Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Newt That Will End His Presidential Campaign

Nancy Pelosi appeared on CNN yesterday with some disturbing revelations. And I'm not just talking about her new hair cut. She also had some salacious innuendo to pass along about Newt Gingrich:

Nancy Pelosi told CNN last night that Newt Gingrich would definitely not become president, whether he was the GOP nominee or not.

"He’s not going to be president of the United States,” Pelosi said. “That’s not going to happen. Let me just make my prediction and stand by it. It isn’t going to happen.” Asked why she was so certain by CNN host John King, Pelosi said, “There’s something I know,” but did not elaborate on what she was referring to.

That has the unmistakeable air of a Eugene Joe McCarthy boast about having a list of 205 known Communists in his pocket. Of course, Tail Gunner Joe never shared that list with the public. Time will tell if Pelosi ever does. Until then, we'll have to settle for our speculation on the Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Newt That Will End His Presidential Campaign.

11) attended a church for 20 years led by an America-hating preacher

10) is friends with 60's radicals who once bombed US government buildings

9) has several relatives who are illegal aliens

8) wants to bankrupt energy companies that use coal

7) is a proven ideological zealot

6) doesn't believe gays have the right to get married

5) used as a fundraiser a felon convicted of corruption, fraud, and money laundering

4) sold guns to Mexican drug cartels

3) believes Americans are bitter and cling to guns, religion, and antipathy toward people not like them

2) once claimed there are 57 states in the United States

1) believes he has the power to slow the rise of the oceans

Oops, mistake there. Those are the Top 11 Things Nancy Pelosi Knows About Barack Obama But Makes Her Want to Re-Elect Him Anyway. I shudder to think what she has on Newt that will beat this impressive record!

UPDATE: My editor, the Nihilist himself, phoned in from somewhere on the Vegas strip with a correction. The communist baiter referenced above was Joe McCarthy, NOT Eugene McCarthy. We regret the error and will submit this for consideration on the next This Week in Gatekeeping for HWX.

The Nihilist also averred that if Eugene McCarthy were carrying a list of communists in his pocket, his own name would be on it.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Top 11 Shocking Revelations From Newt Gingrich's Ex-Wife

11. Habitually left toilet seat up

10. Real name is Willard

9. Found "The Three Stooges" highly entertaining

8. Driven by his intense hatred of the people of South Carolina

7. Wanted to sleep rather than snuggle after sex

6. Insisted on taking all vacations at swingers resorts in the Cayman Islands

5. Would have done Monica Lewinski

4. Would have done Hillary Clinton

3. Was named after singer Juice Newton

2. Planned follow-up for "Contract with America" was "Open Marriage with America"

1. Prefers young, hot women to bitter old hags

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Top 11 Reasons the Obama Administration Killed the Keystone XL Pipeline

11. Was under the impression it was for sending really crappy beer

10. Michelle doesn't like the idea of him laying pipe

9. When people have jobs and oil they start voting Republican

8. Thinks there is an ironclad rule about having to trade blood for oil,
squeamish about implications

7a. America isn't really much of an oil using country, anyway

7b. Worried that if there is a spill, EPA regulators will be mocked as "Keystone Cops"

7c. Concerned that letting private sector create jobs will set a bad precedent

6. Pipelines sometimes leak whereas shipping oil has a 100% environmental
safety record

5. Still believes in 54, 40 or fight

4. Let the Canadians build an oil pipeline and the next thing you know
they'll want to build a maple syrup pipeline

3. Insisting the Canadians send us more wind instead

2. Republicans in Congress panicked him into cancelling the Pipeline by setting a deadline for a decision.

1. It is way cooler to import oil via high-speed rail


Nihilist Football Picks: Pro Conference Championships

Last week I went 1-2 in the pros to bring my season total to 29-27-1, after going 30-21 with college picks. There are only two games this week, and I'll take the points in both:

Ravens +9 at Patriots
Giants +3 at 49ers

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Top 11 Reasons the Packers Lost to the Giants on Sunday

11. Negative ads by the Giants Super PAC destroyed their self-confidence

10. Packers stayed up late past curfew Saturday night celebrating Miss Wisconsin being crowned Miss America

9. In hindsight, copying the Badgers Hail Mary pass defense probably a mistake

8. Thought Giants was just a nickname, but those guys were HUGE

7. Mistakenly assumed game was just an exhibition, as national media had already crowned them Super Bowl champions

6. Global warming induced thawing of the frozen tundra took away home field advantage

5. Couldn't overcome the unusual circumstance where referees only favored Packers on 99% of the calls

4. Big Madonna fans, they didn't want to miss watching her Super Bowl half time show by having to be in the locker room at the game

3. Clay Matthews hair got in his eyes on key plays

2. Aaron Rodgers started believing those State Farm commercials that he wasn't really an NFL quarterback

1. New York teams less nauseated by the urine and vomit at Lambeau than most other visiting teams

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Top 11 Reasons Mitt Romney Likes Firing People

Mitt Romney recently helped the mainstream media toward their goal of reelecting President Obama. He served up a perfect quote that can be taken out of context to help them validate their narrative that he is an evil, heartless, robber baron.

Romney's words during a breakfast forum of the Nashua Chamber of Commerce included these words on why the free market is a better provider of goods and services than the government:

I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. You know, if someone doesn't give me the good service I need, I want to say, ‘You know, I'm going to get someone else to provide this service to me.'

The media is happy to cut the quote off at the end of the first sentence. Even Romney's Republican rivals have been happy to take his words out of context. In that spirit, we've come up with the top 11 media analyst explanations for their out of context conclusion that Romney derives pleasure from firing people:

11. Hasn't yet been visited by Marley or the three Christmas ghosts

10. Has choreographed an entire "You're Soooo Fired" routine complete with sequined dancers

9. Most people look like Newt Gingrich to him

8. Feels like he’s helping the economy every time he fires someone ever since Nancy Pelsoi explained to him the stimulative effects of unemployment benefits

7. Likes to pretend he's Donald Trump

6. Prides himself on so discouraging the losers he fires that they drop out of the workforce and thus don’t hurt the unemployment rate

5. Loves making the cha-ching sound effect as he explains to the employee how much money he is saving by firing him

4. Mormon religious rite requires him to feast on human tears

3. Republican religious right requires him to feast on tears of the poor

2. When your religion forbids drinking, smoking, and even caffene, you have to find other ways to get a thrill

1. Only way he can achieve an erection

Nihilist Football Picks: Pro Divisional Playoffs

I had my worst week of the year last week, going 0-3 in the college BCS games and 1-2 in the pros. That finishes the college year at a strong 30-21 and leaves me at 28-25-1 for the pros. There are only four games this week, and I'll continue my tradition of picking three, skipping the question of whether divine intervention can lead Tim Tebow to a massive upset, or at least coverage of a big spread:

Saints -3 at 49ers
Ravens -9 vs Texans
Giants +8 1/2 at Packers

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Nihilist Football Picks: Pro Wildcard/College Championship

Last week got off to a promising start, with a 3-0 mark in the pros. Unfortunatley, I uncharacteristically went 0-3 in college bowl games. This brought my record to 30-18 for college and 27-23-1 for the pros. This is my last chance at college games, so I'll pick two traditional bowls plus the BCS title game, and the first round of NFL playoffs:

Virginia Tech -1 1/2 vs Michigan (Sugar Bowl)
Kansas State +8 vs Arkansas (Cotton Bowl)
Louisiana State -1 vs Alabama (BCS Championship)

Saints -11 1/2 vs Lions
Steelers -8 1/2 at Denver
Bengals +2 1/2 at Texans