Saturday, August 05, 2006

Introducing Cynical Vikings Guy

[Editor’s Note: Football training camp is now underway and Nihilist in Golf Pants is proud to introduce our new football commentator: Cynical Vikings Guy (CVG). Over the last three decades, CVG has often had opportunity to be optimistic about the chances of his Vikings. CVG has never failed to have these hopes dashed, often brutally dashed. Not surprisingly, this has left CVG (and most Viking fans) seriously cynical. He will offer regular (no doubt, bitter) commentary throughout the season. The commentaries will be submitted to me and I will endeavor to edit out most of the offensive language. Here is his introductory post.]

Hi there, fellow Vikings fans! Are you excited about the dawn of the Brad Childress era? Me neither. In fact, let me be the first to call for his firing. Childress has already made me pine for a return to the Tice era. Sure Tice was a moron, but at least he liked to play an exciting brand of football and was occasionally amusing. Childress has instituted the West Coast Offense (although he doesn’t have the decent running back that that offense requires) and has been more wary of the press than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

But we’ll have all season to trash Childress. Since this is my introductory post, I thought I’d give you an idea of how I got to be the way that I am in a format that’s familiar to readers of this blog. So, here are the top 11 formative moments in my career as a cynical Vikings fan:

Top 11 Formative Moments In Cynical Vikings Guy’s Career As A Vikings Fan

11. Daunte Culpepper trade
Don’t get me wrong, I hated Daunte’s 2005 performance as much as the next guy, but trading him for only a second round pick is insanity. With that pick they drafted New Mexico center Ryan Cook, which everyone but Cook’s mother thought was a reach. And then they failed to sign a decent back up for octogenarian Brad Johnson. No wonder I’m already calling for Childress’ head.

10. Randy Moss trade
Sure Moss was a pain in the neck, but he was also the most talented receiver in the NFL. Only the Vikings would trade him for linebacker Napoleon Harris (whom met his Waterloo several seasons ago) and a first round draft pick that turned out to be – the under-talented Troy Williamson.

9. 1982 NFL draft: Disco Darrin Nelson drafted instead of Marcus Allen
There have been many draft day fiascos in Viking history, but one that still rankles is their first round pick in 1982. The Vikings were drafting seventh overall and had a need for a game breaking running back. None of the six teams ahead of the Vikes picked a back, meaning that Heisman trophy winner and consensus top running back in the draft, Marcus Allen, had fallen into their lap.

But no, the Vikings “brain” trust was smarter than everyone else. The Vikings, you see, were moving into the Metrodome that season and decided that Darrin Nelson’s speed made him the better fit for the Metrodome’s artificial turf. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that there is more to being a great back than raw speed (and Allen wasn’t exactly slow). Marcus Allen is now in the Hall of Fame; Darrin Nelson, er, isn’t.

8. Disco Darrin drops potentially game tying touchdown pass on fourth down with 52 seconds remaining in NFC championship game, January 17, 1988
Marcus Allen would have held onto that ball.

7. Super Bowl XI loss to Raiders in 1977
Sure, the Vikings have lost four Super Bowls, but this is the only one many Viking fans, myself included, are old enough to actually remember. The Vikings had the more talented team but were never even in the game.

6. Packers win Super Bowl XXXI in 1997
We Viking fans tend to be realistic enough to understand that the Purple will disappoint us in the end. Packer fans, on the other hand, are absolutely convinced that the Pack will go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl every season. That means that at least we can look forward to a chortle or two at their expense when the Pack crashes and burns. Not so, when the Packers tragically won Super Bowl XXXI and we had to listen to their Cheeseheaded insufferability all summer.

5. Less Steckel season (1984)
It wasn’t so much the fact that we went 3-13, but that we were blown out nearly every week by scores like 51-7, 38-14, 45-17, 34-3.

4. Gary Anderson misses field goal with less than 2 minutes left in NFC championship game, January 17, 1999
Gary Anderson missed one field goal the entire 1998-99 season. Is it a meaningless kick in one of our many blow-outs that season? Nope. He has to miss the field goal that would have given the Purple a two score lead in the NFC Championship game and would have all but guaranteed an appearance in Super Bowl XXXIII.

3. Denny Green takes a knee in NFC championship game, January 17, 1999
The Vikings have the ball third and three on their own 30 with 27 seconds remaining in a tied 1999 NFC championship game. Coach Denny Green takes a knee to run out the clock and force overtime rather than risk having one of the most potent offenses in NFL history send him to the Super Bowl. Of course, the Vikes lose the toss and never see the football again.

2. Herschel Walker trade
The worst trade in Viking’s history (and that’s saying something). Probably also the worst trade in NFL history. The Vikings trade three players, three first round draft picks, three second round draft picks, and several other later picks for bobsledder Herschel Walker.

1. Drew Pearson push-off December 28, 1975 (a day that will live in infamy)
The defining moment for any Viking fan old enough to remember it. The heavily favored Vikings were up by four against Dallas with just seconds remaining. The Cowboys had the ball at the 50 yard line. Of course, the Vikings “brain” trust surrounds Dallas’ best receiver with several defensive backs, right? Wrong, they allow Drew Pearson the space to push-off from Nate Wright and score the winning touchdown. The officials looked the other way on the illegal push-off, proving that the NFL is willing to help the Vikings out in screwing over their fans.

But at least I’m not one of those pathetic delusional Packer fans.

6 Comments:

Blogger DiscordianStooge said...

You left out that the Walker trade draft picks turned Dallas in to the team all of America loved throughout the 90's.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I still see #8 in my nightmares. I think it him right in the chest, too.

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not only did the Herschel Walker trade help Dallas win three Super Bowls in the early 90's, they even got Walker back after a couple years

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very true, much of the pain in the Walker trade comes from the undeniable fact that yokel Minnesota was snookered by sophisticated Texans. We handed the hated Cowboys three Super Bowl rings on a silver platter. The only way it could have beenworse is if we'd made the trade with the Packers.

- Cynical Vikings Guy

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

didn't the Vikes and Falcs trade posessions like 2 or 3 times on 1/17/99? I'm pretty sure they "saw the ball again."

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you also failed to mention "the nate poole incident", when all the Vikings needed to do was stop the goddamn Cardinals one more time and they would go to the playoffs. cue josh mccown throwing a prayer into the end zone and nate poole catching it and getting pushed out, but according to the rules, he was in. the worst part? the goddamned packers got into the playoffs because of it. and green bay made nate poole mayor for a day. fuck.

4:20 PM  

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