Friday, December 22, 2006

Cynical Vikings Guy: An E-mail For Help

From: Obnoxious Packer Guy
Subject: Help!

Dear Cynical Vikings Guy,
This is Obnoxious Packer Guy here to report that life sucks despite the fact that the Packers crushed the Vikes. Hold on, while I snag the leftover beer from the guy who just left the computer next to mine.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here’s my story: Wednesday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “Packers giving a mere three and a half to the Vikings”.

Every once in awhile we see this late in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how historically great the Packers are and enough ignorant gamblers hate the Pack that the point spread becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Wednesday night – ALL of my available money was going on the Packers -3.5 versus the Vikings (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). No need to go to church to pray for the Pack because everyone knows that St. Lombardi has already put in a good word with the big guy.

It was clear early on that my prayers would be answered despite the interceptions thrown by St. Bart. Then the officials made good on the bribes paid by the Vikings and erroneously ruled that Bubba Franks fumbled before getting into the end zone. The Pack ended up winning by 2, but failed to cover the spread. I tried to cash my tickets anyway, pointing out that the Packers were clearly the superior team and were screwed by the officials, but I was escorted out of each casino by security. I have instructed Learned Foot to proceed with my lawsuits to force the casinos to pay.

In the meantime, I was penniless, so I wandered up and down the strip looking for abandoned glasses of liquor. I eventually made my way to the Clark County Library on Flamingo Road. I spent the night in the Football section soaking in my own urine. This morning, I spotted the computers and decided to make this plea to you for help, Cynical Vikings Guy. You see, I noticed that the early lines had the Packers actually getting points from the Bears next week when everyone knows that we will win outright. Please ask your readers to send me all the money they possibly can (to Obnoxious Packer Guy, c/o Clark County Library, 1401 E. Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas, NV). Thanks! I know I can count on you and your readers, and of course, the Packers to get me back to drinking fresh beer!

Go! Pack! Go!
Obnoxious Packer Guy


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Know what the sweetest words in the English language are? "The Vikings have been eliminated from the playoffs".

Not quite as good as this one, but we'll take it.

-- A different obnoxious Packer guy.

6:30 PM  

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