Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Top 11.5 Ways R.T. Rybak Plans to Work Harder to Reduce Crime in Minneapolis

The end of the Minneapolis crime wave is in sight! Mayor R. T. Rybak has announced that he will try harder to reduce crime in the city. Here are his top 11 (and a half) ideas:

11. When stage-diving off of Gay Pride Parade floats, he will try to land on criminals

10. Remind gun wielding gang members that gun smoke is a violation of the Kyoto Protocols

9. Brighter Bat Signal

8. All buildings in Uptown will be painted a soothing pink

7. Help Amy Klobuchar get elected to the Senate so that she can be replaced with a competent County Attorney

6. Zero tolerance for newspaper pilfering Strib employees

6.5 Bring in Jimmy Carter to mediate

5. Make smoking in bars or restaurants a felony

4. Special anti-crime brainstorming camping trip with fellow "Brokeback Mayor" Chris Coleman

3. Decree anyone arrested for murder in Minneapolis will be dressed as a female firefighter and have to share a cell with Bonnie Bleskachek

2. Appoint even more commissions to study ways to reduce crime and demand that they turn in actionable white papers no later than July 2009

1. Urge citizens of Minneapolis to move along, there's nothing to see here


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