The MOB Rules (preview 2)
Scene: Interior of Keegan’s Irish Pub
The room is packed with MOB members. It is standing room only, but there remains an empty table reserved for Coleman. Mitch Berg is milling around near the exit, mumbling. Still no Captain Fishsticks.
NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS [Kiefer Sutherland (with his hair died black)]:
I don’t like the feel of this. Coleman may have something more nefarious up his sleeve than a bad column.
SISYPHUS [Steven Seagal]:
I have the same feeling. I don’t think we can risk having you on the Fraters team. You need to be alert in case Coleman tries something.
NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS:
Right, we still haven’t discovered the identity of the MOB mole.
CHAD THE ELDER [Jon Stewart]:
Okay, we need a fourth member for our trivia team. Hey, Lileks.
JAMES LILEKS [Bob Balaban]:
It would be an honor and a privilege to serve on the storied Fraters team.
CHAD THE ELDER:
Err… We were actually wondering if Gnat could be on our team.
[curtly] No, she’s off at Cal Tech.
CHAD THE ELDER:
Well, in that case, we’ll just go with the three of us.
Nihilist in Golf Pants and Sisyphus circle the room in opposite directions, carefully studying the crowd.
The door of Keegan’s swings open and in walks Nick Coleman [Bill Murray] and Jim Boyd [Peter Boyle]. Jo [Elisabeth Shue] and Mark [Nicholas Cage], sitting near the door are hit with a blast of frigid air.
JO [Elisabeth Shue]:
That does it! We’re out of here. We’re giving up blogging and moving to Deadwood. Now!
MARK [Nicholas Cage]:
All right, but I’m not drinking myself to death.
We’ll see about that. [to the camera] You’ll have to tune in to the sequel “Leaving Deadwood” to find out for sure. Look for it in theaters Fall of 2006.
Jo and Mark exit.
Coleman and Boyd sit down at their table. Atomizer [Keanu Reeves] looks over from the Fraters table.
ATOMIZER [Keanu Reeves]:
Hey, Nick where are these genius ringers you were talking about? Do they even exist?
Oh, they do exist indeed, and you will soil your blogging underwear when you see who they are.
Once again the doors open and the MOB silences. In the door walks Senator Mark Dayton [Dustin Hoffman] and Senator Barbara Boxer [Barbra Streisand].
That’s right! I’ve recruited Senator Substance and the next President of the United States for my trivia team! Not that I need any help to beat you losers, but I want to beat you so bad you’ll be too ashamed to blog about professional wrestling!
MARTY NEWTON [Alex Trebek]:
Welcome to Keegan’s for a special edition trivia blow out. Everyone’s here, so lets get started. First question – Who was the German Nazi leader who started World War II and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps.
At the Fraters table, St. Paul writes down the answer. His teammates don’t even bother to double check it.
At Coleman’s table there is whispering.
MARK DAYTON [Dustin Hoffman]:
[in a loud whisper] George W. Bush, George W. Bush, George W. Bush. Must be George W. Bush. Time for Wapner.
BARBARA BOXER [Barbra Streisand]:
[whisper] Yes, George W. Bush is a nazi who started a war! Write that down.
[whisper] Wait a sec, he said Germany. Isn’t Bush from Texas?
[whisper] What’s the difference?
JIM BOYD [Peter Boyle]:
[whisper] Who’s that guy that we’re always saying Bush is like?
[in a loud whisper] Time for Wapner.
[whisper] Hitler! That’s what I’ll put down.
[whisper] I still say it’s Bush.
Back behind the bar, a glass of Guinness is dropped. Senator Dayton dives under the table, then bolts out the door.
Er, Senator Substance has to look after the safety of his staff and then research a judicial matter. That’s okay; we have plenty of “stuff” knowledge even without him.
Mitch Berg is mumbling too himself in the corner. Sisyphus and Nihilist in Golf Pants are watching him suspiciously.
MITCH BERG [Randy Quaid]:
TO BE CONTINUED