Thursday, August 31, 2006

Top 11 Things Likely To Be Overheard At the Meeting Between Jimmy Carter and Former Iranian President Mohammed Khatami

11. “As a matter of fact, I’m considered one of my countries greatest ex-presidents too.”

10. “Well, since you asked so nicely, sure we’ll give up our Nuke program.”

9. “Yeah, that swamp rabbit is pretty scary, but you should see the killer desert rabbits we have back home.”

8. “Sure, I can probably get you Michael Moore’s autograph.”

7. “No, Hugo Chavez likes ME better.”

6. “Sorry about that whole hostage thing.”

5. “Sorry about violating your sovereignty with that ‘Operation Eagle Claw’ thing.”

4. “The next time you’re in Tehran, be sure to drop by for some pie.”

3. “It’s not that I don’t want you in my box during the 2008 Democratic National Convention, it’s just that the Republicans would just blow the whole thing out of proportion.”

2. “If you required your women to wear burkas, you wouldn’t have to worry about lusting in your heart so much.”

1. “What I don’t understand is why you keep saying that Bush is like Hitler as if that were a bad thing.”

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Top 11 Highlights of the Democratic Katrina-Response Plan

11. Insurance companies will be required to pay all claims whether the claimant had a policy or not

10. Gigantic sponges will be pre-deployed to warehouses in low lying areas of New Orleans

9. Press releases blaming George Bush and Republicans will be pre-deployed to news outlets

8. School busses will be replaced with land/sea transports

7. All buildings outside the flood plane will be comdemmed and bulldozed, because it wouldn’t be fair for some residents to once again not be flooded

6. Hollywood script writers will be brought in to suggest atrocities that might be happening

5. Legislation to ban future hurricanes from making landfall in predominantly minority areas

4. Taxes will be raised on the rich

3. The definition of “rich” will be lowered from $45,000 yearly household income to $30,000

2. Whenever a category two or higher hurricane is approaching New Orleans, Ted Kennedy will be deployed to the levees so that he can plug any breech with his fat ass

1. A new level of federal bureaucracy will be created to oversee and coordinate between the agencies providing funds and regulation that will proactively streamline the processes while ensuring that all federal labor laws and regulations are strictly enforced

The Truth About David Strom

David proves to be an honorable guy, setting the record straight on the Keegan's trivia contest, where his team made a strong showing (tie for second place with Hugh).

However, I don't believe the sidebar, which claims he is currently reading the "Cato Handbook On Policy." The book that seems more likely is "The Big Book of Breasts."

Monday, August 28, 2006

Better To Remain Silent And Be Thought A Fool

At a recent leadership retreat a senior executive quoted the statistic that 90% of all conflicts are based on misunderstandings.

Immediately one of my peers requested the source of that statistic.

I wisely resisted the urge to shout, "the writers of the TV show Three's Company."

The exec attributed the statistic to Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Smacking Down The Sore Losermen

Ever since the Fraters, anchored by yours truly, won the Keegan's trivia contest, there has been wailing and gnashing of teeth by some of the second place finishers. Because I see opportunity behind every problem, I look to time to accomplish two things with this post:
Fraters faced Hugh, with pride on the line,
Eleven teams came to Keegan's last Friday at nine,
Trivia mistakes, Fraters made few.
Unlike the folks from the Taxpayer's League and the team led by Hugh.
The list of losers went on, and on, and on, and on.

We're trivia champions my friend.
We kicked Strom & Hugh in their ample rear ends.
We are the champions. We are the champions.
Crying is for losers 'cause we are the champions. Hear the word!

We took our bows and curtain calls.
Sisyphus is jealous and the whole world knows it, his team did fall.
Unfair advantage, cry the teams of Hugh and Strom.
We can't expect to compete with the Nihilist or with Atomizer's mom.

We're trivia champions my friend.
We kicked Strom and Hugh in their ample rear ends.
We are the champions. We are the champions.
Crying is for losers 'cause we are the champions. Hear the word!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Fraters Libertas Won the Hugh Hewitt Trivia Challenge

As the Nihilist has noted, he was one of the members of the triumphant Fraters Libertas trivia team. I was on the Taxpayers League team that tied the Hugh Hewitt All-Stars for second. But how did the longshot Fraters team pull off the victory against such impressive competition? Here are the top 11 explanations:

11. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

10. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

9. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

8. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

7. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

6. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

5. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

3. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

2. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

1. Atomizer’s Mom was on the Fraters team

NIHILIST REBUTTAL: More excuses from the guy who thought Operation Barbarosa was code for the Nazi invasion of Canada.

SISYPHUS RESPONDS: True, I am embarrassed to admit that I am responsible for my teams wrong answer on Operation Barbarossa (to use the proper spelling) but at least we knew that “government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth” was from the Gettysburg Address and not the preamble to Star Wars: Episode I.

Hmmmm, interesting that the Nihilist and his Fraters team are better versed in Nazi military code names than they are in one of the great speeches of American history.

Thank You Very Much

As Chad the Elder points out the Fraters team, anchored by yours truly, defeated all comers in the charity trivia challenge Friday evening.

Sisyphus led the Taxpayer's League team to a second place finish (tie with the Hugh Hewitt all-stars). So it was a good night for this blog in trivia. Although, one wonders who Hugh will blame for his team's 22-19 loss (best bet is Lileks).

Thanks to all who participated. More important than who won (US) was the fact that over $1500 was raised for Soldiers Angels. They offer care packages to the brave men and women who face danger so we don't have to here at home.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Happy Campers

I had the distinct pleasure this week of venturing to the left coast. I made my first visit to Santa Monica and learned a lot about the culture in that wealthy part of the Los Angeles. The area must be the most safety obsessed on earth. As I entered my hotel overlooking the pier, I spotted a sign warning me that the hotel had some areas where smoking is legal and going on to point out the dangers of exposure to the smoke. I guess they can't just outlaw smoking like we do in Minnesota. As I entered the hotel bar, I was greeted by a sign explaining some of the dangers of consuming alcohol. Not to be outdone, the hotel restaurant had a sign explaining the dangers of eating!

Shamed by my lack of health consciousness, I vowed to improve myself. So I awoke at 6 am and decided to take a walk/jog on the beach. I was not alone. Sure, there were other walkers and runners, but we were outnumbered by dozens, probably over a hundred individuals sleeping on the beach. It took me a minute to realize (due to the fact that there were no police hassling them) that Santa Monica was filled with camping enthusiasts. Lucky Californians! The campers were so confident of good weather that not one of them had bothered to set up a tent.

I am a keen observer of people and I dare say that the classic rock band Jethro Tull must have a strong following in Santa Monica. I noticed this since a high percentage of the camping enthusiasts were dressed in homage to the fellow on the cover of their 1970's album "Aqualung."

What a great place Santa Monica must be. A place where Jethro Tull loving camping enthusiasts can play next to the trendy, rich glitterati. Where one can sleep for free only a block from a $500 a night hotel.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Sisyphus Interview With Packers Fan CVG

I recently sat down with our newest contributor, Cynical Vikings Guy, for a narrow ranging interview.

One thing many of our readers may not know is that you are, in fact, a Packers fan.

Yes, I have been a fan of the Green Bay Packers for as long as I can remember, but I now consider myself a reformed Packers fan.

A reformed Packers fan? What do you mean by that?

That means that I used to cheer on the Packers every Sunday, but years of classless behavior by my fellow fans has reformed me. I now often cheer for the Minnesota Vikings, or if they’re playing the Packers, the Chicago Bears. I still consider myself a Packers fan, but a reformed one.

I noticed that you have a sign in your yard that says “Lambeau Field is A Urine Soaked Pit”. It does not bode well for the future of the Packers franchise to see a devoted fan taking a stance like that.

Yes indeed, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Lambeau Field lacks the history of Soldier’s Field in Chicago or the warmth of the Metrodome. Don’t even get me started on the Packer tradition of urinating into a cup so you don’t have to leave your seat during the game. Many Packer fans used to be willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket to Lambeau, but now they’re looking around and saying “Why would I? I can get the same ambience at a rest stop for free.”

Doing a little googling, I see that you’ve been spear-heading a petition drive asking the NFL to strip the Packers of all victories in games played by Brett Favre, including Super Bowl XXXI.

Yes, that’s true. We reformed Packers fans have high moral standards for our players. We want to win, but not with drugged up players. So I say lets give back our Lombardi trophy and apologize to all Vikings and Bears fans for our undeserved arrogance during the Favre years.

As a Packers fan, what do you think about the Packers chances this year.

I think that they, er, I mean, I think that we will really suck this year. But this is a good thing. We Packers fans have been delusional, annoying, arrogant, assholes for too long now. We need a little humbling and a decade or so of last place finishes would be just what the doctor ordered.

Wow, coming from a Vikings fan that would be dismissed as just so much trash talk, but the fact that it comes from a Packers fan gives it credibility. Thanks for the interview CVG, any final words for our readers?

Go Vikes!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Tom Cruise Was Fired

11. Demanded personal flying saucer parking space on lot

10. Performed one flyby too many

09. His ego kept writing checks that his body couldn't cash

08. Violated code of conduct by filing for fraudulent paternity leave

07. Has been impossible to work with since he didn't get the lead in Brokeback II: Brokeback Boogaloo

06. Studio head didn't want their wholesome Hollywood business to get flaky or weird

05. Wasted company time googling "Tom Cruise gay"

04. After ninth office redecoration, enough was enough

03. One too many employees yelled "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" to Paramount president

02. A sham marriage was one thing, a sham baby another

01. New company policy requiring actors to have talent

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Top 11 Things That I Would Rather Do Than Listen To A Conversation About Fantasy Football

11. See Brokeback Mountain with RT Rybak and Chris Coleman

10. Go shopping at a scrapbooking store with Andrew Sullivan

9. Listen to Al Gore read "Earth In The Balance"

8. Listen to the Patriot Insider hosted by Sarah Dady

7. Attend a WNBA game

6. Watch an Amy Klobuchar campaign commercial

5. Deliver a pizza in North Minneapolis

4. Listen to a conversation about NCAA Basketball Tournament Brackets

3. Braid King Banaian's back hair

2. Listen to Hugh Hewitt's iPod Shuffle

1. Watch Helen Thomas do Yoga naked

Monday, August 21, 2006

Top 11 Sequels To “Snakes On A Plane”

11. Gay Shepherds On A Plane

10. Dick Cheney Hunting On A Plane

9. Skanks On A Plane

8. David Hasselhoff, Andy Dick, and Mel Gibson Drinking On A Plane

7. Michael Moore’s: Snakes On A Diebold Voting Machine, Illegally Disenfranchising Minority Voters

6. Water Bottles On A Plane

5. A Prairie Home Companion On A Plane

4. A Plane On Some Snakes: The Revenge

3. An Inconvenient Truth About Global Warming Forcing More And More Snakes To Fly North On A Plane

2. Four Hours Sitting Next To A Packers Fan On A Plane

1. Amy Klobuchar starring in: Plain Janes On A Plane To Washington D.C.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Life Imitates The Smother's Brothers

A less serious piece of big news this week was the candy worker who fell into a vat of chocolate and got stuck for several hours.

Interestingly enough, this is reminiscent of an old Smothers Brothers routine that included a song called "Chocolate:"

Tom (singing): I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of chocolate...

Dick (singing): What’d you do when you fell in the chocolate?

Both: La dee doo dum la dee doo dum day...

Tom (singing): I yelled ‘fire’ when I fell into the chocolate...

Dick (annoyed, singing): Why’d you yell ‘fire’ when you fell into the chocolate?

Tom: I yelled ‘fire’ cause no one would help me if I yelled ‘Chocolate!’

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Top 11 Words (Real or Imaginary) That Are Considered Derogatory or Offensive When Uttered By Senator George Allen

11. Macaca

10. Streptococcus

9. Exalted-Cyclops-Robert-Byrd

8. HoMoLaCaCa

7. Squaw Valley

6. H.L. Monkeystein

5. Yeeeaaaaaaaaaargh!

4. Coon Rapids

3. Macow

2. Koo-koo-ka-choo,

1. Macarena

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Nihilists Top 11 Money Saving Tips For Laid Off Northwest Employees

11. I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh?

10. Buy a squeegee and bottle of windshield washing fluid and be your own boss!

9. The grocery store calls them samples, you call them lunch

8. Lay claim to your heating grate early on those cold winter nights

7. Don't pay those high internet fees when you can surf for porn for free at any public library

6. If you get up at 4am on Saturday and stand in line downtown for 6 hours a dude will give you 8 bucks per Outkast concert ticket

5. Have you kids play "treasure hunt" at public water-fountains

4. Dog food: it ain't just for Fido anymore

3. Vote DFL, they'll give you money

2. Invest in 366 fake IDs – each with a different birthday – and drink free every day

1. Solid food is for teenagers--nurse your toddler through the 8th grade

There He Goes Again!

PJ O'Rourke once invented a game where players opened a book by Jimmy Carter and had one minute to find the dumbest quote on the page. I took a turn playing it today with German magazine Der Spiegel in their interview with the former President.

11. I had four years in the White House -- it was not a failure.

10. You can be certain in advance if you don't negotiate that your problem is going to continue and maybe even get worse.

9. I think there is a substantial portion of American people that completely agree with me.

8. I think that at this moment the United States and Israel probably stand more alone than our country has in generations.

7. And, of course, fundamentalists don't believe they can make mistakes, so when we permit the torture of prisoners in Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib, it's just impossible for a fundamentalist to admit that a mistake was made.

6. I don't think that Israel has any legal or moral justification for their massive bombing of the entire nation of Lebanon. What happened is that Israel is holding almost 10,000 prisoners, so when the militants in Lebanon or in Gaza take one or two soldiers, Israel looks upon this as a justification for an attack on the civilian population of Lebanon and Gaza.

5. I'd say, the major news media in our country were complicit in this subservience to the Bush administration out of fear that they would be accused of being disloyal.

4. And my own belief is that Fidel Castro will recover. He is two years younger than I am, so he's not beyond hope.

3. As you possibly know, historically, our country has had the capability of self-correcting our own mistakes. This applied to slavery in 1865.

2. I think most people believe that enough time has passed so that historical facts can be ignored. Note: Ironically, he's not in the middle of suggesting that his opinion on foreign policy should be taken seriously.

1. Hezbollah said they would comply, I hope Israel will comply.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

You Know Your Daddy's Bound To Die

It was 29 years ago today that the King left us. Here he is at a happier time. Note that this photo is the most requested one in the national archives. RIP Elvis Aron Presley.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Top 11 Ideas To Make America Better

11. Universal health insurance

10. Reform the criminal justice system to reduce the high rate of incarceration

9. Immediate withdrawal of American troops from Iraq

8. Defer more to France on the international stage

7. Sign Kyoto accords on global warming

6. Make abortion of Christians safe, legal and frequent

5. Have the US government establish a Department of Peace

4. Expose all secret US government programs in the "war on terror"

3. Being impeachment proceedings against President Bush

2. Elect a man who hold the values of Jimmy Carter as President in 2008

1. Protect the environment by not allowing drilling in ANWR or anywhere else

Monday, August 14, 2006

CVG: Live Blog of The Vikings-Raiders Game

CYNICAL VIKINGS GUY here with a live blog of the Vikings-Raiders game.

6:55 PM: The NFL proves once again how they hate the Vikings and their fans by making us the last team to play a pre-season game. There is a lot riding on this game for new Vikings coach Brad Childress. In a recent NIGP poll, 28% are holding off to see what happens tonight before calling for Childress’ head. Childress is already on thin ice for failing to add a decent running back and a backup QB among other things.

Of course, what everyone is talking about is the return of the greatest wide receiver in Minnesota Viking history, Randy Moss. It is also a great opportunity for his replacement, Troy Williamson, to prove that he is better than the steaming pile of dung he appeared to be most of last season.

7:02 PM: Vikings win the toss and elect to receive! The season is starting off on the right note! This should bode well for the Vikes in ’06.

7:07 PM: Troy Williamson fumbles the opening kickoff. This season is over. Fire Childress now while we can still salvage something from the season.

This live blog is over.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Top 11 Things Overheard During Hugo Chavez’s Deathbed Visit With Fidel Castro

11. “I don’t know what Mike Wallace was thinking. We’re both hotter than Mahmoud Ahmadinejab.”

10. “What’s your secret? My mouth always dries up five or six hours into a speech.”

9. “I agree completely. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage is a total sham.”

8. “Whatever you do, don’t go fishing in a swamp with Jimmy Carter.”

7. “My biggest regret is that I will never live to see how they resolve ‘Lost’.”

6. “Just between you and me, I realized that communism was bullshit years ago, but I figured it would be too embarrassing to change.”

5. “I may as well admit it now – I hired the C.I.A. to assassinate JFK.”

4. “Here’s how I do it: I announce that due to doctor’s orders we will be dining on only healthy, low fat, food. You’ll be amazed how fast that gets Michael Moore out of the place.”

3. “You are insane! Sluttier sure, but there’s no way Paris Hilton is hotter than Natalie Portman!”

2. “No matter how many dissidents I execute, it never got old for me.”

1. “Who are you leaving your cool camouflage hat too?”

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Gun Violence Epidemic To Spread To St. Paul?

In his laugh out loud satire "Newspaper Newlyweds", Frater "St. Paul" pretended to chronicle the day to day life of Nick Coleman and Laura Billings, two pseudo-populist titans of the Twin Cities Metro sections. His goal, in my opinion, was to use their methods, including sloppy research, wild assumptions, and out-of-context quotes to create a narrative that proved his point. Unlike most bloggers, Coleman and Billings get paid for performing origami with the truth and wrapping it up in their personal (liberal) world-view.

Eventually St. Paul got tired of the game and quit creating new episodes of Newspaper Newlyweds. His explanation was burnout. Adding to the burnout is the simple fact that it is hard to build on good satire. To do so requires an increasing level of ridiculousness that eventually becomes too much. It looks like that level of absurdity may have hit the palatial Coleman-Billings home-front. Nick has apparently had enough and is buying a handgun. What was going through his head? Why is a bleeding heart like Nick willing to carry a gun?

State law (statute 609.065) says taking a life is justifiable when "necessary" to prevent "great bodily harm or death" from being inflicted.

Who could be threatening Nick? I know one blogger threatened to nuke him, but I think that was a joke. Upon further reading, it looks like the threat might come from a little closer to home:

I hate that it has come to this.

My wife might shoot me. . . And she's an excellent shot.

He can't be serious. Maybe this is just hyperbole.

This is hard stuff: Are you willing to use deadly force and to live with the ramifications of killing another person, even in self-defense? Not everyone can answer yes. When I reached that point of the training, I almost dropped out. But I didn't.

State law (statute 609.065) says taking a life is justifiable when "necessary" to prevent "great bodily harm or death" from being inflicted.

He wouldn't really go through with this, would he?

I went to my county sheriff's office on a Thursday, filled out an application for a gun permit and wrote a check for $100. By law, a sheriff has 30 days to approve or deny an application. My permit came in the mail the next Friday. Lock and load.

I still have some choices to make. Should I get a revolver or a pistol? A 9-millimeter, or a .38 Special that loads .357 Magnum rounds, for greater stopping power?

Given her penchant foe eating stale Doritos and ice cream lately, I'd recommend as much stopping power as possible.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Dream Weaver

When Googling "Paul Douglas toupee" I came across a piece in the Strib where he says his little creature up there is NOT a toop, but rather a "transplant". I need to do some research on this transplant thing. Is it the same as a weave? How am I going to spot these?

Right from the horse's mouth (horse's hair toop?) are Paul's words on his hair situation. Notice how he tries to make the person asking the off-hand question seem unusual or weird when HE is the one with the dead animal matter on top of his head:

What's up with Paul Douglas' hair? Something has changed. Perhaps a toupee?" e-mailed Chasm, about the WCCO-TV meteorologist.

Said Douglas: "Tell that guy he's got a little too much free time. Some of these people accuse of us being vain, vacuous and shallow on television, and then what do they talk about? OUR HAIR?"

The hair is not a toupee but transplanted. "It has a wave, and I've been bringing it [to the] front a little more. At a different time I was taking it straight back, but it was too poofy," he said.

Notice how he refers to his hair as "The hair" as if it has a life of it's own. And also note his bizarre use of verb tense--the hair is "transplanted". Transplanted from what?


I did a little research and it seems to me that a transplant is the same thing as plugs. They take hair from where you have it and plant in places you don't. That would make Douglas' claims utter horse-hockey since you can see the horseshoe shape of his real hair and the clear toop residing in the middle.

Here is how the transplant process works:

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Mike Wallace's Top 11 Hottest Dictators of All Time

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Rug Doctor Is In

Among some of my friends, I am known to be a pretty good spotter of toupees. Lately I have also realized my talent extends to plug-spotting as well. I recently nailed the obvious hair planting that took place on Mel Gibson's melon while in line at WalMart. Look at that fresh row of hair planted in the front. Clearly plugs.

They're not as bad as the King Of All Plugs, but still.

And I don't know why it took me so long to notice, but both of the dull, milquetoast oafs that broadcast the Twins games on channel 29 have funny business going on with their hair ("I like-ah the joke but I no like-ah the funny beez-a-neez!").

Burt, the more dim-witted of the two (he said the words "indecisive decision" at least four times the other night) looks to be sporting plugs while Dick seems to have some kind of small animal installed on top of his noggin.

Why can't a man just accept his fate and let that head shine? Dan Gladden (also pictured in the above link) looks like he realizes how silly these rugs and plugs look. But, he's in radio (insert Mitch Berg NARN joke here).


Check out this link for a nice analysis of John Travolta's toop.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Amazing Punditry of Sisyphus

Notwithstanding Cap'n Ed's stool, the world hasn't seen a piece of political punditry like Sisyphus' prediction of a 3 point win for Ed Lamont over Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Democratic primary today.

However, I'm here to talk classic '80s television. Now we all know that Joe Lieberman is practically the identical twin of Max Wright (aka the dad from ALF).

Do you remember the classic episode of Cheers where Sam is dating a city councilwoman named Janet Eldridge (Kate Mulgrew)? Although they don't ever call her a Republican, she is a pro-business and disagrees with everything Diane (an obvious liberal) believes. Diane, in a fit of jealousy decides to help campaign for her opponent named Jim Fleener, played by none other than Max Wright.

Max literally is Joe Lieberman. He is indecisive, uninspiring and weak. He even comes up with a slogan as lame as Joe-mentum. His campaign buttons say "Wim with Jim", leading to this exchange between Diane and Carla:

Carla: "Wim with Jim?"
Diane: I thought it up. It's very Joycian.
Carla: If that means stupid, I agree.

I am sick of everyone on the right bemoaning the fate of Joe Lieberman. He may be an honorable opponent. However if the Democrats want to marginalize themselves by creating litmus tests that trip up their own party leadership from as recently as six years ago, I say huzzah. They are on their way to irrelevancy.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Lamont’s Chances Shine

WARNING: This is post is wonkish political commentary on the Connecticut Democratic Senate primary being held on August 8.

Although incumbent Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman has been trailing multi-millionaire Wal-Mart investor Ed Lamont by double digit margins, the most recent Quinnipiac poll shows Joe down by only six (don’t be fooled by the fact that Lamont is a multi-millionaire Wal-Mart investor, he is a barking Moonbat).

Alas, the Joe-mentum will be short lived. The weather forecast for Connecticut shows no chance of thunderstorms on Election Day, dashing his last hope. Thunderstorms would have made it all but impossible for Lamont’s tin-foil hat wearing supporters to make it safely to the polls.

PREDICTION: Lamont 51, Lieberman 48

Top 11 Reasons That Andrew Sullivan Is Having A Spat With Hugh Hewitt

11. Jealous that Hugh looks better in Dockers.

10. Angry that Hugh stole his Baked Alaska recipe.

9. Wishes he could work with a bear like Duane.

8. Not really angry, just feeling hormonal lately.

7. Jealous of Hugh's superior knowledge of show tunes.

6. Mad that Hugh stuck his finger in his peanut butter (who knows where that finger's been?)

5. That tree Hugh ran into with his snowmobile happened to be Andrew’s favorite tree in the whole wide world.

4. Dr. Neal Clark Warren wouldn't find him a soul mate.

3. Hugh refuses to introduce him to his friends, "The Big Trunk" and "Hindrocket."

2. Jealous of Hugh's naturally high level of testosterone.

1. Hugh acted like he didn’t even know him when they ran into each other on the beach at P-Town.

Top 11 Reasons That Brett Favre Believes That The 2006 Packers Are "the most talented team that I’ve been a part of as a whole"

11. Percodan

10. Codeine

9. Demoral

8. Darvon

7. Dilaudid

6. Darvoset

5. Valium

4. Talwin

3. OxyContin

2. Vicodin

1. Old Milwaukee

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Lebanon Burning

Nihilist in Golf Pants has obtained dramatic photo evidence indicating the depth of destruction being leveled on Lebanon by Israel. (via Reuters)

An exclusive photo from the Nihilist in Golf Pants satellite indicates that most of Lebanon is in flames:

Where is the United Nations? Where is Jimmy Carter? Someone stop the madness!

Top 11 Errors & Omissions By Cynical Vikings Guy

Yesterday, with the opening of Minnesota Vikings training camp our new contributor, Cynical Vikings Guy (CVG), enlightened us to the roots of his cynicism. These roots run deep, as his life has been deeply impacted. However, in narrowing his list to 11 events that left him cynical, he missed a plethora of events that have left other Viking fans cynical. Here are my top 11 items that CVG missed:

11. Jim Marshall runs the wrong way October 25 1964 - Marshall picks up a fumble and runs to wrong way, giving a safety to the San Francisco 49ers (he thought is was a TD for the Vikes). This is listed as the #1 football folly in NFL history by NFL Films.

10. The 3-12 Arizona Cardinals score two touchdowns in the last 2 minutes to knock the Vikings out of a playoff spot Dec. 28, 2003. In a disgraceful collapse, the Vikings become only the second team to miss the postseason after starting 6-0.

9. The Love Boat/Arctic Blast - In the Love Boat incident the Vikings hire a bunch of out-of-town prostitutes to serve them on Lake Minnetonka. Fallout results in the trade of All-Pro QB Daunte Culpepper. In the Arctic Blast incident Vikings and Former Vikings are accused of sexual misconduct.

8. The Purple Triangle - In the late 1980's and early 1990's the Bloomington strip was a dangerous place to drive due to dozens of intoxicated Vikings getting DWIs.

7. Anthony Carter threatens to "not put his best foot forward" in a key game

6. Vikings unceremoniously dump Randall McDaniel before the 2000 season - McDaniel was one of few classy players in the Vikings organization wasn't allowed to finish his career here

5. Every Viking on defense pats Steve Young on the back as he scores the winning TD on a 49 yard scramble - October 30, 1988 - Even Joey Browner's "strongest hands in football" couldn't stop Young from wrecking another Vikings season

4. Vikings don't submit first draft pick in 2003 in order to save money - The Vikings claimed they knew no one else would take Kevin Williams. They had the #7 pick but didn't turn a card in until #9.

3. Brent McLanahan fumbles on the one yard line in Super Bowl XI. CVG is entirely wrong that the Vikings were never in this game. At the end of the first quarter the game was still 0-0. Early in the second quarter, the Vikings became the first team ever to block a Ray Guy punt and recovered on the one yard line. Rather than give the ball to All-Pro RB Chuck Foreman, they give it to FB McLanahan and the rest is history.

2. The first three Super Bowls - 24-7, 16-6 and 17-7.

1. NFC Championship 41-0 flop - A mediocre Giants team scores 17 points in the first five minutes of the game and the Vikings stopped trying.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Introducing Cynical Vikings Guy

[Editor’s Note: Football training camp is now underway and Nihilist in Golf Pants is proud to introduce our new football commentator: Cynical Vikings Guy (CVG). Over the last three decades, CVG has often had opportunity to be optimistic about the chances of his Vikings. CVG has never failed to have these hopes dashed, often brutally dashed. Not surprisingly, this has left CVG (and most Viking fans) seriously cynical. He will offer regular (no doubt, bitter) commentary throughout the season. The commentaries will be submitted to me and I will endeavor to edit out most of the offensive language. Here is his introductory post.]

Hi there, fellow Vikings fans! Are you excited about the dawn of the Brad Childress era? Me neither. In fact, let me be the first to call for his firing. Childress has already made me pine for a return to the Tice era. Sure Tice was a moron, but at least he liked to play an exciting brand of football and was occasionally amusing. Childress has instituted the West Coast Offense (although he doesn’t have the decent running back that that offense requires) and has been more wary of the press than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

But we’ll have all season to trash Childress. Since this is my introductory post, I thought I’d give you an idea of how I got to be the way that I am in a format that’s familiar to readers of this blog. So, here are the top 11 formative moments in my career as a cynical Vikings fan:

Top 11 Formative Moments In Cynical Vikings Guy’s Career As A Vikings Fan

11. Daunte Culpepper trade
Don’t get me wrong, I hated Daunte’s 2005 performance as much as the next guy, but trading him for only a second round pick is insanity. With that pick they drafted New Mexico center Ryan Cook, which everyone but Cook’s mother thought was a reach. And then they failed to sign a decent back up for octogenarian Brad Johnson. No wonder I’m already calling for Childress’ head.

10. Randy Moss trade
Sure Moss was a pain in the neck, but he was also the most talented receiver in the NFL. Only the Vikings would trade him for linebacker Napoleon Harris (whom met his Waterloo several seasons ago) and a first round draft pick that turned out to be – the under-talented Troy Williamson.

9. 1982 NFL draft: Disco Darrin Nelson drafted instead of Marcus Allen
There have been many draft day fiascos in Viking history, but one that still rankles is their first round pick in 1982. The Vikings were drafting seventh overall and had a need for a game breaking running back. None of the six teams ahead of the Vikes picked a back, meaning that Heisman trophy winner and consensus top running back in the draft, Marcus Allen, had fallen into their lap.

But no, the Vikings “brain” trust was smarter than everyone else. The Vikings, you see, were moving into the Metrodome that season and decided that Darrin Nelson’s speed made him the better fit for the Metrodome’s artificial turf. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that there is more to being a great back than raw speed (and Allen wasn’t exactly slow). Marcus Allen is now in the Hall of Fame; Darrin Nelson, er, isn’t.

8. Disco Darrin drops potentially game tying touchdown pass on fourth down with 52 seconds remaining in NFC championship game, January 17, 1988
Marcus Allen would have held onto that ball.

7. Super Bowl XI loss to Raiders in 1977
Sure, the Vikings have lost four Super Bowls, but this is the only one many Viking fans, myself included, are old enough to actually remember. The Vikings had the more talented team but were never even in the game.

6. Packers win Super Bowl XXXI in 1997
We Viking fans tend to be realistic enough to understand that the Purple will disappoint us in the end. Packer fans, on the other hand, are absolutely convinced that the Pack will go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl every season. That means that at least we can look forward to a chortle or two at their expense when the Pack crashes and burns. Not so, when the Packers tragically won Super Bowl XXXI and we had to listen to their Cheeseheaded insufferability all summer.

5. Less Steckel season (1984)
It wasn’t so much the fact that we went 3-13, but that we were blown out nearly every week by scores like 51-7, 38-14, 45-17, 34-3.

4. Gary Anderson misses field goal with less than 2 minutes left in NFC championship game, January 17, 1999
Gary Anderson missed one field goal the entire 1998-99 season. Is it a meaningless kick in one of our many blow-outs that season? Nope. He has to miss the field goal that would have given the Purple a two score lead in the NFC Championship game and would have all but guaranteed an appearance in Super Bowl XXXIII.

3. Denny Green takes a knee in NFC championship game, January 17, 1999
The Vikings have the ball third and three on their own 30 with 27 seconds remaining in a tied 1999 NFC championship game. Coach Denny Green takes a knee to run out the clock and force overtime rather than risk having one of the most potent offenses in NFL history send him to the Super Bowl. Of course, the Vikes lose the toss and never see the football again.

2. Herschel Walker trade
The worst trade in Viking’s history (and that’s saying something). Probably also the worst trade in NFL history. The Vikings trade three players, three first round draft picks, three second round draft picks, and several other later picks for bobsledder Herschel Walker.

1. Drew Pearson push-off December 28, 1975 (a day that will live in infamy)
The defining moment for any Viking fan old enough to remember it. The heavily favored Vikings were up by four against Dallas with just seconds remaining. The Cowboys had the ball at the 50 yard line. Of course, the Vikings “brain” trust surrounds Dallas’ best receiver with several defensive backs, right? Wrong, they allow Drew Pearson the space to push-off from Nate Wright and score the winning touchdown. The officials looked the other way on the illegal push-off, proving that the NFL is willing to help the Vikings out in screwing over their fans.

But at least I’m not one of those pathetic delusional Packer fans.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Top 11 UN Backed Cease Fire Terms For Israel

11. Free grave stones to terrorism victims (provided they don't request a Star of David)

10. Hezbollah promises not to break the cease fire until it feels like it

9. The UN General Assembly will listen to Alanis Morsette's album "Jagged Little Pill" in an attempt to understand the problem with equating Israel to Nazi Germany

8. Hezbollah promises to limit civilian bus bombings to 2 per month

7. The UN still won't condemn Hezbollah's terrorism, but will agree that both sides made mistakes

6. When the time comes, Israeli delegation will be allowed to mourn Fidel Castro's passing with the rest of the UN

5. The UN will pretend to care about nuclear proliferation in Iran

4. After Israel is destroyed, the UN promises to offer a resolution decrying the genocide

3. UN agrees to prioritize undermining America's effort in Iraq ahead of undermining Israel's security

2. An iron-clad guarantee that Iran won't nuke Israel until 2008

1. A 3rd apology from Mel Gibson

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Top 11 Reasons The Patriot Insider Is Off The Air

11. Mitch Berg demanded a change to the Saturday schedule as he got season tickets to an experimental theater troupe whose productions get underway Saturdays at 2:30 PM.

10. Station realized they could make more money selling blocks of time to Matthew Lesko

9. Since Mark Yost became a published author, he now wants to be paid to do the show

8. Radio master Dwight Rabuse wants his time slot back

7. Afraid that a State Fair appearance by the dapper Mr. Yost would make the NARN boys look like slobs

6. Ran out of wacko fringe candidates to interview

5. Yost fled the Twin Cities in search of a decent corned beef sandwich

4. Management heard a rumor that Sarah Dady might be guest hosting again

3. Scientologist leaders heard the 10:30 segment last week

2. It's hard to put up numbers when the competition is "In The Zone" featuring Trent Tucker

1. Management feared the Nihilist had driven all the listeners away from the station forever