid an egg at home, losing to the awful Tampa Bay Buccaneers despite being favored, so maybe I am a bit of a homer. We will do better next week.

Vegas Observations

I’ve been in Las Vegas for the last couple of days now, back for the first time since September 10, 2001. Here are some of my observations.

* Sadly, what I’ve often feared has finally coming to pass – Vegas is starting to become over-commercialized.

* I’m sure the Mafia deserves most of the criticism they receive, but you’ve got to admit: they sure know how to run a strip club.

* There is much less traffic on the strip at 9 AM Friday than at 2 AM Friday.

* It is foolish to travel to foreign countries when you can go to Las Vegas and experience in just a few blocks: Paris (without the rudeness), Rio (without the crime), New York City (without the smell), The Middle East (without the terrorism), and Venice, Northern Italy, and Ancient Rome (without French tourists). Plus, all of the cocktail waitresses wear skimpy uniforms.

* It is a strong indication that your sports betting is not going well when your most profitable pick of the weekend is the Gopher football team.

* The following suck: Dave Wannstedt and Pitt, Johan Santana and the Twins, the Denver Broncos, the Carolina Panthers, Chad Henne and Michigan (they suck most of all), blackjack and the laws of probability.

* As mediocre as my sports betting was, it could have been much, much, worse had I not followed this maxim: Do not surf the web in Vegas lest you become tempted to follow the Nihilist’s football picks.

* Many people don’t realize it, but Las Vegas does have Churches. In fact, the Catholic Cathedral of Las Vegas is located right on the strip (near the Wynn casino). Las Vegas churches often have impressive services thanks to the number of professional performers who are parishioners. For example, the cantor at the mass I attended had such an impressive voice that he must have a job singing in one of the shows. Also, I understand that the Unitarian Service contains an excellent topless revue.

* 105 degrees is hot even if it is a dry heat.

* New Orleans cops really know how to party.

* I assume that the wedding of JB Doubtless and the Doubtlessette went off without a hitch as neither turned up in Vegas.

* Prostitution is legal in parts of Nevada, but not in the city of Las Vegas.

* “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” should not be a mere guideline, but an ironclad law enforced by the government with every resource at its disposal.

* For the first time in years, I saw a cigarette machine.

* If you don’t properly apply sunscreen, you can put a serious damper on your trip.

* No matter how long you’re staying, there is never enough time to visit the Hoover Dam.

* Blackjack dealer Rona never busts and regularly gets blackjacks.

* It is very easy to go four days in Vegas without hearing any non-sports related news.

* It is also very easy to get a good meal in Vegas.

* It is inevitable that you will tire of the sound of slot machines.

* There are surprisingly few decent Elvis impersonators in Vegas.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Song Parody Remains The Same

Many readers have e-mailed that while they love the Johnny Cash parodies, they would prefer some more from the genre of classic rock. Here's one from the Led Zeppelin classic, "When the Levee Breaks."

When the hurricaine came, the news coverage had to break
When Katrina came, the news coverage had to break
When the news coverage break, they want to give George Bush the blame

Mean old George Bush, the media weep and moan
Lord, mean old George Bush, the media weep and moan
Sat on vacation as all of you lost your homes

Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.
It will make you feel sad
When they call you "refugee"
The definition is vague, you know
They'd rather put you on a bus
For a full day or two
And take you to the Astrodome

Kanye can't help you, maybe you ought to loot
Kanye can't help you, maybe you ought to loot
Corrupt police got the permission to shoot

All last night, anchors on CNN moaned
All last night, anchors on CNN moaned
Talkin' bout how George Bush cost you your homes

Hey, Hey there Geraldo!
I'll bet you've got water!
Oprah, she's coming to help you.

They're on the ground, on the ground now.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Are You Ready For Some Parlays?

As a service for NIGP readers, I am offering up my expertise on some three team parlays for both college and pro football season. This will be a weekly feature until I tire of it. This is for amusement purposes only. Here are my picks (odds published in USA Today Opening Odds):

Vikings -6 v. Buccaneers
Broncos -4 @ Dolphins
Titans +7 @ Steelers

Notre Dame +7 @ Michigan
Temple +34 @ Wisconsin
Iowa -8 1/2 @ Iowa State

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Top 11 Reasons I Wore the Wellstone! Shirt

11. I'll wear anything given to me for free
10. I never wore it, I am the victim of a bad photoshop job
9. After getting a link from Norwegianity, I wanted to appease my new liberal readers
8. The NARN guys wouldn't let me be on their show unless I wore it
7. The green color compliments my eyes
6. It's fun to put it on and then infiltrate the DFL booth at the fair - One guy even bowed down to me - TRUE STORY
5. Wanted to see the surprised look of Congressman Kennedy when I voiced my enthusiastic support of his Senate campaign
4. Lost my bet that JB Doubtless wouldn't ever find a woman to marry him
3. It's fun to wear it in public along with my "Savage Nation" hat and watch the confused looks on peoples' faces
2. Proof that one can get black-out drunk on 3.2% Summit - Damned Fraters and their pranks
1. Since my lobotomy my sartorial habits have drastically changed

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Don't You Just Hate Clip Shows?

The NIGP anniversary celebration continues with a look back at my Top 11 posts in the history of the site:

11. The first post ever on the blog
10. Sisyphus joins the blog
9. Sisyphus' first top 11 list
8. Sisyphus' top 11 reasons Bush is worse than Hitler
7. Snubbed by the Governor
6. Sisyphus live-blogs his day off
5. My post on the guy who wrote a PHD thesis on Fantasy Island
4. Sisyphus post that launched the Hughlanche
3. My first top 11 list announcing my candidacy for pope
2. After a spat I banish Sisyphus to Guantanimo
1. Killer Rabbit Day produces a major posting frenzy

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

You Might Be A Liberal

Learned Foot is quickly becoming the Johnnie Cochrane of blogging. His sad attempts to save his teenage idol Bruce Dickinson from being known as a lefty are failing worse than his jokes on Sunday night.

So again, all you have to know is that Bruce made the following comments in a couple of fairly recent interviews:

I hate Walmart, and I hate the corporatization of everything in America. I despise it. People need to have their minds made up for them, at this moment, and they need to liberate themselves from that. It drives me nuts.


I was a kid and brought up with the Apollo missions. What I thought was cool was the whole concept that people were just doing all this because it was there. It was an exploration. Then I realized it had nothing to do with exploration, it was about domination of some other country and putting nuclear bombs in space. It sucks.

As I said on the KAR site, anyone who mentions "The corporatization of America" or thinks the Apollo missions were some kind of evil plot to "Put nuclear bombs in space" is a leftist.


I thought so.

I'm Feeling Thankful for the Small Things Today

Nihilist in Golf Pants is one year old today. To celebrate, I've set the site template to multi-color. There will be much reminiscing. However, here I want to go into a bit of the history of this site for those who weren't with us from the beginning.

I have been friends with the Fraters Libertas guys since long before they started blogging. When they did start, I generally mocked them. Ultimately, I was proven wrong and they became a part of the Northern Alliance Radio Network (NARN) on AM 1280, The Patriot.

In 2004, NARN pulled double duty at the fair. With six extra hours of material needed, Brian and Chad and I discussed doing a bit for one of the radio shows. The bit was an indignant rant by Brian against Garrison Keillor. Keillor had just written a hate-filled piece about how all Republicans were evil. He had a list of the types of people who were Republicans: hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn. . .

Brian read off these names Keillor used one at a time and ask the crowd if they were represented there. When no one answered, he would explain that Keillor believes that we are evil people, while the entire time getting paid to lecture us with a pile of our tax dollars. Finally, when he asked if there were any Nihilists in Golf Pants, I stepped forward (actually wearing golf pants) and we conducted an interview where I portrayed an elitist a-hole.

The bit finished and NARN went to commercial. After commercial, NARN was doing another bit, a call out to all local bloggers, giving each about a minute to plug their blog. Brian suggested it would be funny if I was first up and claimed that I ran the "Nihilist in Golf Pants" blog. I did, and we got a few laughs.

Later, I actually set up the blog on a lark. My first post was intended to be my only post. Every week at Keegans, friends would ask about the blog and if I was posting again. Then one day, a young man called Sisyphus asked a question about the death of Jacques Derrida and the marriage of Tiger Woods. I responded, and then started occasionally posting. I ended up eventuallyly bringing Sisyphus on, and he is now the straw that stirs the drink at this blog. I believe he is the funniest person on the internet. In August, he got over 7,000 hits on this post, thanks to a link by Hugh Hewitt.

So that brings us up to date. Now, we basicallyly post daily. I suppose that I need mention that we are a satirical blog and that most of the time, we are just screwing around and trying to make our audience laugh. I hope we succeed.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Dueling Top 11 Lists

Recently I posted a poll on the feud between JB Doubtless and Learned Foot. Since this is a holiday weekend, it looks like most of you haven't gotten around to voting yet. Or, like me, you may not be able to make up your mind. In an attempt to help you,, I have constructed two top 11 lists: each filled with reasons to support one side. I hope this helps:

Top 11 Reasons to Support JB Doubtless
11. The National Review reports that Bruce Dickinson said both sides were at fault during the cold war
10. With diatribes on record against punk rock and Bruce Springsteen, as well as a feud with Lileks, JB knows about confrontation
9. Learned Foot's case relies on second-hand testimony from 1991
8. Learned Foot was unable to successfully argue a legal question against non-lawyer Sisyphus
7. JB's case relies on several eyewitnesses from the event
6. JB's hatred against singers named Bruce is well founded (consider: Springsteen, Hornsby, Willis)
5. Listening to "The Elvis Channel" for the entirety of his bachelor party showcases JB's excellent knowledge of music
4. Learned Foot thinks Puke & Snot are funny, showcasing his poor judgment
3. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats
2. Ozzy Rules!
1. Learned Foot is a shyster attorney

Top 11 Reasons To Support Learned Foot
11. The National Review Online backs up his assertion that conservatives should like Iron Maiden
10. With diatribes on record against virtually everyone on the internet and too many feuds to mention, Learned Foot knows about confrontation
9. The Ohligarch supports Learned Foot
8. JB Doubtless was drunk on Maker's Mark when he made his accusation
7. JB's case relies on a drugged out guitar player who is dependent on Sharon Osbourne for his paycheck
6. JB has a history of hatred for singers named Bruce
5. With influences ranging from the Starland Vocal Band to Iron Maiden, Learned Foot has a diverse knowledge of music
4. JB is on record supporting TGI Fridays and Budweiser, showcasing his poor judgment
3. Dementee will bite your head off if you support JB
2. Sharon Osbourne is an unstable media whore
1. Rosie O'Donnel's facial hair is more manly than JB's

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Top 11 Ways George W. Bush Could Have Prevented Hurricane Katrina

11. He could have asked Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore to go to the gulf in hopes that their combined gravitational field would deflect the hurricane away from New Orleans.
10. He could have sacrificed one of his daughters to the hurricane gods.
9. He could have forced Halliburton to stop suppressing their anti-hurricane machine.
8. Since a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can lead to a hurricane, Bush could have urged the eradication of all butterflies in the Amazon on the off chance it would have prevented Katrina.
7. He could have ratified Kyoto and destroyed our economy on the off chance it would have prevented Katrina.
6. He could have summoned Superman to blow the storm back into the Gulf of Mexico.
5. If Karl Rove really wanted to prevent the hurricane, I’m sure he could have found a way.
4. He could have consulted Senate Democrats on their ideas for hurricane prevention.
3. If our troops weren’t in Iraq, they could have shot the hurricane, or something.
2. He could have banned the use of “Hurricane” as a sports team nickname.
1. He could have asked the UN for a resolution preventing Katrina from making landfall.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Who Do You Believe

After struggling for days to determine which side to support in the great JB Doubtless/Learned Foot (or Sharon Osbourne/Iron Maiden) feud, I am still at a loss. So I decided to emulate a great American: Bill Clinton. When Clinton faced difficult choices, he often decided policy by conducting a public opinion polls.

Therefore I am setting up a poll on the right side of this blog. To sweeten the pot, the winner's blog, either Fraters Libertas or The Kool Aid Report (currently ranked #2 and #1, respectively), will receive the #1 ranking on the Nihilist's list of top 11 blogs. That is unless the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team begins the year with a couple of wins, then it will be ND Nation, baby!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Top 11 French Contributions To Hurricane Katrina Relief

11. A supply of white surrender flags that can be used to signal rescue helicopters.
10. A contingent of unemployed “Oil for Food” bureaucrats to help better organize the looters.
9. Cheese that tastes the same whether it is spoiled or not.
8. A shipload of surplus deodorant.
7. An elite team of waiters to sneer at the evacuees’ choice of bottled water.
6. A squad of French Generals willing to share their expertise in retreating from a city.
5. An offer to rename a portion of Paris “The New Orleans Quarter”.
4. Cartons of old Jerry Lewis VHS tapes that can be used to fill in levee breeches.
3. Helpful suggestions like: “Let them drink champagne”.
2. A pledge to release vegetable oil from their strategic reserve to help fuel Jane Fonda’s peace bus.
1. A reminder that they already helped us in the Revolutionary War and gave us the Statue of Liberty.

Top 11 Actual Reasons I Haven’t Posted in Nearly A Week

11. Trying to see how long I have to be disappeared before Fox News devotes its entire prime-time schedule to me.
10. Still haven’t recovered from the Nihilist’s “We’ve got to live in this town!” tirade.
9. Honoring the Northwest Mechanic’s picket line.
8. Every time I start to write a post it turns into an inappropriate hurricane joke.
7. I don’t want to interfere with the Nihilist’s plan to attract links from liberal bloggers.
6. I like to create an aura of mystery around myself.
5. Hugh Hewitt nixed my plan to urge hurricane relief donations to “The Human Fund”.
4. Jimmy Carter has been quiet lately.
3. Just emulating the posting habits of some of my favorite bloggers: St. Paul, Atomizer, JB Doubtless, V-Toed Bill, Margaret Martin, David Strom, and Calamity Jo.
2. Couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get paid by Sharon Osbourne to pelt Iron Maiden with garbage.
1. Karl Rove’s e-mail has been down

Top 11 Reasons Sisyphus Hasn't Posted

Sisyphus hasn't posted in nearly a week. Here are the top 11 possible reasons:

11. Thoroughly investigation of the JB Doubtless/Learned Foot Feud taking 100% of his time
10. Fled the country just before being nabbed by the IRS
9. Swept away by Katrina
8. His internet connection failed
7. In California partying with his good friend Hugh Hewitt
6. In Scandinavia on a secret scouting mission for Doug Lucia
5. In hiding after his attempt on the life of "Suge" Knight failed
4. Went to Florida to assist Cheri Pierson Yecke
3. In hiding until the Minnesota State Fair ends
2. Hazelden
1. No one's seen him since he left Keegan's with PinkMonkeyBird

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Run For The Hills

Two of my favorite bloggers are engaged in a war of words over a feud between two prominent heavy metal acts. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with Ronnie James Dio.

First, JB Doubtless tells the tale of the Ozzfest feud between Sharon Osbourne and Iron Maiden. He sides with Sharon, who accuses Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson of anti-American talk, including jabs at the US space program, Corporate America and JB's personal sacred cow, Wal-Mart. JB offers a variety of sources for his accusations, most who had some connection to the feud.

Of course, this doesn't sit well with Learned Foot, perhaps the #1 Maiden fan in the blogosphere. He accuses JB of being duped and brings in the National Review as well as others who are familiar with Maiden's history.

I will be doing a thorough investigation of the issue before I form a final opinion. I suggest you do the same. Ultimately, I suspect professional arbitration will be required to get to the bottom of what really happened.