Friday, May 29, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Sonia Sotomayor Believes Her Background Makes Her A Better Judge Than White Males

11. She can give taco kisses

10. The controversial Jets v. Sharks case expected to reach the Court next year

9. She actually understands the rules to cock-fighting

8. Still remembers the pain associated with the day "Chico and the Man" was cancelled

7. Salsa is a far superior condiment to ketchup

6. Her knowledge of Cheech and Chong movies give her extra insight into war on drugs issues

5. Have you ever seen white men dance?

4. Having attended Catholic schools, she understands torture

3. Her spicy personality is bound to liven up John Paul Stevens

2. Believes that cops "don't need no stinkin' badges!"

1. She like to be in America, OK by she in America, everything free in America

Friday, May 22, 2009

Top 11 Reasons That Anti-Strib Is Closing Up Shop

11. For some reason our culture has lost its appetite for irreverence

10. No one wants to look at pictures of hot chicks on the internet anymore

9. They feel their efforts are being duplicated by the Claremont Review of Books

8. Reached a tipping point when they had more contributors than readers

7. Turned out their idea of "reasoned debate" was different than that of people who have an IQ higher than a chunk of basalt

6. Someone called them names

5. Moving to a medium more conducive to their style, CB radio

4. Found that the constipated semiliterate rage niche of the blogosphere was more crowded than they thought

3. Turns out they actually were complete assholes

2. Soros pulled their funding after deciding that they had embarrassed conservatives enough

1. New FCC regulation required them to start Hot GLBT Friday

Friday, May 15, 2009

Top 11 Other Excuses Nancy Pelosi Has for Approving Water Boarding in 2002

11) She was under the impression the CIA was talking about taking the prisoners surfing

10) The CIA kidnapped her the night before and forced her to watch a "24" marathon

9) She thought these were techniques being used ON the Bush Administration, not BY the Bush Administration

8) Had her eyes on an earmark for Jack Murtha's nephew who works for a water board manufacturing company

7) Afraid she would lose her free military jet privileges if she didn't approve

6) Karl Rove hypnotized her

5) Back in 2002 the Democrats hadn't yet decided to make opposing torture a political issue

4) Hoping to get an all expenses paid fact-finding junket to Cuba out of the deal

3) Listening to Toby Keith music on her iPod during the briefing, caught up in blood-lusting, jingoistic fervor

2) She thought she was approving a new form of partial birth abortion

1) She thought water boarding sounded more Green than applying electricity to gonads

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Purple Favre

To the tune of “Purple Rain”

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 retire in the 1st place
I only wanted 2 see Ted Thompson crying
I only wanted 2 see u cheering for the Purple Favre

Purple Favre, Purple Favre
Purple Favre, Purple Favre
Purple Favre, Purple Favre

I only wanted 2 see u winning in the Super Bowl

I never wanted 2 be a Cheesey QB
I only wanted 2 be your purple hero
Teddy would never let me away from the Cheese
Its such a shame I had to stay there for so long

Purple Favre, Purple Favre
Purple Favre, Purple Favre
Purple Favre, Purple Favre

I only want 2 see u winning in the Super Bowl

Purple, I know, I know, I know times are changing
Its time the Vikes reach out 4 something new
That means Percy 2

U say u want a leader
But u can’t seem 2 find your QB

I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the Super Bowl

Purple Favre, Purple Favre
Purple Favre, Purple Favre

If you know what I’m singing about up here
Madden, raise your hand

Purple Favre, Purple Favre

I only want 2 see u, only want 2 win 4 u
In the Super Bowl

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Top 11 Other Pick-Up Lines That Would Lure John Edwards

From the New York Daily News:

[Elizabeth] Edwards told Winfrey how Hunter used a tawdry pick-up line to lure her husband.

"What John said is that this woman spotted him in the hotel in which he was staying. He was meeting someone in the restaurant bar area and she verified with someone who he worked with that it was John," she said.

"John went to dinner at a nearby restaurant and when he walked back to the hotel she was standing in front of the hotel. She said to him, 'You are so hot."

Top 11 Other Pick-Up Lines That Would Lure John Edwards

11) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

10) You are way hotter than John Kerry.

9) You look like a man who needs to exercise his franking privilege.

8) You know, my room has floor to ceiling mirrors.

7) Wanna come up to my room for a cream rinse and blow dry?

6) There are two Americas and you must be from the sexy one.

5) I'm interested in a position on your staff.

4) Where's the beef? (CORRECTION: this is from the Top 11 Pick Up Lines That Would Lure Walter Mondale)

3) Is it true what they say about sons of mill workers?

2) I'm in need of some class action.

1) Hi.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Top 11 Things the Obamas Did During Their Walk Behind the Shrubbery

The Associated Press reports some disturbing news out of the White House regarding the First Couple:
So they began walking on the driveway of the White House South Lawn while holding hands. First they passed the West Wing, then their children's swing set. They kept walking, swinging their hands together.

There were no Secret Service agents right behind them - the agents stood off, in one of the rare moments that the Obamas had private space outside the White House walls. As the Obamas walked behind shrubbery and out of sight, the unscripted moment left reporters guessing where they were going. To the vegetable garden? The basketball court?

No final word, but they eventually came back the same way from where they started, rounding out their 8-minute walk.

This kind of cover-up among high government officials cannot be tolerated. The American people demand transparency. Until the veil of secrecy is lifted and we know all of the facts of what occurred, we are forced to speculate on the Top 11 Things the Obamas were doing during their walk behind the shrubbery.

11) Looking for a place to bury Joe Biden

10) Looking for places to house released Guantanamo Bay detainees

9) Scouting for a good location to put the teleprompter when talking to the guy who cuts the grass

8) Apologizing to the trees for US government role in spreading Dutch Elm Disease

7) Making a list of shovel ready projects in the yard

6) Breaking in Michele's $450 sneakers

5) Shooing Bill Clinton away from the window in front of the women's bathroom again

4) Searching for evidence to substantiate the rumors that Dick Cheney regularly tortured squirrels and chipmunks on the South Lawn.

3) Personally fertilizing the zucchini so it will be ready to give as a gift to Angela Merkel when she makes her state visit

2) Making a bet on whether the AP was really silly enough to make their walk into a "news" story.

1) Introducing Michele to his new stimulus package