Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Sisyphus Interview: Killer Swampee Tells (Almost) All

After years of turning down all interview requests, Killer Swampee, the rabbit that attacked President Jimmy Carter has at long last agreed to an interview. Here is the Nihilist in Golf Pants Exclusive:

SISYPHUS: So, do you remember where you were April 20, 1979?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] Yeah man, I’m not gonna forget that day anytime soon.

SISYPHUS: I’m sure you’re not the only one. What everyone wants to know is why? Where you after the Billy Beer on the boat?
KILLER SWAMPEE: No man, I can’t choke down Grain Belt let alone that swill. Billy was a good guy though.

SISYPHUS: Why then did you try to get on the Presidents’ boat?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Jimmy knows. Go ask him.

SISYPHUS: I want to hear your side of the story?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Let’s just say that Jimmy and I go way back. He knows what he did. He better stay away from me and outa my swamp. KnowwhatImean?

SISYPHUS: Jody Powell described you as “clearly in distress or perhaps berserk”. Is that accurate?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Spin, man, that be just spin. I was calm and rational, man. I just wanted to have a word. Then he come after me with that oar. That was unprovoked, man. If I was the Ayatollah, man, he wouldn’ta come after me.

SISYPHUS: True enough, but you must have really done something to get him to react with force.
KILLER SWAMPEE: Like I say, Jimmy and me have history goin’ way back. I’m savin’ the details for my memoirs. That bitch better hope I never get around to writin’ ‘em. If I went up to him on his turf, say the house in Plains or the White House, sure, I’d respect him for coming at me with an oar. But he was in my swamp, man. Don’t go disrespecting me in my own swamp like that.

SISYPHUS: You sound like you’ve had previous run-ins with the President Carter, yet he was quoted as saying that he had little experience dealing with enraged rabbits.
KILLER SWAMPEE: That be a flat out lie. We had many dealin’s when I be more enraged than I was that day. I never threatened him violence though, not ever. I’m a lover, not a fighter. He be the one who came after me with the oar.

SISYPHUS: What did you think of the Carter Administration?
KILLER SWAMPEE: I never followed politics, man, but even in the swamp everyone knew that Jimmy gone messed up the country. No one here be surprised either. We all hate all the Carters especially Jimmy and that whining Amy. Cept for Billy, we all liked Billy.

SISYPHUS: Would you describe yourself as an Angry Gray Rabbit?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] No, that’s the media’s description. I’m not angry, but it is hard out here for a swamp rabbit.

SISYPHUS: How did the events of April 20, 1979 effect your relations with the others in the swamp?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Man, I gotta admit that that day didn’t hurt my swamp-cred none. After that the ladies were a little more receptive, if you know what I mean.

SISYPHUS: Anything you’d like to say to President Carter?
KILLER SWAMPEE: Nope. He know to stay outa my swamp. If he come back he better bring more than just that oar.

SISYPHUS: One final question: Was Rove involved?
KILLER SWAMPEE: [laughs] No comment, man, no comment.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently Jimmy Carter learned a lot when visiting the swamp. Read on...

"Across the globe, The Carter Center improves quality of life through programs that work to eradicate and control infectious diseases, health education projects teaching people to prevent disease, and agricultural training to multiply crop yields. These activities build hope among the world's poorest people by alleviating unnecessary suffering and showing people how they can take steps to transform their own lives.

The Center leads a worldwide campaign that has achieved more than 99 percent reduction of Guinea worm disease in Africa and Asia. Through the River Blindness Program, The Carter Center has assisted in the delivery of more than 60 million treatments of Mectizan® in Africa and Latin America. Applying experience and knowledge gained from Guinea worm eradication and river blindness control efforts, the Trachoma Control Program fights blinding trachoma in Africa. The Carter Center tackles two additional diseases in Nigeria - lymphatic filariasis and schistosomiasis - and through the Ethiopia Public Health Initiative, the Center conducts public health training. Farmers are learning improved agricultural techniques to grow more food for their families and boost the economy in sub-Saharan Africa."

"We believe good health is a basic human right, especially among poor people afflicted with disease who are isolated, forgotten, ignored, and often without hope. Just to know that someone cares about them can not only ease their physical pain but also remove an element of alienation and anger that can lead to hatred and violence.”
--Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter

6:30 PM  

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