Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Top 11 Ways Al Franken Plans to Kill Time At Today’s Kagan Hearing

On the first day of the Elena Kagan hearings, Al Franken took a nap during Kagan’s opening statement. On the second day of the hearings, Franken drew a Rembrandt-like sketch of Senator Jeff Sessions. Here are the top 11 ways Al Franken plans to kill time at today’s Kagan hearing:

Top 11 Ways Al Franken Plans to Kill Time At Today’s Kagan Hearing

11. Do a shot every time someone mentions the constitution

10. Work on his hilarious new story about drugging and raping the entire cast of "The View"

9. Scheme to steal Amy Klobuchar's title as "funniest Senator" poll winner

8. Find out more about this "Supreme Court" thing by searching Wikipedia

7. Think up some new insults for stupid Republicans

6. Work on “Stuart Saves His Family” sequel

5. Pass a note to Harry Reid asking to get on one of the more exciting committees

4. Finish the bottom part of his cartoon of Senator Sessions by drawing him without pants

3. Draft a law prohibiting Gardy from putting anyone batting below .220 in the 2 spot in the Twins lineup (actually, this is the way I would kill time if I had to sit through the Kagan hearing)

2. Write some snappy comebacks to smart ass hecklers for Joe Biden

1. As a tribute to Ted Kennedy, figure out a way to work in a question about Long Dong Silver

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Top 11 Asses President Obama Should Be Kicking

11. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's

10. Michael Leighton's

9. Hugo Chavez's

8. Big 'n Rich's

7. Fidel Castro's

6. Jim Joyce's

5. Mullah Omar's

4. Eric Massa's (at his request!)

3. Kim Jong-il's

2. Kim Kardashian's

1. Artie Fufkin's

Friday, June 04, 2010

President Obama's Top 11 Excuses for Failing to Stop the Gulf Oil Leak

11. There is no one qualified to fix the leak running against an incumbent in a Democratic primary

10. Too preoccupied with his search for Osama Bin Laden

9. Practicing for his master plan: hitting enough golf balls into the leak to clog it

8. Plans to get on it as soon as he finishes his series of state dinners with surviving members of Jerry and the Pacemakers

7. Can't get the morons at BP to listen to James Cameron

6. Can’t get the morons at BP to listen to Ron Jeremy

5. Was planning on taking a class on plugging undersea oil wells at Harvard, but it met at the same time as The Science of Pan-Africanism, Radical Feminism and Hip Hop

4. Like George Bush, he hates black people

3. Under the mistaken impression that the gulf leak crisis has something to do with Joe Biden urinating on golf courses again

2. Still working out details to plug the hole with 700 billion one dollar bills from US Treasury

1. Not sure where people got this idea that government could fix everything

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Top 11 Reasons Al & Tipper Gore Are Separating

11. Every time Al forgot to take out the garbage, Tipper would scream at him , "That's why you'll never be President!"

10. After ten years, Al's insistence that Tipper whistle "Hail to the Chief" every time he walked into a room really got old

9. Al refused to put a "Warning: explicit B.S." label over his mouth

8. Turns out their romance wasn't really the basis for "Love Story" after all

7. Al became convinced that Tipper was helping ManBearPig

6. For a guy who invented the Internet, Al sure has a hard time remembering to put the toilet seat down

5. Tipper is still disappointed with the fact that Al's package needed to be enhanced on the cover of Rolling Stone

4. Al could no longer bear Tipper's sarcastic calls for a "recount" every time he left a tip at a restaurant

3. It turns out that there is no truth to what they say about guys with a large carbon footprint

2. Tipper overheard Al telling his buddies that he not only invented the Internet, he also invented Internet pornography

1. Constant arguing because Tipper preferred to undermine American values via paternalistic limitations on free-speech, while Al preferred to destroy American industry through hysterical fear-mongering