Saturday, December 30, 2006

Revisiting My Celebrity Breakup Predictions

In this post I made my celebrity breakup predictions for 2006. It looks as if I was 5 for 11. Here are the results:

The Good - I successfully predicted the demise of:
8. Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson (it was only a matter of time)
7. Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillipe (very few people saw this coming)
6. Jennifer Antison & Vince Vaughan (they weren't even admitting to dating at the time)
3. Sienna Miller & Jude Law (everyone saw this coming)
2. Britney Spears & Kevin Federline (in my heart, I still believe they are soul mates)

The Bad - I missed a few:
11. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie (it will happen eventually)
10. Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain induced hysteria on my part)
9. Courtney Cox Arquette & David Arquette (he still is incredibly annoying)
5. Ben Afflick & Jennifer Garner (their track records say it will happen)
4. Kate Beckinsale & Ken Wiseman (wishful thinking)

The Ugly
1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes - The whole world knows this is a sham! How long must they insult our intelligence?

Friday, December 29, 2006

Top 11 Surprises in Saddam Hussein’s Will

11. Left his underwear to Britney Spears

10. Requested that Harry Reid not attend his funeral

9. Left his secret stash of yellowcake to Joe Wilson

8. Left his George Foreman Grill to Michael Moore

7. Left his investment in Iraqi Dinars to George Soros

6. Left his Halliburton stock to Dick Cheney

5. Left his autographed copy of Mein Kampf to Mahmoud Ahmadinejab

4. Left his beret to Dan Rather

3. Left his copy of the Paris Hilton sex tape to Jimmy Carter

2. Requested that Harry Belafonte sing “Banana Boat” at the funeral

1. Left his moustache to the Harvard Medical School

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Nihilist Exclusive: James Brown Disapproved of Iraq War

R&B Singer James Brown questioned the Bush administration's rationale for the U.S. invasion and war in interviews he granted on condition they not be released until after his death, according to claims made by the blogger Nihilist In Golf Pants.

The hardest working man in show business "very strongly" disagreed with the current president's justifications for invading Iraq and said he would have pushed alternatives, such as sanctions, much more vigorously. "Say it loud: I don't think I would have gone to war," Brown told the Nihilist a little more than a year after President Bush launched the invasion.

In the made-up interview, the Godfather of Soul was critical not only of Bush but also of Vice President Cheney and then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, who are each rumored to own several Brown albums.

"Heh! Rumsfeld and Cheney and the president made a big mistake in justifying going into the war in Iraq. Jump back! They put the emphasis on weapons of mass destruction," Brown said. "Yeah! And now, I've never publicly said I thought they made a mistake, but I felt very strongly it was an error in how they should justify what they were going to do."

In the same interview Brown, who became the Godfather of Soul despite never being elected by the American People, said he thought Bush had erred by staking the invasion on claims Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

"Baby baby! Saddam Hussein was an evil person and there was justification to get rid of him," he observed to the Nihilist . "Whoa! But we shouldn't have put the basis on weapons of destruction. I break out - in a cold sweat! That was a bad mistake. Ho! Uh! Ho! Where does (Bush) get his advice?"

The singer did not like Bush's domestic surveillance program. "Awww! It may be a necessary evil," Brown conceded. "I just gotta gotta! I don't think it's a terrible transgression, but I would never do it. Mercy on me! I was dumbfounded when I heard they were doing it."

Brown died of heart failure on Christmas Day after being admitted to Emory Crawford Long Hospital in Atlanta the previous evening. He was 73 years old.

Top 11 Reasons Harry Reid is Skipping Gerald Ford’s State Funeral

11. Reid has shied away from funerals always ever since the Wellstone memorial service debacle

10. Considered Ford's policies radical and out of the mainstream

9. It wouldn’t be fair to the President of Peru to get his hopes up by agreeing to a meeting and then crush his dreams by canceling it

8. George Soros hasn't given him permission to go

7. Ford’s the guy who lost to Jimmy Carter and thus crippled the Democratic Party for decades

6. Irrational fear that Ford will somehow nail him with an errant drive from beyond the grave

5. Busy replacing Bill Frist's tacky office drapes

4. Agrees with Cindy Sheehan that Ford’s pardon of Nixon is one of the factors that led to the Gulf War

3. Busy giving an interview to Bob Woodward for release after his own death

2. Going to funerals is the Vice Majority Leader’s job

1. Checking out a couple of land deals in Vegas that are "too good to be true"

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Sympathy for the Devil

This weekend I watched “The Devil Wears Prada” (spoilers follow, but unless this is your first ever Hollywood movie, you already know how it’s going to end, anyway).

Anne Hathaway plays Andrea Sachs, an earnest young Northwestern University journalism graduate. She moves to New York and manages to land a job as assistant to powerful fashion editor Miranda Priestly, the eponymous Prada wearing devil.

Andrea has no fashion sense whatsoever and even a slight contempt for the fashion industry. This is certainly defensible, but if you are going to work in the fashion industry, you should probably know something about it, like an assistant to the editor of Sports Illustrated should probably know something about sports or the assistant to Atomizer at Fraters Libertas should probably know the difference between gin and vermouth (Note to self: title for that screenplay on my experiences as an intern at Fraters Libertas: “The Devil Drank Bombay Sapphire”).

Yes, I know we’re supposed to hate the demanding and allegedly callous Miranda Priestly, but I can’t help but view her sympathetically. Clearly she has made it to the top of her profession because she demands excellence from herself and those around her. It is not too much to ask to have an assistant who can deliver the cappuccino how she likes it and when she wants it. She doesn’t want to hear whining excuses from her incompetent underlings, and this is supposed to make her evil? As Andrea is told several times, there are many who would kill for the chance to learn from someone like Miranda Priestly and to her credit, Andrea does commits herself to the job and becomes a more than competent assistant. However, the demands of the job create relationship problems for Andrea (she should thank Miranda driving away her loser boyfriend) and here is where this otherwise fine movie, predictably, goes off the rails.

In Hollywood, they consider doing what it takes to be a success in a for-profit business to be “crossing over to the dark side” (at least on the screen they do – Hollywood is no doubt filled at all levels with people who make Miranda Priestly look like a pussycat). It is supposed to be a happy ending when Andrea quits her job, chucks her cell phone into a fountain, makes up with the loser boyfriend, and takes a lame job at some lame newspaper. I found it depressing. I was cheering for Miranda, and for her protégé Andrea to follow in her footsteps, only to be disappointed in the end. Again.

NIHILIST ADDS: Sisyphus and others dissapointed in "Devil" should pick up Kevin Spacey's 1994 film, "Swimming With Sharks." It has a similar plot, but I'm guessing the ending isn't as cutesy.

Top 11 Changes In Store For the StarTribune Now That It Has Been Sold To A Private Equity Group

11. Doug Grow, Nick Coleman, and Katherine Kerston's metro section columns will be outsourced to low-cost metro section columnists in India

10. Jim Boyd will no longer have the power to reject business from advertisers who don't sufficiently endorse his politics

9. Avista Capital Partners will save $100,000 annually by banning Patrick Reusse from the all-you-can-eat days at the company cafeteria

8. In order to create synergies, Steve Berg will only plagiarize from other publications owned by Avista Capital Partners

7. Dilbert will be removed from the comics page on the grounds that it is "hate speech"

6. Craig Westover will be offered $76 per column to lure him from the Pioneer Press

5. Sid Hartman's contract will be re-written to save money by paying him per coherent sentence

4. Kate Parry will be replaced by a monkey trained to type, "No bias here"

3. Nick Coleman will no longer be offered his annual paid paternity leave

2. In a break from past policy, the paper will refrain from gratuitously insulting its readers

1. The gold shrine to Karl Marx in the atrium of the main building will be sold in order to provide needed cash flow

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Pursuit of Happyness: Minnesota Style

Since it is still Christmas time, I thought I'd share the inspiring story of our old friend at NIGP, Leon. As you may remember from about a year ago, Leon was homeless, living behind a KFC dumpster. Leon recently wrote with his inspiring story of how he overcame the odds and changed his situation in life:


My story is a lot like that guy that Will Smith is playing in his new movie. I was living with my baby and his mama in a Minneapolis apartment a few years ago and times were tough. Baby mama had a regular job and I worked a little. I sold bone density scanners that fell off a truck to hospitals. But the hospitals were suspicious of where I got them and they just weren't buying.

One day baby mama got fed up and left for New York to live with her sister. I demanded that she take the boy, but she left him with me. We got by best we could until tragedy struck. Not being a skilled cook, I started a small kitchen fire. I called the fire department, expecting they could put it out. The next thing I knew, my building was filled with lesbians. The apartment burned to the ground as the lesbians made out.

Homeless now, my boy and me lived in my car. But the car got impounded because I had too many parking tickets and wasn't a militant Muslim congressman. At that point we moved behind the dumpster at KFC, where our only food was leftover chicken bones and those delicious potato-corn-chicken-gravy-cheese bowls.

Most days we just rode the bus to pass the time. Then one day I overheard a man in a suit talking about an internship as a stock broker at his downtown firm. This could be my ticket out! With some hard work, I could show my son that we could overcome any obstacle.

After the man in the suit got off the bus, a guy got on wearing faded dockers and an old shirt. He was talking about how he worked for the county and how they had a generous welfare program: subsidized housing, welfare, food stamps and even unemployment could be mine, without the indignity of actually working for it. I went right to his office to sign up. There was only one more thing to do. To qualify for unemployment I needed to show that I had looked for a job.

I remembered the stock broker internship, so I went to apply. To insure my unemployment check without work, I made sure to wear a paint-speckled wife-beater tee shirt to the interview. The guy interviewing me asked if I believed that he'd given a job to a man who walked in without a shirt. "Damn," I said. "I wasn't even going to wear pants!" No one laughed, but I secured my unemployment check.

So that's my story. I've found my happiness and I hope you and your readers find yours too.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Top 11 Things We Don't Want To Find In Our Christmas Stocking

Santa's making his rounds tonight, and we here at NIGP have been pretty good (at least we like to think so). However, if Santa disagrees, we hope he'll stick to lumps of coal instead of these punishments:

11. The Bonnie Bleskachek Rules of Management Handbook

10. The Minnesota Vikings Offense 2006 Highlight Video

9. Carlos Santana Cologne (ed: who wouldn't want to smell like Carlos after two hours of jamming under hot stage lights?)

8. The Britney Spears' Guide to Partying and Child Rearing

7. Paris Hilton's album, "Paris"

6. Dustin "Screech" Diamond's Pornographic Video Tape: "Saved By The Smell"

5. Rosie O'Donnell's 365 opinions 2007 calendar

4. A Taco John's e-coli snack pack

3. Anything in any way related to Jimmy Carter

2. The collected writings of Hendrik Hertzberg as paraphrased by the Star Tribune

1. The extended length DVD of Al Gore's global warming movie with 30% more lecturing

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Top 11 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch The Vikings On Offense

11. Watch "The View"

10. Celebrate Christmas at Keith Ellison's house

9. Read Scott Johnson waxing about how Frank Sinatra is like, a good singer

8. Sit through a time share pitch for Branson, Missouri

7. Read one of Dean Barnett's Q and A posts

6. Listen to Mitch Berg perform the Brandenburg Concerto on bagpipes

5. Watch the House debate the 2007 Farm Bill on C-Span

4. Go to my office's "alcohol free holiday party"

3. Watch Al Gore's Global Warming movie

2. Listen to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck discuss public policy on "Hardball"

1. Regrout my shower

Cynical Vikings Guy: An E-mail For Help

From: Obnoxious Packer Guy
Subject: Help!

Dear Cynical Vikings Guy,
This is Obnoxious Packer Guy here to report that life sucks despite the fact that the Packers crushed the Vikes. Hold on, while I snag the leftover beer from the guy who just left the computer next to mine.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here’s my story: Wednesday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “Packers giving a mere three and a half to the Vikings”.

Every once in awhile we see this late in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how historically great the Packers are and enough ignorant gamblers hate the Pack that the point spread becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Wednesday night – ALL of my available money was going on the Packers -3.5 versus the Vikings (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). No need to go to church to pray for the Pack because everyone knows that St. Lombardi has already put in a good word with the big guy.

It was clear early on that my prayers would be answered despite the interceptions thrown by St. Bart. Then the officials made good on the bribes paid by the Vikings and erroneously ruled that Bubba Franks fumbled before getting into the end zone. The Pack ended up winning by 2, but failed to cover the spread. I tried to cash my tickets anyway, pointing out that the Packers were clearly the superior team and were screwed by the officials, but I was escorted out of each casino by security. I have instructed Learned Foot to proceed with my lawsuits to force the casinos to pay.

In the meantime, I was penniless, so I wandered up and down the strip looking for abandoned glasses of liquor. I eventually made my way to the Clark County Library on Flamingo Road. I spent the night in the Football section soaking in my own urine. This morning, I spotted the computers and decided to make this plea to you for help, Cynical Vikings Guy. You see, I noticed that the early lines had the Packers actually getting points from the Bears next week when everyone knows that we will win outright. Please ask your readers to send me all the money they possibly can (to Obnoxious Packer Guy, c/o Clark County Library, 1401 E. Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas, NV). Thanks! I know I can count on you and your readers, and of course, the Packers to get me back to drinking fresh beer!

Go! Pack! Go!
Obnoxious Packer Guy

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Top 11 Shocking Revelations In The Documents That Sandy Berger Pilfered From The National Archives

11. After embassy bombings, Bill Clinton ordered bombing of Alka Seltzer factory, not aspirin factory

10. The Clinton team successfully covered up the fact that Bill gave Monica Lewenski a "Dirty Sanchez"

9. Disturbing surveillance photos of Danny Devito banging his wife in the Lincoln Bedroom

8. Sandy Berger's favorite game at State Dinners -- Guess What's in My Pants?

7. Michael Jordan's autograph on basketball that Madeline Albright presented to Kim Jung Il was fake

6. Transcript of cell phone intercepts of Berger having phone sex with Lady Di

5. William Perry used to lead singing rounds of "Give Peace A Chance" at cabinet meetings

4. Bruce Springsteen actually wrote the tender romantic ballad "Sandy" about Berger

3. Clinton refused CIA advice to deliver a vigorous finger waving to Al Qaeda to demonstrate America's resolve

2. Minutes showing that Al Gore asked "What is this E85 stuff, again?" at almost every cabinet meeting

1. Al Gore once suggested nominating Judge Reinhold to Supreme Court

Top 11 Things Rosie O'Donnell and The Donald Are Fighting About

11. Rosie keeps pushing the envelope of "all you can eat" at the Trump Plaza buffet

10. Rosie feels Donald's preference for marrying beautiful women is discriminatory

09. Rosie is jealous that The Donald gets to feel up Tara Connor

08. Rosie is angry that people repeatedly mistake her ass for Trump Tower

07. The Donald once said he loves America

06. They don't really hate each other, they are just promoting their upcoming sumo wrestling match

05. Rosie’s gravitational field messes up The Donald’s hair

04. Trump never got over the fact that Rosie really didn't have a crush on Tom Cruise

03. Trump has cornered the market on white babies available for adoption

02. Trump's new condo project in New York is also called "The View"

01. Trump upset that now anytime he thinks about lesbians, he can’t get a picture of Rosie out of his mind (shudders)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Former Minneapolis City Council Member Dean Zimmerman Is Looking Forward to Prison

Former Minneapolis City Councilman and Green Party member Dean Zimmerman is to be sentenced today in federal court after being convicted of bribery. According to the Star Tribune, he is actually looking forward to certain aspects of prison. Here are the top 11 reasons:

11. Prison is great for reducing your carbon footprint

10. His fellow inmates will honor him as a king after he convinces the warden to institute a prison-wide smoking ban

9. Wants a career writing country music

8. Prison now actually safer than living in Minneapolis

7. Has a brother already doing time for Driving While Polish and after watching too much prime-time FOX, decided this is a good way to break him out

6. Former fellow Minneapolis Council members Joe Biernat and Brian Herron always talking about how much fun they had in prison

5. Wants to participate in a big song and dance number like the prisoners in the Broadway musical "Chicago"

4. Great stepping stone to the Washington D.C. City Council

3. Hoping to someday share a cell with Bonnie Bleskachek

2. Prison beats installing garage door openers in December

1. Being told what to do and when to do it, all day, every day sounds like a socialist utopia

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Top 11 Punishments for Tara Connor

Miss USA has been naughty lately. Here are our top 11 punishments for her:

11. Will become Donald Trump's wife after his next divorce

10. Not allowed to date Derek Jeter any more

9. Forced to star in a VH1 reality show

8. People will confuse her with Paris Hilton

7. Will have her enhancements done by Tara Reid's plastic surgeon

6. Will become a weekly guest on The Howard Stern Show, where she will repeatedly hear Howard list, ". . . the things I'd like to do to you."

5. Forced to move back to Kentucky

4. Must apologize on Jesse Jackson's radio show

3. Will bunk below Nicole Ritchie in the treatment center

2. Will have to hold Lindsay Lohan's hair the next time Lindsay vomits

1. Prohibited from wearing her tiara in her upcoming Playboy spread

Monday, December 18, 2006

Nihilist in Golf Pants Person Of The Year For 2006: The Sun

It’s big and hot and yellow and it’s responsible for all life on Earth and now, once again, it is the Nihilist in Golf Pants Person of the Year. It is the Sun. The Sun started out four and half billion years ago as several million tons of hydrogen. Over the years it has converted about a fourth of that to helium and in the process provided heat and light for not just Earth, but the entire solar system.

Some may criticize our decision to name the Sun our person of the year for the thirty-eighth time in forty years and others may nitpick that the Sun is not actually a person. This award is meant to encourage and not end the debate. But only a moron would fail to recognize that without the Sun and its life-giving nuclear fusion, there would be no people on Earth whatsoever.

Americans flock to beaches to sit out in the Sun. They whine when it is hidden behind clouds. They breathe the oxygen it helps to produce via photosynthesis. America is in love with the Sun and so are we here at Nihilist in Golf Pants, and that is why we name the Sun our person of the year for 2006.

Previous NIGP Persons of the Year:
2005: The Sun
2004: The Sun
2003: The Sun
2002: Grant Potulny
2001: The Sun
2000: The Sun
1999: The Sun
1998: The Sun
1997: The Sun
1996: The Sun
1995: The Sun
1994: The Sun
1993: The Sun
1992: The Sun
1991: The Sun
1990: The Sun
1989: The Sun
1988: The Sun
1987: The Sun
1986: The Sun
1985: The Sun
1984: The Sun
1983: The Sun
1982: The Sun
1981: The Sun
1980: The Sun
1979: Killer Swampee
1978: The Sun
1977: The Sun
1976: The Sun
1975: The Sun
1974: The Sun
1973: The Sun
1972: The Sun
1971: The Sun
1970: The Sun
1969: The Sun
1968: The Sun
1967: The Sun

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Your Alanis Morsette Moment

Stress Expert and author of the self-help book, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff," Richard Carlson died yesterday of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 45.

His agnostic, self-centered psychology appealed to many baby boomers and other feel-good hipsters. From his obituary:

Carlson was a popular motivational speaker, stress consultant and media figure dubbed one of the world's foremost happiness experts. . . For Carlson, who practiced meditation but wasn't a conspicuous religious seeker, the joy of living was in the positive relationships one could make. The danger was in the tangle of one's own thoughts.

The same editorial contains one clear paradox:

"He always reasoned that the corporations aren't going to use that money for the same good you and I are, so let's get more," Breitman said. "It was so delightful to work for someone who really cared about the world in his own heart rather than his own greed."

So he wanted to get as much money for his books as possible because he wasn't greedy. I wonder if Grover Norquist or David Strom will get such accolades upon their demise for feeling the same way about giving money to the government?

A lot of Carlson's advise is practical and true. However, the substitution of his psychobabble for real moral teaching that used to come in a religious framework is troubling.

"And he always ended his correspondence with 'Treasure Yourself.' "

Carlson is right that the most important thing in your life isn't your next meeting, next phone call or even your kid's soccer schedule. However, there is something greater than self. Hopefully his followers will realize that. It's possible that he did:

Carlson was a large supporter of and participant in the National Center for Family Literacy. At the time of his death, he was working on a project with them calling for "A Penny a Book" from publishers, authors and literary agents to promote literacy.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Star Tribune Editor Anders Gyllenhaal Is Leaving to Become Editor of the Miami Herald

11. The Power Line guys rarely read the Miami Herald

10. He realizes that global warming is BS and Miami won’t soon be swallowed up by a rising ocean

9. He misses Daunte Culpepper

8. Wanted to move to a city with less of a crime problem

7. The Herald has David Berry, who’s kind of a more liberal James Lileks

6. No rival newspapers with $75 hobby columnists who do a better job than his professionals

5. There are no mean nicknames for the Herald, like Star and Sickle and Red Star

4. No one at the Miami Herald will be constantly hounding him to hire Laura Billings

3. Hopes to start driving a Ferrari, shave no more than once a week, wear pastel shirts, and fight drug dealers like his heroes Crockett and Tubbs

2. No one in Miami reads the New Yorker

1. Pulitzer Prizes since 1991:
Miami Herald: 7
Star Tribune: 0

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Evel Kneivel Is Suing Kanye West

Evel is suing Kanye. Here are the Top 11 reasons:

11. Kanye's career is about to impersonate Evel's Snake River canyon jump

10. Kanye's public appearances parody brain injured people like Evel

09. Evel is angry that Kanye interrupted his "Where are they now?" award with a profanity laced tirade

08. Kanye publicly blamed Evel for Hurricane Katrina

07. Wanted to try a truly dangerous stunt: getting involved in a rap feud

06. Evel is afraid his fans will get confused and start thinking he’s a 28 year old rapper

05. Needed cash after being successfully sued by Bozo the Clown for stealing his hairdo

04. Evel defamed when Kayne left him off the list of those who hate black people

03. The name "Kayne" is discriminatory toward those who have problems with pronunciation

02. Was jealous that Scott Johnson wrote a long piece about the Importance of Kanye's music

01. "Racism" (the City Pages reason anything happens)

Top 11 Conferences Sponsored By The Iranian Government After They Finish Their Current Conference On Whether The Holocaust Happened

11. Did O.J. really do it?

10. Was the Lindberg baby kidnapped?

9. Are we Shiites or Sunnis?

8. Will Hugh Hewitt have a guest host any time soon?

7. Should Dennis Hastert lose a few pounds?

6. Do we plan to develop nuclear capability for sinister purposes?

5. Does Nicole Ritchie have a substance abuse problem?

4. Will Dustin Diamond continue to get shut out at Emmy time?

3. Would Rosie O'Donnell look better in a burkha?

2. Is Tom Cruise trying a little too hard to prove he's hetrosexual?

1. 9/11: Zionist comspiracy or Bush hoax?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Incoming House Intelligence Committee Chair Silvestre Reyes' Top 11 Ideas About Terrorism

11. Thinks that "Wahhabi" is the catch phrase from a Budweiser commercial

10. Doesn't know the difference between Mecca and macaca

9. Thinks "Allah" is the name of that new Gwen Stefani song

8. Wants to go back to the Clinton policy of NSA surveillance of current and past members of the British Royal Family

7. Wants to declare Taco Johns a terrorist organization for producing weapons of mass destruction

6. Thinks that "Jihad" is the name of a yoga position

5. Believes that more needs to be done to bring Dr. Evil to justice

4. Thinks "Hamas" is a physical condition resulting from eating too much pork

3. Thinks that the only bomb threatening the US is "Deck the Halls" starring Danny Devito

2. Thinks that blind Mullah Omar is an influential blues guitarist

1. Thinks Al Qaeda was a guy he went to high school with

Top 11 Surprises In Kofi Annan’s Fairwell Speach

11. Admitted that he ignored Darfur because there were no American interests there to oppose

10. Said that even he is tiring of the French

9. Proposed marriage to Britney Spears

8. Denied the rumor that he ghost wrote all of Jimmy Carter’s poetry

7. In a profanity filled five minute aside, he denounced Sony for not making enough PlayStation 3s

6. Admitted that even liberals don’t think that Al Franken is funny

5. Sang a medley from “Phantom of the Opera”

4. Asked Nancy Pelosi to appoint him Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee

3. Confessed that he was the one who always left dirty dishes in the sink of the UN break room

2. Announced his intention to take down Kobayashi at the next Nathan’s hot dog eating contest

1. Accused Sacha Baron Cohen of ripping off his “Borat” bit

Monday, December 11, 2006

Top 11 Reasons the People of Louisiana’s Second Congressional District Re-elected William “Ice Box” Jefferson

11. He promised 90k in every pot

10. People of Louisiana not yet ready to elect an honest person to public office

9. The Hurricane Katrina relief was so well handled that everyone involved was a shoe-in for re-election

8. He has to be innocent because only Republicans are corrupt

7. Didn’t want to leave Alcee Hastings and John Murtha as the only openly corrupt members of Congress

6. His opponent was a woman

5. The runoff election was held on a Saturday and only criminals vote on Saturdays

4. Half of them thought they were voting for Thomas Jefferson

3. And the other half thought they were voting for former Chicago Bear William “The Refrigerator” Perry

2. Who better to help Nancy Pelosi clean up the culture of corruption than a crook?

1. Huey Long wasn’t on the ballot

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Top 11 Baby Name Recommendations For Mary Cheney

11. Adam
10. Steve
9. Pat
8. Rosie
7. George
6. Barney
5. Frank
4. Les
3. Gaylord
2. Suri
1. Dick

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Keepin' It Real World

Everyone knows that The Real World is hit and miss. Some seasons are boring and terrible. However not this year. In a mere 3 episodes of The Real World Denver we have met:
  • Jennifer, who in episode 1 has the classic quote, "The next thing I know, I'm having sex." Perplexing how that could happen. She's referring to relations with:
  • Alex, who, after bedding Jen in episode 1, gets it on in episode 2 with another house bimbo:
  • Colie, who is not named after a dog, though she seems to have some self-esteem issues
  • Brook is a name you might expect from a hosebag, although she's managed to keep her pants on in the first 3 episodes
  • Stephen is unusual for The Real World. He's a black Republican and actually seems to have some morals and intelligence. Of course, he ends up rooming with gayster:
  • Davis, who doesn't appreciate his morality. Or something. Later Davis gets really drunk and proves he is a potentially a very stupid racist as he picks a fight with and uses the n-word to describe:
  • Tyrie, who is a huge fellow that doesn't appreciate having the n-word used to describe him. Then again, neither does Stephen.

Amazingly, Tyrie shows discretion and refuses to punch Davis. The next morning Stephen and Tyrie accept an apology from Davis and convince him that they all can live together. No mention of singing Kumbaya is found, although it would have been in keeping with the tone of the show.

Guarantees in the next few episode:

  • Lots of whoring around
  • Roomates are given a cushy job that they manage to screw up
  • Someone learns that being gay really isn't a choice

Real World, welcome back!

UPDATE: I almost forgot to mention the most comical moment in the show's brief run. Before having sex in episode 2, Colie asks Alex to make a pledge that they will remain faithful to each other for 24 hours. Alex makes the pledge, but then the next morning informs Colie that 24 hours is just too long and that he can't possibly remain faithful. It's sad when relationships fail after two people work so hard to maintain them for 10 hours.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Top 11 Highlights of the Iraq Study Group Report

11. All flying Imams will automatically get second package of pretzels without needing to ask

10. To avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, President Bush is urged to grant concessions to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears in exchange for their agreement to wear underpants

9. The First Gulf War is to hereafter be referred to as “The Kick-Ass Gulf War”

8. True name "Iraq Surrender Group" revealed

7. The TV networks are called on to make more episodes of “Matlock” and “Murder She Wrote”

6. The doctor who did James Baker's hair plugs to be placed on the terrorist watch list

5. Asserts that Tom Cruise’s plan for convincing people that he is straight is “Not Working”

4. They recommend against drinking the water that was recently discovered on Mars

3. Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy extended to Iranian nukes

2. Agreed to accept Michael Richards’ apology provided he enters rehab

1. Proved once again that study groups work best when one nerdy guy does all the work and the rest drink beer and flirt with the one hot chick

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Top 11 Names for Conservatives to Be Used in Future Star Tribune Editorials

Now that the Star Tribune editorial board has to at least temporarily halt their serial plagiarizing of others' work, they're being forced to write their own editorials. This resulted in the following exposure of their intellect and wit last week:

You've gotta hand it to Keith Ellison, Minneapolis' congressman-elect: He's not even in the House yet, and he's got wingnuts falling out of the trees on their empty heads.

When Ellison announced that he would take the oath of office on the Qur'an, right-wing radio gasbag Dennis Prager went into high indignation mode.

Until they can find a writer even more obscure than Hendrik Hertzberg to rip off, readers can expect more of the same. Here are the top 11 names we predict the Star Tribune will call conservatives in the coming days:

11. Stupidheads

10. Asshats

9. Fundies

8. Repugs

7. Christianists

6. Fetus worshippers

5. Theocons

4. Red-state-necks

3. Lonely guys writing withering and anonymous social commentary in their underpants

2. New Yorker non-readers

1. Hairy-backed swamp developers

Monday, December 04, 2006

Top 11 Candidates for UN Ambassador That Would Be Confirmed By the Democrats

11. George Mitchell
10. George Michael
9. Gwyneth Paltrow
8. Kofi Annan
7. John Murtha
6. Alcee Hastings
5. William Jefferson
4. William Jefferson Clinton
3. Al Capone
2. Any Dixie Chick
1. Neville Chamberlain

Sunday, December 03, 2006

What's In A Name Calling?

My great-aunt Gertrude and uncle Ogden are a pair of those annoying people who write a Christmas letter. In fact, the week after Thanksgiving their letter arrives telling a bunch of useless stories (I won't bore you with examples other than to say there was a half page about how Ogden is basically too cheap to buy a new lawn mower). However there was one interesting item in this year's letter that I think bears sharing:

In November, we decided to drive down to Branson, Missouri with Marge and Bob Gunderson. . . (ed: skipping irrelivent information like how they stopped at a Bob Evans restaurant along the way, etc.). That night the four of us planned to go see Yakov Smirnoff at his comedy club. Unfortunately, he wasn't there. His replacement comedian was Jaleel White, who you may remember as Urkell from the hilarious TV show "Family Matters." (ed: the last comment gives a deep insight into the soul of aunt Gertrude).

We arrived slightly late, and Jaleel White appeared annoyed with us. Bob Gunderson's hearing aid battery was pretty much dead, so after each joke, he'd yell to Marge, "What did he say?" Apparently Bob's yelling really upset Jaleel White, because he stopped the show and addressed out table.

"You Darned honkeys! If you pulled that stuff in my hood, we'd steal your hubcaps!"

We were horrified. Jaleel White continued his rant.

"Look at him. He's a honkey! A honkey! Probably eats a peanut butter sandwich on Wonder Bread. And I'm sure it's not chunky peanut butter either, only smooth peanut butter for honkeys! Darn you, honkey! You hear me, honkey? Hey, security! Escort that honkey to the door. He's a honkey! A honkey!"

Marge and I were in tears. We were humiliated. Ogden and Bob escorted us out and then went to complain to the club manager. The manager refunded our show tickets, comped our drinks, and gave us each $10 discount passes to Persimmon Hill Berry Farm, where we picked up some nice jelly. But that could not erase the pain we felt at having TV's beloved Urkell deride us in such an insensitive manner.

Wow! I can't imagine something like that happening in this more enlightened day and age!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Top 11 Books For Oaths Of Office

Representative Keith Ellison is planning on eschewing the Bible when taking his oath of office next month. Elliston will be replacing the Bible with his religious text of choice, the Koran. To my knowledge, replacing the Bible with another book is unprecedented, although I am told others have taken the oath without a book or sometimes with the Bible and another book (I believe the Book of Mormon has accompanied the Bible in a handful of cases).

As a conservative with strong libertarian tendencies, I cannot get offended by Ellison's decision to use his book of choice. However, since many liberals get in a snit over the so-called "separation between church and state," I wonder why we use a religious book at all. I think Elliston may be at the beginning of a revolution that will lead to many other books being used for oaths of state. Since we are in a secular and individualistic society, I can envision a world where each individual picks a book with deep meaning to himself (or herself). Here are some possible combinations that might have been used in the past if the Ellison precedent had existed:

11. President Bill Clinton - "The Joy of Sex" by Alex Comfort

10. Senator Ted Kennedy - "The Playboy Bartender's Guide (Deluxe Edition)"

9. Senator Hillary Clinton - "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan

8. Senator Harry Reid - "The Godfather" by Mario Puzzo

7. Senator Amy Klobuchar - "Your Inner Beauty" by Jill Freeman

6. Senator Robert Byrd - "My Life In The Klan" by Jerry Thompson

5. Governor Jesse Ventura - "Dr. Seuss's ABC (an I can read all by myself beginner book)"

4. Vice-President Al Gore - "The Joy of Worry" by Ellis Weiner & Ron Chast

3. Senator Paul Wellstone - "The Communist Manifesto" by Karl Marx & Frederick Engles

2. President Jimmy Carter - "Rabbit, Run" by John Updike

1. Representative Barney Frank - "Liberace: An Autobiography"