Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Top 11 Upcoming Star Tribune Cost Cutting Measures

The Star Tribune is trying to cut costs by no longer supplying free newspapers to their employees. Unfortunately, this has not saved the money they’d hoped because their scofflaw employees keep stealing extra copies from the newspaper boxes. Thus, the Strib will have no choice but to institute additional cost cutting measures. Her are the top 11:

11. Employees will be ordered to not write anything that might win a Pulitzer to save the expense of an office celebration

10. Lileks’ desk will be replaced with a plastic Fisher Price model

9. Money will be saved by encouraging Nick Coleman to recycle his old Pioneer Press columns

8. More female employees will be hired since statistics show that women are paid less than men

7. Employees will be charged rent to use their cubicles

6. Rather than paying a market-research firm to conduct the “Minnesota Poll” they will just poll a representative committee of Nick Coleman, Doug Grow, Jim Boyd and Kate Parry.

5. Patrick Reusse's per diem meal expenses will be capped at $150

4. Gatekeepers will be replaced with Virtual Gatekeepers

3. DFL press releases will be run as is instead of paying someone to re-write them

2. Expensive toilet paper will be replaced with unsold back issues

1. The entire editorial staff will be fired and a chimp will be trained to type “Bush Sucks" 365 days a year


Blogger Teaparty said...

I wonder for how long the Trib has been counting the pilfered papers in their circulation figures.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

you mean they actually rewrite the DFL press releases? huh. I'd never have guessed!

10:00 AM  

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