Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Top 11 Reasons President Obama Cancelled Plans to Attend the 20th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall

11. Confused when staff told him he couldn’t blame the destruction of the Berlin Wall on George W. Bush and Fox News

10. He's planning to spend millions in stimulus funds on rebuilding the Berlin Wall

9. Heard that David Haselhoff would be opening for him

8. DVD box set of Hogan's Heroes that he planned to give as a gift won't be released until 2010

7. Already honored the Germans enough by watching The Sound of Music last week

6. Wants to move beyond the old divisions of communism and freedom

5. Afraid talking about the fall of the Berlin Wall would remind people of his falling poll numbers

4. Needs to spend 100% of his time demonizing his domestic opponents

3. Afraid that Russia might be upset if he attends

2. Angry that he won't be receiving an award

1. Has already heard that Pink Floyd song enough times to last a lifetime

Friday, October 16, 2009

Top 11 REAL reasons King Banaian is leaving NARN

It has been announced that King Banaian, founding member of the Northern Alliance Radio Network, is ending the Final Word radio program on AM1280 the Patriot and starting a new show, Saturdays from 9 - 11 AM on sister station KYRC (AM 1570).

Rumors are swirling about his motivations. Here are the Top 11 most likely reasons he is leaving NARN:

11) Court order, due to losing false advertising case about calling his show "The Final Word"

10) The Sons of Liberty were making menacing comments about King being one of the trees of tyranny

9) Solved all problems related to US economy on last show, didn't have anything else to talk about

8) Noticed KYRC studio has comfortable chairs and working headphones

7) Bumped off by new AM1280 radio consultant Turk Wendell

6) Thought it would be easier to buy the St. Louis Rams if he were on a less controversial radio station

5) Refused to open his show with “Hi, how in the world are you anyway?”

4) The Patriot felt he was too soft on the Federal Reserve

3) Saturday 3pm - 5pm time slot wasn't as lucrative as he imagined

2) Been waiting a long time to kick David Strom's ass in the ratings

1) After The Patriot made him renounce his vegetarianism, he was scared of what he'd have to give up at the State Fair next year

Friday, October 09, 2009

Top 11Reasons St. Paul Mayor Chris Coleman Isn't Running for Governor

11) Couldn't bear to challenge fellow "Brokeback Mayor" RT Rybak

10) Already closed a deal with Norm to buy his old "Coleman for Senate" yard signs

9) Concerned it would call into question the journalistic integrity of brother Nick's Twitter feed and lose him dozens of followers

8) Most of campaign staff and volunteers unavailable until ACORN funding resumes

7) Like most St. Paul residents, he's afraid to venture west of Highway 280

6) Was informed that Joe Biden was coming to town to campaign for him

5) Realized he would not longer be able to blame his failed policies on a Republican in a higher office withholding funds

4) Afraid that the extra media attention of a Governor’s race would lead voters to discover that he isn’t Norm Coleman

3) Depressed at the thought that he would have to spend significant time hanging out with Mark Dayton, Matt Entenza, John Marty, Tom Rukavina, etc. for months to come

2) Learned that Jesse Ventura's son is still living in attic of Governor's mansion

1) Feels he can't abandon St. Paul until he raises taxes a few more times

Top 11 Accomplishments that Won President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize

11. His election lowered the incidence of hate-filled profanity-laced rants on liberal blogs by over 75%

10. He was responsible for Rio being awarded the first South American Olympics

9. His domestic policies have reduced the income gap between the world’s richest country and the third world

8. His brave inaction over corrupt Iranian elections prevented any possibility of an unpeaceful revolt to overthrow mullahs

7. Instead of whacking Killer Swamp Rabbits with paddles, he has opened dialogues with them

6. He sent back the bust of noted war monger Winston Churchill

5. He convinced Brett Favre to join the Vikings and thus brought together Vikings and Packers fans

4. Kept Hillary Clinton out of the White House

3. He developed high yielding drought and disease resistant grains that fed billions of people (oops, that’s Norman Borlaug’s accomplishment that won him the 1970 Nobel Peace Prize)

2. He created a lot of peace between the time he took office (January 20) and the deadline for Peace Prize nominations (February 1)

1. Never has anyone done more to bring Independents and Republicans together

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Top 11 Discoveries By NASA's Spitzer Telescope

11. A giant ring of space debris orbiting Saturn

10. A giant ring of failure and McDonald's wrappers orbiting around Charlie Weis

9. Dante's second ring of hell (lust)

8. A ring of hair around his shower drain

7. His wife's wedding ring at a pawn shop

6. A Beatles Revolution #9 ring tone for "special" calls to his cell phone

5. A nipple ring on a high-priced prostitute

4. A ring-shaped number signifying Governor Patterson's approval ranking

3. A burning ring of fire around his crotch

2. A-Rod's ring-free, but Madonna-filled hands

1. The ring that Barack Obama makes the media kiss (discovered in his back pocket)

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Top 11 Possible New Names If Rush Limbaugh Buys the St. Louis Rams

11. St. Louis Hate

10. St. Louis Rush

9. The St. Louis Hey-Did-You-Hear-He-Was-Briefly-Addicted-to-Oxycontins

8. St. Louis Snerdleys

7. Excellence in St. Louis Football

6. St. Louis Drivebys

5. St. Louis Dittoheads

4. St. Louis Shock Jocks

3. St. Louis Angry White Men (could impact their on field performance)

2. St. Louis Magic Negroes (that's what the LA Times called him)

1. St. Louis Lewinskys (team colors blue and white)

Friday, October 02, 2009

Top 11 Reasons The International Olympic Committee Rejected Chicago's Bid To Host The 2016 Olympics

11. Required that the host nation be financially solvent

10. Still angry over lack of prostitutes at the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics

9. Refused to accept Obama's demand that ACORN have exclusive rights to manage prostitution at the 2016 games

8. After listening to Obama's speeches for the last nine months, IOC decided that America wasn't really that great a place after all

7. Everyone knows that totalitarian regimes put on the best Olympics, but the committee decided against Chicago anyway

6. Committee didn't feel that Michelle Obama had sacrificed quite enough

5. IOC members kept confusing it with Cleveland

4. The IOC is far more afraid of the possible repercussions of offending a guy named Lula than the President of the United States

3. Athletes would have to wait until 2020 for treatment of injuries under Obamacare

2. Brazilian women look better in thongs than those sausage-snarfing Chicago chicks

1. Persistent rumors that Chicago's big shoulders were steroid enhanced

Top 11 David Letterman Excuses for Having Affairs with Underlings

11. He's gotta plead ignorance because he wasn't aware that that sort of thing was frowned upon when he started working at CBS.

10. CBS kept cutting his staff’s salary and benefits and he felt he should do something special for them

9. Did it as a tribute to the late Senator Edward Kennedy

8. In the right light, Paul Schaeffer is just irresistible

7. Did it to protest the climate of fear and repression fostered by the Bush Administration

6. Working under theory that having affairs with staffers was the secret to John Edwards’ spectacular hair

5. CBS probably shouldn’t have brought in Whoopi Goldberg to conduct their sexual harassment training

4. Wanted to give Mark Sanford material for his stand up act

3. Women tend to throw themselves at top 1x list writers

2. In a Gilligan's Island type accident, he hit his head and thought he was Charlie Sheen

1. Was told it was ok if he was sufficiently liberal