Top 11 Annoying Questions Asked by Potential Buyers of the Coleman/Billings Mansion

In today’s column, Laura Billings laments the many difficulties she and hubby Nick faced in unloading their Crocus Hill mansion. Chief among the complaints was “being pestered by annoying questions” (the nerve of some people!).

Thanks to NSA wiretaps leaked to us by the Bush administration, we can now reveal the top 11 annoying questions asked by potential buyers of the Coleman/Billings Mansion:

11. Will Brian Lambert still cut the grass here after you've moved?

10. Are you going to have that mountain of White Castle wrappers removed, or will that be my responsibility?

9. Is the fountain made of empty Viagra bottles included?

8. If you miss the toilet that much, why'd you carpet the bathroom?

7. Who is Deborah Howell and why is she listed as the house's true owner?

6. How much does it cost to heat the Olympic sized hot tub?

5. Why does the entire place smell like soiled hockey equipment?

4. When will you clear up that lien that Marshall Fields has on the place so the title can be transferred?

3. Is it my imagination, or are there faint screams coming from under the basement floor?

2. Is the Grotto an exact replica of the one at the Playboy Mansion?

1. Why do all the books in the basement have stamped on them "Property of Maxfield Elementary School"?